When an opening came up for the topic of secondary infertility in this series, Krystle connected right away and offered to help, and goodness, I am so glad she did because this piece had me in tears! 

For those who haven’t heard of secondary infertility before, it’s the inability to become pregnant or to carry a baby to term after previously giving birth to a baby. Secondary infertility could be difficulty conceiving your second child or your fifth.

Her story exudes the pain and confusion that secondary infertility causes and yet the hope and faithfulness of Jesus who writes our stories better than we could have planned. Krystle, I am SO thankful we connected for this and you are able to share your story of What It’s Like.

Friends, enjoy!

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Our story with secondary infertility includes some of the darkest days of my life.  Many days I wondered when the sun would shine in my heart again, but what I’m hoping to highlight by sharing our story, is that while it was overwhelmingly difficult, and the weeping felt like it lasted for endless evenings – the hope and promise of “joy in the morning” we find in scripture is true.

So what’s it like experiencing secondary infertility? Whew, the question alone feels heavy. Here’s just a small highlight roll of some of the struggles we experienced from a practical perspective.

• Frequently hearing, “Why don’t you just adopt? I know so and so who started the adoption process and then got pregnant right away!” Important side note: Adoption is not a solution for infertility’s wounds. It’s a wonderful way God uses brokenness to put together families, but it’s not for everyone.
• Fielding questions from strangers like, “When are you going to give her (our daughter) a sibling?” Or after repeated miscarriages, patiently smiling through (well-meaning) platitudes of “It just wasn’t meant to be” or “It’ll happen when you least expect it”.
• Waking your toddler up at 6am to tag along for early am, 50 mile-round trips multiple times a week to fertility appointments (it’s not always easy to ask for childcare help that early in the morning and that frequently and often with just hours’ notice).
• Feeling guilty that you should “just be enjoying the blessing of the child you have”, all while trying to hide the tears when that same child cries at night for a sibling.
• Struggling with wanting to isolate yourself from others because you’re just flat out weary of answering the “How’s the fertility stuff going?” question with the same “Not yet” response each month.

My husband and I talked early and often about starting our family. Because of a family history and inconsistent cycles, I figured we might have a harder time conceiving. So, we decided together to start “trying” for a family about 2 years into marriage. After months turned into over a year, we were recommended to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility doc). Once we got up the courage, our Dr. was able to assess things and get us on track to conceive only 3 months after meeting him. Fast forward to today, and we have a precious 4.5 year old (‘cause the half is important, ya know!) daughter. She is our delight and joy. Now, after all the early days of sleeplessness and sheer exhaustion began to wane, we started talking about continuing to grow our family.

While the months of “trying” stretched on for us, we figured we just needed a little extra help again. Back we went to our doctor, who recommended a procedure that we had gone through before conceiving our daughter. Now just a couple months back into the game, I went through the procedure, and that following month I conceived. We were shocked and thrilled! But that thrill was short-lived after some testing revealed I was expected to miscarry. At that time, I had heard the statistic that 1 in 4 women will miscarry; I had read the countless stories of tear-filled mommas who had gripped their bellies with the hope of life only to see it fade away from reality. I knew that thought is never far from a new momma’s mind, still, we clung to the promises and sought to hold that little life with open hands. And while I tried to prepare my heart for the worst, once the little life inside me slipped away I realized one can never fully prepare for the emotions that come.

After giving my body a little time to heal, we jumped back in with a new plan and renewed hope (if you’ve walked through infertility you know that cycle of excited hope, anticipation during the two-week wait, and disappoint when it doesn’t happen – all too well). Well, four months later we were pregnant again! Then just a few weeks later, on the eve of our 6th wedding anniversary we found ourselves grieving over another child we didn’t get to meet. We hugged our JG a little closer and pressed on, weary but still very hopeful.

Fast forward to the nearly 3-year mark of praying, hoping and waiting, we had completed our 14^th (yes, 14!) and final IUI. I know this gives some people early in their wait heart palpitations! BUT before you go and allow your heart to fear, please keep in mind the reason we did so many, is simply because every genetic test, procedure, ultrasound, and (many!) blood tests had come back completely normal. Our doctor always expressed that he believed it would happen again for us, and my husband’s insurance was very comprehensive. Additionally, each cycle was “perfect” medically speaking.

Throughout these exhausting months, and multiple miscarriages we always sought to press on in trusting the Lord’s timing and the wisdom He gave to our doctor. But then came the point, where it was clear my body couldn’t keep up with the physically and emotionally exhaustive treatments. It was our personal decision to not move forward with IVF, and so we made the difficult, but confident decision to stop everything.

It took approximately 1,095 days, achieving pin cushion status, countless negative tests, the mourning of precious lives lost in between, every bit of the Holy Spirit’s help and a whole village of people praying for us, but we finally arrived at a place of peace and acceptance. It was a long season of wrestling, waiting, listening, hoping, and ultimately surrendering. Good, but hard soul-work that has yielded an intimacy with Christ that we wouldn’t trade for the world.

But our story doesn’t end there. When I pause and reflect on where secondary-infertility has brought us today. There’s no denying that the providence of my unfulfilled desire to carry another child has brought us to hearts pregnant with the hope of another child who will not share our DNA; yet, was always meant for us and us for him, from the beginning of time. We are just months away from traveling to meet our son in China. That’s right! All the years of heartache weren’t without purpose, they led us straight to our son.

Unexplained infertility would have never been our plan to bring us to our son (and it’s not always the answer for everyone walking the same road), but here we are, and I find myself unable to thank God enough for His infinite wisdom and for allowing us this front-row seat to watch Him work in details big and small.

Now, for those still in the wait, still longing with the worst anticipation to see their wombs and arms filled with life, I only have so many words I can share here, but in case you’re grasping for some hope right now, I wrote a post here to encourage others. If you feel so led, please take a moment to read. You are beautiful sister, and your identity is not wrapped up in being a mother – or not. God is faithful to help you bloom where you are planted right now. Keep pressing on and fighting the fight of faith!

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Hello new friends, I’m Krystle from the Great Lake State of Michigan!  I’m the devoted and thankful wife to JB, momma to one precious 4 year old little girl and a son on the way via adoption from China. The hubs and I live an ordinary life, “content to fill a little space if thou be glorified”. We look forward to seeing what story God writes as we live out a life of obedience and surrendering of our best laid plans to “Nevertheless” not our will, but His be done. I started chronicling our journey and what God is doing in her hearts along the way here. Come on over, we’d love to meet you!

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PS – Don’t miss a thing with this series! Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to catch each of the upcoming stories! I absolutely LOVE connecting with each of you! 

PPS – If you’re ever looking for a devotional on living life while in a waiting season, check out the devotional I co-authored called ‘In the Wait’!

PPPS – Check out the other contributions from this series, including What It’s Like: to experience multiple IVF cycles, raise a child with special needs, use an egg donor, be a DIY-er and home style blogger , be a NICU nurse,  Live fully in singleness while still hoping for marriage, suffer with endometriosis. experience depression, start a company, have a micro preemie,  lose a parent, be childless not by choice, have a spouse with a chronic illness, fund raise for fertility treatments, have a traumatic birthing experience, take a natural route with infertility,  be on a reality show, go through the adoption process, have male factor infertility,be a stay at home mom, be an entertainer,  be given a Down syndrome diagnosis for your child , experience multiple miscarriages, have a surrogate, experience a late pregnancy stillbirth, be a police officers wife, be a working mom , be a breastfeeding mother, have weight loss surgery, donate and adopt an embryo,  be on a reality show, go through the fostering process, throw a themed dinner party , have PCOS, have had a cancer diagnosis, be a high school teacher,love someone who’s experiencing infertility be a step-parent and be the husband in a couple experiencing infertility. Stay tuned for many other amazing topics to come every Tuesday and Friday here!

Today’s featured What It’s Like writer is none other than my husband, Josh. Words can’t express the deep impact his words made on my heart. “So what would you think about writing something for my blog ….” I asked him months ago. “I’ll do it.” he responded, and I had no idea what he would write, or what he would share. And yet, his words below give me, and many of you, an inside peek at what it’s like to be him…the husband in a couple that is struggling with infertility.

A peek inside of the male mind … inside the mind of someone who has stood by me in 13+ years of marriage and 10 years of infertility …. someone who has lost just as many babies as I have …. who has gone to the appointments … who has administered the shots … who has been through it all with me. Today we get to hear from him. I am so proud of his words below and pray you walk away encouraged.

Josh, honey, I love you and I am so proud to be your wife. 

