1,209,600 seconds of waiting

July 23, 2013July 23, 201319 Comments

Waiting. What’s that? Ha.

If you are anything like me, waiting is hard. Especially when it’s something you really want. The world is filled with inspirational quotes about waiting – “The longer you wait for something, the more you’ll appreciate it when you get it, because anything worth having is definitely worth waiting for.” Yahoo! Yeah waiting! Love it! Wait on!

I joke , but I do love that quote. And it’s true …. But it doesn’t make the waiting any easier.

I wish there was a magic pill to take to give you just a little glimpse of the future (like let’s say, a week and a half from now). Or I wish that God would just TELL ME already. (Impatient much Chelsea?) This 2 week wait is lonnnng and hard. Doing this time and time again doesn’t necessarily make it any easier.

My dog Cali decided last night that she really just wanted to make sure I was awake when she was. I need a drink of water, her little doggie brain thought, I must make sure to scratch Mom’s pillow until she wakes up just to let her know I am jumping down to get a drink…..Ahh, back in bed. What? She fell back asleep? Not okay. I must lay on her face to ensure she knows I am back in bed. It was like this all night! And as a result, I laid wide awake after a while. Ah, a perfect time to pray and make it really easy for God to tell me if I am pregnant or not.

“Okay God, you don’t have to audibly speak to me, I’ll make this easy for you … how about you just give me the hiccups if I am pregnant.”

No hiccups.

Okay, well that was a hard one.

“How about if I just feel a really big pinch in my uterus on 3 …. 2 …. 1 …. “

Ouch! Wait. That was just a feather from my pillow poking through on my arm. Dang.

“How about if you DON’T give me the hiccups if I am pregnant.”

No hiccups! I WIN! Wait.. that really doesn’t mean anything … shoot.

I got to the point where I realized God didn’t want to play this game. He just wanted me to trust Him. Trust that He is in control. Trust that He will bless us with a child whenever the time is right (again, God, next week would be great, just throwing that out there…)

I have continued to look for physical feelings and such of a pregnancy, (granted I am only 5 days past transfer, meaning that they really wouldn’t be appearing now anyways, but one can dream …) when I came across this line in Jesus Calling earlier this week. “Affirm your trust in Me, regardless of how you feel….Concentrate on trusting Me and fearfulness will gradually lose its foothold within you.”

I love that it used the word “feel”. So often that relates to our human emotions, but to me, it spoke directly to the physical feelings I had been trying to search for. And the message from Him was clear – Affirm your trust in Me.

Proverbs 3:5 (AMP) says “Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.” Hmmm, so maybe my limited, heavily-searched for insight really will do me no good. I’m getting it God.

So on and on we wait. Similar to previous cycles, we will share with our blogging friends the news as soon as family and friends have been told. Keep those prayers coming in the meantime! I believe God is hearing every single one of them and that His promises will be fulfilled.

third times the charm …. right?

July 19, 2013July 20, 201327 Comments

Well, this is the first time I have ever attempted to blog from my iPhone so I don’t anticipate this being long, edited well, or articulate. :) But I wanted to check in and let you all know how the transfer went! It went great! Josh and I enjoyed a breakfast out before hand. We were told our transfer would be a 1:00, and since we’re doing a pre and post transfer in office acupuncture session, we needed to check in at 11:30. Instead of trying a new place like we did the first two times, we went back to the restaurant we went to the day of our first transfer, since that one resulted in a BFP.

Our table at the cafe

Then, with my lucky socks on (thanks Ashley!), our excitement high and tummy’s full, we headed to the clinic!

My acupuncturist met us there and chatted with us while I quickly guzzled 32 oz of water in 10 minutes, then administered such a relaxing session. Josh got to watch and I slept and relaxed. I think the Valium helped the nap. :) We then went back into prep to change. We were anxious to hear how the thaw went. We knew we had 3 embryos frozen and were praying that at least 2 survived the thaw, ideally the first two thawed so we would still have 1 left. The nurses spent extra time with us and it seemed like ages until the doctor came in. FINALLY we got good news that our first two embryos thawed! In fact, one was already hatching! (Embryos are in a mothers egg, much like a chickens. Unlike a chicken though, the embryo breaks free from its shell when it’s strong enough to survive solely on its own genes and is ready to attach itself to the uterine wall. Way to go little over achiever!) The transfer itself went so smoothly, the easiest one thus far, and after resting for a while in the procedure room, we were brought back to meet with the acupuncturist. She administered a different kind of session and man, I was out like a light! I was so relaxed and calm. I really felt such a sense of peace.

Since then, I’ve been at home on strict bedrest! We are so blessed to have others help us with meals. And I was blessed with some goodies as well. So greatly appreciated!!

So now we wait! God knows the outcome of this cycle and we can only pray, beg and plead that His will lines up with our hearts desires. We are so blessed to have so many people praying for us! We were blessed by many posts requesting prayers on our behalf yesterday, as well as a special friend who even fasted for the day for us. Wow. Incredible.

So now we ask you to continue in your faithful prayers for us. We continue to feel the calling to be parents and know that God is the giver of life. I was reading this verse in Matthew on Wednesday and it seemed to be a perfect message for my heart: “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” (Matthew 6:34 MSG)

ok! Enough with this phone blogging … 3 hours later …. You guys rock.

praises and prayers.

July 14, 201319 Comments

Okay friends, you are all AMAZING prayer warriors! Since I posted my last blog I have not spotted ONCE. I mean it. That is INCREDIBLE and a validation that God is listening and that He hears the needed affirmations of our hearts. (Not that I needed that validation to believe He was listening, but it sure does help!) Man, I am so grateful for your prayers! I won’t know about my lining until the day of transfer (4 days away! AH!) but I am praying its exactly here God wants it to be. The nurse did call and let me know we are still on schedule for the transfer; however, my estradiol levels are very low. Not low enough to cancel the transfer, but low enough to require some more serious prayers.

I was so busy giving you a medical update last post that I forgot to mention all the exciting things that have been going on in our lives since July started! Here you go:

We celebrated our 8 year wedding anniversary. Here’s a few pictures from that special day in 2005!

We were able to sneak away for the overnight, penny-paid-for staycation! We had SUCH a blast. We walked around the city and spent some time in Barnes and Nobles hunting for Waldo’s and Wenda’s. We stopped at Candyland for a treat and enjoyed dinner out. We laughed, had breakfast in bed and didn’t talk about IVF or infertility. It was lovely.

a brief look at our weekend!

never afraid to be silly!

Then Josh celebrated his birthday – the big 3-1! We had some friends over for a BBQ and of course, ice cream cake.

from Cali :)

His one request every birthday!

