impact.

April 8, 2015April 8, 201519 Comments

Every time we cycle I think “God, you have the platform to show everyone Your power!”. I wait expectantly for Him to show up, for Him to show that prayer does pay off, that He does hear us, that my faith isn’t resting in someone incapable. I often get discouraged afterwards, thinking “God!! You aren’t looking too good here! This was Your moment!” It isn’t a pride thing, I just genuinely want each and every person reading this to see the power of God at play, as well as the tender heart that He has.

That being said, with each failed cycle and with every miscarriage I wonder how it’s going to impact the people surrounding us. Is this going to cause someone to lose faith? Is this going to cause someone to doubt Him? I struggle with this battle of feeling pain from our own sadness but then also feeling like God is letting you down, those investing and trusting with us. I continue to pray that despite the failures and the pain that we are feeling, that you would still be comforted in whatever you are going through, that you stay hopeful that God can intercede in whatever your struggle is.

A week after we found out our March pregnancy wasn’t viable, I was doing some hardcore searching for how He was going to use this to impact others positively. That’s when I ran across a quote in a book that said “Looking back, my disappointment may have been the best gift I could have given (you). (You) need a God who is not just equated with blessings. (You) need a God who can walk with you in your pain.”

Reading that was like a healthy slap in the face. It was God’s way of saying Chelsea, the people around you don’t just need to see a God that always gives blessings, even though I can and do. These people around you right now need to see that I am also a God that walks with His children when they are hurting.

Friends, I ache for the day our prayers are answered and we can stand here and celebrate His incredible goodness, blessings and answered prayers. But I also am gripped to convey to you that until that day comes, and even if it never does, that our God is so much bigger than our unanswered prayer request. God is so faithful to meet us in our pain, our sorrow and our tears. I know how your heart is strangled with anxiety, with wondering if your time with ever come, if this painful season you are dealing with will ever go away. I understand that the thoughts that keep you up at night, whether they are about illness, finances, relationship struggles or job concerns, make you wonder why God is not stepping in. Why doesn’t He just make this all better? We are praying, aren’t we? We are doing everything we can to move in a positive direction and yet nothing is happening.

This doesn’t mean He isn’t in it. As hard as that is to believe, as hard as it is to understand, it doesn’t mean that He has abandoned you, me, us. Even when God isn’t doing exactly what we want Him to do, He is still God! It seems unfair, He seems silent, it feels hopeless. As I was driving away from the doctor’s office yesterday, I felt like an old truck with rusty, flat, crooked tires.

Kacha, kacha, thud, kacha. Rust falling off, age showing, no air to be found, thudding over and over and over again.

But it was then I realized that in order to see God sometimes, instead of just looking in the same place, we have to zoom out. We may feel worn, but then we have to pull back, widen our gaze, look for Him in the unexpected places, which is exactly where He was hidden to remind me that He is in this, if not simply for you. Maybe today He wants to remind YOU that He is in the hard moments and that while He can be a God of miracles, He also meets you in your pain, questions and sorrows.

In Finding Faith in the Dark, author Laurie Short writes “God not only shouts to us in our pain; He often shouts to others through it. In some mysterious way, pain moves through our lives to touch others.”

This last week I have changed my prayer from that of “Let them see Your miraculous hand!” to one that prays “Let them find You in their pain.” I don’t want to be so focused on where I want God to be and how I want Him to act that I miss where He actually is. Today, this month, this week, He is waiting for me with arms of comfort, with a lap of peace and crawling next to me and reminding me to breathe.

He is faithful, even when He seems so unfaithful. I pray that our story, even in its hardships, refills your heart with the recognition that He is good, present, faithful and comforts us when we turn to Him. We can truly keep going, knowing that He has our backs.

friday favorites – april 3.

April 3, 2015April 3, 201510 Comments

FRIDAY FAVORITES! Oh goodness, it seems like it’s been ages since I have done this! Let’s not wait, here we go!

Favorite Devotional Reminder: Today is Good Friday, a day that overwhelms me with its meaning and reminds me deeply of my need for Him. Last year I wrote this post and can’t try to do today justice with words, but I do want to share this one reminder that I read this week. Proverbs 31 Ministries had a special devotional this week called ‘Moving from Grief to Grace’ and reading it just tore through my heart is such a good way. This part in particular was that major ah-ha moment:

At one of my lowest moments, realization and remembrance flooded my heart and mind: God lost His Son too, His only Son. The Father knew my loss, pain and brokenness oh so well.

That revelation was like supernatural glue applied to bind my wounded soul. The lost, dark, broken part receded as God proceeded to heal my broken heart with His love and light.

How about your lost plans, hopes and dreams? Are you bitter? Do you want to be better?

Are you ready to lay your heavy cares at the foot of the cross … and leave that burden there, so you can step into God’s plans for you? Jesus promised, “For My yoke is easy and My burden is light,” (Matthew 11:30, NKJV).

God’s plan for His Son was not what the people hoped for and expected as they celebrated the arrival of Jesus in Jerusalem that first Palm Sunday, then experienced His death on the cross by week’s end. They did not know Easter Sunday — His Son’s day — was coming.

Remember, friend … Sunday’s coming! Jesus arose from the grave by the grace of God to save and redeem us. He has plans for us that include a hope and a future, even when our plans are dashed and we can’t see beyond the overwhelming loss of now.

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future,’” (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV).

