miracles.

May 5, 201315 Comments

(Warning: this is a total science-y, numbers related, and semi-factual IVF post. For those who that bores, know that God is good and that we are going in for our egg retrieval on Monday morning!)

What a last few days it’s been! (For those who are friends with me on Facebook or follow me on Instagram, you know about the last 48 hours!) Let’s back up to Friday’s appointment:

I went in knowing my lining was looking good and I had some nice follicles coming up to a size where they consider them mature. I knew my estradiol levels were low. The main questions going into the appointment was 1) did my follicles mature together and do I have good follicles ready? and 2) if yes, then did my estradiol levels increase enough where we could trigger.

I have shared these basic facts before but for new comers, here is a brief 101:

We know that not each follicle carries an egg, or even one that has the quality or potential to be created into an embryo. Some follicles have 2 eggs, some have none. But the follicles are what have has the possibility of having an eye in it. Thus, they count the follicles to anticipate how many they should be looking for during the egg retrieval surgery, and how well your body has responded to the medications.
Follicles can grow 1-2 mm a day. Big follicles tend to absorb the majority of the medication so it’s a fine art to get the smaller ones to grow and the bigger ones to stay the size. Once a follicle grows too big, the egg likely will become over-mature and not viable. (And by fine art, I mean you have no control.)
When the follicles in the largest group are mature, then I will be injected with what is most commonly known as a “trigger shot”. This is a hormone shot that helps with getting the follicles primed and ready to ovulate and is carefully timed, to the minute, of when it’s administered and when the doctor goes in to retrieve them.

Ok, so Friday: my ultrasound looked really good!! I had 10 follicles that were considered mature and ready for the trigger shot. My lining was good and my nurse prepared me to likely do the trigger shot that evening, should my estradiol levels improve. It had been a couple days so we were banking on the fact that it did. I left the appointment so excited! 10 great follicle sizes with a few others close behind.

The nurse called me that afternoon to let me know that the doctor would not let me trigger that night however, because my estradiol levels were still too low. They need the levels to be at least 1,000 to continue and my levels were at 700. This was so discouraging to hear. The nurse asked us to come back 18 hours later to do more blood work and another ultrasound. She also mentioned the “c” word – cycle cancellation – if the numbers didn’t improve or went down, as that number closely is linked with the eggs quality and quantity. *Stress*

At this point, I was nervous. My numbers at the end of the cycle last time went up 88 points last cycle between days 7 and 8. The prior 48 hours they went up about 200. How in the world was I going to get these levels, which I had NO control over, up over 300 points in 18 hours? And then, without the perfectly sized 10 follicles to over-ripen as they continued to grow their anticipated 1-2 mm a day, knowing the big follicles absorb the most medication? So, I called many of you to prayer.

I was overwhelmed by the immediate outpour of prayer warriors that began to pray. I don’t know why it surprises me, but it still always does – that people would want to pray for us. But the comments, texts, messages, emails, calls POURED in and the amount of people who told us they were literally hitting their knees was incredible. The power of prayer brought us such peace and comfort, as we knew this battle and fight was completely out of our hands.

Saturday morning came and Josh and I made our way into the city, bright and early – 6:20 am. We were anxious to see how my lining was, how those 10 perfect follicles were, and then for the lab results. We were stunned when the tech started calling off follicles sizes to the nurse … my perfectly sized follicles on Friday, the ones that should be growing 1-2 mm a day, stayed perfect! They didn’t absorb the majority of the medication! And the little ones that weren’t even measuring before, grew, I kid you not, like 5-8 mm overnight. She let us know we had a total of 25 perfectly mature follicles waiting. I swear Josh and I were in semi-shock. Last cycle we had 14. This was incredible news to hear. The nurse told us with such a dramatic increase in follicle count, my estradiol levels should have gone up as well – and if they didn’t, well, we knew it wasn’t looking good.

First of all, don’t tell me you are going to call between 12:00 and 12:30 if you aren’t going to call till 12:50. My goodness. But when they finally did call close to 1:00, the nurse was pleased we were approve to do the trigger shot that evening! YAHOOOOO! They let me know my estradiol levels went up to ….. 1,035. Unbelievable. Truly an act of God. When looking at last cycle, having it go up 88 overnight, and about 100 between days before that this cycle, it was a true miracle that it went up over 300 points. (God was showing off a bit and threw in the extra 35 point I think, hehe). So they let us know, to the minute, when to administer the shot (10:30 pm last night) and when to come in for the retrieval (Monday pre-op starts at 9:30 am). Josh administered the shot to me last night, with my sister in tow as Plan B if something came up. (So grateful to both of them! Courtney practiced into an orange in case her moment came. Poor orange.) My tushie will be a little sore today but SO worth it!

The biggest, more sincere, THANK YOU goes to all of you for your prayers and support. The glory goes to HIM, who made this possible. I am humbled by the volume of people who were praying for us – He fully equips us what awaits us on our journey and all of you have been part of that equipment.

1 Chronicles 16: “Thank God! Call out His Name! Tell the whole world who He is and what He’s done! Sing to Him! Play songs for Him! Broadcast all His wonders! Revel in His holy Name, God-seekers, be jubilant! Study God and His strength, seek His presence day and night; Remember all the wonders He performed…”

Join us in thanking God for this miracle and for continuing to pray for the upcoming miracles to be created at the hand of God. The retrieval is only about 24 hours away now – then the embryos are created ONLY by the hand and will of God. I will be recovering for a few days and getting my body ready a (God-willing) embryo transfer on Saturday. I will keep you posted on the retrieval! Thanks again for all the prayers!!

bruised.

May 2, 20138 Comments

Why is it, when you are trying to work on a spiritual trait, God will give you immediate opportunities to work on it? *Sigh*. Talking about confident trust 2 days ago was easier. Walking away from today’s doctor’s appointment not feeling very confident about anything is a lot harder.

The appointment today was to do more blood work and have a check-in ultrasound. The initial feedback was positive – my lining is getting ready to become a home for future embryos. My follicles are quickly growing big. I had 14 follies today measuring at a great size for day 5. My estradiol levels (a fancy word for a hormone needed to make and keep a baby!) however, were less than ideal. I struggled with this last cycle as well, and this time around, my levels are even lower than they were last time.

I know what you are thinking, why don’t they just raise her medication again? Well, it’s not that easy unfortunately. We have already increased my medication this cycle by 33% proactively, hoping not run into the estradiol issues and a continued increase could cause the follicles to grow too large too quickly and loss the eggs all together.

Are you confused?

I know, it’s a lot. It really it this big messy chart of if this, then that. I was able to speak to my nurse today after she consulted with my doctor and they want me to continue doing what I am doing and come back Friday morning to see how the levels look and see what follicles are left and which ones have grown.