I grew up close to Six Flags Great America in Chicago and have been longing to ride a rollercoaster recently. Not since my senior year, Mr. Rink’s physic class trip have I gone! I knew that once I am pregnant (God willing!), roller coasters would be out of the question, probably for a while, so my sister and I snuck away to Valley Fair for a day at the amusement park. Now, no, the roller coasters aren’t Six Flags quality, but once there, I also realized that my stomach no longer is 16, so the quicker less intense rides were greatly appreciated! Still, I managed to have the need to spend some time on a bench waiting for the world to stop spinning and the highlight of our day was going around and around (and around and around) the lazy river. I don’t know how, but I managed to get flipped so if you ever want to know what it’s like to be upside down in 3 feet of water, just ask me.

I finished the last of my tummy shots (and hope that it’s the last ones for a lonnnggg time) and just started PIO booty shots! (Progesterone in Oil) Not so fun, but SOOO worth it knowing the medicine will hopefully help me carry a full term baby! (Again God willing). We took this silly shot last night with the first injection – the first of ones that will hopefully last every night for the next 15 weeks.

Hopefully the last time I will need to see this in a while!

Infertility is literally a pain in the butt. HA! (Hey, can’t lose our sense of humor in all this, can we??)

All in all, life is good. I am constantly re-reminded of the words in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NLT) “Always be joyful. Always keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ.” I am sure we can all reflect back on the troubles in life, the hardships and the frustrations. But the words of Christ have never been more true – Always be joyful. It can seem so hard to find that joy sometimes but I learn and experience more and more each day that our joy is not to be rooted in our wants or desires, our successes and our victories. They are simply to be rooted in Him. Joyful always. No particular circumstances required.

I played book roulette the other night – you know, that game I love, where I flip to something, in this case a page, and whatever is on the page is meant for me to read at that moment. The words pierced my heart and renewed my spirit: “Today we suffer. Today we don’t understand….Someday all the scattered, broken pieces will fall into place, and we will suddenly understand the hand of God has been upon us all the time. All the tragedy – all the darkness – will instantly be swallowed up by triumph. What a perfect ending to our imperfect stories!”

I love that. He wipes every tear from our eyes, He holds us so close. I have to chose to believe that if I knew everything He knew, that I would chose this exact same journey for us. We are more than conquers in Christ Jesus.

So please join us in praying for a few things this week:

1 – complete peace in our hearts that this transfer is God’s timing despite the less than ideal circumstances of last Friday’s doctors appointment;

2- that my lining is perfectly where God wants it to be and that my estradiol levels raise to a point where pregnancy is possible and sustainable;

3 – that our embryos thaw perfectly. (We won’t find out their status until Thursday morning when we arrive to the clinic);

4 – that the transfer goes well on Thursday, exactly according to God’s will; and

5 – that our hearts will be filled with joy, peace, and encouragement as we step down this emotionally overwhelming path again.

We are so blessed to call you our friends and supporters. He has placed you in our lives for a reason and we are ever so thankful for that!

emotions.

July 12, 2013July 12, 201316 Comments

My transfer is scheduled to be next Thursday! Already! Can you believe it? I am amazed at how much easier the frozen cycles are than the fresh cycles. Granted, I feel like the fresh cycles went faster – perhaps it’s because you are constantly at the doctor and things are very active – while on this, it’s basically an easy shot once a day, several pills and only 3 doctors’ appointments from start to transfer. As I have said before, the FET cycle is broken into 2 stages – 1: suppressing your ovaries and thinning out the uterine lining then 2: keeping the ovaries suppressed while thickening the lining for transfer.

While this cycle is technically A different type of IVF (frozen vs fresh), I feel like I know my body and the medications well enough to know what to expect, what’s “normal” for me and what’s not. What’s been normal for me in the past is to have a stellar lining, no spotting when I am not suppose to be, and relatively low estradiol levels. I figured this frozen cycle would be a great match for that because 1: you need good, thick lining, 2: spotting typically hurts the lining because its shedding it and 3: I am on enough estradiol pills to make a man squeak.

However earlier this week, I started spotting. Which is really weird for me because that’s not normal. And I shouldn’t be spotting at this point. I passed phase 1 and was in phase 2 – my lining is supposed to be thickening, not thinning. After a few calls to my nurse and a few responses of “wait till your ultrasound on Friday, anything is normal”, I still felt uneasy.

Brief medical talk – my lining has typically been between 11 mm and 13 mm. The minimum threshold for “good” lining is 7 mm and they would like to see it preferably at 8 mm. So far I have been able to welcome my embryos with a nice plush lining. However, today, they let me know it was only at 8 mm. Dang.

It doesn’t surprise me. I have been spotting for 5 days now. But why? They did some inspecting and found no fluid in my uterus or ovaries, which is good. Which means they have no reason to suspect any issues have arisen and want me to proceed with the transfer. They drew labs for blood work and will call me this afternoon. I have a hard time believing that my estradiol levels are high enough when my lining isn’t even that thick. So I will keep waiting for that call and hope it brings some direction to my confused mind.

I feel like I don’t really have any answers right now. I am asking for prayers that the spotting stops, that my lining supernaturally thickens up over the next week and that I would have peace. I feel like something is “off” and that’s hard to sit with when the doctor and nurses tell you everything is fine. They are having me start another shot tomorrow night (the big progesterone in oil booty shot – OUCH!) and antibiotics on Monday to prepare for the Thursday transfer. But it’s all just not sitting right.

My emotions are a bit all over right now.

Hope – I truly believe that God can do anything and have Hope that if this cycle is meant to be, then it will happen. I know God can do amazing stuff. I love the story of Jesus, Martha, Mary and Lazarus. Here you have Martha and Mary, mourning the death of their brother for 4 days when Jesus finally shows up. Martha knows her brother is dead and I love what she says to Jesus: “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask.” Even with her brother dead – she still had the faith to ask and the Hope that God would answer her prayers. I am doing my best to carry that hope with me into the week.

Uncertainty – I just don’t know why things are so different this cycle. As Josh positively reminded me, based on the fact that we don’t have a baby right now – maybe different is good. But to me, it just has created an unsettled feeling in my stomach. Something doesn’t feel right.

Excitement – if all goes well, and the transfer does happen, then I could potentially be pregnant with one or two babies in a matter of weeks. That is exciting! Visualizing it working and having that moment of pure joy is so exciting to look forward to.

Fear – … but what if it doesn’t work. I know Josh and I will be okay and manage. We have done just that thus far and God has partnered with us to provide us a strength that we never could imagine. However, the dread of this not working out makes me scared.

Irritation – Ok, God, honestly, I LOVE that you are answering peoples prayers left and right! You got a job! You got pregnant! Baby was healthy! You won a scholarship! You were gifted a car! You found a house! You got the parking spot you needed! You were healed! You got that raise/promotion! God, it’s GREAT that you are hearing all of them, but HELLO! What about us? How come everyone else seems to have their prayers answered but us?

Sorrow – This wait is still hard. It’s still difficult to see families. It’s getting harder and harder to know how long this has gone on for and to still have that ache in my heart. I feel sad as my September due date approaches. I am heavy-hearted as many January due date announcements start to pop up. I want that to be me so badly.