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I still remember the day.  The day after Christmas 2012.  I was at work, in my office.  Chelsea had just told me that our beta numbers were not good, and the pregnancy that we both rejoiced for was over, the bleeding was indeed a miscarriage.  The gifts we opened the day before, the mom and dad onesies, would not be worn. It was over.  I tried to breathe.  How was I going to make it from my office to my home?  I had to talk to people.  I had to drive.  I had to choke back the imminent tears so I could commute safely.  It was early afternoon, still long before it was time for me to leave, but today it was time for me to go.

I work in the same office as my father.  I emailed him “Chelsea’s numbers went down. The pregnancy is no longer. I can’t talk about it right now, so please don’t ask.” Any other day breathing was second nature, but suddenly I found each breath very intentional, holding back emotions with each slow breath.  I went home to be with Chelsea, and found her lying in a dark room, with worship music playing and tears flowing.

I didn’t know what to do.  How do we move forward?

Many men traveling the infertility journey have no idea how to deal with their emotions, and I was one of them.  I saw this poem around that time, and it really spoke to me.

A Father’s Grief – by Eileen Knight Hagemeister 

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief.
Since “men don’t cry” and “men are strong”
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test.
And field calls and visitors
So that she can get some rest.

They always ask if she’s alright
And what she’s going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
“My friend, how are you?”

He hears her cry in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
And dries her tears and comforts her
But “stays strong” for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

I struggled.  How can I be strong for Chelsea, while also dealing with my own emotions? It’s like Chelsea and I were navigating a journey blindfolded, except I was getting a piggy back ride from her; along for the ride on this blinded journey, but with less feeling of control or understanding.

Naturally I only speak for myself, but I feel like this is probably a pretty common feeling for most men.  We feel the stumbles on the piggy back ride, the falls, the fear, and yet we feel an utter lack of control as well.  Both in direction, and also our emotions.  We feel the losses, the figurative prick of every needle, the fear of every bathroom visit, the gagging while choking down the pills.  We feel the rejoicing in the wins, and the heartbreak of the losses.  And the hardest part, we are solvers, and we can’t do a thing to solve this.

And then we had another miscarriage. And another. I couldn’t fix this.

I felt lost, however over the decade in which we tried to have kids, I found one thing that consistently help me.

Prayer. Talking to God. Sharing my lack of control with the One who has control.

Mic drop.

I prayed every morning on my way to the gym.  I prayed on the way to work.  I prayed with Chelsea every night, and I leaned into God through prayer every time I could.  Sometimes I would just play a song and sing it in my head as a prayer (Need You Now by Plumbwas often my go-to).  I would love to say I had some sort of 3 step method for all men out there, but here is the thing: navigating the infertility road pretty much requires men to often act and react in ways that are foreign to them and that’s why we need Jesus.

My advice for all husbands out there: Pray. Express to God how you feel.  Pray about the hope you want to have.  Pray about losses, the wins, the understanding you want to have for your wife and how to support her.  Pray for the pain to subside and for the doctors to figure out what did and didn’t work.  Pray for the medications to work, the babies to grow.  Pray for anything and everything. Don’t keep things pent up. Share them with God because I learned just how much He cares. It doesn’t have to be the perfect words. He understands.

We have seen so many things on our journey.  Miscarriages, tests with one line and two lines, shots, pills, ultrasounds, weeping and laughter.  We have been up, down, tossed around, and at times, felt like we were losing our minds.  But the one thing that always seemed to help me deal with the ups and downs was my faith and prayer.

It is difficult to be the husband, wife, parent to, or any other person affected by infertility.  It’s an unfair journey that too many have to travel.  Being a husband on this journey is a lonely road, full of many emotions many men are not ready or equipped to handle.

Take it to God and the Creator of life, the Creator of the lives you hope to cherish one day, will help you navigate the lost feeling and journey that is infertility.

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Josh is the proud husband of Chelsea, creator of this blog, and Dad to his long-awaited for miracle twins Kirsten and Logan. He resides in Minnesota and enjoys hunting and golfing in his free time. He prides himself in a well timed joke and is always up for a competition of some sort. He is grateful for the story that God has given Him even through the ups and downs. 

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PS – Don’t miss a thing with this series! Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to catch each of the upcoming stories! I absolutely LOVE connecting with each of you! 

PPS – If you’re ever looking for a devotional on living life while in a waiting season, check out the devotional I co-authored called ‘In the Wait’!

PPPS – Check out the other contributions from this series, including What It’s Like: to experience multiple IVF cycles, raise a child with special needs, use an egg donor, be a DIY-er and home style blogger , be a NICU nurse,  Live fully in singleness while still hoping for marriage, suffer with endometriosis. experience depression, start a company, have a micro preemie,  lose a parent, be childless not by choice, have a spouse with a chronic illness, fund raise for fertility treatments, have a traumatic birthing experience, take a natural route with infertility,  be on a reality show, go through the adoption process, have male factor infertility,be a stay at home mom, be an entertainer,  be given a Down syndrome diagnosis for your child , experience multiple miscarriages, have a surrogate, experience a late pregnancy stillbirth, be a police officers wife, be a working mom , be a breastfeeding mother, have weight loss surgery, donate and adopt an embryo,  be on a reality show, go through the fostering process, throw a themed dinner party , have PCOS, have had a cancer diagnosis, be a high school teacher,love someone who’s experiencing infertility and be a step-parent. Stay tuned for many other amazing topics to come every Tuesday and Friday here!

I remember meeting Jonna years ago in our workplace and boy, am I glad I did! She is full of vibrant life and wisdom and truly someone I admire! I am so thankful for her willingness to share her story today on what it’s like to be a step-parent. Her loving attitude and honesty is appreciated and I know you’ll walk away wishing she was your own Ms. Jonna…or at least your therapist! :) Love ya friend, thanks for sharing! 

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Mom is always a titled I wanted.  I thought I would be just like my mom, 4 kiddos by the time I was 30 years old.  Well, 30 came and went, as did 31, 32, 33, and then at 34 the unexpected happened; an 8-year-old girl named Jaylee and a 10-year-old boy named Hunter, let me marry their dad.  Well, to be honest Hunter first made me eat grits first. They are from the south, and he thought that was an important rite of passage. Then, just like that, I went from being a single 30-something to a “step-mom” of two! Jaylee likes to calls me her “2nd Mom” and I have never been so honored, although they actually call me Ms. Jonna 95% of the time (again it’s a southern thing).  Before I share more of my story, I want to say it is my story and everyone’s process on becoming a step-parent is different, not right or wrong, just different. If I compared myself to other step-parents or moms in general, on a consistent basis, let me tell you I would be one hot mess. It is not worth it!  Grow and learn from others, but do you and figure out what works the best for you and your family.   

There are few things I feel I must acknowledge that has made my journey of being a “2nd Mom”/step-mom/co-parent a wonderful life growing experience for me.  First, I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and prior to meeting my husband and his children I sat with many blended families.  This helped me to have somewhat reasonable expectations, but also made me talk with Eli, my husband, prior to marrying him about both of our parenting expectations.  He will tell you he had to take every personality test known to mankind, which is true. However, it was easy to see that our values about parenting and what my role in parenting would be were aligned.  For me I knew I could not move forward in our relationship if I was not supported as an active co-parent when Jaylee and Hunter with us.  This made things a lot easier for me, as I knew I would always have his support when it came to how I parented even if it was different than his approach at times.

The other part that I cannot acknowledge enough is that Jaylee and Hunter’s mom has always supported my relationship with them…huge.  We text each, send pictures to each other, she supports my time with the them even if Eli is away for military training.  I know without her support my relationship would not be where it is at today with Jaylee (12) and Hunter (15).  I know this alone makes my step-parenting experience unique, but I hope it can also be helpful to other families that might be in similar situation that it is possible.  I would add while I am actively involved, I also am respectful of the fact that I am not the final decision maker. Meaning, ultimately for bigger decisions, it is up to Eli and the kids mom to work through the details and come to an agreement.  I support that process but I chose not to be actively involved out of deep respect for their parenting decisions.

Most of my friends tell me how lucky the kids are to have me.  Well, that it is an amazing compliment but let me tell you, with all seriousness, I am the “lucky” one.  I was talking to a friend recently who went through an extremely difficult season with me in my 20s.  I remembered being in that season where I struggled accepting where my life was at versus where I thought it “should” be, which I would now define as grief.  However, as I gave myself permission to let go and grieve what I thought my story “should” look like and focused on allowing a different, possibly better story to happen, my perspective shifted, as did my theology.  I became less judgmental, more accepting. I let go of some pride, focused on learning how to be where I was rather than always on where I wanted to be, and became simple became open to all the possibilities of life.  Now, please do not think I have arrived or perfected the art of living this way, but I would say doing some of this work prior to meeting my new family was needed or my heart would have never been opened to this being my story.

