Well, today’s the day! Our appointment on Saturday brought news that the average size of our follicles were within range. (Josh reminds me that bell curves are good when I worry too much about the super big ones). Even better, when the nurse called later that afternoon, I was informed that my hormone levels squeaked up to a solid 1,011, just enough about the 1,000 minimum to move forward! YEAH!

Josh administered a “trigger shot” to me at 12:30 am on Saturday night. *Yawn* He did SUCH a good job! I seriously didn’t even feel as the 2” inch needle slid into my hip/glut muscle. I was almost worried he didn’t actually put it in right until the muscle soreness came yesterday morning. Ah, yes, there was a gigantic needle in me. But that set everything else into motion.

So with good follicles and good hormone levels, we have been cleared for the egg retrieval surgery! Hurray! Pre-op is 11:30 today and the surgery is at 12:30. I will be released after I wake back up and they clear me to go home. I am not sure if they will tell us around how many eggs they were able to get or not today. Some Centers do and others wait the traditional 2 days. I have been told anywhere between 6-15 eggs retrieved is average. They will take all they can, with or without being in size range. They will try to fertilize all that make it, although those that become fertilized are typically much less than what they retrieve. From there, the embryologists will take care of them, trying to keep them alive, monitoring them each minute of the day, and providing them with nutrients to stay alive and develop. Our goal is to do an implantation 5 days from today, although a 3 day transfer is an option as well. The strongest embryos are most likely to make it to day 5, although you do take a risk waiting that long.

Ok brief medical talk – skip this paragraph if you are bored – We want our implanted embryos to be a blastocyst. A blastocyst is an embryo at an advanced stage of development when there are two cell types present: one group of cells that form the placenta, and another group of cells that form the fetus. The further developed the embryos, the better our ability will be to have the healthiest and most viable embryo(s) transferred. A blastocyst embryo also has very low changes of developing into multiples at this stage.

So, the prayers for today!

• Pray that there are good quality eggs retrieved today that become fertilized.
• Be praying this week that the embryos make it and continue their strong development.  We would like to have 2 strong ones for implantation and ideally 2 more that we could freeze for another round if needed (and/or a sibling down the road).
• That the surgery today goes well and that our embryos can make it to a day 5 transfer (Saturday).

It’s so funny how much “ahead” of us God is. I take the wrong medication and it’s actually “just right” for my body. I “tentatively plan” on a Sunday egg retrieval and my hormones comes back too low so we have to wait an extra day, and then on Sunday a blizzard hits, leaving 16” inches of snow behind. We would have had a stressful commute to and from the Center yesterday, and with timing being as critical as it was, who knows if things would have gone the way they should have. It’s a continued reminder that “’My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,’ says the Lord. ‘And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.’” (Isaiah 55:9 NLT) He knows best, He always has and He always will. And REGARDLESS of how today turns out, this week, or this month, He will still be the same constant, faithful God, which is really all we need.

I was thinking last time what a big step this really is for us, and how surreal it feels to actually be here. My devotion reminded me that this is exactly where God wanted me to be. “Be willing to go out on a limb with Me. If that is where I am leading you, it is the safest place to be. Your desire to live a risk-free life is a form of unbelief…In order to follow Me wholeheartedly, you must relinquish your tendency to play it safe…As long as you stay close to Me, My Sovereign Presence protects you wherever you go.”

My mind has been operating like a seesaw, when I let the fear and worry and anxiety go up, the trust I have in Him, the peace I feel goes down. Right now my energy is precious and I have to solely focus on the positives, the trust and Hope and joy He provides. The rest is in His hands and that’s exactly where I want it to be.

Here is a little peek at all of the daily work that has brought us to this place today! :)

GOD IS GOOD!!!! Keep praying and praising! :)

2 post in one day – whoa! Settle down, thankful this one will be short too. I wanted to thank everyone for their prayers and all the encouraging words sent this morning. I really needed it and am so thankful I can rely on each of you to help support us in prayer and thoughts. There are times I don’t know the words to pray or say, and knowing that you are all supporting us gets me through a hump. So thank you.

An update – My ultrasound shows two “packs” of follicle sizes – ones that are mature and to the size they want them to be, and other smaller ones, that are nearing mature size but not quite there yet. The doctor wanted to see lab results to determine which “pack” of follicles that they should go after. Walking out of the appointment, it seemed likely we would go after the current mature follicles. However, my lab results were less than ideal.

There is a certain hormone that is lower than they would like to see – they would like it to be minimally in the 1,000+ range in order to result in mature, usable eggs. Many women are between 2,000 – 4,000. I am at 923. My doctor says that needs to get higher before we can do a retrieval. What this means is they are going to double my medication doses tonight and tomorrow morning and have me come back to the clinic for another ultrasound and lab work in the AM to determine next steps.

