dear santa.

Dear Santa,

Hi! Me again! I swear we had a similar conversation last year, but in case that letter got lost in the mail, I’d like to remind you what a very good girl I have been this year! And all I am asking for is to have you fill our stocking with baby dust and perhaps, a positive pregnancy test.

I have been taking my prenatal vitamins on a daily basis, even though they are huge and get wedged in my throat. (Ok, minus that one week earlier in the year when I said ‘screw you prenatal vitamins!’). I didn’t start crying when that one cashier saw all the baby shower gifts I was buying and congratulated me on the baby I “was having”. (I didn’t even have the heart to correct her.) I have kindly clicked through Facebook albums announcing pregnancies and births, and even managed to leave a few nice comments. I have been kind and patient with my husband, even when he is unintentionally irritating me. And the other night when I was crabby, instead of saying “What the bloody hell are you thinking!?!” out loud, I said it in my head, and with a British accent, so it isn’t like swearing at all. Then there were all the needle pokes and disappointing phone calls, and I managed to stay polite and say thank you at the end of the jab or call. I have bought a lot of baby gifts this year for children whom I love dearly, but aren’t mine. I only teared up a little when I gave myself my first shot. I held my tongue when I was told the reason I wasn’t pregnant was because I wasn’t “thinking good thoughts.” I have not yet written a nasty letter to MTV about how stupid it is to have a show about 16 year olds getting pregnant, as they don’t realize the blessing they have. I am praying the Sun Stands Still prayer, faithfully, and only stick my tongue out at the kids who throw snowballs at my car.

And Santa, even Josh has been a good boy. He didn’t even argue when I made him watch episodes of Guiliana and Bill with me, or insisted on reading out loud the entire IVF handbook. He went for his sperm analysis test without putting up a fuss even though it interfered with work hours. He has been very patient and kind to me, even when I am a little sharper than normal or weep at commercials with cute dogs in costumes.

So, please fill our little Christmas tree with strength, hope, determination, and optimism. Fill our stockings with positive thoughts going into the next month and new year. And if you want, you can throw in a few extra Folistim vials and alcohol swab wipes.

With Love,

A Mama to Be

4 thoughts on “dear santa.

  1. Elaina says:

    Love this post! Beautifully and comically written. I was tearing up reading it. I will also ask Santa to bring you a baby. I know how it is to desire a baby so badly you physically ache. Praying for you.

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