Category: grief

Christmas.

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Apparently I was not the only one who thought running to Target on Sunday evening was a good idea. I am not sure if it was the extra 10% off that caused the excess crowds or if it was the fact that it was a few days before Christmas, but whatever it was, Target was a zoo.

I mean it. I saw two ladies ram carts to get to the last bag of hanging cheddar cheese. I saw a small child nearly rolled over with a cart as a man tried to maneuver something in the way back on the bottom shelf. I myself even had to use a throat cleaning technique or two as I tried to pass through the bakery scene. People were abandoning their carts and running for the items they needed. It reminded me of a scene from a store the day before Y2K. (Remember that? We all thought the world was going to end? What was going to happen to the computers!?!?)

An item on my list was bacon and I knew this would be a congested spot. I pulled up to the section and stood back quietly to watch the animals shoppers fight. As I stood aside waiting for the perfect opportunity to dart in and grab what I needed, I couldn’t help but notice an adorable little girl, about 4, standing with her mom and baby brother next to me. I smiled at her as she noticed me watching and then it came.

“Hi. Where’s your baby?”

All my mind could think was “Is this a joke?”, yet I managed to smile (as I assumed tears and a pained cry might frighten her and everyone around me) as I gritted back “Oh hi, I don’t have a baby.”

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My heart was racing. Just a few minutes earlier as I was walking through the produce, I was struggling with sadness as I remembered just last year on this day, I knew I was pregnant. Memories of surprise onsies and telling-the-parents videos had been creeping up my throat as I was shopping the aisles and the question asked was like a dagger to my heart.

“But why don’t you have a baby?”

Thankfully at this point the mom became aware of the conversation and stepped in. “Honey, not everyone has a baby.” Then trying to change the subject, she turned to me and asked which brand of bacon was on the Cartwheel this week. (Answer: the sold out one). But instead of being able to answer, the little girls voice chimed in again.

“But why? Why don’t you have a baby too?”

Her persistence was admirable. She wanted an answer. I now was looking a little like this:

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She must have sensed that a response was not coming. I mean, it wasn’t like I was going to sit her down and say “Well, sometimes people have a hard time making a baby. And then you need shots and pills and surgeries. And then sometimes you get a baby in your tummy and then that baby dies. Merry Christmas.” So in order to avoid any appalled looks from her Mom, I choose to stay silent, my eyes darting around trying to locate ANY bacon at this point so I could make a run for it.

“Well, you should have a baby.”

Her last words were said so sweetly and with them, I grabbed some weird off brand bacon, nothing like the kind I wanted, spurt out a “bye” and ran away. (And by ran, I mean made it a foot with my cart before crashing into people waiting to get down aisles.)

My, what a year will do. For me, it’s been a tough couple days remembering this time last year. I am trying not to dwell on it, as I know it won’t change things, but still am working to acknowledge my sadness and process through it as it pops up.

This time last year, our home was filled with special memories like our first positive test, first baby bump pictures, and excited cries as we told our families. After I miscarried I thought that there would be no way that I wouldn’t be pregnant by the holidays this year because we would do whatever it took for that to happen. Well, we did whatever we could and I still sit here with the emptiness I never wanted to feel at Christmas.

Infertility at Christmas can bring out tough emotions. There seems to be something about holidays that grows an entirely new set of “what if” and “when will I” thoughts and memories. We see cousins growing up and it makes our hearts sad that the cousin won’t be close in age. We see parents, grandparents and great grandparents getting and acting older and our brains start to panic, worrying that our children will never know “this version” of them. We receive the announcement Christmas cards in the mail and we reflect back to the fact that if this or that cycle had worked, we would have been {insert number here} weeks along and sending out a similar card. We fill up our carts with gifts for nieces, nephews, and adopted families in need and wonder if we will ever be able to wrap a gift for our own child. As we sit around the Christmas tree, it stings as we realize another season is passing by in brilliant colors around us, while our colors feel a little muted and dull. The ache and longing feels like a gigantic gapping, bleeding hole and the smiles plastered on can feel so brittle that one wrong question asked and you might just crack.

Truth is, I didn’t expect to be spending Christmas this way. And I know that for many of those reading this, you weren’t expecting it for yourself either. But, I have good news… God is a God of impossibles.

Perhaps this journey has pushed you back further and you think “well if God really loved me, He would have given me a baby by now.” Don’t you wish that God was a magic genie that would just make every dream and desire come true exactly when we asked? I imagine Heaven is a mixture of praises and answered prayers, but on earth here today we are stumbling through a sinful world of imperfect people and bodies. There isn’t a “That Was Easy” button on every prayer prayed and our challenge today is to learn to be grateful and view TODAY, with your present circumstances and situation, as a day given to you out of love from our Father. May we be filled with hope that with His grace and goodness, there will be another tomorrow and with that comes the patient expectation of answered prayers and miracles worked.

You see, Christmas is one of the most beautiful reminders to me that God can do anything. Now struggling with infertility, I feel like I have a deeper significance of appreciation for the words “behold, a virgin shall conceive and bear a son …” It doesn’t make sense. In fact, it is IMPOSSIBLE. Yet, it happened. So often I forget the wait that was involved prior to Mary’s pregnancy by God’s people as they waited and waited for the King to arrive. But alas, at the right time, to the right set of parents, that miracle was performed.  

The rest of the verse above (Matthew 1:23) goes on to say “…, and they shall call His name Immanuel, which means, God with us.” The great news is that God is with us. We never have to fight this battle alone. Whatever battle you are facing today, whether it’s infertility like us, or something else, we have the presence of an Almighty God standing with us.

Friends, Christmas is upon us. It may look different than what we hoped, but let us celebrate the miracle of Jesus’ birth, knowing that “with God, nothing is impossible.” (Luke 1:37) And let us bring our sadness humbly to His feet and walk away with renewed hope in the year that is to come and with gratitude for the day He has given us in today. Keep believing, keep fighting and keep praying. I hope you all have a WONDERFUL Christmas.  

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Holiday Bucket List – Part 1

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Oh this Bucket List has been so much fun to work on over this holiday season! Truly, the holidays can be a painful reminder of the children we don’t have to set on Santa’s lap, so the distraction has not only been greatly appreciated, but it’s prompted us to create many new memories and I love that! Here’s a quick update on how we are doing:

Well … my first Holiday Bucket List (HBL) item was to Put together a shoebox for Operation Christmas Child. I sat down after Thanksgiving to get the checklist from the website and find the nearest drop-off location only to find that the boxes are due before Thanksgiving and I missed the whole thing already. That would figure right? Way to start off on a great foot, haha! So instead, I decided to take my HBL item of Volunteer at an organization over the holidays and volunteer AT Operation Christmas Child. And then add a Toys for Tots donation to the list in lieu of the shoebox. Phew. So with that note, I have yet to drop off my tots gift (I have till the 21st) but did embark down to Bloomington, MN with my sister last week to volunteer at Operation Christmas Child! What an amazing experience it was! My job on the line was to remove contraband (glass, military/weapons toys, liquids, etc) and add fillers to the box if it was a little empty (things like soap, stickers, stuffed animals, etc). All I can say is that opening those shoeboxes and seeing the care people put into making them was amazing. And it was incredibly touching to realize that this small $1 yoyo and sheet of glittery star stickers would be the only Christmas gifts these children would received. I LOVED seeing the boxes that were clearly crafted by a child. They would include their school picture and adorable notes on the top of the shoebox, explaining the items or introducing themselves. It was a beautiful reminder in this season of how BLESSED we are for all that we have. I loved every minute of it and it will absolutely be an annual event going forward.

Operation Christmas Child

Operation Christmas Child

I have had an uncomfortable, yet awesome time of Intentionally acknowledge bell ringers outside of stores instead of avoiding eye contact. I am always impressed with their ability to stand still outside in the cold single digit temps, shaking their bell and attempting to sing. I have enjoyed tossing my change in there and saying Merry Christmas, leaving with a smile. (And have no picture to prove that this has been taking place so take my word for it.)

