relapse.

February 2, 2015February 2, 201540 Comments

I hate relapsing.

That painful part in your journey when you suddenly find yourself falling 5 steps backwards, for no reason, and instead of feeling sad or tired, you feel angry. The kind of anger that burns your stomach and temporarily blinds you, like it’s a physical fury bubbling up through your veins.

Anger relapse is among the worst, for I would rather feel sad. At least when I feel sad I can be comforted. But no, anger is a different emotion. Anger makes me want to backhand anyone that heads into my path. My mind spews thoughts and words that can only be described as venomous. There is no logic with anger. I can understand the intent of everyone and still burn with anger. On my anger relapse days, I seethe. I am angry that I am still here, waiting, it’s been so long. I hurt. I am tired of my patience being tested. I am tired of being told just to trust God or that this will be worth the wait. These reminders on my Angry Days only bring frustration because don’t you think I know this?

I have moments where I want to go off on every person complaining on Facebook. Shut up! Don’t you realized how blessed you are? I am so sorry school is closed today and you have to spend time with your children. Boo frickin hoo.

I want to run around and find every piece of sugar, carbohydrates and gluten in my house and shove them in my mouth at a rapid fire pace. Don’t you see, none of this even matters? Still here. Still stuck right here.

I can’t answer my phone on days like today. My brain and lips are too closely connected. An innocent comment on the other end will only risk impulsive words being spoken.

On my Angry Days, the intensity of this emotion scares me. I am angry at myself, feeling foolish for the days I believe so fervently that this will one day happen. I feel angry that deep down, I still believe He is in control and has good, unpredictable yet perfect things planned for us. Even with that, it hurts so much … I feel angry that we keep getting passed, lapped, relapped, forgotten about. How is it so easy for some? And those it’s hard for, well, even they are making this look easy. (again “easy” – remember the logic factor is tossed on days like today.)

I am angry because I know how hypocritical all of this sounds. I am immediately slapped with guilt because I know we are the ones blessed. I know that every Facebook complaint I read has been echoed by a complaint of my own. Oh our house just doesn’t have a deck. Oh my husband has such chatty moments, always at the end of my cable tv show. Yes, my big tv, that I have to dust. Ugh. My life. It is so disgusting that I can even for a moment judge someone for complaining when I do it all the time. Add another anger coin to my stack, this time at myself.

I have two choices on Angry Days – feed the fire (let it burn baby, let it burn, let’s see how high we can get this flame) or douse it out. The later is less fun.

Feeding the fire: It’s been nearly 6 years. THEY have (1/2/3/4/5) children. WE don’t deserve this. THEY don’t appreciate their gifts, WE would appreciate it. That Superbowl commercial was insensitive, not everyone is a Dad. NO ONE GETS IT. I hate pity words, how dare they throw that insincere bandaid statement at me. This is never going to happen for us, is it? Have I just been strung along this whole time? Where have I missed the sign to get off this path? You know how many times we could have traveled Europe? My insurance sucks. How. Much. Longer.

Please tell me you have been here before. Oh it burns so bad. My anger isn’t directed at God, it’s a combination of anger at myself and then the rest residing in this cloud that is hovering above my head.

With the fury still burning in my heart (how could I forget my anger at my lame eggs, the eggs that clearly suck because we are still here), I do what any person trying to “douse the fire” does. I passively flip through my devotions, breeze over some Bible verses, completely uninterested in putting out the fire, because well, once the flames are flying high, the sizzle and heat feels strangely good and comforting.

But then, there it is. The verse that I was meant to read. Esther 4:14 “Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?”

Just like that, a splash. A gentle reminder that maybe, just maybe, I am allowed to struggle with infertility for just such a time as this. For such a time as to be able to be right here, right now, writing this post. I do believe that our skies will someday part and that I will be able to look back and think perhaps it was all for this. If I am being even more honest, reading this verse makes me angry too, because I know it is true and it really rains on my flame-raising thunder.

I’ve been given a bucket today, but the fire isn’t out. The bucket is now in my hands to slowly make the trip back and forth, from the watering hole to the fire, dousing out each flame, each smoldering coal that wants so badly to burn bright. The humanness in me wants to continue to add lighter fluid, yet the part of me that has to continue to fight knows that it’s time to let the flames tame down. Self control with my thoughts is so very hard.

Relapse days. They offer us such choices. But the anger, well, it is only hurting me. (And whoever crosses my path.) It brings damage to relationships, it pulls off the scab on my heart and it takes a lot longer to let the coals cool then to make them hotter. I don’t want to deal with burning coals tomorrow. I want to put this day behind me, oh so far behind me.

5 steps backwards but now it’s time to take a step forward. Time to walk this well worn path, trailing in the footsteps of a stronger Chelsea who already cleared this road. Time to grasp His hand and allow Him to lead me away from the campside and down to the gentle stream. Time to move.

guest post – secondary infertility.

