Category: Miscarriage

complaining.

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Ahhh, I feel like I am sitting down to write a controversial blog post today. I have been thinking and praying over this topic for a while because it’s not one where I want to offend anyone. And I don’t want to come across bitter, because I’m not. I started this blog with a vision of being able to speak for women struggling with infertility. And lately, after many conversations with others in my place, have realized that this is a topic that I would do my best to prayerfully, lovingly approach – the topic of pregnant women complaining.

Gulp.

Here is what I want to say before I go any further. I have several friends who are pregnant – both in real life and in the lovely social media world. Ones that have struggled to conceive and others where it came more easily. I am genuinely so happy for each and every one of them, as being in my place, I recognize the incredible blessing that pregnancy is. This post is not meant to make anyone feel bad, or create any anger. I am not looking for a “BUT I HAVE THE RIGHT TO COMPLAIN! IT’S A FREE COUNTRY!!” response. Well, I mean you can, but I will politely ignore it. (And you.) The purpose of this is simply to explain how the complaining makes us (TTC’ers and those that lost a baby) feel. You – pregnant mama reading this getting angry already – can chose to respond kindly to our feelings and acknowledge them or not to and you are welcome at any time to close this blog entry if this is a sensitive topic for you.

With all of that said – here is the thing, more and more  often recently have I come across friends complaining about their pregnancies and each and every time it stings. It hurts that something that I would do ANYTHING for is something that is so “miserable and unbearable” – for a max of 9 months. I want to celebrate your blessing with you! But when you start changing the balance of acknowledging that you are the recipient of a GOD GIVEN blessing and spend more time complaining about your back, your feet, the fact that you have to be on bed rest, how hot you are or how sick you feel, it makes me not want to celebrate your blessing. Because I wonder if you really understand the amazing gift that you have been given. And it hurts. Because I want nothing more than my back to hurt, my hips to ache, to feel a hot flash that isn’t a result of 5 shots that day but because I am growing a baby inside me.

Granted, I will empathize with you when you complain respectfully. Occasional complaining is ok! It’s how you feel and I am so thankful for my pregnant friends who follow it up with “…but I am thankful for every time I throw up, because that means my baby is healthy.” I adore the Instagram pictures of swollen cankles with the captions “Love my cankles … because it means I am pregnant!!” Thank you for acknowledging that regardless of the hellish symptoms, you have a baby. I love my friends who get put on hospital bedrest and cheer that they are keeping their babies in and healthy and would do anything for them. THANK YOU! Thank you to the pregnant women who remember women like me when they are getting up 10 times a night to pee. I would give my left arm to pee that much because of a baby pushing on my bladder. I laughed at a friend the other day who complained after eating that she felt so full. I felt full looking at her! But she did it with a laugh and has been nothing but graceful and caring and constantly acknowledging of her blessing this entire pregnancy. To the women like you, I will chuckle and get you a glass of water (and tums) because I DO care that you are having a hard day.

Here’s the thing – if I knew that you were living in your parents basement and wanted a house of your own so badly, how would it make you feel if I wrote a Facebook status that said “Ohmygosh, I am SOOO tired of dusting my 3,000 square foot house! What a pain this is! Oh the miseries of owning a home.” Or if you were struggling with money, barely making the bills and had everyone praying for you to find a job, and I posted something on Instagram that said “Ohhh, my arms are SO tired from holding my purse with all this money!! Woe is me!” It just doesn’t make sense right? It’s not something that we think to do! Unfortunately I feel like it has become too socially acceptable to complain about certain blessings that God has given us – at the expense of others who haven’t been given that same blessing.

I am open with our journey and others know the pain we have faced and are facing. But you know what, I am 1 in 8. 1 in 8 women who are in a situation where they are struggling to conceive. I talk to women EVERYDAY who are struggling and do not share with anyone except a few family and friends. That means that you DO have people struggling that you don’t know about. I am speaking for them. If you have 300 Facebook friends, that means that with every “Good lord, I hate being on bedrest, I am missing out on SUMMER!” post you write, you are hurting about 37 people’s feelings. Not just hurting their feelings … putting a dagger into their heart as they recall the pain of sitting on the toilet bleeding as they lose their baby; or crying on the side of the bed as the pregnancy test shows the painful one-lined result; or passing a due date or getting that first scary doctor call telling them their husband has an extremely low sperm count. It hurts. It makes me struggling with confusion so badly with how people could be so blessed and not acknowledge it.