It’s not that I don’t think we will be able to get any eggs out of this – I hope and pray that my levels rise to a point where they can do a retrieval. And I hope and pray that they can harvest as many eggs as possible during that time. But I was disappointed today.

I wanted this cycle to be PERFECT. I wanted the numbers to align together in harmony, for the doctor to be in awe at my enchanting follicles and devastatingly beautiful lining. I wanted to have no reason to worry. However, God has another plan for me. One that gives me no option but to be completely dependent on Him and His plan.

I feel a little bruised. Yes, literally, (you should see my tummy!) but figuratively too. My hope feels a little battered. But I am not defeated. Maybe God is bruising me so He can use me. So I can be more sensitive to His touch and to strip away every ounce of self-reliance in me. Maybe, when things feel dark, it’s simply because God wants an opportunity and a chance to shine. To light up the story. To remind me I am not in control. (How many times do I need to remind myself of this before it finally sinks in!?!).

Surrender: To yield completely.

Psalm 37:7 says “Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.” In Job 22, it is written to “Submit and surrender yourself to God and you will have peace. You will prosper and great things will come to you.”

It all really comes down to simply completely surrendering this journey up to Him. God, it’s yours. I continue to worry and try to manage it myself. But it’s utterly pointless. There is nothing I can do to change this outcome – it is already finished. He is the God of the past, the present and the future. Why am I trying to plan out something when He are already there?

What’s it for you? What is that one Thing in your life right now that you need to turn over? To say to, I’m bruised, I can’t do this anymore. My desire to control my Thing has made me completely crazy. I hate that my emotions are tightly linked to one call from a doctor or a blood result.

Guess what. I’m over it.

It’s out of my hands. God has already demonstrated both His willingness and His ability to help me in tough times in the past. Now, I need to recall upon these moments, these gracious acts, and allow that to build my confident trust up in Him. To strengthen the present.

Keep praying for those nasty hormones to increase and for whatever is to come. I so appreciate all the love and prayers. A special shout-out to my mom whose Googling skills helped find out what food naturally increase estradiol levels … thanks to her I am stuffed full of pea soup and edamame. Hey, I’ll do what I can and leave the rest up to Him.

(On a side note – no more hot flashes since Monday! I also haven’t seen my neighbor since then either. I can’t stop giggling whenever I reply the moments in my head. Oy vey!)

confident trust.

April 30, 201310 Comments

I sat down earlier this afternoon and started to blog. My first paragraph was about my love for the spring weather that has hit us, the fact that my blog celebrated its ONE YEAR anniversary this last week, and how grateful I was to have minimal side effects thus far. My exact sentences were “My side effects have been strangely so minimal that I daily question if the medication is working. Would it not be the extreme exhaustion and the fact that my blood work is signifying its working, I would be concerned. In fact, I have not even had a really bad hot flash yet.”

It was after I typed that sentence that my dog, Cali, began barking at the noise across the street. Our neighbors were outside with their 5 kids and small dog, Sassy, that Cali loves playing with, was teasingly come up our lawn. Cali’s barking and racing into the library to beg me to let her outside was enough to pull me away from typing and let her race around outside. I followed her out to talk with our neighbor, we will call her D, and well, the following story took place:

(C and D outside, on street, watching the dogs run around and kids chasing them, talking about porches and decks, fence estimates and the weather, the dogs and voles … you know, neighborly stuff).

D: We saw Josh working outside yesterday, putting the stones around the tree rings … they look so nice!

C: Uh huh! He worked so hard on that! I think they turned out really nice. *hot flash begins to hit*

D: continuing to talk about landscape

C: (in my head), Oh my gosh, I am so hot. And dizzy. And hot. And dizzy. I need to sit down.

D: …and they didn’t even call back with the deck bid! He isn’t getting my business!

C: I need to sit down. I am going to pass out. Everything is fuzzy.

I then squatted down pretending to pet the dogs who wanted nothing to do with being pet. As I crouched on the ground, realizing how awkward this looked, I took a few deep breaths.

D: … and Sassy just loves this weather. She sleeps in the sun all day …

C: (interrupting), I am so sorry, I have to go. I feel like I am going to pass out. Reattempting to stand back up

D: Oh my gosh! Are you ok? Are you hyperglycemic? (random question to ask?)

It was then I realized I would not be able to stand up. Everything was going black and I just turned slightly and fell back into the grass, first trying to awkwardly sit an angle so it wasn’t so weird (let’s face it, it was so awkward), then realizing I had to get flat. I was covered in sweat, felt like I couldn’t breathe and was convinced if it didn’t improve quickly, D was going to call an ambulance.

(Meanwhile, the 5 children raced around me, still chasing the dogs and screaming. D stood about 2 feet from me as I lay on our grass, eyes closed, trying to breath, praying she would go away.)

D – to her son: J, Honey, can you run in the house and get Mommy a bottle of water?

C: I want to be inside. I need to explain this to her in case I do pass out and she does call 911.

C: I am so sorry, I am doing IVF and these hormones … (pause to avoid throwing up and passing out completely)

D: launches into the friend of a friend who went through this, had twins, admits that she is pregnant with their 6^th and due in November and shares their TTC story.

Meantime, I am trying to raise my head slightly, wondering why it’s taking J five minutes to get a bottle of water (which he never got, but did manage to find himself a juice box, haha.)

The longer I lay in the grass, the worse it got. I was so embarrassed. D continued to talk, trying to pretend like this wasn’t so uncomfortable (it was) and Cali, realizing I was down, raced over to help me, which included trying to lay on my face (not helping the hot flash). I felt like I spent 10 minutes apologizing for this and when I realized standing up wouldn’t be possible, but getting into the house was necessary, I waved goodbye and then … crawled … to my front door, dogs following behind me and, mortified, laid in the front entry way till I was able to walk over to the couch, call Josh,and drink some water.

What an afternoon right??

So with that said, my side effects have included exhaustion and now a lovely hot flash, haha. I mean, I know it happens! I want to go over to my neighbor’s house and apologize for the incredibly awkward situation and for mainly ignoring her as she talked. I am just glad I wasn’t at a store or driving. Such are the side effects of the hormones. Sigh. : )

Anyways, I completely digress from a real update! Let’s see, last Thursday my blog did celebrate its ONE YEAR anniversary! Yeah! It’s crazy to think that I have had this blog for only a year and already a year. It’s been an exceptional experience for me – opening up our story to all of you and receiving as a result, so many prayers and loving encouragement. Means the world to us.

I told you all about our need for prayers for last Friday’s doctor appointment to get the final approval to start the next step in the cycle. I continued to gain some anxiety about that appointment the closer it got. My body was responding so differently to the Lupron injections this time around, I was just certain that things weren’t going the way they were supposed to. But low and behold, everything was working right and my ovaries were nice and quiet, ready to launch into rapid stimulation. I was cleared to begin, and did begin, our stimulation medications on Saturday. My blood work came back great that day and I was relieved to cross this first hurdle. I did feel a little off on Friday, like the start of this cycle was too good to be true. I felt apprehensive, like I was waiting for a shoe to drop, for bad news to come, for the phone to ring and them to tell me they made a mistake and misread the ultrasound or lab results. But the call never came.