This last Saturday evening we crossed off three more items. Drive around aimlessly for at least 30 minutes looking at holiday lights, Visit a house that has a live music/light show and Visit a live nativity scene. First of all, can I just say “thank you” to all of those people who work so hard to put up outdoor Christmas lights? I remember as a child visiting a neighborhood in Westchester, IL that we called “Candy Cane Lane” where the majority of the neighborhood put out beautiful lights. The subdivision would turn into a slow crawl as cars would pull in and out of the streets, creeping by each house as our eyes tried to take it all in. It has always been a favorite childhood memory of mine and Saturday evening reminded me of those special memories. We started off the evening at the live nativity, which was truly, just beautiful. If you have never been to a live nativity, I highly recommend finding one in your area. I am so thankful for the hosting church and the volunteers who put it on. It was a “drive thru” one, meaning we simply drove around a loop, stopping at each scene, where a verse was posted about the Christmas story and volunteers stood still, acting out the verse. Between the people, live sheep and camels and powerful verses, it suddenly brings to life what Christmas really means. Josh narrated and read the verses outloud as we drove past, while I unsuccessfully choked back tears. One of my favorite memories from the bucket list thus far!

The live nativity ... and left with a powerful message on the last sign!

The live nativity … and left with a powerful message on the last sign!

And then we visited a house that has a light show set to music on a private radio station and that was so fun to visit. (We still have one more house that does this that we would like to get to this year!). And then we drove around, looking up houses to visit that are known for their lights. There were many beautiful ones … and then this lovely one as pictured below that took blow-ups in the yard to an extreme. Hahah, we loved it!

A shot of the house whose lights were coordinated to the music.

A shot of the house whose lights were coordinated to the music.

How's this for having the front yard decorated?

How’s this for having the front yard decorated?

Alright, next on the list was to try eggnogg. I knew I couldn’t consume a lot of sugar and didn’t have the interest in making homemade eggnog knowing I could only have a sip so I took the recommendation of the nice lady in Cub Foods and bought a container. And with Josh and my sister Courtney on my side, we tried it. And all I can say is I have a nearly full container of eggnog in my fridge if anyone is interested! :)

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We had good intentions to like this!

We had good intentions to like this!

Next on the list was to Go ice skating at the Depot in downtown Minneapolis. I recruited my sister and her boyfriend to join me on this one and we spent a lovely Friday morning relearning to ice skate. It must have been 10 years since I had ice skated last and I have gained an entirely new appreciation for those who make this look simple. It was a challenge, but a fun one, and I am thankful we ventured out on the ice.

Skating fun!

Skating fun!

Josh and I have been working our way through our Christmas Movie list on free evenings. So far we have watched Elf, Christmas Story, and National Lampoons Christmas Vacation. Josh added an “honorary” movie to the list, so we have also watched Home Alone and will also try to get Home Alone 2 in there too. So two more movies left to watch and we still have a week left. I think we can do it!

Four classics!

Four classics!

I had so many awesome invitations from others to help complete my Attend a Christmas concert of some sort item. I couldn’t help but excitedly accept the invitation to 3-year old Mallory’s Christmas concert. Let me tell you, you haven’t been to a Christmas concert until you have been to one that has tons of tiny children sing Happy Birthday to Jesus. It truly blessed my heart. Plus I got to see one of the cutest stable piggies ever too! So special!

How adorable is she!?

How adorable is she!?

The last item I have completed thus far is Paying for someone’s meal/drink behind me in a drive thru. This was a fun one that I did while grabbing an iced tea from McDonalds. It was fun to bless the minivan behind me and hopefully they enjoyed their lunch.

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Alright, that leaves about a week to accomplish a few more … I think I can do it. Thanks for following along!!

  • Watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas and Home Alone 2
  • Recruit my sister to reenact a childhood Christmas photo
  • Go sledding
  • Build a snowman. Perhaps a Cali sized one.
  • Make a snow angel
  • Buy new pajamas for Christmas morning. (Extra points if I match my sister)
  • Look at stars with Josh on a cold, snowy night

I have so much more to update y’all with …. and plan to soon. In summary, the naturopathic route has been going well all things considered. I knew the detox and adjusting to this much slower way of cycling would take a lot of time to get used to and it has. But I am continuing to try to keep moving forward with a good attitude and a hopeful expectation of the answers to prayer to come. Oh and I have also started doing heat yoga, which is TOTALLY new for me and will have to share some fun stories in the posts to come. Good news so far is I haven’t passed out!

Lastly, I want to wish my friend Charity over at The Word of a Nerd a Happy First Blogiversary!! She has invited to me help her celebrate and is an amazing Christian lifestyle blogger. Check our her blog today and also, have a chance to win some awesome giveaways!

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Alright all, hope you have a wonderful rest of your week and are enjoying the season we are in. Try your best not to let your expectations of the holidays overshadow what this time is all about! XOXO!

Dear Santa, part 2.

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Dear Santa,

It seems you received my letter last year! Christmastime 2012 was the first time I received a positive pregnancy test, just like my letter requested! However, I have now learned to be a little clearer with my wish list, as a positive pregnancy test will only go so far. So with a humble heart, I am writing you again this year asking you to fill my stocking with more baby dust and a pregnancy that results in an on-earth, living, breathing, take home baby. Piece of cake, right??

Let me start by saying I have been more nice than naughty this year. I have tried my best to take every pill and shot with a smile, hopeful with the expectation of what could come. (Granted, I am failing miserably with drinking these stupid shakes from the naturopathic doctor but let’s ignore that fact.) I have been drinking tons of water and have even learned to stop complaining about not being able to drink soda anymore. I smile at most of the children I encounter, with the exception of that unruly little one who tried to kick me and told me he doesn’t like me. (I might advise you to put him on the naughty list.) I have done my best to treat Josh with love and only have occasionally given him “that” dirty look. (You know the “what are you thinking!?!” look.). I haven’t pushed one smoking pregnant lady down this year, nor have I parked in the “Expectant Mother” spot, even though I am tempted to “just pretend”.

Santa, I have been responsible for keeping the Target baby section in the black with all of the baby gifts I have been buying and surprises I have been mailing. I haven’t complained more than a dozen times about the still-numb spot on my butt and thigh from the progesterone in oil shots and I am even starting to accept the fact that I may never regain feeling. I have genuinely prayed for and celebrated many other TTC pregnancies and births this last year, even when it is a tough reminder that it’s not me.

I have been journaling and writing to my future child and simply ask that someday, he or she will be able to read those words. I have limited my Starbucks addiction and am trying to get healthier, even though it’s more challenging than I had imagined.. And unlike last year, I haven’t stuck my tongue out at one person yet this year. (Well, with the exception of Josh, but he was really being difficult that day.)

I have sat through more blood pokes than I could count and haven’t cried yet. I have patiently sat on the phone with the insurance company to fight my D&C denial and didn’t say to their face that it was insanely absurd that they would cover an abortion but not a miscarriage. (Okay, minus points for thinking it though. Again though, I may advise they be moved to the naughty list.)

Josh and Cali have been so good this year too! Josh lovingly abides with the dreadful dinners recently. (I figure if I can’t eat carbs or sugars, he shouldn’t be able to either.) He fills up the gas tank in the winter so I don’t have to and pays attention to things like oil changes. He has waited on me hand and foot as I have recovered from 2 egg retrievals, 4 embryo transfers and the D&C with such love and care.  He always wakes up and rolls over to hand me a tissue when my nose is running in bed so I don’t have to get up. (And never questions why I don’t move the box to my nightstand since he understands it just wouldn’t fit the decorative balance of the room.) And then there is that time, okay, every night, where he goes back downstairs to bring up whatever it is I forgot. And Cali? Well, she has been ever so patient with me as I continue to dress her up and pretend like she is a human child. She only slightly glared when I put the antlers on her ears this week and gracefully allowed me to put her in 7 (yes, seven) Halloween costumes this year. I really think she would love a brother or sister. (Okay, honestly, it would be an adjustment, but one I am sure she would love to make. No need to check with her on that, just take my word.)

So please, again, I beg of you, fill our Christmas with every good thing you have in your bag. I ask for all the joy, hope patience and strength that you can bring. (And you don’t even have the wrap it.) Take our stocking and make it overflow with fertility and determination. I ask for nothing more but a 2014 filled with more than our hearts can imagine and bigger than our dreams can dream.

Love,

A Patiently Waiting Mommy to Be

PS – If you can, also send our angel babies up in heaven a little hug from their mom and dad. We will miss them so much this Christmas and wish we were spending it with them.

Look at this patient face!

