My emotions have felt a little off this last week. As our FET gets closer and closer, I should be getting more and more excited, right? Instead, I feel like this time off has given me too much time to think, analyze, think some more. Someone told me with such joy the other day that “this will be it!” and it made me want to laugh in their face. I’m afraid this last week I have become a bit of a skeptic. I read a section from a book the other day and felt exactly like the TTC author:
“Before I could get away my friend patted me on the shoulder. “My husband and I are believing God for a miracle for you. You never know. Maybe you’ll be a modern day Sarah.” I suppressed an irritated response. How many times had I heard that? More than I could count. I was sick of it. Sick of Sarah, sick of begging God for a baby, sick of being told to just have faith…” (Empty Womb, Aching Heart)
It felt a little too close to home. I am not angry, I am just tired of it all. I am frustrated that we have to do this again. I am scared that the outcome will be the same as the others. I keep seeing families around me getting older, adding new members and I feel old. I never ever pictured hitting my 8 year anniversary in July without a family full of children. I feel as if this journey has aged me. This next cycle feels like I am buying a lottery card. I HOPE I will win the jackpot but I don’t actually BELIEVE it will happen. I no longer can picture myself pregnant, no longer can visual our baby nursery and the thought of thinking up cute baby names makes me irritated and sad now as so many get taken by fertile friends.
I feel like I have become so used to things not working out, that the thought that they might actually work out seems preposterous. Confession – I actually rolled my eyes while praying the other night about getting pregnant. It was an unintentional act that appalled me as soon as it happened. Where did my faith go? How come my heart has become so cautiously skeptical?
I keep having these awful dreams where I find out I am 6 weeks pregnant and in my dream, go into self sabotage mode to do everything I can to cause a miscarriage. In my dream I am certain it will happen and want to spare myself the pain of bonding with the baby and having it catch me off guard, as the bleeding always has. They are horrible and I wake up abruptly, sad and scared. Why is it that even my subconscious is prepared for the worst, but never the best? Where did my dreams go where I am holding my baby? Changing diapers and playing outside with diapered children? At a baby shower that is actually MINE? It feels like I can’t escape.
It seems my heart has settled on that fact that maybe this isn’t in the cards for me. And I hate that. I am clinging onto the hope of having a child, but I want the belief that it can happen to come back. I am starting shots again this Wednesday and want to be excited at this chance and opportunity to have a child, not dreading going through the painful motions to only end up empty again.
In life, we go through seasons of doubt and fear, hope and joy. It does bring me comfort just scrolling through this blog to remind myself I have been in this place before. A place of neutrality. A place where I am feeling desperate. And a little lost to be honest.
I continue to cry out to God and wrestle with Him for the answers that my heart is searching for. I have to turn over that fear, doubt, frustration, sadness, hurt and pain to Him. As a devotional stated, “It’s better to shout at Him than to be silent, better to call him unkind than not to call on Him at all.” It’s so true and I am thankful He is willing to listen.
It’s comforting to be in a place where I am reminded that God doesn’t expect me to love my infertility or be happy about this journey. It isn’t my place to compare what God has done for others with what He has done, will do or could do for me. I have to remember that my life’s purpose may be different than yours and trust that it’s all part of a larger picture, a puzzle that He can see the final result of. All He asks, is that when I have my days, or in this case, my week, that I bring it to Him. That I am honest with my doubt and frustrations because, well, He knows anyways.
It’s not easy. I keep seeing these miracles happening to all of those around me and I can’t help but wonder “Why not me?”. Why do they get another baby, when I am just asking for one? I feel weary. Which is when Matthew 11:28 comes to mind and sits on my heart: “Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”
This isn’t something I need to handle on my own. It isn’t a battle that I am left alone to fight. Infertility feels consuming, but only if I let it consume me. If I take my eyes off of the One that should be consuming me, then I have lost all perspective.
So I keep fighting. I keep praying. I keep begging. I don’t know what this next month will bring, but I can only trust that if God has brought Josh and me to this path, then He will walk with us along it. That we will not be burned. That He will never leave us.