Moms, I know how hard the morning sickness is. I empathize with how hot you feel and how bored you are laying on the couch for a few weeks. Don’t forget I have experienced so many of these side effects as a result of going through several years of medications and 2 hard IVF cycles. It’s NOT easy! But if I could find reasons to praise God for even blessing me with the CHANCE to have a baby as I cling the toilet bowl in the morning, I beg you to find the silver lining blessings in your situations.

And to those women who sat in my shoes and struggled with TTC and now are the ones complaining – shame on you. You know how this feels. You cried the same tears 7 months ago when others complained about being pregnant, reminding them how badly you wanted to be in their place. Don’t forget that emotion. Don’t forget that you prayed for this baby and wanted it. Savor every single trip to the bathroom, every single hot flash and every ache and pain – knowing that you are going through 280 days of misery in order to be blessed with a child for the rest of your life.

Now, to those who are still shaking their head muttering about their right to complain – go ahead and complain. I can (and will) block you from my newsfeed and unfollow you on IG. I will return your calls less and less if that’s what you are going to choose to talk about. Just as you as the right to complain, I too have the right to stop being a part of your life. And I would hate that. I would hate that friendships would suffer at the cost of you simply acknowledging and being thankful for your blessing. Know your audience, I beg you.

There – I said it. And please, friends that are pregnant, so many of you have complained gracefully and it doesn’t bother me. But to those who feel the need to moan all the time. Stop it. Please. My and my TTC friends are begging you. And please understand, I am not bitter. I truly am so happy for you and your blessing. I just ache sometimes as a result of flippancy. We get it. We know you are pregnant.

Now – on to happier things! Josh and I are doing really well. I feel really grateful that we have been surrounded with so much support and love as we dealt with the reality of our BFN (big fat negative.) We are excited to be moving forward with our FET (frozen embryo transfer). We meet with our nurse consultant next Wednesday to get our final prescriptions, sign and sign and sign some papers, and finalize the cycle. I have so much to more to share about a great conversation with our doctor and answer many of the questions that you guys have been asking me about “why is this happening?” and “what are your chances now?”. I will save that for another post in the next couple days – as well as fill you in on my first fertility acupuncture appointment. (Funny story, I promise.)

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend! Thanks for being the rockstar supporters that you are. :)

angel baby siblings.

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My prayer this whole cycle was that no matter what, God would be glorified. I was telling a friend the other day, it can happen in one of two ways. One, He would work a miracle in this cycle and we would have success and become pregnant. Two, the cycle would not work and we would have the opportunity to stay strong and praise Him in the storm.

It looks like we will be praising Him in the storm.

I woke up in the middle of the night on Thursday singing a song by Gungor. I found it strange that I hadn’t listened to the song recently and yet I couldn’t stop singing it as I lay awake. I couldn’t even remember all the right words in the right order so my head just sang on repeat “Please be my strength, Please be my strength, I don’t have any more, I don’t have any more. I pray your glory shines in this doubting heart of mine and all would know that You, You are my strength.”

And I couldn’t help but think “uh oh.” I was 5 days past a 5 day transfer (5dp5dt). Implantation, should it have happened, should have finished the majority of it the day before. I was now officially in the I-can’t-do-anything-now waiting game. So why was my heart pre-pleading for strength? I kept singing it until I fell back asleep, and then woke to the slighted bit of brown blood. A tiny amount. One that is enough to make you instantly a little frightened, then remember that brown blood is good, red blood is bad. I laid back down and prayed. My heart kept repeating “please be my strength.” And even though this symptom could have been a really good sign, I believe my heart was letting me know I was going to need strength.