When I ache for my babies, this week especially, I will cling to the fact that God lost His Son too. God understands what grief feels like, what brokenness looks like, the intense feeling of agony. He also knows that Sunday comes … and I believe that Sunday WILL come for each of us in its own way. It may be how we think it will look or perhaps so much more than we could imagine.

This Easter let’s be comforted by the fact that He is in control and that His burden is light. Oh thank you Jesus.

Favorite Robe: I know this seems like a silly one, but I have always searched for the perfect robe. Not too long, not too short, not to bulky, not to thin. And, sound the alarm, I found it! I actually bought it several months ago at the Gap Outlet and tucked it away and completely forgot about it until a few weeks ago. Now that I have pulled it out, I am completely attached. If it was appropriate and acceptable to wear a robe in public, I would. The fabric is SO soft, it’s the perfect length and a great get-ready robe.

Favorite Surprise: Remember how I told you guys about my Shoulders on Wednesday? Well, my amazing instagram friends put together the best surprise package for me that arrived yesterday and totally blew my socks off. It was filled with notes and spring goodies, insanely generous gift cards and so many treats for Cali (which she adored!!!), candies and things I love. They even thought of including some fun things for me to do with my nieces. I mean seriously, how amazing are they!? Gestures like this BLOW ME AWAY. I am so humbled to be a recipient of goodness and feel so much love. I just want to burst.

Favorite Ministry: My friend Lynn from Sweet Birdie Blessings sent me this gorgeous necklace a month or two ago from her Etsy store and not only do I love the message it says, I love the ministry she has created! Her mission is supporting mom’s who have lost their baby due to miscarriage or stillbirth. She sends them a comfort package that contains tangible items to help them in the grieving processing as well as items to honor the loss of their child. She is in the beginning stages of creating these and sends them out as fast as she gets the items in. If you have any interest in donating any items, I know she would love it. (Items like Kleenex packs/travel tissues, lidded glass candles, pens, journals, ornaments, etc.). If you are interested in learning more, you can contact her at georgiaoates4 (at) gmail (dot) com. Her goal is to stock local OB offices with a container of these packages since many women learn about their loss at the doctor’s office. How wonderful is she!? Plus, this necklace is just such a blessing.

Favorite Night Out: My girlfriends Julie, Jana and myself checked out a new local restaurant, Bricks, this week and it was DELICIOUS! One thing I loved – everything on the menu can be made gluten free at no additional charge. Winning! Also, the fries are heavenly. Of course the best part was the conversation and the laughs that arose. So thankful for my girlfriends!

Favorite Bracelet: My friend Abby sent me the sweetest gift this week – this Alex and Ani ‘scared dove’ bracelet (along with the softest pair of socks ever!!!). I absolutely love these bracelets and never justify buying them myself, so this blessed me in a big way! Thanks so much Abby for your thoughtfulness. I will always think of you when I see it, as well as the reminders of peace and faith.

Favorite Thing I am Looking Forward to: My grandparents are coming up to Minnesota from Illinois next week and we are excited to spend some time with them! We will get the chance to celebrate my Nana’s birthday and play games, watch the Masters (okay, I might inadvertently nap) and enjoy their company. Watch out Minnesota, Nana and Grandpa Tedd are coming soon! :)

Favorite Devotional: I know I have shared this already on my Facebook and Instagram accounts but if you are looking for a new devotional, you have to check out Savor by Shauna Niequist. It’s a small page a day and offers a verse and portions of her previous books + new material. Worth checking out if you are looking for a quick daily read!

Favorite Funnies:

Oh and guess what else came this week!?! My #TTCLuckySocks exchange! My amazing partner Nikol went above and beyond and showered me with such amazing goodies! She blogs over at www.notjustabeautyblogger.com and just went through her 2^nd failed IVF cycle. If you could, send some thoughts and prayers her way. She’s such a positive gal and gearing up for a SUCCESSFUL 3rd cycle. I know it’ll happen! She has been a total blast to get to know through this exchange and I just adore this whole box. Thanks new friend!

I hope you all have a wonderful and BLESSED Easter! We are excited to celebrate with two brunches this year (wish our bellies luck!) and enjoy time with both of our families. I will see you next week for another post! XO!

shoulders.

April 1, 2015April 1, 201540 Comments

Oh hello April, when did you arrive?

It feels a little foreign sitting down to write a post again, although I have already written a million of them in my head over the last few weeks. How do I compact some of the toughest, yet most comforting 2 weeks of my life in one blog post? Well, I don’t. I don’t know that I am ready to write and share all I have been learning quite yet and want to allow the scabs to heal a bit more before opening them back up. That being said, I do imagine starting to peel back these lessons and emotions with you, slowly, like a stinky layered onion, because I know many of you can and will relate.

We spent the last week in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. We had a spring break trip planned with Josh’s family for a while and it hung out there as a tentative trip as we went through our IUI, got pregnant, lost the pregnancy and then waited to see what my beta numbers would do and if our doctor would clear me to go. Thankfully 2 days before take off, we got the okay to pack our bags and boy, was it a perfectly timed and needed trip.

Airport Starbucks … Check!

Two cute travel nieces … check!

Delicious ceviche!

Gorgeous sunsets.

A fun adventure parasailing.

A beautiful ocean hut we occupied daily.

Lots and lots of sunglasses and smiles. <3

Date nights.

Celebrating my MIL’s birthday.

Boardwalk nights with my man.