January 27, 201525 Comments

I am privileged today to share with you a guest post by one of my dearest friends, a post that has touched my heart in a profound way. I often get questions from readers about secondary infertility and while there is a similar word shared – infertility – I am unfamiliar with how to relate to the complexity of emotions that arrive when a family wants to grow just a little more. Jana has been willing to open up her heart and story in a vulnerable and real way and I am blessed to breathe the same air as this woman. Please join me in reading Jana’s journey below, both with secondary infertility and as a newly diagnosed “cyster”, while celebrating the beautiful workings of our God who is always involved. I adore her and after reading this, I know you will too. Enjoy!

Ignorance is bliss. Or is it?

When Chelsea asked me to write a guest post on secondary infertility I told her that I felt completely incompetent because our struggle to conceive has been shorter in comparison than most other infertility stories out there in the blogosphere. We haven’t experienced several years of infertility. We haven’t experienced the immense heartache of a miscarriage. We haven’t even been through a failed IUI or IVF cycle. And yet, the deceiving chatter in my head that I sometimes believe is that I shouldn’t be so discouraged with our struggles to conceive since we already have been so immeasurably blessed with two lovely children. This then only makes me feel horribly greedy and ungrateful for wanting another. And so the cycle continues… Desire. Discouragement. Guilt. Desire. Discouragement. Guilt.

Then I realized (with the help of a gracious reminder from Chelsea) that the chatter in my head was keeping me from telling our story. My hope is that in sharing it with you, you will be encouraged to know you’re not alone. I also want to share with you what we have learned throughout this journey and why we have peace even among the setbacks.

There is nothing to be ashamed of for desiring another baby – don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Those of us whom struggle with secondary infertility have our own unique set of ignorant comments from well-wishers. Along with the “you just need to relax” comments, we often get “just be happy you have one <or in my case two> child(ren). Do you know how many infertile couples would love to have just one child!?”, implying as if our desires for wanting another child isn’t valid. And we’re constantly reminded at preschool that practically all of the other mommies around us are either pregnant or toting around a new little bundle of joy and telling us how lucky we are that we get to have a quiet moment to ourselves for a few hours while our kid is at school. (I won’t disagree that the break is nice but oh, what I wouldn’t give to have another baby instead of alone time at Target.) And how can I forget that wonderful question of “So when are you going to have another baby!?”.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been trying to conceive for 3 months, 1 year, or 10+ years… the loss of an envisioned dream is still loss. And the struggle of infertility is both physically and emotionally painful. But I’m a believer that pain can often bring purpose… if we allow it to.

A couple of years ago, I was at a conference where Beth Moore spoke to us about “Birthing Purpose”. She so beautifully and intricately wove in how our painful experiences birth PURPOSE in our lives. I could go on and on about the significance of this weekend in my life and how it prepared my heart (that is another blog post all together)… but, little did I know that just a few months after hearing this powerful message, we would be at the beginning of our infertility journey.

(Here are the highlight notes from Beth Moore’s message that weekend – so powerful!)

Today I want to share with you why I wouldn’t change our infertility story and that there has been a purpose revealed to me through this trial.

I never thought infertility would be a part of our story. When my husband and I decided to start trying for our first baby, I remember being so ignorantly over-confident that it would happen just perfectly according to our plan, honestly speaking, during the first month of trying. Oh how quickly my confidence changed after my first experience of peeing on that stick and getting a negative result. I was crushed but found hope in trying again that following month, however another failed cycle absolutely devastated my spirits. My husband traveled for work quite a bit during our season of trying and I actually demanded he return home for “prime time” baby-making one weekend (he didn’t complain…ha!). The 3^rd time must have been the charm and we welcomed our beautiful daughter, Chloe, into the world on Easter Sunday in 2009. Her birthday was the most beautiful day of my life and I immediately experienced euphoria in my new role of being a mom.

Fast forward a year and a half later and it was time to start trying for #2. WHAM. 1^st month trying and we were pregnant. We were blessed with our son, Clayton (Clay), in June of 2011. We fell madly in love with this flawless little boy and I couldn’t have imagined a more perfect life than the one we were living. Life was good, and as cheesy as it sounds, I felt like all my dreams were coming true.

Shortly after Clay’s birth, we went through a couple of big life changes. I stopped working and became a full-time SAHM. We also sold our house and moved in with my parents for 5 months while building a new home. Despite all the joyous blessings going on around me, I was rapidly gaining weight and found myself crying all the time for no reason. I was diagnosed with post-partum depression 9 months after Clay’s birth. I began taking depression medicine and started an intense workout regime 6 days a week trying to attain my pre-pregnancy body (which honestly wasn’t anything perfect before kids either… I have always been a yo-yo dieter battling the same 20-30 lbs.) For the first time in my life I loved working out and felt amazing on the inside, but my physical results were lacking despite my best efforts, resulting in a total weight loss of 1 measly pound after 10 intense weeks. Shortly thereafter, I stopped working out and quickly put on an additional 20 pounds (likely due to poor sleep habits, mental/physical stress and exhaustion.) Little did I know that my body was working against me and I was experiencing insulin resistance and hormone imbalances due to an unknown PCOS condition.

