day of hope.

August 19, 201415 Comments

Today is a special day. Yes, it is my birthday and I am so blessed and grateful for all of the love you have sent my way via posts, texts, emails ,cards, etc. I am feeling loved and celebrated and am so appreciative of your kindness. But the second reason today is special is that it is the Day of Hope. This day, originally started by Carly Marie Project Heal, is about coming together as a whole community to openly speak about the children who left the world too early – perhaps due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early death, and celebrating their short lives. I want to take just a short minute to remember our special and loved 7 embryos we transferred through IVF and the 18 embryos that never made it long enough to be transferred. We honor and celebrate the short lives of these sweet babies of our and know that a reunion in heaven waits for us one day.

December 2012

May 2013

July 2013

Because its hatching, it almost looks like a little snowman head on top! We loved Gods sense of humor.

October 2013

A Day of Hope – as a Christian, these words weigh even more heavy on my heart as each and every day is a day where we have hope. Hope: to cherish a desire with anticipation and to expect with confidence. You may remember my post from November 2013 where I talked about the hope we have in God – the CONFIDENCE we have in Him because of Him. It seems only fitting today to repost the verses I shared then as a reminder of the true hope we have.

“So be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord!” Psalm 31:24

“We put our hope in the Lord. He is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone.” Psalm 33:20-22

“And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.” Psalm 39:7

“You are my refuge and my shield; your word is my source of hope. Lord, sustain me as you promised, that I may live! Do not let my hope be crushed.” Psalm 119:114, 116

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29: 11-13

“For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?” Romans 8:24

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1

Lord, thank you, for always proving faithful in providing our hearts the hope we need to keep moving forward. I am ever so grateful.

Alright, well, just so you know Friday Favorites is taking a vacation this week, so check back next week for a new post. If you are celebrating the Day of Hope today as someone on the “inside”, my thoughts and prayers are with you as you remember your lost little one(s). They knew nothing but love and will always be remembered. Hugs!

lessons from robin williams’ death.

August 13, 201413 Comments

I, like many of you, was shocked and saddened to hear about the news of Robin Willliams’ death on Monday. Sudden deaths to me always feel surreal and being an empathetic, emotional person, losses are always accompanied with tears whether I “know” the person or not. I cry for the family, for the person, for those touched near and far. Death is never easy to deal with and in this case, it’s brought a few lessons to light for me this week.

1. Live a life that impacts those around you. As tweets, posts, statements and pictures flooded in, it was obvious that the world felt Robin’s loss heavily. In instances like this, I can’t help but wonder what kind of impact it would make on the world if I passed away. No, I don’t expect or want a worldwide hashtag trending, but I do hope to live a life where my absence would affect others in a meaningful way.

We had a close family friend pass away suddenly in April and as I attended his wake and read the steady flow of Facebook comments flood his page, it was obvious that people knew what kind of person he was, what he stood for, and who he believed in. His laughter was infectious, his smile was warm and his hugs were among the best. I remember telling one of his kids how blessed they were to have a father who left such a legacy. We have the chance every day to affect those around us in a positive way. We can choose to show grace and mercy to those who maybe don’t “deserve” it in our opinion. We can genuinely smile at someone who looks to be having a rough day. We can go out of our way to show kindness to those around us – encouraging them, bringing them meals in tough times, and offering hugs when there are no words. And most importantly, we can make it obvious who our Father is and allow Him to seep out of our pores, making it impossible for those around us to question His existence and presence in our lives.

2. Live life as if today is your last day, your last week, your last month, your last year. I hope and pray that you have a long, rich life full of laughter and memories and blessings. I hope and pray that if your life ends sooner than it should, that it is never at your own hand. I hope and pray that NONE of life’s circumstances alter the joy that you carry with you every day. But we know that a long happy and healthy life isn’t always realistic in a broken world and we are surrounded by sudden deaths daily.

At times I wish that I could just have a straightforward answer at what the rest of my life would look like. “You will have 1 child at age 34.” Or “You will never have children.” I feel like there could be so much freedom in simply being able to stop living life wondering what was ahead. But then I realize that NONE of my circumstances should affect my joy. So what if you found out today that you weren’t going to get a different job? You weren’t going to be able to sell your house for 2 more years and the budget would be tight for a little while longer? Wouldn’t there be joy and freedom in simply knowing that you don’t have to worry about it? Well guess what – we DON’T have to worry about it. We do what we can and then we let God handle the rest. His timing, not ours. He carries our burdens, but only when we have the ability to unclench our fists and allow Him to grab them from us. I’ve been guilty of crying out “God, take this burden from me, but let me hold on onto it so I maintain the control please.” So counterproductive.

So let’s embrace the mantra ‘Carpe diem’, seize the day. George Harrison says it best, ““It’s being here now that’s important. There’s no past and there’s no future. Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we can’t relive it; and we can hope for the future, but we don’t know if there is one.”

3. Mental Illness is real and like any other illness, it has to be dealt with. Anytime there is a suicide, it reminds me of how cruel mental illness is. While cancer might infect your bones or liver, mental illness infects your brain and the way you think and handle life. The good news is that with the help of modern day medicine, psychiatrists, and therapists, help is available and the use of medication can assist with the balance of the chemicals in your brain. Mental illness IS possible to treat. The sad thing is that there is such a stigma around it which prevents many people from ever getting help. But know that you are not alone in your struggle. If you are ever battling depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts, please tell someone, even if the thought of that seems exhausting. While spirituality is a component in healing, it is not the only component. God is our Healer and He has given us amazing medical resources to help with healing, including medications. Please don’t ever feel like you are a bad Christian because of your struggle or ignore your battle hoping to pray it away. Mental illness is not your identity, just like infertility isn’t my identity. It may be something we struggle with but it does not define who we are. Seek help because life doesn’t have to end by your hands. You are too loved to let that happen.