I spent most of my days floating in the pool, reading books and observing the world going on around me. One afternoon, two young boys, likely about 10 or 11, joined me by the island where I was lazily resting my legs by the wall as I floated. They were about 4 feet to my left, swimming back and forth from under the waterfall to the island, when they decided their next activity would be diving.

The one boy, we can call him Brad for the sake of the story, swam up to the side of the pool and using his arms to pull himself up, shot out of the pool and up onto the cement. His friend Kyle behind him, a little less athletic looking, casually attempted to do the same, without much success. Brad called to him as he stood above him –

B: Just use your arms, pull yourself up!

K: I’m trying.

B: Duck back under the water and then kick up against the wall, then pull yourself up!

K: attempts to do such, very unsuccessfully. It was almost painful to watch.

B: jumps back into the pool Watch, like this. Effortlessly rockets himself up onto the top of the pool.

K: an embarrassed tenth attempt Um, I just can’t.

Sidenote: I was empathizing so much with Kyle at this point. I am the kid that can’t get out of the pool without a ladder, my arm muscles failing me and I never can seem to do the athletic things other kids can do so easily. I’m certain the look on my face reflected the pain I felt for him.

Then, without another hesitation, Brad jumps back into the pool while Kyle tries to unsnag his t-shirt from the rocky pool wall. I floated a little closer as I listened to what Brad was telling Kyle.

B: Hey, okay, now I will go down and just stand on my shoulders and pull yourself up.

And just like that, Brad ducked under the water and his friend Kyle clumsily stood on his shoulders and as Brad stood up, Kyle had just enough height and momentum to lift him up over that pool lip and allow him to roll onto the cement. By the time he uprighted himself, Brad was back up on the island and giving the diving contest instructions.

Whoooooosh.

Both boys dived in next to me, Brad with a grace that made me wonder if he is on a swim team somewhere and Kyle with the kind of un-athleticism I tend to show. And then the two boys swam back to the wall.

B: Ready? Ducks under the water, again, allowing Kyle to stand on his shoulders and hurdles him up and out of the pool.

This happened over and over again. Brad quietly and without hesitation, helping his friend out of the water, even though his friend was a little embarrassed that he needed the help and even though it maybe seemed like Kyle shouldn’t need the help. But Brad just did it, like it was second nature.

Eventually the boys moved on to a new activity and I didn’t see them for the rest of the trip, but as they swam away, my sunglass covered eyes filled with tears because I realized that you guys have been my Brad these last few weeks.

I’ve been stuck in the pool and I am clawing my way up the wall, unsuccessfully attempting to do everything I know to get out of the sadness, the grief, the wonderment. And like its second nature, so many of you have dove into the pool with me and simply said Stand on my shoulders, I will help you out. And you have – you’ve sent texts, emails, cards, gift cards, packages filled with goodies to make me smile like pens, Starbucks mugs, massage gift cards, flowers. You have listened to me verbally vomit while sitting in a restaurant or while driving. You haven’t gotten exasperated, expecting me to get your instructions faster, you simply have jumped in and offered me your shoulders, over and over and over again.

Thank you.

Thank you for everything. Thank you for the grace you have extended as I clumsily try to climb onboard. Thank you for the patience as I repeat myself days in a row and the understanding that writing back to an email might just be overwhelming at the moment. I couldn’t do it without you.

Here’s the thing, we all need someone to offer us their shoulders and we also have times in our lives when we get to offer someone our shoulders. Choose your people wisely. There’s no way that Brad could have lifted up everyone in the pool, but his friend, his friend was a no-brainer, worth investing his energy in.

Over the last week, I have been reading a fantastic book called Finding Faith in the Dark: When the Story of Your Life Takes a Turn You Didn’t Plan (by Laurie Short) and I know that I will be referring to it often throughout the next several posts of mine. There’s one quote that has stuck with me. “Pain came into my life as an uninvited guest, and after trying to wish it away, I followed it. It turns out God was in the darkness of my pain. It didn’t change my circumstances. But it changed me.” I am continuing to learn that when these really yucky, crappy, sucky seasons of pain come into our life, we can get bitter or we can follow it and find God in it. I love how Jesus Calling said it yesterday, “The more intimately you experience Me, the more convinced you become of my goodness.”

God has surrounded me intimately in my pain and as a result, I have been able to see His hand of goodness even in the midst of this tough battle. I still have questions, I still wonder a lot of things and I still feel angry and sad at times, but I am learning to widen my gaze so that I can find Him in this.

So with that, I’m back. It might take a few days or weeks to regather my momentum, but I’m back and I am so thankful for you.

guest post: for better or for worse.

March 16, 20159 Comments

We are overwhelmed and grateful for the support and prayers that you have all offered us over the last few days.We have read every word, each comment, every email and felt significantly blessed to walk through such a hardship with the love of those around us. Thank you. Thank you for embodying Romans 12:15: “Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.” We are continuing to strive forward while tending to our hearts and accepting the peace and mercy that He is offering to us in these moments.

In other news, I am excited today to share with you a guest post that I wrote for Ever Upward entitled For Better or For Worse. When Justine first asked to write a guest post, YES was my immediate answer! Justine’s blog has been a blessing to me as she writes about her stories and struggles, weaving together hope and recovery and ultimately, how to fight to define yourself after dealing with loss, trauma and tragedy. I am even MORE excited to share that her new book, Ever Upward: Overcoming the Life Long Losses of Infertility to Define Your Own Happy Ending hits the bookstore shelves on April 7th and invite you all to pre-order a copy or check it out once it’s out!