Peace – There is a stillness in my heart that reminds me that no matter what happens, whether this transfer happens or doesn’t, it works or doesn’t, we have children or we don’t, that we will be okay. That God will still be glorified and that our life and story will still be used for His good. We will survive this.

Gratitude – I am surrounded by YOU. The most incredible supporters I could ever imagine. Your prayers are priceless, your encouragement invaluable. To my real life friends and family – your personal interactions with Josh and I, your support, your meals and your love mean so much. To my TTC Instagram friends, you have been an amazing support system in my life. I will likely never meet many or any of you – but not a day goes by that I don’t get a card in the mail with encouragement from you, or tagged in a picture with a verse of encouragement, or have the mailman bring a small care package to my door. You are truly such a blessing to me.

Shame – I still hate that I have bad days. I hate that I have moments when being around kids, even family, is so hard. I feel guilty that I can’t just seem to “get over it” and rest completely in the peace that God has a plan that is better than the one I imagine for myself.

Blame – I know that’s not necessarily an emotion but if it was, I am feeling it. I want to be mad at my acupuncturist. I NEVER had spotting or lining issues before I started acupuncture. Could this be related? Maybe or maybe not, but it feels better to funnel that frustration there.

More gratitude – for so much patience that others have with me. My waves of emotions are difficult for even me to try to carry and process with God. I feel like others must be so sick of hearing about this, and yet, they still listen and care.

Determination – I don’t want to give up. I may have to take a break after this to rebuild some fight but I know that God will honor this desire in my heart SOME WAY because He is the creator that has PUT the desire in my heart. So until that changes, I won’t give up.

Exhaustion – Never knowing what is ahead of me has become tiring. I am so thankful to be held by God in this journey but my heart is tired. I am watching the time tick by, ourselves becoming older. This is tiring.

As you can imagine, my brain is on overdrive. But my hearts prayer is that God remembers us. The Bible demonstrates time and time again, that in the toughest times, in the longest waits, when God calls us towards a path, He will honor it. It may seem like the delay is too great. His silence to our prayers, too long. But He remembers. “But God remembered Noah.” (Genesis 8:1a) He will remember us.

waiting with Him.

July 2, 20138 Comments

Gulp. I really don’t know how so much time passes between blog entries sometimes. I appreciate those of you who scold me and tell me to write. It reminds me that you rely on these to direct your prayers but also, it helps you know how we are doing without feeling like you are constantly asking. So thank you for pestering me to sit down and blog.

Let’s see…today is Josh’s and my 8^th anniversary! It seems like just yesterday we were saying “I do”. Fast forward to today and I continue to feel so blessed and honored to be his wife and to have the marriage that we do. Infertility can do nasty things to marriages and I am so grateful that it has drawn us closer and closer together, reminding us always that our foundation needs to be firmly rooted in HIM. I never thought our journey in life would be as such, but I find so many joys and blessings in these hard times, because it reminds me that these “tough times” bring us closer to God and to each other. We both feel uniquely blessed with our burden of infertility.

I have been through 6 rounds of acupuncture and while I still struggle to relax, have found it to be oddly therapeutic. I have had her dwindle the 45 minutes of “quiet time” down to 20 minutes and now find it possible to actually enjoy the quiet. And … I think it’s working. Which is hard to say because I am/was a little skeptical. But 15 days into shots later … I have YET to have a hot flash OR headache caused by the Lupron. In the IF (infertility) world, many call Lupron the “medicine of the devil” because – well, it seems that way. The side effects are awful but this time, I can honestly say that I have had NO SIDE EFFECTS. Not one. Praise God! I consider it to be a huge answered prayer.

I had a doctor’s appointment on Friday which is what is called a “baseline” appointment. After being on shots for 10 days, they make sure everything is suppressed and quiet and all hormone levels are low. Prayers were answered and everything went perfect during that appointment and we were given the “OK” to start adding new meds to my daily regimen. I did experience my first headache caused from these new hormones on both Saturday night and Sunday night so will talk to my acupuncturist today to see what we can do about those. But otherwise with the exception of a little extra tiredness, I wouldn’t even know I was midst a cycle.

16 days till our transfer. Can you believe it?? July is our month.

The word “hope” keeps coming up a lot lately. It’s a powerful word. Someone recently told me (and I wish I could remember who so I could give them credit!) that we are not called to Hope in what God can or will do for us. We are simply told to Hope in God. Put our hope in HIM, not in His power. Strong words.There are lyrics by Natalie Grant that say “But our hope endures the worst of conditions. It’s more than our optimism.” When I heard that, I had to stop and think. I feel like so often in our Christian walk, we do consider hope to be our optimism in Christ. But it’s so much more than that. I recently read: “The biblical definition of hope is “confident expectation.” Hope is a firm assurance regarding things that are unclear and unknown. The righteous who trust or put their hope in God will be helped, and they will not be confounded, put to shame, or disappointed. The righteous who have this trustful hope in God, have a general confidence in God’s protection and help and are free from fear and anxiety.” Hmm, true hope in God is being confident enough to trust in Him completely, so completely that fear and worry have no place in our heart. Am I truly, fully hoping in Him?

Romans 8:24-25 says this: “We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.” Patience and confidence. Waiting and hope. Key words that affect many of our lives.

In Jesus Calling last month, there was a sentence that stuck out to me: Wait patiently with Me while I bless you. Who caught that key word? With. So often we think He is saying “Wait patiently for Me.” But isn’t it quite the opposite – He is waiting WITH us. And how sad it is that we want to rush through that time of waiting with Him to have our own earthly satisfactions? If you were living in Bethlehem when Jesus was walking on earth and He said, “Come wait with me.”, how amazing would that be? To sit in the presence of God and wait? Anything could be put on hold just to have that time with Him! Well, isn’t it true that we all have that opportunity in our own times of wait? He’s clearly telling us – Not now. It will come. In the meantime, wait patiently with Me. I feel silly that I want to rush through this time. This is the time to be savored! Waiting with Jesus? Nothing could be better. This is the time where we learn the most.

So what’s He saying to you? “Wait patiently with Me while these challenges of life pass.” or “Wait patiently with Me while you wait for a job offer.” Wait patiently with Me as you battle infertility.” Or “Wait patiently with Me as you strive to strengthen your marriage.” “Wait patiently with Me as you deal with financial concerns.” Or “Wait patiently with Me as you battle this disease.” Wait WITH Him. Stop waiting FOR Him. He is already there.

I have a new favorite Bible verse – it’s become the motto of this cycle for me. It’s Micah 7:7: As for me, I look to the Lord for help. I wait confidently for God to save me, and my God will certainly hear me. (NLT) I love the Message version of it too – But me, I’m not giving up. I’m sticking around to see what God will do. I’m waiting for God to make things right. I’m counting on God to listen to me.

We are not giving up. We are confident that God hears us. And in the meantime, we are waiting patiently with Him.