4. Be kind and loving, you never know the battle someone else is facing. Hardships are real and we are in no place to judge or make assumptions about why someone is the way they are. I have never heard someone say at a funeral “Well, I was too kind to him.”, instead, people wish they had been kinder and softer with people. Take the time to lift others up, not tear them down. Life is too short and we never know what the other person’s day is like. Instead of trying to teach someone a lesson about driving too slow or serving your table at a snail’s pace, think that maybe, just maybe, the lesson you are meant to “teach” them is one of undeserved grace. I have a hard time believing that a dirty look, a minimal tip or hands being thrown up in the air is going to make any sort of positive impact on their life.

So Robin, know that your life has affected others around you. I am taking the time to reconsider how I am living my life as a result of your death. Your talent was beautiful to observe. Jumanji scared the heck out of me, Blubber made me laugh, Dead Poet’s Society made me think, Good Will Hunting challenged me, Mrs. Doubtfire made me giggle (and was the first movie my sister and I watched in my parent’s bed, which always made it extra special), Aladdin made me contemplate my life’s wishes and the list could continue. While I will never be in a movie, I hope to use my gifts to impact others positively as you did with yours. I’m so sorry you didn’t find the peace in this life that you were searching for.

Friends, let’s not let another death go by without using it to better our lives. Life is short and a gift, let’s embrace it for all it’s worth.

friday favorites – august 8th.

August 8, 2014August 8, 201411 Comments

Whooo hoooo! Another Friday! My dad sent this to me this morning and I feel like it’s fitting:

Here we go!

Favorite Moment: After all our family had left after such a fun trip, Josh and I got to enjoy a date night and boy, did we have a blast! We first headed down to St. Paul where our friend Jason’s food truck (Jake’s Street Grill – check them out if you are in the Twin Cities area!) was stationed at an outdoor festival. We saved our weekly “cheat meal” for this occasion and Josh enjoyed some wings and I had lobster and shrimp tacos. OMG – SO GOOD! Anytime you put fresh seafood on a corn tortilla and add fresh pico, guac and cheese, well, you can bet I am swooning. From there we took a pit stop at Cabella’s, which is a favorite store of my hubby’s, a breeze through Starbucks for a cup of tea, and then we drove to the drive-in theater where we parked, played cards for an hour, then leaned back into the thousands of pillows and blankets we brought. We watched Planes 2 and Guardians of the Galaxy – both great! The weather was perfect and the company was my favorite. :)

Favorite Drink: I love Yogi teas and have found 3 that I have particularly been crushing on the last few weeks. I love the Green Team Blueberry Slim Tea iced, the Berry Detox hot and the Bedtime tea at night. Holy cow, the Bedtime tea knocks me out like a drug! There is something magical that is laced in there that puts my mind into an instant sleep-mode. Give them a try! (Plus the tags always have such a great little sayings on there too.)

Favorite Act of Obedience: You know those times when you are prompted to do something and you ignore it? And then the times that you are prompted to do something and you follow through? Well, I had one of those this week and am so glad that I listened to His gentle whisper.

It happened yesterday at the end of a long work day. My bladder was pleading for me to drive faster and my brain was reminding me of the meal I signed up to bring to a church friend and the groceries I had yet to buy for it. Stop now, make your bladder your motivator to get through Aldi fast. I swung through the store, racing around and pulled up to the front to check-out, noticing 2 cashiers working, one with a long line behind her and the other empty, just finishing checking someone out. I dashed to the near empty line and that’s when I noticed him. (He looked like a Bill, so that’s what I will call him.) He was about 40, standing far away from the register, almost in the first aisle, but facing the register.

Me (C): Are you in line?

B: Well, yes kinda of, you see …

And that’s when I noticed all that was going on. He had several copper rings wrapped around his neck, large ones, almost touching his belly button. His head was covered in a fishing hat that looked like it was lined with aluminum foil. On his right shoulder he held more large metal rings, those ones silver and he was resting on a cane while leaning into his cart. Around his neck he wore a huge cardboard sign that said “SEVERE EPILEPSY – PLEASE, NO CELL PHONE NEAR ME.”

He continued.

B: You can go ahead, you see I have to wait for her to come to me …

C: Oh gosh, you’re fine, no worries, I will just go in this other line.

My brain was still trying to process everything and I turned to wait in the long line while I observed several other people coming up to him to see if they could scoot in front. Thankfully everyone decided to either pass him and come to my line or wait behind him. People were starting to stare and I started feeling this deep nudge in my gut of empathy for this man. I watched as the cashier walked over to him and he handed her his credit card for the purchase. She was relatively pleasant and he explained that he couldn’t go near the register so would wait by the boxes for her. He then slowly held out his hand and I observed as he struggled for nearly a minute to open up his fist and drop some change into her hands for a few bags. By then it was my turn in line and I was pulled away from watching his struggle. As I breezed through, swiped my card, packed up my bags and turned, I noticed him standing by the door waiting and watching as the cashier rang everything up. My heart and my head just kept screaming to do something, say something, acknowledge him. (My bladder was screaming RUN FOR THE CAR!) I moved quickly to walk towards him as he turned to walk towards the door. There was an old lady, probably in her mid 80’s between us. He set the pace for the exit line, which seemed like it was in slow motion. You could tell every step was painful. He moved so slow that the old lady behind him gave an exasperated sigh and muttered “oh man, come on” more than once. His metal rings were banging and each move he made seemed to be in difficult. I waited patiently behind him as the old lady blew past him. I looked to my right where my car stood and to my left, where he was slowly turning and I knew I had to act.