I have now been married to Eli for 4 years.  My relationship with Jaylee (12) is so special. Jaylee has reminded me to be care-free, to be confident in who I am, to be strong, but also to be sweet.  She has reminded me how awful middle school can be, as we both will say she is in survival mode.  We love our trips to Target and Starbucks and friends if you thought I talked a lot she puts me to shame.  She is creative and we both are obsessed with Pinterest. Now, when I found out I was pregnant with a girl, I worried about Jaylee and how she would respond once the baby was born. She was not very excited about the pregnancy, to say the least.  However, I made the conscious decision that once the baby, Felicity, was born I would not force any interactions and let Jaylee get to know her sister in her own time and way.  I still remember the day that Jaylee made a fort in her room and that she let Fefe hangout in there with her.  I felt at that moment they became sisters. The more I get to know Jaylee (we are always getting to know each other, right?) the more I learn to pace with her rather than me set the pace. For example, I took her school shopping and last night she looked up at me from the living room floor and said “Ms. Jonna I love you.” Maybe it is because I bought her new clothes, but this girl loves quality time and she reminds me how important it is to slow down and invest my time with her, she is so worth it.  

Hunter Dean is what we call the challenger of the family.  He is a deep thinker, even though it might not be cool to admit it.  For example, have you ever played the game “Would you rather”?  Well, you ask each other questions like “Would you rather eat 10 pizzas or 10 tubs of ice cream?”, usually silly questions like that. However, one day Hunter was with me and my dad and his question was “Would you rather take out Isis or have prevented 9/11 from happening?”  What??  Obviously, a military kid, and after some intense dialogue he said he would have prevented 9-11 so his Dad wouldn’t have been gone so much. Now that’s intense, but we have conversations like this all the time and I love it.  He is also the most affectionate teenager I have ever met and even more he is confident about being that way.  One of my favorite parts about Hunter is he will be doing something completely independent from the rest of us and stop to say “I love you”. Every time he or Jaylee tell me this, I know this was the story I was meant to have…to be in their lives and to have them in mine. Hunter loves trying to beat his Dad in anything, thinks it is hilarious when I try to play video games, and we love to be goofy together.  It has been amazing to watch him grow from a boy to becoming a young man these past few years.  He now offers to help do things around the house and his current goal is to play LaCrosse professionally or become a Lawyer. I personally think he would drive me crazy as a Lawyer due to his annoying talent to persist in his arguments, it is exhausting. He is now several inches taller than me and opens jars for me. We talk about everything or at least I think we talk about most things. He came to me the other night stating, “Ms. Jonna, I don’t understand girls”. We talked for almost three hours but I said I don’t understand them myself and I am one, but that’s what makes us so great, right?

Now, do we fight? Yes.  Have we made each other cry? Yes.  Do they roll their eyes at me? Yes.  Do I roll my eyes at them? Yes! We are still a family with our ups and downs and trying to figure out how to parent them in each stage they go through.  I told them I was writing this article and asked them what advice they would give a step-parent.  They both said they would tell other step-parents to be involved and treat them like they were theirs.  Now, as I stated earlier, I am a therapist and I have worked with a lot of children/teenagers where this is not necessarily what they would want.  However, I have found asking them questions like this makes them feel that their voice is important and that they get a say in how their family system looks.  We are now in the teenager years/toddler years and I often find myself saying “Ufta”, drinking more coffee than ever before, and falling asleep before I ever actually finish a cocktail.  It is not always easy, but I could not love Jaylee and Hunter more and I am so thankful for them being in my story and letting me be in theirs.

With Gratitude,

Jonna aka Ms. Jonna aka 2nd Mom aka Mom

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Jonna is creative therapist, entrepreneur of ideas, and thinks she is either a 7 or a 4 on the Enneagram.  She has been married to Eli for 4 years, and a co-parent to Jaylee (12) and Hunter (15). Jonna and Eli’s baby girl, Felicity Brave, is now 2 ½ years old.  She enjoys renovating, meaningful relationships, and self-growth. As of this month she is opening her own private practice in Portage, Michigan. You can connect with her at @eandjrenovate or @bravecounseling_coaching

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PS – Don’t miss a thing with this series! Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to catch each of the upcoming stories! I absolutely LOVE connecting with each of you! 

PPS – If you’re ever looking for a devotional on living life while in a waiting season, check out the devotional I co-authored called ‘In the Wait’!

PPPS – Check out the other contributions from this series, including What It’s Like: to experience multiple IVF cycles, raise a child with special needs, use an egg donor, be a DIY-er and home style blogger , be a NICU nurse,  Live fully in singleness while still hoping for marriage, suffer with endometriosis. experience depression, start a company, have a micro preemie,  lose a parent, be childless not by choice, have a spouse with a chronic illness, fund raise for fertility treatments, have a traumatic birthing experience, take a natural route with infertility,  be on a reality show, go through the adoption process, have male factor infertility,be a stay at home mom, be an entertainer,  be given a Down syndrome diagnosis for your child , experience multiple miscarriages, have a surrogate, experience a late pregnancy stillbirth, be a police officers wife, be a working mom , be a breastfeeding mother, have weight loss surgery, donate and adopt an embryo,  be on a reality show, go through the fostering process, throw a themed dinner party , have PCOS, have had a cancer diagnosis, be a high school teacher, and love someone who’s experiencing infertility. Stay tuned for many other amazing topics to come every Tuesday and Friday here!

This What It’s Like post will have a short introduction, because truthfully, there aren’t words on my end. Today my own sister is sharing what it was like to be her while we went through our infertility journey; what it was like to love us in the midst of our sorrows and endless attempts to start a family. Her words are powerful and make my heart tender. Above all, I am so grateful for her willingness to share and allow us into her heart. Sis, thank you, I love you and we are forever thankful for your support, prayers, and love from beginning to His ending.

PS – My sister just launched a GORGEOUS Etsy shop with stunning name prints for children (and adults!). You have to check it out and snag one for a little one in your life! 

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Today, this conversation is for all the support people of those experiencing infertility. It’s just a snippet of my experience as a sister to someone experiencing infertility. Your story will be different, but here is mine. 

The biggest thing I have learned throughout this road, is to love somebody with infertility, you go on a journey of your own. Your own grief, your own experiences, your own emotions. Your journey is valid. The pain is just as real, though experienced in a different way, the triumphs are just as glorious, though experienced from a different vantage point.

So we will back up to the beginning of this journey, briefly, because all stories need a beginning!

I was just fifteen when Josh and Chelsea got married. I had my learner’s permit for driving, was navigating the start of college searching, and just got my braces off. To say Chelsea and I were in different life stages is an understatement!

A few years into their marriage the questions from family and friends started popping up, “So when are you going to try and start a family?” (I have learned this is such a tender, tender question.) From my memory, there was talk about pills helping, and medical treatments here and there. They were having some difficulty, but were hopeful. Those early years of their journey are a blur in my memory. Partly because I really had no clue about fertility. And frankly, the topic was a bit embarrassing so I kind of blocked it out; what teenager actually likes talking about periods?!

I am most thankful for the day when Chelsea and Josh courageously stepped out to share about the infertility they were facing. To everyone who is experiencing infertility, I can’t tell you how thankful I was to know that this was a thing, and that people I loved were walking the road. When I learned the facts, I started to truly understand their hearts, and started feeling the pain of their empty arms. It was a lot to swallow as a sister. And it took me a while to process it all.

Early on, I didn’t really know what to say. I didn’t know how to address or communicate what I felt. I wanted to make their pain go away. I wanted it to all be fixed. Can’t this all be fixed? In my experience, this may be one of the most difficult places to be as a support person. The complete lack of control. It’s so hard to see loved ones go through something trying. So hard. So, if you’re there today, I get it.

As a support person, there were seasons I felt helpless. And that helplessness more often than not led me into my own head. I didn’t know how to process the pain, the miscarriages, the failed cycles. I didn’t want to feel the emotion of grief and loss. This was my sister and brother-in-law. These were my future nieces/nephews. Not only was I feeling the grief for them, I was feeling it for myself, too. As a family, we were all grieving in some way after failed cycles/miscarriages. Looking back, I realize that support people need support themselves during these events. Because grief exempts no one.

