be washed in sunshine.

“Chelsea, I am touching base to let you know that your hCG levels are finally negative today. So that’s good. I’m glad it went down so we can move on with things.”

HURRAY! This is exactly the message I wanted to hear on Monday. I never thought I would be so excited to hear my doctor call to confirm that I was no longer considered “pregnant” by my hormone levels, but honestly, what a great thing to be able to close that chapter! A sincere thanks for all of the prayers and support. I am constantly grateful that our prayers were heard and answered so quickly, and that even despite the circumstances, that we were offered grace in a tough situation.

As I sit here at my computer typing this, I can’t help but notice a zip loc bag next to me that holds the pictures of our embryos from our transfer. I don’t know what to do with them. I could never throw them away. Those are our babies. I can’t hide them away like it never happened. I can’t frame them and it feels too sad to even pull them out of the bag. So in the bag they will stay, watching Mom clack away at the keyboard.

A few people keep telling me how they admire how “positive” I am being. It makes me want to laugh, because I truly feel quite the opposite of “positive” at times. In fact, at the end of last week, I just felt downright cranky. I wish I could blame it on hormones, or a lack of sleep, but instead, I was just bitter. Not at anything in particular either. I couldn’t pin my annoyance on a certain event or conversation. I was just in a funk. I made rude comments, I couldn’t attempt a smile at times, I felt like I had a grimace on my face for a few days straight. I even felt a twinge in my heart that I hadn’t felt before, or at least in a lonnnnnng time …. *jealousy*.

Whoa.

I have always been so good at separating out emotions, my situation from others. Remembering that’s “their baby”, not mine. But for some reason, for about 48 hours, I couldn’t do that. I just felt angry and sad whenever I saw a baby, heard about a baby, looked at a baby. I felt a sour taste in my mouth and rocked Death Eyes that probably hasn’t been pulled out since I was in 3rd grade. I didn’t want to pray about. I didn’t want to remind myself it wasn’t right. I just wanted to sulk in it and validate myself that it was okay.

The sour taste turned into an irrational panic on Saturday night. Josh and I were sitting in the dimly lit sanctuary at church, singing a song (me, still feeling in a funk), when all of a sudden this young couple in front of us starts to move around. It caught my attention as I saw the man bend down and BAM!, pops up with a tiny infant boy whose eyes were wide open and locked firmly into mine. I felt like the room froze and I suddenly lost my breath. It was my first experience being face to face with a newborn since my miscarriage and here was this adorable little boy, no more than 2 weeks old, propped up staring at me, just a few feet away. I feel like it was a moment I will never forget. I instantly looked away and reminded myself to breath, keep standing and singing, when in fact, I literally wanted to scream “GET THAT BABY AWAY FROM ME!”. I felt immense sadness mix with the fear that the couple would never be us. That I would be the one looking at babies in church for years to come. Part of me wanted to leave the service immediately, the other part of me thought about stabbing the man with my fine tip 0.38 G-2 pen just hard enough to release some of my tension and cause enough damage to make him leave. Thankfully, I “toughed” it out, avoided eye contact and flew out of there when the service was over.

And I ended up being fine. In fact, I was around 134 more children 5 and under at church the next morning when I volunteered as scheduled. But it reminded me of how human I am. And can be. And will be. Yes, I will be positive. And try to stay positive. But I have my bad moments and my good moments. And I don’t want to give anyone the false impression that this is easy, or that I am fakely positive. Because I’m human and it’s hard! I’ve tried to be as transparent about this as possible and I hope you walk away with encouragement, knowing that even in the hard times, we serve a God that is in ultimate control and that His plans will not only prevail, but are what’s best for us. It’s hard to believe when we are in a sinful world, but I know it and trust it to be true. So that’s where my hope comes from. It doesn’t mean days and moments aren’t tough. And my husband can certainly attest to my sometimes childish outbursts. But we live without the fear of the future. (And for me right now that means trusting that the scary newborn panic moment was a one-off, because I have lots of friends and family whose little babies coming into the world very soon! I have no time for this fear!)

“Still, if you set your heart on God and reach out to him… You’ll be able to face the world unashamed and keep a firm grip on life, guiltless and fearless. You’ll forget your troubles; they’ll be like old, faded photographs. Your world will be washed in sunshine, every shadow dispersed by dayspring. Full of hope, you’ll relax, confident again; you’ll look around, sit back, and take it easy…” (Job 11:15-19 MSG)

So let’s set our hearts on God, reach out to Him, hold on tight and forget our troubles. Let His peace wash over us like sunshine and let His spirit renew our confidence as we wait in Him.

So what’s next for us? Well, we know we still want a family. And are praying continuously about what that means for us. We know that another IVF round is likely a part of us future in the next 4-5 months. And we are praying for continued guidance. direction, provision, and validation that our plans are His plans.

So let the sun shine in. : )

4 thoughts on “be washed in sunshine.

  1. Elaina says:

    Chelsea, you’re amazing. Everything you’re feeling and have felt is normal. I so wish I could erase your pain, to speak it away, give you some sort of comfort. I know that will all come with time. What I can offer you in the meantime is understanding, compassion, love and prayer.

    I remember experiencing the same bitterness shortly after my miscarriage (after TTC for a year) when I find found out a friend of mine was pregnant. I thought, “This isn’t fair! They already have a child. That baby should be mine! That should be me!”

    I had never experienced loss like that before and I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. I thought if I didn’t think about it it would just go away. It wasn’t until almost a year later that I was finally ready to face my loss, to mourn it, to remember the joy I experienced for the few weeks I knew I was pregnant, and finally, to move on. God had been dealing with my heart for a few months perhaps he knew that i needed to deal with my pain first so I could deal with what was ahead (a lot more pain, but even more joy). I didn’t know it at the time, but I was pregnant again, which would turn into the most difficult, yet most amazing and blessed time of my life.

    Know that I’m praying for you every day, for the family you desire, and for peace and patience until you get it. I’m sending all my love your way.

    • chels819 says:

      I read this over and over again … thank you for the validating words, encouragement, and prayers. I love looking at where you have been and where you are and am so grateful to have you a part of this. I am blessed by you. :)

  2. Em says:

    Hi Chelsea,

    A friend shared your blog with me this evening and I looked it up right when I got home. I have only read a couple of your posts but I have to say that I am so thankful to have found you. You write beautifully and your story is truly of testimony of God’s faithfulness…even in the toughest of times. I don’t know you personally but I am saying a prayer for you right now…may God bring you a child. May He continue to comfort and strengthen you. May He make His presence fully, completely known in your life, and specifically in your infertility. Blessings to you on your journey.

    • chels819 says:

      Em, THANK you for these kind words and for taking the time to read our story. What a blessing your prayers are to us and I am grateful that despite the difficulties, that God’s faithfulness shines through, even to you as a reader. I am blessed to have you sharing in it!

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