Category: Miscarriage

the list. and more.

25 Comments

I have a confession to make. I am not a good singer. In fact, if there was any talent I wish I had, it would be to be a good singer. BUT, there is something about Baby, It’s Cold Outside that turns me into a professional singer. My voice becomes that of an angel and I am certain that if Cali could sing, she would join me in the duet so that I didn’t have to attempt to sing both the male and female parts. All I Want for Christmas is You by Mariah Carey is a close second for my angelic voice trophy but I am still working on one note. But you will be the first to hear about my victory when that miracle happens.

I had SO much fun reading so many amazing ideas for my holiday bucket list. In fact my first draft of the bucket list included about 43 items which ended up seeming a little extreme, especially for a first attempt at a bucket list (and given that Christmas is, um, well, just a little over a month away.) So I have narrowed it down and am excited to debut its final version:

  • Put together a shoebox for Operation Christmas Child
  • Volunteer at an organization over the holidays
  • Intentionally acknowledge bell ringers outside of stores instead of avoiding eye contact
  • Drive around aimlessly for at least 30 minutes looking at holiday lights
  • Recruit my sister to reenact a childhood Christmas photo
  • Try eggnog
  • Watch Elf, Christmas Story, National Lampoons Christmas Vacation and How the Grinch Stole Christmas with Josh
  • Go sledding
  • Build a snowman. Perhaps a Cali sized one.
  • Make a snow angel
  • Go ice skating at the Depot in downtown Minneapolis
  • Attend a Christmas concert of some sort, whether its at a local church or in a stadium
  • Buy new pajamas for Christmas morning. (Extra points if I match my sister)
  • Pay for someone’s meal/drink behind me in a drive thru
  • Look at stars with Josh on a cold, snowy night
  • Visit a live nativity scene
  • Visit a house that has a live music/light show
  • Try a Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks

Two traditions we have in our family will continue – Josh and I always buy each other an ornament every year and our family makes gingerbread houses together. Well, my sister and Josh have a creative house making contest while I take on the role of the Iron Chef Chairman (complete with secret ingredients), my mom becomes the commentator (complete with a paper towel role microphone) and my dad, well, he passively helps with scoring, even though both of them always get 10’s in every category. I am excited for these traditions to continue!

Ok, enough about Christmas. I do realize it’s still only November 20th. For those of you who are interested in an update on our fertility treatments, here you go.

So three weeks ago I visited a chiropractic doctor who also has strong naturopathic experience. Preliminary testing using Applied Kinesiology (which uses bioenergetic feedback through testing the strength of various muscles in the body … I know, big words) helped to assess my state of health.  What was scary and fascinating was that without me telling him what was “wrong with me”, was that my body showed him. I’m going to be honest, it creeped me out a little bit. I bought my paperwork in with me so I know he didn’t cheat and look ahead of time, and he basically asked right away if I had issues with estrogen based on a few indicators, both physically looking at my eyes and through this muscle testing. It seems SO weird that my body could tell him that without him knowing … but I left that appointment feeling encouraged that he seemed sane, educated and knowledgeable.

The next week I went back for urine, blood and saliva testing that would provide him with more information on what was going on in my body. I was able to look at my blood cells and compare them to books and charts – I saw my lab results and saw areas where the numbers were extremely out of range. Essentially what I learned is that my infection levels in my blood were extremely high. And my estrogen toxicity levels came back off the charts high. A long conversation made short, what he shared is that he felt (and what the data supported) is that I likely have a parasite (a strong bug not killed by antibiotics) in my body (intestines to be specific) that is pulling certain parts of my healthy estrogen hormones out, leaving it unbalanced and then as it gets reprocessed, turning it toxic. My own research has supported that this is indeed possible. And it makes sense. My estrogen levels have always been so weird (he shared this conclusion before he knew my history with my estrogen issues) and also, this toxic estrogen can cause a progesterone aid to become toxic as well. (Which also has been a big issue when I am pregnant, I can’t get my progesterone high enough to support the pregnancy.) Basically he said that if we can kill the parasite using herbs and a detox diet, we can begin to have my body reroute how my estrogen is processed and composed in my body. Hey, its worth a shot, right?

I know, it sounds a little “quackish”. I have to admit I was skeptical as well. It all sounded too good to be true. BUT, without sharing my hours of time with him and all my personal medical history and other “issues”, the diagnosis does make sense to me. And is worth trying. If anything, I become healthier and hopefully clear up this infection. So since I am more prone to having insulin resistance (a common issue with PCOS), I am currently on a no/low carb diet, continuing to be gluten free and extremely cautious about my sugar intake.

So how’s that going for me? Um, well, it kind of sucks. Changing my diet is extremely hard but is something I know will be good in the long run, regardless of whether it increases my fertility or not. I have to laugh, if I would have written this blog on Friday it would have sounded something like “I hate my life. I hate not eating carbs. I hate these herbs. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want a baby. I would rather jump off a cliff than do this one more day.” But thankfully the carb/sugar withdrawals are improving and I no longer feel as if I want to throw myself into a pit of lions when someone mentions bread. Baby steps right?

Its funny (sort of, in a non ha-ha sort of way) that this journey would lead me to a path that involves self discipline. Something I suck at. (Stink at. Sorry Mom.) I truly would rather give myself a million shots a day than pass up a french dip sandwich or order of French fries. (Ohhh, French fries. Dangit.) It’s SO hard for me to exert willpower with things I don’t like or want to do. The only thing keeping me going is trusting that God has put me on this path for a reason and remembering that I am more than capable of resisting the temptation of devouring a bag of potato chips or guzzling sweet tea. Any extra prayers you can send my way as I continue to battle myself and develop healthier habits would be great!

Self discipline ... I repeat this verse often. I HAVE this, I just have to develop this ....

Self discipline … I repeat this verse often. I HAVE this, I just have to develop this ….

I was nearly in tears earlier today as I read Jesus’ prayer in Matthew 26. “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” I tend to pray often “Let this cup of suffering be taken from me! Answer our prayers. Hear my cries. Bless us with a child.” But it is SO hard to pray the last part of Jesus’ prayer … “Yet I want your will to be done … not mine.” The Message version of the Bible says He prayed ““My Father, if there is any way, get me out of this. But please, not what I want. You, what do You want?” I pray that God gives me the strength to pray Lord, what do YOU want? The great blessing in this prayer is that regardless of what He answers, we can trust His character, His goodness, His love. I may not always understand His methods or reasonings, but I can always trust that He is acting with purpose. Even when it hurts. I wish He moved according to my schedule and my plan. But when He doesn’t (and I find He rarely does), its our ability to tap into His strength that keeps us going. And when He finally does answer a request, I am always astonished and amazed at how much better His answer was then the one I was asking for.

“Though Jesus knows our triumphant outcomes, though He sees the joyful ending just around the bend, He still gets down in the middle of our sorrows and holds us close, mingling His tears with our own.” There is an ending to our story. And we trust that He is working even when the journey seems long. I am putting all my trust in the fact that He WILL provide us with a triumphant outcome and that He will be glorified in the end. My story is not my own.

So as I moved forward with this new path, combing his herbs to cleanse and detox with my own researched herbs to attempt to help my body ovulate (Maca Root, Royal Jelly, and Vitex fruit for my TTC interested friends …), I am trusting that this is all part of His will. Even if it’s realllllly hard right now.

Some of the vitamins I am taking ... I am supposed to get through all of these in ONE month. Gulp! Literally ... I feel like I am taking pills and drinking water alllll the time.

Some of the vitamins I am taking … I am supposed to get through all of these in ONE month. Gulp! Literally … I feel like I am taking pills and drinking water alllll the time.

Oh! And good news! Knowing the cleanse was approaching, I dove into my bucket list a little early and enjoyed a Peppermint Mocha with my sister. And man, it was delicious. So I have one item off my bucket list!

Try a Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks

Trying a Peppermint Mocha .... CHECK!

Trying a Peppermint Mocha …. CHECK!

I will keep you guys updated with pictures and stories on how things are going with that. As always, I am so thankful for your support, prayers and shared hope for us and what is to come.

Never give up!

Never give up!

thanksgiving BEFORE christmas!?!!?

20 Comments

Which came first?

The chicken or the egg?

The phoenix or the flame? (any HP friends of mine get that reference?)

Thanksgiving or Christmas?

I can’t help but chuckle at the very opinionated posts I am seeing all over social media these days. You know the ones …

“Why is Target playing Christmas music!?! It’s only November!”

“People, there is a holiday between now and Christmas!”

“I don’t care what you think, my tree is going up tonight!”

“I’ve been listening to Christmas music since November 1st.”