Reflecting on this journey is difficult for me, and still brings up emotions of grief. Because nearly ten years of seeing my sister and brother-in-law go through repeated loss, and processing it myself, is still hard. It still has the most tender of emotions attached to it. Infertility is painful, and to love people who are going through it, is raw.

My biggest coping mechanism was prayer and journalling. And for all of you who cry out to God and ask, “Why…?” I have been there. Pages and pages and pages of being there. For all of you who feel anger surrounding infertility, I get that, too.

But woven so deeply throughout this journey were undeniable moments of God’s presence and reassurance. Songs on the radio boasting of God’s faithfulness. Sermons on Sundays reminding me that trials bring joy. Quiet times with God where verses spoke into their situation perfectly. So in the midst of the hurt, God was still there. Quietly, and sometimes boldly, reminding my heart: There’s hope. I am still good. Continue to have faith. There were times I doubted that biological children were in the cards for them. Times I felt foolish for believing “this cycle is going to be the one”. I wrestled with God. I learned about His heart for the hurting, that infertility was never a part of His original plan, and it broke His heart more than it did mine. I learned so much about God’s compassion, so much about my own heart, so much about perseverance. About faith, mourning with those who mourn, and the ministry of presence. 

To say my faith was tested is an understatement. And to say my faith matured is also an understatement. Support people have just as much opportunity to dig into God’s strength as do the person/couple experiencing infertility. Chelsea’s infertility journey brought with it a unique experience for me to learn how to be in a trial for a long time, and yet, to still have hope in a God who can do anything, who loves incomprehensibly, and who asks us to pray without ceasing. I was an outsider looking in, yet connected intimately to the heart of my sister; experiencing her infertility from a different perspective, but still feeling the high of the highs and the low of the lows.

The morning of their final IVF cycle, I blared “Miracles” by Jesus Culture at work, and pleaded with God, “This cycle has to work.” And so my heart sang a song, like it did so many times before during their other important medical appointments, I believe in You, I believe in You, You’re the God of miracles. You are the same. Yesterday. Today. And forever.

And once again, I allowed my heart to be completely vulnerable before God and fully believe that God was capable. He was going to allow them to conceive. It was in the cards. And just like all of the other times before, peace settled in my spirit. Because no matter what the outcome was, God was still God and He was still good. He loved Chelsea and Josh more than I could imagine. He intimately knew how deep their desire was to have a child. And most importantly, He had the absolute best for their lives, even if had another painful outcome.

To love somebody with infertility is stretching. It changed the way I viewed conceiving. It allowed me to empathize with friends who either said, “I got my period” or “I didn’t get my period”. I now understand how both can be devastating for someone TTC.

It also significantly impacted me and my husband’s decision to try for children soon after we got married. As newlyweds, we could have tried for kids in a couple of years. But Chelsea’s and Josh’s story impacted me beyond words. It taught me time is so precious. And this baby boy I am carrying now is the biggest blessing I have ever received. I have not been 1 in 8 for our first pregnancy; and this overwhelms my heart with gratitude. 

To love somebody with infertility is to let their story change you. And that is the best way I know how to honor Chelsea, Josh, and all my little nieces and nephews laughing and dancing at the feet of Jesus.

What God has done and has continued to do in Chelsea’s and Josh’s life floors me, and I am so humbled to witness their journey from the perspective of a sister. The ministry that has been birthed out of infertility is ironic, but not surprising for a God who redeems all things: Even in death, God brings about life. 

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Courtney is married to her supportive husband, Dave, and they currently live in the Twin Cities. She recently opened up an Etsy shop CourtneyJoyDesigns and is finding so much joy in living out her passion of art and encouraging others! Her relationship to God is her solid foundation, and puns, coffee, and potatoes make life something special. 

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PS – Don’t miss a thing with this series! Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to catch each of the upcoming stories! I absolutely LOVE connecting with each of you! 

PPS – If you’re ever looking for a devotional on living life while in a waiting season, check out the devotional I co-authored called ‘In the Wait’!

PPPS – Check out the other contributions from this series, including What It’s Like: to experience multiple IVF cycles, raise a child with special needs, use an egg donor, be a DIY-er and home style blogger , be a NICU nurse,  Live fully in singleness while still hoping for marriage, suffer with endometriosis. experience depression, start a company, have a micro preemie,  lose a parent, be childless not by choice, have a spouse with a chronic illness, fund raise for fertility treatments, have a traumatic birthing experience, take a natural route with infertility,  be on a reality show, go through the adoption process, have male factor infertility,be a stay at home mom, be an entertainer,  be given a Down syndrome diagnosis for your child , experience multiple miscarriages, have a surrogate, experience a late pregnancy stillbirth, be a police officers wife, be a working mom , be a breastfeeding mother, have weight loss surgery, donate and adopt an embryo,  be on a reality show, go through the fostering process, throw a themed dinner party , have PCOS, have had a cancer diagnosis, and be a high school teacher. Stay tuned for many other amazing topics to come every Tuesday and Friday here!

As I have transitioned into motherhood, I have realized that my quiet times look a lot different now then they used to. Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful that my time is more interrupted by toddler needs, but I have had to readjust what my time with Jesus looks like in this new season.

Before K & L arrived, I was able to spend a luxurious amount of time in the Word. Journaling, praying, worshiping, doodling, reading. It filled my soul and my relationship with Him was my saving grace in surviving infertility and pregnancy loss.

I recently was asked to share a bit in a small group about how my quiet times have changed now that I am in the chaotic throws of motherhood and while none of this is likely new information to you, it was helpful to remind myself of how accessible God is and how quiet time doesn’t have to look a perfect way for it to be valuable. So, I thought I would share some thoughts with you below!

First of all, keep in mind, if you are a believer, then you are in a personal relationship with God. Key word – relationship! This isn’t a set of rules to follow or things to check off your list …. it’s about a partnership, an intimate friendship, and getting to know one another. Quiet time, prayer, Bible reading … it’s all part of growing that relationship. Relationships aren’t one sided. You don’t meet your spouse at the alter, get married, and then never really talk again. If you only checked in with your spouse on Sunday’s, you would be missing out on so much of the intimacy that makes marriage what it is! If you only talk about big picture things, you miss out on enjoying the small details of life with your partner. Jesus wants to engulf you with His love and presence and we have to slow down enough to meet Him.

Quiet Time – this is going to look different in different seasons. For me right now, my quiet time is scattered throughout the day. I do wake up early, before the kiddos, and intentionally try to start my day with some time in the Word.

My overall goals that help me with consistency and follow through:

• Pick a place – free from distractions, comfortable, have my Bible, journal, book, etc already waiting there for me.
• Schedule the time – will seem like a sacrifice at first, start with 10-15 minutes. It doesn’t have to be a HUGE chunk of time. I found when I put the pressure on to make it a big ordeal, it didn’t happen. And while it feels like a sacrifice at first, you will start to see how filled you are afterwards and you will crave this time of peace and community with Him!
• Figure out your format and activities. If I only have a short time, I always start in the Word. Pick a Bible verse (YouVersion has a great verse of the day!), or read a chapter from a book in the Bible. If you have more time, include prayer, read a page or two from a Christian growth book, or journal. (I like to write out my prayers because it keeps me focused!). I really like resources like Lara Casey’s Write the Word. Change things up! Some days it sitting in silence listening to worship music. Other days its Bible journaling a verse that I am meditating on. It’s okay to change it from day to day.
• Be disciplined, even when you don’t feel like it. If you miss your morning time, make it up in the evening. This will help you form the habit and the habit will help you form the relationship.