The guest post (which you can read HERE) is timely, as it talks about how thankful I am for the gift of marriage, especially in light of the tragedies and hardships that Josh and I have faced. These last few days have reminded me even more of the blessing that he is to me.

So, without further ado, I ask you to head on over to Justine’s blog at Ever Upward and check out my post there!

{Click here to be transferred to her site}

Would you mind continuing to keep us in your prayers? Although I have stopped all my medications, I still have not started the miscarrying process and can tell that my body is really confused. I have been dealing with some severe cramping but nothing else. My past two miscarriages both resulted in a beta nightmare, ultimately needing a D&C with one of them, and I just pray that my body can handle this in the simplest manner possible. I will go back on Wednesday for some more blood work, so if you could be pro-actively praying for “good” results, that would be great. Thank you friends.

it’s okay to feel.

March 12, 2015March 12, 20155 Comments

Infertility comes with such a complex mixture of emotions. If you are anything like me, it’s almost shocking to know that such a wide range of feelings can be compacted down into one heart, one mouth, one brain. My emotions sometimes remind me of a compound butter. It seems so neat when cold and molded into a little ball but then once it hits anything hot, it melts, explodes, leaks all over. Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like your emotions are just leaking all over, so many feelings adding layers of complexity? No one else feels like THIS, do they? Why am I not handling this better? Why am I melting all over the place?

I am here to tell you today that everything you are feeling is normal. Every emotion, as complex as it is, seems to be part of the complex recipe that is infertility. Let me reassure you today that if you have felt any of these emotions, you are in good company:

(Click Here to Continue Reading)

(Would you mind clicking so I can reach my goal number of view for my writing gig at Fertility Authority? THANKS FRIENDS!)

Oh, and a few quick notes:

There will be no Friday Favorites this week … stay tuned for a double dose next week!
All emails for the TTC Lucky Socks exchange are out! If you have not heard from me and have gotten a confirmation email from me when you signed up, email me at ttcexchange@gmail (dot) com.
Keep us in your prayers!

XO!

friday favorites – march 6.

March 6, 201525 Comments

Happy Friday! First of all, I am so excited about all the participants sending over their information for the Lucky Sock Exchange! There have already been a few hundred women who have signed up and if you haven’t sent over your email yet, don’t delay! The deadline to get in is March 11^th.

Oh my word. I am wiped. This round of 2WW meds have kicked my butt. I have so many things I need to care about and can’t muster up a single ounce of energy to do anything. I’m currently on estrogen pills three times a day. Three times a day I swallow the infertile’s little blue pill and embrace all of the side effects that come with it. Mild nausea, bloating like you wouldn’t believe, boobs that have blown up like Heidi Montag’s. If I am inside my house (or my car), you can be assured that my bra is off. Then I throw in some progesterone, vaginal suppositories, and thanks to insurance being un-supportive of people (me) who can’t have babies, shove a $12 pill into me via a cheap plastic dispenser three times a day. As if that wasn’t enough, I also am getting nightly progesterone in oil (PIO) injections into the back of my hip/butt. I walk like I have pulled a muscle but it’s because I ache from the injection sites. This cycle, more than others, I have experienced extreme dizziness when standing and have learned this is a progesterone side effect. Oh what fun. And the tiredness, don’t even get me started. I feel like I am operating like a zombie. Natural hormones are tough to deal with, but synthetic hormones add a whole other level of struggles. Yozzers.

But you know what? I try to welcome it all. Because one day, SOME DAY, this will all be worth it. I know not everyone has the chance to try to start a family and so, because of that, I grimace and ice up my butt one more night, I swallow one more pill, and I pray to God that this will end sooner than later.

Do I sound like I am complaining? I am sorry, I am trying not to. My brain and body are just so tired, my fingers verbally vomiting what it’s been like to be me the last week/several years. I am writing this down because I want to remember it. I want to remember this. As hard as it is, there is beauty in the process and one day, my child(ren) will know exactly how much their mama wanted them.) Don’t get all excited by my side effects thinking THAT MUST MEAN YOU ARE PREGNANT! Nah, it really is just the side effects of my meds. So, if you are looking for me, I will be laying on my kitchen floor trying to muster up the energy to sit up and do the dishes. (And note, I am not looking for sympathy. I will be completely fine! I just can’t wait to one day feel all of these side effects because there is a baby in my tummy, not simply because I am trying to get a baby in my tummy.)

Thanks for engaging in my online therapy session. Now, without further ado, let’s dive right into Friday Favorites!

Favorite Replacement: I FINALLY got a new iPhone case (to replace a cheap and peeling one I bought a while ago), and love it! It’s nice having a hard case, a first for me as I have always had that flexible kind, plus the colors make me happy. Thanks Sister for helping me pick it out and encouraging me to finally get to the store to get one!

Favorite Pin: I love these kinds of drapey sweaters and am adoring the colors in this one. Can you tell I am ready for spring? Or maybe I am just envious of skin that isn’t translucent like mine. *gulp*

Favorite Family Show Down: We had a blast on Sunday playing cards with my family. We call it “poker” but all that means is we have a deck of cards and a pile of change, playing our own modifications of the game. I learned that I must be storing up all my luck for this IUI cycle but regardless, enjoyed sharing in a Sunday afternoon filled with laughs and shuffling.

Cali loves her auntie!

“whats going on outside guys?”