I was so discouraged with my weight and overall health so we put off trying for baby #3 until I could get back down to what I thought would be a healthy starting weight. Despite making extreme changes to my diet, (a whole foods approach with balancing proteins, fats & healthy carbohydrates, as well as drastically reducing my sugar intake) combined with trying too many home workout videos to count, it felt like it was impossible for me to lose weight. I beat myself up multiple times daily feeling like a big fat failure. This wasn’t an issue of willpower as I was trying harder than I had ever tried. I knew something was wrong but couldn’t figure out what. My husband was soooo supportive and validated my efforts, but I still felt so alone in the battle. (At this time I still was unaware of my PCOS condition.)

Although my health wasn’t where I wanted it, we decided it was time to start trying for baby #3 to complete our perfect family planning timeline. I had always responded very well to pregnancy and actually felt (& looked) my best during those 9 months. I was that annoyingly cheerful “I love being pregnant” woman that most pregnant women love to hate. When it came to trying again, I was ignorant to believe that since we had no problem getting pregnant with Chloe & Clay, we would have the same luck the 3^rd time around.

The first few months of trying again were the toughest… there were lots of tears and too many dollars spent on name brand pregnancy tests. We were 9 months into trying when I had my annual exam with my OBGYN. I had informed her that my cycles were regular but ranging from every 24-32 days. I asked for blood tests to be done but she said we should try with an ovulation kit and to come back in a couple months. She assured me in her flighty tone of voice that I would be pregnant next time I saw her. I left that appointment in tears and feeling defeated.

After 2 more months of getting positive results on ovulation predictor kits (OPK) and perfectly timed sexcapades, I returned to my OBGYN’s office still not pregnant. (I didn’t know at the time that I was actually getting false positives on the OPK’s which is common with PCOS.) My doctor finally agreed to order FSH & Estradiol blood work samples and do an Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). My results all came back normal and we were given our options for going forward. Given our diagnosis of “unexplained infertility” and the fact that I’m approaching 35 years of age, the doctor highly recommended that I see a fertility specialist. I walked out of that appointment completely dumbfounded.

“Fertility specialist!?” I questioned. I thought she was going to give me the magic Clomid pill and we’d be on our merry little way to having our perfectly planned little family in just a few short months. “How did we even get here!?” I kept asking myself.

I made our appointment with the fertility clinic and we were able to get in just one week later. My husband and I sat with the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) as he began to thoroughly explain in detail what happens in the body of a woman with PCOS. I was aware of what PCOS was but didn’t think I had the typical symptoms, so it took me quite a few minutes to realize that he was politely informing me of my destiny. Within minutes I was in the exam room having an ultrasound and blood work drawn to confirm that his diagnosis of PCOS was, in fact, correct.

I was in shock but mysteriously felt peaceful and free. I felt like I finally had an answer to so many health related questions that I’ve had for over 15 years. (digestive issues, unexplained weight struggles, bouts of depression, etc…) Since being on the proper medication since my diagnosis (Metformin for insulin resistance & birth control pills to help regulate hormones), along with my continued healthy diet & regular exercise regimen, it has already significantly helped me with weight loss and my overall health. My body is FINALLY working with me and I feel the best I’ve felt in years! Praise God!

(Note: If you are struggling with infertility or secondary infertility (even if it hasn’t been a year yet), I strongly urge you to schedule an appointment with an RE. I regret not going in sooner. I learned that OBGYN’s can help you once you get pregnant but a fertility doctor’s main mission is to help you GET pregnant.)

Most significantly, I have been overwhelmed with gratitude when I think of what a true miracle Chloe & Clay are. Most people are diagnosed with PCOS in their teens or early twenties. Most are able to conceive but rarely without the help of fertility medicine and interventions. The only reason I found out that I have PCOS is due to our struggle trying to conceive baby #3.

I know this might sound crazy, but I feel like God has answered my prayers with this diagnosis – prayers that I didn’t even know I was praying. If it weren’t for infertility, I don’t believe I would have ever known about my PCOS and I would have continued to battle the health and weight concerns that have held me in physical & emotional bondage for too many years of my life. While the weight struggle is far from gone post-diagnosis, I now have an answer to the “why!?” and that answer is such a gift to me.

I have come to the conclusion that ignorance is NOT bliss.

The ignorance of not knowing I had PCOS all these years has been hard not only for me, but for my family & friends too. They have watched me beat myself up emotionally every single day over the last 15 years wondering “what is wrong with me!?” (I don’t have the typical PCOS symptoms so I believe that is why it went undiagnosed all these years.) Though I would never ever choose PCOS (it totally SUCKS– can I get an amen soul cysters!?), I am grateful for the answer I have going forward and what it means for our family and for my health. I am finally free to be the best version of me and that will greatly impact the type of wife, mom, daughter, sister & friend that I can be to my loved ones. This unwanted diagnosis may have saved my life and certainly saved my heart from being broken any longer. I am living today with a grateful heart and a clear vision of my purpose… to bring Glory to God in everything He has called me to do.

Two birthdays ago, I began a new tradition of meditating on a key Bible verse for the entire year. I wanted the verse to correlate with the age I was turning. When I turned 33, I selected Matthew 6:33 as my year verse.