Today I went in for more testing and when the nurse called, I prepared myself for news that the cycle was cancelled, the numbers were off, the medicine wasn’t working. But again, everything looked great. No change in the plan. “Come in on Wednesday for your first follicle count and more blood work.”

Deep breaths.

I read a paragraph from Jesus Calling the other night that had a sentence that stuck out to me – “…wait on me in confident trust.” I feel like it wouldn’t have been convicting if it had said “wait on me in trust.” I feel like for the most part, I am doing that! I am trusting God has this in His control, that He is one step ahead of us, yet completely in the present with us. Yet that word “confident” completely threw me into a conviction.

Confident: firmly trusting and believing, being sure of one’s successfulness, having strong certainty. being full assured.

Could I say that my trust in God was fully-assured? That day, no. I was waiting for everything to go wrong. I felt like I shouldn’t be celebrating, like something bad was to come. There was nothing “confident” about how I was feeling. Trusting, yes, not firmly or with a strong certainty. The devotion went on to say “There is both a passive and an active side to trusting Me (God).” I feel like some days I have one or the other – the passive side sits around writing/saying/telling others that I am trusting! The active side of me continues to administer shots and pray they work. But I am scared. I am trusting but still trying to hold a little bit back just in case. That’s not what I am called to do.

It’s scary to let go of complete control. To trust with confidence when you want something so bad. When you are scared. When you are worried. But isn’t that what having a relationship with God is all about? Knowing that He is carrying our burdens and worries, that He is in control?

Proverbs 19:21 says “You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.” How quickly I can forget that no matter what my plans are, God’s purpose will succeed. I am simply called to live and walk in a way that is in line with His character.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 NIV)

How many of us are trying to co-carry our burdens and worries? Here God, you can take the potatoes and milk, but I will still carry a few light bags. Maybe we are giving over most of our worries and concerns, but after walking, even with the lightest bags, our hands still start to hurt. The plastic bag pulls at our wrists, it becomes uncomfortable and we start to wish we could get rid of them. The great news is we can. And all it takes is having confident trust that He is fully capable of carrying all the bags. All of our worries and concerns, our fears and our issues.

I am a work in process. I have really good moments and ones where I try tugging back that trust. But I know that no matter WHAT happens, He will be there to catch and hold us, so I can’t waste my energies focusing on what could go wrong.

Amen? Amen.

So what’s next for us … well, I have appointments just about every day now. I continue to administer anywhere from 3 – 6 shots a day to myself. I am starting to feel very sluggish and bloated but know these days a minimal and will be worth it in the end. My moods have been relatively stable with the exception of a few shed tears here and there, mainly at an Ellen audience giveaways or touching America’s Funniest Videos of returning troops. I took an hour and a half nap today and it felt wonderful.

Many of you are asking when the egg retrieval will be – great question!! We actually won’t know when it is until about 48 hours beforehand. It all comes down to the size of the largest pack of follicles and when the doctor feels it’s time to “trigger” them to the final stages of maturation. Based on my body’s response last time, we are anticipated somewhere in the May 5 – 7 time frame. I will let everyone know as soon as I know.

In the meantime, keep praying that I can have confident trust in Him this whole cycle … and that I don’t have any more dramatic hot flashes on my lawn – or anywhere for that matter!! : ) Thank you for your continued caring messages and love. You are the best!

A verse I came across the other night…a great reminder of what Faith really is!

Being silly :)

Got a double yolk yesterday in my eggs … a sign of what is to come? Twins?! :)

Our clinic handed out yellow roses for National Infertility Awareness Week … a lovely gesture!

i’m 1 in 8.

April 23, 2013April 23, 201316 Comments

It feels slightly surreal to actually be blogging in the MIDST of a new cycle! The time has finally come! Yeah! Today was day 7 of my Lupron shots (the shots to suppress my ovaries) and so far, so good! It’s been nice knowing what to do, I am a pro at drawing the needle now, wham bam, it’s over. It’s so exciting and a little nerve wracking too.

My first day of shots! Excited to re-start this journey.

I have found that the hardest part of this cycle already is one I didn’t anticipate … comparison. Oh my word. I have found myself in a constant battle of comparing each day, every side effect, ache and cramp to what happened that the last cycle. The hard part is that things have been SO different and my brain wants to run away with thoughts about the medicine not working and a million other “what if’s”. Why am I not getting hot flashes this time? Why do I have a weird dull ache in my abdomen? Why am I not spotting? Why am I crying? Why am I not crying? Why am I tired? Was I this tired last time? And the really tough medications – the stims – haven’t even really started yet! (Saturday) I am nervous about each appointments, every lining number update, ultrasound follicle count, blood work lab result, will be compared to last cycles. The last cycle, I got pregnant and am now worrying that anything less than or different than my first cycle will be a “bad” thing. The logical side of me knows that EVERYTHING can and will be different and that isn’t a bad thing. The physical and mentally-tired side of me is exhausted already fighting this battle.

I thought it would be so nice going into this cycle knowing what to expect. And a lot of it is nice. I don’t have to worry about that first time mixing the Menopur vials and using those tricky Q caps. And I won’t have to terrifyingly wonder if the horrific injection site burn is normal or if I did something wrong. I don’t have to worry about whether I am strong enough to give myself the injections everyday or if the egg retrieval will be painful or not. I know these things now. But now I am faced with a constant reminder that I am not the one in control.

Hebrews 10 (MSG) paraphrases a message that my heart needed to hear today: “Remember those early days after you first saw the light?…Nothing set you back. So don’t throw it all away now. You were sure of yourselves then. It’s still a sure thing! But you need to stick it out, staying with God’s plan so you’ll be there for the promised completion. It won’t be long now, He’s on the way; He’ll show up most any minute….But we’re not quitters who lose out. Oh, no! We’ll stay with it and survive, trusting all the way.”

God is on the way! I am called to stay with it, to survive, to trust in Him completely throughout this wild unknown adventure. I keep reminding myself that any side effect, any ache or pain – or lack thereof – is entirely already known by God. He knows the outcome of this cycle. He knows the worries of my heart, He hears the prayers that have been raised, and He has already conquered this battle.

