I have typically thought of the act of “waiting” as an act of passivity. However, I am learning more and more that waiting is a verb of action. Especially when it comes to waiting on the Lord. You have seen us waiting for the last 4-5 weeks. Waiting to have a child. Waiting to start a cycle. Waiting for the medication to kick in. Waiting for side effects to appear. Waiting to find out if the medication is working. Waiting to find out how the uterus looks. Waiting to see if the follicle got to the right size. Waiting to see if it developed into a cyst. Waiting to see if I ovulated. Waiting to see if I got pregnant. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
Now, God has us patiently waiting to see if my body is just being weird this new cycle or if I have had a chemical pregnancy. A chemical pregnancy simply put is one where the egg is fertilized and implants, however “dies” and does not result in a live pregnancy. This is somewhat common – most women have natural hormones that would flush this chemical pregnancy out, most of the time without even realizing at one point they were pregnant. (This typically happens when someone is a week late for their period.) Anyways, due to some symptoms and ultrasound results, they think that this may have happened to me. Either that or I am just being weird, which well, has never been a surprise. (There is no chance of an active, healthy pregnancy this month).
The doctors office is currently running blood work that will give us a definitive answer and those results will come back between 8:00 am and 12:00 pm tomorrow. If the test comes back negative (pray for that!), then I am able to start a new cycle of the medication tomorrow. This month will also hold for us ovulation stimulator injections and insemination. (Ewww, a gross word to read and write, I admit it.). If the test comes back positive, then we wait some more. We have to wait a minimal of 30 days to see if my body will naturally push the miscarriage. If nothing happens then I get to (*sarcasm*) take the 10 day hormone pills (Provera) to induce a cycle. Or they will put me on birth control for a month or two. All of that would be TBD depending on the results. Either way, you can clearly see why we are praying that a chemical pregnancy did not occur.
I am doing surprisingly well for the blow I feel like was just possibly delivered. Thinking about having to wait 30-60 days to start another cycle is devastating and at this point, I can’t go there. In all reality, I nearly want to give a cynical chuckle at the left hand hook I didn’t see coming. Well played, I think, Truly caught me off guard on that one. Didn’t realize that was an option! I carry no bitterness though. I know that again, this is out of my control.
“How can you say the LORD does not see your troubles? O Israel, how can you say God ignores your rights? Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”
(Isaiah 40:27-31 NLT)
Here is what I know. I know that God sees my troubles. He is there on those days (like yesterday) where I feel moody and weepy and physically drained. He is not tired or weary. He understands and knows all. He continues to give me power and strength. I love that it says even the YOUTH (me!) get tired and weak. But here is the active part of waiting … as we wait – we will soar on wings like eagles, we will walk and not grow weary or faint. We have to walk. I have to keep walking. It doesn’t say sit still and do nothing and you will have it all. It says we are to actively trust, actively turn our weary hearts to Him, actively push forward and walk, run even! TRUSTING that with Him, we will soar.
It would be easy for me to sit back, cross my arms and say “I give up. God, you aren’t listening. You aren’t doing anything.” But there is NO strength in that. The strength comes from actively pushing forward and having faith. “Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The LORD is the everlasting God!” I have seen. I understand. I have experienced. I AM experiencing. When these times come at me from left field, I continue to keep my chin up. I have to continue to trust, to have confidence, to put my faith in His deep understanding. Don’t get defeated or discouraged in your situation dealing with your Thing. Keep moving. Keep handing it over. Keep battling the negative thoughts the devil throws at you. When they attack your mind, those negative “What If” thoughts, shout “I’M NOT GOING THERE!”.
Here are things I am thankful for in the midst of this: A God who continues to give me spiritual and mental peace when my body is weary; A Husband who is so faithful and consistent in his support and understanding – who prays so specifically for us, who loves me unconditionally regardless of moods,(cheerful or well, not), who has an incredible servant- heart, who is positive and listens and matches my passion and longing for this child; For my Family who prays consistently, offers words of encouragements, are incredibly supportive, are always ready to feed me (Thanks Mom!), and who smatters my counter with cards filled with positive, encouraging words and my nightstand with “storks”; For my Friends who without fail text and call to check in, offer to help, send a joke or something to make me smile, listen to my frustrations, and validate my feelings; For my Work Folks who allow me time to run to doctors appointments and put up with random sets of tears in meetings …. The list could go on and on. Inviting so many of you in on this journey with us has been one of the best things that has happened to us.
My love language is words of affirmation and receiving gifts. Gary Chapman defines those two as: “Words of Affirmation: Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.” and “Receiving Gifts: Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.” The words of encouragement spoken lift my spirits far more than any of you realize. The small tokens of thought, whether it is the cup of Starbucks or pastry hand delivered, a Facebook posting or status comment, or a card sent in the mail – the thoughts and sacrifices touch my heart so deeply.
So where does this leave us? It leaves us waiting for a phone call tomorrow with results. Negative = good and a new cycle of the chemotherapy medication starts tomorrow. Positive = unfavorable news that results in more waiting.
I shared some song lyrics on Facebook yesterday by Ginny Owens – if you want to listen to the song, click here and enjoy. One of my favorites!
I love the part at the end, where she says “When I cross over Jordan, I`m gonna sing, gonna shout. Gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down.” So true and so we keep the faith, we keep walking. And we know we are truly never really by ourselves. What a comforting thought on those days that feel dark. Hang in there with us!