Every time we cycle I think “God, you have the platform to show everyone Your power!”. I wait expectantly for Him to show up, for Him to show that prayer does pay off, that He does hear us, that my faith isn’t resting in someone incapable. I often get discouraged afterwards, thinking “God!! You aren’t looking too good here! This was Your moment!” It isn’t a pride thing, I just genuinely want each and every person reading this to see the power of God at play, as well as the tender heart that He has.

That being said, with each failed cycle and with every miscarriage I wonder how it’s going to impact the people surrounding us. Is this going to cause someone to lose faith? Is this going to cause someone to doubt Him? I struggle with this battle of feeling pain from our own sadness but then also feeling like God is letting you down, those investing and trusting with us. I continue to pray that despite the failures and the pain that we are feeling, that you would still be comforted in whatever you are going through, that you stay hopeful that God can intercede in whatever your struggle is.

A week after we found out our March pregnancy wasn’t viable, I was doing some hardcore searching for how He was going to use this to impact others positively. That’s when I ran across a quote in a book that said “Looking back, my disappointment may have been the best gift I could have given (you). (You) need a God who is not just equated with blessings. (You) need a God who can walk with you in your pain.”

Reading that was like a healthy slap in the face. It was God’s way of saying Chelsea, the people around you don’t just need to see a God that always gives blessings, even though I can and do. These people around you right now need to see that I am also a God that walks with His children when they are hurting.

Friends, I ache for the day our prayers are answered and we can stand here and celebrate His incredible goodness, blessings and answered prayers. But I also am gripped to convey to you that until that day comes, and even if it never does, that our God is so much bigger than our unanswered prayer request. God is so faithful to meet us in our pain, our sorrow and our tears. I know how your heart is strangled with anxiety, with wondering if your time with ever come, if this painful season you are dealing with will ever go away. I understand that the thoughts that keep you up at night, whether they are about illness, finances, relationship struggles or job concerns, make you wonder why God is not stepping in. Why doesn’t He just make this all better? We are praying, aren’t we? We are doing everything we can to move in a positive direction and yet nothing is happening.

This doesn’t mean He isn’t in it. As hard as that is to believe, as hard as it is to understand, it doesn’t mean that He has abandoned you, me, us. Even when God isn’t doing exactly what we want Him to do, He is still God! It seems unfair, He seems silent, it feels hopeless. As I was driving away from the doctor’s office yesterday, I felt like an old truck with rusty, flat, crooked tires.

Kacha, kacha, thud, kacha. Rust falling off, age showing, no air to be found, thudding over and over and over again.

But it was then I realized that in order to see God sometimes, instead of just looking in the same place, we have to zoom out. We may feel worn, but then we have to pull back, widen our gaze, look for Him in the unexpected places, which is exactly where He was hidden to remind me that He is in this, if not simply for you. Maybe today He wants to remind YOU that He is in the hard moments and that while He can be a God of miracles, He also meets you in your pain, questions and sorrows.

In Finding Faith in the Dark, author Laurie Short writes “God not only shouts to us in our pain; He often shouts to others through it. In some mysterious way, pain moves through our lives to touch others.” 

This last week I have changed my prayer from that of “Let them see Your miraculous hand!” to one that prays “Let them find You in their pain.” I don’t want to be so focused on where I want God to be and how I want Him to act that I miss where He actually is. Today, this month, this week, He is waiting for me with arms of comfort, with a lap of peace and crawling next to me and reminding me to breathe.

He is faithful, even when He seems so unfaithful. I pray that our story, even in its hardships, refills your heart with the recognition that He is good, present, faithful and comforts us when we turn to Him. We can truly keep going, knowing that He has our backs.


19 thoughts on “impact.

    • chels819 says:

      I am glad it was encouraging for you Kelly. I know that the faith journey is just that – a journey – and I pray that you keep venturing forward. Big hugs!

  1. Caroline says:

    Chelsea! YES! I will never forget my SIL calling me after one of Kai’s MRI’s with more bad news… that within just a week of the tumor removal, it was back. I remember her saying the EXACT same thing, “If God heals Kai, what a testimony and miracle it will be”.