The bleeding increased on Friday, turning to red around 3:00. I called my doctor who tried to reassure me that this could be normal. That some women bleed throughout their pregnancy and 6dp5dt was too early to have a period. It could be irritations from some of the medications I was on, it could have been a late implantation, it could have been some sort of small hemorrhage or a variety of other things. But as my head played on “Please be my strength, I don’t have anymore…”, I think a small part of me knew. I was put back on semi-strict bedrest and she said the bleeding should not get any heavier and would soon go away. Josh and I prayed, we plead. My head couldn’t come up with many words so I laid there in His sweet silence.

Saturday morning I woke up to my first clot and then the bleeding began to increase, nearly as bad as my miscarriage. And we just knew. We tried to pretend like “this could be a good thing”. We went about our day, me on the couch and Josh helping out around the house. My head could not come up with the right words to pray. I listened to Kari Jobe’s “Find You On My Knees” on repeat – my heart praying “Weary just won’t let me rest and fear is filling up my head. I’m longing, God, I’m longing for You. But I will find You in the place I’m in. Find You when I’m at my end. Find You when there’s nothing left of me to offer You except for brokenness. You lift me up, You never leave me thirsty. When I am weak, when I am lost and searching, I find You on my knees. So what if sorrow shakes my faith, what if heartache still remains. I’ll trust You, My God, I’ll trust You ‘cause You are faithful.”

We broke down and tested, proving the reality we already knew. Not pregnant. A deafening stark white space where a pink line should have been.  We had a difficult night. We cried. We let a few people know who texted such encouragingly kind messages and had been praying so hard for a miracle. We grieved. My head couldn’t stop thinking about another due date I would have to live through without my babies. September 2nd and now January 27th. It aches. I pulled our embryo pictures off the fridge. I kept looking at Josh as we sat in our dark room thinking “You should be a daddy. This isn’t fair. You will be such a good Daddy.” I could barely open my mouth to speak and when I did, I think I just could get out “This sucks. I don’t know why.”

It’s amazing how much we felt comforted so immediately. There was an overwhelming sadness of course, but also a strength that only could come from Him. It was a welcome change from the long-term sorrow we felt after last cycle. God IS still good. Your prayers weren’t in vain. We immediately began looking at all of our blessings – just in life in general and from this cycle. We got 2 beautiful frozen embryos from this cycle. I didn’t end up in the ER this cycle. I managed to bounce back from my fluid-filled ovaries quicker than last time.I got to experience my first Mother’s Day as a mom. I didn’t have to wait longer and sit in hope – a typically period shouldn’t start till at least 10 or 11 days past the transfer – I was 4-5 days early! We were spared a positive pregnancy test that could have resulted in a miscarriage. We felt like we had received the biggest gift of GRACE by starting my period as early as it did.

So now we pack away the baby items taken out. We breathe deep. We sit in His presence and we sing the words of a Matt Redman song (Never Once): “Scars and struggles on the way but with joy our hearts can say, Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did You leave us on our own. You are faithful, God, You are faithful.”

I had bloodwork done this morning and while driving, played my lovely game of song-on-the-radio roulette. You know, that one where whatever is playing was MEANT for you. (I am a big fan of this game as you know from other blog entries).

Fergie: Cuz bigggg girls don’t cry…. (Lies Fergie, I am a big girl and I cry. Stupid song.)

Mumford and Sons: And I will wait, I will wait for you. And I will wait, I will wait for you… (I WILL wait for you little babies. Mama’s gonna wait as long as it takes …)

Kristian Stanfill: Promise maker, Promise Keeper, You finish what You begin … You see it through ’til the end. The Lord our God is ever faithful, never changing through the ages. From this darkness You will lead us and forever we will say You’re the Lord our God. In the silence, in the waiting, still we can know You are good. All Your plans are for Your glory. (Ok, maybe a few tears with this song. He will finish what He began and will see our through this.)

Pearl Jam

(Authors note – there were A LOT Of commercials on the radio so clearly I was just flipping around. Hence the fun of roulette).