When I turned 34, I selected Psalm 34 because I couldn’t choose just 1 verse from this entire passage of His promises. Meditating on these powerful Words from God these past 2 years has been such a blessing to me. To quote the title of Chelsea’s blog, I do believe trials bring joy if we seek God’s kingdom first and praise Him even in the valleys of our broken hearts.

I will end with this prayer that I prayed almost 1 year ago when I was pleading with God to help me fully give this area of my heart to Him. I wanted to start living a life full of His intended purpose for me. I vowed to not let another year of my life be in vain and prayed that I would bring Glory to Him in everything I say and do going forward.

Lord, I’m ready to give birth to PURPOSE for this painful struggle that has held me in bondage and taken away my attention from you. God, help me, guide me, lead me, and speak through me that I may birth something that means something. That I will be obedient and I will submit to you so that I may bear fruit. Lord, help me be disciplined and open to the calling which you have given me. I pray that the right people will come along side of me to encourage me as I go through this journey and Lord, I ask that I will be a person that mutually encourages them to fulfill the purpose you have for their lives also. God — You are STRONG. You are MIGHTY. You have OVERCOME the oppressor. I have no fear for YOU are with me and holding my hand as I give birth to Your purpose for me. Amen. (March 7, 2014)

What a humbling experience these last couple of years have been. I want to explain that my prayers to lose weight all these years have never been in vain but rather that I would come to peace to accept my body just the way God made me. I believe that accepting my PCOS diagnosis and infertility struggle is all a part of this journey to acceptance. I’m not “broken”… I am fearfully and wonderfully made for a clear PURPOSE destined by God. How comforting it is to know that He is the one guiding us in each and every step and that He has never failed us. We feel led to go forward with our first IUI in just a few weeks. Prayers are appreciated as we continue on our journey! :)

“friday” favorites – january 23.

January 24, 20154 Comments

Let’s pretend today is Friday, okay?

Favorite Mail: My friends are the best, really. Remember how I had a hard day last week, followed by a cancelled cycle on Friday? Well, it was like God prepped everyone in advance to mail out cards and goodies prior to my tough day(s) so that the love poured in when I needed it most. I am so totally spoiled by the best community. Thank you all deeply.

Thank you Vanessa! I want to frame this adorable card.

Elisha over at waitingforbabybird.com/ cheered me up with prayers and chocolate! WIN!

Matt and Karen sent love from Florida … these friends have been so faithful in their support and prayers over the years!

My Person Karen sent a boxful of goodies – magazines and bookmarks and other thoughtful “me” things. What a thoughtful surprise! (And this photo doesn’t do it justice.)

THIS! How many of you know I collect Starbucks mugs from all over the world? Well, I do. And my friend Heather completely surprised me with a package containing this AWESOME mug from a Boston Starbucks. In fact, I’m drinking from it as I type this! I love adding this to my collection! Heather, you’re wonderful!

Favorite Memory: Our Girls Retreat Weekend was the best ever. We had SO much fun getting away for a few days, relaxing and eating and laughing so hard. (The best kinds of soundless laughs too, where you can hardly catch your breath and you momentarily fear that your lungs won’t come up for air.) I am so blessed and grateful for these women in my life. We topped the weekend off with a significant prayer session for one another and His presence was tangible. I love my people.

Late night – take 15253. We tried.

Make-up free, silly shows on the lake. Love these girls.

Looks like we are in the tundra right? Nope, that’s just standing out on the lake up north. Gorgeous though right!?

What girls weekends are made of – 80’s movie’s, snacks, cider, and blankets. Not pictured – nail polish, late nights, all that girly stuff.

Favorite Selfie: While getting ready to leave for work on Wednesday morning, I stop, dropped and selfied with Cali – she even sort of participated? Okay, so maybe not but still, I love this pup.

Favorite Blog Quote: My sweet friend Heidi over at People, Place or Things wrote this great post this week about taking time to refill yourself and perhaps it’s because I am a similar season as she was writing about, but this quote hit home: “Lately, my days have been filled with activities that drain me. And that’s fine and necessary and life. But, I haven’t been as intentional about balancing my calendar with commotion that fills me. Like taking baths.” I love that she acknowledged that part of life is doing things that may be draining and necessary, but it was a great reminder that I also have to be intentional about balancing in things that refuel my spirit, which I haven’t been as good at lately (There’s that words again, intentional, I get it!) So thank you Heidi for reminding me that even midst seasons of busy and need-to-do, self-care needs to be on the list too!

(image from Heidi’s website)

Favorite Share: I have been slowly trying to take control over the chemicals and germs that take over our house and lives and have found Norwex to be a company that does an incredible job creating other alternatives. This week I got to host a party with several girlfriends and had a Rep share more about what I have been learning – it was so fun and educational! If you are interested in learning more, let me know. Or if you are interested in placing an order with my online party, the link is open until Tuesday and you are invited to do so. (http://lovemycloths.com/) – enter Chelsea R as host or if it doesn’t work, still send it in and let me know and she can move your order to my party.