Follicles can grow 1-2 mm a day. My mature follicles right now are at a stage where they can and may quickly grow past the point of mature and become “too big” (they are within 1-2 mm from hitting that stage). So we are praying that the smaller ones, which are 3-4 mm under the minimum “ripe” size, grow quickly. Big follicles tend to absorb the majority of the medication so we truly need to recruit prayers for these smaller follicles to grow, the larger ones to stop growing, and for my hormone levels to skyrocket … overnight.

The plan from here – in order to have the egg retrieval, 36 hours before its scheduled I will be injected with what is most commonly known as a “trigger shot”. This is a hormone shot that helps with getting the follicles ready to ovulate. It has to be timed very carefully as we need the follicles to be just about to ovulate, but retrieve them before they do. (Literally the minutes count here!). We anticipate if the results tomorrow improve to what the doctor would like to see, that this shot would be administered tomorrow evening with the egg retrieval surgery taking place on Monday morning.

This has been a continued emotional rollercoaster! It is such a helpless feeling having no control over what my body is doing and relying so heavily on the knowledge and experience of the doctor. I’m scared things won’t go as hoped but know I can’t get ahead of myself. I need YOU to help support us in prayers and pray against discouragement. I have no other option but to fully rely on God during this. Josh has been such a positive, confident supporter. And each of you – gosh, the words and messages I have received today have met me right where I am. I love what one friend said … “IVF is such a blessing … but I love that it still takes GODS MIRACLES to make it happen …” That is the truth and I need to be reminded of that each hour. The hormones don’t help logical thinking and truthfully, we are still absolutely in this and excited for the next step. Please join us in praying:

1) for hormone levels to rise;

2) for the follicle sizes to be and become what we need them to be to give us the most optimal changes;

3) for clarity and direction of the doctor; and

4) for hope to continue to penetrate my heart.

I am reminded of God’s goodness in this passage someone sent to me …

“I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; He saved me from all my troubles. For the angel of the Lord is a guard; He surrounds and defends all who fear Him. Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in Him! Fear the Lord, you His godly people, for those who fear Him will have all they need. Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry, but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing.” (Psalm 34:4-10)

Thank you my friends.

I don’t tend to blog “rushed”, but I need some prayer warriors out there today!

Before I talk about “me”, I am going to ask you to pause a moment a pray for friends of mine, Mommy A and Daddy P who lost their little girl Molly yesterday born at 24 weeks, after a tough 30 hour fight. There really are no words to say to make the pain go away so I just ask that all my readers out there, lift up a prayer for them today, praying that God brings their family comfort in a way only He can.

I have to say, following that up with prayers for myself seems difficult and selfish. I am comforted by the fact that we know that God hears all of our prayers and each is important to Him. ^“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.  And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.” (1 John 5:14-15)

My appointment on Wednesday went well – it was a difficult morning based on the fact that I realized I had been administering the wrong dosage of medication to myself, much less than what I was supposed to be. I walked into the appointment with the reality and fear that the cycle could be canceled. Instead, God chose to surprise us with better than anticipated results, showing 14 follicles, 2 already mature, and many more growing. We know that not each follicle carries an egg, or even one that has potential to be created into an embryo, but the volumes and my body’s response was great. In fact, my body responded so well, that had I not made the med error for 4 days straight, I likely would have overstimulated and ended up in the hospital. How’s that for God answering prayers??

My labs turned out great as well. I have an appointment this morning at 10:15  and my excitement from Wednesday has turned into fear. Fear that I might have too big of follicles and they might cancel the cycle. Fear that something happened between then and now that results in bad news. Fear that perhaps, although rare, I already ovulated and it’s all too late. It’s been a fearful morning for me, and I am not used to be so anxious about things. So I know it’s the enemy trying to attack my head and heart and for this, I recruit prayers from you. Please pray that 1) my body is exactly where they need it and want it to be, 2) that the doctor and nursing team have a clear direction on what the next steps will be for me and 3) that my mind would be at peace knowing that whatever happens, it’s in God’s hands.

I will update you all more later…Thank YOU!

(Hey, an 8 minute blog … not bad! I apologize for an grammatical or spelling errors!)

We are midst the next phase – Stimulation! It is absolutely surreal to be midst our first (and hopefully only) IVF cycle. I don’t think I ever really thought we would be here, TTC at this measure. But it’s certainly where God has led us and I joyfully embrace whatever He has planned for us!

So what’s this phase all about? Well, it started on Saturday and will last anywhere from 9- 12 days. Essentially now that we have verified things are “quiet”, we now begin quickly attempting to develop multiple follicles, which will soon result in egg maturation and retrieval. Our doctor is now beginning to monitor the growth and development of my follicles. Thus far, I have had some labs run to measure my estradoil levels and starting Wednesday, will have ultrasounds either daily or every other day.  It’s really important during this phase to ensure the cycle is being carefully monitored so that my doctor can help me adjust my medication dosages if needed and so that we can time the egg retrieval carefully.