This week marks an important one in the world of infertility – National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). This week is used to spread awareness of infertility and I have loved reading some many amazing blogs and posts written by fellow women struggling with this. Did you know 1 in 8 couples will struggle with infertility? That’s about 7.3 million people in the US and about 12% of women of childbearing age. Typically about a third of the time it’s attributed to the female partner (as it is in our case), a third of the time the male partner, and the last third, a combination of the two or is unexplained. Now, I don’t mean to just throw a bunch of stats at you, but It’s still amazing to me that so many people don’t realize that infertility is an actual disease that results in the abnormal functioning of our bodies. A disease. It’s not something that simply relaxing will fix. Would you say that to someone with cancer or diabetes? “Just relax! You’ll get better!” It’s not something that is easy to just “accept”. “Maybe you just weren’t meant to be parents.” There are so many medical interventions now, many of which you have seen us try, and the great news is that 65% of women who seek medical intervention end up giving birth. What’s even crazier is that less than 3% of those struggling with infertility require advanced treatments like IVF. (What what!? Way to be a rebel and stand out from the crowd, haha!).

One way that people show support during NIAW is by wearing pink and blue. You may see women with pink and blue nail polish on this week – a common demonstration during NIAW – and if you do, say a silent prayer for them. This is a disease that far too little insurance companies support and is easily written off. But it’s not that easy. It creates such a physical, emotional, spiritual and financial burden on those suffering from it. And all we want is to be parents. Bah, it’s tough.

Anyways, like I mentioned, the Lupron shots are going well so far. I have to laugh, last time I was so focused on the exact minute, location, and perfection of each shot and that hasn’t been as possible this time around. On Friday morning I drew my needle in the basement bathroom stall at the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport as a child cried outside, complaining about really having to go to the bathroom. (I walked out with my needle to drop in the sharps container and felt like a junkie while the mother glared at me.) On Sunday I was in the handicap stall in a McDonald’s in Orlando making my needle up on a diaper changing table while people kept trying to open the door. “Just a moment please!” I carried around a lunchbox for two days with medication refrigerating in there and a doctor’s note tucked inside my purse in case anyone asked why I was carrying around needles. (No one did, kind of disappointing.) This cycle feels much more laid back. Yes, I am still giving myself my shot at the same time of day and have the same nice lovely bruises on my tummy, but it’s not as rigid. It’s kind of nice.

I have had 2 Instagram friends – Rachel and Kristen – send me packages filled with lucky socks to wear to doctor’s appointments (among other fun girly thins!). I can’t wait to slip my feet into the stir-ups and see my anchor socks, or pink glittery socks stare back up at me, reminding me of all the prayers and support we have. It’s such an incredible blessing. An extra special thank you to them!

My lovely new socks!

My first doctor’s appointment is on Friday morning and its there that they will look to ensure the suppression medication has worked, that my body is quiet and my lining is thin. They will do blood work to ensure everything is at a good baseline to start the quick stimulation process. They need to make sure none of my cysts have changed or grown since a month ago, as a change in that would likely result in a canceled cycle. It’s a big appointment. It’s the first big clearance and I want everything to be perfect. Please join us in saying a prayer that it goes well!!

“Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart.” (Jeremiah 1:5) God knows my baby/babies right now. Even before the follicles have formed, before the uterus is ready to carry them, before the embryos have been created. It’s amazing. He really is in control of all of this. Now just to remember that on a minute by minute basis …. ;)

Being silly this morning and avoiding my shot … “I mustache, do I have to give myself this shot?”

identity.

April 17, 20132 Comments

So … I don’t have a job anymore. I am officially 2 days into “retirement”. And just typing that is weird.

But yet, somehow, actually not going to work each day is not that weird. I expected to wake up yesterday morning and feel like it was just against my grain to not go to work. However, it felt like this was the way it was supposed to be. There is far more peace than I anticipated there being.

I have been busy. Granted, its only 2 days in, but I have managed to catch up on laundry, grocery shop, make lunches for Josh, reply back to emails, run countless errands (that does include three trip to Target already, uh oh) and spend some time taking care of me – gong to the doctor for my cough, reading a book, making some hot cocoa. It’s been nice.

But the one thing that hasn’t happened yet is the question. The one I am dreading. The “so, what do you do?” question? It comes up in every casual conversation. I tend to talk to people – a lot – and before I always felt a sense of pride in sharing that I was an HR Director at a psychiatric hospital. I did important things! I used my networks, I was good at what I did, I enjoyed it. So now, when someone asks, “so, what do you do?” …. I don’t know what to say.

I could say “an HR Consultant”, which is true. I am staying on board with my company in an Independent Contractor capacity until July 1^st working on a large policy project. That sounds important – adding value to what someone might think of me. But what happens when that ends?

I could say “I volunteer at my church as the Director of Early Childhood Ministries”. Ah, Director is an important title. And volunteer, that sounds good. They might nod their head and ask a few questions. I am busy in that role and truthfully am really excited to be able to invest even more in the program.

I could say “a blogger.” Haha kidding. I couldn’t get that out with a straight face. Some days I still can’t believe I write for the whole world to read.

I could say “a stay at home mom … to a dog.” Now that would really generate some odd looks and responses.

At the end of the day, not having a response to that question makes me feel like a slacker. Like someone that either couldn’t keep a job or isn’t good enough to be employed somewhere. A causality of the economy or someone that is lazy. I know that’s not true of people who don’t work, but I feel like by not having a respond, my work ethic will be questioned. And that is painfully humbling. I want to launch into a spiel about how I had a job, a great job, a job I was really good at and respected in, but I quit. What’s that? Why? Oh, because God told me to. Uh huh, yep. God. For the potential of what is to come. To prepare my heart and body to become a mom. Yea, no I am not a mom yet. No, not even pregnant.

And then there are the people who don’t understand how this could be a hard crossroad for me. Who wouldn’t want to stay home all day!? You don’t have to take care of kids? You have the whole house to yourself? An easy husband. A sweet pup. How could that be anything less than ideal? But it’s a odd new reality. People in the secular world put so much value on our professional identity that not having a “good” answer confuses them. It halts the conversation. They will change the subject to baking or the weather, I just know it. I still have value to add to discussions!

But it’s in these conversations in my head that I am reminded about my real identity. The one that doesn’t have anything to do with a job title or pay scale. That doesn’t make people tilt their head in admiration or applaud that “tough job” that you do. I am a daughter of Christ – someone called to live a life FOR HIM, not for myself, not for my own pride.

Author Mark Driscoll writes “Our identity is to be received, not achieved. The first lie is to create an identity, not receive an identity…” When I read that, I realized that by always having an answer to that question, I have been working to create an identity for myself. And it’s only now, when that identity has been stripped away, that I am realizing that I never should have been creating an identity, I should have been receiving the identity that God created me to have.

It’s a really hard balance – this identity in the world of infertility, now as a “retiree”. I try so hard to remove the labels – that poor infertile girl who can’t get pregnant or the girl who quit her job – and live as someone who is walking each day to be used by God – but it’s hard. And I am at a crossroad now which I need to refocus. I am being humbled. I don’t doubt that God will have an exorbitant amount of people randomly ask me what I do, simply to remind me daily that a job title does not define me.