Look at this patient face!

i’m thankful for …

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Happy Thanksgiving to my friends in the USA and Happy Thursday to my friends around the world. : ) There is something so fun about today. I love gratitude and having a whole day where the entire country is focused on it is pretty neat. Some favorite holiday traditions of mine include watching the Macy’s day parade, listening my husband riffle through the Black Friday newspaper and sharing every good deal in it with me (“No, really though, isn’t that a great deal? I wish we needed a scooter.”), and of course, all the food to be feasted on. My doctor told me yesterday to enjoy the day with responsible portions of carbs and sugars. “It’s only one meal Chelsea. It’s okay. Just don’t take home leftovers and don’t go crazy.” I gotta admit, that made me happy! I am slightly terrified of undoing my hard work but even just one bite of mashed potatoes will make me thrilled. And of course, the relaxing time with the family, creating new memories and enjoying laughter is great too.

But one thing I wanted to share with you all today is this simple fact: I am thankful for my infertility.

No that wasn’t a typo. This Thanksgiving I’ve decided to forgo the traditional gratitude list (all of which are valid and are things I really am thankful for) and instead, share with you this reality.

I am thankful for my infertility.

Dealing with infertility has taught me so many things and given me so much. It has been difficult. There has been tremendous heartache. Many tears. Physical suffering and emotional agony. Moments of desperation and periods of heavy sadness and grief. Yet I wouldn’t trade this journey in for anything.

Infertility has taught me to learn how to choose joy in tough situations. It has changed my heart to be one that sees the glass as half full instead of half empty. It has made my “joy muscles” work out and as a result, there are days I feel like I could bench press a truck. And admittedly, days I ignore the joy gym, but at least I still feel convicted about it. It has reminded me that we are to give thanks in EVERY situation, not just the ones that make us feel warm and fuzzy.

Infertility has strengthened my marriage. I truly can’t imagine walking down this path with anyone other than Josh.  It has brought us to our knees in prayer, together as a unit. It has made us realize what God meant when He said we will cleave to our spouse. It has made me appreciate his optimism and positivity more than ever. It has given us reasons to laugh together, cry together, and learn to love deeply and unconditionally. It has made us depend on one another in unique ways and Josh’s example has taught me what it is like to have a servants heart.

Infertility has brought me closer to friends, family and strangers. It has caused me to seek support from unlikely places and communicate in ways I hadn’t imagined. Because of it, my heart has swelled and overflowed due to the incredible kindness of others. I have made new friends thanks to Instagram and this blog – friendships that I don’t doubt will last a lifetime. It has made me more vulnerable with my family and friends – people I see in real life, that have been given an insiders pass to my heart and emotions. It has resulted in beautiful conversations, meaningful prayers prayed, and many tears and hugs given.

Infertility has helped me to look past my own situation and into the lives of others. It has made me more aware that everyone is suffering from a Thing. It has helped me to assume the best about people’s dispositions and taught me to extend grace since I have no idea what path others are walking on. It has sharpened my spiritual gift of encouragement and made me fine tune reading people’s hearts and needs, and prayerfully, helping to say the right words at the right times.

Infertility has made me stronger than I ever imagined possible.  It has forced me to deal with difficult tasks – whether it’s giving myself shots or learning patience during a two week wait. It has given me reasons to be sad, cry and learn how to lean on a strength that’s not my own. It has made me pick myself up off the ground, brush the dirt off my shoulders, and keep walking forward. It has taught me the fine art of persistence. It has reminded me that we are to “ask, seek, and knock.” (Matthew 7:7-8). It has taught me to keep knocking and to trust that the door will be opened.

Infertility has taught me that God will equip me where He calls me. Never did I ever imagine having a blog. Never did I imagine writing routinely. Never did I imagine sharing our small story with all of you. Yet each time I sit down, He fills my heart with words and allows my fingers to type in a way that, thankfully, many of you understand. I am not a writer – yet somehow, I write.

Infertility has taught me that I don’t always know best. I have recited Proverbs 3:5 to myself more times in the last few years than any other verse in the Bible. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.” It has reminded me that my own logic, my own decisions, my own will and my own knowledge are nothing compared to His will and plans. It has resulted in me trusting where He leads us more than what makes sense in my head. (For the math folks out there, that means His plan > My understanding.)

Infertility will make me a more graceful pregnant woman and hopefully, a better mother. It will allow me to experience pregnancy (God willing) with a spirit of thanksgiving, knowing what a wonderful gift I will be given. (Or at least teach me to know my audience on tough days.) It will allow me to embrace the challenges, remembering how strongly I desired them. It has allowed me to pray for my children and their lives many years in advance. I don’t think I would have been a lucrative mother, but it sure has given me time to prepare my heart as much as possible for what may be ahead.

Infertility has made me enjoy this season of my life. The quiet. The calm. The ability to walk out of the door and run to Target when I want. The ability to have spontaneous date nights with Josh and the ability to go to bed at 8:30 if we so choose. I appreciate sleeping in, taking long baths and watching shows other than Nick Jr. I can’t wait for the time to come when all of that changes, but for this time, right now, I am grateful for what I can experience.

Infertility has taught me that life doesn’t always have to make sense for us to be content. It has helped me realize that if God answered every prayer we all prayed, we would be living in heaven. It has helped me remember that we live in a fallen world, with human bodies that are less than perfect. We are in a world of sadness and death, with more and more dysfunction every day. It certainly isn’t ideal but I serve a Lord that “causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God…” (Romans 8:28).

Infertility has made me realize that I don’t always need to come up with the right words to pray in order for Him to be near. “Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves…” (Romans 8:26-27a MSG) It has taught me a greater appreciation for His Spirit.

And lastly, and most importantly, infertility has caused me to fall deeper in love with my Father. It has caused me to seek Him with all of my heart. It has made me turn to Him for comfort and it has made me realize that nothing on this earth is more valuable than my relationship with Him. God, in return, has drawn intimately close to me and His daily presence in every moment of my life brings utter joy to the surface. It has taught me that denying myself and following Him (Luke 9:23) is to trust in His plan and walk with Him regardless of my own desires. It has made me dive deeper into His love letter to us, made me seek Him through podcasts and music, and transformed a stagnant prayer life into a daily conversation with Him. Infertility has taught me that my eternal Hope has already overcome it all. That this world, these moments, this life, is brief compared to what is ahead.

When I started this blog last year and was asked the gigantic task of creating a web address for the page, I chose “trials bring joy”.  It stemmed from James 1:2-4 which says: “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.” Oh Lord, I am finally getting it. It took a while – but reflecting on this trial placed in front of me, and all the lessons learned from it, I can’t help but understand the phrase “trials bring joy” even more so now. It is possible for our most difficult times in life to be an opportunity to bring great joy.

I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone. But I do wish that everyone had the opportunity to go through a challenge, a trial, a journey, which results in building endurance. For when we go through fiery times in life, like silver being melted and transformed, we WILL come out more refined and polished. And for that I am thankful. I am thankful for this time of fire. I am thankful for a God who never leaves my side. I am thankful for YOU – for caring as deeply as you do. For the prayers of many and for the joy that is to come. I am FAR from perfect. I have good days and bad days. But what I have learned thus far has made an everlasting impact on my life.

So on that note, we wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving (and/or Thursday). Enjoy the day!

“Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later.” (Romans 8:18)

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

it’s okay to grieve dreams.

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As I sat down to blog today, I wasn’t really sure in what direction to go in. I could talk about my detox lifestyle change (minimal carbs and refined sugars) but I still am in that phase where I want to fling myself off a roof or lock myself in a closet with a baguette, so the topic might still be a little fresh. (Or concerning when you realize how truly in love with carbs and sugars I really am/was.) I could talk about my bucket list but, well, to be honest, I haven’t made any progress with it yet. We could talk Thanksgiving plans or about my latest song roulette attempts, but it’s all kind of low key. So instead, I walked away from the computer and picked up the book I am rereading (Hannah’s Hope) and found myself at the chapter on anguish and grief.

The chapter starts:

“Her heart petitioned the name too holy to voice. Yahweh, will I ever have a labor story to share with the women at the city well? How I long for morning sickness! Will I know the joy of snuggling my child to my breast? Could it truly be that I may never watch my own chubby-legged infant attempt his first tottering steps? Will I ever cry as I send my son off to his first day of studying the Torah? Might I never be the mother of the bride? A lifetime of losses overwhelmed Hannah…”

This story, an interpretation of Hannah’s emotions based on 1 Samuel 1, struck a chord with me today. Recently, I have been talking to women who are in the stage of grieving over the sorrow of not having their dreams be what they imagined. So many people can brush such sorrow under the rug. It can be hard to mourn with someone over what they hoped for or thought might be. When you haven’t gone through their circumstances, validating someone’s ache can feel more gesture-y than genuine. “Oh, I’m sorry you are going through that. It will be okay. Just give it some time. Hey, do you want a mocha or latte?”

