This is not the post I was hoping to write, but unfortunately the one that I have to. Despite exhausting all of the hope, prayers, and pleading, we have suffered another miscarriage. We found out on Wednesday that we were pregnant again. Two little lines change everything. Due dates calculated, plans made, Lovenox injections happening every 12 hours, nerves running at an all time high. But our first beta was lower than we hoped, still indicating a pregnancy, just unsure if it would remain viable. The last 48 hours have been spent in that scary place of unknown, dabbling in hope and preparing for the worst. The doctor confirmed today a dropping beta and a pregnancy no more.

It feels surreal to be writing this. Again. I have been here before. This spot is blurry in the background of my mind, but today, the call, the news, it’s bringing that blurriness back to the forefront. I am already dreading the first signs of bleeding now that I will be stopping all of my medication. The awful cramps that require so much heat. The bloating. The random daggers of reality and pain. The sad look in people’s eyes. It’s all more than I think this little heart of mine can take right now. Part of me wants to tell no one, to spare everyone around us from the pain we are feeling, to avoid the sadness. And then I remember that there is going to be no way that we can get through this again, for the third time, without the love, prayers and support of those we love most.

The morning of our IUI, I wrote this: “This cycle has reminded me of what Daniel 3 is all about – declaring that our God is “able to deliver us from this burning fierce furnace, but if not be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods …” I believe with my whole heart that God is able to deliver us from the clutches of infertility today through His creation of life with our IUI. I believe that He is more than capable and able! But I am CHOOSING to declare that my plans are His plans, regardless of what that means. Regardless of what happens, He is still so good!” 

It’s so hard to do, to chose to believe that God is in this, even though the outcome is devastating and frustrating and everything I feared. We both feel comforted by His peace and presence, in ways that remind us that He is with us, but still, today I feel so so weary. We were prepared for this and yet, how can you be? That small ounce of hope always sneaks in and makes you think that maybe things will be different this time. I kept praying that if this cycle wasn’t meant to bring home our child, that God would end it quickly and I feel His hand of mercy over us in that we didn’t have to wait long.

So please, say a prayer for us, for our hearts and the healing that is to come. For our minds to be protected from devilish ramblings and for my body to physically pass everything without complications. We will be okay, we will recover from this, of this I am sure. As I was driving home from the clinic this morning, I heard this song by The Royal Royal with these lyrics: “even the young will grow tired, even the strong will grow weak. You are the One who is able, able to deliver me. I will call upon the name that can rescue me.” 

Lord, we are calling upon your name. Hear our cries, meet us here. Rescue me.

To those around us, pray for us, but please don’t bring it up much. It’s so hard to constantly be reminded of this when I am longing to move on.Text funny memes and tell me funny stories. We can’t stay in the sadness, it’s too overwhelming.