So I turn to you – my dear friends and faithful readers – asking for prayer as well. Prayers that my heart will be softened to believe that this is possible. That the dreams will go away. That the start of the shots in 2 days brings excitement for our potential blessing opposed to indifference. I could use a little encouragement. Not the “well, my friends neighbors cousins didn’t even have FALLOPIAN TUBES and she got pregnant so if she could, you can!” kind of encouragement. But I need cheerleaders – scripture, words of hope and promise, anything to re-energize me for round 3. I need a little caffeine boost to my heart.
Trials Bring Joy 
You got it! Will be praying for you sweet girl!!! I admire your desire to follow God!! Your posts are always encouraging to me. He never leaves you or forsakes you!
Thanks so much for the encouragement and prayers! And reminder … that was a needed one today! <3
If we ask God “What is this trouble doing in my life?” Then we have not realized that the trouble we are suffering is acceptable to The Lord and should be acceptable to us. From Jill Briscoe’s Eight Choices that will Change a Woman’s Life. I actually read it in a quote in another book, but ANYWAY. I have been speaking this quote over and over because I know in my heart that I am not going through something that God is not allowing. If this is acceptable to Him, it is acceptable to me. It’s easy to pray for God to take away our suffering, but what is hard to remember is that during the darkest times we must remember to whom we belong and cling to His unwavering hand.
I just saw this was pending! So sorry! I love this message and clearly it was one I needed to read today, since it was hidden for so long! ” I know in my heart that I am not going through something that God is not allowing. If this is acceptable to Him, it is acceptable to me.” Those are POWERFUL words. Thank you for carry this message to me! XO!
Stupid funks. I’m so sorry your stuck in one. I would love nothing more than to be able to pull you out and lift you up while I sit in the miserable funk so you can breathe in and catch some happy hopeful air. I wish they would start bottling that. I would buy it by the case. I’m sending you tons of prayers and happy thoughts for this next round!! I will be right there with you in spirit the whole way! Love you!!!!! ((Big giant hugs))
You are such a sweetheart, willing to sit in my miserable funky air. That’s a real friend. Thank you so much. Love you!
I love that drawing. Good luck on the journey. Mine’s about to start soon, gulp.
Sending you big prayers for a fantastic IVF journey! I will have to follow along as well!!!
Oh how I have been there before! What got me through the first trimester (and our ttc journey) was Exodus 23:26 ‘There will be no miscarriages or infertility in your land, and I will give you long, full lives’. I spoke this over and over and over again. I didn’t know about this scripture when I miscarried but clung to it that it would never happen again. That even though we weren’t conceiving that there would be no infertility. I hope it helps you and I will be thinking and praying for you
Wow, what a POWERFUL verse that I hadn;t read. THANK YOU for that! I love that verse and will be speaking it as well WHEN I join you in pregnancy! Thank you so much for your thoughts, prayers. comment and love!
Wow I feel so similiar! We are on the same “path” as you but in a different order. Fresh IVF worked but had super early miscarriage, then we did FET, non successful. We are gearing up for another fresh early next month. I was reading your “WTF” happend post because I had the exact same questions!! I have mild PCOS and our embryos were all “perfect.” It gave me hope. But I too am a follower of Christ but have found myself in these moments of “low” saying “why pray?” I have been really torn on how to pray because obviously “please god, just 1” hasn’t worked so far. I went to church with my inlaws and saw a quote “Delay may not mean denial. Keep praying” It struck me. Just because God has delayed our request doesn’t mean he has officialy said no. Keep praying. If you haven’t heard it yet, go to you two and type in “worn” by 10th avenue north. It will encourage you :)
Holly – thank you for reading our blog and joining in our journey! I will be praying for you as you embark on this next fresh cycle and join you in believing that God hasn’t said no yet! I LOVE that song you suggested by the way! So good! I love that quote too, thanks for sharing! I hope that your prayers are answered this cycle!! XO!
It all stinks, the whole thing… but DIG DEEP, you’ve got the strength in you!
Thank you Julie! Just writing this made me feel stronger … tomorrow will be a better day! :)
I am so praying for you. I remember all these feelings you are experiencing. God has a PERFECT plan for you and your family.
“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”- Hebrews 13:8 I love this scripture because it is a reminder to me of God’s consistency and promises. He is the one who brings good, and also the one who brings trials. In those trials, we can trust He has a plan.