Favorite Gift: My dear friend Holly met up with me and shared this story with me – last September she was away at a conference and this necklace caught her eye. She wasn’t sure why she was supposed to buy it, but she did and she tucked it away and waited. Well, because God is God, He began to make it clear to her that this necklace was meant to be given to me – which is crazy because when she bought the necklace, we hadn’t even met yet! I love how God orchestrated this beautiful encouragement to me and also used her heart and generosity to bless me so. Arrows are a beautiful symbol in the infertility journey. They remind us that “an arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it’s going to launch you into something great.” There is such encouragement in the draw knowing that there will be, at some point, a release, a simple and swift motion that will change the momentum of it all. So Holly, thank you. Thank you for blessing me with this God-given reminder and acting on it. Once I have “launched”, I can’t wait to pass this necklace on to the next girl who is in the slow and painful process of being drawn back.

Favorite Funnies:

There you have it! My “Friday” Favorites. (*wink* *wink*). Thanks to everyone who has been emailing over questions for the Q&A series coming up in February! I am soooo excited to dive into these – keep sending them over! Whoooo hooooo! Have a great weekend friends.

send ’em over.

January 20, 2015January 21, 20159 Comments

I frequently get emails with some awesome questions from readers – everything from “what books to do you recommend?” to “what words do you have for someone going through a miscarriage?” The questions are all SO good and I love interacting with each of you as you pepper me with some thoughtful questions. They cause me to pause and think and that’s a good thing!

My inbox has been especially filled lately (I LOVE IT!) and it has inspired me with an idea for a series of posts – a Question and Answer series! That’s right, all those questions you have been emailing me over the last few years, send them my way via comment or email and I will work my way through them. Don’t make them all serious – send me over some fun, random ones too! :) I can’t wait to address some of the most common questions to specifics about our journey. Faith, treatment, personal life – nothing is off limits!

My email is listed here, you can write it below, or comment on an Instagram post. If you would like your blog tagged back and your name identified, just leave it in the comments (From NAME at XXXX) and I will credit your question to you. However, if you want to be anonymous, that is completely fine as well, just let me know. (First names only will be used.) The question window is open till the end of the month so send them over. I’m really looking forward to this!

Oh and due to a crazy week, Friday Favorites may not be posted until Saturday … just pretend like it’s Friday when you read them. Hehe!

I’ll leave you today with a great message I read a few weeks ago that has been stewing in my brain: “The mention of a journey implies an arrival. If God guides us, however we may dislike it, it means there is a goal to our journey. Because it is God’s will for us to reach that goal, we can be certain we will reach it. We start and stop and change our minds. People disappoint us; we disappoint ourselves and may give up. Not God! He always finishes what He begins.” Rest in the fact that regardless of our outcome, there is an end to this journey and a destination. Chances are it may be nothing like we imagine or plan it to be, but it’s there and it’s going to be glorious. Have a great rest of the week friends!

friday favorites – january 9th.

January 9, 2015January 9, 20158 Comments

Happy Friday! Why not, let’s jump right in!

Favorite Moment: Monday was kind of a tough day for me (see here: outcomes) but Monday night completely redeemed the day. Yes, the new season of the Bachelor started. Now before you get all judgy on me, hang on. One of the reason I love it (besides the cringing drama), is that I gather with my girlfriends and we spend hours eating, laughing, and making assumptions based on hair styles and limo debuts, all while snuggled up on my couch. The best. Thanks Jana, Julie, Anna, Monica and Danielle for being the bright spot in my day and for guffawing with me while taking tedious notes about which girl is who. I love you girls.

Favorite Read the Bible Challenge: How many of you think “ah, I am totally going to read the Bible this year” and then slip off path and get so far behind you ignore the goal completely. Well, you’re not alone! But this year, She Reads Truth loaded a #365day plan in their Android/IPhone app which allows you an easy way to digitally pull up the days reading, scroll through and read it (perhaps instead of looking at facebook or instagram – time management skills learned too!) and then mark it off as complete. If you want to ask questions to the community reading it together, an extra swipe of your finger to the right brings you to discussion boards. It isn’t dated so if you fall a day or two behind, just jump in where you left off. I love it! So download the SheReadsTruth app today (free!) and select the Bible in a Year plan. (There are many great other plans too if you are looking for a new devotional.) Or download the daily assignment list to print off and stick in your Bible if you are a hard-copy reader. Enjoy!

Download the PDF Printable Plan Here

Favorite Book: My sister-in-law finished reading this book and the next thing I knew, it was sitting in my mailbox waiting for me to read. Ladies, if you want a great read, order this book today! What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty is a funny, heartfelt book with an infertility secondary storyline. I must warn you, it will be like reading the inside of your head at times and it can be a little overwhelming (I had to set it down a few times, but in a good, therapeutic way if that makes sense), but it completely redeems itself. Even if you never struggled but like to read, go buy it. It isn’t obnoxious, quite the opposite and I think you’ll enjoy it! Yes, there are a few swear words, but only a few. I loved this book. (Thanks for letting me borrow it Monica!)

Favorite Makeover: Our little ragamuffin furbaby Cali got groomed last weekend. She can finally see again and I think she’s carrying herself with a little bit of extra sass because of it.