Pearl Jam: Oh where, oh where, can my baby be? The Lord took her away from me. She’s gone to heaven, so I’ve got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world. (This one caught me off guard. It was a favorite when I was younger (the 1960’s version) and suddenly, without realizing it, I was singing it to my little baby. Was one of them a girl? She is in heaven and I get to see her again when I leave this world. Ok, more tears.)

John Waller: I’m waiting, I’m waiting on You, Lord. And I am hopeful, I’m waiting on You, Lord. Though it is painful, but patiently, I will wait. (More waiting. Seems to be the story of our life. But I will do so, with patience in the pain.)

I felt like Radio Roulette was a therapeutic success today. I was able to speak to my doctor this afternoon to discuss our next steps – transferring 2 of those frostie little babies into my warm and clearly undesirable womb. (Perhaps it needs a little Property Brothers renovation. Huh? No? Dang, I have clearly been watching too much HGTV while on bedrest). The conversation was so helpful in understanding some “why’s” and I feel relieved to know we have great potential for this Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). I actually will be starting medication tonight to get this next cycle underway and will blog more details about it in the future. The next transfer date will be July 18th. 58 days away.

My prayers are this – that our strength will continue to come from Him. That our family members that loved these grandchildren, nieces/nephews, cousins and playmates would have peace and healing from this disappointment as well. That non-believers reading this blog would not doubt God’s goodness. That our next steps would be blessed.

My husband is amazing. He is my rock and my physical here-on-earth support that I would be lost without. Never once has he altered in his faith and positivity. I literally could not go through this without him. I love you honey.

In the words of NeedtoBreathe – I am down on my knees, I’m waiting for something beautiful. And so we will wait a little longer. Until God changes our hearts desires, we will press on. We have 3 little snow babies left. God, please let one of them be our hold-in-our-arms baby.

THANK YOU to so many friends and family who brought over meals this last week. Each one was SO delicious and was a HUGE blessing. I think food is my love language. :)

THANK YOU to so many friends and family who brought over meals this last week. Each one was SO delicious and was a HUGE blessing. I think food is my love language. :)

What a fun package to receive today from an Instagram friend! Thanks Allison! I love it all!!

What a fun package to receive today from an Instagram friend! Thanks Allison! I love it all!!

 

bruised.

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Why is it, when you are trying to work on a spiritual trait, God will give you immediate opportunities to work on it? *Sigh*. Talking about confident trust 2 days ago was easier. Walking away from today’s doctor’s appointment not feeling very confident about anything is a lot harder.

The appointment today was to do more blood work and have a check-in ultrasound. The initial feedback was positive – my lining is getting ready to become a home for future embryos. My follicles are quickly growing big. I had 14 follies today measuring at a great size for day 5. My estradiol levels (a fancy word for a hormone needed to make and keep a baby!) however, were less than ideal. I struggled with this last cycle as well, and this time around, my levels are even lower than they were last time.

I know what you are thinking, why don’t they just raise her medication again? Well, it’s not that easy unfortunately. We have already increased my medication this cycle by 33% proactively, hoping not run into the estradiol issues and a continued increase could cause the follicles to grow too large too quickly and loss the eggs all together.

Are you confused?

I know, it’s a lot. It really it this big messy chart of if this, then that. I was able to speak to my nurse today after she consulted with my doctor and they want me to continue doing what I am doing and come back Friday morning to see how the levels look and see what follicles are left and which ones have grown.

It’s not that I don’t think we will be able to get any eggs out of this – I hope and pray that my levels rise to a point where they can do a retrieval. And I hope and pray that they can harvest as many eggs as possible during that time. But I was disappointed today.

I wanted this cycle to be PERFECT. I wanted the numbers to align together in harmony, for the doctor to be in awe at my enchanting follicles and devastatingly beautiful lining. I wanted to have no reason to worry. However, God has another plan for me. One that gives me no option but to be completely dependent on Him and His plan.

I feel a little bruised. Yes, literally, (you should see my tummy!) but figuratively too. My hope feels a little battered. But I am not defeated. Maybe God is bruising me so He can use me. So I can be more sensitive to His touch and to strip away every ounce of self-reliance in me. Maybe, when things feel dark, it’s simply because God wants an opportunity and a chance to shine. To light up the story. To remind me I am not in control. (How many times do I need to remind myself of this before it finally sinks in!?!).