C: Can I help you load those up in your car?

B: Really? You would?

C: Absolutely, let me bring these bags to my car and drop my cell phone off and I will be right back.

By the time I did that, he managed to move a few feet and I slowly walked with him back to his vehicle, where we unhinged the back of his blue beaten down truck. My mind was racing, what do I say? Just talk to him, the voice whispered back loudly.

C: How’s was your day today?

B: chuckled Hard.

C: I have to say, I really admire your drive to come out here today and get these groceries. It looked really hard. The line, the looks, I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. You have severe epilepsy?

B: I actually have muscular dystrophy and the epilepsy is a side effect from that. It’s really hard. He managed a small smile.

C: How hard, you still seem to manage to have a good attitude despite it.

B: No, you should see me when I get home. It’s really really hard to keep living. The cell phones are so hard, when people have them near me, it can set me into a severe seizure. I ask people to put them away in stores and they say no. I had a seizure in a store the other day and a man just stepped over me while on his phone. No one sees me. Less and less stores are willing to help me. The cell phone towers made it hard. I don’t have a good attitude, I just try to make it through each day.

By then I had everything loaded into the back of his truck.

C: Let me return your cart, I will be right back with your quarter.

As I pushed the cart back, my heart ached for him. I turned back, returning with his quarter as he slowly loaded his metal rings into his car.

B: Why did you stop? His voice started to shake. No one ever stops. No one ever notices me. I am just a big inconvenience to people.

My emotions were starting to take over and my words weren’t articulate anymore.

C: I stopped because I noticed you and I saw how hard this must be for you. I admire your persistence to come out here and buy your groceries and face the difficulty that it must be.

We soon after wrapped up our conversation and I headed back to my car and drove home. The whole way I drove home I was so mad at myself for not asking his name, for not telling him that I would pray for him, for not even thinking to tell him that I stopped because God put it on my heart to do so. I wish I would have grabbed his hands and prayed out loud for him. I was so mad at myself for not letting him know who I represented. But even in those moments of self-frustration, I heard But you saw him. And that’s what he needed today. Let Me handle the rest.

Friends, I am so glad I saw Bill. I am so glad that I followed through on those promptings and was richly and deeply blessed by my encounter with him. If you could, stop right now and say a prayer for him. God knows his first name, He knows his pains, his struggles, his worries, his hardships. Pray that God will renew his spirit, that others would see Bill too and that he wouldn’t feel so alone. When we obey, God acts. We may never know how, but we can leave that part up to Him. (And just so you know, I actually didn’t even think twice about my bladder from the time I said something to Bill until the time I walked in the door.)

Favorite Quote: “Intentionally look around for measures of joy each day … Remember joy is a choice we make, not a feeling we hope to get from our circumstances. It’s good to look for the good to celebrate it, even in small ways.” –Lisa Terkeurst-

Favorite Meal: I got to enjoy a patio night with some girlfriends earlier this week and loved it. My salad was amazing, but even more so, I am so thankful for friends who can laugh together and do life with.

Favorite Funnies: Alright, this has gotten long so I will wrap this up with some giggles for the day. Enjoy and have a wonderful weekend!

But wait, there’s more!!! Here’s an added bonus Favorite –

Favorite TV Clip: Bobbie Thomas opened up about her journey with IVF on the Today Show this week and I found it incredibly touching. One of the best videos I have seen about what’s it’s like. If you want to peer into our world for a few minutes today, I encourage you to check out this link. — click here for the video. (The image below is just an image and will not direct you to the video. You will likely get a 15-second commercial prior to the video starting.) I promise, it’s worth it.

randomness.

August 5, 201432 Comments

Welcome to the most random blog post. Today you will get an invitation into the questions and ramblings of my brain. Please don’t be scared.

– Why does Bruce Jenner have this awkward mullet-thing happening? Can someone let him know it just doesn’t look good?

– Why did I waste time watching Bachelor in Paradise and why was it so amusing? It was like a drama filled train wreck that I couldn’t turn off. (In my defense, I worked on laundry while watching it so it was just “background noise”.) Robert getting attacked by fire ants made me laugh. Now that’s romantic.

I so wish this was a GIF.

– Why is it so easy to feel “stuck” sometimes? I had a few friends reach out to me yesterday in their own special ways and it was such a blessing. In a journey this long and slow, it’s easy to feel left behind at times. I get to stand back and wave as everyone struggles, finally succeeds, has a baby, starts working on #2, struggles, succeeds … lather, rinse, repeat. There are times I feel like everyone has forgotten that this is still really hard for me. After 5 and a half years, it almost feels like people are either completing forgetting about our struggles or just saying Oh poor Chelsea, still trying …. Doesn’t she know by now it’s probably not going to happen? Because it has been so long, do people just assume that it gets easier? More often than not lately, I have felt trapped by conversations about kids and mothering. Hi! Still here! No kids! Can we wind this convo down? It’s been a half hour since I could contribute something. Now, that sounds worse than I intend it to. I simply mean that as time goes by, it can at times feel like the sensitivity factor lessens. The time spent waiting doesn’t getting easier, it feels like a daily battle against time and dreams. Am I alone in ever feeling like this?

All of that said, I am still incredibly grateful to be stuck where I am. If nothing in my life every changed in regards to my fertility, I would still have the bomb.com kind of life. I don’t take those blessings for granted and strive to just keep praying for continued peace and reassurance that our hopes and prayers are not in vain.