Favorite Accomplishment: You know that to-do task that sits on your list for days at a time because you don’t want to do all the work it involves? Well, I got TWO of those tasks done this last week. (Thank you New Years umph!) Josh and I tackled a closet we have wanted to organize for, um, 2ish years, and I finally got my passport sent off to be renewed. I don’t know why it felt like such a project (go get a picture, wait for it to print, make an appointment and go to the passport office, fill out the paperwork, go to the post office ..) but it took about 30 minutes and I am so glad it’s just done. Check, check, and check!

Favorite Memory: Josh and I went to the NHL game last night with my parents, which was SO fun. Chicago Blackhawks (parents) vs. Minnesota Wild (us). I love the light hearted family tension these games create! Sadly, the Wild couldn’t pull out a win but it was fun to see my parents so happy at the Blackhawks victory. It was a great game – a lot of shots attempted (over 60) and good people sitting around us. Two highlights – one, when we looked up at the big screen during a break, we saw a picture of my mom and I flashing up there that must have been taken from Instagram. It’s always fun to see yourself on the big screen. Sadly we have no proof because we were too busy screaming and pointing. Hey, living in the moment, right? Secondly – Josh loves getting popcorn at hockey games. He’s borderline obsessed as he talks about the popcorn days before the game. So he gets his popcorn and I took out a hotdog sized basket of it for me, but of course I got bumped and spilt the whole basket of popcorn all over the guy in front of me. The only thing is, the guy has no clue he has 241 popcorn kernels sitting on his back between him and the chair. So as I begin to panickily remove kernels and apologize (to which he is not hearing me), my mom keeps taking pictures and is laughing hysterically. The row behind her got involved with “I won’t tell him!!!” cries and offers to take better angled pictures of this fiasco. (To which my mother easily accepted and her phone now contains way too much evidence of this incident.) We were all hysterical and when the poor man moved, he got a better realization of the popcorn all over him (and now in his pants). He was such a good sport about it and we got him brushed off with no damage done, but had quite the laugh at my clumpsy popcorn act.

Favorite Thing I am Looking Forward To: Watching the Parenthood episode from last night. It’s sitting on my DVR box and I am typing furiously so that I can go watch it. People, if you aren’t watching Parenthood, you are missing out. Big time.

Favorite Funnies: And now, the moment you have all been waiting for … the funnies!! Enjoy!

Alright friends, until next time …. have a wonderful weekend!

Have you had a chance to click and read my post over at Fertility Authority yet? If not, click here and visit today! Thanks!

keep dreaming.

January 7, 20153 Comments

Hi friends! First of all, thank you all for the support on my first blog post written on Fertility Authority last month! You guys poured out the love (and clicks) and I am SO appreciative. Just think, with every click you made over the last 30 days, you were able to take part in raising money towards our IUI cycles. Now that is pretty cool, right!? I think of you all as I swallow those pills and look lovingly at that trigger shot, hehe!

Well, the time has come for my next post! Same as before, would you guys be just as supportive and head over there to click and read? It’s all about keeping the dreams we have alive despite disappointments. I would LOVE to continue to show them the amazing team I have behind me!

Okay, to read (and support) click this link: CLICK ME! CLICK ME! CLICK ME!

Or here’s the link for copying purposes: http://www.fertilityauthority.com/blog/chelsea-ritchie/2015/1/07/keep-dreaming

As always, feel free to share in any and all ways possible. :) I hope that someone is blessed and encouraged by these words. While I love the self therapy of writing, I am also so grateful for the ability for God to speak to others through our experiences. To Him be the glory!

See you back on Friday for the first real edition of Friday Favorites 2015! Whoooo hoooooo!

Did you miss my last blog post on Fertility Authority? No worries! Click here to read!

outcomes.

January 5, 2015January 5, 201534 Comments

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“Your faith isn’t in the outcome you want, but is in the faithfulness of God.” -Pastor Craig Groeschel-

Outcomes aren’t always what we hope them to be are they? I heard the above quote this morning on a podcast and it reminds me that disappointing outcomes doesn’t mean that God isn’t faithful. Today our outcome wasn’t what we hoped. I read a paragraph in a book that said this – and it explains my reaction so perfectly. It said “…So now I just assume it won’t work and that if it does work, I’ll lose it anyway. This is meant to protect me, although it doesn’t, because somehow the hope sneakily finds its way in. I’m never aware of the hope until it’s gone, whooshed away like a rug pulled from under my feet, each time I hear another ‘I’m sorry.'”

Whoosh.

I try to stay guarded, finding that delicate balance of Hope and practicality. Perhaps I am jinxing myself, doubting when I am supposed to be trusting. I’d like to believe God doesn’t work like that though. He knows the delicate fears of my heart, the terror of getting my hopes up. If I am being really honest, the deepest, smallest, most intimate part of my brain isn’t scared that He can’t do this (I am certain that He can), but it’s that He won’t.