Favorite Kitchen Product: This indoor grill is just the best. If you live in a state that has 6 months of winter like I do, this is a lifesaver. Who wants to grill outside in the cold when you can turn your stove into a grill? I use my grill pan all the time and it’s worth the investment! (Or add it to your birthday or Christmas list like I did!) I have had mine for about 7 years and it’s still going strong. (There’s a flat side and a griddle side. It’s perfect for everything!)

(image found on Crate and Barrel’s website)

Favorite Bit of Drama: Oh the Women Tell All episode of the Bachelor. My head could barely handle the confrontation, TEARS, drama and awkward tension. Going into the finale, I am Team Whitney (for Chris). I love Becca and what she stands for, I really think she is a quality gal, but for Chris, I think Whitney will be a better long term match. That being said, who knows!!! Can’t wait for 3 hours of the most dramatic finale ever. (PS – Chris Harrison wrote a book? Was anyone else like this when he announced that?)

Favorite Date: We had a blast on Saturday night on a triple date with some of our close friends. Chili’s (hello chips and salsa! Swoon.) + bowling (this post-iui gal sat out on the actual bowling) made for a hilarious, laugh-filled evening. I am so thankful for friendships like this.

Favorite Make-over: Cali got her spring hair cut! She’s feeling so fly.

the morning of)

(after!)

Favorite Funnies:

There you have it! And can I note, since I originally started writing this post, I ran across this verse in Luke 9 (MSG): “Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how.” Bah. Leave it to God to remind me that suffering is okay and that I need to take my eyes off of the suffering itself and turn them to Him. Well there you have it folks, He is constantly speaking to us all in all our situations, we just have to make ourselves available to listen.

Until next time! XO!

pray about it.

March 3, 201520 Comments

I love playing the This or That game with kids, you know, the game where you offer up two choices and ask them which their favorite is. It’s so fun to see them think through the two options – popcorn or strawberries? winter or summer? the slide or a swing? – you get my drift.

So a few weeks ago I sat at Red Robin, across from my 4 year old niece Scarlett, and we played this game.

C: Would you rather have pizza or hamburgers?

S: Egg salad.

C: Which do you like best, pink or blue?

S: Purple.

C: Would you rather ride a horse or a dolphin?

S: A unicorn.

C: Do you like cats better or dogs?

S: How’s Cali? What do you think she’s doing right now?

(It was evident our little game was over.)

C: She’s probably sleeping. Her leg has been hurting her lately so I bet she’s resting it.

S: How about we just pray about that right now? folds hands, bows head Dear God, please make Cali’s leg feel better and for her to be all better. Amen. See? You just gotta pray about it.

C: speechless …. You’re right! Thanks for praying for her! I am so glad that God hears all of our prayers, aren’t you?

S: Oh yes. Hey, can I get some ranch?

Just like that our prayer moment was over. I have to be honest, the whole response went so fast I am not even sure if I managed to get my eyes closed or my hands folded before we were on to the next subject, but the moment has lingered in my heart.

What is it about that simple, childlike faith that makes prayer seem SO natural, a first response, a simple breath of words shot straight up to God’s ears? If you’re anything like me, it can sure be a lot easier to talk about our problems instead of praying about our struggles. I have spent a lot more time telling people about how I am worried about Cali’s arthritic leg than I have talking to my Father about my worries about her leg. Sometimes it just is easier to complain about our struggles then to pray about them.

Or I do ask. Once, maybe twice. In all honesty, sometimes it can be so hard for me to continue to pray the same prayer every day – Lord, please, I am begging you, answer our prayers for a family. Let this cycle work. Provide us with the child that our hearts long for. Next day, repeat. Next month, repeat. Next year, repeat. My prayers seem a lot more weary then they used to be and it’s become easier to write about my struggles, talk about my struggles, process my struggles over coffee (or wine) … but it can often seem redundant to keep repeating my struggles in prayer. But why is that?

Scarlett taught me the simplicity of a simple prayer that day over hamburger buns and ranch. How about we just pray about that right now? When our hearts are aching or we feel the weight of someone in our minds, why don’t we just pray about that right now? The beauty of prayer is that it doesn’t need to be complex! It doesn’t need to follow a specific formula, it just needs to be genuine and brought to His feet. There are times I have no words left to pray. Those are the days I just need to whisper up Lord, help.

I have read Romans 8 multiple times but this week I ran across it in the Message translation and these verses stung my heart in a powerful way – I know they will touch you too:

“These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.” (Romans 8:25-28)

I don’t know about you but I want to read these verses over and over and over again. I am so thankful that the Holy Spirit does our praying for us when we simply can’t anymore. And I am thankful for others who lift up prayers for us on our behalf. But I also need to remember that my tendency to ‘talk about it more than I pray about it’ has to be worked on too. There will be a lot of one line breath prayers reaching heaven’s gate from my mouth. I don’t ever want to be caught talking about something more than I know I am praying about something. I don’t want to waste any more of my life asking for answers without going to HIM for those answers.

Help me friends. Let’s keep one another accountable to putting our hope in Him, not in our circumstances, and doing that by bringing Him our lives in prayer. I know this is an area I certainly need to work on.

friday favorites – february 27.