– What to say when …. ? Being back at work has been busy, but fun. It’s great to see familiar faces, but every time I see some that I haven’t seen since last April, I get the question “So what have you been up to since you left!?” Well, I have enough common sense not to blurt out, “Well, let’s see. I have done 3 more IVF cycles, had another miscarriage, needed a D&C surgery, went under the knife for a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy surgery, gone gluten free, had to eliminate carbs and sugars from my diet, visit a acupuncturist weekly and oh yea, am still barren. How about you!?” But instead I mutter something about enjoying a slower pace or traveling or spending time with friends and family. Their look expresses that they don’t quite understand, but I figure it’s better than verbally vomiting on them. I promise, I am not lazy! How would you handle this? I think I just have to take one for the team and accept that I don’t need anyone’s validation on my life’s choices. Eh, still humbling.

– Does anyone have any good chicken recipes to share? Yes, something gluten and carb free preferably. I am feeling a little stuck in my meal planning rut and need to shake things up. Comment below please!

Until next time … XOXO!

friday favorites – july 25.

July 25, 20146 Comments

It’s Friday! Whoa, this week flew by. I have to admit, I just sat down and wondered What did I even do this week? Or it’s more like, what didn’t I do? This week felt completely swamped which isn’t necessary a bad thing, just a busy thing! Let’s hope I can sort out my thoughts and that Friday Favorites makes sense today. (And if not, please just politely smile and nod and check back with me next week.)

Favorite Thing I am Looking Forward To: My uncle, aunt and cousins are coming in from Illinois on Monday for a week and we cannot WAIT to see them! It’s been too long and I know the days will be action packed and full of lots of laughs and new memories. Somehow in the last 9+ years, my “little” cousins grew up (seriously, how cute are they?) and are now in high school. Whoa! Of course us adults haven’t aged a bit though. HA!

Favorite Product: I don’t know about you but there are two must-have products on my bathroom counter at all times – a good dry shampoo and a good sea salt spray. Of course there are many great products there, but they cost way too much for how much I use them. I have been trying out over the counter products for a while now and have stumbled upon a brand I love – Not Your Mother’s. On days when I can’t get a good shampoo in, the dry shampoo is a lifesaver and on days when humidity reigns (like it has several days this week), a little sea salt spray works, along with a prayer that you don’t scare any children with your robust mane. You can find it at Walmart, Target, or any local beauty supply shop. Check it out!

Favorite Meet’N’Greet: Awww, I got to meet 5-day old baby Ty last weekend and let’s just say, he is a handsome little fellow! So precious!

Favorite Song: Oh Jason Mraz, you have done it to me again. 3 Things off of his new album Yes! had me in goosebumpy tears earlier this week. I was feeling a bit of stress, overly process-y, and a bit emotional going into a long day and when I heard this song, my spirits lifted and I felt totally rejuvenated. LOVE! Have to share the video shot at his avocado farm as well as the lyrics. If you need a pick me up, listen for sure.

There are three things I do when my life falls apart
Number one I cry my eyes out and dry up my heart
Not until I do this will my new life start
So that’s the first thing that I do when my life falls apart.

Oh, the second thing I do is I close both of my eyes
And say my thank-yous to each and every moment of my life.
I go where I know the love is and let it fill me up inside
Gathering new strength from sorrow,
I’m glad to be alive.

Things are looking up
I know above the clouds the sun is shining
Things are looking up
Love is still the answer I’m relying
On Three little things
Things are looking up

The third thing that I do now when my world caves in,
is I pause, I take a breath, and bow and I let that chapter end.
I design my future bright not by where my life has been.
And I try, try, try, try, try again.
Yes I try, try, try, try, try again.

Things are looking up
I know beyond the dark the sun is rising
Things are looking up
And I know above the clouds the sun is shining
Things are looking
Love is still the answer I’m relying
On Three little things
Three little things

Favorite Reminder:

Favorite Way to Hydrate: It can be hard for me to get in 100 ounces of water a day, but I find if I spice it up a bit and throw in fresh items, it makes it more fun to drink and disappears a lot quicker! A go-to this week for me has been throwing in a few strawberries (fresh or frozen), a couple of sprigs of mojito mint from my garden and a squeeze of lime. DELISH! What are your favorite ways to take your water? Share!

Favorite Funnies: Here we go! (And if you ever have any funnies to share, please send them over! trialsbringjoy@gmail.com I loveeeee getting ones sent!)

friday favorites – july 11.

July 11, 20146 Comments

Happy Friday! These summer weeks are flying by faster than ever. I am trying to keep my big girl panties on and not cry about it, but WAHHHH. SUMMER, STAY!!

Favorite Memory: A few things about me: I love playing games, being outside, listening to good music, having Cali nearby, and being with my favorite people. So imagine my joy when all these things merged last weekend. Josh, Cali, my sister Courtney and I packed up and walked over to a local park, set out our lawn blanket, shuffled the Phase 10 cards, cranked some Josh Garrels tunes and enjoyed an hour or two in the sun. A few afternoon rain sprinkles pushed us back home but it was one of my favorite parts of the week.

Favorite July Food: Cherries. Hands down. I’m addicted. I am thankful the cherry season is short because I have single-handedly gone through about 8 pounds of cherries in the last few weeks. No joke. I can’t control myself. My lips have a permanent stain to them and I have become an expert pit-spitter-outter. Oh cherries, you make me happy.

