I sat down earlier this afternoon and started to blog. My first paragraph was about my love for the spring weather that has hit us, the fact that my blog celebrated its ONE YEAR anniversary this last week, and how grateful I was to have minimal side effects thus far. My exact sentences were “My side effects have been strangely so minimal that I daily question if the medication is working. Would it not be the extreme exhaustion and the fact that my blood work is signifying its working, I would be concerned. In fact, I have not even had a really bad hot flash yet.”

It was after I typed that sentence that my dog, Cali, began barking at the noise across the street. Our neighbors were outside with their 5 kids and small dog, Sassy, that Cali loves playing with, was teasingly come up our lawn. Cali’s barking and racing into the library to beg me to let her outside was enough to pull me away from typing and let her race around outside. I followed her out to talk with our neighbor, we will call her D, and well, the following story took place:

(C and D outside, on street, watching the dogs run around and kids chasing them, talking about porches and decks, fence estimates and the weather, the dogs and voles … you know, neighborly stuff).

D: We saw Josh working outside yesterday, putting the stones around the tree rings … they look so nice!

C: Uh huh! He worked so hard on that! I think they turned out really nice. *hot flash begins to hit*

D: continuing to talk about landscape

C: (in my head), Oh my gosh, I am so hot. And dizzy. And hot. And dizzy. I need to sit down.

D: …and they didn’t even call back with the deck bid! He isn’t getting my business!

C: I need to sit down. I am going to pass out. Everything is fuzzy.

I then squatted down pretending to pet the dogs who wanted nothing to do with being pet. As I crouched on the ground, realizing how awkward this looked, I took a few deep breaths.

D: … and Sassy just loves this weather. She sleeps in the sun all day …

C: (interrupting), I am so sorry, I have to go. I feel like I am going to pass out. Reattempting to stand back up

D: Oh my gosh! Are you ok? Are you hyperglycemic? (random question to ask?)

It was then I realized I would not be able to stand up. Everything was going black and I just turned slightly and fell back into the grass, first trying to awkwardly sit an angle so it wasn’t so weird (let’s face it, it was so awkward), then realizing I had to get flat. I was covered in sweat, felt like I couldn’t breathe and was convinced if it didn’t improve quickly, D was going to call an ambulance.

(Meanwhile, the 5 children raced around me, still chasing the dogs and screaming. D stood about 2 feet from me as I lay on our grass, eyes closed, trying to breath, praying she would go away.)

D – to her son: J, Honey, can you run in the house and get Mommy a bottle of water?

C: I want to be inside. I need to explain this to her in case I do pass out and she does call 911.

C: I am so sorry, I am doing IVF and these hormones … (pause to avoid throwing up and passing out completely)

D: launches into the friend of a friend who went through this, had twins, admits that she is pregnant with their 6^th and due in November and shares their TTC story.

Meantime, I am trying to raise my head slightly, wondering why it’s taking J five minutes to get a bottle of water (which he never got, but did manage to find himself a juice box, haha.)

The longer I lay in the grass, the worse it got. I was so embarrassed. D continued to talk, trying to pretend like this wasn’t so uncomfortable (it was) and Cali, realizing I was down, raced over to help me, which included trying to lay on my face (not helping the hot flash). I felt like I spent 10 minutes apologizing for this and when I realized standing up wouldn’t be possible, but getting into the house was necessary, I waved goodbye and then … crawled … to my front door, dogs following behind me and, mortified, laid in the front entry way till I was able to walk over to the couch, call Josh,and drink some water.

What an afternoon right??

So with that said, my side effects have included exhaustion and now a lovely hot flash, haha. I mean, I know it happens! I want to go over to my neighbor’s house and apologize for the incredibly awkward situation and for mainly ignoring her as she talked. I am just glad I wasn’t at a store or driving. Such are the side effects of the hormones. Sigh. : )

Anyways, I completely digress from a real update! Let’s see, last Thursday my blog did celebrate its ONE YEAR anniversary! Yeah! It’s crazy to think that I have had this blog for only a year and already a year. It’s been an exceptional experience for me – opening up our story to all of you and receiving as a result, so many prayers and loving encouragement. Means the world to us.

I told you all about our need for prayers for last Friday’s doctor appointment to get the final approval to start the next step in the cycle. I continued to gain some anxiety about that appointment the closer it got. My body was responding so differently to the Lupron injections this time around, I was just certain that things weren’t going the way they were supposed to. But low and behold, everything was working right and my ovaries were nice and quiet, ready to launch into rapid stimulation. I was cleared to begin, and did begin, our stimulation medications on Saturday. My blood work came back great that day and I was relieved to cross this first hurdle. I did feel a little off on Friday, like the start of this cycle was too good to be true. I felt apprehensive, like I was waiting for a shoe to drop, for bad news to come, for the phone to ring and them to tell me they made a mistake and misread the ultrasound or lab results. But the call never came.

