break.

March 18, 2015March 18, 201532 Comments

Just popping in to share that I am going to take a short break from the blogging world but will be back in April assuming I am feeling better. I’m struggling more than I thought I would and need to take some time for self-care, to clear my head and to work on taking deep breaths.

My hCg results came back negative today, which is a huge thing to celebrate. I have begun the process of physically miscarrying as well which is a bittersweet blessing.

Please keep me in your prayers as I navigate the emotions, anxiety and restlessness that has hit me, as well as praying for wisdom on what’s next. I will be taking a month off from cycling (at least) and will start a Factor V safe birth control pill in the next few days, so let’s hope that goes well. To be honest, I am feeling a little lost and trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel. Is there one?

Psalm 126:5 “Those who sow tears will reap with songs of joy.”

Much love,

Chelsea

guest post: for better or for worse.

March 16, 20159 Comments

We are overwhelmed and grateful for the support and prayers that you have all offered us over the last few days.We have read every word, each comment, every email and felt significantly blessed to walk through such a hardship with the love of those around us. Thank you. Thank you for embodying Romans 12:15: “Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.” We are continuing to strive forward while tending to our hearts and accepting the peace and mercy that He is offering to us in these moments.

In other news, I am excited today to share with you a guest post that I wrote for Ever Upward entitled For Better or For Worse. When Justine first asked to write a guest post, YES was my immediate answer! Justine’s blog has been a blessing to me as she writes about her stories and struggles, weaving together hope and recovery and ultimately, how to fight to define yourself after dealing with loss, trauma and tragedy. I am even MORE excited to share that her new book, Ever Upward: Overcoming the Life Long Losses of Infertility to Define Your Own Happy Ending hits the bookstore shelves on April 7th and invite you all to pre-order a copy or check it out once it’s out!

The guest post (which you can read HERE) is timely, as it talks about how thankful I am for the gift of marriage, especially in light of the tragedies and hardships that Josh and I have faced. These last few days have reminded me even more of the blessing that he is to me.

So, without further ado, I ask you to head on over to Justine’s blog at Ever Upward and check out my post there!

{Click here to be transferred to her site}

Would you mind continuing to keep us in your prayers? Although I have stopped all my medications, I still have not started the miscarrying process and can tell that my body is really confused. I have been dealing with some severe cramping but nothing else. My past two miscarriages both resulted in a beta nightmare, ultimately needing a D&C with one of them, and I just pray that my body can handle this in the simplest manner possible. I will go back on Wednesday for some more blood work, so if you could be pro-actively praying for “good” results, that would be great. Thank you friends.

news.

March 13, 2015March 13, 201552 Comments

This is not the post I was hoping to write, but unfortunately the one that I have to. Despite exhausting all of the hope, prayers, and pleading, we have suffered another miscarriage. We found out on Wednesday that we were pregnant again. Two little lines change everything. Due dates calculated, plans made, Lovenox injections happening every 12 hours, nerves running at an all time high. But our first beta was lower than we hoped, still indicating a pregnancy, just unsure if it would remain viable. The last 48 hours have been spent in that scary place of unknown, dabbling in hope and preparing for the worst. The doctor confirmed today a dropping beta and a pregnancy no more.

It feels surreal to be writing this. Again. I have been here before. This spot is blurry in the background of my mind, but today, the call, the news, it’s bringing that blurriness back to the forefront. I am already dreading the first signs of bleeding now that I will be stopping all of my medication. The awful cramps that require so much heat. The bloating. The random daggers of reality and pain. The sad look in people’s eyes. It’s all more than I think this little heart of mine can take right now. Part of me wants to tell no one, to spare everyone around us from the pain we are feeling, to avoid the sadness. And then I remember that there is going to be no way that we can get through this again, for the third time, without the love, prayers and support of those we love most.

The morning of our IUI, I wrote this: “This cycle has reminded me of what Daniel 3 is all about – declaring that our God is “able to deliver us from this burning fierce furnace, but if not be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods …” I believe with my whole heart that God is able to deliver us from the clutches of infertility today through His creation of life with our IUI. I believe that He is more than capable and able! But I am CHOOSING to declare that my plans are His plans, regardless of what that means. Regardless of what happens, He is still so good!”

It’s so hard to do, to chose to believe that God is in this, even though the outcome is devastating and frustrating and everything I feared. We both feel comforted by His peace and presence, in ways that remind us that He is with us, but still, today I feel so so weary. We were prepared for this and yet, how can you be? That small ounce of hope always sneaks in and makes you think that maybe things will be different this time. I kept praying that if this cycle wasn’t meant to bring home our child, that God would end it quickly and I feel His hand of mercy over us in that we didn’t have to wait long.

So please, say a prayer for us, for our hearts and the healing that is to come. For our minds to be protected from devilish ramblings and for my body to physically pass everything without complications. We will be okay, we will recover from this, of this I am sure. As I was driving home from the clinic this morning, I heard this song by The Royal Royal with these lyrics: “even the young will grow tired, even the strong will grow weak. You are the One who is able, able to deliver me. I will call upon the name that can rescue me.”