Surrender: To yield completely.

Psalm 37:7 says “Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.”  In Job 22, it is written to “Submit and surrender yourself to God and you will have peace. You will prosper and great things will come to you.”

It all really comes down to simply completely surrendering this journey up to Him. God, it’s yours. I continue to worry and try to manage it myself. But it’s utterly pointless. There is nothing I can do to change this outcome – it is already finished. He is the God of the past, the present and the future. Why am I trying to plan out something when He are already there?

What’s it for you? What is that one Thing in your life right now that you need to turn over? To say to, I’m bruised, I can’t do this anymore. My desire to control my Thing has made me completely crazy. I hate that my emotions are tightly linked to one call from a doctor or a blood result.

Guess what. I’m over it.

It’s out of my hands. God has already demonstrated both His willingness and His ability to help me in tough times in the past. Now, I need to recall upon these moments, these gracious acts, and allow that to build my confident trust up in Him. To strengthen the present.

Keep praying for those nasty hormones to increase and for whatever is to come. I so appreciate all the love and prayers. A special shout-out to my mom whose Googling skills helped find out what food naturally increase estradiol levels … thanks to her I am stuffed full of pea soup and edamame. Hey, I’ll do what I can and leave the rest up to Him.

(On a side note – no more hot flashes since Monday! I also haven’t seen my neighbor since then either. I can’t stop giggling whenever I reply the moments in my head. Oy vey!)

identity.

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So … I don’t have a job anymore. I am officially 2 days into “retirement”. And just typing that is weird.

But yet, somehow, actually not going to work each day is not that weird. I expected to wake up yesterday morning and feel like it was just against my grain to not go to work. However, it felt like this was the way it was supposed to be. There is far more peace than I anticipated there being.

I have been busy. Granted, its only 2 days in, but I have managed to catch up on laundry, grocery shop, make lunches for Josh, reply back to emails, run countless errands (that does include three trip to Target already, uh oh) and spend some time taking care of me – gong to the doctor for my cough, reading a book, making some hot cocoa. It’s been nice.

But the one thing that hasn’t happened yet is the question. The one I am dreading. The “so, what do you do?” question? It comes up in every casual conversation. I tend to talk to people – a lot – and before I always felt a sense of pride in sharing that I was an HR Director at a psychiatric hospital. I did important things! I used my networks, I was good at what I did, I enjoyed it. So now, when someone asks, “so, what do you do?” …. I don’t know what to say.

I could say “an HR Consultant”, which is true. I am staying on board with my company in an Independent Contractor capacity until July 1st working on a large policy project. That sounds important – adding value to what someone might think of me. But what happens when that ends?

I could say “I volunteer at my church as the Director of Early Childhood Ministries”. Ah, Director is an important title. And volunteer, that sounds good. They might nod their head and ask a few questions. I am busy in that role and truthfully am really excited to be able to invest even more in the program.

I could say “a blogger.” Haha kidding. I couldn’t get that out with a straight face. Some days I still can’t believe I write for the whole world to read.

I could say “a stay at home mom … to a dog.” Now that would really generate some odd looks and responses.

At the end of the day, not having a response to that question makes me feel like a slacker. Like someone that either couldn’t keep a job or isn’t good enough to be employed somewhere. A causality of the economy or someone that is lazy. I know that’s not true of people who don’t work, but I feel like by not having a respond, my work ethic will be questioned. And that is painfully humbling. I want to launch into a spiel about how I had a job, a great job, a job I was really good at and respected in, but I quit. What’s that? Why? Oh, because God told me to. Uh huh, yep. God. For the potential of what is to come. To prepare my heart and body to become a mom. Yea, no I am not a mom yet. No, not even pregnant.

And then there are the people who don’t understand how this could be a hard crossroad for me. Who wouldn’t want to stay home all day!? You don’t have to take care of kids? You have the whole house to yourself? An easy husband. A sweet pup. How could that be anything less than ideal? But it’s a odd new reality. People in the secular world put so much value on our professional identity that not having a “good” answer confuses them. It halts the conversation. They will change the subject to baking or the weather, I just know it. I still have value to add to discussions!

