i’m thankful for …

November 28, 2013November 28, 201313 Comments

Happy Thanksgiving to my friends in the USA and Happy Thursday to my friends around the world. : ) There is something so fun about today. I love gratitude and having a whole day where the entire country is focused on it is pretty neat. Some favorite holiday traditions of mine include watching the Macy’s day parade, listening my husband riffle through the Black Friday newspaper and sharing every good deal in it with me (“No, really though, isn’t that a great deal? I wish we needed a scooter.”), and of course, all the food to be feasted on. My doctor told me yesterday to enjoy the day with responsible portions of carbs and sugars. “It’s only one meal Chelsea. It’s okay. Just don’t take home leftovers and don’t go crazy.” I gotta admit, that made me happy! I am slightly terrified of undoing my hard work but even just one bite of mashed potatoes will make me thrilled. And of course, the relaxing time with the family, creating new memories and enjoying laughter is great too.

But one thing I wanted to share with you all today is this simple fact: I am thankful for my infertility.

No that wasn’t a typo. This Thanksgiving I’ve decided to forgo the traditional gratitude list (all of which are valid and are things I really am thankful for) and instead, share with you this reality.

I am thankful for my infertility.

Dealing with infertility has taught me so many things and given me so much. It has been difficult. There has been tremendous heartache. Many tears. Physical suffering and emotional agony. Moments of desperation and periods of heavy sadness and grief. Yet I wouldn’t trade this journey in for anything.

Infertility has taught me to learn how to choose joy in tough situations. It has changed my heart to be one that sees the glass as half full instead of half empty. It has made my “joy muscles” work out and as a result, there are days I feel like I could bench press a truck. And admittedly, days I ignore the joy gym, but at least I still feel convicted about it. It has reminded me that we are to give thanks in EVERY situation, not just the ones that make us feel warm and fuzzy.

Infertility has strengthened my marriage. I truly can’t imagine walking down this path with anyone other than Josh. It has brought us to our knees in prayer, together as a unit. It has made us realize what God meant when He said we will cleave to our spouse. It has made me appreciate his optimism and positivity more than ever. It has given us reasons to laugh together, cry together, and learn to love deeply and unconditionally. It has made us depend on one another in unique ways and Josh’s example has taught me what it is like to have a servants heart.

Infertility has brought me closer to friends, family and strangers. It has caused me to seek support from unlikely places and communicate in ways I hadn’t imagined. Because of it, my heart has swelled and overflowed due to the incredible kindness of others. I have made new friends thanks to Instagram and this blog – friendships that I don’t doubt will last a lifetime. It has made me more vulnerable with my family and friends – people I see in real life, that have been given an insiders pass to my heart and emotions. It has resulted in beautiful conversations, meaningful prayers prayed, and many tears and hugs given.

Infertility has helped me to look past my own situation and into the lives of others. It has made me more aware that everyone is suffering from a Thing. It has helped me to assume the best about people’s dispositions and taught me to extend grace since I have no idea what path others are walking on. It has sharpened my spiritual gift of encouragement and made me fine tune reading people’s hearts and needs, and prayerfully, helping to say the right words at the right times.

Infertility has made me stronger than I ever imagined possible. It has forced me to deal with difficult tasks – whether it’s giving myself shots or learning patience during a two week wait. It has given me reasons to be sad, cry and learn how to lean on a strength that’s not my own. It has made me pick myself up off the ground, brush the dirt off my shoulders, and keep walking forward. It has taught me the fine art of persistence. It has reminded me that we are to “ask, seek, and knock.” (Matthew 7:7-8). It has taught me to keep knocking and to trust that the door will be opened.

Infertility has taught me that God will equip me where He calls me. Never did I ever imagine having a blog. Never did I imagine writing routinely. Never did I imagine sharing our small story with all of you. Yet each time I sit down, He fills my heart with words and allows my fingers to type in a way that, thankfully, many of you understand. I am not a writer – yet somehow, I write.

Infertility has taught me that I don’t always know best. I have recited Proverbs 3:5 to myself more times in the last few years than any other verse in the Bible. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.” It has reminded me that my own logic, my own decisions, my own will and my own knowledge are nothing compared to His will and plans. It has resulted in me trusting where He leads us more than what makes sense in my head. (For the math folks out there, that means His plan > My understanding.)