I also wanted to share a link that summed up part of a bible study I was doing in the midst of our infertility journey last year. It has verses that I focused on and just some things He was teaching me.
http://xoxothegranberrys.blogspot.com/2012/04/struggles.html
Thank you for those prayers! I am just so thankful you posted this today! And your BLOG! What a perfect, beautiful post that I needed to read today! “God has perfectly orchestrated every single moment to do good and not harm. Even when it’s hard to see.” I love that! Thank you for sharing, reading, writing and reminding … what a blessing you are!
Wow. It’s like I’m reading my notes. I am going to start round 2 of IVf and I feel the same way: What if? Can I handle it of it doesn’t? What will be the next step? I rolled my eyes the other day while looking up (at God) when this couple on tv found out they were pregnant. The man was worried his wife would get fat and the woman went in to “I’m 1 day pregnant and going to wear pjs all day and eat”.
“Really God? You’ll let them reproduce and not me”? Then I cracked up and thanked him for whatever he’s got for me. I’m sick of the, “we’ll you’ve got step kids isn’t that good”, “pray about it” (like I have annoyed God already) or the people that say: “we weren’t planning but just got pregnant”.
I have started working out. It gives my mind another place to focus on in the day instead of “baby, baby, baby”. I just need to stop my thoughts. Focus on now. Enjoy now. I don’t want to be like last year when all I did was think “what if” and I feel like I lost that part of my life.
Jeremiah 29:11 read it every day. Know that He wants nothing but the best for you.
You. Got. This!
Thank you so much Kyle! I hate how the devil knows just what heartstrings to pull to make us doubt God and His goodness! We are on to his schemes! NO MORE! Praying for you as you start your second IVF cycle and praying that your heart is filled with peace as you trust in Him. I agree that we can’t lose our life to this – we will overcome! XOXO!
Oh sweet friend! I am praying! I hate stupid funks :(
A verse that has really helped me over last month or two has been Hebrews 6:19…. “Hope is an anchor for the soul.” Continue to HOPE sweet girl and God will take care of the rest! I don’t know if you listened to this song that I posted a while back but I think it might be something for you to sing over and over right now… Here’s the link or just google “let hope in by daniel bashta” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5SWqNShtnY
Thank you so much Kailey! I love that verse and its so amazing to me that even though I KNOW so much of God’s truth and character, that the devil can still pull me down! NO WAY! No more! Thank you for the verse, reminder, and prayers! I am feeling so much better today and know these prayers made a difference!! Love ya! And LOVE THAT SONG!!!!
I walk in that pain, disillusionment, heartache at times. And I was given this verse last week as I asked the question: are there days when your heart just can’t seem to hope? Hab. 2:3- “for still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end–it will not lie. It seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.” Know your ache is not lost or without purpose. The mother He is forming in you will be a warrior for her children and His kingdom.
What a powerful verse that I had never read before … and I love this: “know your ache is not lost or without purpose.” Thank you for that reminder today and your prayers and encouragement. I really appreciate you!
I remember being in a place not to long ago (not about infertility, about something else) where my husband and I both sat down together and prayed something like this, “God, we cannot pray about this any more. Our hope is so low. We are becoming sarcastic in our prayers, bitter in our prayers. We need the Holy Spirit to take over for us for a while. We need him to come to you on our behalf.” That felt like such a low moment, but I think that God is okay with conversations like that. It doesn’t sounds like you’re there yet, but if you get there, it’s okay. The Holy Spirit will plead with God on your behalf…and so will we. Praying even now.
Also, I had forgotten that we had mutual friends until we had dinner with the Tauchers the other night and Kelly mentioned you. I had completely forgotten that they are the ones who introduced me to your blog in the first place. That’s neither here nor there, but I just thought I’d mention it.
Such a beautiful prayer though. I feel like that honesty and rawness is exactly what God calls us to do and come to Him with – our honesty, our brokeness, and our souls. Such a great reminder that we have the Holy Spirit as an intercessor for us when we simply can’t pray ourselves. I love that.
That is so funny! I didn’t know that we shared mutual friends! I am actually meeting Kelly today for lunch! What a small world! How fun! Maybe one day our paths will cross at a baby shower. :)
That would be really cool…and rather ironic. (-:
:)