This type of grief can be with many things. Maybe it’s the boyfriend you don’t have. You sit and wonder if you will ever have the chance to share an engagement story or make a bucket list with your spouse. The future of those hopes and dreams of being a bride and a wife seem so far away and at times, you feel hopeless. Or perhaps it’s a job that is in line with your passions. You feel trapped and wonder if you will ever wake up on a Monday and enjoy going into the office. You never imagined yourself so miserable in your career. Or it could be that you are losing hope that your spouse will ever come to know Christ, and you keep waiting and waiting and waiting for that day to come when you can share in the same Hope. It’s all grieving the could-be’s and potential losses.

Guess what. We are made in God’s image and our emotions, our humanness, come from Him. Grief is a normal emotion to have. But here’s the thing many of us can forget – we are not told not to grieve in the Bible – but we ARE told not to grieve as those who have no hope. (1 Thessalonians 4:13) So guard your heart and hang onto that hope … which I have talked about many times throughout the blog.

So this Thanksgiving, as you sit around with friends and family, some of whom might be going through tough times, here are a few suggestions of how to handle them/us.

  • Give them the opportunity to talk about it. Ask open ended questions about how they are doing or feeling. Let them be sad if they are sad. Don’t try to put an “it will all be okay” bandaid over their sorrow. Affirm their emotions as they struggle with their current situation and don’t downplay their frustrations or emotions.
  • Give them the opportunity to not talk about it.  Use your common sense to evaluate someone’s non-verbal’s. If you ask someone how they are doing since their separation and they change the subject to quickly talk about the stuffing, let them change the subject. There are many times people don’t want to dwell on their hurt. You have simply let them know you care and that you are available to talk to if and when they are ready.
  • Help create new memories. This world has so many opportunities for laughter and joy. Take advantage of being a distraction from the pain someone is going through. I read today “We cannot too often dwell on the past, not so as to erase it, but rather to augment our life with a salting of the good in this world.” Make a plan, take them to a coffee shop or partner up and tackle a corny gingerbread house kit. The distraction is so nice.
  • Remember your words are powerful. A simple word of encouragement goes a long way. Remember that we are sent here to “watch and pray”. Not to “watch and criticize” or “watch and judge” or “watch and vent about all our frustrations in the area that someone may be sensitive about”. Use your words to lift someone up. Know your audience. And don’t mutter the words “you really should be over it by now” or “perhaps it just wasn’t meant to be.”
  • Share hope with them. Don’t just assume someone KNOWS you support them. Say it. Send a card or a Facebook message. Text them an encouraging verse or simply a “Have a great day!” message. Let them know you are there. It’s amazing how blessed someone feels when you reach out to them and let them know you care and are hoping for the best. It reminds us we are not alone in our fight.

So whatever it is that you are facing – infertility, the loss of a spouse due to death or divorce, money troubles, singleness, memories of a lost child, the ache of a child who has gone astray, health issues, homesickness, difficult family dynamics … just know you aren’t alone. And the feelings you have of anguish are normal to feel.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4). Notice that it doesn’t say rushed. Don’t feel the need to rush those as they grieve. Encourage them, listen to them, give them a safe space to process, help distract them when needed and above all, pray for them. For there is a day and time when we will be able to be able to rejoice over answered prayers or celebrate being at peace with a new normal.

With all that said, it’s probably time to go prep some vegetables for snacks (Yum. No sarcasm here. *cough*) and watch a Hallmark Christmas movie. (Ahhh, there is something so cheesily wonderful about knowing exactly what is going to happen.) I hope you all have a blessed Thanksgiving if I don’t get on here before then! Please, eat an extra bite of stuffing in my honor … just don’t send me a picture of it. Gobble gobble!

the list. and more.

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I have a confession to make. I am not a good singer. In fact, if there was any talent I wish I had, it would be to be a good singer. BUT, there is something about Baby, It’s Cold Outside that turns me into a professional singer. My voice becomes that of an angel and I am certain that if Cali could sing, she would join me in the duet so that I didn’t have to attempt to sing both the male and female parts. All I Want for Christmas is You by Mariah Carey is a close second for my angelic voice trophy but I am still working on one note. But you will be the first to hear about my victory when that miracle happens.

I had SO much fun reading so many amazing ideas for my holiday bucket list. In fact my first draft of the bucket list included about 43 items which ended up seeming a little extreme, especially for a first attempt at a bucket list (and given that Christmas is, um, well, just a little over a month away.) So I have narrowed it down and am excited to debut its final version:

  • Put together a shoebox for Operation Christmas Child
  • Volunteer at an organization over the holidays
  • Intentionally acknowledge bell ringers outside of stores instead of avoiding eye contact
  • Drive around aimlessly for at least 30 minutes looking at holiday lights
  • Recruit my sister to reenact a childhood Christmas photo
  • Try eggnog
  • Watch Elf, Christmas Story, National Lampoons Christmas Vacation and How the Grinch Stole Christmas with Josh
  • Go sledding
  • Build a snowman. Perhaps a Cali sized one.
  • Make a snow angel
  • Go ice skating at the Depot in downtown Minneapolis
  • Attend a Christmas concert of some sort, whether its at a local church or in a stadium
  • Buy new pajamas for Christmas morning. (Extra points if I match my sister)
  • Pay for someone’s meal/drink behind me in a drive thru
  • Look at stars with Josh on a cold, snowy night
  • Visit a live nativity scene
  • Visit a house that has a live music/light show
  • Try a Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks

Two traditions we have in our family will continue – Josh and I always buy each other an ornament every year and our family makes gingerbread houses together. Well, my sister and Josh have a creative house making contest while I take on the role of the Iron Chef Chairman (complete with secret ingredients), my mom becomes the commentator (complete with a paper towel role microphone) and my dad, well, he passively helps with scoring, even though both of them always get 10’s in every category. I am excited for these traditions to continue!

Ok, enough about Christmas. I do realize it’s still only November 20th. For those of you who are interested in an update on our fertility treatments, here you go.

So three weeks ago I visited a chiropractic doctor who also has strong naturopathic experience. Preliminary testing using Applied Kinesiology (which uses bioenergetic feedback through testing the strength of various muscles in the body … I know, big words) helped to assess my state of health.  What was scary and fascinating was that without me telling him what was “wrong with me”, was that my body showed him. I’m going to be honest, it creeped me out a little bit. I bought my paperwork in with me so I know he didn’t cheat and look ahead of time, and he basically asked right away if I had issues with estrogen based on a few indicators, both physically looking at my eyes and through this muscle testing. It seems SO weird that my body could tell him that without him knowing … but I left that appointment feeling encouraged that he seemed sane, educated and knowledgeable.

The next week I went back for urine, blood and saliva testing that would provide him with more information on what was going on in my body. I was able to look at my blood cells and compare them to books and charts – I saw my lab results and saw areas where the numbers were extremely out of range. Essentially what I learned is that my infection levels in my blood were extremely high. And my estrogen toxicity levels came back off the charts high. A long conversation made short, what he shared is that he felt (and what the data supported) is that I likely have a parasite (a strong bug not killed by antibiotics) in my body (intestines to be specific) that is pulling certain parts of my healthy estrogen hormones out, leaving it unbalanced and then as it gets reprocessed, turning it toxic. My own research has supported that this is indeed possible. And it makes sense. My estrogen levels have always been so weird (he shared this conclusion before he knew my history with my estrogen issues) and also, this toxic estrogen can cause a progesterone aid to become toxic as well. (Which also has been a big issue when I am pregnant, I can’t get my progesterone high enough to support the pregnancy.) Basically he said that if we can kill the parasite using herbs and a detox diet, we can begin to have my body reroute how my estrogen is processed and composed in my body. Hey, its worth a shot, right?

I know, it sounds a little “quackish”. I have to admit I was skeptical as well. It all sounded too good to be true. BUT, without sharing my hours of time with him and all my personal medical history and other “issues”, the diagnosis does make sense to me. And is worth trying. If anything, I become healthier and hopefully clear up this infection. So since I am more prone to having insulin resistance (a common issue with PCOS), I am currently on a no/low carb diet, continuing to be gluten free and extremely cautious about my sugar intake.