Infertility will make me a more graceful pregnant woman and hopefully, a better mother. It will allow me to experience pregnancy (God willing) with a spirit of thanksgiving, knowing what a wonderful gift I will be given. (Or at least teach me to know my audience on tough days.) It will allow me to embrace the challenges, remembering how strongly I desired them. It has allowed me to pray for my children and their lives many years in advance. I don’t think I would have been a lucrative mother, but it sure has given me time to prepare my heart as much as possible for what may be ahead.

Infertility has made me enjoy this season of my life. The quiet. The calm. The ability to walk out of the door and run to Target when I want. The ability to have spontaneous date nights with Josh and the ability to go to bed at 8:30 if we so choose. I appreciate sleeping in, taking long baths and watching shows other than Nick Jr. I can’t wait for the time to come when all of that changes, but for this time, right now, I am grateful for what I can experience.

Infertility has taught me that life doesn’t always have to make sense for us to be content. It has helped me realize that if God answered every prayer we all prayed, we would be living in heaven. It has helped me remember that we live in a fallen world, with human bodies that are less than perfect. We are in a world of sadness and death, with more and more dysfunction every day. It certainly isn’t ideal but I serve a Lord that “causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God…” (Romans 8:28).

Infertility has made me realize that I don’t always need to come up with the right words to pray in order for Him to be near. “Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves…” (Romans 8:26-27a MSG) It has taught me a greater appreciation for His Spirit.

And lastly, and most importantly, infertility has caused me to fall deeper in love with my Father. It has caused me to seek Him with all of my heart. It has made me turn to Him for comfort and it has made me realize that nothing on this earth is more valuable than my relationship with Him. God, in return, has drawn intimately close to me and His daily presence in every moment of my life brings utter joy to the surface. It has taught me that denying myself and following Him (Luke 9:23) is to trust in His plan and walk with Him regardless of my own desires. It has made me dive deeper into His love letter to us, made me seek Him through podcasts and music, and transformed a stagnant prayer life into a daily conversation with Him. Infertility has taught me that my eternal Hope has already overcome it all. That this world, these moments, this life, is brief compared to what is ahead.

When I started this blog last year and was asked the gigantic task of creating a web address for the page, I chose “trials bring joy”. It stemmed from James 1:2-4 which says: “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.” Oh Lord, I am finally getting it. It took a while – but reflecting on this trial placed in front of me, and all the lessons learned from it, I can’t help but understand the phrase “trials bring joy” even more so now. It is possible for our most difficult times in life to be an opportunity to bring great joy.

I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone. But I do wish that everyone had the opportunity to go through a challenge, a trial, a journey, which results in building endurance. For when we go through fiery times in life, like silver being melted and transformed, we WILL come out more refined and polished. And for that I am thankful. I am thankful for this time of fire. I am thankful for a God who never leaves my side. I am thankful for YOU – for caring as deeply as you do. For the prayers of many and for the joy that is to come. I am FAR from perfect. I have good days and bad days. But what I have learned thus far has made an everlasting impact on my life.

So on that note, we wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving (and/or Thursday). Enjoy the day!

“Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later.” (Romans 8:18)

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Go with God Frostie.

October 28, 201341 Comments

In the words of Tyrone Wells, “Momma always said that hate was a strong, strong word. Poppa always said that words of hate should never be heard. But I’m getting older and I just cannot lie, there are things I hate, no matter how hard I try.”

I hate infertility.

I hate waiting for THE call.

I hate hearing the words “Chelsea, I am sorry to tell you that you are not pregnant.”

I hate even though my heart knew, my body has a physical reaction to the words.

I hate saying goodbye to Frostie before I even got to say hello.

I hate the tears. And I hate that they continue to replenish, even when you are certain there can be no more left.

I hate feeling this hopeless.

I hate wondering if the power of prayer works.

I hate questioning why God is bringing us through this miserable journey, only to break our hearts over and over and over and over again.

I hate that I don’t think I can fight this anymore.

I hate that I feel like giving up. I hate that instead of continuing to walk through the fire, I want to lay on the floor and let it just destroy me already.

I hate that even though I know He has not forsaken us, I kind of feel like He has.

