It’s amazing how quickly people can fall back into a routine after heartbreak. Sure, the sadness is still there but your mind and body just take over. You make the bed again, wash the dishes, return to work. Respond to emails, attend meetings, order your Starbucks. Laugh. Life goes on. I realize that few people I interact with daily know all of what’s been going on in my life. My attitude can’t change based on my emotions. People still deserve kindness, grace, timely responses and smiles. We pick up the pieces and keep going. It’s getting easier. I feel like part of God’s grace is creating a blanket over the pain. It all feels like of “fuzzy” now. I look back to a week ago and think, “Did we really go through that? How am I still standing?” It sort of feels like it happened to someone else. We just keep marching forward. Life is still moving.
Or course there are still triggers that bring up the painful memories and physical and emotional achiness. Pregnancy announcements on TV showers, seeing baby bumps everywhere (and I mean everywhere! Are they multiplying!?), putting on a scarf I wore to the transfer or a pair of earrings that I bought when I was pregnant. The pain is briefer but just as intense. But again, life moves on.
I had my doctor appointment yesterday to ensure my blood work came back negative. When my doctor called me, I anticipated setting up an appointment for our next consultation to discuss next steps. Instead, what I was told is that I can’t even miscarry correctly. (My words, not hers). Essentially what has happened is my body still thinks I am pregnant. My pregnancy hormones that dipped so significantly a week ago have now quadrupled. No, not to a level where I could have a healthy, viable pregnancy, but to a level where it’s obvious I am still carrying a sac and placenta, but without a baby inside.
So what does this mean?
Well, my doctor kindly explained that it could either be an ectopic pregnancy, one where the embryo has attached outside of the uterus. The chances of this are low because I am not in significant pain. However, still possible and I am to be looking out for symptoms this weekend. Of course this would be an option we pray against, as it could result in the loss of a fallopian tube.
But likely, it’s just what I explained above – the embryo sac is still attached and my body is still producing hormones for the “baby”. I have to go in for a 6 week ultrasound on Monday afternoon to see exactly what’s going on and discuss next steps.
A few options –
- I could have a D&C surgery to remove the tissue. This would likely be the simplest solution in the terms of it being a 1 day surgery and the doctor being able to get it all. It does hold with it the risk and expense of another surgery, as well as a required minimum 3 month wait before trying again.
- We could take medication to induce it. I have heard that this doesn’t always work and is an incredibly painful way of solving it. This would certain be something I would need to find out more about before considering it.
- We wait for my body to handle it naturally. This would result in a “phantom” pregnancy. My bump growing, my body mimicking that it was pregnancy but without a baby. This option doesn’t appeal to me at all.
To be honest, the whole thing is almost comical at this point. I think I am more irritated and annoyed than anything. I mean, come on! First I can’t get pregnant for 4.5 years. Then I go through multiple methods to conceive, including IVF. I end up in the ER with complications. I find out I am pregnant. I begin to miscarry on Christmas. And then find out I actually haven’t miscarried correctly and have to drag this out even more. Sigh.
As I was driving out of the work parking lot yesterday, I realized I had been singing this verse over and over again in my head, a subconscious prayer of worship and submission:
“The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear, And I don’t know the reason why You brought me here.… And I’m clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet so if all of these trials bring me closer to you then I will walk through the fire if You want me to.” – Ginny Owens
I know I shared that song back in June in this blog entry. And it remains the same. I don’t know why. To many, it seems cruel. We don’t understand why a God that is inherently good, allows people to go through painful times. But, He IS good. And He DOES care. So we keep giving it over to Him, accepting His timing and road bumps. We grow stronger by the day, grow closer to one another and to God and feel more prepared to face the future than ever before.
As always,we welcome prayer as we venture into a new unknown on Monday and figuring out what is medically necessary to close this chapter. One foot in front of the other … we keep marching.
Trials Bring Joy 
I’m sorry you have to go through this. None of the options seem ideal. Are you leaning towards one over another? I try to remember that without the bad, the good would not be so sweet. Hopefully all of this pain is just so that when we hold our babies…it means that much more because of everything we endured.
Ah, I love that “without the bad, the good would not be so sweet.” Just can’t wait for us ALL to celebrate the sweet! :) We will know more about whats next after the drs. appointment tomorrow. I am hoping the doctor gives us some recommended direction. Stay tuned. :) XO
Jessica – here is what we know … one day we WILL hold our little babies and it will all be so worth it! These trials will seem ages away … thinking and praying for you!
I just wanted you to know that coming across your board has been a blessing for me. I too have been TTC for 5 years and just had my ER with my first IVF attempt. It didn’t go so well and I am terrified and what will happen with my embryos. Your posts have given me strength to turn it all over to God. I am so good at having control over everything else in my life – work hard, reap the benefits. But with this there is literally nothing I can do – no control I can have. Thank you, and you and your journey are in my prayers.
Thank you for this response. I feel your fear and have been there and certainly have times when I fall into it. I am thankful that my words have reminded you that we CAN’T be in control (its so hard!). I am praying for success with your little embryos and success in your journey for a BFP (and little baby!). Thanks for tagging along our story and hang in there – keep the faith. God is working in ways far outside our view. Thanks for the prayers!!
I’m so sorry. The options don’t look ideal to me either. I would go for the surgery (which would be covered here where I live).
I found out that my baby had died a few days after Christmas, and miscarried on New Year’s eve and had to spend it at the ICU, due to the severe pain.
I don’t want to discourage you, just wanted to warn you that the operation would maybe be the best option or maybe the medication. You say that it would be painful, but a friend of mine who miscarried two weeks before me did take the meds and didn’t experience any significant pain.
I’m on the IVF train too and for the first time in my life I can’t wait for my menses. :D
And yes EVERYONE is pregnant. Can’t even read magazines, Prinses Kate, Kim Kardashian, Jenna Dewan that weird Whiz Khalifa’s girlfriend….I could go on, but then you would think that I’m celebrity addict, which I am not.^^
Good luck and I surely will think of you in my prayers this evening. Keep strong!
:( I am so so sorry for your loss. The pain is so real and I know your baby was so loved – that bond is instantaneous. Praying and wishing you the VERY BEST for your 1st IVF cycle! Stay positive, have no expectations and completely give it over. Keep in touch – I will be thinking of you! This is an exciting time! :)
Yes – pregnant celebs are everywhere!! I can’t help by think how many end up in our situations too that we never know about … infertility/miscarriages is such a hidden secret. We will be announcing our pregnancies soon and debuting our bump … just maybe not on the front cover of People. :)
Thanks for the prayers!!
Thank you for sharing your infertility story. I am heartbroken for you and your loss & will be praying for you as you go forward.
Thanks so much Jaimee … we grow stronger each day and the desire for a child just continues to increase. We will wait patiently. :)
Chels,
I loved that Ginny Owens song application. She has such a testimony! It is a fire. Beth Moore described Gold being refined through many layers of scraping/fire-burning and the Gold doesn’t even look appealing or precious until the layers are refined completely. It’s just black soot-like layers. She said we all have different layers and to pray about how Christ can mold us during those moments that hurt. Continued prayers during this firestorm. And praise God for your update! What a blessing to have Him work it out for your body’s good!
Love
Sarena
I love this! Such good solid words by Beth Moore. Thanks for passing that on! Thanks for all your support and prayers!
been there…..sigh. I am sorry. what a mess. My thoughts? Do a D and C…it just gets it over with. Bleeding is a few days…vs…..naturally waiting….I bled for over a month…miserable. Silver lining…you got pregnant. you have to find the one good thing to hold on too…..hang in there. PS – I have a link on my blog to yours….will you do the same?