news.

This is not the post I was hoping to write, but unfortunately the one that I have to. Despite exhausting all of the hope, prayers, and pleading, we have suffered another miscarriage. We found out on Wednesday that we were pregnant again. Two little lines change everything. Due dates calculated, plans made, Lovenox injections happening every 12 hours, nerves running at an all time high. But our first beta was lower than we hoped, still indicating a pregnancy, just unsure if it would remain viable. The last 48 hours have been spent in that scary place of unknown, dabbling in hope and preparing for the worst. The doctor confirmed today a dropping beta and a pregnancy no more.

It feels surreal to be writing this. Again. I have been here before. This spot is blurry in the background of my mind, but today, the call, the news, it’s bringing that blurriness back to the forefront. I am already dreading the first signs of bleeding now that I will be stopping all of my medication. The awful cramps that require so much heat. The bloating. The random daggers of reality and pain. The sad look in people’s eyes. It’s all more than I think this little heart of mine can take right now. Part of me wants to tell no one, to spare everyone around us from the pain we are feeling, to avoid the sadness. And then I remember that there is going to be no way that we can get through this again, for the third time, without the love, prayers and support of those we love most.

The morning of our IUI, I wrote this: “This cycle has reminded me of what Daniel 3 is all about – declaring that our God is “able to deliver us from this burning fierce furnace, but if not be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods …” I believe with my whole heart that God is able to deliver us from the clutches of infertility today through His creation of life with our IUI. I believe that He is more than capable and able! But I am CHOOSING to declare that my plans are His plans, regardless of what that means. Regardless of what happens, He is still so good!” 

It’s so hard to do, to chose to believe that God is in this, even though the outcome is devastating and frustrating and everything I feared. We both feel comforted by His peace and presence, in ways that remind us that He is with us, but still, today I feel so so weary. We were prepared for this and yet, how can you be? That small ounce of hope always sneaks in and makes you think that maybe things will be different this time. I kept praying that if this cycle wasn’t meant to bring home our child, that God would end it quickly and I feel His hand of mercy over us in that we didn’t have to wait long.

So please, say a prayer for us, for our hearts and the healing that is to come. For our minds to be protected from devilish ramblings and for my body to physically pass everything without complications. We will be okay, we will recover from this, of this I am sure. As I was driving home from the clinic this morning, I heard this song by The Royal Royal with these lyrics: “even the young will grow tired, even the strong will grow weak. You are the One who is able, able to deliver me. I will call upon the name that can rescue me.” 

Lord, we are calling upon your name. Hear our cries, meet us here. Rescue me.

To those around us, pray for us, but please don’t bring it up much. It’s so hard to constantly be reminded of this when I am longing to move on.Text funny memes and tell me funny stories. We can’t stay in the sadness, it’s too overwhelming.

52 thoughts on “news.

  1. Ryanne says:

    I’m so sorry Chelsea! This is such a hard thing. I’ve been through it twice as well, and I wish so badly that you didn’t have to go through this. Love and hugs.

  2. Kate says:

    Oh Chelsea You are incredible, lovely, wonderful, and amazing. I am so very sorry to hear this news. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Thank you for encouraging us, lifting us up and believing in all of us, even when we can’t muster the energy to do it ourselves. Hugs, love and prayers to you today, tomorrow, and all the days after.

    I’ll leave you with one horrible joke:

    What do you call cheese that isn’t your own?

    Nacho cheese

    Katie

  3. Charity says:

    You have been so heavy on my heart this week and I know I can say nothing other than the fact that I’m so sorry for your loss. Even though I’ve never met you I weep with you and hurt with you as I share in your suffering. I will be praying for no complications and for God to continue to provide peace with each passing day.

  4. Katie says:

    You are in my prayer. Having a miscarriage is such a hard thing to endure, especially when you pray so hard and have so much love to give. God has a plan. Hold strong in that.

  5. Caroline says:

    Oh friend. Hugs and tears with you. Trusting that He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit. Let him catch every tear. You have such an amazing attitude and faith despite your circumstances. I’m so sorry that you have to through all of this. Life is just SO hard.

  6. Kaity says:

    This was not the post you wanted to write at all. I am so very sorry Chelsea. I will be praying for you and Josh in the days and weeks ahead.

  7. CaseyMay says:

    I am so sorry Chelsea. I am crying with you as I read this post and pray for you and your husband. Yesterday, I quoted that same passage from Daniel, as I reflected on our own journey of infertility, believing God for a miracle, and choosing to stay faithful to Him regardless of what the future holds. It is painful sacrifice. It is a offering that comes at a high price. God will not waste your pain sweet friend. I am believing God for you, and with you. Praying for a peace and comfort that only God can bring.

  8. Elisha says:

    Oh sugars! I am just at a loss for words. Please know that I am praying for you and that I find you so inspirational. The way you handle yourself an demonstrate your faith is so amazing. I am always reminded of Zechariah 9:12 which says, “Return to your fortress, you prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you.” Praying for you sugars! xoxoxo

    waitingforbabybird.com

  9. Astleigh H says:

    Oh lady, do I ever feel your pain. I’m praying with you and for you. For peace beyond understanding and unwavering comfort. I hope your weekend is filled with sunshine and know that if you need a listening ear, I’m happy to talk. xoxo

  10. Pat says:

    I’m so sorry Chelsea. I’ll probably get to heaven before you so you can bet I’ll hold these babies. I’ll tell them how much their Mother loved them and wanted them. I’ll take care of them until you and Josh get there. Love you honey.

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  11. overcomingpcos2015 says:

    Chelsea i am so sorry for your loss. Please know this is not what God wants for you. I dont understand why people have to go through such hardships but know God is with you, dont lose faith. I will be praying for you and your husband.
    Much love my dear <3 <3 <3

  12. sj066 says:

    My heart hurts for you right now. I know all too well how those two pink lines change every thing in a moment… and how quickly they can be taken away and the heartache that follows. I am praying God wraps his arms around you both during this trying time and you find peace and understanding.

  13. ashleysanderson08 says:

    I am so sorry. As a momma who has also gone through loss and infertility, my heart hurts for you. Praying that God surrounds you with peace that surpasses all understanding. It is a hard road to walk that I know I couldn’t have done without my Savior. Also praying that your body handles the loss on it’s own with no need for a D&C. God is the ultimate healer and I know He will be by your side through all of this.

    Ashley
    The Mrs. & Co.

  14. chon says:

    I haven’t commented yet because I was too fucking sad for you. This is all total bullshit and I don’t understand why it has to be this way. Sending you much love support and hugs and hope you are doing whatever you can to feel better.

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