I hate that if we decide our hearts can handle this again, we have to come up with $20,000 and repeat the whole process again.

I hate that insurance doesn’t cover this. I hate that if I couldn’t breathe right, it would cover my nose job, or if I accidentally got pregnant, it would cover my abortion. Yet my insides are broken and they can’t even cover my blood work to figure out what might help.

I hate our den. It was supposed to be a nursery a long time ago.

I hate being strong. I hate being weak. I hate feeling crushed.

I hate feeling angry. So so angry. I hate feeling this confused. I hate crying out “why?”

I hate that I am already anxious about the Christmas card “Surprise! We are expecting!” announcements that seem to come in every year.

I hate that mature couples who should have a family will now feel bad about sending us said card, sharing their news.

I hate that my heart wants to be a mommy so bad and that no matter how hard I fight, no matter what we do, God hasn’t give us that life yet.

I hate the holidays. I hate that they are reminders of more and more years passing without children of our own to create memories with.

I hate that I miscarried on Christmas last year and now that day feels tainted. I hate that the song Frosty the Snowman will always bring back memories of this baby of ours.

I hate birthdays. I hate knowing everyone around me is growing older and older and my kids will never know THESE versions of them.

I hate disappointing the spirits of those around us. Family and friends that get so invested and have their hearts hurt with this news as well.

I hate feeling like God failed my expectations.

I hate that the sun is shining today.

I hate that there is no (legal) pill to take this pain away.

I hate that even though my heart will heal, it will never be the same again.

I hate that I know the “right” things to say to me right now, yet my heart is too broken to absorb it.

I hate that Cali won’t be around forever, thus I can’t just pretend like she is my forever child.

I hate making me people bad for me. I really just want to be a mom. I want to experience having my own child, raising them to love Jesus. Teaching them silly things. Loving them with everything we have.

I hate that people judge us for not adopting if we “really want a child that bad.”

I hate that my womb is broken. I hate how awful that feels.

I hate being defined by this. I hate never knowing what the future will hold. I hate that my life revolves/revolved about shots and timing, appointments and lists of dos and don’ts.

I hate that Miley Cyrus keeps sticking out her tongue.

I hate seeing people who don’t believe in the Giver of Life, be blessed with children. I hate opening my US Weekly only to see all these people in these sordid relationships, blessed with a baby.

I hate wondering if I am being punished for sins of my past, which then makes me doubt His forgiveness and mercy. I hate doubting His character.

I hate feeling sorry for myself when I know God’s gift of Jesus is all I really need.

I hate I can’t take a forgetfulness pill or have my memory of all of this erased.

I hate that Portillo’s is so far away, as an italian beef and cheese fries would be the perfect comfort food right now.

I hate that I can’t watch Josh as a daddy. He will be such an amazing dad. You should see him make children laugh and smile. I hate feeling guilty for not giving him children yet, even though he has never ever made me feel bad about that and constantly reassures me we are in this together.

I hate that I don’t have a job to distract myself with. I hate that He led me to quit in order to try to start our family.

I hate that as much as you try to empathize, unless you have been in our shoes, you’ll never really get it.

I hate that in hopeful spirits, I kept buying baby outfits. I hate having to hide them, knowing that I may never be able to use them.

I hate that I just don’t know what’s next for us.

I hate that my evening shots caused large numb spots on my thighs and butt.I hate that I have lost complete feeling about the side of a flattened basketball on my left side.

I hate being told “don’t give up.”

I hate that I can’t pray for myself right now.

But with all that hate, there are many things I am grateful for and I don’t want them to go unnoticed:

I am thankful that we were spared a miscarriage and potentially another blood level nightmare.

I am thankful that those who prayed for Frostie, will continue to pray for us now.

I am thankful that when I am sad, Cali won’t leave my side.

I am thankful that even when I am so angry, the radio songs still play songs of His praises and my lips can still form the words even if my voice is gone.

I am thankful that even as I type this, I feel Him with me.

I am thankful that regardless of my heartbreak, my soul still knows He is a good God. Experience has shown He is to be trusted, even though its so so hard.

I am thankful that I don’t have to question if it was something I did that resulted in a negative result. I know if it was meant to be, it would have been, regardless.