February 27, 201513 Comments

Happy Friday! Let’s skip all the introduction fluff today and get right to the point – blue and black or white and gold? AHHH! I mean seriously, what the heck is going on!? If you are anything like us, you spent way too much time getting involved in the great debate yesterday and today, arguing what you see. I only see white and gold, while Josh only sees black and blue. This is baffling and yes, I have read many of the reasons “why” this is happening, but still, bottom line, it’s confusing and had me in absolute hysterics last night as I watched Facebook comments come in. Between the dress and the llamas, it was a wild media day. (HA!)

(If you haven’t already seen “the dress”, let me know what colors you think it is below!)

Alright, moving on, Friday Favorites, here we go!

Favorite Moment: Awww, of course it had to be our IUI yesterday! Can I just tell you how much your prayers worked? The IUI itself was the EASIEST procedure EVER! I’m serious, I didn’t feel a thing and even the nurse was a little flustered afterwards, saying that it was the easiest one she has ever done. It maybe took 45 seconds and man, it was evident that God’s hand was on it, especially since the last time my uterus was clipped and was more painful. So yay answered prayers!!!! THANK YOU for all of the excitement, encouragement, support, thoughts, prayers and love sent this week approaching it and then yesterday. You all are such a gigantic blessing to us!

calling this our first family picture minus cali :)

Favorite Video: I saw this IF: Gathering video pop up on my feed the other day and am SO glad that I took the 9 minutes to watch it. It’s all about self-care and making sure that we are balancing our roles and duties with the need to also take care of ourselves. While some of it spoke to parenting, I learned so much in that segment too. It’s worth a watch! Or throw it on and listen to it while you get ready in the morning. Two of my favorite quote take-aways are:

“If you don’t leave margin in your day, some time for you to be you … everything suffers.”
“If my goal is to be a gift to the people that God entrusted in my life, I have to take care of myself. It’s like putting oil in a car. You can’t expect water from a stone. You have to keep nourishing and nurturing yourself if you want to have anything to give to the people around you.”

Take a listen! (PS – If you aren’t following IF: Gathering online and taking advantage of their daily devotions, you are missing out! Check out their site at https://ifgathering.com/.)

Favorite Fellowship: On Tuesday night I was able to host several of the ladies from my Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) small group for a time of fellowship and sharing, and boy, it was so special! I am so thankful that God brings together women of all different ages, seasons, and walks and then teaches us so much using the same Bible passages. That night was so refreshing!

Favorite Jam Session: Oh guys, you know when you are driving and all of a sudden a song comes on that brings out your inner super singing star? That happened to me on one morning and thankfully I was alone because me and Phil Collins CRUSHED In the Air Tonight. I mean, you should have SEEN my drum solo at the end. Sigh, radio win.

Favorite Hint of Spring: These tulips, lovely. A friend from my BSF group brought them over on Tuesday evening and their presence has totally brightened up my house this week. I have a special place in my heart for tulips too, as they were given to me last Mother’s Day by my friend Jana and also by my husband after a transfer on Mother’s Day the year before. I always think of those special moments of being a heavenly mom and have the feelings of being cared for when I see these colorful bulbs. They are the perfect flower to have around the house during this 2WW. Thanks again Ashley!

Favorite Print: I got this print from She Reads Truth and I just love it. This verse from Lamentations is everything I need: “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” (3:22-23 ESV). I can’t get enough of the reminder that His love is steadfast, His mercies are new every morning and He is nothing but faithful. Faithfulness, mercy and love are all things I need every second of the day. My life is too messy, broken, imperfect and tough without Him. I love this print!

Favorite Funnies: I was thoroughly amused by several Oscar meme’s this time – can you tell?

Another Friday of giggling! Thanks to everyone who contributes to Friday Funnies by sending over your favorites too! This is such a team effort!

Congratulations to Liz E. for being the winner of the Jamberry Nail Wraps + Manicure Kit! If you didn’t win but are interested in ordering some wraps for yourself, check out my cousin Lindsey’s page who generously and thoughtfully donated this fun stuff! Thanks Linds! And thanks to everyone who entered and played along in these giveaways this month. It’s been so much fun and I wish I had free things to give to all of you.

Can I ask for two specific prayer requests during this 2WW- one, for this cycle to be a success (duh, obviously) and two, for my Progesterone in Oil (PIO) injections that start tonight. I had significant hip/leg/butt nerve damage occur from these shots back in 2013 and I am a little concerned that further damage will occur. Josh is the best shot giver for these injections (lovely 2″ inch needles injected into my butt/hip area), so pray that his hand is guided to spots that wouldn’t cause any more issues. It’s complete bad luck that the nerve damage happened the first time, he did everything right. I just pray that this basketball sized area of no-feeling isn’t further irritated. Thanks for those prayers!

Okay, let’s get our Friday on now. Have a great weekend friends!

Have you had a chance to sign up for the next TTC exchange? Make sure to send your email over no later than March 11th! The spots are quickly filling up!

Lucky Sock Exchange.

February 25, 2015February 25, 201533 Comments

Guess what time it is!? Time for our next TTC Exchange! This time …. Lucky Socks! If you are interested in finding out more, click (here to continue reading} and get all of the FAQ’s on the exchange, plus learn how to sign up! You aren’t going to want to miss it! The deadline to sign up is Wednesday, March 11th, don’t delay! The link will bring you to a page that will answer all these questions you have, like:

You’re intrigued right!? Click on over! There is also a spot for you to link up your blog to the exchange so make sure you do that too! (You can also find the info page on my Menu tab of the blog or by using this address: https://trialsbringjoy.com/lucky-sock-exchange-2015/)

Ok, another fun thing – guess what happened last night!? That’s right, my trigger shot! My appointment yesterday showed a few perfectly-sized follicles and great 9+ triple striped lined, which means our IUI is a go for Thursday (tomorrrrrrow!). Keep us in your prayers as we try this again … fingers crossed it’s our last one ever.

trigger shot time!

doesn’t everyone have a lucky baby troll?