Whenever those words of fear start to build “what if He won’t, what if He won’t, what if He won’t….”, running like a train going full speed in my brain, I have to stop. Sometimes screaming at my brain – STOP! The words screeching like the brakes on a metal track. Because those are the words of the devil, wanting to chip away at the Hope we have in Him, wanting to drain the reminders of His faithfulness, wanting to absorb the trust I have stocked up. Again, if I am being honest, I was more prepared for this outcome than if it were a positive result. My body and brain move on auto-pilot now. Negative. Bleeding. Cramps. Ouch. Ultrasound. Pills. Lather, rinse, repeat.

So today I am thankful for ibuprofen, a (brief) reunion with americanos, heating packs, and the loving encouragement and hope-filled words of friends still rooting for us. A new cycle of letrozole starts tomorrow. Let’s do this again. I’ve got it in me. The fight is still there, the desire is still there and more importantly, the calling is still there. So we keep marching. And waiting. 1 Samuel 14:6 “…Perhaps the Lord will act in our behalf. Nothing can hinder the Lord…” Lord, we are asking you, again, to act on our behalf. Chance are You are doing just that and we can’t see it. Help my eyes to see what’s beyond me, not what’s in front of me.

Onwards.

perfect peace.

December 29, 2014December 29, 20148 Comments

Today I am reminded of the need for my continued desire to e*a*r*n*e*s*t*l*y seek God. “Oh God you are my God; earnestly I seek you, my soul thirsts for you…” (Ps. 63:1) I often find myself seeking Him, not because I am thirsting for Him, but because it’s part of my routine, on my to-do list, or even worse, I need something from Him. (Can you imagine if your significant other only connected with you when they needed something? Ouch.) And then Isaiah 26:3 reminds me “You will keep in P-E-R-F-E-C-T P-E-A-C-E all who trust in You, all whose thoughts are fixed on You.”

So here’s the formula I have figured out:

True, earnest desperation for God –> earnestly seeking Him –> trusting in Him and His character –> perfect peace –> continued desperation and longing for God.

The longing for Him can’t come out of needing something or be rushed because it’s “on the list”, it has to be genuine. And in order to build that genuine adoration, we have to take the intentional time to get to know Him. It takes authentic energy. What a reminder this is for me today! And what a perfect example of why seeking Him and staying grounded in Him for no reason other than I thirst for Him is so important. Side benefit: perfect peace.

My relationship with God, like any others, can hit nice easy strides. However, just as we have to be intentional to pursue our friendships and make sure that we are taking time for relationships in our life that are so important to us (and expressing that!), so we have to do with our Creator.

We are wrapping up 2014 this week. Whoa. Where has this year gone? In the past, I have had a word of the year – a word that drives my heart and intentions for personal growth. The word for 2014 was “contentment”, based off of Philippians 4, “I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.”

How did I do? I would like to say I did good, but of course know there are always ways for significant improvements. I do feel like this verse and the prayerful intentions to find contentment whatever my circumstances has helped me to grow. I wrote in my journal a year ago today “To a year where trust goes ahead of trials and His work is accomplished through us an in us.” My prayer for this year repeats itself, as I pray for trust that goes ahead of anything that comes our way (or doesn’t) and that He would continue to be glorified in it all.

So what’s the 2015 word? I have it – I am praying on it and flushing it out and can’t wait to share it with you soon.

Thanks for all your continued prayers sent as we are midst our 2WW. Tick tock tick tock. We are trying not to think about it and I am ignoring it nearly completely which is actually pretty impressive. Typing this message is the most thought I have given it to it in a while. So when you text and ask how I am feeling and doing, know that my brief “good” isn’t trying to be rude, it’s keeping me from over-analyzing and stressing about something I have no control over. I am thankful for the distractions these holiday seasons give us.

Enjoy these last few days of 2014 – let’s strive forward with an earnest pursuit of Him because He is who He is, not because of what He can do for us. Amen?!

And while I type, Cali sleeps on MY new heated blanket. She thinks this is the best Christmas present her mom has ever gotten! Ha!

If you haven’t already entered the New Years Giveaway, take a minute to do so! You still have a few more days!

new years giveaway.

December 26, 2014December 26, 20149 Comments

Merry Day-After-Christmas! Hope has come and now we sit back and rest in His presence. I imagine today is the day Mary sat thinking about how much her life as changed as Jesus fussed and cried and needed to be fed. I love the fact that in His humanness, He was just as dependent on Mary as a baby as we are now on Him. I often feel disappointment once Christmas is over, but this year, I feel like the magic is sticking around a little longer.

Okay, and now the REALLY fun news! I am SO excited to be teaming up with some incredible friends for an amazing New Years Giveaway! As the New Year approaches, we realized what a blessing it would be to help others on their faith walk and journey with Jesus. I don’t know about you but there is something special about a new year, a new devotional or journal and a cup of coffee that screams productive quiet time! I just know the winners of this giveaway are going to be so blessed! And instead of just having one winner, we thought it would be fun to have THREE, which means you have 3 chances to win some amazing prizes sponsored from the bloggers below! It’s SO easy to earn entries – simply click HERE Rafflecopter giveaway and earn drawing points by getting to know the sponsors better. There’s a free entry as well. It’s super easy – just use your name and email to sign up (so we know who is entering and how to contact you)! We all are praying that God blesses the winners in BIG ways with the goodies below! The contest is open to anyone which means you don’t need to be in any special season of life to enter. We really just want to bless others!