I am thankful that God knows every one of our embryos by name. All 20 that have been created, including those 7 which I was blessed enough to temporarily carry.

I am thankful in advance for your kind words and appreciate your understanding that I may not be able to reply for a while.

I am thankful for my husband. For my home. For our health. For our families. For our church. For my small group. For my TTC community.

I am thankful for music. It is a tender therapy and the words to “Praise You in the Storm” by Casting Crowns and “Even If” by Kutless will bring us much comfort in the time to come.

I am thankful that I can turn over my fear to Him and receive His perfect peace. Right now its me that needs to move closer to Him, He hasn’t left me.

I am thankful tonight I can take a sleeping pill and hopefully fall into a deep sleep to make up for the many sleepless nights lately.

I am thankful for the reminder that God doesn’t make us wait just to torture us. (Thank you Caroline for your blog post this morning, reminding me of that.)

I am thankful for soft tissues to soak up the tears.

This hurts. This hurts so badly. “How can you mend a broken heart. How can you stop the rain from falling down? How can you stop the sun from shining? ….Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.” I feel so weak. I want this all to just go away. Please, if you could, say a prayer for us. For healing, for guidance, for direction and for contentment in this season. For our Lord to come intimately close to us, and for us to draw close to Him so that we may feel His comfort and praise Him in this storm. We are done for a while. It’s time for a much needed break. More lost time but perhaps some answers to what our future may hold.

In the words of my last blog post, “Lord, please give me the assurance that you are present and capable of whatever our future holds. Amen.”

meet frostie.

October 23, 201322 Comments

Ready for some great news? I am officially a PUPO! Now for those of you who haven’t heard that expression before, its one used often in the TTC community – it stands for Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.

And I can’t wait for the day when I can drop the –UPO.

Let’s rewind. Last I left you, we were sharing and celebrating in the exciting new of having the opportunity to transfer our last embryo, God willing it made the thaw. We were so blessed by all the pledges of prayers and encouraging words we received. God brought a supernatural calm about the transfer and even when my nerves started to act up, He blessed me with Josh who would calmly de-escalate the situation and remind me Who was in control.

So let’s walk through these last few days, starting with Friday!

Each transfer Josh and I go out to breakfast together and celebrate our “last meal” as a two-some. This time was no different. We headed back to the place we went to the times of our first and third transfers since both of those cycles resulted in pregnancies. Walking out of the house I gave Cali a last kiss goodbye as an only child (God willing!) and we were off!

Bye Baby! Next time I see you, I will have your brother or sister inside me!

On our way!!

The embryologist and I had a long talk the day before and she let us know the thaw would start at 9:45 am. She said that typically embryos don’t always look great right away but once they are back in the incubator they perk up. She said this process takes up to an hour and they would know by 10:45 if it wasn’t alive/viable. GULP. She said if it wasn’t viable, they would call us and let us know not to come in. She said the only reason they wouldn’t call and it may end up not transferable is if it was hanging on so close that they were taking it minute by minute. She did reassure me that thawing success at my clinic is extremely high and she had high hopes for our little one.

Trust me, 9:45 – 10:45 seemed like the longest hour! Thankfully we were at breakfast, then heading to the clinic so we were a little distracted. When no call came at 10:45 we both had a big sigh of relief! There was still hope! As soon as we checked in, we asked the lab for an update, only to find out that Frosty was doing great and completely viable for the transfer. PRAISE GOD! I may have gotten emotional. *surprise*

Fast forward to acupuncture. Amazing. I so highly recommended doing a pre and post transfer session in the clinic the day of your transfer if that’s an option. Truly, I still am unsure about acupuncture itself, but the treatment that day is so incredibly calming and therapeutic. I was wrapped in warm blankets, a heating pad, slightly high on Valium and had 30ish minutes of peace and quiet to simply pray and prepare for what was ahead.

Josh snuck a shot. For those interested the majority of the needles are in your tummy, legs and feet, with just a couple in my ear and one in my forehead. You don't feel a thing, honestly!

Josh snuck a picture. For those interested the majority of the needles are in your tummy, legs and feet, with just a couple in my ear and one in my forehead. You don’t feel a thing, honestly!

Then the nurse came and got us. We felt like seasoned professionals at this point. Yes, take this. No, won’t do that. Yes, can do this. Change into this, yes. Sign here, okay. Please wait.