Devotionals I really like:

• Encouragement for Today – Swope, TerKeurst, Evilsizer
• A Little God Time for Women– 365 Daily Devotions (also available for couples, mothers, etc.)
• Pressing Pause – 100 Quiet Moments for Moms to Meet with Jesus by Karen Ehman and Ruth Schwenk
• 31 Days of Prayer for the Dreamer and the Doer by Jenn Sprinkle and Kelly Rucker
• In the Wait, co-authored by yours truly! :)
• Studies by Beth Moore, Angie Smith, Priscilla Shirer

Books:

• Finding Faith in the Dark by Laurie Short
• The Uncommon Woman by Susie Larson
• Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver
• Power of a Praying Parent/Wife/Woman by Stormie Omartian

• Crazy Love by Francis Chan
• Weird by Craig Groeschel … actually anything by him
• Crash the Chatterbox and Sun Stands Still by Steven Furtick
• Anything by Lysa TerKeurst 
• Circle Maker by Mark Batterson

Quiet Time Journals and Prayer Resources:

• Write the Word journals by Lara Casey 
• Prayer Journal by Val Marie Paper
• Journaling Bible for illustrated entries or note taking

Online Tools + Apps:

• Daily Proverbs 31 Ministry emails 
• She Reads Truth app
• You Version Bible app
  • Reading plans
  • Audio capabilities for scripture

Favorite Bibles

• ESV Study Bible
• ESV leather journaling Bible – an investment forever!
• Translations I like: NIV, NLT, Message only if in used to supplement another translation

Around the House:

• Post a prayer request page above frequently used areas (changing table, kitchen sink, office space, bathroom mirror)
• Have a Bible verse framed by your sink. Change verses as you memorize and hit new seasons.
• Post It’s in your car by steering wheel with verses
• Post any of these free printables and post them in a seen spot. examples: 10 Powerful Prayers to help you fight for the heart of your son/daughter/marriage
• Join an Bible study for accountability (online options at Proverbs 31 Ministries, Bible Study Fellowship, connect with your church)
• Use a 5-year journal for tracking top 3 prayer requests each day. Write at the end of your night to free your mind.
• Spotify worship playlists
• Adult Bible Verse Coloring Pages – Beauty in the Bible by Paige Tate
• Listen to podcasts! I like Craig Groeschel, Andy Stanley, and my own church, Eagle Brook and listen to them regularly. Focus on the Family also has a great channel.

At the end of the day, I find myself doing a little of all throughout the day. I spend time memorizing a verse over bottle washing. I turn on worship music and we sing as we drive. I pray, out loud, with the kids as we change diapers for the names of the people we have posted about the changing table. I spend time in the morning reading the daily devotional in bed from Proverbs 31, or pressing play on an audio reading of scripture from my Bible app while throwing on my makeup. I close my eyes in the bathtub and sit in silence and listen to Him, not expecting to hear an audible voice, but instead a prompting that isn’t from me. I keep a prayer journal in my purse and write down a request a friend shares with me over coffee or pull it out when in a long Starbucks line.

I personally like mornings best for my study time, but that’s because I am too tired by the end of the night to really engage. Others love nighttime devotional time because it gets their mind refocused before they go to sleep. Find what works for you and then just do it.

Am I perfect with this? NO! I get in slumps and bad habits and hit snooze instead of getting up. However, I notice a significant difference in everything when I am making Christ my priority and investing in our relationship. It’s a game changer. 

The quote that sticks out to me as I write this today is “If Satan can’t make you bad, he’ll make you busy.” I really truly believe that the devil loves to thrive on our busyness and throws us off track by making us believe we don’t have time to invest in Christ daily. Don’t miss out friends – don’t miss out on the richness that comes with pressing pause, even in the midst of a full-time job, or motherhood, or starting a business. Jesus has so much more for you than what we try to fill our lives with.

Sound off in the comments below! What helps you stay consistent and grow your relationship with Jesus during the week? New ideas are always welcome!!!!

XO!

Chelsea

This past weekend I was invited down to Baton Rogue, Louisiana to speak at the Hope Narrative conference put on by Sarah’s Laughter. It was an incredible honor to stand in front of men and women, all who are experiencing infertility in some way, and share our story. The process of writing this hour-long keynote was one gigantic season of wrestling for me. What did God want me to say? What was I supposed to leave them with to encourage them? Even more, it required me stepping back into deep, murky, thick emotions of infertility.

God came through, as He always does, and gave me words that weren’t my own, and our time together was so special. And, because I know not all of you could travel to Louisiana this weekend, I wanted to share some excerpts here. Maybe it’ll just be this post, maybe more will show up again. But I pray that as you read it, God will meet you and remind you of His gentle and powerful love for you.

So jump right in to the middle of my talk here and I pray that you take something away and He meets you in a personal and powerful way.

xo,

Chelsea

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“God’s silence doesn’t equal His absence.

This is a powerful truth. Because so often we equate answers with presence, don’t we? Yet the truth remains that even in the darkest valley and the most tragic times, God hasn’t abandoned us. In fact, in order for us to truly realize that God is enough, I believe we have to  live through a season where God is all we have, where His presence is all we are clinging to. Tragedy is unexplainable. I can’t understand why infertility exists or miscarriages happen. I don’t know why adoptions fail, transfers turn out negative, and babies are born without breathe. I don’t know why God doesn’t come through with our every request, however, I know that God is doing something great even when it doesn’t feel like it.

In order to walk away with our burdens eased today, we need to first start at the beginning and that’s with understanding who God is.

God is capable, He cares, and He is willing.

I can tell you those words but in order for them to take root, we have to know His character. And then we have to make an intentional choice to believe His character and His words. We have this book, the Bible, and the whole thing is a documented display of his character and yet we still tend to question who He is and what He is capable of doing. I know I do. I read stories of women like Sarah and Hannah and Elizabeth; women who were barren and felt broken and yet God came through at exactly the right time in a glorifying way. And still, I read these stories and I find myself a day later wondering if God really is capable, caring and willing.

This is what God taught me to do when I started to doubt His goodness – make a tangible list of His character. It’s quite simple. I make these lists anywhere. There’s no shame in list writing in a coffee shop or in a bathtub. I simply close my eyes and ask, God who do YOU say you are? What are the traits I need to be reminded of today?

And I write who God is. And I’m going to pause a second here and say some of these traits out loud to you right now because I always need a refresher. And I encourage you to either close your eyes for a second as I say them or just sit back and listen, but these are just some of the characteristics of God, that He would remind me of over and over and over again when I doubted how capable, caring, and willing He was.

God is compassionate. He is loving. He is caring, He is merciful. God is faithful. He is capable. He is our deliverer. He is powerful. He is righteous. He is holy, He is just. He is omnipresent and He is our Healer. God is sovereign. He is wise. He is full of grace. He is our comforter, He is our intercessor, He is our Father. He is the beginning of our story and the end of our story. He is unchangeable. He is the light in the darkness. He is all-powerful. He never abandons us. He is trustworthy. He is our Redeemer.

I find when I write these words out, my mind shifts. You see, in the long battle of infertility, it is easy to come to conclusions about God because of how we feel. But when we listen to these truths about Him – and they are all based on scripture! – we choose to believe Him over emotions.

Think about it. If we understood everything completely and fully, we wouldn’t need faith would we? If God told us exactly how our journey would end, what our families would look like, what job we would have, how our bank account would end up, which house we would live in, there would be no need for faith! Faith and trust must emerge out of our love for God, not out of obligation, and not because we feel we have no choice. We have to choose to faith over doubt.

So, who does God say He is? Outside that list we just read, I feel like there are two important traits to outline:

The first is this:

1 – He is who He says He is. God uses the phrase “I am who I am” to Moses in Exodus 3 and in the context of the passage, He is telling Moses He would be who they needed Him to be. Isn’t that a hope-filled promise? God will be everything we need Him to be. He is fully capable of filling up every inch of our heart. He reveals Himself in this name. He reveals His love for us, His ability to provide us strength and peace and guidance. He teaches us that no matter what circumstance comes our way, He will be there for us and He will be our I am. I am who I am. My character doesn’t change. I am who you need me to be.

The second trait is the fact that He is our comforter.

A handful of years back, I was on vacation, floating in a pool, reading, when the heavy emotions of infertility started to swirl. Everywhere I looked, there were children and families. I watched a mom rubbing down her little boy with sunscreen. I watched a dad wrestle the arm floaties on his toddler. I watched a set of grandparents taking a hundred pictures. I watched as a mom floated by with her tiny baby, whispering words to him and making him giggle as he splashed gently. And as I watched, I felt so sad. Broken. Lonely. Grief-stricken.

I suddenly felt hot from the inside. My heart felt like it was crying crocodile tears. I was frozen. The sadness started to creep from my heart up my neck, tightening. I felt so empty. I couldn’t process the sudden sadness.

A few hours later I found myself lying down in the spa area with a cool washcloth over my face, trying to sort out all my emotions. And as I lay there, the tears finally burst through, like a dam, flooding my washcloth and speaking words of grief to my Father that only tears could. I felt like I was being covered in a physical blanket of sadness and sorrow.

I kept praying it would go away. And then God stopped me, and He reminded me in that gentle, soothing way only He can, that it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to want a family and to wonder when it’s going to happen. It’s okay to grieve the loss of dreams and wonder what the purpose of this is. It’s okay to acknowledge there’s a gigantic gaping hole in our heart. God is big enough for our sadness.

It was in that moment I felt like God stepped into my blanket of sorrow and closed both of us back up in it. He wanted me to acknowledge my emotions with Him by my side. He wanted to validate my feelings were okay.

