I haven’t posted in a while and it wasn’t intentional. To be honest, I am enjoying the quiet this month has had to offer me mentally and physically after the cycle was canceled. Now, of course I would rather have a chance, but it has been so nice not worrying, thinking, or over analyzing. I have been able to spend a week simply being. It’s been a eye opener in remembering how crazy I can drive myself throughout this process. Not counting days, taking temps, or swallowing pills has its perks – sanity!
As I think about the desire to have a child, as of late, the warning of idolatry comes to my mind and it made me stop and think. The definition of idolatry is typically equated with a type of religious worship; however, there is another meaning which defines it as an “excessive devotion” to something. It’s been a good reminder that TTC has the potential of creating an excessive devotion or strong dedication to something other than God. It’s possible to get so wrapped up in the events of the days and months that your focus shifts from being devoted to Christ, to being devoted to having a child. We have to daily act with an intentional-ism to not allow our Thing to become an idol.
I am not saying having a desire for children is idolatrous – I am simply being called to remember my powerlessness in making this happen. I know many of you are struggling with a certain stage of life you are in. And some of you are thinking it’s impossible to be satisfied until your Thing has been answered. I know in my heart that Godly contentment with our stage in life is possible. I have seen the stage of infertility become a beautiful time of friendship, support, family and growing in my marriage. I have seen this stage set up ministry opportunities that may not have otherwise been there. I have seen God call me to do things that I wouldn’t have been able to do if I had a child. Regardless of His timing to fulfill my heart’s desire to have a child, I know that is preparing me now for what is to come.
In the book of Philippians, Paul writes this letter to his friends and it echoes what is in my heart tonight: “I’m glad in God, far happier than you would ever guess—happy that you’re again showing such strong concern for me. Not that you ever quit praying and thinking about me. You just had no chance to show it. Actually, I don’t have a sense of needing anything personally. I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I don’t mean that your help didn’t mean a lot to me—it did. It was a beautiful thing that you came alongside me in my troubles.”
I believe the calling for Josh and I to become parents is God-ordained, but I also believe that the calling has to be in line with complete satisfaction in Christ. While I am not sure why God is allowing the unfulfilled desire in our lives, I believe that his reasoning is consistent with His character. What a beautiful thing.