So how’s that going for me? Um, well, it kind of sucks. Changing my diet is extremely hard but is something I know will be good in the long run, regardless of whether it increases my fertility or not. I have to laugh, if I would have written this blog on Friday it would have sounded something like “I hate my life. I hate not eating carbs. I hate these herbs. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want a baby. I would rather jump off a cliff than do this one more day.” But thankfully the carb/sugar withdrawals are improving and I no longer feel as if I want to throw myself into a pit of lions when someone mentions bread. Baby steps right?

Its funny (sort of, in a non ha-ha sort of way) that this journey would lead me to a path that involves self discipline. Something I suck at. (Stink at. Sorry Mom.) I truly would rather give myself a million shots a day than pass up a french dip sandwich or order of French fries. (Ohhh, French fries. Dangit.) It’s SO hard for me to exert willpower with things I don’t like or want to do. The only thing keeping me going is trusting that God has put me on this path for a reason and remembering that I am more than capable of resisting the temptation of devouring a bag of potato chips or guzzling sweet tea. Any extra prayers you can send my way as I continue to battle myself and develop healthier habits would be great!

Self discipline ... I repeat this verse often. I HAVE this, I just have to develop this ....

Self discipline … I repeat this verse often. I HAVE this, I just have to develop this ….

I was nearly in tears earlier today as I read Jesus’ prayer in Matthew 26. “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” I tend to pray often “Let this cup of suffering be taken from me! Answer our prayers. Hear my cries. Bless us with a child.” But it is SO hard to pray the last part of Jesus’ prayer … “Yet I want your will to be done … not mine.” The Message version of the Bible says He prayed ““My Father, if there is any way, get me out of this. But please, not what I want. You, what do You want?” I pray that God gives me the strength to pray Lord, what do YOU want? The great blessing in this prayer is that regardless of what He answers, we can trust His character, His goodness, His love. I may not always understand His methods or reasonings, but I can always trust that He is acting with purpose. Even when it hurts. I wish He moved according to my schedule and my plan. But when He doesn’t (and I find He rarely does), its our ability to tap into His strength that keeps us going. And when He finally does answer a request, I am always astonished and amazed at how much better His answer was then the one I was asking for.

“Though Jesus knows our triumphant outcomes, though He sees the joyful ending just around the bend, He still gets down in the middle of our sorrows and holds us close, mingling His tears with our own.” There is an ending to our story. And we trust that He is working even when the journey seems long. I am putting all my trust in the fact that He WILL provide us with a triumphant outcome and that He will be glorified in the end. My story is not my own.

So as I moved forward with this new path, combing his herbs to cleanse and detox with my own researched herbs to attempt to help my body ovulate (Maca Root, Royal Jelly, and Vitex fruit for my TTC interested friends …), I am trusting that this is all part of His will. Even if it’s realllllly hard right now.

Some of the vitamins I am taking ... I am supposed to get through all of these in ONE month. Gulp! Literally ... I feel like I am taking pills and drinking water alllll the time.

Some of the vitamins I am taking … I am supposed to get through all of these in ONE month. Gulp! Literally … I feel like I am taking pills and drinking water alllll the time.

Oh! And good news! Knowing the cleanse was approaching, I dove into my bucket list a little early and enjoyed a Peppermint Mocha with my sister. And man, it was delicious. So I have one item off my bucket list!

Try a Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks

Trying a Peppermint Mocha .... CHECK!

Trying a Peppermint Mocha …. CHECK!

I will keep you guys updated with pictures and stories on how things are going with that. As always, I am so thankful for your support, prayers and shared hope for us and what is to come.

Never give up!

Never give up!

thanksgiving BEFORE christmas!?!!?

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Which came first?

The chicken or the egg?

The phoenix or the flame? (any HP friends of mine get that reference?)

Thanksgiving or Christmas?

I can’t help but chuckle at the very opinionated posts I am seeing all over social media these days. You know the ones …

“Why is Target playing Christmas music!?! It’s only November!”

“People, there is a holiday between now and Christmas!”

“I don’t care what you think, my tree is going up tonight!”

“I’ve been listening to Christmas music since November 1st.”

Oh I could go on and on. And I will just assume since you are reading this, that you care what I think about all of this. (Okay, maybe I am giving myself too much credit and your browser is simply frozen.) But I will continue.

Thanksgiving OR Christmas?

Well, it’s easy … why not both!? (*insert a select audience cringing here*) Let me explain …

Okay, so way back in 1789, Thanksgiving was declared a day of “public thanksgiving and prayer”. Sure, now a days we throw in yummy things like turkey and mashed potatoes and jellied cranberry sauce, but the point of Thanksgiving is focused on prayer and gratitude. Duh. Not sharing anything new here.

Christmas on the other hand is a time to celebrate God’s great love for us – celebrating the birth of Christ and the fact that because of that, we all have the chance to live with renewed strength and joy knowing God has conquered all. (Okay, the ending of that sentence fast forwarded to Easter, but the birth was the start of such a beautiful love story for us.)

So when people get all up in arms about keeping these two separate, I don’t get it. First of all gratitude is something we need to have ALL year round, not just during November or on Thanksgiving. One of my favorite verse in the Bible is Philippians 4:6-7:  “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”

Did you catch that? Every prayer we pray should have gratitude included. Thank Him for all that He has done. So the spirit of Thanksgiving truly is one that we should have all year round.

Those of you who are Facebook friends with me know I have a Thankful album where I upload a photo each day of something I am thankful for. Hi, I am Chelsea and yes, I am guilty of flooding newsfeeds daily for almost 2 years now. But the reason for it all stems from this verse. Life is tough. It actually can suck sometimes. We are surrounded by things we don’t understand. Physical pain. Death. Divorce. Lost limbs and broken friendships. Miscarriages. Flippant words said to us from those we care about. Spilt milk. (Seemed appropriate, no?) When our hearts focus solely on what hurts, it sure is easy to dwell on the sadness of this broken world. (Trust me, uploading a “thankful” picture on a day when I just found out I am miscarrying, or after a call telling me my pregnancy isn’t viable, or I need surgery … well, it isn’t easy. But it makes me think about my blessings and it helps.)

But….when we flip the way we view things and see things through the eyes of gratitude, it becomes more bearable. It really does.

I read this powerful paragraph a few weeks ago and it has stuck with me: “Gratitude is important because it has the power to change our attitude. When we are willing to give thanks to God in all things, not just some things – to consciously thank Him even when we don’t feel very grateful – something in us begins to shift. We begin to see life as Christ sees it – full of opportunities rather than obstacles.”

It continues to say “If we aren’t grateful for what God has done in the past and in the present, we won’t have the faith to believe God for things in the future.”

I think about times when I have gifted someone something or extended kindness over and over again to never be thanked. Not that I do anything for a thank you, but my human mind goes “Really!?! Not even a text?!” It means something in this world to acknowledge someone’s kindness. It’s a good thing God doesn’t have the same kind of reaction as I do at times because He would be like “REALLY PEOPLE!!?!? I GAVE YOU BREATH THIS MORNING! YOU WOKE UP! IN A HOUSE! WITH FOOD! AND THE ABILITY TO SPEAK. AND YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO THANK ME FOR THIS!?!?”

Yikes. I just made an awkwardly convicted face at the coffee shop just writing that. Because there is SO much I don’t thank God for that I have.

Where am I going with all this? Oh yes …. Celebrating Christmas before Thanksgiving.

I think that if you have the heart of gratitude firmly rooted in your heart, its perfectly fine to set up your tree or listen to Madonna sing Santa Baby before the turkey has been served. Because gratitude is not about the day. It’s about the spirit.

And for some people, the holidays can be really hard. It may remind them of someone who won’t be at their Thanksgiving table this year. Or a reminder of the job they still don’t have and presents they still can’t afford. It may bring back painful memories of years past and they may carry sorrow for things they still ache for. And for some, the sight of a Christmas tree sitting in their house on November 14th may just make them smile and act as a reminder of the good memories. Or perhaps seeing the stocking hung by the chimney with care will bring out a spirit of even MORE gratitude as they reflect on how blessed they have to have stockings to hang.

So before we all go around judging one another’s reason for putting up the tree earlier or not listening to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving, let’s all stop and reflect on OURSELVES. Because quite frankly it doesn’t matter. What matters is what is in OUR hearts, not on others radios or in their homes.