So, major praises are in order that I haven’t ended up on anyone’s lawn yet this cycle. I hope that the minimal side effects continue! I have to thank everyone for the continued love, prayers, packages and support you have offered to Josh and I. Many of you have been on this journey with us a LONG time. In fact, just the other day I saw in my One-Line-a-Day journal that it was (now) over 4 years ago that we had our first infertility appointment at the doctor after TTC for a while unsuccessfully. 4 years of medication, over 4 years of trying. So many friends have met their spouse, gotten married, and had a child or two already in that time frame. It was a shocking reminder of how long this journey has been. And yet, so many of you have stayed faithful in prayer for us during this time and it blesses my heart every single time I think about it. So thank you. Thank you for the continued comments and likes. For following along with us, praying for us, texting me encouragement spontaneously. These “little things” are HUGE things to me.

I will check in sooner next time! Until then ….

renewed hope.

June 19, 201312 Comments

It amazes me how quickly we can pull our eyes off of Him, without even realizing it, and fall into funks! Man! I was overwhelmed (in a GREAT way!) with the amount of comments, messages, IG messages, emails and texts received as soon as I posted my last post. Your words literally made me realize how the devil had taken a hold of my attitude and OF COURSE he would be sneaky enough to pull me down without even realizing it was him. I feel foolish! I know better than that! And yet, just like that “wahhhh wahhhh”. Debbie Downer Chelsea comes out and makes you all depressed too. Sorry peeps! Thanks for pulling me off the ledge, away from the black hole, and bringing me back to the light of HIM and His promise for us.

For anyone in a present day funk, here is a summary and clips of the encouragement I received…written to myself for those days when I need to re-read it. : )

Delay may not mean denial. Keep praying. We can only find abundant living in HIM. Sometimes in order to experience what He has planned for us and our lives, we have to go through the trying times. It teaches us to give thanks in all circumstances. Only HE can provide us the freedom from the worry and desire to plan our lives. God has never removed His hand from our situation. One day, we will look back and see His mighty hand richly moving in our lives. NOTHING can separate us from His love. Infertility never will. In fact, He tells us that in all things, we are more than conquerors! On the days when it seems tough to pray, turn it over to God. Let the Holy Spirit intercede for you. God cares, SO much. Infertility isn’t a curse. It’s a disease brought to the world because it’s a world of sin and sickness, grief and despair. And God mourns with us as well. However, He promises to bring GOOD out of every situation and He will.

“For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.” (Habakkuk 2:3 ESV)

There are so many blessings all around me. I was temporarily blinded by ME and took my eyes off of Him. So, to balance out the depressing blog from last time, I wanted to share with you so many JOYS of the last few weeks! Because when we are in a funk, we need to take our eyes off our funk, off the “horrible terrible no good very bad life” and focus them on ALL that He has given us. Because it reminds us in Philippians 4 to ”Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.” Prayers without thanksgiving are sure a selfish balance!

Let’s see …

Baby Ritchie got its first baby gift ever! A dear friend, Megan, sent this book and man! If you haven’t read it, have some tissues around when you do! (Speaking of Megan, say a prayer for her today as she is having her 2^nd IVF egg retrieval!!) Anyways, it is so sweet and was such a special gift to receive in the mail. I can’t wait to read it to our baby one day!

Two words that brings blissful tears to the eyes – Chicago. Pizza. More specifically Lou Malnati’s. I arrived home a few weeks ago to find this package sitting on my porch. Our friends Candice and Will and their precious baby Liam sent Josh and me two pizzas that were literally eaten within a week. SUCH a special blessing and one the our taste buds will forever be thankful for.

Date nights! It seems like so often in the world of infertility the things that you look forward to all have to do with medical stuff! Doctors appointments! Yeah! First day of a new cycle! Yes! Transfer day! Hurray! So it’s always a lot of fun to do things that are completely non-related to the consuming TTC world. Josh and I got to sneak away to a movie last Friday which was such a blast.

I am also so excited about some plans we have in July! I had been wanting to get away for a night and have some time where Josh and I can just be US. Sneak away from the IVF stuff and celebrate his birthday (turning 31 on July 8^th!) and our anniversary (8 years on July 2^nd!). However, when you are knee deep in infertility bills and costs, it’s really hard to feel like you can spend money on non-medical stuff sometimes. Your brain always kicks into the “what if…” gear and we feel responsible to keep saving in case we need to do a 4^th cycle or for that baby that will eventually come. So in order to get away and still feel like we are being responsible, we decided to collect spare change from around the house and brought it to the bank. We had over $167 worth of change! Yahoo! And we cashed in a few credit card points and are now able to sneak away to a downtown Minneapolis hotel for a night and enjoy a dinner out. We used to go to this hotel for our first few anniversaries and I am excited to go back and have a carefree evening using “free” money. (What I tell myself, haha!).

our 2nd anniversary spent at the hotel :) We were babies!

I had a friend from Instagram also send me this book. (Thanks Allison!) It has been such a wonderful book to read and I highly recommend it!

It’s heirloom tomato season and that makes me very happy. I feel like I have eaten my weight in tomatoes and basil that last few weeks.

I saw a fish in a sink used as a decoration at a restaurant yesterday and that brought on a giggle. It’s these little things!

My sister and I had a wonderful Father’s Day with my dad on Sunday! We got to pack a picnic and head out to Lake Harriet for a fun day. I am so very blessed with such a great supportive, loving dad.

And of course, always thankful for this tiny little silly peanut puppy of mine.

The list could go on and on. I really can’t thank God enough for all I have been blessed with. And even when my heart longs for a child, to expand our family and to use the gift of motherhood that has been placed in my heart, I CAN and will be content in all circumstances … because He is in total control! That fills my heart with peace. When I try to make it all better and rely on myself to sustain me, well, Monday happens.

I started my shots this morning and with it, was filled with JOY and PEACE as I trust in Him. I pray this is the last “first shot” for a long while and am ready to tackle this next month. Our transfer is scheduled for July 18^th – less than a month away!! So exciting! Keep us in your prayers as we travel down a slightly new road with this Frozen Embryo Transfer and all the emotions it can and will stir up.

As I close, I just have to share this clip from an email I just received – not only was it so perfect to read this morning (Thanks Tiffany!) but it is so perfect for so many of us in whatever life is throwing our way….

“So as you begin the shots & FET process today, please remember that God knows what He’s doing, even on days when we think He doesn’t or maybe he’s got you confused with someone else’s plan. He does, we’re just scared for our own hearts, once bitten twice shy, so to say. All I know is that He sees, and so do we, that while you’re afraid, you still stick your hand back out there bite or no bite, you show up and do your part. God is faithful, He will meet you half way.”

He is meeting us all. We gotta keep on trusting, walking, and obeying. And He will be there for us throughout all of it! My heart is at peace.

in a funk.

