next steps.

We know what we want. (A baby). We know what seems to be the best means of getting there (IVF). We know that it’s physically draining (ER visits, surgeries, shots, probing). We know it’s emotionally stressful. (I know my followers feel this stress too!). We know the second IVF cycle brings the greatest chance of success. (Up about 10% since the doctors know your body, responses, and your body is less resistant since it’s been through this before.)

So with all this in mind, we set out on a prayer mission to figure out what’s next. And it led us to make the following decisions:

  1. We would proceed with another fresh IVF cycle (like we did this time) vs. a frozen embryo transfer.
  2. I would resign from my position at work.

What?!

Seriously, I am not quite sure how God worked all of this out in our minds and hearts so quickly, and yet, giving us so much peace about our decisions, but He has.

Let’s work backwards.

We decided that we wanted to take advantage of the knowledge that the doctors gained on my first cycle and wanted a chance to obtain more frozen embryos. The cost of a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET for short) is the same cost and physical hardship if you transfer 1 or 2 embryos. We know that the chances of the embryos making the thaw process are about 50% and that transferring 2 have a higher chance of resulting in a pregnancy than 1. With that known, we feel more comfortable working to obtain at least 1 more frozen embryo before moving to a FET. (We currently have 1). Now, if we get pregnant from the fresh cycle, which is our real goal and objective (duh!), we still plan on using our frosty baby/babies in the future as we grow our family. So essentially we are postponing the FET in a hopeful attempt to increase our odds when that time comes.

With that decision in mind, we knew that the mental focus and rest that was put on the cycle last time was helpful. Being off of work helped immensely as the physical reactions and side effects, in conjunction with the appointments and such would be difficult to balance with my job.

For those who don’t know, I have had the opportunity to be the HR Director for a quickly growing, multi-site psychiatric organization, providing both inpatient and outpatient services. I have been able to devote the last 5 years of my professional life (ok, and personal life – those 60+ work weeks get in the way!) to being part of something incredible. What was once a small, 30 person company when I started has now grown to 200+staff members and I have enjoyed every minute of being part of something that touches so many people’s lives. (I mean, who gets to be a part of an executive team that starts and opens a HOSPITAL!? That hasn’t happened in MN without a partnering hospital for dozens of years.) With that said, it has been very busy and stressful, and while I truly love it, it’s tiring and draining. When anticipating another fresh cycle, I knew that while my company would likely continue to support me, but that it wasn’t fair to them to ask them for more time off, that may or may not result in a successful pregnancy, or may or may not result in a high risk pregnancy, which may or may not result in needing even more time off for a FET cycle should it come to that. We are working on continued expansion plans and my HR role is a critical piece of that growth. Thus the dilemma.

We knew God had an answer and believed He would guide us…and He did. I had to make the difficult decision to leave a job and company that I love, for the unknown. SCARY! Honestly, the decision has only been final for a few days and while I am incredibly excited about the future, I am so sad to be leaving this piece of my professional life behind. Through conversations and emails with staff members, I know I was able to make a difference and feel incredibly validated and honored for what I have been a part of. (I want to make this clear that this was my personal decision and my company has been nothing but supportive and has honored this decision with a lot of grace!)

My last day will be April 12th– 12 weeks away and it seems both too close and too far away. The exciting part is that I will be able to truly focus on starting a family without many outside stressors. The scary piece is not working and having an income while doing that. But … I believe that God has brought us to this decision and will provide. It falls perfectly inline with the fact that our next IVF cycle will begin on April 17th. YEAH!

I was in line at Starbucks last Friday, with my Christmas gift card in hand, thinking about how our lifestyle will change once we are down an income (and my gift card runs out!). I immediately panicked, thinking “this is so stupid!”. The “logic” behind this is crazy, giving up a great job I love for such an unknown – seriously, who does that?! I immediately questioned if this was the right decision and basically, doubted the God would provide. Then I pulled up to the window where I was informed the person in front of me paid for my coffee. Now this may seem small to you, but to me, it was a definite sign that God was trying to tell me “My child, don’t worry. I will always provide. I am in each moment. Go in faith.”

Around the same time as making this decision to leave my job, a new friend, one I met on Instagram no less, offered to send me unopened boxes of medication from her last cycle, medications costing HUNDREDS of dollars – for free. She is pregnant now and wants them to be used by someone who needs them … man, what a blessing that was! Honestly, since making this difficult decision, God has done nothing but reaffirm that no matter how silly/stupid/irresponsible/rattling this decision may feel, that it is where He is calling us.

So change is coming! The excitement of trying all of this again is high. I feel like a seasoned pro with IVF now, ha. Never in a million years did I think it would come down to this. But we know the calling in our hearts right now is to become parents and I know that I will never regret giving it 100%. Who knows what the future holds but I have seen in all this, that God is always a few steps ahead and His wisdom isn’t always something we will understand.

I think of Noah – who was called to be build and ark, and obeyed despite looking insane. Moses – who was called to bring the Israelites out of Egypt because a burning bush told him to. Mary – who carried a child despite the fact that she was a virgin. Truthfully, God doesn’t call us to look sane or to always do what makes sense. He calls us to obey what He is prompting us to do and then it requires us moving in line with His spirit. And so onward we move into a new norm, one where I don’t work, and one where I can focus on better self-care and reducing my stress levels. We are hoping and praying that this is the perfect mixture to result in a happy and healthy baby next January.

So, send me articles about coupon clipping, recipes and things to keep me busy! : ) We are excited for this next adventure and can’t wait to see what God has planned. I get to be a stay-at-home mom before I am, well, a mom. It’s weird, but exciting and I am so grateful to have a husband who is so supportive in this venture. Keep praying that God continues to affirm this decision and that bringing closure to my work “baby” goes well over the next several weeks. I wish I knew how this will all end … but until then, we trust and wait. :)

12 thoughts on “next steps.

  1. sweetmamak says:

    I love this! So happy for you and I think it is so cool how God is leading and affirming you! You are making a sacrifice for sure, but one that God has brought you too–so it will be well worth it! I look forward to continuing to follow your journey!

    • chels819 says:

      Thanks for all your faithful prayers … they are being sent up for you and your family as well! I love reading your blog as well….Provera sucks but praying that your prayers are answered soon! Hugs!

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