Are you gracious – year round? Are you celebrating the joyous reminder that Christ was born a baby, in flesh, and came to save? Maybe just the tune of Jingle Bells or White Christmas makes your heart happy and reflect on your own joy. Whatever it is – let them celebrate. I promise, it will all be all right in the end. Granted, we may be a little tired of hearing “…there wont be snow in Africa this Christmas time …” in a few weeks but big picture, it’s okay. We are blessed. We are saved. Life goes on.

So, in the spirit of the holidays, I am making my very first bucket list. I figure this holiday season I don’t have to worry about things like shots and appointments and that feels very freeing! And I know that there will still be waves of emotion that ebb and flow so its my goal to focus on the good, the new, the laughs and the new memories to be created. So help me in creating my bucket list! Post a comment here, or on the post where you saw the link at (Facebook, Instagram, etc) and let me know something Josh and/or I should do this holiday season. Here is what I have come up with so far:

  • Try a Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks (I have never had a hot peppermint anything before!)
  • Put together a shoebox for Operation Christmas Child
  • Intentionally acknowledge bell ringers outside of stores instead of avoiding eye contact
  • Drive around aimlessly for at least 30 minutes looking at holiday lights
  • Recruit my sister to reenact a childhood Christmas photo
  • Try eggnog
  • Watch Elf, Christmas Story, National Lampoons Christmas Vacation and How the Grinch Stole Christmas with Josh
  • Go sledding (Its been YEARS)
  • Build a snowman. Perhaps a Cali sized one. I’m certain she would adore that.

I am missing a lot! So join in the fun in helping me set up a list, then follow along the next 6 weeks as I work to check things off!

I don’t have too much of a fertility update other than I am meeting with the naturopathic doctor tomorrow to get a game plan. I will be sure to include more on that appointment next time. Thanks for still including us in your prayers as we navigate this totally new road. So far the only change made has been going gluten free and its been going really well over the last few weeks. More changes to come I am sure, but it’s a start!

Now, go spread some cheer and share in the spirit of gratitude today! Merry Thanksgiving!

(Now that I have typed all this, I am a little anxious about opinionated reactions. Please remember to be kind and we each have the right to our own opinion. My personal blog is simply sharing my own. :))

it’s as simple as hope.

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Last Monday truly was such a difficult day for Josh and I. I think for the first time in a long time, we felt utterly hopeless. We expected our IVF journey to end much differently than it did. Throughout the last 10 months, we saw these tiny glimpses of hope and imagined this wonderful grand finale. And when that didn’t happen, our hearts felt crushed.

I think I can speak for us both when I say Monday and Tuesday were a depressing daze. We sat at the dinner table Monday looking at each other and for the first time Josh muttered the words “I just question if we ever are meant to have kids. Maybe we just need to move on and accept this.” My heart begged him and God for peace to try IVF just “one more time” and Josh shared that He didn’t feel it’s the path we should take. I prayed for the peace that it is what God wanted us to do, so I could trump Josh’s card with a “God says” one … and yet I felt the complete opposite of peace. I felt unsettled whenever I thought about starting over with another round, which was a 180 from where we were a few weeks prior.

Tuesday brought an immense grief that is difficult even now to reflect back on. I laid in bed weeping those tears that actually physically hurt because you can’t catch your breath and your body hurts from being grasped by sobs. The amount of grief I felt was overwhelming, as it had been stronger than what we had experienced in the past.

“Why am I so sad!?” I literally cried this out in my empty bedroom. (Cali gave me her signature head tilt like she was trying to understand so she could provide me an answer.) “Why does this hurt so badly? It actually feels like someone died.”  It’s true. I hadn’t even cried that hard at funeral or deaths.

Then the answer came to my head softly.

“You are grieving a part of you that has died – the part of you that had hope.”

Once those words entered my head, I knew it was true. Throughout all of this, I have always had hope. Hope for a happy ending. Hope for a pregnancy, hope for a child. Hope for God to be glorified and hope that our story would end in praises, not tears.

I was grieving my loss of hope.

As I laid there, I realized I felt like a shell of who I once was. The last 24 hours of pain took a toll on my heart and mind. Instead of accepting this outcome of this one cycle, I transformed it into the fact that we would NEVER have a child. That God would NEVER answer our prayers. That we were NEVER heard. That we had to accept this final answer.

But then I realized this didn’t have to be the final answer. And that we serve a God of eternal Hope. A God that surprises everyone when logic, reasoning, statistics and odds aren’t in their favor. Yes, we may feel like David facing the giant Goliath of infertility, but God is a God of beating the odds.

Within minutes, it felt like I had an optimistic breath breathed back into my soul – I literally envision hope-filled air bring breathed back into my empty lungs. I felt like I could breathe again.

Here’s the thing – Josh and I still feel strongly that God is saying that our IVF journey is over. And that’s been hard to accept because we have had our best odds and chances with IVF. We have tasted success and experiences more hope in a cycle doing IVF than we have in the 4 years prior. But its pretty clear to us both that’s not where we are being called. Perhaps we found too much peace in the statistics and the hope that the doctors brought us. Perhaps we felt secure knowing we had an embryo or two transferred and that this would be an easy miracle for God to work. But again, God is a God of miracles despite what circumstances or odds we alter for Him. Do I doubt for a minute that the 4 previous cycles where not where we were called? Not for a minute. I am certain that is where God wanted us. (I asked Him “why?” to this too and the words that were breathed into my ear were simply “I was making you relate-able.” How powerful is that?)

And in perfect God-timing, just as I was starting to realize no matter what, we still had God to hope in,  a friend texted me these words: The enemy wants you to lose hope…Let Gods light shine through this time and destroy the evil beings that want to kick you when you’re down. Send them running!!! It’s impossible for anything God touches to not be good. He has His hand on the both of you.

How powerful that was. It immediately made me realize how the devil had tricked us into believing that our hope was in IVF. Without it, we have nothing!  Our hearts cried. We will never have children! Woe is us! But isn’t that exactly what the devil wanted us to feel. He removed the verses from our hearts that said:

“So be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord!” Psalm 31:24

“We put our hope in the Lord. He is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone.”  Psalm 33:20-22

“And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.” Psalm 39:7

“You are my refuge and my shield; your word is my source of hope. Lord, sustain me as you promised, that I may live! Do not let my hope be crushed.” Psalm 119:114, 116

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29: 11-13

“For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?” Romans 8:24

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1

Need I continue? It’s OBVIOUS that our hope needs to be FIRMLY planted in HIM and not in anything else. And perhaps being completely stripped of the material treatments, medications, and plans will be exactly what He needs to get our attention 110% and whisper “Hope in ME.”

I of course still have the same diagnosis as earlier (PCOS) and know that in our human minds, getting pregnant naturally will be very difficult based on the one small factor of having extremely messed up hormones and, oh yea, that little problem of never ovulating. So Josh and I are open to trying some natural methods to try to get my body cleansed and perhaps use natural supplements and vitamins to increase our odds. We feel a lot of peace in our hearts that this is the route that we are meant to walk on at this time. And it’s tough! I don’t have an idea of what the future may hold.

As I was contemplating how I could perhaps talk with a natural doctor about what their thoughts were on my diagnosis and issues, I received an email from someone (a Godly mom of a coworker of a friend of ours … how’s that for a network coincidence?) who felt led to email us after reading our blog about a natural doctor that her family has seen and if we were willing to give it a try, would love to donate $1,000 to the treatment there.

Wow. Hello God, I am hearing you LOUD and CLEAR. And of course, because He is a God who we confirms our hearts, we began to receive many more messages that this was the path He was ordaining us to take without anyone knowing that was the direction He was placing.

Isn’t it amazing how He works? So we simply are going to step back and redirect our paths to simply allow God to work. We still feel like we are engaging interactively to do what we can to allow Him to work (natural supplements, diet adjustments, etc). and feel that He is blessing these steps we are taking. We know that this route may take us many more months or years but the peace He is providing is priceless.

I realize this is all getting long winded but a couple things before I close:

1) I am so thankful for the outpour of love, support and care we received this last week. Your texts, shared verses, and generous love meant a lot and spoke to us in ways I can’t even begin to share. So thank you.

2) Physically I am feeling okay. These last few days have been cramp-filled and physically brutal but I am having a good day and am thankful for Tylenol and heating pads. Each day from here should get easier.