Favorite Summer TV Show: Big Brother! Is anyone else watching? I always get sucked in every year and even though some of the new twists this season have me a little confused, I still loooooove to watch! Donny, a 42 year old groundskeeper who looks like he belongs on Duck Dynasty, is seriously my favorite. I find myself getting worked up over Devin (seriously, GO HOME!) and giggling at the Frankie/Zack bromance. Hilarious! Thank you CBS for giving me a good dose of summer reality tv.

Favorite Celebration: Josh’s birthday! YAY! I can’t believe my husband is 32 already – not that it’s “old” by any means, but seriously, when did we all grow up?? I could yammer on about how fast time goes and how awesome Josh is (because, well, he is), but instead I just want to fast forward to the party details.

My family hosted an incredible party for Josh. He knew nothing but when to show up and I have to say, my mom’s creativity was at an all time high. (Who remembers the awesome book themed party she threw for me last year?) My hunter-hubby had a night filled with his favorite foods (like, pretty much all of them … the food was AMAZING – gluten free too nonetheless), favorite decorations, and lots and lots of laughs from start to finish. I just have to brag on my mom’s creativity (with my dad and sister’s help as well!) with pictures below. I loved how special and celebrated Josh felt. I LOVE BIRTHDAYS and its safe to say I got the love of them from my mom. :)

As we pulled up, we knew right where to park!

Check out this table setting!. SO perfect.

The details were the best part – the hand crafted napkin rings (white tail deer of course), the name cards, the coasters and bottled water … love.

Lots of sticks, birthday love, mineral rocks and even a little visiting deer.

Deer droppings, HAHA!

I got up briefly and when I came back, someone stole my chair!

…twice!

Our birthday boy!

Crab, alfredo scallops, deep dish pizzas, and bacon wrapped sausage …

Grilled cheese and tomato soup, caesar salad with grilled shrimp, waffle fries and steaks….

corn, peanut m&m’s, cheesecake and homemade chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches. *FULL*

And yes, we were full for a lonnngggg time after that.

Favorite Funnies: And last but not least! Enjoy!

Have a great weekend friends!

google.

July 7, 2014July 7, 201420 Comments

Fear is a nasty thing.

My baby dog Cali has been acting a little abnormal lately. It hasn’t been long, a week or two at best. An accident while she was sleeping, brushed off as she was sleeping too soundly and didn’t wake up in time. An increase in water intake, clearly from it being so hot outside. But then she got these sick, sad eyes and would look at me and I just knew in my mom gut something wasn’t right.

After another accident this weekend, I assumed the worst. (Naturally). So when you are worried, what’s the best thing to do?

Pray, call, make a doctor appointment, think positively and wait until your appointment.

Well, yes, that is the right thing. Unfortunately that’s not what I did. I turned to Google. (Never a good idea).

What I learned was that Cali likely has diabetes or Cushing’s Disease. So I continued to “research”, staying up on my phone till 3:00 am, reading article after article about what this means for her life span and quality of life, while letting my brain race.

The next day, the day the vet was of course closed, I couldn’t shake the anxiety in my stomach that I was going to lose Cali. Of course her dying was the natural thing to assume. Could I hold her while she was put to sleep? Would I survive it? What was wrong with her?

All of my worries ran through my mind like a fire in Colorado, one that couldn’t be put out. I felt physically sick to my stomach. It started in my tummy, like a burning rock that made me want to throw up. Then it spread up to my diaphragm, like hot lava spreading up to my heart, which ached, then up my throat, sitting there like a form of acid. The anxiety of losing my furbaby, the one who has been by my side for 8 years and licked my tears and cuddling against my barren stomach was too much for me to process.

I KNEW better than to let myself go. I recited all the verses I knew about worry and anxiety and trusting God. In fact, I actually begin to think that God was going to take Cali from me as some sort of test of my faith (because I haven’t been through enough) and all day I plead with God, trying to convince Him that I was strong enough without this test of faith.

I was stumped. How could I be praying, reading scripture, and yet so physically ill from the anxiety? Wasn’t the peace of God supposed to take away this pit in my stomach? What was I doing wrong? I had faith that God could heal Cali, but was assuming He wasn’t. I was being honest to Him with my emotions, scribbling down in my journal I’m so scared today Lord. I know you know how much I love Cali and I am terrified that I am going to lose her. I know I would survive but the thought of having to go through that pain paralyzes me and makes me anxious. God, you are a healer and I pray for healing for Cali and Lord, you also are a comforter and I pray that you comfort my heart and calm my anxious thoughts, surrounding them with your peace.

And still the anxiety grew. I couldn’t eat dinner. I couldn’t disengage from the fear. I read Steven Furtick’s words about fear – “…if left alone, it (fear) tends to compound, spread and destroy. Little fears can cohabitate and combine to form levels of anxiety and terror that will annihilate our awareness of the presence of God….therefore, our approach to dealing with fear cannot be passive. Because fear doesn’t evaporate. It must be evicted.”

I was letting the fear destroy me, trusting God but trusting Google more. I was engaging the fear by just looking up “one more thing”. It was awful. I was expecting the fear to evaporate instead of being proactive to just STOP playing the “what-if’s” in my head and setting the phone down. Josh eventually was able to pry the phone from my hands (which resulted in me missing lots of texts, sorry for my abrupt absence to those texting). And then I just had to wait.

Josh prayed for Cali and I and that made me feel better. I took a sleeping pill (the only logical thing to do to stop the voices) and made an appointment for the first thing this morning.

I teared up as I brought Cali to the car, for some reason terrified that they wouldn’t give her back to me if something was wrong. Lord please, any other sacrifice …

(Side note – isn’t it funny how dramatic our brains can be when in FEAR MODE? Logic makes no sense, even typing this now I am wondering how I let myself get so out of control. But that voice just fed on itself and unfortunately, I let it.)