See you back here for Friday Favorites! XO!

Q & A part 3.

February 23, 201529 Comments

Happy Monday! Hard to believe we have reached the end of our Q & A post series! I am wrapping up the questions today and hosting one last giveaway. These questions have longer answers so let’s dive right in!

Q: Why are you on a Gluten-Free diet? Do you think it helps with infertility?

I had been extremely reluctant to even think about trying a gluten free diet, as I didn’t have any reason to. My sister found gluten caused her extreme headaches and my mom found herself feeling less foggy without it. But I didn’t have a problem with headaches or fogginess. I ignored all articles sent to me and did some mild investigation without many changes. However, as we were going into our 4^th embryo transfer in 2013, I decided to look into the research one last time. And what I found was simple yet compelling. One of the symptoms of undiagnosed gluten sensitivity is infertility. But surely I would have other symptoms right? Not necessarily. You don’t have to test positive for celiac to have gluten sensitivity which makes it a little hard to tell if you are really sensitive or not. But that night, I decided to go cold turkey, gluten-free. The reason was simple, if research was showing that gluten sensitivity and infertility are related, and if I was willing to put my body through countless amounts of medicated cycles, then I could give up gluten as well. It certainly wouldn’t hurt. It wasn’t easy at first, but it has become significantly second nature now, plus knowing that this is something that could be making a difference makes it worth it.

Since going gluten free, I have had full and complete healing of all IBS symptoms. I no longer have digestive issues (and when I do, it’s because of my friend Mr. Metformin) and feel significantly less bloated. Also, having PCOS, I need to stay away from carbohydrates and found eliminating the potential of temptation from my diet to be extremely helpful as well. Is a gluten free diet for everyone struggling with infertility? Maybe, maybe not. If this is something that intrigues you to learn more about, do some research. See what you think and how you feel about it. At the end of the day, the only way to be successful with something is to be fully onboard so you have to make a decision that you feel confident in.

Q: What types of exercise do you recommend while dealing with infertility?

I have to be honest, exercise isn’t my favorite thing. I enjoy how I feel after I work out, more knowing that I am done for the day versus those magical endorphins you are supposed to feel. That being said, diet and exercise are the two top ways to combat PCOS symptoms, beh.

While not in the midst of a cycle, I have found a mixture of cardio and strength training to be successful for me. (Josh and I work out at Farrell’s Extreme Bodyshaping here in the Twin Cities and we love it.) However, when I am cycling and have started any type of stimulation medication, I have to switch to something with low impact, like a gentle yoga, walking, or swimming. When you are cycling, your ovaries swell up – like big time. Anything that could cause an ovary to accidentally twist is dangerous and would cut off circulation, thus losing an ovary. (When my doctor told me this, I gulped!) That being said, activity is still important while cycling because you want to increase blood flow and stay healthy. So be mindful of the activities you are doing and if you have any questions, ask your doctor. My abdomen has been particularly tender this week from the letrozole stimulation and doing a few sit-ups were painful. Be kind to your body and know what feels okay, but also, make sure you are doing something.

Q: What are some of the cutest things your pup has ever done?

I love this question! :) Cali is such a joy in our family and has definitely brought a lot of healing to our hearts. Her intuition is incredibly good and I actually am a little concerned that she does think the world revolves around her, ha! I want to share a million pictures and stories, but for the sake of brevity, I will just share one. This video below is a favorite – I ran into the grocery store and left her in the car with Josh for a couple minutes. She was very ready for me to return and very insistent on watching the store door to make sure she didn’t miss me exiting. :)

Q: How do you keep the faith and maintain hope in all of this?

Many people sent me in a version of this question and I struggle with how to answer it, as it seems so complex and yet so simple. I have written about this before a bit in this post back in 2013. But as I sat down to answer this, I thought back to an email I replied to this weekend from another reader, R. As R struggles to cope with another failed cycle, she asked the same type of question – how do you keep going? The more I thought about how to answer this in my blog, I realized that perhaps my 1:1 answer to her would be helpful to someone else, so here you go:

How do I keep going? Oh, only through strength that is greater than my own. This quote has reminded me that He is still in control, even when the outcomes are different than I expected or hoped:

“We mustn’t lose the hope of a specific promise that God has given us. It may not look like we expect it to (who expected the Messiah to be born in a manager?) or arrive when we want it to arrive (who knew Abraham and Sarah could have kids in their old age?), but God is always faithful to His word. Romans 8:31-32 says, “If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all – how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?” Because this one promise is true, even if you don’t see anything else in your life working the way you think it should, it’s enough! God is still in control. And He is for you. You just have to be patient.” (Craig Groeschel)

R, I keep going when I remember that HIS grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in my weakness. When we come to a point where our prayers haven’t been answered exactly how we wish they would have been, cling to the FACT that HE is all we need. His grace is all we need. I don’t know how I always keep going. There are days when I cry out and ask if I am supposed to keep going. But you know what, He has not yet removed the persistent and desperate calling to be a Mom from my heart yet. And I know Him to be a good God, even when it feels like situations are just ugly, because He reminds me that WE can handle this. Even thought our timing is different than we wish, it doesn’t mean He has left you. And it doesn’t mean you are being punished for something, or aren’t good enough, or are broken. It just means that sometimes the process will be so worth it when we get to the end. The Bible is filled with stories of people waiting and hoping and expecting different – Sarah and Abraham waiting for a child, Mary and Martha waiting for Jesus to come heal their brother Lazarus, Job waiting for his sufferings to end, the Israelites waiting and roaming for 40 years to get to the Promised Land, now all of us waiting for Jesus to come back. Waiting seems to be a crucial part of faith – I don’t know why we can’t be spared some of the pain in the meantime but I do want to reassure you that you are not alone.