Oh I could go on and on. And I will just assume since you are reading this, that you care what I think about all of this. (Okay, maybe I am giving myself too much credit and your browser is simply frozen.) But I will continue.

Thanksgiving OR Christmas?

Well, it’s easy … why not both!? (*insert a select audience cringing here*) Let me explain …

Okay, so way back in 1789, Thanksgiving was declared a day of “public thanksgiving and prayer”. Sure, now a days we throw in yummy things like turkey and mashed potatoes and jellied cranberry sauce, but the point of Thanksgiving is focused on prayer and gratitude. Duh. Not sharing anything new here.

Christmas on the other hand is a time to celebrate God’s great love for us – celebrating the birth of Christ and the fact that because of that, we all have the chance to live with renewed strength and joy knowing God has conquered all. (Okay, the ending of that sentence fast forwarded to Easter, but the birth was the start of such a beautiful love story for us.)

So when people get all up in arms about keeping these two separate, I don’t get it. First of all gratitude is something we need to have ALL year round, not just during November or on Thanksgiving. One of my favorite verse in the Bible is Philippians 4:6-7:  “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”

Did you catch that? Every prayer we pray should have gratitude included. Thank Him for all that He has done. So the spirit of Thanksgiving truly is one that we should have all year round.

Those of you who are Facebook friends with me know I have a Thankful album where I upload a photo each day of something I am thankful for. Hi, I am Chelsea and yes, I am guilty of flooding newsfeeds daily for almost 2 years now. But the reason for it all stems from this verse. Life is tough. It actually can suck sometimes. We are surrounded by things we don’t understand. Physical pain. Death. Divorce. Lost limbs and broken friendships. Miscarriages. Flippant words said to us from those we care about. Spilt milk. (Seemed appropriate, no?) When our hearts focus solely on what hurts, it sure is easy to dwell on the sadness of this broken world. (Trust me, uploading a “thankful” picture on a day when I just found out I am miscarrying, or after a call telling me my pregnancy isn’t viable, or I need surgery … well, it isn’t easy. But it makes me think about my blessings and it helps.)

But….when we flip the way we view things and see things through the eyes of gratitude, it becomes more bearable. It really does.

I read this powerful paragraph a few weeks ago and it has stuck with me: “Gratitude is important because it has the power to change our attitude. When we are willing to give thanks to God in all things, not just some things – to consciously thank Him even when we don’t feel very grateful – something in us begins to shift. We begin to see life as Christ sees it – full of opportunities rather than obstacles.”

It continues to say “If we aren’t grateful for what God has done in the past and in the present, we won’t have the faith to believe God for things in the future.”

I think about times when I have gifted someone something or extended kindness over and over again to never be thanked. Not that I do anything for a thank you, but my human mind goes “Really!?! Not even a text?!” It means something in this world to acknowledge someone’s kindness. It’s a good thing God doesn’t have the same kind of reaction as I do at times because He would be like “REALLY PEOPLE!!?!? I GAVE YOU BREATH THIS MORNING! YOU WOKE UP! IN A HOUSE! WITH FOOD! AND THE ABILITY TO SPEAK. AND YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO THANK ME FOR THIS!?!?”

Yikes. I just made an awkwardly convicted face at the coffee shop just writing that. Because there is SO much I don’t thank God for that I have.

Where am I going with all this? Oh yes …. Celebrating Christmas before Thanksgiving.

I think that if you have the heart of gratitude firmly rooted in your heart, its perfectly fine to set up your tree or listen to Madonna sing Santa Baby before the turkey has been served. Because gratitude is not about the day. It’s about the spirit.

And for some people, the holidays can be really hard. It may remind them of someone who won’t be at their Thanksgiving table this year. Or a reminder of the job they still don’t have and presents they still can’t afford. It may bring back painful memories of years past and they may carry sorrow for things they still ache for. And for some, the sight of a Christmas tree sitting in their house on November 14th may just make them smile and act as a reminder of the good memories. Or perhaps seeing the stocking hung by the chimney with care will bring out a spirit of even MORE gratitude as they reflect on how blessed they have to have stockings to hang.

So before we all go around judging one another’s reason for putting up the tree earlier or not listening to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving, let’s all stop and reflect on OURSELVES. Because quite frankly it doesn’t matter. What matters is what is in OUR hearts, not on others radios or in their homes.

Are you gracious – year round? Are you celebrating the joyous reminder that Christ was born a baby, in flesh, and came to save? Maybe just the tune of Jingle Bells or White Christmas makes your heart happy and reflect on your own joy. Whatever it is – let them celebrate. I promise, it will all be all right in the end. Granted, we may be a little tired of hearing “…there wont be snow in Africa this Christmas time …” in a few weeks but big picture, it’s okay. We are blessed. We are saved. Life goes on.

So, in the spirit of the holidays, I am making my very first bucket list. I figure this holiday season I don’t have to worry about things like shots and appointments and that feels very freeing! And I know that there will still be waves of emotion that ebb and flow so its my goal to focus on the good, the new, the laughs and the new memories to be created. So help me in creating my bucket list! Post a comment here, or on the post where you saw the link at (Facebook, Instagram, etc) and let me know something Josh and/or I should do this holiday season. Here is what I have come up with so far:

  • Try a Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks (I have never had a hot peppermint anything before!)
  • Put together a shoebox for Operation Christmas Child
  • Intentionally acknowledge bell ringers outside of stores instead of avoiding eye contact
  • Drive around aimlessly for at least 30 minutes looking at holiday lights
  • Recruit my sister to reenact a childhood Christmas photo
  • Try eggnog
  • Watch Elf, Christmas Story, National Lampoons Christmas Vacation and How the Grinch Stole Christmas with Josh
  • Go sledding (Its been YEARS)
  • Build a snowman. Perhaps a Cali sized one. I’m certain she would adore that.

I am missing a lot! So join in the fun in helping me set up a list, then follow along the next 6 weeks as I work to check things off!

I don’t have too much of a fertility update other than I am meeting with the naturopathic doctor tomorrow to get a game plan. I will be sure to include more on that appointment next time. Thanks for still including us in your prayers as we navigate this totally new road. So far the only change made has been going gluten free and its been going really well over the last few weeks. More changes to come I am sure, but it’s a start!

Now, go spread some cheer and share in the spirit of gratitude today! Merry Thanksgiving!

(Now that I have typed all this, I am a little anxious about opinionated reactions. Please remember to be kind and we each have the right to our own opinion. My personal blog is simply sharing my own. :))

it’s as simple as hope.

19 Comments

Last Monday truly was such a difficult day for Josh and I. I think for the first time in a long time, we felt utterly hopeless. We expected our IVF journey to end much differently than it did. Throughout the last 10 months, we saw these tiny glimpses of hope and imagined this wonderful grand finale. And when that didn’t happen, our hearts felt crushed.

I think I can speak for us both when I say Monday and Tuesday were a depressing daze. We sat at the dinner table Monday looking at each other and for the first time Josh muttered the words “I just question if we ever are meant to have kids. Maybe we just need to move on and accept this.” My heart begged him and God for peace to try IVF just “one more time” and Josh shared that He didn’t feel it’s the path we should take. I prayed for the peace that it is what God wanted us to do, so I could trump Josh’s card with a “God says” one … and yet I felt the complete opposite of peace. I felt unsettled whenever I thought about starting over with another round, which was a 180 from where we were a few weeks prior.

Tuesday brought an immense grief that is difficult even now to reflect back on. I laid in bed weeping those tears that actually physically hurt because you can’t catch your breath and your body hurts from being grasped by sobs. The amount of grief I felt was overwhelming, as it had been stronger than what we had experienced in the past.

“Why am I so sad!?” I literally cried this out in my empty bedroom. (Cali gave me her signature head tilt like she was trying to understand so she could provide me an answer.) “Why does this hurt so badly? It actually feels like someone died.”  It’s true. I hadn’t even cried that hard at funeral or deaths.

Then the answer came to my head softly.

“You are grieving a part of you that has died – the part of you that had hope.”

Once those words entered my head, I knew it was true. Throughout all of this, I have always had hope. Hope for a happy ending. Hope for a pregnancy, hope for a child. Hope for God to be glorified and hope that our story would end in praises, not tears.

I was grieving my loss of hope.

As I laid there, I realized I felt like a shell of who I once was. The last 24 hours of pain took a toll on my heart and mind. Instead of accepting this outcome of this one cycle, I transformed it into the fact that we would NEVER have a child. That God would NEVER answer our prayers. That we were NEVER heard. That we had to accept this final answer.