June 17, 201326 Comments

My emotions have felt a little off this last week. As our FET gets closer and closer, I should be getting more and more excited, right? Instead, I feel like this time off has given me too much time to think, analyze, think some more. Someone told me with such joy the other day that “this will be it!” and it made me want to laugh in their face. I’m afraid this last week I have become a bit of a skeptic. I read a section from a book the other day and felt exactly like the TTC author:

“Before I could get away my friend patted me on the shoulder. “My husband and I are believing God for a miracle for you. You never know. Maybe you’ll be a modern day Sarah.” I suppressed an irritated response. How many times had I heard that? More than I could count. I was sick of it. Sick of Sarah, sick of begging God for a baby, sick of being told to just have faith…” (Empty Womb, Aching Heart)

It felt a little too close to home. I am not angry, I am just tired of it all. I am frustrated that we have to do this again. I am scared that the outcome will be the same as the others. I keep seeing families around me getting older, adding new members and I feel old. I never ever pictured hitting my 8 year anniversary in July without a family full of children. I feel as if this journey has aged me. This next cycle feels like I am buying a lottery card. I HOPE I will win the jackpot but I don’t actually BELIEVE it will happen. I no longer can picture myself pregnant, no longer can visual our baby nursery and the thought of thinking up cute baby names makes me irritated and sad now as so many get taken by fertile friends.

I feel like I have become so used to things not working out, that the thought that they might actually work out seems preposterous. Confession – I actually rolled my eyes while praying the other night about getting pregnant. It was an unintentional act that appalled me as soon as it happened. Where did my faith go? How come my heart has become so cautiously skeptical?

I keep having these awful dreams where I find out I am 6 weeks pregnant and in my dream, go into self sabotage mode to do everything I can to cause a miscarriage. In my dream I am certain it will happen and want to spare myself the pain of bonding with the baby and having it catch me off guard, as the bleeding always has. They are horrible and I wake up abruptly, sad and scared. Why is it that even my subconscious is prepared for the worst, but never the best? Where did my dreams go where I am holding my baby? Changing diapers and playing outside with diapered children? At a baby shower that is actually MINE? It feels like I can’t escape.

It seems my heart has settled on that fact that maybe this isn’t in the cards for me. And I hate that. I am clinging onto the hope of having a child, but I want the belief that it can happen to come back. I am starting shots again this Wednesday and want to be excited at this chance and opportunity to have a child, not dreading going through the painful motions to only end up empty again.

In life, we go through seasons of doubt and fear, hope and joy. It does bring me comfort just scrolling through this blog to remind myself I have been in this place before. A place of neutrality. A place where I am feeling desperate. And a little lost to be honest.

I continue to cry out to God and wrestle with Him for the answers that my heart is searching for. I have to turn over that fear, doubt, frustration, sadness, hurt and pain to Him. As a devotional stated, “It’s better to shout at Him than to be silent, better to call him unkind than not to call on Him at all.” It’s so true and I am thankful He is willing to listen.

It’s comforting to be in a place where I am reminded that God doesn’t expect me to love my infertility or be happy about this journey. It isn’t my place to compare what God has done for others with what He has done, will do or could do for me. I have to remember that my life’s purpose may be different than yours and trust that it’s all part of a larger picture, a puzzle that He can see the final result of. All He asks, is that when I have my days, or in this case, my week, that I bring it to Him. That I am honest with my doubt and frustrations because, well, He knows anyways.

It’s not easy. I keep seeing these miracles happening to all of those around me and I can’t help but wonder “Why not me?”. Why do they get another baby, when I am just asking for one? I feel weary. Which is when Matthew 11:28 comes to mind and sits on my heart: “Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”

This isn’t something I need to handle on my own. It isn’t a battle that I am left alone to fight. Infertility feels consuming, but only if I let it consume me. If I take my eyes off of the One that should be consuming me, then I have lost all perspective.

So I keep fighting. I keep praying. I keep begging. I don’t know what this next month will bring, but I can only trust that if God has brought Josh and me to this path, then He will walk with us along it. That we will not be burned. That He will never leave us.

So I turn to you – my dear friends and faithful readers – asking for prayer as well. Prayers that my heart will be softened to believe that this is possible. That the dreams will go away. That the start of the shots in 2 days brings excitement for our potential blessing opposed to indifference. I could use a little encouragement. Not the “well, my friends neighbors cousins didn’t even have FALLOPIAN TUBES and she got pregnant so if she could, you can!” kind of encouragement. But I need cheerleaders – scripture, words of hope and promise, anything to re-energize me for round 3. I need a little caffeine boost to my heart.

acu-whatttt?

June 4, 2013June 6, 201325 Comments

First of all, THANK YOU for all the love and support that came from my last post. I was astonished by the amount of times it was shared, read and how many messages I received as a result. I had so many great conversations about other areas that people struggle in – women that complain about their body image when another would love that figure, or complaining about their spouse when others would love a spouse. Overall the message was received that we have to be extra cautious in a world filled with sin, where complaining comes naturally, NOT to turn our blessings into burdens. Whatever that they may be. The conversations had were excellent reminders to me that I am guilty of complaining about things that are blessings and it’s helped me put life’s “challenges” into perspective. Another conversation reminded me that we are called to carry each other’s burdens as Christians and the beautiful thing about that is that usually, we can pick our audience. Anyways, thanks for all the love and support! Meant so much!

So with that said ….

In the world of IVF, after a failed cycle, you have what is lovingly termed a “WTF” appointment with your doctor. You know, the What the fickle-doo happened!? talk. You basically fire off questions on WHAT HAPPENED!? Why am I not pregnant?! while your doctor patiently answers and re-answers the variations of the same question. I was able to have this conversation with Dr. C a few weeks ago and wanted to pass off some of the answers I was given, as many of you are asking these great questions to me! (I’ll summarize in a Q & A format and just include the highlights as to not bore you.)

Q: Are you concerned with my egg quality or has this just been bad luck?

A: I am not concerned about your egg quality. I really just think it’s been bad luck. The fact that you had blasts to freeze both cycles is great news and many don’t have that. But truly, everything else looks good. All other tests have come back really positive and I don’t see any reason to have concerns that this won’t happen for you.

Q: We were never told the percentage chance of pregnancy on transfer day. What was our percentage going into this last round?

A: With two morulas, grade B, it was only 30-35%. We tend not to share that unless asked as we don’t want to discourage our patients. (My note – I am glad I didn’t know that! We were told it would be higher at the start of the cycle but based on what was transferred, was much lower than anticipated.)

Q: And what would be our percentage this time with an FET and the frozen embryos we intend to transfer?

A: Your frozen embryos are all grade B’s. With your age and the quality of embryos, I would give you at least 45% but likely much closer to 55%. At least.

Q: How does the thawing process work?

A: We thaw one at a time. We have an 85-90% thaw success rate and all 3 of your embryos are very strong. I wouldn’t be concerned that they don’t make the thaw. I recommend you transfer 2 again and we start by thawing the best embryos in order until we have your 2 thawed and ready for transfer.

Q: So tell me more about the FET protocol.

A: You would start with being on BCP (birth control pills) for about a month and then move to Lupron shots each day to ensure your ovaries are quiet. Then, instead of stimulating your ovaries, we simply need to stimulation your lining to make it ready for a transfer. We do this with careful monitoring and a few weeks of the estrogen pills and progesterone shots. You had great lining both times so I am not concerned that this will be an issue for you.