Lord, we are calling upon your name. Hear our cries, meet us here. Rescue me.

To those around us, pray for us, but please don’t bring it up much. It’s so hard to constantly be reminded of this when I am longing to move on.Text funny memes and tell me funny stories. We can’t stay in the sadness, it’s too overwhelming.

it’s okay to feel.

March 12, 2015March 12, 20155 Comments

Infertility comes with such a complex mixture of emotions. If you are anything like me, it’s almost shocking to know that such a wide range of feelings can be compacted down into one heart, one mouth, one brain. My emotions sometimes remind me of a compound butter. It seems so neat when cold and molded into a little ball but then once it hits anything hot, it melts, explodes, leaks all over. Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like your emotions are just leaking all over, so many feelings adding layers of complexity? No one else feels like THIS, do they? Why am I not handling this better? Why am I melting all over the place?

I am here to tell you today that everything you are feeling is normal. Every emotion, as complex as it is, seems to be part of the complex recipe that is infertility. Let me reassure you today that if you have felt any of these emotions, you are in good company:

(Click Here to Continue Reading)

(Would you mind clicking so I can reach my goal number of view for my writing gig at Fertility Authority? THANKS FRIENDS!)

Oh, and a few quick notes:

There will be no Friday Favorites this week … stay tuned for a double dose next week!
All emails for the TTC Lucky Socks exchange are out! If you have not heard from me and have gotten a confirmation email from me when you signed up, email me at ttcexchange@gmail (dot) com.
Keep us in your prayers!

XO!

friday favorites – march 6.

March 6, 201525 Comments

Happy Friday! First of all, I am so excited about all the participants sending over their information for the Lucky Sock Exchange! There have already been a few hundred women who have signed up and if you haven’t sent over your email yet, don’t delay! The deadline to get in is March 11^th.

Oh my word. I am wiped. This round of 2WW meds have kicked my butt. I have so many things I need to care about and can’t muster up a single ounce of energy to do anything. I’m currently on estrogen pills three times a day. Three times a day I swallow the infertile’s little blue pill and embrace all of the side effects that come with it. Mild nausea, bloating like you wouldn’t believe, boobs that have blown up like Heidi Montag’s. If I am inside my house (or my car), you can be assured that my bra is off. Then I throw in some progesterone, vaginal suppositories, and thanks to insurance being un-supportive of people (me) who can’t have babies, shove a $12 pill into me via a cheap plastic dispenser three times a day. As if that wasn’t enough, I also am getting nightly progesterone in oil (PIO) injections into the back of my hip/butt. I walk like I have pulled a muscle but it’s because I ache from the injection sites. This cycle, more than others, I have experienced extreme dizziness when standing and have learned this is a progesterone side effect. Oh what fun. And the tiredness, don’t even get me started. I feel like I am operating like a zombie. Natural hormones are tough to deal with, but synthetic hormones add a whole other level of struggles. Yozzers.

But you know what? I try to welcome it all. Because one day, SOME DAY, this will all be worth it. I know not everyone has the chance to try to start a family and so, because of that, I grimace and ice up my butt one more night, I swallow one more pill, and I pray to God that this will end sooner than later.

Do I sound like I am complaining? I am sorry, I am trying not to. My brain and body are just so tired, my fingers verbally vomiting what it’s been like to be me the last week/several years. I am writing this down because I want to remember it. I want to remember this. As hard as it is, there is beauty in the process and one day, my child(ren) will know exactly how much their mama wanted them.) Don’t get all excited by my side effects thinking THAT MUST MEAN YOU ARE PREGNANT! Nah, it really is just the side effects of my meds. So, if you are looking for me, I will be laying on my kitchen floor trying to muster up the energy to sit up and do the dishes. (And note, I am not looking for sympathy. I will be completely fine! I just can’t wait to one day feel all of these side effects because there is a baby in my tummy, not simply because I am trying to get a baby in my tummy.)

Thanks for engaging in my online therapy session. Now, without further ado, let’s dive right into Friday Favorites!

Favorite Replacement: I FINALLY got a new iPhone case (to replace a cheap and peeling one I bought a while ago), and love it! It’s nice having a hard case, a first for me as I have always had that flexible kind, plus the colors make me happy. Thanks Sister for helping me pick it out and encouraging me to finally get to the store to get one!

Favorite Pin: I love these kinds of drapey sweaters and am adoring the colors in this one. Can you tell I am ready for spring? Or maybe I am just envious of skin that isn’t translucent like mine. *gulp*

Favorite Family Show Down: We had a blast on Sunday playing cards with my family. We call it “poker” but all that means is we have a deck of cards and a pile of change, playing our own modifications of the game. I learned that I must be storing up all my luck for this IUI cycle but regardless, enjoyed sharing in a Sunday afternoon filled with laughs and shuffling.

Cali loves her auntie!

“whats going on outside guys?”