Scrubs and gown on – ready to go back!

(Side note: Our first transfer Josh annoyingly nicknamed our embryos (Daniel) Boone and (Davy) Crockett, who apparently had some impact on hunting. He always talked to Boone and Crockett and was constantly met with an eyeroll from me but somehow those names stuck. So it only seemed fitting for Frostie’s sibling to make an appearance at the transfer.)

Boone on the left and Crockett was on the right sock.

Boone on the left sock and Crockett was on the right sock.

After that, it all happened quickly. We met our doctor, a new one for us. She told us she liked to listen to Norah Jones during transfers which was fine by us and reminded us of family who likes to listen to Norah. We got to see the picture of Frostie and heard the great news that he/she was hatching. (An embryo hatches from its outer shell once its developed enough and is moving on to find a new food source. This shows strong development of the embryo. And guess who gets to be its new food source … ME!) It was the most comfortable, pain-less transfer to date. Once we saw little Frostie get transferred, I was so emotional. We made it to this point. God deserves so much glory.

Because its hatching, it almost looks like a little snowman head on top! We loved Gods sense of humor.

Daddy’s first picture with his little one!

Some more resting. More acupuncture and then we were sent on our way for 48ish hours of bedrest. Josh and Cali take such good care of me while I am immobile. Well, Cali mainly just crowds me out and is always watching me, but Josh takes care of meals, pillow resituating and puts up with endless amounts of girly DVR shows.

Hey, Mom, I’m right here!

Hey Josh, my feet are hot. Can you take my socks off?

(3 minutes later)

Hey Josh, my feet are cold. Can you put my socks on?

Hey Josh, I’m thirsty but this water isn’t hitting the spot. Can I get a ginger ale?

Hey Josh, I have to go to the bathroom, can you help me up?

Hey Josh, I’m hungry.

Hey Josh, Cali needs to go out.

Hey Josh, I’m hot again. Can you take the socks off and crack the window?

The man is a true saint, I kid you not.

So the next few days we relaxed. It’s been cold out here so being indoors is fine by me! We even had our first couple snowfalls while on bedrest. Of course none of it stuck but it was magical and reminded me of Frostie.

Lots of time resting!

I am feeling good so far! I have been allowing myself brief activities each day, like a 30 minute venture around Target simply to walk around. Or a relocation to a coffee shop to sit with my book for an hour. I even took a brief walk up and down the street although Cali was slightly uncooperative since she apparently didn’t think I should be walking around.

Don’t. Take. Another. Step. Mom.

And now we wait. Gosh, God has been teaching me so much during this wait. In past waits I have been extremely anxious. And at the beginning of this wait I was too. Day 2 was hard for me as I started to compare how I felt this day 2 to the other past cycles. Having many other cycles to compare it too feels like a curse, as I would give anything for that blissful excitement that the first wait brought. Anyways, Josh and God continue to remind me that if this baby is meant to be our on-earth baby, then NOTHING will prevent that from happening. God is in complete control and I am nothing but a vessel at this point. I have felt a sense of calm wash over me and I am so grateful for His peace. I know that if I am pregnant, it’s all in His miraculous doing. And if I am not pregnant, than He will scoop us up and comfort us once again. There is nothing I can do at this point except take care of myself and the embryo inside of me.

Amen!

Our nightly routine ... Feeding Frosty a fine diet of estrogen and progesterone. My bum isn't a fan but it's so worth it!

Our nightly routine … Feeding Frosty a fine diet of estrogen and progesterone. My bum and hips aren’t really a fan but it’s so worth it!

I know many of you often ask what you can do or how you can help someone struggling with infertility or recently going through IVF. Truthfully, meals are such a big blessing. On the days I can stand and cook, the issue is that I can’t get the grocery bags from the cart to the car and from the car to the house due to my lifting restrictions. And while Josh is a great helper, grocery shopping isn’t his forte (3 hours later for a list of 10 things) and I would much rather see him in the evenings after being home alone all day. We have been so blessed with meals in the past (and this time too!) so this isn’t a passive way of asking for meals for US, but it’s a helpful hint of what you can do for a friend going through a similar situation. Even if you aren’t a cook, a gift card to a local restaurant makes the world of difference. (Again, this isn’t said for US but for you to help someone else in a similar situation if you are looking for a way to. And I guarantee that they will likely tell you “No, it’s okay!”. Do it anyways. Drop it off on their door with a note. Don’t make a big stay out of it. Most of the time we are often on showering restrictions too and the thought of someone seeing us with day 3 old greasy hair is embarrassing.)