But then I realized this didn’t have to be the final answer. And that we serve a God of eternal Hope. A God that surprises everyone when logic, reasoning, statistics and odds aren’t in their favor. Yes, we may feel like David facing the giant Goliath of infertility, but God is a God of beating the odds.

Within minutes, it felt like I had an optimistic breath breathed back into my soul – I literally envision hope-filled air bring breathed back into my empty lungs. I felt like I could breathe again.

Here’s the thing – Josh and I still feel strongly that God is saying that our IVF journey is over. And that’s been hard to accept because we have had our best odds and chances with IVF. We have tasted success and experiences more hope in a cycle doing IVF than we have in the 4 years prior. But its pretty clear to us both that’s not where we are being called. Perhaps we found too much peace in the statistics and the hope that the doctors brought us. Perhaps we felt secure knowing we had an embryo or two transferred and that this would be an easy miracle for God to work. But again, God is a God of miracles despite what circumstances or odds we alter for Him. Do I doubt for a minute that the 4 previous cycles where not where we were called? Not for a minute. I am certain that is where God wanted us. (I asked Him “why?” to this too and the words that were breathed into my ear were simply “I was making you relate-able.” How powerful is that?)

And in perfect God-timing, just as I was starting to realize no matter what, we still had God to hope in,  a friend texted me these words: The enemy wants you to lose hope…Let Gods light shine through this time and destroy the evil beings that want to kick you when you’re down. Send them running!!! It’s impossible for anything God touches to not be good. He has His hand on the both of you.

How powerful that was. It immediately made me realize how the devil had tricked us into believing that our hope was in IVF. Without it, we have nothing!  Our hearts cried. We will never have children! Woe is us! But isn’t that exactly what the devil wanted us to feel. He removed the verses from our hearts that said:

“So be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord!” Psalm 31:24

“We put our hope in the Lord. He is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone.”  Psalm 33:20-22

“And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.” Psalm 39:7

“You are my refuge and my shield; your word is my source of hope. Lord, sustain me as you promised, that I may live! Do not let my hope be crushed.” Psalm 119:114, 116

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29: 11-13

“For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?” Romans 8:24

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1

Need I continue? It’s OBVIOUS that our hope needs to be FIRMLY planted in HIM and not in anything else. And perhaps being completely stripped of the material treatments, medications, and plans will be exactly what He needs to get our attention 110% and whisper “Hope in ME.”

I of course still have the same diagnosis as earlier (PCOS) and know that in our human minds, getting pregnant naturally will be very difficult based on the one small factor of having extremely messed up hormones and, oh yea, that little problem of never ovulating. So Josh and I are open to trying some natural methods to try to get my body cleansed and perhaps use natural supplements and vitamins to increase our odds. We feel a lot of peace in our hearts that this is the route that we are meant to walk on at this time. And it’s tough! I don’t have an idea of what the future may hold.

As I was contemplating how I could perhaps talk with a natural doctor about what their thoughts were on my diagnosis and issues, I received an email from someone (a Godly mom of a coworker of a friend of ours … how’s that for a network coincidence?) who felt led to email us after reading our blog about a natural doctor that her family has seen and if we were willing to give it a try, would love to donate $1,000 to the treatment there.

Wow. Hello God, I am hearing you LOUD and CLEAR. And of course, because He is a God who we confirms our hearts, we began to receive many more messages that this was the path He was ordaining us to take without anyone knowing that was the direction He was placing.

Isn’t it amazing how He works? So we simply are going to step back and redirect our paths to simply allow God to work. We still feel like we are engaging interactively to do what we can to allow Him to work (natural supplements, diet adjustments, etc). and feel that He is blessing these steps we are taking. We know that this route may take us many more months or years but the peace He is providing is priceless.

I realize this is all getting long winded but a couple things before I close:

1) I am so thankful for the outpour of love, support and care we received this last week. Your texts, shared verses, and generous love meant a lot and spoke to us in ways I can’t even begin to share. So thank you.

2) Physically I am feeling okay. These last few days have been cramp-filled and physically brutal but I am having a good day and am thankful for Tylenol and heating pads. Each day from here should get easier.

3) I truly love engaging with my readers. I routinely get emails and messages from those of you joining in our story and love hearing more about you and your heart. I wanted to pause and take a moment to answer a question I received a few days ago from a follower, C. C shared her own person battle with infertility and shared how my blog has influenced her, but closed with a question I get often:

“I do have one question for you though that has been on my mind throughout this whole journey : How does one keep the faith in God? … I can’t help but ask myself every day why God is putting me through this. Doesn’t He see that I have more than enough on my plate? Doesn’t He see that I need a break, instead more and more keeps happening to me and my husband? I can’t seem to understand why He is doing this to me.”

I asked C if I could share and answer my thoughts to these questions on here and she kindly obliged.

My brain is complexly spinning trying to come up with the “right” words to say. I wrote a blog posting once about the greater purpose of waiting (which you can read here), but I don’t know that it will answer C’s question fully. But instead of trying to come up with the right answer, I can only share my heart.

The truth is C, that I simply don’t know every reason why God is allowing you (or any of us) to suffer with what you’re dealing with. This world we live in is a world marked with sin, evil and hardship. Throughout every single day we are all faced with disappointments, discouragements and pain as a result. But I do believe that despite that, God brings good out of these situations. I am learning that instead of focusing on the WHY, I should be pursing His heart and asking WHAT He wants to teach me through this.

How do I keep my faith in God? For me it’s simple. He has never left me. He has used my pain in ways that I would never imagine simply because I have given it over to Him with faith and trust that His ways are better than my ways. I had another reader send me the quote “”His rejection can be His protection.” I choose to believe that He isn’t taunting me or causing me pain for fun. In fact, it’s in these tough times that I feel Him closer to me, more than I have ever felt.

Sometimes I feel like He fills up our plate simply to bring us to the point where we shout out “I can’t carry this all anymore! I can’t handle this death. I can’t handle this failed cycle. I can’t handle this argument with my friend and this conflict at work!” And instead of turning to God and pointing the finger and saying “YOU DID THIS TO ME!”, He wants to say to you: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Mathew 11:28)

Why is He “doing” this to us? I don’t know exactly, but I do know He doesn’t want us to carry it alone. He wants to teach us to lean into Him. He wants to use our stories. He wants us to reflect and ask what we are learning as a result of this. Could I learn patience as a result of this dealing with infertility? Could this suffering motivate me to look at all I have and express gratitude for what I have been given, instead of what I haven’t? Am I able to develop compassion for others that I may not have seen or had a heart for before?

I am constantly asking God to show me ways that He wants to work in my sufferings. And I find that when I chose to respond to my pain with peace in Him as I trust Him, He fills my heart with even more of Him and gives me a purpose for my pain. The simple fact that we are able to have this conversation – that perhaps you are able to see more of Him in your hurt – makes my suffering and experiences worth it. Truly.

I could go on and on but I encourage each of you to look at your suffering and struggles as a way to see Him more clear. He’s there, waiting to show you more of Himself.

On that note I shall end. I have so much more in my heart to share but shall wait for another post. I will still of course keep up with my blog even though it will steer away from medical treatments and focus more on the next quieter phase of our journey. I hope you will still join me for what’s to come! I promise less sadness, more humorous stories and a few pictures of Cali. Ohhhh, I know you just can’t wait. Hehe!

lucado

Go with God Frostie.

41 Comments

In the words of Tyrone Wells, “Momma always said that hate was a strong, strong word. Poppa always said that words of hate should never be heard. But I’m getting older and I just cannot lie, there are things I hate, no matter how hard I try.”

I hate infertility.

I hate waiting for THE call.

I hate hearing the words “Chelsea, I am sorry to tell you that you are not pregnant.”

I hate even though my heart knew, my body has a physical reaction to the words.

I hate saying goodbye to Frostie before I even got to say hello.

I hate the tears. And I hate that they continue to replenish, even when you are certain there can be no more left.

I hate feeling this hopeless.

I hate wondering if the power of prayer works.

I hate questioning why God is bringing us through this miserable journey, only to break our hearts over and over and over and over again.

I hate that I don’t think I can fight this anymore.

I hate that I feel like giving up. I hate that instead of continuing to walk through the fire, I want to lay on the floor and let it just destroy me already.

I hate that even though I know He has not forsaken us, I kind of feel like He has.

I hate that if we decide our hearts can handle this again, we have to come up with $20,000 and repeat the whole process again.

I hate that insurance doesn’t cover this. I hate that if I couldn’t breathe right, it would cover my nose job, or if I accidentally got pregnant, it would cover my abortion. Yet my insides are broken and they can’t even cover my blood work to figure out what might help.