We all have identities that we cling to. I clung to my job title. You may cling to your title as a wife, a mom, a valedictorian, a champion athlete, someone who never swears, who plays the bass better than anyone else or has the voice of an angel. We so often rely on these earthly tokens to build ourselves up. Set us apart from the rest. But it really doesn’t matter. It can all be stripped away in a day. So my prayer is Psalm 138:8, “The Lord will work out his plans for my life—for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don’t abandon me, for you made me.”

God made me. He will work out His plan for my life and I have to admit, it’s exhilaratingly exciting to see what God is going to do. My Lupron shots start tomorrow morning at 8:15 am. Today could be my last day for the next several months where I am not doing a daily injection. Whoa. That’s exciting stuff!

This is a humbling place to be but I am thankful for the shared excitement of all of you as well. I loved that we were able to celebrate what was and now celebrate what is to come. So … let the new adventure begin.

community.

April 7, 20139 Comments

Community. Fellowship. Cheerer-on-er (a technical word). All of these words come to mind when I think about all of YOU who have circled around us this last year in particular. Even though many of you have never walked this path, you join us on this trail, cheering from the side, often times stepping in and helping us as we run the race laid before us. The ways that you have rallied behind us may seem small to you but have literally helped carry us from one mile to the next.

Phone calls. Emails.

Texts. Cards sent to our home.

Gift cards. Last cycle we even had some friends support us with meals while I was on bed rest and feeling icky from meds. (I learned my love language is actually really food.)

Flowers sent. Chocolate covered strawberries received.

Hugs given. Tears shed.

Prayers prayed.

And now, we hit a big mile marker. We are (hopefully) gearing up for the last leg of the race. Your support now, more than ever, will continue to keep us going.

Many of you who are newly joining us in this race have some GREAT questions about IVF, the process and what we are doing. Here is a brief overview of our new schedule and details about each phase:

Suppression – Our current phase! This is where we are suppressing my ovaries with medications to ensure everything is “quiet”. With an IVF cycle, everything is monitored and carefully manipulated to ensure the best eggs and outcome happens. The Suppression phase for me started back in March when I was placed on birth control pills. This way the doctors can control the hormones my body has in it and it prevents untimely ovulation. Next Wednesday, the 17^th, I begin another added part, which is a daily injection of a medication that slows down and stops my pituitary glands from producing LH and FSH. (Again, just fancy names for the hormones that make someone ovulate.) So essentially this stage is shutting down my system in order to gain complete control during the Stimulation phase. I will be on the shots, called Lupron, for a total of 10 days. These shots are done in the mornings and were physically pretty tough last cycle. Again, I feel like I know to expect to feel crappy so it makes it easier. It’s exciting to feel crappy when the potential is having a baby!! (But I do sleep a LOT, the mood swings are difficult, and nausea, headaches, hot flashes and exhaustion are typical).
Stimulation – This phase will begin on Saturday, the 27^th and will last about 8-10 days. (Last time it was 10 days from the day I started my first Stim shot until the first surgery, the egg retrieval.) Once everything in my ovaries is “quiet”, through the use of multiple shots (called “Stims” for short), we now begin quickly attempting to develop multiple follicles, which will soon result in the potential for egg maturation. These include continued use of the Lupron shots to prevent untimely ovulation, as well as adding 3-4 other shots in the mix, some in the morning and some 12 hours later at night. The doctor will monitor the growth and development of the follicles, check blood work almost daily, have ultrasounds every other day and adjust my medication doses to ensure the follicles are being created at a perfect rate. This is a tricky part!! Some follicles absorb more of the medication than others, some can grow too big too fast and grow into cysts that can stop the cycle immediately, some can over stimulate and cause a lot of pain, or they just may not grow at all. Eck! This is also the phase where I looked and felt about 6 months pregnant. My ovaries grew from the size of a walnut to the size of grapefruits and were jiggling around. I was incredibly uncomfortable, so swollen and in general, not loving the discomfort. But again, it’s only 8-10 days! (This phase is when the meals my friends brought were amazing.)
Egg Retrieval – At the time when our doctor says things are looking perfect, we will then administer an at-home “trigger” shot that will push the follicles to their final point of maturation. Exactly 36 hours from that shot, I will be in surgery, sound asleep thanks to amazing anesthesia, as my doctor removes all of my eggs from my ovaries. Last time we got 11 eggs and ended up with 3 embryos. I hope and pray for more this time, or at least ones that have a better quality. Based on the timeline of our last cycle, we anticipate this surgery being on/around May 6^th. This is the day where our eggs meet their daddy’s sperm and the embryos form. Then over the next 5 days, the lab babysits them, watches as they split and grow and stabilize, which then leads to…
Embryo Transfer – Typically 5 days later, we go back in for the embryo transfer. At that point, we meet our babies, our doctor recommends the strongest one/ones to transfer and we have the exciting experience of watching on screen as our babies get moved in my uterus. It is SUCH a special moment for Josh and I – we fell in love immediately last time and I don’t doubt anything less this time.
Waiting – Back on bed rest! Now we pray. We pray A LOT! In the next 48 hours following the transfer, it is now up to our babies to implant themselves into the lining of my uterus and hopefully make themselves at home for the next 9 months. Last cycle we transferred 2 embryos and assuming all goes well, hope to do 2 again this cycle. We had 1 embryo left that we froze and hope to add more this cycle, so that we can someday do a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET for short), where we can skip over the Stimulation phase and Retrieval phase and just transfer my embryos. We wait 2 weeks until we have some blood work done to see if my hormone levels indict levels that confirm a pregnancy.

You know what’s crazy? That by the end of next month I will know if I am pregnant or not. I PRAY that I am but if I am not, we will immediately launch into an FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle. I am feeling so encouraged and blessed and READY to THRIVE again in this cycle (not just survive). Please continue to join us though, cheer us on, pray for us, and make a figurative poster at big mile markers. I can’t even begin to tell you how much the excitement of others helps us stay in the moment. Any help, words of encouragement, and prayers you can spare is amazing.

So, this is it! The home stretch! I am turning a corner – 5 days left to work. All of my medication has arrived (see picture below) and I have started sorting it out and ensuring all of the vials and syringes are ready. I am EXCITED and praying against nerves of the unknowns. I don’t want to end up in the ER again. I don’t want anything unplanned to come up, like follicles that get too big, or a suppression phase that doesn’t work. Please join us in praying against the unknowns. The IVF journey isn’t easy to begin with and I feel blessed to know what to expect this time around…really hoping to keep it that way.

Once I am done with work, I intend to be really good about blogging at least twice a week and updating everyone on how the cycle is going and how to be praying specifically. Don’t be shy in reaching out and checking in as well. I really do love that.