Thanks Jana for the yummy taco soup!

So now what – well, I do have some specific prayer requests –

“Tomorrow” is the day in my past 2 cycles where I have started bleeding and/or spotting. It is so scary to see and I just pray that I can make it through tomorrow – and God willing the next days – without having to deal with the awful scariness of early bleeding. Please pray for calmness in my heart as I face this.
Continued peace and assurance that God is in control. He is our Hope and I don’t want any over thinking to cause me to lose glimpse of His peace. The devil has some nasty schemes!
For Frostie. At this point, if it’s going to become a baby, it has attached already. Now we need to pray that it sticks there and makes itself comfy for the next 9 months. It if hasn’t attached already then it hasn’t been receiving its nutrients and the cycle is over without us knowing it yet. Please join us in prayer that it has implanted, in the right place, and correctly, and that my body doesn’t reject it.

We continue to be so blessed by your texts, your prayers, your encouragement, your notes. We feel strongly that if this baby is meant to be the baby we one day hold in our arms, nothing can stop God from making that happen. I reread this quote yesterday and was struck by how true it was:

“Worry is allowing problems and distress to come between us and the heart of God. It is the view the God has somehow lost control of the situation and we cannot trust Him.” Ah. Such truth. We have no reason to worry. God has proven time and time again that He is still in control of this situation and that regardless of our human emotions, He can still be trusted. We need to go to Him with each worry and turn it into something that brings us closer to Him, instead of something that makes us doubt His goodness. For example, when I am worrying “Oh this embryo isn’t going to implant. I am going to have to go through this all over again.”, I reject that thought and immediately turn it into a prayer (drawing me closer to Him) – “God, I pray that you would place your hand over our embryo at this moment and help it to implant. Give me the reassurance that you are present and capable of whatever our future holds.” In changing our worrisome mentality, we immediately stop the devil in his tracks and gain power from the one who sustains.

So that’s it my friends! Thank you for joining us again on this journey. I hope to report back with some miraculous news sometime in the next week or two! Virtual HUGS!

third times the charm …. right?

July 19, 2013July 20, 201327 Comments

Well, this is the first time I have ever attempted to blog from my iPhone so I don’t anticipate this being long, edited well, or articulate. :) But I wanted to check in and let you all know how the transfer went! It went great! Josh and I enjoyed a breakfast out before hand. We were told our transfer would be a 1:00, and since we’re doing a pre and post transfer in office acupuncture session, we needed to check in at 11:30. Instead of trying a new place like we did the first two times, we went back to the restaurant we went to the day of our first transfer, since that one resulted in a BFP.

Our table at the cafe

Then, with my lucky socks on (thanks Ashley!), our excitement high and tummy’s full, we headed to the clinic!

My acupuncturist met us there and chatted with us while I quickly guzzled 32 oz of water in 10 minutes, then administered such a relaxing session. Josh got to watch and I slept and relaxed. I think the Valium helped the nap. :) We then went back into prep to change. We were anxious to hear how the thaw went. We knew we had 3 embryos frozen and were praying that at least 2 survived the thaw, ideally the first two thawed so we would still have 1 left. The nurses spent extra time with us and it seemed like ages until the doctor came in. FINALLY we got good news that our first two embryos thawed! In fact, one was already hatching! (Embryos are in a mothers egg, much like a chickens. Unlike a chicken though, the embryo breaks free from its shell when it’s strong enough to survive solely on its own genes and is ready to attach itself to the uterine wall. Way to go little over achiever!) The transfer itself went so smoothly, the easiest one thus far, and after resting for a while in the procedure room, we were brought back to meet with the acupuncturist. She administered a different kind of session and man, I was out like a light! I was so relaxed and calm. I really felt such a sense of peace.

Since then, I’ve been at home on strict bedrest! We are so blessed to have others help us with meals. And I was blessed with some goodies as well. So greatly appreciated!!