Q: Is there anything differently that I could do to make this more successful? A different diet? Weight loss? Acupuncture?

A: Your BMI is at a healthy level and of course we encourage all patients to have a healthy balanced diet. I have no concerns with you whatsoever. With acupuncture, there is absolutely no harm done and we have seen it to be very successful. We have a few acupuncturists that come in to do pre-and post transfer acupuncture sessions on patients in the clinic the day of the transfer. There is no reason I would suggest not doing it and many patients find it to be very helpful with their stress levels, as well as it does increase blood flow to the uterus.

Q: Anything else?

A: I have no reason to believe this won’t work for you. With many PCOS patients, we see a few cycles being common but we have high success rates with patients just like you. You have no male factor and only an ovulatory issue. I truly have no reason to doubt that you won’t have success.

So after that conversation, Josh and I both feel hopeful for this next step. I know that in the end, only GOD can make this work. And He already knows the outcome of this next leg in our journey. At times, I find myself completely filled with hope for whatever comes our way. Other times (usually between 2 am and 4 am), I find myself completely lost in a world of worry, fearful that this fight will never end. It’s usually in those moments where I think of Job. Our story is so far away from Job’s – sure, there are precious things we loved and lost, but some days I feel like I am walking this tightrope where I can’t bear to think about God allowing Satan to test us any further, remove anything from our lives, destroy what we care about. Would we get through it, with a love still shining for Him? Yes, I truly believe so. I just don’t know if I have the strength for that test. My mind will race – what will it be? Will something happen to Cali? My precious fur baby that brings me so much happiness? Will it be Josh’s job? Will it be the death of a close family member? Will it be a life-threatening diagnosis (or re-diagnosis) of someone we love?

In Jr. High and High School, we would travel with our youth group to conferences where at the end, me, an emotional charged teenager would stand, arms raised to the sky and cry out to God to “send anything my way!” Prove me, O Lord, and try me; test my heart and my mind. (Psalm 26:2). Now, I find my heart pleading Oh God, no more! Please stop testing me! No more trying! Give me a chance to catch up. It’s not that I don’t think I could handle it. If anything, this whole journey reminds me that my strength is not my own, and I know that God’s strength in me could handle anything. I’m just tired. I don’t want to be tried or tested anymore. I just want my miracle.

As we prepare for this FET cycle, I have decided to give acupuncture a try. I mean, there is no harm per my doctor and I have several TTC-er friends who swear by it. I was uncertain, still am. But with an open mind I ventured to my first appointment last week.

Acupuncture is a type of Chinese medication that uses carefully placed thin needles into certain points of the body to increase blood flow and stimulate parts of your body. It seems bizarre, but again, with no harm and studies showing it does lead to slightly higher success rates, I am willing to try it! (A recent study had 2 groups of 80 women undergoing IVF. One set was given weekly acupuncture and 34 of those women got pregnant, opposed to 21 in the IVF-only group.)

Unsure and somewhat skeptical, I called an acupuncturist, Lauren, that my doctor highly recommended and made my first appointment. She specializes solely in fertility acupuncture and from the first phone call, we clicked. I ventured to the clinic last week (dressed in comfy clothes as instructed.) As I entered the partial basement clinic in Uptown, I was a little hesitant. As I sat in the waiting room that smelled like dirt (because of all the herbal medications surrounding me, a frequently used type of treatment for those not undergoing IVF), I was concerned. As I listened to the littlest water fountain splash tiny drops of water over its edge onto the pebbles below, I had to go to the bathroom. (Not really, but they really should get a bigger water fountain.) It certainly was a little bizarre but I kept reminding myself if my highly paid doctor was suggesting this and her, I didn’t have too much to be concerned about. I met with Lauren and we went over EVERYTHING. We looked at my chart and talked about my history start to end. It was much more therapeutic than I imagined! She knew what questions to ask, empathized during tough stages in our journey and was incredibly perceptive with asking follow up questions that would tie things together. After about an hour and a half, she told me a little about what to expect. “A typical needle sensation may have a brief burning sensation immediately around the insert location but will be brief. Most you shouldn’t be able to feel. Let me know if any cause pain.” I laid on a table, similar to a massage table, on my back, and she asked me to pull my leggings up over my knee caps and pull my shirt up a bit to expose my tummy. She alcohol swabbed several areas and then quickly and simply began to place these tiny needles into me. A few in my shins and knees, 1 in each foot, ear and hand, 1 in my head and 1 between my eyes and a few in my tummy. At this point, I was really perplexed. Truthfully, I wasn’t in any pain. I felt 1 or 2 of them in my knees but otherwise I felt nothing. It was SO bizarre. Just as quickly as she inserted the needles, she turned on some relaxing music, put a few heat lamps over me, set a doorbell under my fingertips to call if needed and turned off the lights and left. “Now I will give you time to relax. Many clients sleep.” and poof! The door shut and I was left laying on a table in a lookout basement in Uptown covered with needles in the dark.

That’s when the insanity of all this kicked in.

What am I DOING?! I am laying on a table with needles all over me? What if I roll off? What if I stab my brain with a needle if I twitch really bad and roll? (Unlikely, I know, but still a valid concern at the moment). Did I feel a needle pinch? OUCH YES! That hurts! Wait, no it doesn’t. I don’t feel it anymore. Ummm, what kind of cd is it? Waves? Or fountains trickling? Hehe. I’m glad I don’t have to go to the bathroom. I’m bored. I have needles in me. This is weird. How do people relax? And sleep? I barely sleep at night in bed after laying there for 5 hours with several pillows! Wait, do I have to go to the bathroom? She said she will be back in 30 minutes. I am going to go insane. Insane. In-sane. Bane. Bane like the guy in Batman. That was a good movie. Ohhh like Dark Knight. Awww, Heath Ledger. That was so sad. OUCH! My ear. Wait, it’s gone. Sighhhhhh….

Then it all went blurry.

“Hi Chelsea, I’m back. How was your rest?”

WHHHHHAAATTTTTT????

I fell asleep.

I have NO idea how it happened. My heart was racing so fast and I was so confused for a minute (or 10) wondering how the heck that happened. I fell asleep. One minute I was re-mourning over the loss of Heath Ledger and worrying about Matilda (his daughter) and the next, I was being woken up with lights being turned back on and needles being swiftly pulled from my flesh.

I have no idea.

I wish I could tell you what happened in that 28 minutes. I stumbled to my car wondering if she drugged me with needles. I felt rested and great. Just sooo perplexed and I still don’t know what to think.

I had my second appointment today and while I didn’t fall asleep this time, I was relaxed again (I think?). I don’t feel any different, but I just don’t know what to think at this point. Only time will tell!

Shots start in 2 weeks! Can’t believe we are here again. But I am ready and generally feel hopeful. At the end of the day, we trust in a God that cares and is the sole provider of our joy. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have difficult moments, but it means that when they come, I turn them over to Him with a trust that He is in control.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” (1 Peter 5:7-10)

complaining.