This is physically and emotionally draining on me BUT I have such a rock in Jesus Christ. I realize more and more each day how we are fearfully and wonderfully made. We are so complicated and I am blessed that through the use of modern day medicine, we are able to receive the help we need in order to have a child. I know that even though the chances of us creating a baby from one romantic, magical evening is slim, God is just as much in the creation of our child/children through the use of IVF. At the end of the day, He is the Creator, the Sustainer, the Provider and Protector, and the peace we have truly surpasses all understanding. “If God’s hadn’t been there for me, I never would have made it. The minute I said “I’m slipping. I’m falling.”, your love, God, took hold and held me fast. When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up.” (Psalm 94:17-19) Had I not miscarried last cycle, I would have been about 20 weeks along. But then I also would never have the chance to be part of creating these new little miracle, miracle children that God-willing will one day be held in our arms.

Ok, long post. Lots of details. I am sure fellow IVF’er are cringing with the summary as I tried to make it all less medical. Please feel free to ask any questions you may have! I love sharing in this journey with you and having you along for the ride. This will be one amazing celebration one day.

The medications used for this next cycle! Shots, pills, suppositories, patches, more shots … all blessings!

sadness.

March 26, 2013March 26, 20139 Comments

This blog posting is a little harder to write than ones in the past. I feel like writing about strength and waiting, hormones and cycles, stories and verses comes easier than this next topic – sadness. Writing about sadness feels so sticky to me that I nearly want to skip it. Putting it down in words, written out for everyone to read, seems scary. But in the promise of being honest in all parts of this journey, I shall share.

Infertility has a range of emotions that comes with it – many that you have seen in past blogs: Worry, frustration, pain (physical and mental), joy, sorrow, excitement, celebration … and now, sadness. To those that haven’t experienced the sadness I am talking about, may be confused with how “sadness” differs from “sorrow” or “grief”, but it just does. The kind of sadness I am talking about feels like a big blanket that just wraps around you. It doesn’t make you feel incapacitated or hits you violently – it is just there, like a gentle linger of pain. It becomes a sixth sense. Sometimes this sadness feels like you can taste it, feel it, touch it. The awareness of the sadness makes you want to cry, out of pure sympathy for yourself that you feel so … sad.

Let me explain.

This past week (Saturday to Saturday) I was able to sneak away with my husband’s family to Mexico, an annual family trip that is one of the highlights of my year. This year, Josh’s parents, his younger brother and his wife and their two kids, Scarlett (2 ½) and Kinsley (11 months) were there as always. This being my 9^th year down there with them, I knew what to expect. Food. Sun. Pool time. Spa trips. More food. I adore our Mexico trips. But this time, I was hit with something I didn’t expect.

Sadness.

Thursday morning was when I became aware of the blanket that was wrapping around me. As I sat in the pool in the morning, I looked around at all of the families playing and splashing around me. I watched as a mom rubbed her little boy with sunscreen and as a dad wrestled arm floaties onto his little girl. (He forgot to dip them in water first and was really struggling.) I watched as grandparents took pictures and tired mom’s swatted away their 9 year olds attempt to splash them. I watched as a mom floated by with her tiny baby whispering words in Spanish to him as he giggled. And I felt sad.

I realized that it’s been a long time since I have been surrounded with families for such a long span of time. I can do our churches kids ministry program for 4-5 hours straight, or spend time with nieces and friends kids for a half day. But I had no idea being around kids and full families for 8 days straight would break my heart as much as it did.

The blanket tightened.

I suddenly felt hot from the inside. My heart started to cry. I had a dramatic moment in my head as I watched this mom float past that screamed “HOW MUCH DID YOU WANT THAT BABY? How hard did you try? Did it come easy? Was he planned? Did your heart break before you had him? Do you realize how lucky you are?” (Just typing those words are making my eyes fills with tears.) The sadness moved up my neck. I saw joy all around me and felt so … empty. I spent lunch in our suite, hoping that some quiet reflection and Spanish Ellen would cheer me up. (It didn’t).

Later that afternoon, I walked over to the spa with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. I didn’t want to let on that I felt so sad. I practiced saying it out loud in my room before I left, just saying “I feel sad today” and couldn’t get it out without crying. I was still processing the sadness. We relaxed in the hot tub, chatted in the sauna, sweated in the steam room. Finally we wrapped ourselves in plush robes and grabbed cool washcloths soaked in aromatic scents and laid down in the quiet relaxation room. As I placed the washcloth over my face, I started to cry. Knowing now was NOT the time, I tried to stop, which only made the silent tears worse. I was terrified someone would try to talk to me. I wasn’t ready yet to share my sadness.

I kept thinking “Chelsea, you are being so silly! You are in Mexico, at a spa, about to go get a 50 minute massage that you aren’t paying for surrounded by people you love – WHY ARE YOU SO SAD. Get your act together.”

And that’s when I realized, it was okay to be sad.

Infertility comes with a constant battle for strength. We quote verses about God strengthening us. We pin fancy quotes with bolded words and convince ourselves it WILL happen! It’s GOD’s time! We can DO this! We Instagram encouraging words and double tap others as a way to say “Hang in there!” We brush away the sadness so we can stay strong. We avoid tears because sometimes it scares us to think they may never stop. But it was in that moment when I realized, it’s okay to be sad right now.

It’s okay to want a family. It’s okay to be sad that I can’t watch Josh try to smush air floaties on our kids arms and don’t have grubby chubby baby hands reaching for me, their mom. It’s okay to be sad that we haven’t been able to make Josh’s or my parent’s grandparents to our kids yet. It’s okay to be sad that my body isn’t working like it supposed to. It’s okay to be sad when acknowledging this gigantic gaping hole in my heart.

It was in that moment I felt like God unwrapped my blanket of sadness, stepped into it with me and closed us both back up in it.

Our names were called (Jessi? Moniqua? Laurrrrie?) and I regained composure quickly enough to pad my way to the next, dark relaxation room. Our massage therapists quickly grabbed us from there and ushered us into our private rooms. As I laid face down, my head poking out of the face rest, eyes looking at the ground, I kept saying to myself “it’s okay to be sad.” The more I said it in my head, the more I cried. I spent the first 20 minutes of the massage watching my tears drop *plink* *plink* *plink* *plink* and hit the floor underneath me. I knew God was in my sadness blanket with me and wanted me to acknowledge the emotions that are so real.

Most days are good days. In fact, I felt a little better that night after my cathartic cry. The rest of the week was wonderful and I am feeling stronger again. But I don’t forget the sadness. I don’t forget the way it tastes. It seems like it’s just a breath away. I am learning that being sad is okay – I am typically someone who will withdrawal when I am sad. I get quieter, more serious. So if I seem “normal” and bubbly, you can assume it’s a good day and not an act. I don’t have the strength when I am sad to fake happy.

So now you know. I get sad. I cry. I hurt for what I don’t have. Yes, I know God is in control and I have never felt alone or abandoned. On sad days, my strength comes from simply knowing He is with me in my sadness.