I hate our den. It was supposed to be a nursery a long time ago.

I hate being strong. I hate being weak. I hate feeling crushed.

I hate feeling angry. So so angry. I hate feeling this confused. I hate crying out “why?”

I hate that I am already anxious about the Christmas card “Surprise! We are expecting!” announcements that seem to come in every year.

I hate that mature couples who should have a family will now feel bad about sending us said card, sharing their news.

I hate that my heart wants to be a mommy so bad and that no matter how hard I fight, no matter what we do, God hasn’t give us that life yet.

I hate the holidays. I hate that they are reminders of more and more years passing without children of our own to create memories with.

I hate that I miscarried on Christmas last year and now that day feels tainted. I hate that the song Frosty the Snowman will always bring back memories of this baby of ours.

I hate birthdays. I hate knowing everyone around me is growing older and older and my kids will never know THESE versions of them.

I hate disappointing the spirits of those around us. Family and friends that get so invested and have their hearts hurt with this news as well.

I hate feeling like God failed my expectations.

I hate that the sun is shining today.

I hate that there is no (legal) pill to take this pain away.

I hate that even though my heart will heal, it will never be the same again.

I hate that I know the “right” things to say to me right now, yet my heart is too broken to absorb it.

I hate that Cali won’t be around forever, thus I can’t just pretend like she is my forever child.

I hate making me people bad for me. I really just want to be a mom. I want to experience having my own child, raising them to love Jesus. Teaching them silly things. Loving them with everything we have.

I hate that people judge us for not adopting if we “really want a child that bad.”

I hate that my womb is broken. I hate how awful that feels.

I hate being defined by this. I hate never knowing what the future will hold. I hate that my life revolves/revolved about shots and timing, appointments and lists of dos and don’ts.

I hate that Miley Cyrus keeps sticking out her tongue.

I hate seeing people who don’t believe in the Giver of Life, be blessed with children. I hate opening my US Weekly only to see all these people in these sordid relationships, blessed with a baby.

I hate wondering if I am being punished for sins of my past, which then makes me doubt His forgiveness and mercy. I hate doubting His character.

I hate feeling sorry for myself when I know God’s gift of Jesus is all I really need.

I hate I can’t take a forgetfulness pill or have my memory of all of this erased.

I hate that Portillo’s is so far away, as an italian beef and cheese fries would be the perfect comfort food right now.

I hate that I can’t watch Josh as a daddy. He will be such an amazing dad. You should see him make children laugh and smile. I hate feeling guilty for not giving him children yet, even though he has never ever made me feel bad about that and constantly reassures me we are in this together.

I hate that I don’t have a job to distract myself with. I hate that He led me to quit in order to try to start our family.

I hate that as much as you try to empathize, unless you have been in our shoes, you’ll never really get it.

I hate that in hopeful spirits, I kept buying baby outfits. I hate having to hide them, knowing that I may never be able to use them.

I hate that I just don’t know what’s next for us.

I hate that my evening shots caused large numb spots on my thighs and butt.I hate that I have lost complete feeling about the side of a flattened basketball on my left side.

I hate being told “don’t give up.”

I hate that I can’t pray for myself right now.

But with all that hate, there are many things I am grateful for and I don’t want them to go unnoticed:

I am thankful that we were spared a miscarriage and potentially another blood level nightmare.

I am thankful that those who prayed for Frostie, will continue to pray for us now.

I am thankful that when I am sad, Cali won’t leave my side.

I am thankful that even when I am so angry, the radio songs still play songs of His praises and my lips can still form the words even if my voice is gone.

I am thankful that even as I type this, I feel Him with me.

I am thankful that regardless of my heartbreak, my soul still knows He is a good God. Experience has shown He is to be trusted, even though its so so hard.

I am thankful that I don’t have to question if it was something I did that resulted in a negative result. I know if it was meant to be, it would have been, regardless.

I am thankful that God knows every one of our embryos by name. All 20 that have been created, including those 7 which I was blessed enough to temporarily carry.

I am thankful in advance for your kind words and appreciate your understanding that I may not be able to reply for a while.

I am thankful for my husband. For my home. For our health. For our families. For our church. For my small group. For my TTC community.

I am thankful for music. It is a tender therapy and the words to “Praise You in the Storm” by Casting Crowns and “Even If” by Kutless will bring us much comfort in the time to come.

I am thankful that I can turn over my fear to Him and receive His perfect peace. Right now its me that needs to move closer to Him, He hasn’t left me.

I am thankful tonight I can take a sleeping pill and hopefully fall into a deep sleep to make up for the many sleepless nights lately.

I am thankful for the reminder that God doesn’t make us wait just to torture us. (Thank you Caroline for your blog post this morning, reminding me of that.)

I am thankful for soft tissues to soak up the tears.

This hurts. This hurts so badly. “How can you mend a broken heart.  How can you stop the rain from falling down? How can you stop the sun from shining? ….Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.”  I feel so weak. I want this all to just go away. Please, if you could, say a prayer for us. For healing, for guidance, for direction and for contentment in this season. For our Lord to come intimately close to us, and for us to draw close to Him so that we may feel His comfort and praise Him in this storm. We are done for a while. It’s time for a much needed break. More lost time but perhaps some answers to what our future may hold.

In the words of my last blog post, “Lord, please give me the assurance that you are present and capable of whatever our future holds. Amen.”

still good (1) still good (2)

love, loss and news.

30 Comments

We prayed. We asked that God would put in our hearts what was next for us. I took several blood tests. All of which came back in proper ranges and negative for everything that could be concerning. Good news. We met with the doctor. “What should we do?”  She recommended doing another fresh cycle with a different protocol. “Because you only have one “C” embryo left, let’s do another fresh cycle and transfer the best embryos back. And hopefully add one more to your frozen embryo so you could do a 2-embryo transfer in the future.”  We prayed. We contemplated. We weighed our options. Yes, a fresh cycle with strong embryos sounded wonderful. But neither of us could forget about our little less-than-average embryo that was waiting for us. “Your odds of a pregnancy are much higher if we do another fresh cycle.” We kept hearing our doctors voice in our head. But both of our hearts felt called to our little frostie baby first.

So we made the decision. We were going to proceed with a frozen cycle based on the hopes that God had big plans in store for our last embryo – “Frostie”. Our doctor completely supported our decision. We made our consult appointment. We paid our bills. We scheduled our transfer for September 26th. I would be starting shots at the end of August. We knew without a doubt that this frozen transfer was the right decision. But we continued to pray for God’s timing to be displayed. Instead of praying for a sign that it was His time, this time I prayed that if it wasn’t His timing, that He would throw up a roadblock. A clear, can’t-miss-it sign that September 26th wasn’t meant to be the transfer date.

Later that same day we paid for the September 26th transfer, the call came in. “Your blood work went up.” Less than a week later I was canceling our September 26th transfer as we found out the D&C would be necessary.

I asked for a roadblock and I got one, clear as day. I was frustrated because I wanted God to be like “Yes of course this is My time! Go for it!”. My bags were packed for our cruise. We requested a fridge in the room to house my shots. My doctors note allowing me to travel with needles and such already packed in my carry on. And then the roadblock.

September 26th was not meant to be our transfer day.

I will never know why. But I sit now, weeks later, in complete awe at the simple answer to prayer that He created, especially when my will and wanting was so different.

Days passed. Then the nurse called. We were cleared to start our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) cycle again. My numbers were zero.

So we proceeded with starting. And again, praying, God, if this isn’t Your timing or Your will, please create a roadblock.

This FET would be different than all the other cycles in the past. I would be using different injections and high dosages to receive the estrogen I needed. I would be adding and changing other things as well. We had no idea if my body would respond to this. Truthfully, I think I anticipated my body not responding at all and that being my “roadblock”.

We (I) made the conscious decision not to share this cycle prep with anyone. (Josh respected and agreed to my request.) I was exhausted. I didn’t really want to think about the cycle. I wanted to wake up, give myself my shot, pop a pill and go about my day. Repeat at night. My mind couldn’t handle anyone asking me how I was. Updating people. Telling people “Yeah, the medicine didn’t work. The cycle has been cancelled.” I stood with my hot flashes, too stubborn to admit that the shots were to blame. I was too exhausted some days to get off the couch. I am sure people just thought I was insanely lazy. But still, I chugged on. It was beautiful not being defined by how I was feeling/doing by everyone I encountered. Yes, I know. Their intentions would have been wonderful. But my heart and brain just didn’t want to think or talk about it. At all. I felt like I got to be a “normal” person when really, if they had seen my stomach, they would have known by the bruises I wasn’t all that “normal”.