May 31, 2013May 31, 201333 Comments

Ahhh, I feel like I am sitting down to write a controversial blog post today. I have been thinking and praying over this topic for a while because it’s not one where I want to offend anyone. And I don’t want to come across bitter, because I’m not. I started this blog with a vision of being able to speak for women struggling with infertility. And lately, after many conversations with others in my place, have realized that this is a topic that I would do my best to prayerfully, lovingly approach – the topic of pregnant women complaining.

Gulp.

Here is what I want to say before I go any further. I have several friends who are pregnant – both in real life and in the lovely social media world. Ones that have struggled to conceive and others where it came more easily. I am genuinely so happy for each and every one of them, as being in my place, I recognize the incredible blessing that pregnancy is. This post is not meant to make anyone feel bad, or create any anger. I am not looking for a “BUT I HAVE THE RIGHT TO COMPLAIN! IT’S A FREE COUNTRY!!” response. Well, I mean you can, but I will politely ignore it. (And you.) The purpose of this is simply to explain how the complaining makes us (TTC’ers and those that lost a baby) feel. You – pregnant mama reading this getting angry already – can chose to respond kindly to our feelings and acknowledge them or not to and you are welcome at any time to close this blog entry if this is a sensitive topic for you.

With all of that said – here is the thing, more and more often recently have I come across friends complaining about their pregnancies and each and every time it stings. It hurts that something that I would do ANYTHING for is something that is so “miserable and unbearable” – for a max of 9 months. I want to celebrate your blessing with you! But when you start changing the balance of acknowledging that you are the recipient of a GOD GIVEN blessing and spend more time complaining about your back, your feet, the fact that you have to be on bed rest, how hot you are or how sick you feel, it makes me not want to celebrate your blessing. Because I wonder if you really understand the amazing gift that you have been given. And it hurts. Because I want nothing more than my back to hurt, my hips to ache, to feel a hot flash that isn’t a result of 5 shots that day but because I am growing a baby inside me.

Granted, I will empathize with you when you complain respectfully. Occasional complaining is ok! It’s how you feel and I am so thankful for my pregnant friends who follow it up with “…but I am thankful for every time I throw up, because that means my baby is healthy.” I adore the Instagram pictures of swollen cankles with the captions “Love my cankles … because it means I am pregnant!!” Thank you for acknowledging that regardless of the hellish symptoms, you have a baby. I love my friends who get put on hospital bedrest and cheer that they are keeping their babies in and healthy and would do anything for them. THANK YOU! Thank you to the pregnant women who remember women like me when they are getting up 10 times a night to pee. I would give my left arm to pee that much because of a baby pushing on my bladder. I laughed at a friend the other day who complained after eating that she felt so full. I felt full looking at her! But she did it with a laugh and has been nothing but graceful and caring and constantly acknowledging of her blessing this entire pregnancy. To the women like you, I will chuckle and get you a glass of water (and tums) because I DO care that you are having a hard day.

Here’s the thing – if I knew that you were living in your parents basement and wanted a house of your own so badly, how would it make you feel if I wrote a Facebook status that said “Ohmygosh, I am SOOO tired of dusting my 3,000 square foot house! What a pain this is! Oh the miseries of owning a home.” Or if you were struggling with money, barely making the bills and had everyone praying for you to find a job, and I posted something on Instagram that said “Ohhh, my arms are SO tired from holding my purse with all this money!! Woe is me!” It just doesn’t make sense right? It’s not something that we think to do! Unfortunately I feel like it has become too socially acceptable to complain about certain blessings that God has given us – at the expense of others who haven’t been given that same blessing.

I am open with our journey and others know the pain we have faced and are facing. But you know what, I am 1 in 8. 1 in 8 women who are in a situation where they are struggling to conceive. I talk to women EVERYDAY who are struggling and do not share with anyone except a few family and friends. That means that you DO have people struggling that you don’t know about. I am speaking for them. If you have 300 Facebook friends, that means that with every “Good lord, I hate being on bedrest, I am missing out on SUMMER!” post you write, you are hurting about 37 people’s feelings. Not just hurting their feelings … putting a dagger into their heart as they recall the pain of sitting on the toilet bleeding as they lose their baby; or crying on the side of the bed as the pregnancy test shows the painful one-lined result; or passing a due date or getting that first scary doctor call telling them their husband has an extremely low sperm count. It hurts. It makes me struggling with confusion so badly with how people could be so blessed and not acknowledge it.

Moms, I know how hard the morning sickness is. I empathize with how hot you feel and how bored you are laying on the couch for a few weeks. Don’t forget I have experienced so many of these side effects as a result of going through several years of medications and 2 hard IVF cycles. It’s NOT easy! But if I could find reasons to praise God for even blessing me with the CHANCE to have a baby as I cling the toilet bowl in the morning, I beg you to find the silver lining blessings in your situations.

And to those women who sat in my shoes and struggled with TTC and now are the ones complaining – shame on you. You know how this feels. You cried the same tears 7 months ago when others complained about being pregnant, reminding them how badly you wanted to be in their place. Don’t forget that emotion. Don’t forget that you prayed for this baby and wanted it. Savor every single trip to the bathroom, every single hot flash and every ache and pain – knowing that you are going through 280 days of misery in order to be blessed with a child for the rest of your life.

Now, to those who are still shaking their head muttering about their right to complain – go ahead and complain. I can (and will) block you from my newsfeed and unfollow you on IG. I will return your calls less and less if that’s what you are going to choose to talk about. Just as you as the right to complain, I too have the right to stop being a part of your life. And I would hate that. I would hate that friendships would suffer at the cost of you simply acknowledging and being thankful for your blessing. Know your audience, I beg you.

There – I said it. And please, friends that are pregnant, so many of you have complained gracefully and it doesn’t bother me. But to those who feel the need to moan all the time. Stop it. Please. My and my TTC friends are begging you. And please understand, I am not bitter. I truly am so happy for you and your blessing. I just ache sometimes as a result of flippancy. We get it. We know you are pregnant.

Now – on to happier things! Josh and I are doing really well. I feel really grateful that we have been surrounded with so much support and love as we dealt with the reality of our BFN (big fat negative.) We are excited to be moving forward with our FET (frozen embryo transfer). We meet with our nurse consultant next Wednesday to get our final prescriptions, sign and sign and sign some papers, and finalize the cycle. I have so much to more to share about a great conversation with our doctor and answer many of the questions that you guys have been asking me about “why is this happening?” and “what are your chances now?”. I will save that for another post in the next couple days – as well as fill you in on my first fertility acupuncture appointment. (Funny story, I promise.)

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend! Thanks for being the rockstar supporters that you are. :)

angel baby siblings.

May 20, 201316 Comments

My prayer this whole cycle was that no matter what, God would be glorified. I was telling a friend the other day, it can happen in one of two ways. One, He would work a miracle in this cycle and we would have success and become pregnant. Two, the cycle would not work and we would have the opportunity to stay strong and praise Him in the storm.