I am about 1 ½ weeks into my birth control pill pack, which may have something to do with the wave-like emotions I have felt lately. We have our last IVF Consult appointment tomorrow morning at 8 am. There we will give our final blood samples, sign our paperwork, prepay for the cycle, obtain our prescriptions and make all of our appointments for the next 8 weeks. It is SUCH an exciting time. Part of me feels sad that I know what to expect, that this won’t all be new. There was such anticipation with each picture that was taken, each embryo that was introduced, every meal that was brought over. It seems a little more dulled now, knowing what the outcome can and may be, and I keep praying against apprehension so that I can savor the joy in this miraculous experience again.

I have 13 days left of work. My shots start in 21 days. I am excited, I really am. I am also just a little bit scared.

Continued prayers are always appreciated.

omg TTC & IF sucks.

March 16, 20138 Comments

1 day until I start taking my birth control pills. 15 business days left of work. 12 days until we obtain our new meds, finish blood work, and sign all the exciting papers. 32 days till I pull back on a tiny syringe and start my shots. Approximately 51 days till I go into my egg retrieval surgery. AH! This is coming up fast! And slow. 51 days!? I finished my other prescription earlier this week without any significant issues and am glad to have that behind me.

Is anyone sick and tired of talking about infertility, IVF, waiting and wanting yet? I AM! I seriously sit down in front of the computer and feel like a broken record. It’s been almost a year since I started this blog and I feel like I could copy and paste last year’s postings for this year’s postings and call it a day.

WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING ME GOD!?

I have learned that when ready, God is waiting to use our testimony to change lives.

I continue to grow as a person, as a wife, as a friend. I have learned about patience, endurance, strength and grief. I have gained courage to tell our story as one that hopefully spotlights Christ, even though the story is not finished yet. I don’t think I would have chosen this life for us, but now that it’s here, I willingly and joyfully embrace it, excited to see where God will bring us next.

Early today I laid on a table as an Esthetician painfully ripped out leg hairs from their little follicle homes on my thighs. As I winced, she started up with pleasant conversation to distract from the feeling of the firey tingle.

“So, do you have any kids?”

(Whatever happened to “What do you do for a living?” or “How was your week?”)

“No, no kid. (awkward pause). I actually struggle with infertility.”

At this point I am sure I widened my eyes in a “I’m sorry I just spit that out” sort of way. But instead, was enthusiastically embraced with a “Ohmygosh! I struggled with that too!”

Ah, the sweet relief in not having “infertility” be a unmentionable word.

She carried on to tell me about her and her husband’s struggles to have their 2 kids, their multiple miscarriages and their recent decision to stop trying for a third. It was refreshing to hear someone talk so enthusiastically about a battle that I face and to do so with such positivity.

“You WILL get pregnant in May. You will. I just know it. Don’t even think that you won’t. Oh I am so excited for you.” (RIPPPPPPP – KELLY CLARKSON!)

We had the chance to talk about what keeps me going (Faith. Support.) and even though she didn’t acknowledge that we shared the common denominator of Christ, she hugged me at the end and I loved walking away knowing that even though that could been an awkward polite conversation with someone who had no idea what to say, it wasn’t. And I was even able to share a little bit about what keeps me strong and how trials really do bring joy. Unexpected blessings. Deepened faith.

Infertility is becoming talked about more and more and embraced with an empathetic compassion that I appreciate. More and more people are reaching out to a TTC community and sharing their struggles with people, some even blogging about it (gasp!). The support and love I have felt as a result of that has been incredible.

So, as we continue to wait for the next step, I will take this time to embrace the testimony God is creating in us. I love hearing that many of you are sharing our story and this blog with those you know who are struggling with infertility as well. Thanks for passing along your kind words and for continuing with us in this journey. Like I said in the beginning, I feel like a broken record, so when you remind me you are still tagging along, it’s reassuring knowing you still care.

I have to laugh at how many TTC Acronyms we have. I have gotten a few texts recently about people asking “WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?” in response to a posting or Instagram response. So in closing, here are some of the most commonly used acronyms – enjoy learning my language! : )

2WW: Two-week wait (hopefully you guys know this one by now!
AF: Aunt Flow, that lovely visitor
BD: Baby dance (bluntly put, having sex)
BFN: Big fat negative (pregnancy test result)
BFP: Big fat positive (pregnancy test result)
CB: Cycle buddy (someone who is sharing the same cycle as you, working towards a BFP!)
CD: Cycle day
CM: Cervical mucus (This is so gross to even blog about, but its so commonly used in the TTC world that I had to include it!)
DH: Dear Husband (darling husband, depending on when – dumb husband. KIDDING! I love you Josh.)
DPO: Days past ovulation
EW: Eggwhite (re: consistency of cervical mucus – gross, again I know, but …)
FMU: First morning urine (what you are supposed to use to test for a pregnancy test)
HPT: Home pregnancy test
IF: Infertility
IUI: Intrauterine Insemination
IVF: In Vitro Fertilization (I really hope you know this one by now too!)
OPK: Ovulation predictor kit (this helps women measure specifically when they are going to ovulate … so they can BD!)
PCOS: Polycystic ovarian syndrome
TTC: Trying to conceive

Now … to put it into a fake Message Board post that literally, I swear I have seen before – “Ugh, I am on CD20 and yesterday I had EWCM but I didn’t get a positive on my OPK. We will still BD and hopefully my DH and I don’t go crazy during the 2WW! AF better not show her ugly face. I will NOT take a HPT before 14DPO because I don’t want to get my hopes up. Anyone else in the wait and want to be CB?”

And that, my friends, is my language. : ) Thanks for reading along and hope you have a great weekend!

hormones, waiting and a greater purpose.

March 5, 2013March 5, 20135 Comments

Nailpolish. Notecards. Real Coke (the soda that is). Starbucks. Josh’s jokes. Bookstores. Writing utensils. Coffee mugs. Fuzzy socks. Gilmore Girls. My dog.

All things that I love.

Waiting. Glass half-empty people. Waiting. Not having a baby. Waiting. Medicine that makes me feel icky. Waiting. People that don’t acknowledge your kindness in traffic. Waiting. Breaking a tea bag and flooding your cup with grounds. Waiting.

All things I don’t love.

I started a medication on Saturday that is the first step in prepping for this IVF cycle. YAHOO! It’s been annoying but manageable. I have been on it in the past and my side effects have been similar to those experiences – a headache, some nausea (mainly in the morning), and tiredness. I am 3/10 pills in and know what to expect so I am not too worried – this too shall pass – but am excited for the 10^th day to be here too.

In the meantime, I had some bloodwork done last Thursday to test my hormone levels and make sure my baselines were all within appropriate ranges in order to start the medicine – which clearly they were. A HUGE praise! We meet with our IVF consultant team at the end of March (whoa, that’s THIS month!) and are excited for that too. So, guess what … we’re waiting!!!