You see, for so many cycles I have relied upon YOUR support, your encouragement, your words to keep me going. But I felt God quietly whisper in my heart Let me be all the support you need. And so we marched forward, the future of if my body would be ready for a transfer unknown. Only Him knowing my specific needs each day.

We cleared the first appointment. My lining was thin, ovaries quiet. Then we added more meds. And waited, prayed, hoped. My heart so cautiously scared yet optimistic. I knew that if this transfer was meant to happen, then the medicine would work. My hormone levels would be as they should. My lining would be okay. And if not, another clear roadblock.

Last Friday I went into the clinic to hear the wonderful news that this protocol worked. My lining was ready and perfect. Now we just needed to take some blood work and check that pesky estrogen level. They like to see it between 200 – 400, but will cautiously take anything above 100. Last time I was a miserable 112. I had no idea what to expect. So imagine my pleasant surprise when the nurse called that afternoon and didn’t tell me “The cycle is cancelled.” But instead “Your levels are 391! We are set to move forward with the transfer.”

Praise God! Oh He is so good.

So what does all of this mean? It means I am EXCITED to share with you all that this Friday, Josh and I hope to have the God-given opportunity to transfer our last little embryo into its home for hopefully the next 9 months. I say hope to have because there is still one more big step between now and that moment of transfer – our little guy/girl has to survive being thawed. It’s a complete unknown if it will. We pray with every piece of our hearts that it does. But we will not find out if it made it until we get to the clinic Friday morning. The emotions thinking about that possible joy or heartbreak is overwhelming.

So – surprise! For the last 30+ days, my days have included many shots. If I have broken out in a sweat around you or looked a painful color of gray, it was because of the shots combined with the lack of sleep.

 A tiny look at my secret life lately.

A tiny look at my secret life lately.

So PLEASE join us in praying for:

  1. The thawing of our embryo.
  2. The transfer itself to go smoothly.
  3. That this is IT.

Today also marks a special day in our journey as it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Throughout this journey, Josh and I have had little ones join our Father earlier than we would have liked. It’s interesting, for those who have lost a spouse, the word “widow” is given. For those who lost a parents, the word “orphan” is used. For those who have lost a child – well, too often it simply goes unsaid.

preg loss

“Unless you wear a T-shirt emblazoned with your children’s names or tattoo them on your wrist, you rarely speak their names aloud no matter how much you need or want to tell others. And for women who have struggled with pregnancy loss, there seems even less place to mention the love they feel for babies they will never have.” (NY Times article today)

So today is the day we remember. Today is the day not to be ashamed of the sadness you have felt. In fact, on this day, there will be a “wave of light” spread throughout the world. From 7 pm – 8 pm in each time zone in every part of the world, candles will be lit to remember those babies who have been lost. So please, I ask, if you are home tonight, even if its not at 7:00, please lit a candle for those who have lost their precious babies. It’s not an image that will likely ever be seen but the significance is incredibly touching and moving.

(Great, now I am crying at Starbucks. Yes sir, the one watching me, if you have a Kleenex to share, that would be great.)

I saw this photo on Instagram earlier today and it touched my heart so much.

hold them

What would God say to my little one about me? As I pondered that today, I couldn’t help but pray, with all my heart, that it is something similar to the song I had been listening to ironically at the same time:

May Your love cause us to open up, cause us to open up our hearts.

May Your life cause us to shine so bright that we bring hope into the dark.

Great is the courage to give as You’re calling.

Make me an instrument of Your peace.

May we love as You love.

I hope that I am living a life that causes God to whisper, “Look at your Mom. Her heart is open. She is shining so bright. She is bringing hope into the darkness around her. She is brave. Aren’t we so proud of her?

(That may have been the hardest sentence and image to imagine and type. More tears.)

So as we move forward, join us with confidence as we trust whatever God has planned for us. Perhaps another roadblock. Perhaps a glorious ending to this present suffering. Perhaps another lesson learned. A heart more dependent on Him. The possibilities are endless. And we are jumping in wholeheartedly.

Now off to find some tissues.

confident

sneaky grief.

11 Comments

Have you ever had a dream that felt so real, that when you woke up from it you were shocked to realize that the dream reality wasn’t the real reality? I had one of those last night. Which is somewhat odd for me because in general, I am alert enough in my dreams to recognize it’s a dream. But last night was different.

Last night I dreamt that I went in for an ultrasound (not at my clinic but at this strange looking 2050 doctor office warehouse-center) and upon getting a check-up, the doctor told me “congratulations! It’s time.”

Me: “Time for what?”

Doctor: Time to deliver! You are pregnant.

Me: What? I am? Aren’t I supposed to be pregnant for 9 months? I’m pregnant?

Doctor: It’s different for you this time. You got to pass over everything. You are pregnant and your baby is about to come!

Me: I’m pregnant? Is this real life? Are you sure? Is this a dream?

Doctor: Yes, I am sure. This is not a dream. Get ready Mama!

Me: Are you sure? I can’t take any more pain in my heart. I am pregnant? I am going to have a baby?

Doctor: You are going to have a baby. You are pregnant. This is not going away.

Me: I am going to have a baby? Are you sure?

Doctor: Yes, I am 100% sure. Enjoy this. You are going to have a baby.

Me: You aren’t joking me? Are you sure I am not dreaming? I am going to be a mom? Are you sure?

If you can’t tell, I was incredibly redundant in my dream. Asking over and over and over again – “are you sure?” and the answer always was “yes, I’m sure. This is it for real.”

The conversation with the doctor felt ages long. To a point where my subconscious actually started to believe that my pregnant self, was a reality.

Imagine my surprise when I woke up.

It took me a painful minute to realize that the dream in fact, was a dream. It was the most real-life conversations I have ever felt in a sleeping state, to the point I had actual tears of joy on my face. When that reality hit that the sweet taste of relief that this struggle was over was simply a dream, well, it was more devastating that probably makes sense to you as a reader right now.

I have no idea how my heart managed to find such contentment and peace in the fact that I was “pregnant”. But then, to have it turned off so abruptly, at 3 am, defied a logic my brain could handle.

I was so sure this battle was over.

There is a John Mayer song which lyrics spoke so directly into that moment. “When you’re dreaming with a broken heart the waking up is the hardest part. You roll outta bed and down on your knees and for a moment you can hardly breathe.”

It’s funny how grief can hit you when you least expect it. For crying out loud, I was SLEEPING. Can’t I be protected from it in my dreams? Sometimes we forget that the process of grief is spontaneous. It catches us off guard and suddenly we are left dealing with the reality and pain that our hopes and dreams aren’t what we expected. That a part of our heart is missing. Grief is its own phenomenon and can just be messy at times. I certainly wasn’t expecting to wake up facing it.

I say this all simply to validate that grief in this journey is okay. No one is immune to it or protected from it entirely. It happens in its own space, in its own time. It can be overwhelming at moments and easier to swallow at other times. Tears shed aren’t always out of weakness; they are sometimes out of a heart that loves so much.

I read a quote by CS Lewis that says ““For in grief nothing “stays put.” One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?”

There are days in this journey I feel like I am making traction upwards. And others where it seems like my heart takes over and the plunge happens. In these moments, I am so thankful for the arms of our Father.  Simply there to provide a small glimmer of peace midst a racing heart and a weary spirit. Psalm 22:24 (MSG) says “He has never let you down, never looked the other way when you were being kicked around. He has never wandered off to do His own thing; He has been right there, listening.” This verse brings so much comfort. He doesn’t look the other way. He is always there. When my heart is grieving, He is right there listening.

“I love the Lord because He hears my voice and my prayer for mercy…. Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me.” (Psalm 116:1, 7 NLT)

For those of you fighting your own grief, hang in there. You’re normal. Grief happens. But when it does, take it to the One who holds all our tears, fights all our battles, and never looks the other way.

I do have a prayer request and that simply is for sleep. I have been struggling to sleep at night for about 6 weeks now. I can sleep a little but constantly wake up and don’t get restful sleep. I know its aiding to my mental weariness and physical exhaustion. So if you could, prayers for a healthy sleep pattern to return would be a real blessing.

I will leave you with this cute picture of Cali from earlier today. We created our own little pumpkin patch for her to visit. (By we, I mean me and her, haha.) She clearly was amused enough to not want to sit normal but display her balancing trick instead. If I could get this dog into show business, we could have endless attempts at IVF. HA!

photo (72)

Happy Wednesday!

ebc

 

 

 

a walk down memory lane.