Today I went in for more testing and when the nurse called, I prepared myself for news that the cycle was cancelled, the numbers were off, the medicine wasn’t working. But again, everything looked great. No change in the plan. “Come in on Wednesday for your first follicle count and more blood work.”

Deep breaths.

I read a paragraph from Jesus Calling the other night that had a sentence that stuck out to me – “…wait on me in confident trust.” I feel like it wouldn’t have been convicting if it had said “wait on me in trust.” I feel like for the most part, I am doing that! I am trusting God has this in His control, that He is one step ahead of us, yet completely in the present with us. Yet that word “confident” completely threw me into a conviction.

Confident: firmly trusting and believing, being sure of one’s successfulness, having strong certainty. being full assured.

Could I say that my trust in God was fully-assured? That day, no. I was waiting for everything to go wrong. I felt like I shouldn’t be celebrating, like something bad was to come. There was nothing “confident” about how I was feeling. Trusting, yes, not firmly or with a strong certainty. The devotion went on to say “There is both a passive and an active side to trusting Me (God).” I feel like some days I have one or the other – the passive side sits around writing/saying/telling others that I am trusting! The active side of me continues to administer shots and pray they work. But I am scared. I am trusting but still trying to hold a little bit back just in case. That’s not what I am called to do.

It’s scary to let go of complete control. To trust with confidence when you want something so bad. When you are scared. When you are worried. But isn’t that what having a relationship with God is all about? Knowing that He is carrying our burdens and worries, that He is in control?

Proverbs 19:21 says “You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.” How quickly I can forget that no matter what my plans are, God’s purpose will succeed. I am simply called to live and walk in a way that is in line with His character.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 NIV)

How many of us are trying to co-carry our burdens and worries? Here God, you can take the potatoes and milk, but I will still carry a few light bags. Maybe we are giving over most of our worries and concerns, but after walking, even with the lightest bags, our hands still start to hurt. The plastic bag pulls at our wrists, it becomes uncomfortable and we start to wish we could get rid of them. The great news is we can. And all it takes is having confident trust that He is fully capable of carrying all the bags. All of our worries and concerns, our fears and our issues.

I am a work in process. I have really good moments and ones where I try tugging back that trust. But I know that no matter WHAT happens, He will be there to catch and hold us, so I can’t waste my energies focusing on what could go wrong.

Amen? Amen.

So what’s next for us … well, I have appointments just about every day now. I continue to administer anywhere from 3 – 6 shots a day to myself. I am starting to feel very sluggish and bloated but know these days a minimal and will be worth it in the end. My moods have been relatively stable with the exception of a few shed tears here and there, mainly at an Ellen audience giveaways or touching America’s Funniest Videos of returning troops. I took an hour and a half nap today and it felt wonderful.

Many of you are asking when the egg retrieval will be – great question!! We actually won’t know when it is until about 48 hours beforehand. It all comes down to the size of the largest pack of follicles and when the doctor feels it’s time to “trigger” them to the final stages of maturation. Based on my body’s response last time, we are anticipated somewhere in the May 5 – 7 time frame. I will let everyone know as soon as I know.

In the meantime, keep praying that I can have confident trust in Him this whole cycle … and that I don’t have any more dramatic hot flashes on my lawn – or anywhere for that matter!! : )  Thank you for your continued caring messages and love. You are the best!

It feels slightly surreal to actually be blogging in the MIDST of a new cycle! The time has finally come! Yeah! Today was day 7 of my Lupron shots (the shots to suppress my ovaries) and so far, so good! It’s been nice knowing what to do, I am a pro at drawing the needle now, wham bam, it’s over. It’s so exciting and a little nerve wracking too.

I have found that the hardest part of this cycle already is one I didn’t anticipate … comparison. Oh my word. I have found myself in a constant battle of comparing each day, every side effect, ache and cramp to what happened that the last cycle. The hard part is that things have been SO different and my brain wants to run away with thoughts about the medicine not working and a million other “what if’s”. Why am I not getting hot flashes this time? Why do I have a weird dull ache in my abdomen? Why am I not spotting? Why am I crying? Why am I not crying? Why am I tired? Was I this tired last time? And the really tough medications – the stims – haven’t even really started yet! (Saturday) I am nervous about each appointments, every lining number update, ultrasound follicle count, blood work lab result, will be compared to last cycles. The last cycle, I got pregnant and am now worrying that anything less than or different than my first cycle will be a “bad” thing. The logical side of me knows that EVERYTHING can and will be different and that isn’t a bad thing. The physical and mentally-tired side of me is exhausted already fighting this battle.