I talked to the vet, spilling out my concerns … a few accidents, maybe drinking more or maybe just hot, sad eyes that have nothing to do with the fireworks, I think … I just know … diabetes? Dying? The look of empathy he gave me was calming, Is she eating normally? (yes) Is she showing a lack of interest in everything? (no, I had to tear her away from her toys to get her into the car this morning) Is her belly bloated? (No) The questions continued and I realized my Google research lead me astray a bit. They brought her back and took a urine sample (poor little pup and the catheter) and some blood work. While we waited Cali demonstrated her tricks for the techs (balancing and high fives and rolling and spinning in a circle and such) – all clearly evidence that she was on her last leg, right? Sigh.

Well, the results are in. She doesn’t have diabetes or Cushing’s Disease. She has a slight UTI and low estrogen (like her mom, go figure), which is causing slight incontinence. Are you sure she isn’t dying??? (“She has some of the best blood work and urine results we have seen, she is extremely healthy and has a long life ahead of her.”) And no diabetes? (“Not a trace.”). And so we were off, with antibiotics in hand and a low-dose estrogen that she will take twice a day for the rest of her long life.

That was a lot of worry for nothing. And how I wish I could have told my yesterday-self that it would all work out like this. SHE WILL BE FINE. Stop the voice. But I just couldn’t build up enough strength to trust God and stop my racing mind. I wish there was a “Peace of God” pill, but there isn’t. I know next time to stay off of Google – to EVICT the fear by stopping my thoughts. By running the other way and to NOT play out all of the what-if’s before they come true. I wish I could say next time an anxiety attack like this hits, that I can say I will have it under control, but it’s so hard.

“Jesus stood up and commanded the wind, “Be quiet!” and he said to the waves, “Be still!” The wind died down, and there was a great calm. Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Why are you frightened? Do you still have no faith?” (Mark 4:39-40 GNT)

When I read these verses today, I couldn’t help but feel God was speaking directly to me – Chelsea, why are you so frightened? Do you still not believe that I have things under control? That you can trust me? That you have nothing to fear because you always will have my protection over you? Trust me, regardless of the outcomes.

What a struggle this is! One I will continue to work on. I wish I was better at trusting. It’s a muscle that I need to continue to work on and I know that in order to work on it, I need to face situations in my life that require trust. It’s scary, but not as scary as the what-if’s. He’s got my back.

In the meantime, send us good luck wishes as we attempt to get a very stubborn little dog to take her antibiotics twice a day. And send Josh well wishes as he now has to live with two hormonally-imbalanced ladies. HA! :)

My sweet little hormone imbalanced puppy-cannoli.

friday favorites – july 4.

July 4, 2014July 4, 20148 Comments

Happy 4^th of July! For my USA friends, I hope you have fun plans ahead to celebrate Independence Day. Judging by the sounds of the 9:45 am fireworks going off, it’s safe to say our neighbors are starting the celebrations early, much to Cali’s dismay. Have fun and be safe today people!

Now without further adieu, Friday Favorites! Let’s jump right in.

Favorite Moment:

Josh and I got to celebrate our 9 year anniversary this last Wednesday and I felt so incredibly surrounded by love the whole day. Thank you to everyone who celebrated with us through a comment, like, message or text as well! Josh surprised me by coming home early from work that day and surprised me by having my wedding dress cleaned and preserved. (It was one of those things I never did and completely forgot about, so I was really surprised! It looks beautiful all cleaned up!) We enjoyed a great dinner out downtown and laughed and played cards. Yes, cards. We are semi-addicted to Golf and Phase 10 and like the old married couple we are, shuffled our way through the evening. It was perfect!

A quick little picture before dinner ….

And then we noticed Cali’s tail, since she was obviously trying to get in to the picture. But 19 tries later, it was clear that she really didn’t wanted to LOOK at the camera, just be in the way. Oh well, we tried!

Favorite Local Find:

My friend introduced me to a new restaurant in the Twin Cities called Yum Kitchen and Bakery and it was delicious! We worked up an appetite walking over there from her house and enjoyed their signature iced tea (AMAZING) and mahi mahi fish tacos. Oh, and we shared some fries – they are a MUST there! If you are in the Twin Cities, head on over and give them a try. They have a small gluten free menu as well, making it a win-win!

Favorite Photo Taken:

There was a sunset last weekend that took my breath away. I love that we can see views like this from our front porch. Beautiful!

Favorite Quote:

“Do not grieve Him by doubting His love.”

I read this in my devotional earlier today and LOVED it. I know that sometimes, when answered prayers seem ages away, and we assume that the delays we are experiencing are denials, it just don’t feel like He loves us. We can turn our wish list into a sign that He loves us (or doesn’t) and when life falls short of our expectations, we can begin to doubt Him. I loved the word grieve in the quote above … Do not grieve Him… If Josh ever began to express to me that he doubted my love, it would make me SO sad. I would constantly be trying to tell him and show him that I love him. It would be even more hurtful and heartbreaking if he continued to doubt my love even after I did everything I could to make it abundantly clear to him that I loved him. Thinking about God in this way was a great reminder to me this morning. Every minute I breathe, He is showing His love for me. Questioning that only breaks His heart. God’s character isn’t that of delay, but of perfect love and timing and is OUTSIDE of any circumstances or situations I encounter.

Favorite Find:

Yea, okay, so “Favorite Find” isn’t necessarily a great section, but I really just need an excuse to share this hoodie I found for Cali at a thrift shop yesterday.