3) I truly love engaging with my readers. I routinely get emails and messages from those of you joining in our story and love hearing more about you and your heart. I wanted to pause and take a moment to answer a question I received a few days ago from a follower, C. C shared her own person battle with infertility and shared how my blog has influenced her, but closed with a question I get often:

“I do have one question for you though that has been on my mind throughout this whole journey : How does one keep the faith in God? … I can’t help but ask myself every day why God is putting me through this. Doesn’t He see that I have more than enough on my plate? Doesn’t He see that I need a break, instead more and more keeps happening to me and my husband? I can’t seem to understand why He is doing this to me.”

I asked C if I could share and answer my thoughts to these questions on here and she kindly obliged.

My brain is complexly spinning trying to come up with the “right” words to say. I wrote a blog posting once about the greater purpose of waiting (which you can read here), but I don’t know that it will answer C’s question fully. But instead of trying to come up with the right answer, I can only share my heart.

The truth is C, that I simply don’t know every reason why God is allowing you (or any of us) to suffer with what you’re dealing with. This world we live in is a world marked with sin, evil and hardship. Throughout every single day we are all faced with disappointments, discouragements and pain as a result. But I do believe that despite that, God brings good out of these situations. I am learning that instead of focusing on the WHY, I should be pursing His heart and asking WHAT He wants to teach me through this.

How do I keep my faith in God? For me it’s simple. He has never left me. He has used my pain in ways that I would never imagine simply because I have given it over to Him with faith and trust that His ways are better than my ways. I had another reader send me the quote “”His rejection can be His protection.” I choose to believe that He isn’t taunting me or causing me pain for fun. In fact, it’s in these tough times that I feel Him closer to me, more than I have ever felt.

Sometimes I feel like He fills up our plate simply to bring us to the point where we shout out “I can’t carry this all anymore! I can’t handle this death. I can’t handle this failed cycle. I can’t handle this argument with my friend and this conflict at work!” And instead of turning to God and pointing the finger and saying “YOU DID THIS TO ME!”, He wants to say to you: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Mathew 11:28)

Why is He “doing” this to us? I don’t know exactly, but I do know He doesn’t want us to carry it alone. He wants to teach us to lean into Him. He wants to use our stories. He wants us to reflect and ask what we are learning as a result of this. Could I learn patience as a result of this dealing with infertility? Could this suffering motivate me to look at all I have and express gratitude for what I have been given, instead of what I haven’t? Am I able to develop compassion for others that I may not have seen or had a heart for before?

I am constantly asking God to show me ways that He wants to work in my sufferings. And I find that when I chose to respond to my pain with peace in Him as I trust Him, He fills my heart with even more of Him and gives me a purpose for my pain. The simple fact that we are able to have this conversation – that perhaps you are able to see more of Him in your hurt – makes my suffering and experiences worth it. Truly.

I could go on and on but I encourage each of you to look at your suffering and struggles as a way to see Him more clear. He’s there, waiting to show you more of Himself.

On that note I shall end. I have so much more in my heart to share but shall wait for another post. I will still of course keep up with my blog even though it will steer away from medical treatments and focus more on the next quieter phase of our journey. I hope you will still join me for what’s to come! I promise less sadness, more humorous stories and a few pictures of Cali. Ohhhh, I know you just can’t wait. Hehe!

lucado

Go with God Frostie.

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In the words of Tyrone Wells, “Momma always said that hate was a strong, strong word. Poppa always said that words of hate should never be heard. But I’m getting older and I just cannot lie, there are things I hate, no matter how hard I try.”

I hate infertility.

I hate waiting for THE call.

I hate hearing the words “Chelsea, I am sorry to tell you that you are not pregnant.”

I hate even though my heart knew, my body has a physical reaction to the words.

I hate saying goodbye to Frostie before I even got to say hello.

I hate the tears. And I hate that they continue to replenish, even when you are certain there can be no more left.

I hate feeling this hopeless.

I hate wondering if the power of prayer works.

I hate questioning why God is bringing us through this miserable journey, only to break our hearts over and over and over and over again.

I hate that I don’t think I can fight this anymore.

I hate that I feel like giving up. I hate that instead of continuing to walk through the fire, I want to lay on the floor and let it just destroy me already.

I hate that even though I know He has not forsaken us, I kind of feel like He has.

I hate that if we decide our hearts can handle this again, we have to come up with $20,000 and repeat the whole process again.

I hate that insurance doesn’t cover this. I hate that if I couldn’t breathe right, it would cover my nose job, or if I accidentally got pregnant, it would cover my abortion. Yet my insides are broken and they can’t even cover my blood work to figure out what might help.

I hate our den. It was supposed to be a nursery a long time ago.

I hate being strong. I hate being weak. I hate feeling crushed.

I hate feeling angry. So so angry. I hate feeling this confused. I hate crying out “why?”

I hate that I am already anxious about the Christmas card “Surprise! We are expecting!” announcements that seem to come in every year.

I hate that mature couples who should have a family will now feel bad about sending us said card, sharing their news.

I hate that my heart wants to be a mommy so bad and that no matter how hard I fight, no matter what we do, God hasn’t give us that life yet.

I hate the holidays. I hate that they are reminders of more and more years passing without children of our own to create memories with.

I hate that I miscarried on Christmas last year and now that day feels tainted. I hate that the song Frosty the Snowman will always bring back memories of this baby of ours.

I hate birthdays. I hate knowing everyone around me is growing older and older and my kids will never know THESE versions of them.

I hate disappointing the spirits of those around us. Family and friends that get so invested and have their hearts hurt with this news as well.

I hate feeling like God failed my expectations.

I hate that the sun is shining today.

I hate that there is no (legal) pill to take this pain away.

I hate that even though my heart will heal, it will never be the same again.

I hate that I know the “right” things to say to me right now, yet my heart is too broken to absorb it.

I hate that Cali won’t be around forever, thus I can’t just pretend like she is my forever child.

I hate making me people bad for me. I really just want to be a mom. I want to experience having my own child, raising them to love Jesus. Teaching them silly things. Loving them with everything we have.

I hate that people judge us for not adopting if we “really want a child that bad.”

I hate that my womb is broken. I hate how awful that feels.

I hate being defined by this. I hate never knowing what the future will hold. I hate that my life revolves/revolved about shots and timing, appointments and lists of dos and don’ts.

I hate that Miley Cyrus keeps sticking out her tongue.

I hate seeing people who don’t believe in the Giver of Life, be blessed with children. I hate opening my US Weekly only to see all these people in these sordid relationships, blessed with a baby.

I hate wondering if I am being punished for sins of my past, which then makes me doubt His forgiveness and mercy. I hate doubting His character.

I hate feeling sorry for myself when I know God’s gift of Jesus is all I really need.

I hate I can’t take a forgetfulness pill or have my memory of all of this erased.

I hate that Portillo’s is so far away, as an italian beef and cheese fries would be the perfect comfort food right now.

I hate that I can’t watch Josh as a daddy. He will be such an amazing dad. You should see him make children laugh and smile. I hate feeling guilty for not giving him children yet, even though he has never ever made me feel bad about that and constantly reassures me we are in this together.

I hate that I don’t have a job to distract myself with. I hate that He led me to quit in order to try to start our family.

I hate that as much as you try to empathize, unless you have been in our shoes, you’ll never really get it.

I hate that in hopeful spirits, I kept buying baby outfits. I hate having to hide them, knowing that I may never be able to use them.

I hate that I just don’t know what’s next for us.

I hate that my evening shots caused large numb spots on my thighs and butt.I hate that I have lost complete feeling about the side of a flattened basketball on my left side.

I hate being told “don’t give up.”

I hate that I can’t pray for myself right now.

But with all that hate, there are many things I am grateful for and I don’t want them to go unnoticed:

I am thankful that we were spared a miscarriage and potentially another blood level nightmare.

I am thankful that those who prayed for Frostie, will continue to pray for us now.

I am thankful that when I am sad, Cali won’t leave my side.

I am thankful that even when I am so angry, the radio songs still play songs of His praises and my lips can still form the words even if my voice is gone.

I am thankful that even as I type this, I feel Him with me.

I am thankful that regardless of my heartbreak, my soul still knows He is a good God. Experience has shown He is to be trusted, even though its so so hard.

I am thankful that I don’t have to question if it was something I did that resulted in a negative result. I know if it was meant to be, it would have been, regardless.

I am thankful that God knows every one of our embryos by name. All 20 that have been created, including those 7 which I was blessed enough to temporarily carry.

I am thankful in advance for your kind words and appreciate your understanding that I may not be able to reply for a while.

I am thankful for my husband. For my home. For our health. For our families. For our church. For my small group. For my TTC community.