So here I am, bored in my waiting period, continuing to be inpatient with what is to come. Then suddenly – *ding* – the inbox of my email chimes and I catch the Proverbs 31 Ministries devotional Subject line for the day – There is Purpose in the Wait. I had to laugh. Yes, got it God. Thank you. But I loved the message inside enough to regurgitate for you today. (That’s an attractive word.)

Even though we are anointed and appointed we may still have to wait. Throughout the Bible we see long, drawn out waiting periods for a destiny to be reached. Why do I think that my life story needs to be any different? I believe in my heart I have been called to a role of a mother – like David was called to the role of a King – but still, the wait may be required. And I have to be okay with that.
If we allow it, our waiting will bring us to an intimate knowledge of God that we would not otherwise have. The message points out that some of David’s most beautiful psalms were written while he was in the wilderness, waiting on God. Likewise, I feel that this has been the time of the most spiritual growth and inspiration for me. Yes, it’s tough – but in the times of waiting, you learn so quickly that you have to fully lean into Him in order to make the ache go away. We just have to allow ourselves the ability to give it to Him.
God does not ignore the cries of His children. Ah, how often have we cried and begged and cried some more, pleading with God to intervene and help us. And even though the outcomes and circumstances are different than what we envisioned, God still has never let us down. I have never felt ignored or abandoned – if anything, more than ever, I feel His ache for us.
Our waiting has a purpose for someone other than ourselves. This one was a great point for me to read – that It’s not all about us. The devotion shared this thought: “Just think of how rich our lives are today because of the wait David endured. We have the comfort, compassion, hope, and healing of the Psalms.” Wow, what a beautiful take away that Josh and my period of waiting may have a purpose for someone else. A humbling thought in acknowledging that and makes me excited to give this time back to God to use.

We all know that waiting is less difficult when we allow God to intervene in our period of waiting. I fully expect Him to continue to move and act, even when time seems to go by slowly and the future is unknown.

I would have been just passing into my 2nd trimester this week had I not miscarried. The time that has passed has healed some of the wounds, as have the prayers and petitions of many for us. I know my babies are in the arms of Jesus, but I still can’t help but look down at my stomach sometimes and wonder what it would be like if things had gone differently. My baby would have eyelids forming this week and would be starting to twitch its arms and legs. It would be about the size of an egg and almost 3 inches long – fully moving out of the embryo stage to the fetus stage. I wish I could be part of that celebration in watching it grow into a little person.

I so adore everyone who is routinely checking in on me/us and echoing the continuation of prayers for us. I greatly appreciate this and it means so much. Your cards, encouraging words, emails and texts always make me smile. Love love love!

So hang in there with us as we chug towards this next journey and adventure! We pray that our waiting has a purpose for someone other than ourselves … and that God continues to work in your lives in your period of Wait!

On a side note – Catherine or Lindsay!? Who will it be!? And what will I do on Monday nights when the Bachelor is done. *Sigh* And I ran across this funny Infertility comic the other day and had to share …

Have a great week!

gotta have patience. gotta wait.

February 23, 20138 Comments

“Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.”

This sentence has become a popular one in my niece Scarlett’s vocabulary. When I asked her about the gifts around the Christmas tree, she simply said “Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.” When I asked her about some friends coming over later that day and if she was excited, the answer was simple, “Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.” Even a simple question like “are you ready for dinner?” has been answered with a “Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.” Not only is her little voice saying that one of the cutest things, “godda be pashent, godda wait.”, but the message is simple – she knows she has something to look forward to but the time isn’t now. She doesn’t doubt that the time is coming when she will have the gifts revealed, the friends at the door, the dinner on the table – but the time isn’t now.

When I think about waiting till April to start another IVF cycle, her little voice echo’s loudly in my head…”Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.” But with it comes the simple realization that it will be happening and it is in the future. Now is the time of demonstrating adult patience. I swear it should get easier the older we get, but it doesn’t. In fact, kids seem to be much better at distracting themselves while they wait. As an adult, all I can think about it wanting to fast forward to April, to feel the poke of the needle in my stomach again (who’d have ever thought that!), to make the 55 mile round trip drive to and from the clinic each day, to have the excitement about the potential to be even more real. Instead, I have to practice my ability to be patient.

Bah.

I hate waiting.

I feel like all I have done is wait.

And I am surrounded by others who are waiting too – waiting for a job, waiting for direction in a relationship, waiting for a baby, waiting for a spouse, waiting for test results, waiting for treatments to be over, waiting for an answer to a massive prayer. It seems nearly everywhere I turn right now, I am with someone waiting. Half of the time we stare at each other saying “It’s gonna be ok! We can wait. It’s for a reason. Let’s look at what we are being taught in these moments, what we can take away from this.” And then to the other half of the time it’s a “WHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!?!?!?!”

We have all heard the lovely patience quotes before … “Patience is the greatest of all virtues.” and “He that can have patience can have what he will.” Words regarding patience show up at least 50 times throughout the Bible. In fact, a popular song in my house growing up was this one – “Have patience, have patience, don’t be in such a hurry. When you get impatient, you only start to worry…” We are inundated with the reminders that patience is important. And yet, truthfully, most of us suck at it.

Webster’s defines patience as the “ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with a delay.” Restlessness is a good word. As is annoyance. It later uses the words ”steady perseverance”. I WANT to be more patient. I WANT to say I am fully embracing every second of waiting, but truthfully some days are harder than others. I KNOW I am right where I am supposed to be. I work to try to find the moments in each day that make it meaningful and matter. But I am still learning the art of patience. I read the other day “Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success.”

Hebrews 12 talks about running “with endurance the race that is set before us.” It’s empowering to know that this path before me is set. I am not making the way, God has cleared this path for us and now I need to roll up my sleeves of perseverance and endurance, equipped myself with patience, and charge ahead.

“Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.”

52 days till shots start again. 7 days till I start my first pill to prepare me for the cycle. 48 days till my last day of work. 20 days till my spring break vacation. 33 days till our balance is due for the cycle. Days whirl by. I can do this.

“Start with where you are at this point in time and space, accepting that this is where I (God) indeed you to be. You will get through today one step, one moment at a time. Your main responsibility is to remain attentive to Me, letting Me guide you through the many choices along your pathway.” (Jesus Calling)

So, wherever you are today, whatever you are waiting on, whatever needs a little extra dose of patience sprinkled on it- do it. Let’s do it together. Time to strengthen our patience muscles, continue to suppress our annoyance at waiting and embrace what today offers. That means smiling through the hard time of waiting and wonderment. God is in today.

“Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.”

On a side note, Josh and I had a fun photo shoot with a friend last November and I wanted to share a few of my favorite pictures of our family. Enjoy!