    I love how the Lord spoke to you with that quote, because He works just as much in the pain as He does in the miracle! What a powerful truth! Most people run AWAY from the Lord to pain, but what a voice and a testimony you are to how much better trials are when we run TO Him! Even though you haven’t gotten the answered prayer you have wanted (and of course we all want for you yet), your testimony is still impacting so many. How you have handled your grief and trial has encouraged so many and no doubt strengthened others in their walk with the Lord.

    • chels819 says:

      I just loved reading this comment so much Caroline. I have learned so much from your family and how they have dealt with the passing of precious Kai. It’s just like you said, God works in the pain too! Thank you for your encouragement as well – I am thankful He has given me friendships like yours to strengthen my walk as well! XO

  2. Jojo says:

    Such a great post! This actually reminds me of an email I received today.
    “No unbelief or distrust made him waver (doubtingly question) concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong and was empowered by faith as he gave praise and glory to God.”
    (Romans 4:20, AMP)

  3. Liz says:

    Chelsea, your steadfastness in pursuing God daily, regardless of circumstances, is an unbelievable testimony of faith. It is so clear to me (and I’d imagine so many others) that God is BIG and REAL and that He is there in the midst of heartbreak. That truth is more important than seeing a god that behaves like a gumball machine- quarter in, gumball out (thought that might be slightly easier ;). I need to know that God can handle my pain, my fear, my doubt. You and Josh’s story is teaching me so much about Him and that He is still God and that he is still GOOD, no matter what. Thank you for being so transparent and for sharing each step of your journey. XO

  4. melissavenable says:

    This is so true and beautiful!! I love it!!! Such a good reminder that even though He hasn’t answered us with a miracle baby, He has shown himself faithful in how He is there for us, comforting us in our troubles. He has definitely done that for me! He IS good and faithful! Love this post!

  5. Elisha says:

    I love this most so much because like you, I have often thought about my waiting and continued failed cycles are impacting others. You know…the one’s sitting back and kinda on the fence with their faith and belief. But I know that my steadfast trust and reliance on the Lord is a testimony in and of itself as is yours. You are such an inspiration to many! I am so proud and blessed to call you my “Friend.” xo

  6. Sharon Peterson says:

    I love your heart, Chelsea! I’m sure God does also and loves you so much! I continue to pray for your miracle. May you and Josh feel God’s love and pleasure as you walk with Him during this difficult time.

  7. Tales of a Twin Mombie says:

    Your blog is always so encouraging and inspiring because of your faith through it all. It’s unwavering and I think that’s what impacts ME the most. It’s easy to walk with The Lord but it’s those difficult times that really shows where a persons faith is at. Girl, you’re shining like gold. I will be praying with you guys. Xo

  8. kristipaulino says:

    Thank you for these true, and beautiful words…He is WITH US in our pain…such a capable, powerful God – and He stoops low to comfort us…this has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life – various reasons – one of which was ‘giving up’ the dream of baby #3, having had infertility issues that led to ‘successful’ pregnancies for the two beautiful boys I do have – and having tried for babe #3 for quite some time, we have decided to stop the meds…a painful decision, one we haven’t quite ‘come to grips with’…but we feel His presence, and His Word seems more real than ever…your words were a comfort and reminder as well…thank you. this heartbreaking struggle of infertility is unbearable at times…but to know His goodness, to feel His presence and comfort…is worth more than words…thank you for sharing your story – I have followed you for the last few months, and have appreciated your words so much. Thank you for sharing.

  9. Tedi @ Running with Infertility says:

    I always have to remind myself that we need to rely on Christ when we feel we can’t go on. It’s amazing how much a single prayer of ‘I can’t do this by myself, please give me strength’ works. Cause I feel I use it almost daily at times.

    I think God also works by example. You are showing your faith by example and people will see God. You have reminded us all how much God loves each of us and that he never leaves us.

    My sister sent me this blog post the other day and when I was reading this post I felt I should share it with you.

    • chels819 says:

      THANK YOU for sharing this awesome post! What a blessing! And dang, your words are so super encouraging to my heart. I am so touched and encouraged! YOU have been an example to me today so thank you!

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