You see, God is big enough for your questions. He is big enough to hold you close when you are crying and big enough for your dreams. I know it’s hard. I know it really doesn’t get easier. I encourage you to invite God into your pain. He is our comforter. He is the one who created us, which means He’s the only One who REALLY knows how to calm our hearts.  

I wish I could promise you that it will all turn out okay in the end. I wish God would give you a timeline so that you knew how to handle another month with a negative test. And while I can’t do that, what I can do is reassure you that God is still in this heartache with you.

Each and every day, you are learning in a painstaking way, that it’s possible to experience joy that isn’t dependent on your circumstances. Here’s a promise: God is bigger than infertility. God knows exactly how your heart is feeling. I mentioned before how God used women struggling with infertility all throughout the Bible in BIG ways. Remember Hannah? 1 Samuel 1 shares her brokenness over the fact that her womb was closed, and yet God answered her prayers in His timing and Samuel was born. Remember Elizabeth and Zechariah? Luke 1 outlines the fact that they were barren, and yet God proved He was bigger than infertility and John the Baptist was born, at precisely the right time. These are just two examples where God reminds us that infertility isn’t without purpose.

Jesus is in the business of taking our brokenness, our pain, our past, our tears, and holding it up to Satan’s face and saying “Look at this. You did this. But look at this beautiful thing we are doing with it. It’s being redeemed.”

That gives me goosebumps. We have Jesus, our comforter, on our team, taking broken pieces and making them whole.

It’s hard to let Him be our comforter isn’t it? Because often times we want tangible comfort. When something bad happens to us, or our days are hard, or our worlds are rocked with tragedy, we find ourselves running to people first or posting it on social media. We crave this verbal comfort instead of turning to Jesus first and sitting in His presence and letting Him calm us with His words. Sometimes the reason we aren’t getting the comfort we are looking for is because we are not willing to pause and wait long enough for God to comfort us Himself.

The writer of Psalm 46:10 quotes God and says “Be still and know that I am God.”

Be still my daughter, and know that I am your comforter. Allow me to comfort you. Allow me to speak life into your broken heart. Allow me respond….

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And here’s a few pictures of the fun weekend of community and friendships!

One profession I have the upmost respect for is teachers. I cannot imagine what it would be like inside the classrooms these days. Gone seem the days that we grew up in. Environments are different + while students face the same dilemmas we did as kids, they also are facing a whole new host of struggles! I am just so thankful that today we get a peek inside what it’s like in the classroom these days and what days are like for teachers.

Even better, it’s my amazingly awesome brother-in-law Dave who’s sharing! I have seen his passion for his job spill over into everything and am so proud of the job he does. His students are lucky ones!

So, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a high school teacher in 2018, take a peek below! I think you will find yourself even more grateful for these amazing adults who put their heart into developing this future generation. Dave, love ya and thanks for sharing!!!!

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Teaching high school in 2018 is exhilarating and challenging. I have between 35-40 students in a classroom, all with a wide range of abilities, attitudes towards peers and school, beliefs, pressures, and expectations. Needless to say, they are not the only ones who learn something in the classroom. They teach me so much through their life experiences, their perspectives, and their interests. 

I am a high school health and physical education teacher for students in a standard setting and in an alternative learning setting. A philosophy that shapes my teaching, and my life, is based on Carol Dweck’s research found in her book called Mindset. Her research has found that there are two mindsets we can have with learning: a growth mindset or a fixed mindset. I can tell within a matter of a conversation where my students fall, which is incredibly helpful in how I teach. It helps me authentically connect with my students, get at their hearts, and understand the world through their eyes.

When a person has a growth mindset, every challenge is viewed as something you can learn and grow from. Failure is an opportunity to improve, not a reason to stop. Those in a growth mindset are not concerned with what anyone else thinks of them, but just want to get better. A bad test score? What can I do differently next time to take better notes? They receive feedback as feedback, and use it as a tool to do better for the future.

In the fixed mindset, someone believes that they are either above average, average, or below average at everything they do. For example, a student may say, “I am not good at basketball.” In the fixed mindset, they don’t bother trying to gain skills. They believe they were born with the inability for dribbling, shooting, and knowledge of the game.

If a fixed-mindset student says, “I am great at soccer,” and then misses a scoring opportunity, it can be earth-shaking for their self-confidence. They feel embarrassment because they did not live up to the expectations of something they believe they should be good at. And instead of seeking improvement as the outcome, the result is failure. Period. They receive feedback as criticism, and take it personally.

Dweck’s material is being implemented in a growing number of school districts, and I believe this knowledge has a significant impact on our students. (If you are interested in learning more, I would definitely recommend her book. It’s highly approachable, and a wonderful tool for personal awareness and growth. Many students (and adults!) have been relieved and transformed through her research.)

Personally implementing the growth mindset makes the hard days worth it. It’s no a secret that teaching can be challenging. But if one individual’s life is changed for the better based on the way I teach, then it makes the whole year worth it. It’s a rare job, a calling, that offers the opportunity to have direct access to the youth of America’s hearts and minds. I can help mold, shape, and prepare them to be a better generation.

Just like any profession, teaching takes discernment. Some of the challenges that I face daily is deciphering the learning abilities of my students, meeting the standard, and handling what students bring with them into the classroom from home.

The learning abilities of students vary greatly. Some students pick up the material quickly when presented. Others require a different explanation. And a few students, no matter how many times or ways it is presented to them, will not absorb the information or choose to not absorb the information.

All teachers ask, themselves: When do I move on to the next material? How can I tell that the majority of the students learned the standard information? And what is more important: getting through every standard required by the board of education or making sure the students know the standard before moving on, even if that means taking extra time? Teaching certainly requires intuition, care, and being in-tuned with not only the classroom as a whole, but noticing and  connecting with individuals. 

I’ve learned over the years that a student’s home life has a significant impact on the child’s classroom success. Divorces, mixed families, single parents, and neglected children are becoming more apart of my student’s stories.  Too high of expectations or no expectations from parents dramatically impacts their work and learning abilities. 

Familial and social stresses are part of the reason educators are seeing a rising amount of anxiety and mental health issues in children. These factors reach the classroom and have a major impact on how the student performs, and how they treat their peers. As a teacher, I have to navigate how to best handle a situation where a student is expressing anger, frustration, anxiety, and fear.  Not knowing what is going on at home can be difficult when trying to navigate expectations for my students.

Are there hard days? Certainly. Are there moments of elation? Yes. And do teacher’s count down the days until school’s out for the summer? You bet. 

But I get a front row seat to inspire and see the creativity and innovation that comes through the minds of my students. The relationships that are built along the way are so life-giving and joyful, as I see how students grow over the course of the semester. Each school year, teachers are being given more responsibilities than ever before. We put in extra hours and deal with rising behavior issues. Most of us don’t really have summers off, because we find creative ways to make extra income to supplement our teaching salary. We don’t teach for the money. We teach because we love your kids. We teach because hard work is the most rewarding kind of work. We teach because we believe in your kids, their worth, value, and future. 

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Dave is married to his lovely wife, Courtney (Chelsea’s sister), and they currently live in the Twin Cities area.  They are expecting a little boy, their first child, in September.  He is an avid sports fan (Go Minnesota!!  Vikings, Twins, Timberwolves, Wild, Gophers).  He finds joy in connecting and relating to people that he comes into contact with.  He loves the Lord and trusts in the His faithfulness, joy, and undeniable peace.  

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PS – Don’t miss a thing with this series! Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to catch each of the upcoming stories! I absolutely LOVE connecting with each of you! 

PPS – If you’re ever looking for a devotional on living life while in a waiting season, check out the devotional I co-authored called ‘In the Wait’!

PPPS – Check out the other contributions from this series, including What It’s Like: to experience multiple IVF cycles, raise a child with special needs, use an egg donor, be a DIY-er and home style blogger , be a NICU nurse,  Live fully in singleness while still hoping for marriage, suffer with endometriosis. experience depression, start a company, have a micro preemie,  lose a parent, be childless not by choice, have a spouse with a chronic illness, fund raise for fertility treatments, have a traumatic birthing experience, take a natural route with infertility,  be on a reality show, go through the adoption process, have male factor infertility,be a stay at home mom, be an entertainer,  be given a Down syndrome diagnosis for your child , experience multiple miscarriages, have a surrogate, experience a late pregnancy stillbirth, be a police officers wife, be a working mom , be a breastfeeding mother, have weight loss surgery, donate and adopt an embryo,  be on a reality show, go through the fostering process, throw a themed dinner party , have PCOS, and have had a cancer diagnosis. Stay tuned for many other amazing topics to come every Tuesday and Friday here!