I thought it would be so nice going into this cycle knowing what to expect. And a lot of it is nice. I don’t have to worry about that first time mixing the Menopur vials and using those tricky Q caps. And I won’t have to terrifyingly wonder if the horrific injection site burn is normal or if I did something wrong. I don’t have to worry about whether I am strong enough to give myself the injections everyday or if the egg retrieval will be painful or not. I know these things now. But now I am faced with a constant reminder that I am not the one in control.

Hebrews 10 (MSG) paraphrases a message that my heart needed to hear today: “Remember those early days after you first saw the light?…Nothing set you back. So don’t throw it all away now. You were sure of yourselves then. It’s still a sure thing! But you need to stick it out, staying with God’s plan so you’ll be there for the promised completion. It won’t be long now, He’s on the way; He’ll show up most any minute….But we’re not quitters who lose out. Oh, no! We’ll stay with it and survive, trusting all the way.”

God is on the way! I am called to stay with it, to survive, to trust in Him completely throughout this wild unknown adventure. I keep reminding myself that any side effect, any ache or pain – or lack thereof – is entirely already known by God. He knows the outcome of this cycle. He knows the worries of my heart, He hears the prayers that have been raised, and He has already conquered this battle.

This week marks an important one in the world of infertility – National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). This week  is used to spread awareness of infertility and I have loved reading some many amazing blogs and posts written by fellow women struggling with this. Did you know 1 in 8 couples will struggle with infertility? That’s about 7.3 million people in the US and about 12% of women of childbearing age. Typically about a third of the time it’s attributed to the female partner (as it is in our case), a third of the time the male partner, and the last third, a combination of the two or is unexplained. Now, I don’t mean to just throw a bunch of stats at you, but It’s still amazing to me that so many people don’t realize that infertility is an actual disease that results in the abnormal functioning of our bodies. A disease. It’s not something that simply relaxing will fix. Would you say that to someone with cancer or diabetes? “Just relax! You’ll get better!” It’s not something that is easy to just “accept”. “Maybe you just weren’t meant to be parents.” There are so many medical interventions now, many of which you have seen us try, and the great news is that 65% of women who seek medical intervention end up giving birth. What’s even crazier is that less than 3% of those struggling with infertility require advanced treatments like IVF. (What what!? Way to be a rebel and stand out from the crowd, haha!).

One way that people show support during NIAW is by wearing pink and blue. You may see women with pink and blue nail polish on this week – a common demonstration during NIAW – and if you do, say a silent prayer for them. This is a disease that far too little insurance companies support and is easily written off. But it’s not that easy. It creates such a physical, emotional, spiritual and financial burden on those suffering from it. And all we want is to be parents. Bah, it’s tough.

Anyways, like I mentioned, the Lupron shots are going well so far. I have to laugh, last time I was so focused on the exact minute, location, and perfection of each shot and that hasn’t been as possible this time around. On Friday morning I drew my needle in the basement bathroom stall at the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport as a child cried outside, complaining about really having to go to the bathroom. (I walked out with my needle to drop in the sharps container and felt like a junkie while the mother glared at me.) On Sunday I was in the handicap stall in a McDonald’s in Orlando making my needle up on a diaper changing table while people kept trying to open the door. “Just a moment please!” I carried around a lunchbox for two days with medication refrigerating in there and a doctor’s note tucked inside my purse in case anyone asked why I was carrying around needles. (No one did, kind of disappointing.) This cycle feels much more laid back. Yes, I am still giving myself my shot at the same time of day and have the same nice lovely bruises on my tummy, but it’s not as rigid. It’s kind of nice.

I have had 2 Instagram friends – Rachel and Kristen – send me packages filled with lucky socks to wear to doctor’s appointments (among other fun girly thins!). I can’t wait to slip my feet into the stir-ups and see my anchor socks, or pink glittery socks stare back up at me, reminding me of all the prayers and support we have. It’s such an incredible blessing. An extra special thank you to them!

My first doctor’s appointment is on Friday morning and its there that they will look to ensure the suppression medication has worked, that my body is quiet and my lining is thin. They will do blood work to ensure everything is at a good baseline to start the quick stimulation process. They need to make sure none of my cysts have changed or grown since a month ago, as a change in that would likely result in a canceled cycle. It’s a big appointment. It’s the first big clearance and I want everything to be perfect. Please join us in saying a prayer that it goes well!!

“Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart.” (Jeremiah 1:5) God knows my baby/babies right now. Even before the follicles have formed, before the uterus is ready to carry them, before the embryos have been created. It’s amazing. He really is in control of all of this. Now just to remember that on a minute by minute basis …. ;)