Favorite Kitchen Product: This indoor grill is just the best. If you live in a state that has 6 months of winter like I do, this is a lifesaver. Who wants to grill outside in the cold when you can turn your stove into a grill? I use my grill pan all the time and it’s worth the investment! (Or add it to your birthday or Christmas list like I did!) I have had mine for about 7 years and it’s still going strong. (There’s a flat side and a griddle side. It’s perfect for everything!)

(image found on Crate and Barrel’s website)

Favorite Bit of Drama: Oh the Women Tell All episode of the Bachelor. My head could barely handle the confrontation, TEARS, drama and awkward tension. Going into the finale, I am Team Whitney (for Chris). I love Becca and what she stands for, I really think she is a quality gal, but for Chris, I think Whitney will be a better long term match. That being said, who knows!!! Can’t wait for 3 hours of the most dramatic finale ever. (PS – Chris Harrison wrote a book? Was anyone else like this when he announced that?)

Favorite Date: We had a blast on Saturday night on a triple date with some of our close friends. Chili’s (hello chips and salsa! Swoon.) + bowling (this post-iui gal sat out on the actual bowling) made for a hilarious, laugh-filled evening. I am so thankful for friendships like this.

Favorite Make-over: Cali got her spring hair cut! She’s feeling so fly.

the morning of)

(after!)

Favorite Funnies:

There you have it! And can I note, since I originally started writing this post, I ran across this verse in Luke 9 (MSG): “Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how.” Bah. Leave it to God to remind me that suffering is okay and that I need to take my eyes off of the suffering itself and turn them to Him. Well there you have it folks, He is constantly speaking to us all in all our situations, we just have to make ourselves available to listen.

Until next time! XO!

pray about it.

March 3, 201520 Comments

I love playing the This or That game with kids, you know, the game where you offer up two choices and ask them which their favorite is. It’s so fun to see them think through the two options – popcorn or strawberries? winter or summer? the slide or a swing? – you get my drift.

So a few weeks ago I sat at Red Robin, across from my 4 year old niece Scarlett, and we played this game.

C: Would you rather have pizza or hamburgers?

S: Egg salad.

C: Which do you like best, pink or blue?

S: Purple.

C: Would you rather ride a horse or a dolphin?

S: A unicorn.

C: Do you like cats better or dogs?

S: How’s Cali? What do you think she’s doing right now?

(It was evident our little game was over.)

C: She’s probably sleeping. Her leg has been hurting her lately so I bet she’s resting it.

S: How about we just pray about that right now? folds hands, bows head Dear God, please make Cali’s leg feel better and for her to be all better. Amen. See? You just gotta pray about it.

C: speechless …. You’re right! Thanks for praying for her! I am so glad that God hears all of our prayers, aren’t you?

S: Oh yes. Hey, can I get some ranch?

Just like that our prayer moment was over. I have to be honest, the whole response went so fast I am not even sure if I managed to get my eyes closed or my hands folded before we were on to the next subject, but the moment has lingered in my heart.

What is it about that simple, childlike faith that makes prayer seem SO natural, a first response, a simple breath of words shot straight up to God’s ears? If you’re anything like me, it can sure be a lot easier to talk about our problems instead of praying about our struggles. I have spent a lot more time telling people about how I am worried about Cali’s arthritic leg than I have talking to my Father about my worries about her leg. Sometimes it just is easier to complain about our struggles then to pray about them.

Or I do ask. Once, maybe twice. In all honesty, sometimes it can be so hard for me to continue to pray the same prayer every day – Lord, please, I am begging you, answer our prayers for a family. Let this cycle work. Provide us with the child that our hearts long for. Next day, repeat. Next month, repeat. Next year, repeat. My prayers seem a lot more weary then they used to be and it’s become easier to write about my struggles, talk about my struggles, process my struggles over coffee (or wine) … but it can often seem redundant to keep repeating my struggles in prayer. But why is that?

Scarlett taught me the simplicity of a simple prayer that day over hamburger buns and ranch. How about we just pray about that right now? When our hearts are aching or we feel the weight of someone in our minds, why don’t we just pray about that right now? The beauty of prayer is that it doesn’t need to be complex! It doesn’t need to follow a specific formula, it just needs to be genuine and brought to His feet. There are times I have no words left to pray. Those are the days I just need to whisper up Lord, help.

I have read Romans 8 multiple times but this week I ran across it in the Message translation and these verses stung my heart in a powerful way – I know they will touch you too:

“These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.” (Romans 8:25-28)

I don’t know about you but I want to read these verses over and over and over again. I am so thankful that the Holy Spirit does our praying for us when we simply can’t anymore. And I am thankful for others who lift up prayers for us on our behalf. But I also need to remember that my tendency to ‘talk about it more than I pray about it’ has to be worked on too. There will be a lot of one line breath prayers reaching heaven’s gate from my mouth. I don’t ever want to be caught talking about something more than I know I am praying about something. I don’t want to waste any more of my life asking for answers without going to HIM for those answers.

Help me friends. Let’s keep one another accountable to putting our hope in Him, not in our circumstances, and doing that by bringing Him our lives in prayer. I know this is an area I certainly need to work on.