10 Comments

The other night I laid awake thinking about the fact that a blog entry was waiting to be written and praying for a topic to be placed upon my heart. A word. A brilliant thought. A meaningful verse or a recollection of a recent story that could be tied into significant writing.  Instead I came up empty handed. In fact, instead of being bestowed with an entry that sparkled like Tierra (hehe, Bachelor joke), my brain instead simply kept rerunning the phrase, “I’m tired.”

It began to pluck what life has looked like for me that last year. The moments we have gone though.

The excitement. The joyous feeling of that first cycle. The highest highs of hope. The adrenaline.

The egg retrieval. Our beautiful 11 eggs.

The visit to the ER in the middle of the night. The overstimulation.

The transfer. That moment of seeing our two precious little babies for the first time, in their smallest cell-form. Knowing that everything up until this point was beautifully worth it.

The moment we saw the words “Pregnant” show up on the digital screen.

The moment of racing to the store to buy our first onsies. (My eyes still fill with tears when I remember those precious moments of being pregnant and so painfully unaware that anything could go wrong). The joy of picking out Mommy and Daddy outfits for one another.

The moments of telling our parents and my sister we were pregnant. The look of surprise on their faces. The tears shed. The hugs given. The dreams dreamt.

The weird cramping. The trip to the bathroom. The blood. The realization.

The call from the doctor, “I’m so sorry ….”

The days in bed, weeping from the deepest part of my soul. The pain.

The words of Meredith Andrews playing on repeat, “And every step, every breath You are there. Every tear, every cry, every breath. In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down. Not for a moment, will You forsake me…. After all, You are constant. After all, You are only good. After all, You are sovereign.”

The decision to try again. The leap of faith into the second cycle.

The egg retrieval. 14 God-given eggs this time.

The transfer. Our 2 little ones cozied up in Mommy’s tummy.

My first Mother’s Day as a real Mom.

The scared excitement of what this would bring.

The early bleeding. The cramping. Learning that it was over.

The confusion. The pain.

The decision that it was time to transfer our two frostie babies.

Learning that they made the thaw. Seeing them for the first time. Celebrating the moment.

The early bleeding again. The relief when it went away. The fear. Oh, the fear.

Seeing those two beautiful perfect lines pop up on a home pregnancy test. The words “Pregnant” shining on the digital again.

The terrified joy we felt.

Confirming we were expecting with the doctor. The news that they numbers weren’t as high as we had hoped.

The call a few days later to let us know the pregnancy was no longer viable.

The heartbreak.

The exhaustion.

The final blood work 3 weeks later.

The emergency ultrasound. The concern of an ectopic pregnancy.

The D&C surgery. The recovery.

The exhaustion.

And all these moments don’t include the shots. The pills. The patches. The suppositories. The juices drank and the oil rubbed on my tummy.

And as I laid in bed running through the memories of the last 10 months, I couldn’t help but validate my brains statement … ‘I’m tired.”

I would never imagine 10 months ago, that this is where my story would be. As I laid there thinking about all of this, I couldn’t help but feel this wave of frustration run over me. God, what’s the plan here? We have prayed faithfully this whole time that when we are meant to stop, that He would make it clear to us and despite the outcomes and surgery, I couldn’t feel stronger about that fact that we are supposed to march on in this journey. But I’m tired.

The funny thing is, when I woke up, my sister had sent me a message about a dream she had during the night. The details shared were exactly what I needed to hear and in a nutshell, the message was simple. God is using our story for His glory, even if I don’t see it. And Satan wants nothing more than to put my spirit, my hope, my joy, to death. He wants me to take his bitter pill and self obstruct. It was exactly the message I needed to hear to remind myself that I have to actively choose NOT to take that bitter pill each day. To look for the ways that God is using this for good. And when I take the time to look, I see them all around me.

So now the million dollar question everyone is asking … what’s next?

I have been transparently open to you all during our journey. Please know that when our hearts are ready, we will know and share what’s next. I promise. I appreciate in the meantime, your respect of not pressing us for details until that time. With all we have been through this last year, the questions “What’s next? When’s the next cycle? What’s the plan?” has become tiring. Part of me understands that you are all just excited for the future and what it may hold, the other part makes me feel like you don’t understand how exhausted I feel. Truly, I know your intentions are so good, but I have a little guard up on my heart protecting the little strength I have left. Simply talking about it drains me of that.

I promise you this: my desire for a baby remains strong. I still hope and pray that someday, that dream God has planted in our hearts becomes a reality. But for now, I will regather my strength. I will be intentional each day about rejecting the pity party pill. I will continue to look for the good in the story, because it’s there. And I will continue to be eternally grateful for each of you and the role you play in this story. You have no idea how much you mean.

“May our weary hearts be filled with hope…” –Gungor-

failed expectations.

22 Comments

Okay, I’ll say it, I am ready for fall. I feel like a hypocrite, as being a Minnesotan, we have maybe 2-3 months of summer, a week of fall and then 9 months of winter. But we haven’t really had a fun-in-the-sun summer this year; it’s been more a melt-your-face-off summer. And now, I am ready to unpack my boots and scarves, dabble in fall nail polish colors and order hot drinks from Starbucks. Oh, and not to mention fall TV shows coming back. Revenge! Grey’s Anatomy! Vampire Diaries! Oh my!

(It’s okay to remind me in October after our first snow storm that I wished this upon myself.)

I was recently nominated by another blogger as for a Sunshine Award. What I have been told is that “the Sunshine Award recognizes bloggers whose writings ‘light up the dark corners of our minds’”. It was an honor to be nominated! Thanks to Kate from A Hundred Affections for the nomination! Along with the nomination come questions for the blogger (me) to answer, so here you go!

Favorite color? To wear on my fingernails, pink or gray. To wear in clothes, black. To buy something that color of, usually some shade of blue.

Favorite animal? Morkie, of course! (Maltese-Yorkie aka Cali). But if I had to pick another one, it would probably be a giraffe, going back to my younger days as I was obsessed with the Ty Beanie Baby Twigs.

Favorite number? My birthdate, 19. (Fact, I played my very first game of roulette on our cruise and won with this number!)

Favorite nonalcoholic drink? I love Arnie Palmers (half lemonade, half iced tea), Shirley Temples (sprite and grenadine) and anything from Starbucks.

Favorite alcoholic drink? I rarely drink but when I do, I enjoy a glass of Moscato wine or anything with champagne.

Facebook or Twitter? Facebook. I still don’t really understand Twitter but enjoy following people.

My Passions? Living a life that is pleasing to God. My husband and pup. Spending time with family. Reading. Sitting in a coffee shop. Serving at our church. Cooking. Hosting events.

There you go! Then I am asked to nominate others for the Sunshine Award – I am working on linking other blogs to mine with a “Blogs I follow” page so stay tuned for those.

In other news, my beta finally reached ZERO! *CHEERS!* We found out last Friday and that’s been a huge relief. I have my Saline Infused Sonogram today (in about 2 hours actually!). This is the FINAL step in closing out this last cycle. It’s simply put a test where saline (salt solution) is inserted into the uterus and then my doctor will look at the lining to ensure it is free from cysts, polyps and scarring. We are praying that everything looks A-okay as it has in the past and that the D&C didn’t change that.

Driving in to the appointment last week, I was listening to a podcast from Pastor Steven Furtick about expectations. The series was great – it looked at what we do when others fail our expectations, when we fail others expectations of us and when we fail our own expectations. But the message that I was listening to was freshingly real – it was about what we do when God fails our expectations. Gulp. It talked about how frustration is born when our expectations doesn’t match our experience. We expect certain things to happen and they don’t. And sometimes, God is at the center of our expectations – and He doesn’t come through. Our prayers seem to fall flat and it can seem like God just didn’t provide for us the way we hoped and prayed. Pastor Furtick then said something that was hard to hear, but true – he said, “if you follow God, expect to be disappointed.”

Eeeeeeek.

Awkward.

The reason being is that we serve a God that is SO great, so powerful and we know that He COULD do ANYTHING He wanted. And when He doesn’t, we are disappointed. Confused. We still trust Him, or at least we should, but that disappointment and letdown stings.

He used the example of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus (when Lazarus was sick). Can you imagine being friends with Jesus, having Him over for dinner, hanging out, chillin’? (I am sure Jesus appreciates me using the word “chilli’” to describe Him. But doesn’t He totally seem like He would just sit back, relax with friends, laugh at how totally surprised that blind guy was when He could see again. He was HUMAN. He chilled.)

I digress. Anyways, so here you have Jesus’ close friends, ones described in the Bible as people he loved and one of them gets really sick. His sisters have been watching Christ’s ministry. They have seen so many healings and it probably seems silly to worry about their brother at this point. Just call Jesus! They say. Let Him know Lazarus is sick. Martha probably went back into the kitchen at that point to cook up a stew for Him to eat when He got there.