It’s okay to curl up and cry all day. It’s okay to pour out your disappointments to Him and keep praying, even when it feels really quiet. I believe that even in the quiet, that He is right there with you. I just want to come give you a big big hug.

I have been in your shoes many times, I feel your pain. It wasn’t until just this year that I found out that I have a pretty severe blood clotting disorder known to cause third trimester miscarriages, plus many other life-threatening risks associated with traveling, surgeries, etc. The fact that I have been spared so many times without my knowing about this disorder gives me goosebumps. I never wanted to experience early miscarriages like I have, but then I think, what if – what if I was spared from a third trimester miscarriage, which I think would have been an absolutely horrific thing to go through. What if all of the failed cycles were protecting me from an even more tragic outcome that I would have never imagined. What if all these failed cycles were for me and not against me. I choose to believe that the pain you are feeling is not in vain. Even if we never find out the why’s, hang tight to the promises that He cares for you so much. I am praying for you extra today and am so sorry that you have to experience this sorrow. It’s real and valid and I will continue to lift you up in my thoughts.

To all my readers wondering how you keep going, continue to pray about it. Continue to offer your desire up to Him and ask Him to open and close doors to help direct your path. When the calling is still there, just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. Just get through today, don’t worry yet about what tomorrow looks like. Cling to a favorite verse when your heart seems to overwhelm you (some of my favorites are here). Keep opening the Bible and reading His stories. Do you know that there is not one story in the Bible where someone is mentioned as barren or desiring a child that ends with them not having a child? I believe God answers the desires of our hearts, even though the timing is not always our own. Take needed breaks when you are too overwhelmed and never, ever stop crying out to Him.

Q: Have you ever considered adoption? How do you determine that timing?

The loaded question! Many people ask infertile couples about adoption, often with good hearts, wanting that couple to be relieved of the pain of wanting a family and feeling like adoption is a simple answer. The tough thing that many people don’t fully take into consideration is that adoption is a calling. Adoption is not a band-aid for a couple struggling to have their own biological child. The process of adoption is beautiful and needed but God didn’t create every couple with the personalities, wirings or desires to go through the process. You open yourself up to background checks, lengthy waiting lists, and strenuous psychological testing. Then you have to answer questions like domestic or international, open or closed, known illness or special needs or the known, newborn or older, through an agency or finding someone on your own, ethnic difference or similar to you and your spouse …. and what happens if the biological mother or father chooses to change their mind about the adoption, having up to 60 days post-birth in most states to do so? You’ve already fallen in love with that child. Then the questions when they get older. Why was I given up for adoption? Can I have a relationship with my birth mom? What about my birth dad? Who am I? These are all special questions to be answered and dealt with by the people that God has called to be a part of the gift of adoption.

Neither Josh or I feel called to adopt and I know that many people may not understand that, and you know, that is okay, because we feel strongly at this point that it’s the God-given decision for us. Might that change someday? Yes, of course! I believe God puts and changes the desires of our hearts in His timing. There are people who are made with giftings, desires and strengths to handle all of the unknowns and details that come with adoption – many of them already with children, or many of them feeling called to adopt long before they knew their struggles. There are couples going through infertility that feel passionate about creating their family this way and that is beautiful, special, and perfect for the story God has written for them. But there are others who aren’t called to adopt and that is beautiful and perfect as well.

I have had people share that they just don’t think they could ever handle going through IVF. That they don’t feel called to do that, that they aren’t sure they could handle all of the questions that go with it, or the physical brutality of the process. It re-enforces to me that not everyone is called to the same journey of starting their family. If God has put adoption on your heart, I think that is a wonderful thing. I could fill this page with verses that support adoption, fostering and all the other wonderful things. I also know that God doesn’t put everything in everyone’s heart and that not everyone is equipped in the same way.

I so greatly admire people with the heart and calling of adoption. It is one of the most beautiful processes and I have so many friends who have made this look effortless and have handled it all with such joy and grace. My heart prays for you all often as I know the path that you are on is emotional and full of its own unique stresses and struggles. And likewise, I ask that you continue to respect our journey and calling as well, whatever that turns out to be. Adoption is a big deal and we all are called to start our families in different ways. Isn’t it beautiful how God uses so many unique opportunities and processes?! Everyone has the chance to adopt if it’s something they choose. There shouldn’t be guilt associated with that choice either. So there’s my thoughts on that. :)

If you have made it to the end of this post, congratulations! I feel like I should hand you a lollipop or something. Or how about I offer you the chance to win 2 sets of Jamberry nail wraps and a manicure set? My amazing cousin Lindsey offered up these goodies for a giveaway, simply because she has a heart for my readers and wanted to help spoil someone. How amazing is she!? (Giveaway open now until Friday morning, where the winner will be announced during Friday Favorites. Free entries are a great way to win!)