I am thankful for music. It is a tender therapy and the words to “Praise You in the Storm” by Casting Crowns and “Even If” by Kutless will bring us much comfort in the time to come.

I am thankful that I can turn over my fear to Him and receive His perfect peace. Right now its me that needs to move closer to Him, He hasn’t left me.

I am thankful tonight I can take a sleeping pill and hopefully fall into a deep sleep to make up for the many sleepless nights lately.

I am thankful for the reminder that God doesn’t make us wait just to torture us. (Thank you Caroline for your blog post this morning, reminding me of that.)

I am thankful for soft tissues to soak up the tears.

This hurts. This hurts so badly. “How can you mend a broken heart.  How can you stop the rain from falling down? How can you stop the sun from shining? ….Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.”  I feel so weak. I want this all to just go away. Please, if you could, say a prayer for us. For healing, for guidance, for direction and for contentment in this season. For our Lord to come intimately close to us, and for us to draw close to Him so that we may feel His comfort and praise Him in this storm. We are done for a while. It’s time for a much needed break. More lost time but perhaps some answers to what our future may hold.

In the words of my last blog post, “Lord, please give me the assurance that you are present and capable of whatever our future holds. Amen.”

still good (1) still good (2)

love, loss and news.

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We prayed. We asked that God would put in our hearts what was next for us. I took several blood tests. All of which came back in proper ranges and negative for everything that could be concerning. Good news. We met with the doctor. “What should we do?”  She recommended doing another fresh cycle with a different protocol. “Because you only have one “C” embryo left, let’s do another fresh cycle and transfer the best embryos back. And hopefully add one more to your frozen embryo so you could do a 2-embryo transfer in the future.”  We prayed. We contemplated. We weighed our options. Yes, a fresh cycle with strong embryos sounded wonderful. But neither of us could forget about our little less-than-average embryo that was waiting for us. “Your odds of a pregnancy are much higher if we do another fresh cycle.” We kept hearing our doctors voice in our head. But both of our hearts felt called to our little frostie baby first.

So we made the decision. We were going to proceed with a frozen cycle based on the hopes that God had big plans in store for our last embryo – “Frostie”. Our doctor completely supported our decision. We made our consult appointment. We paid our bills. We scheduled our transfer for September 26th. I would be starting shots at the end of August. We knew without a doubt that this frozen transfer was the right decision. But we continued to pray for God’s timing to be displayed. Instead of praying for a sign that it was His time, this time I prayed that if it wasn’t His timing, that He would throw up a roadblock. A clear, can’t-miss-it sign that September 26th wasn’t meant to be the transfer date.

Later that same day we paid for the September 26th transfer, the call came in. “Your blood work went up.” Less than a week later I was canceling our September 26th transfer as we found out the D&C would be necessary.

I asked for a roadblock and I got one, clear as day. I was frustrated because I wanted God to be like “Yes of course this is My time! Go for it!”. My bags were packed for our cruise. We requested a fridge in the room to house my shots. My doctors note allowing me to travel with needles and such already packed in my carry on. And then the roadblock.

September 26th was not meant to be our transfer day.

I will never know why. But I sit now, weeks later, in complete awe at the simple answer to prayer that He created, especially when my will and wanting was so different.

Days passed. Then the nurse called. We were cleared to start our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) cycle again. My numbers were zero.

So we proceeded with starting. And again, praying, God, if this isn’t Your timing or Your will, please create a roadblock.

This FET would be different than all the other cycles in the past. I would be using different injections and high dosages to receive the estrogen I needed. I would be adding and changing other things as well. We had no idea if my body would respond to this. Truthfully, I think I anticipated my body not responding at all and that being my “roadblock”.

We (I) made the conscious decision not to share this cycle prep with anyone. (Josh respected and agreed to my request.) I was exhausted. I didn’t really want to think about the cycle. I wanted to wake up, give myself my shot, pop a pill and go about my day. Repeat at night. My mind couldn’t handle anyone asking me how I was. Updating people. Telling people “Yeah, the medicine didn’t work. The cycle has been cancelled.” I stood with my hot flashes, too stubborn to admit that the shots were to blame. I was too exhausted some days to get off the couch. I am sure people just thought I was insanely lazy. But still, I chugged on. It was beautiful not being defined by how I was feeling/doing by everyone I encountered. Yes, I know. Their intentions would have been wonderful. But my heart and brain just didn’t want to think or talk about it. At all. I felt like I got to be a “normal” person when really, if they had seen my stomach, they would have known by the bruises I wasn’t all that “normal”.

You see, for so many cycles I have relied upon YOUR support, your encouragement, your words to keep me going. But I felt God quietly whisper in my heart Let me be all the support you need. And so we marched forward, the future of if my body would be ready for a transfer unknown. Only Him knowing my specific needs each day.

We cleared the first appointment. My lining was thin, ovaries quiet. Then we added more meds. And waited, prayed, hoped. My heart so cautiously scared yet optimistic. I knew that if this transfer was meant to happen, then the medicine would work. My hormone levels would be as they should. My lining would be okay. And if not, another clear roadblock.

Last Friday I went into the clinic to hear the wonderful news that this protocol worked. My lining was ready and perfect. Now we just needed to take some blood work and check that pesky estrogen level. They like to see it between 200 – 400, but will cautiously take anything above 100. Last time I was a miserable 112. I had no idea what to expect. So imagine my pleasant surprise when the nurse called that afternoon and didn’t tell me “The cycle is cancelled.” But instead “Your levels are 391! We are set to move forward with the transfer.”

Praise God! Oh He is so good.

So what does all of this mean? It means I am EXCITED to share with you all that this Friday, Josh and I hope to have the God-given opportunity to transfer our last little embryo into its home for hopefully the next 9 months. I say hope to have because there is still one more big step between now and that moment of transfer – our little guy/girl has to survive being thawed. It’s a complete unknown if it will. We pray with every piece of our hearts that it does. But we will not find out if it made it until we get to the clinic Friday morning. The emotions thinking about that possible joy or heartbreak is overwhelming.

So – surprise! For the last 30+ days, my days have included many shots. If I have broken out in a sweat around you or looked a painful color of gray, it was because of the shots combined with the lack of sleep.

 A tiny look at my secret life lately.

A tiny look at my secret life lately.

So PLEASE join us in praying for:

  1. The thawing of our embryo.
  2. The transfer itself to go smoothly.
  3. That this is IT.

Today also marks a special day in our journey as it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Throughout this journey, Josh and I have had little ones join our Father earlier than we would have liked. It’s interesting, for those who have lost a spouse, the word “widow” is given. For those who lost a parents, the word “orphan” is used. For those who have lost a child – well, too often it simply goes unsaid.

preg loss

“Unless you wear a T-shirt emblazoned with your children’s names or tattoo them on your wrist, you rarely speak their names aloud no matter how much you need or want to tell others. And for women who have struggled with pregnancy loss, there seems even less place to mention the love they feel for babies they will never have.” (NY Times article today)

So today is the day we remember. Today is the day not to be ashamed of the sadness you have felt. In fact, on this day, there will be a “wave of light” spread throughout the world. From 7 pm – 8 pm in each time zone in every part of the world, candles will be lit to remember those babies who have been lost. So please, I ask, if you are home tonight, even if its not at 7:00, please lit a candle for those who have lost their precious babies. It’s not an image that will likely ever be seen but the significance is incredibly touching and moving.

(Great, now I am crying at Starbucks. Yes sir, the one watching me, if you have a Kleenex to share, that would be great.)

I saw this photo on Instagram earlier today and it touched my heart so much.

hold them

What would God say to my little one about me? As I pondered that today, I couldn’t help but pray, with all my heart, that it is something similar to the song I had been listening to ironically at the same time:

May Your love cause us to open up, cause us to open up our hearts.

May Your life cause us to shine so bright that we bring hope into the dark.

Great is the courage to give as You’re calling.

Make me an instrument of Your peace.

May we love as You love.

I hope that I am living a life that causes God to whisper, “Look at your Mom. Her heart is open. She is shining so bright. She is bringing hope into the darkness around her. She is brave. Aren’t we so proud of her?

(That may have been the hardest sentence and image to imagine and type. More tears.)

So as we move forward, join us with confidence as we trust whatever God has planned for us. Perhaps another roadblock. Perhaps a glorious ending to this present suffering. Perhaps another lesson learned. A heart more dependent on Him. The possibilities are endless. And we are jumping in wholeheartedly.

Now off to find some tissues.

confident