The birth control pills I’m on are killing me.

I feel snappy, impatient, impractical, exasperated, hormonal, mean, and short. These tiny pills turn me the worst version of myself.

I can indeed smile, but it just feels tiring. And heaven help you if you try to tell me to do something right now, because that makes me want to roll me eyes and do the opposite.

Yes, that’s the kind of mood I’ve been in lately. That of a 3 year old.

And I don’t want to be like that! In fact, at church yesterday we sang “Oh to be like you , give all I have just to know you …” and if I’m being totally honest, I couldn’t sing “oh to be like you” out loud. Because I wasn’t really embracing the intention behind the words at the time.

Here’s where I was at: I said “stupid” 19 times on my way to church. I was frustrated at a situation totally outside my control and exasperated about that. I was engaging my frazzled brain in worrisome thinking about a sick family member. I knew I needed to extend grace to someone who I felt didn’t deserve it. And so singing “oh to be like you” made me feel like a big fat fraud and in fact, was going to take more effort than I was willing to put in at the moment. So instead of being a hypocrite, I just hummed over those words.

Yes, I probably could have push all the childish emotions down and focused on Him. I could have used that time of worship to mentally clean up my bossy, babyish actions but it just felt way to difficult at the time, exhausting even. And so I let the song slip by, knowing how silly I was being.

And friends, the silliest thing was that as I hummed over the words, I was excusing myself because of BIRTH CONTROL. Birth control! First of all, I am a totally flawed person with or without birthday control. But as I sit here, it makes me think about how often we can blame intangible objects for our moods, attitudes, and reactions. This pill does have some power, yes. It affects my hormones, my rationality, and obviously my body in order for it to work as it does. But God and His character are more powerful than a pill, which means since the Holy Spirit lives in me, I am more powerful than that pill too.

But the truth is, if you’re anything like me, some days it just seems too hard. Falling back on the excuses is far easier. I get it! Overpowering emotions is tough stuff. I irrationally kicked a hanger on the floor near across the room the other day because I was so annoyed with its out-of-place presence. (Sidenote: outbursts of anger is not me, so this was not only amusing to Josh, but that amusement also didn’t help the situation in the moment. Also, the words “it’s just a hanger, you gotta choose to let it go.” led to an facial expression that my 13-self would have applauded. However, his advice was wise. It really was just a hanger.)

Friends, we have to be bigger than our emotions. I am talking to myself here when I say we have to stop using excuses. Yes, a friend may have hurt your feelings, but it doesn’t give us the excuse to be hurtful back. Yes, the hormones we’re taking are ROUGH, but it doesn’t eliminate the need for us to treat others with love, respect and kindness. As soon as we let other things dictate our world, it just becomes toxic. I can attest to that!

So, now to battle this. We have to share our emotions, frustrations and irritations with God.  I have found myself speaking out loud more lately “Ugh! Lord, I am really frustrated right now! Help me gain perspective right now, calm my heart. Remind me it’s just _______ and it will pass.” And then we have to proactively bring this issue to Him so we can better manage our reactions. Now that I am more cognizant of how this new birth control is affecting my moods, it’s easier for me to pray practically about it in the moments of calm. Lastly, we have to continue to remind ourselves that we can overcome our emotions. We have the control – the opportunity for mood swing control victory! Now we just have to stop allowing the excuses to flow and start acting like adults. Well, at least I do. (And let me tell you, this is super vulnerable to share publicly because now I have to be accountable to my words, gulp!)

“When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.” (1 Corinthians 13:11)

Now I promise, I am not a crazy monster. Just a gal who regressed slightly thanks to a pill the size of a 2-month old ladybug. But I am hoping I’m not alone today and that this is something we can challenge ourselves with together. Who’s with me!?

(And I do have to say, I am able to sing this worship song today, using it as a prayer for the Lord to empower my thoughts, words and actions. I DO want to be like Him, even when it means some hard work!)

Scandal of Grace – Hillsong UNITED – Lyrics below – acoustic version linked above, because for me, acoustic, always. 

Grace, what have You done?
Murdered for me on that cross
Accused in absence of wrong
My sin washed away in Your blood

Too much to make sense of it all
I know that Your love breaks my fall
The scandal of grace, You died in my place
So my soul will live

Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there’s no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart

Death, where is your sting?
Your power is as dead as my sin
The cross has taught me to live
And mercy, my heart now to sing

The day and its trouble shall come
I know that Your strength is enough
The scandal of grace, You died in my place
So my soul will live

Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there’s no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart
[x2]

And it’s all, because of You, Jesus
It’s all, because of You, Jesus
It’s all, because of Your love
And my soul will live

Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there’s no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart
[x2]