What can I say other than I love this girl? Our What’s It Like featured sharer today is my good friend Heidi Anderson. Name sound familiar? Yes! It’s the Heidi I co-wrote In the Wait with! We have known each other for years, first serving together in children’s ministries at our church and becoming friends through that. She is one of the most vivacious, encouraging, and kind people I know and her fire for the Lord is undeniable. I have so richly blessed to have Heidi in my life and I know you will walk away encouraged by her story and the truths she shares.

Heidi, thank you for sharing your story with us and allow the Lord to shine brightly through you!

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I come from a family with no history of cancer. In fact, I come from a family with little history concerning any illness for that matter. My grandpa had diabetes and later passed away from a cardiac arrest, but my other grandparents lived to their 90’s—one just passed away at 103—and everyone else is healthy and well.

So imagine my surprise when I felt a bump on my neck. My mom assured me colds can enlarge lymph nodes, but when another bump appeared a month later, I scheduled a doc appointment to be sure.

Fast-forward to that moment, and I’ll never forget sitting on that white, crinkly paper, staring at a doctor who held my results, and hearing the words: “You have Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.” I was 23 at the time (which meant my mom came with me everywhere), and I remember looking over at her, clearly frustrated because I had never heard of such a thing, and asked, “What even is that?”

She nodded and affirmed cancer in your lymph nodes—and then the next moment later, I was ushered before a scheduling assistant calling an oncologist for the next available appointment. Which apparently was 3 weeks away.

I walked out of that appointment desperately needing a Savior. Have you ever felt like that? I hadn’t before. A situation so out of your control, there’s nothing you can do to fix it, and you know you need help, Someone bigger than yourself. So I sat in those 3 weeks, not sure what the future held, how far along I was, and what treatment would look like. And praying every day for help.

Finally, I met with my oncologist, and he confirmed stage 2 cancer with 6 months of chemotherapy and 6 weeks of radiation ahead. He then dove into all the possible scenarios that could result—like loss of muscle movement in my neck, or how chemotherapy could attack my ovaries making me unable to have kids. You know, trivial things.

Then came the symptoms that could develop in the future—breast cancer is a common second cancer and could come in my early 30’s (which is now….#thisis30) and by the age of 40, one of the chemotherapy drugs could result in a cardiac arrest or heart failure. Again, all things trite.

In all seriousness though, I say that because dealing with cancer in and of itself is scary and COMPLETELY lame. But then the enemy wants us to battle fear for the rest of their lives, because no matter how many years you’re in remission from that one cancer, there’s a whole legion of other deathly diseases knocking at the door. But I’m finding there’s reason God tells us in the Bible “do not fear” 365 times—every day, we have every opportunity to cower, but will we trust Him? That’s up to us.

This is where my story gets good.

I heard my pastor give a message around that time about suffering well—how men and women of the Bible had scary things happening to them. Daniel was thrown into a den full of hungry lions and Paul was beaten and thrown into prison… but Daniel didn’t focus on the roaring of the lions, and Paul didn’t stare helplessly at the bricks around his prison cell. They chose to believe that their reality was more than what meets the eye—and that God is working behind the scenes, and ultimately, He has already overcome.

I heard that message and thought, “That’s what I want, I want to do whatever it takes to suffer well.” And after that decision, three wonderful, jaw-dropping miracles followed that only the hand of God could orchestrate Himself:

1. It wasn’t far into treatment that my pastor asked if I could share my story during services, so there I stood on that platform, sharing the news of cancer, but declaring the Gospel nevertheless. And there was the most wonderful man named Tyler Anderson visiting our church with friends that weekend, and he later sent me a simple Facebook message: “Heard your story, and I just want you to know that God wants you well and I’m praying for you.”

We messaged back and forth, met a couple months later, and got married almost a year after. The best, you guys. This, by far, has been my favorite blessing and proof alone that I serve a good God who gives abundantly good gifts to His people!

2. Because I worked at a church with thousands, I kept getting mauled with questions about how I was doing—and honestly, when my emotions were already a little tedious, it was hard. So I started writing a blog called Dear Mr. Hodgkin’s as a way to keep everyone informed, and ultimately, proclaim God’s truth in it. Each post grew to get thousands of views per day, people were sharing on social media as well as with friends and family, and it wasn’t long until believers all around the globe were praying for me. This is where I really learned the power of prayer.

The doctor soon found my body was responding well—and not just a “healthy, you’re on track, making progress as we projected” well, but like “plans need to change” well. Instead of 6 months of chemo, he cut it in half to 3 months and I was able to dive into radiation that much sooner. A miracle was happening before my very eyes, and it was UNDENIABLY Christ.

I want to pause here to say that I understand this isn’t everybody’s story. I’m not saying that if you pray and have faith, you’ll be healed, your child will be healthy, you’ll make plenty of money, and everything will go your way. But what I’m saying is that, sometimes, I think we as Christians forget about the power of prayer and give up on hope too early. We hear about a friend who was diagnosed with a terrible illness, we hear about a marriage on the rocks, and we hear about a friend struggling with infertility, and sometimes, we think, “That is so sad. I’m so sorry.”

But the truth is, we have the very Spirit of God who raised Christ from the dead, living in us, you guys! Alive. Working on our behalf. And still more powerful than anything we could ever face. So why do we respond so weak? Why do we even think to give up the fight before the battle has even finished?

And trust me when I say I was in the battle. It wasn’t all good, and God’s hand wasn’t always evident. I remember one night, the chemo drugs had an adverse effect on my body, and I was up all night, screaming into a pillow because my tongue literally felt like it was on fire. I had tears streaming down my face, begging God for relief, and I had to wait until the oncology center opened and they altered my treatment. There were plenty of those moments—when I’d touch the port on my chest and barely feel human, more like a robot than anything else, and just cry. When my hair started to fall out into clumps, and I had to shave my head. When the doctor told me I very well might not be able to have kids, and I’d cry for the future child I knew I was supposed to have.

But I once heard my pastor put it this way—we know what happens when we don’t believe. Scripture shows us clearly when His people didn’t take hold of the faith, they didn’t enter the Promised Land, Jesus couldn’t perform miracles in His own hometown, etc. So when we give up, we know the battle’s been lost. We’ve forfeited the victory ourselves.

But when we hope? When we pray for our friend to be healed, that marriage to be saved, and that friend to get pregnant, and actually believe it will happen, we very well might see the hand of God move. We might see people’s faiths getting restored and miracles happening. So why not hope? I’ve learned we can’t let our fear or disappointment get in the way, and we must remember God’s Word when it says, “As for me, I will always have hope.”

3. Which leads me to my third miracle and blessing: My kids. Like I said, the doctors prepared me that I may not be able to have kids, but less than a year after we were married, Oscar came. A year and a half later, Mabel was born. And although I’ve miscarried, we are expecting our third baby to come this summer. This always chokes me up and reminds me that God alone holds the final word.

So that’s my story, you guys. I wouldn’t have dreamt it, I would’ve loved a life with a perfect health record, and I still battle fears about the future because of my experience. But His hand has so heavily moved in my life that I’m eternally grateful and constantly convicted to live a life worthy of the calling I’ve received.

And let me leave you with this—whatever you’re fighting against today, whatever you’re struggling against to keep the faith, and whatever is chiseling at your spirit and threatening your hope, remember the deeds of the Lord. Look back on your life, cling to those moments when He’s moved on your behalf, and don’t waver in the belief that He will move again. Because that’s our reality, that’s our truth. Not our struggle, not the things we can see with our eyes. But what we can’t see, the pieces God is moving into place that we can’t see, and the God who is ever-powerful and ever-loving that we can’t see but is indeed working and loving us today.

To God be the glory forever and ever, in our stories and in our lives and in our faith, Amen.

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Heidi is a writer, speaker, and stay-at-home mom, who crafts daily devotionals for Eagle Brook Church, cleans up cheerio spills around the clock, and drinks coffee like a Gilmore. Ultimately, Heidi’s passion and the fuel behind her writing is that Christ-followers would realize, know, and claim the victory God offers His people—in the mundane, amidst the heartache, and on top of the highest mountains. You can follow her on Instagram at @thismotherhen and check out her daily devotions here. 

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PS – Don’t miss a thing with this series! Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to catch each of the upcoming stories! I absolutely LOVE connecting with each of you! 