HA! She’s a little Gap girl. How stinking cute is that!? Clearly she isn’t as thrilled as me, but come on … pure adorable-ness going on right there.

Favorite Product:

My friend Karen sent me a little sample of Urban Decay’s Eyeshadow Primer Potion in the shade sin and oh my goodness, this is my new favorite make-up product. I am squeezing out the last little bit of my sample and putting this on my birthday list for sure. Who knew that eyeshadow primer really worked??? LOVE.

Favorite Funnies:

And of course ….

(No really, this is scary stuff.)

Alright, now off your phones or computers and go enjoy your day! To all the dog owners out there who’s dogs are terrified of fireworks – good luck tonight … we WILL get through this weekend! (This is Cali’s LEAST favorite holiday of all times ….) Happy 4th of July!

Who knew a patriotic photo shoot would be so exhausting!? HA!

normal.

July 1, 2014December 28, 201426 Comments

Well, we have made it through all of the calendar landmines for 2014. We just cleared Frostie’s due date (our last frozen embryo we transferred last fall) and I feel relieved to be past all 4 of the “I should be in labor right now …” days. I know that I will always carry those due dates on my heart. There will always be days in January, April, June, and September that are carved into my soul with love for my babies that should have been. As I reflect back on so many emotions of the last 5+ years, I realize that infertility is incredibly complex, making me have days and moments where I feel like there are 18 different Chelsea’s crammed into one body.

I am here to let you know that if there are moments you feel like your world is caving in and you just don’t know if you can keep going, you are normal.

If you have moments where you feel like the sun is shining extraordinary bright and your heart has nothing but hope in it, you are normal.

If you have moments where you burst into tears for no reason at all, you are normal.

If you have moments where your heart aches with a physical pain and you are concerned that you actually may be having a heart attack because it hurts that bad, you are normal.

If you have moments where you are so grateful for your spouse and what you have that you can’t wipe the smile off your face, you are normal.

If you have moments where you pat your hormone induced belly bloat and talk to a fake baby bump, you are normal. (Also normal, pushing out your stomach and taking selfies to see what you will look like when you actually are pregnant.)

If you have moments where you contemplate knocking over a smoking pregnant woman and screaming at her about how stupid she is, you are normal.

If you have moments where you find yourself wandering the baby aisles at Target, softly petting the ‘I love Mommy’ onsies, wondering if you will ever be able to buy it for yourself, you are normal.

If you have moments where you enjoy your freedom to go out to a movie on a whim with your husband and are secretly grateful for that flexibility, you are normal.

If you have moments where you go on a ‘you are pregnant, therefore hidden’ binge on Facebook and erase the physical reminders that all 319 friends of yours are pregnant, you are normal.

If you have moments where you cry with happiness because a friend shares with you that she is expecting, you are normal. (Also normal, crying in the bathroom later because you guys were supposed to be pregnant together.)

If you have moments where you feel completely content with your trial and embrace each day with strength and joy, you are normal.

If you have moments where you hear phantom crying in the middle of the night for the infant you wish was beside the bed, you are normal.

If you cringe when a pregnant woman complains about how fat she is getting, you are normal.

If you roll your eyes every time you have to buy ANOTHER bottle of prenatal vitamins, you are normal.

If you get excited about ovulation tests, raised body temps and cervical mucus, you are normal.

If you hate everything about ovulation tests, body temping and analyzing your cervical mucus, you are normal.

If you get anxiety when your angel baby’s “birthday” comes around, you are normal.

If you want to quit this journey and start traveling and living life, you are normal.

If you can’t stop thinking about the “what if’s” all day, you are normal.

If you don’t think about infertility for a clump of time, you are normal.

If you hate that your sex occasionally has to be timed and that you need to lay with your legs in the air for 15 minutes after, you are normal.

If you find yourself getting excited about a new vitamin, supplement, cream, herb, or technique, you are normal.

If you feel like you just can’t turn off your brain, you are normal.

If you are suddenly and overwhelmingly comforted by God’s peace in your darkest moments, you are normal.

If there are days where God seems so far away and you have no idea if He hears your prayers, you are normal.

If you wonder WHY WHY WHY WHY on a regular basis, you are normal.

If you get excited when you think about the opportunity to make this misery into a ministry, you are normal.

If you cling to the reminder that God won’t waste a hurt, you are normal.

If you feel like no one understands you, you are normal.

The truth is, there is no right or wrong way to feel when you are struggling with infertility. Every day is a new day, new emotions surging through you and new triggers that stand in your way. I am doing my best each day to keep things in perspective, reminding myself that it could be worse and be thankful for the opportunity to strength my faith, grow as a woman and with Josh as a couple, and feed on the faithfulness of God. But I also have my moments where I want to pick up the towel and throw it in, declaring myself officially barren and binging on spa trips and new clothes.

So, where does that leave us? Well, our western medicine interventions are still on hold. I have been going back to acupuncture weekly and getting sessions, along with cupping for my back pain. My back pain is thankfully more mild than severe and the sessions seem to be helping, and for that I am grateful. I haven’t been back to the naturopathic doctor in a while and feel peace about that decision. I learned a lot from him though and still regularly take my daily vitamins and supplements. (For those who are interested, I take a prenatal vitamin, Vitamin D3 and C, Magnesium Glycinate, Vitex Fruit, Maca Root, Vessel Care, COQ10 and a baby aspirin daily). My cycles since my April surgery haven’t been awesome. I had a 49 day cycle the month of my laparoscopy, which I know can be normal. This last cycle I didn’t ovulate and I induced a period using natural progesterone cream, resulting in a 45 day cycle. We are adding in herbs this cycle, mixing in 5 teaspoons of this unique mixture into hot water and chugging it twice a day and I am hoping that this brings positive change.