It looks like we will be praising Him in the storm.

I woke up in the middle of the night on Thursday singing a song by Gungor. I found it strange that I hadn’t listened to the song recently and yet I couldn’t stop singing it as I lay awake. I couldn’t even remember all the right words in the right order so my head just sang on repeat “Please be my strength, Please be my strength, I don’t have any more, I don’t have any more. I pray your glory shines in this doubting heart of mine and all would know that You, You are my strength.”

And I couldn’t help but think “uh oh.” I was 5 days past a 5 day transfer (5dp5dt). Implantation, should it have happened, should have finished the majority of it the day before. I was now officially in the I-can’t-do-anything-now waiting game. So why was my heart pre-pleading for strength? I kept singing it until I fell back asleep, and then woke to the slighted bit of brown blood. A tiny amount. One that is enough to make you instantly a little frightened, then remember that brown blood is good, red blood is bad. I laid back down and prayed. My heart kept repeating “please be my strength.” And even though this symptom could have been a really good sign, I believe my heart was letting me know I was going to need strength.

The bleeding increased on Friday, turning to red around 3:00. I called my doctor who tried to reassure me that this could be normal. That some women bleed throughout their pregnancy and 6dp5dt was too early to have a period. It could be irritations from some of the medications I was on, it could have been a late implantation, it could have been some sort of small hemorrhage or a variety of other things. But as my head played on “Please be my strength, I don’t have anymore…”, I think a small part of me knew. I was put back on semi-strict bedrest and she said the bleeding should not get any heavier and would soon go away. Josh and I prayed, we plead. My head couldn’t come up with many words so I laid there in His sweet silence.

Saturday morning I woke up to my first clot and then the bleeding began to increase, nearly as bad as my miscarriage. And we just knew. We tried to pretend like “this could be a good thing”. We went about our day, me on the couch and Josh helping out around the house. My head could not come up with the right words to pray. I listened to Kari Jobe’s “Find You On My Knees” on repeat – my heart praying “Weary just won’t let me rest and fear is filling up my head. I’m longing, God, I’m longing for You. But I will find You in the place I’m in. Find You when I’m at my end. Find You when there’s nothing left of me to offer You except for brokenness. You lift me up, You never leave me thirsty. When I am weak, when I am lost and searching, I find You on my knees. So what if sorrow shakes my faith, what if heartache still remains. I’ll trust You, My God, I’ll trust You ‘cause You are faithful.”

We broke down and tested, proving the reality we already knew. Not pregnant. A deafening stark white space where a pink line should have been. We had a difficult night. We cried. We let a few people know who texted such encouragingly kind messages and had been praying so hard for a miracle. We grieved. My head couldn’t stop thinking about another due date I would have to live through without my babies. September 2^nd and now January 27^th. It aches. I pulled our embryo pictures off the fridge. I kept looking at Josh as we sat in our dark room thinking “You should be a daddy. This isn’t fair. You will be such a good Daddy.” I could barely open my mouth to speak and when I did, I think I just could get out “This sucks. I don’t know why.”

It’s amazing how much we felt comforted so immediately. There was an overwhelming sadness of course, but also a strength that only could come from Him. It was a welcome change from the long-term sorrow we felt after last cycle. God IS still good. Your prayers weren’t in vain. We immediately began looking at all of our blessings – just in life in general and from this cycle. We got 2 beautiful frozen embryos from this cycle. I didn’t end up in the ER this cycle. I managed to bounce back from my fluid-filled ovaries quicker than last time.I got to experience my first Mother’s Day as a mom. I didn’t have to wait longer and sit in hope – a typically period shouldn’t start till at least 10 or 11 days past the transfer – I was 4-5 days early! We were spared a positive pregnancy test that could have resulted in a miscarriage. We felt like we had received the biggest gift of GRACE by starting my period as early as it did.

So now we pack away the baby items taken out. We breathe deep. We sit in His presence and we sing the words of a Matt Redman song (Never Once): “Scars and struggles on the way but with joy our hearts can say, Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did You leave us on our own. You are faithful, God, You are faithful.”

I had bloodwork done this morning and while driving, played my lovely game of song-on-the-radio roulette. You know, that one where whatever is playing was MEANT for you. (I am a big fan of this game as you know from other blog entries).

Fergie: Cuz bigggg girls don’t cry…. (Lies Fergie, I am a big girl and I cry. Stupid song.)

Mumford and Sons: And I will wait, I will wait for you. And I will wait, I will wait for you… (I WILL wait for you little babies. Mama’s gonna wait as long as it takes …)

Kristian Stanfill: Promise maker, Promise Keeper, You finish what You begin … You see it through ’til the end. The Lord our God is ever faithful, never changing through the ages. From this darkness You will lead us and forever we will say You’re the Lord our God. In the silence, in the waiting, still we can know You are good. All Your plans are for Your glory. (Ok, maybe a few tears with this song. He will finish what He began and will see our through this.)

Pearl Jam

(Authors note – there were A LOT Of commercials on the radio so clearly I was just flipping around. Hence the fun of roulette).

Pearl Jam: Oh where, oh where, can my baby be? The Lord took her away from me. She’s gone to heaven, so I’ve got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world. (This one caught me off guard. It was a favorite when I was younger (the 1960’s version) and suddenly, without realizing it, I was singing it to my little baby. Was one of them a girl? She is in heaven and I get to see her again when I leave this world. Ok, more tears.)

John Waller: I’m waiting, I’m waiting on You, Lord. And I am hopeful, I’m waiting on You, Lord. Though it is painful, but patiently, I will wait. (More waiting. Seems to be the story of our life. But I will do so, with patience in the pain.)

I felt like Radio Roulette was a therapeutic success today. I was able to speak to my doctor this afternoon to discuss our next steps – transferring 2 of those frostie little babies into my warm and clearly undesirable womb. (Perhaps it needs a little Property Brothers renovation. Huh? No? Dang, I have clearly been watching too much HGTV while on bedrest). The conversation was so helpful in understanding some “why’s” and I feel relieved to know we have great potential for this Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). I actually will be starting medication tonight to get this next cycle underway and will blog more details about it in the future. The next transfer date will be July 18th. 58 days away.

My prayers are this – that our strength will continue to come from Him. That our family members that loved these grandchildren, nieces/nephews, cousins and playmates would have peace and healing from this disappointment as well. That non-believers reading this blog would not doubt God’s goodness. That our next steps would be blessed.

My husband is amazing. He is my rock and my physical here-on-earth support that I would be lost without. Never once has he altered in his faith and positivity. I literally could not go through this without him. I love you honey.

In the words of NeedtoBreathe – I am down on my knees, I’m waiting for something beautiful. And so we will wait a little longer. Until God changes our hearts desires, we will press on. We have 3 little snow babies left. God, please let one of them be our hold-in-our-arms baby.

THANK YOU to so many friends and family who brought over meals this last week. Each one was SO delicious and was a HUGE blessing. I think food is my love language. :)