PPS – If you’re ever looking for a devotional on living life while in a waiting season, check out the devotional I co-authored called ‘In the Wait’!

PPPS – Check out the other contributions from this series, including What It’s Like: to experience multiple IVF cycles, raise a child with special needs, use an egg donor, be a DIY-er and home style blogger , be a NICU nurse,  Live fully in singleness while still hoping for marriage, suffer with endometriosis. experience depression, start a company, have a micro preemie,  lose a parent, be childless not by choice, have a spouse with a chronic illness, fund raise for fertility treatments, have a traumatic birthing experience, take a natural route with infertility,  be on a reality show, go through the adoption process, have male factor infertility,be a stay at home mom, be an entertainer,  be given a Down syndrome diagnosis for your child , experience multiple miscarriages, have a surrogate, experience a late pregnancy stillbirth, be a police officers wife, be a working mom , be a breastfeeding mother, have weight loss surgery, donate and adopt an embryo,  be on a reality show, go through the fostering process, throw a themed dinner party and have PCOS. Stay tuned for many other amazing topics to come every Tuesday and Friday here!

It’s GO time! I am kicking off our 2018 TTC Exchange to bring together all women in all phases of infertility (trying to conceive, currently pregnant, adopting, new moms, taking a break, post-miscarriage, surrogacy, adoption, etc). Year after year, hundreds upon hundreds of women across the globe come together and connect, getting a randomly paired partner, and creating a care box for them – this year containing a pair of socks! – and forming a new friendship.

I absolutely LOVE how all of these women come together to support one another and spread positive energy and love.

Why lucky socks this year instead of mugs?

1. It’s easier to ship! Less hassle with bubble wrap, broke mugs, and heavy boxes.
2. It’s cheaper to ship! With so many women willing to ship to partners around the globe, the cost of mailing a heavy box adds up fast. This will lighten the load – literally!
3. Socks are worn by everyone! Whether you are slipping them on to go to a doctor appointment, adoption meeting, or just on a Wednesday as you go about your day, you will know and feel the love of this community around you.

ALL of the details + sign up link is found HERE.

Please take a few moments to read through everything carefully before signing up. Your sign-up is making a commitment to follow through with your partnership and we take that seriously around here!

Have fun! Sign-ups close on Wednesday, August 22nd at midnight CST. 

I met Monica last year through a brave email she sent me.

It started: “My name is Monica Allan from Orange County, CA. I stumbled on your blog while tirelessly searching for comfort, answers, or basically anything about infertility. I simply just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your life on your blog. It is simply beautiful. My husband and I are also dealing with infertility, PCOS, and a body that basically cannot communicate (mine)… I know you have no idea who I am but you have touched my heart and sparked a hope within me that I will need…”

And that Monica is the girl you will meet in today’s piece. (What a fun full circle moment – she will now have the chance to touch others on this platform!) She is kind and honest, and digs in deep to share what it’s like to go through PCOS. Monica, thank you for reaching out when you did and being willing to share your story with us today.

Here’s what it’s like to have PCOS. 

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I grow cysts, really well. That is what I have learned since a young 12 year old girl, loosing my right ovary to an ovarian cyst that caused my right ovary to twist. Little did I know as a young girl that these cysts would persist and bring so much heartache into my marriage that I so effortlessly assumed would be nothing short of the storybook fairy tale I had dreamt of; marriage, pregnancy, creating a nursery, and happily ever after without soul crushing diagnoses and heartbreaking realities. If I could, I would tell my 12 year old self to buckle up and become an advocate for myself and my only precious ovary.

4 years ago I was told I had a diagnosis of PCOS when the doctor found another ovarian cyst. I felt confused, I thought I had already climbed this mountain at a young age and would be in the clear to start my dreams of motherhood once I got married- at least that is what the fairy tale books tell us, right? You overcome a struggle and things become sparkly and fairy tale like. Sadly, this is not the reality of many of us in the infertility community. Instead, I was hit with continuous cysts, rapidly growing, non-existent periods, the occasional chin hair (although what girl doesn’t get this, let’s keep it real), and seasons of deep depression and anxiety.

PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) is a well-known diagnosis within the infertility community. But what each person goes through, presenting symptoms, PCOS is so unique and individualized. Something I have learned over the past 4 years is to advocate for my future family, my future babies, and myself -wrapped up in one precious but strained ovary. I had to seek answers, doctors throw PCOS around like it is “normal”, but 4 years ago, to me, it was not written in my fairy tale book. I had to accept PCOS being written in my fairy tale, and learn how to not allow it to dictate the happy ending. I wish I could tell all of you that over the past 4 years I have overcome and fertility treatments have worked, but sadly I can’t. What I can say is that due to PCOS being so unique to each woman, you can’t lose hope- you have to tighten up your boot straps and not give up on understanding your body, how to writer your fairy tale regardless of diagnoses and obstacles.

My fairy tale is still unfolding. My husband and I have attempted to begin 3 IUI’s, but at each baseline appointment our fertility doctor finds another cyst growing so we are stopped in our hopeful tracks and I find myself back on the surgery table, begging doctors to save my ovary so I can experience my fairy tale. After 3 surgeries in 3 months (5 total) and doctors reminding me of the devastating high possibility of losing my ovary because the cysts get so large before each surgery we have encountered the rarity and depths of the realities of PCOS.

Finally, just 2 weeks ago, my husband and I were told by my surgeon that due to the cysts reoccurring so often and being unable to control the growth that my only ovary needs to be removed. Also, on June 28, 2018 we were given the opportunity to attempt and retrieve eggs, though many obstacles stand in our way (such as a large growing cyst) we rejoice in the opportunity to freeze embryos before the removal of my ovary. Small miracles do exist written in the pages of our fairy tales, faithfully pursue them.

Now, before you become overwhelmed – this is VERY rare for PCOS diagnosis. In addition, over the past 4 months my husband and I have come to a place of peace that we have done everything in our power to save my ovary, literally begging doctors to save it while going under anesthesia for surgeries, and blindly beginning stimulation to retrieve eggs. My hope for all of you reading this is that you find your armor, to advocate for yourself and go down fighting for your fairy tale. PCOS does not have to rule or dictate your happiness. There is so much joy and hope in this world. People with PCOS may have to rely on faith and science to become pregnant, but it does happen! Each of us are so uniquely and wonderfully made, fight for yourself. Ask the difficult questions to your doctor. And most importantly, always remember this diagnosis does not have to consume you, we are more than depression, hairy chins, and cystic ovaries. I have worked hard the past year, through going to therapy and leaning on my faith in God to identify myself not as “the girl with PCOS” but as a child of a faithful God, a wife, a sister, a friend, and a fighter. My “cysters” out there; you are warriors, fighters, and overcomers (even if you simply just got out of bed today) keep up the fight. Fairy tales do happen, mine is currently unfolding, just differently than I thought as a child and because my fairy tale has been anything but simple, I have found a new part of myself I never knew existed. The fighter. The advocate. The strength to live with a diagnosis of PCOS that has stolen so much from me, but daily choosing to find joy in how strong I have become due to this difficult, heart breaking, fearful road.

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Monica lives in Orange County with her husband Aj who have been married since 2016. Monica is learning to embrace the uniqueness of each infertility story and desires to connect with other women who can share in their journey towards parenthood with the help of lost of faith and science. She loves Jeep rides, cooking, and Jesus. You can connect with her further on Instagram at @lotsoffaithandscience.

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PS – Don’t miss a thing with this series! Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to catch each of the upcoming stories! I absolutely LOVE connecting with each of you! 

PPS – If you’re ever looking for a devotional on living life while in a waiting season, check out the devotional I co-authored called ‘In the Wait’!

PPPS – Check out the other contributions from this series, including What It’s Like: to experience multiple IVF cycles, raise a child with special needs, use an egg donor, be a DIY-er and home style blogger , be a NICU nurse,  Live fully in singleness while still hoping for marriage, suffer with endometriosis. experience depression, start a company, have a micro preemie,  lose a parent, be childless not by choice, have a spouse with a chronic illness, fund raise for fertility treatments, have a traumatic birthing experience, take a natural route with infertility,  be on a reality show, go through the adoption process, have male factor infertility,be a stay at home mom, be an entertainer,  be given a Down syndrome diagnosis for your child , experience multiple miscarriages, have a surrogate, experience a late pregnancy stillbirth, be a police officers wife, be a working mom , be a breastfeeding mother,have weight loss surgery, donate and adopt an embryo,  be on a reality show, and go through the fostering process.Stay tuned for many other amazing topics to come every Tuesday and Friday here!