I have been doing castor oil packs on my back and will now start doing abdominal ones leading up to ovulation. I have heard good things about that and have tried it in the past and found it relaxing. I would really like to be more consistent with it though. I aim to improve my health this summer, hoping losing some weight and getting back on track with my low carb/sugar diet. I have no clue what the future holds and just continue to pray that God would make a new path incredibility obvious for us. All in all, I know that this rests in hands much larger than mine. I will be hopping back into the working world soon, covering a maternity leave at the hospital I used to work at and am excited for that change in routine (and am grateful its only 12 weeks). One day at a time right? I will do my best to continue to keep you updated. I have a blog on infertility; I should share my own story more often, right?

Thanks for continuing to coat our journey in your prayers and cares. It means so much to us. As time goes on, I know this trial can start to feel so routine, yet it’s a real hurt on our hearts every day. It never gets easier on our hearts. We learn to cope better, adjusting our perspective or embracing how we are being stretched, but the pain is still raw and real. At the end of the day, we KNOW that God will continue to use this for good and that because of Jesus, there is no worst case scenario for us.

See you Friday for Friday Favorites! :)

joseph.

June 16, 2014June 16, 20147 Comments

Ever hear the story of Joseph from the Bible? The story that Joseph and the Technicolor Dream Coat in loosely based on? It’s a great story and one I tend to breeze over in the Bible since I have heard it over and over again. For those of you who don’t know it or want to read a refresher, in summary, Joseph grew up in a family with his 11 brothers and dad Jacob, who favored him. His brothers got jealous of that and grew to hate him, even more so when Joseph started sharing revelations from his dreams that his brothers would one day bow down to him. They planned to kill him, but instead sold him to a caravan going to Egypt and told their dad Jacob that Joseph was dead. Still with me? So Joseph ended up being sold as a slave to an officer in the army, got accused of something false and was thrown in prison where he remarkably continued to have a positive influence on God’s kingdom. Finally, 13 years after he was sold as a slave, he became recognized by the King due to his God-given gift to interpret dreams and was made a ruler in Egypt.

Okay, so keep all of that in mind because it’s important. Joseph’s life kind of sucked! I mean, imagine growing up with tons of brothers who hate you. I am sure that the ridiculing was worse than just a few wet willy’s or noogies. I mean, they were so mad they plotted to kill him, so we know that house must have been a little (or a lot) hostile. So then Joseph gets sold as a slave, which, hello, would be awful. Imagine having freedom and then suddenly being ripped from your home and forced to be a slave for someone who’s wife keeps putting you in a very difficult position. Then you get accused of something false and thrown in prision. Again, suckfest.

So I am sitting here reading all this today and cringing at the thought of this tough life Joseph was living. I mean, I am CERTAIN that he was wondering “Why God???” Why have you put me in this place? Why have you forced me into this situation that is lonely and painful and confusing? Why why why? But I am so amazed at how Joseph continued to trust God in these desolate moments. I am sure he had to fight off hopelessness daily. Life was not how he planned it to be.

Fast forward a bit. Joseph is around 39 or 40 when he is moved into this new place of power. So, I continue reading when I come to these verses*:

During this time, before the first of the famine years, two sons were born to Joseph and his wife, Asenath … Joseph named his older son Manasseh, for he said, “God has made me forget all my troubles and everyone in my father’s family.” Joseph named his second son Ephraim for he said, “God has made me fruitful in this land of my grief.”

Two things stand out. One, the fact that God can bless us in such an unexpected way that He can make us forget all of our troubles, all of the years that we have felt trapped to a struggle or hardship, all of the tears that we have cried. God is capable and able to help us let go of the hurts that held onto our hearts for so long. Two, God can make us fruitful in the places that hurt us the most. This verse doesn’t say “God can keep us alive by a thin strand in the land of sorrow.” or “God has made me survive in the land of my grief.” … it says FRUITFUL.

Definition of fruitful: producing an abundance of growth, yielding fruit and results

We have the ability to have an abundance of growth right here, right here in the places we struggle most, the places that cause us the most grief, that make us wonder “why?”.

What is it for you? Is it struggling with your job, feeling like you just will never get a foot ahead or succeed? Is it struggling in your marriage, feeling like you are just on autopilot and missing the intimacy you once had? Is it struggling with your weight or food choices, always wondering when you will beat the addictive cycle and become a healthier you? Is it struggling being single, feeling lonely when all of your friends marry and have their other half? Is it carrying the burden of infertility, feeling so left out in a world full of families and aching for one of your own? Or perhaps you’re a mom who is feeling lost in the monotony of a toddler life – cleaning cheerios off the floor and saying “no” or “not now” all day. What is causing you to feel a little lost right now, your land of your affliction?

There is good news to all of this. God is with us and God will come in and save the day. He always does. It doesn’t always look the way we think it would or should look, but He is so faithful in blessing us and providing for us when we continue to stay faithful to Him. And it IS possible to produce fruit right where you are – midst divorce, midst family turmoil, midst another failed IVF cycle and midst seasons of lost purpose.

We can find purpose in our “chains” when we look for ways for God to use us, right where we are. Let’s continue to have confidence that He will work our tough times out for His good. I know the stretching is hard, I’m certain 13 years as a slave and in prison wasn’t exactly how Joseph pictured his life, but in the end, there was so much good that came from his story. Ours too – there is good to come. Keep the faith friends.

*Genesis 41:50-52 (NLT)