So how does the stimulation occur, you might be asking … SHOTS! (Sometimes I sing the LMFAO song in my head.) I self administer between 3-4 shots a day, ones every 12 hours. They are not bad at all! I really was worried this would be the hardest part – I mean, who wants to give themselves shots with long needles multiple times a day? But truthfully, just between you and me, they are actually kind of fun. They are all in my stomach at this point, around my belly button. They go into a different spot each time and I do have a nice variety of bruises on my tummy. But they are pretty painless. The thin needle goes into a fatty part of my stomach and rarely draws blood. I think some days getting the needles ready is far more overwhelming. Some of the meds you have to mix yourself and all the needles I have to draw up myself. There are vials to load into special pens, switching needle tips, making sure there are no air bubbles … honestly, that’s the worse part! I have had fun making some home videos of the shots and trying to figure out the new meds. While I will never show them to anyone besides Josh, it’s been fun tracking the journey and process.

So how am I feeling? Mentally and spiritually – great. I am on top of my game, embracing this. It’s truly so exciting to be a part of this cycle with a higher percentage of success, along with the simple peace that God is with us and right next to me every step (and shot). Physically – I have had better times. Honestly, with all the meds that we have done and tried in the past, no side effect is “new” or any surprise. It’s the same thing, sometime intensified or mixed with a few other symptoms. I am SO grateful that I am able to tackle however I am feeling at home and not at work. Probably the most frequent side effect so far has been headaches. I have never been a headache person and these ones make me want to bash in my eye sockets (not to be dramatic). Hot flashes are less frequent now, maybe 1-2 every other day. My body is physically exhausted in a way I haven’t felt before. I can tell it has no idea what is going on and it just wants to sleep all day. I washed the dishes tonight and it felt like an accomplishment that deserved a banner. Cramps are present and expected. But truthfully, none of the side effects aren’t ones I can handle with a smile (and a nap). I feel the extreme emotion creeping up on me. Today for example, I was sitting and watching Ellen and as soon as she said it was the “12 Days of Christmas” I started that awkward “I’m crying but I don’t know why” cry. I just kept thinking how glad I was that no one else was there and wondering if I was crying because I was happy or sad. I never figured that out, I think I was just crying. (Seriously?) But I find myself watering up at simple things, like watching my dog sleep (“She seriously, *sniff* is the cutest *sniff* dog *sniff* eevvvveerrrrrrr.” Or at receiving a Christmas card in the mail (“Theeeeyyyyy reemembeerreeedddddd ussssssss.”

Josh has been so great, of course. He carefully studies what is going on and tries to refer to it casually in conversation. “So honey, how are your ovaries feeling?”, “You do the Follistim shot tonight right? 150 cc’s?” “How are your heat sweats?” (Huh??? Ohhh, you mean hot flashes. Too cute.) I couldn’t ask for a better partner to go through this with. He even hates watching shots and diligently sits at the counter every morning and evening and cheers me on. (“Honey, you are so strong, you got this.”) Such a great support system!

Plus – all of you! Seriously, every message, every text, every card, and every prayer – they mean SO much more than you will ever know! Having people checking in and caring keeps me going through each day. Just love you all!

Keep the prayers coming! Honestly, with every appointment and day that passes, it’s so evident that I am SURROUNDED by prayers. They are being answered and I feel such comfort. I will be better about blogging over this next week when a lot will be happening. A couple of specific prayer requests if you could –

• Pray against Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS). This usually occurs as a result of all of the hormone medications I am taking. In OHSS, the ovaries become swollen and painful, overstimulating and can cause a lot of complications with the cycle, including hospitalization. We DON’T want this to happen!
• That my body continues to respond appropriately and create the amount of follicles I am capable of and that will lead to a great egg retrieval. I have had issues developing follicles in the past so I just want our next appointment on Wednesday to show development that is positive.
• Strength for a busy day on Saturday. I have a packed day: a doctor’s appointment, a baby shower and hosting/ running our company Christmas party. I am feeling anxious knowing how exhausted I have been the last week when I am busy for 2 hours, then thinking about keeping up all that energy for a whole day while likely not feeling great has me a little concerned. Prayers for discernment on that day and knowing my limits would be great.

I close with this great passage from 1 Samuel 1:

Once after a sacrificial meal at Shiloh, Hannah got up and went to pray. Eli the priest was sitting at his customary place beside the entrance of the Tabernacle. Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord. And she made this vow: “O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime, and as a sign that he has been dedicated to the Lord, his hair will never be cut.” As she was praying to the Lord, Eli watched her. Seeing her lips moving but hearing no sound, he thought she had been drinking.“Must you come here drunk?” he demanded. “Throw away your wine!” “Oh no, sir!” she replied. “I haven’t been drinking wine or anything stronger. But I am very discouraged, and I was pouring out my heart to the Lord. Don’t think I am a wicked woman! For I have been praying out of great anguish and sorrow.” “In that case,” Eli said, “go in peace! May the God of Israel grant the request you have asked of him.” “Oh, thank you, sir!” she exclaimed. Then she went back and began to eat again, and she was no longer sad.

I feel like our prayers filled with anguish and sorrow have been heard. We are waiting with anticipation to see how God answers us. But we are filled with peace as we wait. And that is the biggest blessing of all.