So now we wait! God knows the outcome of this cycle and we can only pray, beg and plead that His will lines up with our hearts desires. We are so blessed to have so many people praying for us! We were blessed by many posts requesting prayers on our behalf yesterday, as well as a special friend who even fasted for the day for us. Wow. Incredible.

So now we ask you to continue in your faithful prayers for us. We continue to feel the calling to be parents and know that God is the giver of life. I was reading this verse in Matthew on Wednesday and it seemed to be a perfect message for my heart: “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” (Matthew 6:34 MSG)

ok! Enough with this phone blogging … 3 hours later …. You guys rock.

bedrest.

May 13, 2013May 13, 20135 Comments

My butt is getting sore. Now, I’m not complaining. This is about the easiest part of the journey, but I am ready to get back on my feet and be able to get my own glass of water, sit up straight while I type (you should see me right now, haha), let out my dog … bed rest is one of the last hurdles though – I can do this!! It’s a really nice thing while you are tired but when you are no longer sleepy and have been on your butt for 50+ hours unable to do anything but lay flat, well, it gets a little old.

I am so thankful to Josh for being the most amazing helper to me during this time. I mean it, this man never gets cranky and every request is met with an eager enthusiasm to help me out. He sets his alarm 30 minutes early to get me set up on the couch downstairs, carefully arranging my 15 pillows, filling my water glass, making my toast, hooking up my charger, tucking my blanket around my toes … I feel so blessed to have him walking beside me. His favorite thing to do is to check my body angles to make sure I am not “scrunching” (laying at any angle that would cause a bend to my abdomen). He does random scrunching checks and I am proud to say, I almost always pass.

My note reminder Josh left me this morning.

So … Mother’s Day. What a special day! Josh, Cali, and the babies spoiled me with some beautiful flowers, a plaque and 2 cards that were so special. We got to visit with both of our sets of parents as well. We are so blessed by such great family!!!

I got a GREAT Mother’s Day call from our embryologist – our other embryo progressed to the final stage and was able to be frozen! Praise God!!!!!And then she went on to say that to her surprise, one of the embryos that they had ruled out as viable due to the fact that it stopped progressing a few days ago, suddenly had a shocking turn around and flew through several development and turned into a blastocyst over night! She said she was shocked but it looks perfect and they froze that one as well! WHAT!?!? God is SO good! We didn’t even know this was an option as the doctor told us there were only 3 embryos that were viable and we transferred 2 of them. I love when God smiles and surprises us like this. I know this has to do with all the prayers that were prayed for us. THANK YOU!!!

So now we have 3 frozen embryos which brings me such a peace of mind knowing that we have 2 more transfers that could take place before our IVF journey ends. One transfer with 2 embryos and 1 transfer with 1 embryo, assuming all survive the thaw. I just have such a peace that our baby is coming.

I am feeling really good! Last week was difficult as the swelling increased so much. I gained and lost 16 pounds from Monday to Saturday in fluids alone. It wasn’t considered hyper stimulation as I didn’t have any of the other side effects of it, just extra discomfort!!! The swelling and weight has gone back down but I still feel swollen and bloated and that is to be expected. My strict bedrest ends tomorrow and now I am supposed to do more “couch rest”. Take it easy, don’t do anything that would make a pony tail jiggle, minimize time on my feet and sitting at a 90 degree angle as it puts pressure on the uterus. But I will be to move around a little more which will be nice. I have friends who have willingly offered to bring meals to us this week which is such a blessing as standing and cooking is tough.

Now all we can do is pray!! I am praying specifically for peace of mind. As I add more medication to my daily list, they are medications that mimic both PMS and pregnancy and it can cause one’s mind to constantly race, wondering “Am I pregnant? This must be a sign I am pregnant.” and then two minutes later “There is no way I am pregnant, these cramps are too bad.” It’s enough to make me go insane so I am constantly in prayer that God will protect my mind and heart and keep me stress-free. We will know and share by Memorial Day if we are expecting so please continue your prayers during this time! I am feeling at peace and hopeful for what is to come. My heart is so overwhelmed with God’s goodness and faithfulness to us throughout every step in this journey. He never leaves our side. He gives us the strength to perservere and He provides an unexplainable peace about the future. I feel so blessed.