Without further ado, the fabulous prizes will be …

Package One: 1st Winner – $75 Value

Journaling Bible
Blessings for a Woman’s Heart Devotional
Max Lucado Calendar
Jesus Today Book
Scripture Cards

Package Two: 2nd Winner – $45 Value

2 CD’s
Starbucks Gift Card
Notepad
Women’s Devotional

Package Three: 3rd Winner – $25 Value

Itunes Gift Card
Journal
Scarf

In Due Time ♦ The Lady Okie ♦ A Touch of Grace ♦ Trials Bring Joy ♦ Jessi’s Design

Sage the Blog ♦ Run to Radiance ♦ The Artsy Cajun ♦ Viva Good ♦ Amateur Nester

a Rafflecopter giveaway

A big thanks to my friend Caroline for hosting!! I love being able to share some love with my wonderful readers and friends. The contest is open from now until January 2nd (one week!), so don’t delay in entering today. You will be contacted if (when! I’m feeling hopeful for my readers!) you win and your package will be sent out no later than January 7th.

Whooo hoooo! Sending you wish dust and lots of love!

XO,

Chelsea

Christmas hope.

December 24, 2014December 24, 20144 Comments

Today is Christmas Eve! When did it sneak up? I have been sitting here for a while now, looking at my blank computer screen and trying to make sense of the beautiful emotions running through me. The end of the Advent season drawing near and the celebration of His arrival is approaching, Christmas is only a day away! December mixes in the emotions of longing and hoping and then celebrating the completion of our waiting. Jesus came, arriving to this earth as a helpless baby, demonstrating that the hope in Him was not displayed.

Hope. A frail word that creates emotions throughout so many of us. When we are disappointed and sorrows overwhelm us, our hope is dashed, stolen by tears and replaced with discouragement. When what we have hoped for comes true, we become advocates of optimism, losing our cynic routine and spouting happy words.

We’ve talked a lot in this blog about hope, keeping our hope in Him. (See past posts here and here and here and here) One of my favorite verses comes from Hebrews 6, “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” Hope defined is “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.” I have related this to my infertility journey often times – expecting our prayers to be answered and hoping in Him for that. However this Christmas season, I am reminded that this word goes far beyond my wish list, it is much more than that.

Hope is believing and being certain that He has come and that He will come again. Hope is expecting His faithfulness to endure time, that His Word is true and that as a result, we don’t have to worry. HE is the anchor for our soul. His arrival to earth all those years ago secured our future, regardless of what that looks like. His arrival overrides all feelings of “God has forgotten about us” or “God doesn’t care about me.” His birth restores the Hope that we have in His Word and contains the answer to our future – the Hope that His word will prevail and that He will come again. Because of the miracle of Jesus’ virgin birth, our hope will never need to waver because He wins. In the end, He wins. So no matter what we go through, what we face, what trials or sorrows come our way, once you become a child of His, we can rest fully assured that our Hope in Him is never displaced.

As you walk into Christmas, pause and reflect about the JOY in this season. I know sometimes when we have struggles, the focus of those sorrows can displace the joy of the season. But Christmas is more than a season; it is celebrating something far more eternal than an empty home, empty arms, a worried heart. It’s celebrating His faithfulness to fulfill what He has promised. Christmas can carry with it emotional landmines for those struggling with infertility – questions asked, parties attended, children and families everywhere. There is a fine line of acknowledging your real emotions of sorrow and pain and not letting it override the beauty of Christmas. I pray today that each of you, in the heartache of today, can remember that this suffering will not last forever. That He has been born in the city of David, and came to save us because of His love for us. Keep the faith my friends. Grieve as needed but not as those without Hope. Because He came, He conquered and He will come again. Because He hears your prayers, sits with you as you cry, collects your tears, and loves you so much.

If you ever are in a place where you want to know more about what it looks like to take a step forward towards Him, begin a relationship with Him, invest back in this love He has for you, I am just an email away. Nothing would bring me more joy than to talk with you about what it is that He offers to us that allows me to rest confidently in Him.

This Christmas I get to celebrate as a PUPO. (Pregnant until proven otherwise). Our IUI was on Monday and went well. We had a small catheter/uterus collision which caused some pain and cramping and I know that I am not alone in having that have happened before. To those who have experienced that before, a collective ‘ouch’ on three would be great, 1 … 2…. 3…. OUCH! Thankfully Josh was there and I could squeeze his hand, hard. Otherwise I was able to go home and rest the remainder of the day and now am returning to life as planned. 2 week waits can be hard, but the great thing about this one is that the holidays are throughout them and I will be distracted enough. I feel like 2 week waits get easier the more times you go through them but ask me again in a week!

This Christmas we celebrate the HOPE we have. Not the hope we have in a possible pregnancy, although we do celebrate that too. No, we celebrate the Hope we have in eternal life because of what transpired on Christmas many years ago.

Merry Christmas my friends!

Want some more Christmas posts? Check out my notes to Santa in the past – 2012 and 2013 – and also my Christmas posts here and here. They are among my favorites!