And Jesus gets the message. He hears His friend is sick. And what does He do? He stays. Right where He was. And Lazarus dies.

Failed expectations. Four days later, Jesus shows up. And Martha simply says ““Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” Talk about being honest and direct with the Lord about failed expectations! I love it.

How many times have I cried out to Him simply saying “God, if you would have answered my prayers, my baby would still be here.”; “God, if you had intervened, you could have prevented this miscarriage.”; “God, if you had been here, I wouldn’t have needed this surgery.”; “God, if you would just touch me, I would be healed.”

Honesty. I think it’s something that we can lack in our walk sometimes. We THINK about how hurt we are with Him for not answering our prayers, but how often do we say, Lord, if you had … then…

He knows our hearts. I think her reaction was so beautifully appropriate.

And Jesus response to Martha wasn’t “How dare you speak to me like that! I know what I could have done!”

He answers with love, telling her that her brother would rise again.

Then Mary comes out of the house weeping and does the same thing. “Jesus! If you would have been there, then …” And Jesus again, doesn’t scold her for talking to Him like that. In fact, His reaction breaks my heart.

“When Jesus saw her weeping … he was deeply moved in his spirit… Then Jesus wept.” (John 11)

He wept in His humanness over the loss of His friend. Even though He had the power to save Him, He hadn’t and even though He knew the grand plans, He wept.

I believe strongly that when we wept, when our expectations are let down, when we cry out why, Jesus joins us in our weeping.

But the story doesn’t stop there.

In John 11, Jesus tells the sisters “Didn’t I tell you that you would see God’s glory if you believe?” He went to the tomb, rolled away the stone and said “Father, thank you for hearing me. You always hear me, but I said it out loud for the sake of all these people standing here, so that they will believe you sent me.”

And Lazarus was the first man raised from the dead by Jesus.

You see – Jesus was healing people, but He needed to prove that He was the man of God. And this resurrection is what helped led people to believe. (John 11:45)

I share all of this for a simple reason – and it’s one that struck me again last week and is one I have to carry in my heart each day – when it seems that God doesn’t provide for us the way we hoped, we HAVE to remember that God doesn’t share our perspective. And because of that, His plans aren’t always going to line up with ours.

But He will come. He will be with us. He will weep. And then, when the time is right, His glory will be shown. I truly believe that.

I hope this reminder blesses you today as much as it’s blessed me. I better get going now so I can get ready for my appointment. Maybe I will even stop on the way for a Starbucks iced tea to celebrate the last days of summer as I patiently wait for fall to usher in.

Happy Friday friends!

whirlwind.

10 Comments

What a whirlwind this last week has been! Sometimes when I sit down to write about what’s been going on in my life and I think “Did that all really happen to me?” It can feel like I am living someone else’s story sometimes and it feels weird. But reality is that this is my story!

The D&C went really well. I wasn’t too worried going into it, just hopeful that the complications wouldn’t happen. I felt SO blessed by all of the messages I received from friends letting me know they were praying for “The 5” requests. I felt clothed in prayers, my anxiety at bay and felt like this was just something to check off my list. I was so grateful to have my mom accompany me to the procedure and it truly went as perfect as possible. My doctor left right away, while I was still coming out of sedation, to bring the tissues to the hospital lab. These tissues needed to be cleared as positive for pregnancy in order for us to be cleared to leave on our trip. I was so thankful she got those results expedited. In fact, while I was still in recovery she came back letting us know everything came back as hoped. Praise God. Before I knew it, I was back home with prescriptions for nausea, pain and some awesome nylon underwear. My cramping was so minimal and for the most part, I just felt sleepy from the anesthesia.

After the surgery - everything went great!

After the surgery – everything went great!

I tried to wear my lucky socks but apparently not having grippy's on the bottom is a major hospital violation. Well, I tried.

I tried to wear my lucky socks but apparently not having grippy’s on the bottom is a major hospital violation. Well, I tried.

Then the exciting part – Josh and I had planned a last minute cruise the week before with another couple, friends of ours from college. We wanted to get away for a few days and relax, putting infertility stuff behind us and enjoy some time away. Little did we know I would be having unanticipated surgery the day before but the doctors felt confident that pending no complications during surgery, I would be okay to go on the trip. So our alarms went off at 2:45 am the next morning and off we went to the airport to begin our adventure.

We look lovely at 3:45 am right??

We look lovely at 4 am right??

Our boat looked so pretty - almost fake!

Our boat looked so pretty – almost fake!

The trip itself was so wonderful. We enjoyed time together and with our friends, good food, time in the sunshine and lots of laughs. For the most part, I was pain free. I didn’t really experience cramping from the D&C. The pain more felt like someone stirred up my insides and I just felt really bloated, tender and a little internally blended. If that makes sense?

Looks like all my years of reading US Weekly paid off! I won the ship on a stick for knowing the most celebrity couples! (Not sure that's something I should be proud of?)

Looks like all my years of reading US Weekly paid off! I won the ship on a stick for knowing the most celebrity couples! (Not sure that’s something I should be proud of?)

cruise1

A quick look at our trip! No trip is a trip without some towel animals, the ocean, great food, and of course, a selfie.

A quick look at our trip! No trip is a trip without some towel animals, the ocean, great food, and of course, a selfie.

After spending sometime in Miami, the Keys, and Cozumel, we were on our way back home. We arrived to the Miami airport at 8:30 am Monday morning and unfortunately our flight didn’t leave till 5:45 pm. We were hoping to get on another flight but all were oversold. The day of waiting, then traveling to Detroit for a layover, then finally back to our state felt LONG. By the time we arrived home, it was about 16 hours. My exhaustion caught up with me mid-flight to Detroit and I became irritable Chelsea. By the time we landed, I was miserable, crank-city Chelsea. And I had a tummy ache from eating too many pretzels on the flight. (We skipped dinner). I think I glared at one too many people and muttered sentences about hating life and never being this tired and grumpy before. (I always had a flair for drama). By the time we boarded our last flight, 36 rows back, I was a version of myself that probably hung out with the devil for fun. I couldn’t control my glaring. I couldn’t force a smile, even if offered millions. I shot Josh some of the ugliest looks on the planet for whistling and was livid that because of his 9:30 pm cup of Starbucks, he was enjoying life. I was cold, therefore he couldn’t use his air vent. I was uncomfortable, therefore that was somehow his fault. I felt like his talking to the flight attendant was the most obnoxious noise I ever heard. In fact, by the time we landed, I was so exhausted and unhappy and annoyed, that I visualized clubbing him with my flip flop just so he would stop smiling. Walking to baggage claim, listening to him talk about loving the airport and wondering why the close baggage claim gate was closed, paired with walking faster than my tired feet wanted to, I questioned why I had been married to him for 8 years. (I told you, devil woman here). I mentally questioned if I was really a Christian because I felt such hatred towards people walking by me for the simple fact that they weren’t miserable like me.  I was short with my sister who stayed up late to pick us up and only spoke if it was to correct something Josh said. I was the worst version of myself. I share this with you for two reasons – 1) to remind you I am so far from perfect and 2) to apologize if I saw you and tried to assassin you with my eyes.

Once home, after the fastest shower of my life, I tossed back my antibiotic, ignored my grumbling stomach and went to bed. Throughout the night it felt like someone kept waking me up and tried to jam a golf ball down my throat. (If it was the flight attendant or Josh, I would have understood.) I woke up in extreme pain, feeling like something was stuck in my throat, with my chest and upper back burning. After spending some time on Google, I diagnosed myself with heartburn. Having never had it before, I tried everything that the internet (and Facebook friends) told me to do. Tums. Milk. Apple Cider Vinegar. Zantac. Nothing was working and because of the throat-lodged feeling and pain, I couldn’t keep anything down. Paired with the exhaustion from the day before, plus now being dehydrated and in pain, I felt like I had been clubbed. I got overly emotional about the fact that the day before (Monday) was our first due date and finally started to process the D&C. By the evening, I was running through worst case scenarios about my heartburn and almost went to the ER. Another night of sleep didn’t bring relief so I went to the doctor the next day, where I learned that gulping down my antibiotic on an empty stomach, right before laying down in bed, is not a good idea and will indeed burn your esophageal lining, causing a ulcer-like throat issue. Awesome. No wonder the heartburn remedies weren’t working! So now I am adding some more medication to my plate which is bringing relief until the lining heals in the next 4-8 weeks. Sigh. It always seems like its something!

But truly, all in all, I am recovering well. I am feeling less like the horned version of myself and am back to smiling at people. I have decided that just because I had a bad day, does not mean I am not truly a Christian or that Jesus left me for a day. I do realize that being happy requires a little bit of energy however. At least some days.

I ran across this verse the other day – “Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.” (Romans 12:15 NLT) It has been a good reminder for me to remember to be genuine in my emotions with others. Be happy with those who are happy. Who are celebrating births or pregnancies. Share in the sorrow with those who are sad. Genuinely care about what they are going through and don’t just go through the “I am so sorry” motions. I think in this journey, we can protect our emotions so much because we have felt the euphoric highs and stinging lows. But I have been focusing on being genuine with my emotions. “Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them…Love each other with genuine affection.” (Romans 12:9a, 10a). So I am trying to make my interactions intentional and my words heartfelt.

Otherwise, that’s my life right now! I am going back in to the doctor tomorrow morning to recheck my beta numbers and am PRAYING the number is 0 or close to it. I am having slight beta-PTSD thinking about that call coming in. Then likely in the next 1-2 weeks, I will have a saline infusion sonogram (SIS) where they will evaluate the inner cavity of my uterus to make sure scarring didn’t occur during the D&C and make sure things still look good in there. Once all that is done, we will being discussing and moving forward with whatever may be next for us. Continued prayers for wisdom, peace and healing are appreciated.

Fall is around the corner and with it comes boots, cozy sweaters and warm Starbucks drinks. I love the leaves changing colors and even more so, I hope that with the changing of the seasons brings a changing in the winds for us and this journey. “Hear my prayer, O Lord! Listen to my cries for help! Don’t ignore my tears.” (Psalm 39:12).

Cali's first day of school! Hehe!

Cali’s first day of school! Hehe!

Lovely PSL's are back! Tried my first iced one - MMM!

Lovely PSL’s are back! Tried my first iced one – MMM!

 

d & c.

13 Comments

I finally think the “expect the unexpected” phrase has kicked in. (Thanks Big Brother). Truly, whenever I expect something to go one way, it goes the opposite way. Last week, I expect my beta to be 0 and they called and said “surprise! It’s 165.” Yesterday I went in and expected it to go down (although I truly was unsure what to think) and they call me and say “surprise! It doubled, please come back in immediately for an ultrasound.”

Gulp.

Hopped in my car, drove downtown, sat with the doctor and the tech as we pulled up my uterus and … Bam! There is was. A beautiful little 8 week, 2 day old sac. Except most people see a little baby inside at this point – I saw, well, an empty sac.

I was pleased in that it doesn’t look like there is anything attached to my tubes, just the uterine sac in the right place. The bad news is that my doctor was concerned that when I started to bleed, that I could hemorrhage and being that Josh and I were planning on going out of town, she didn’t feel comfortable taking that risk.

She said that we need to do a D&C surgery to remove the sac in the next 24-48 hours.

Expect the unexpected.

I don’t know why but I truly didn’t think it would come to surgery. Granted, it was always on the table but I was just hoping the outcome would be different. That my body would handle it naturally or that magic pills could take it away. I am so grateful that my RE doctor (the specialist) and the Obstetrics doctor completing my surgery (my OB from my original clinic) were so helpful in getting things moved around quickly to get this completed, as well as talk me through what to expect in a way I understood. Both spoke with incredible empathy and made me hopeful that in the end, Josh and I would still be able to go out of town as well. (The funny this is we were going out of town to get away from it all –I will now go out of town with pain meds, heating pads and a scraped, crampy uterus).

Some would expect me to feel angry. Mad. Upset. Sad. To be shaking my fist angrily at the sky and to cuss out my luck. But truthfully, I handed over this appointment on Monday to God and became comfortable with “whatever is meant to happen will happen.” No, I didn’t think that would mean a surgery 36 hours later, but I felt peace in the fact that He had a plan. Who knows? Perhaps this is the answer we were looking for? Perhaps after 3 cycles in 9 months, my uterus just needed a little autumn cleaning? (Hehehe!)

So tomorrow morning at 5:45 am, I check in for my D & C. I have talked to a few different women who have had them and their experiences all vary. I can only pray that mine is an uncomplicated procedure and that recovery goes quickly and smoothly.

If I could though, ask you to pray for a few specific items, I would greatly appreciate it:

1)      The procedure itself – that it would be free from anything that could cause scarring. Scarring of the uterus happens less the 1% of the time but can cause additional infertility issues that I am not prepared to face.

2)      A lack of blood loss – sometimes the person’s body doesn’t stop bleeding and they have to do a transfusion. While they are prepared to do this, I pray that this won’t be the case for me.

3)      The biopsy – the same day they will take the tissues they remove and test them. The results need to come back positive for pregnancy to confirm that there is no other tissue in an unidentified location. (Like an upper tube). The chances of additional tissues located elsewhere are small but would require being rushed backed immediately for surgery and would result in our trip being canceled.

4)      For quick healing – I am nervous about traveling so soon after surgery but pray that this trip helps clear our mind from all that is going on and is a trip of healing and relaxation. Prayers for minimal cramping and post-op bleeding would be wonderful!

5)      Against infection – I will be on a strong antibiotic but there is always a risk of infection after surgery. Please join me in praying this doesn’t happen to me.

So 5 things (sorry, I am being prayer greedy now!) No scarring, no extra bleeding, good biopsy results, quick healing and no infection. THANK YOU!

A week or so ago, a friend posted a quote that has forever changes the way that I view my journey. The quote said:

“If you aspire to be a person of consolation, if you want to share the priestly gift of sympathy, if you desire to go beyond giving commonplace comfort to a heart that is tempted, and if you want to go through the daily exchanges of life with the kind of tact that never inflicts pain, then you must be prepared to pay the price for a costly education – for like Christ, you must suffer.” – Frederick William Robertson

I had never thought that this struggle of ours is part of a spiritual journey towards the gift of sympathy. The gift of sympathy is unlike many the people have, as to have true empathy, you have to be able to relate on some measure. We have all dealt with people who just don’t “get it”. That says the wrong, hurtful thing and cause additional heartaches. But in order to be a person who has the “kind of tact that never inflicts pain”, then you have to become educated in what it’s like to be them.

Whoa.

I will never look at this struggle the same way again. What a beautiful opportunity God has given me to be trained to have sympathy for others going through infertility. For others going through miscarriages. For others that have failed cycles, whether they be IVF, IUI, Clomid, Femara, metformin. For others that have post- IVF complications like OHSS. And now, for others that have to go through a D&C. All of this is part of an education, to be trained in the spiritual gift of sympathy and to be able to offer comfort that isn’t generic. My heart feels humbled and honored that I would be able to stand by someone else suffering and offer heartfelt sympathies.

Does that make me crazy? I understand how completely insane that sounds. So often times infertility feels like this gigantic punishment for something we don’t know, but my brain and heart are starting to change the thought of that, and receive this as a gift. Something that Christ is educating me in so that I can be more like Him. To be like Christ, we must suffer.

Now, this all should go without saying that I am MORE than reading for this journey to be done. I want to say, “Ok God, learned the lessons! Thanks! Now, baby please?” I cannot wait for the day when I am holding my healthy little baby and looking back at all of this. But until that day, I have to stay strong, positive, and keep fighting. Because I am learning things and being taught things that many people will never have the opportunity. So for that, I am thankful.

I likely won’t be able to update for a week or so due to recovery and the holiday weekend, so if you don’t hear from me, assume things went well. Thank you in advance for your prayers, love, and support.

On a fun note, life has been good so far. We still can’t process “what’s next” until we complete this last cycle fully. In the last few weeks though, I celebrated my 28th birthday, which was so fun. I enjoyed some fun time at the State Fair, sweating and overeating. I am wrapping up a TTC gift exchange that I coordinated on Instagram – where over 100 ladies struggling with infertility sent a care package to another girl struggling. I am SO blessed to see how much joy and excitement this brings to a community that has blessed me so much. And I have spent a lot of time listening to some great podcasts that have continued to teach me new things. Take a peek at some pictures!

ACQUA

We went out for my birthday to one of my favorite restaurants and enjoyed a wonderful evening out!

 

table

My family threw a beautiful dinner party for my birthday. How great is this book themed table setting? (Books = my weakness)

 

BDAY US

Us :)

Cali got a toy in a package from my Instagram exchange friend. I think she loves it!

Cali got a toy in a package from my Instagram exchange friend. I think she loves it!

Preach!

Preach!

Anyways, all of this is in His hands and we trust that! We keep trusting that our day will come and unless He changes our hearts, we will keep fighting and giving it out all. XOXO!