But it’s in these conversations in my head that I am reminded about my real identity. The one that doesn’t have anything to do with a job title or pay scale. That doesn’t make people tilt their head in admiration or applaud that “tough job” that you do. I am a daughter of Christ – someone called to live a life FOR HIM, not for myself, not for my own pride.

Author Mark Driscoll writes “Our identity is to be received, not achieved. The first lie is to create an identity, not receive an identity…” When I read that, I realized that by always having an answer to that question, I have been working to create an identity for myself. And it’s only now, when that identity has been stripped away, that I am realizing that I never should have been creating an identity, I should have been receiving the identity that God created me to have.

It’s a really hard balance – this identity in the world of infertility, now as a “retiree”. I try so hard to remove the labels – that poor infertile girl who can’t get pregnant or the girl who quit her job – and live as someone who is walking each day to be used by God – but it’s hard. And I am at a crossroad now which I need to refocus. I am being humbled. I don’t doubt that God will have an exorbitant amount of people randomly ask me what I do, simply to remind me daily that a job title does not define me.

We all have identities that we cling to. I clung to my job title. You may cling to your title as a wife, a mom, a valedictorian, a champion athlete, someone who never swears, who plays the bass better than anyone else or has the voice of an angel. We so often rely on these earthly tokens to build ourselves up. Set us apart from the rest. But it really doesn’t matter. It can all be stripped away in a day. So my prayer is Psalm 138:8, “The Lord will work out his plans for my life—for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don’t abandon me, for you made me.”

God made me. He will work out His plan for my life and I have to admit, it’s exhilaratingly exciting to see what God is going to do. My Lupron shots start tomorrow morning at 8:15 am. Today could be my last day for the next several months where I am not doing a daily injection. Whoa. That’s exciting stuff!

This is a humbling place to be but I am thankful for the shared excitement of all of you as well. I loved that we were able to celebrate what was and now celebrate what is to come. So … let the new adventure begin.

community.

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Community. Fellowship. Cheerer-on-er (a technical word). All of these words come to mind when I think about all of YOU who have circled around us this last year in particular. Even though many of you have never walked this path, you join us on this trail, cheering from the side, often times stepping in and helping us as we run the race laid before us. The ways that you have rallied behind us may seem small to you but have literally helped carry us from one mile to the next.

Phone calls. Emails.

Texts. Cards sent to our home.

Gift cards. Last cycle we even had some friends support us with meals while I was on bed rest and feeling icky from meds. (I learned my love language is actually really food.)

Flowers sent. Chocolate covered strawberries received.

Hugs given. Tears shed.

Prayers prayed.

And now, we hit a big mile marker. We are (hopefully) gearing up for the last leg of the race. Your support now, more than ever, will continue to keep us going.

Many of you who are newly joining us in this race have some GREAT questions about IVF, the process and what we are doing. Here is a brief overview of our new schedule and details about each phase:

  1. Suppression – Our current phase! This is where we are suppressing my ovaries with medications to ensure everything is “quiet”. With an IVF cycle, everything is monitored and carefully manipulated to ensure the best eggs and outcome happens. The Suppression phase for me started back in March when I was placed on birth control pills. This way the doctors can control the hormones my body has in it and it prevents untimely ovulation. Next Wednesday, the 17th, I begin another added part, which is a daily injection of a medication that slows down and stops my pituitary glands from producing LH and FSH. (Again, just fancy names for the hormones that make someone ovulate.) So essentially this stage is shutting down my system in order to gain complete control during the Stimulation phase. I will be on the shots, called Lupron, for a total of 10 days. These shots are done in the mornings and were physically pretty tough last cycle. Again, I feel like I know to expect to feel crappy so it makes it easier. It’s exciting to feel crappy when the potential is having a baby!! (But I do sleep a LOT, the mood swings are difficult, and nausea, headaches, hot flashes and exhaustion are typical).
  2. Stimulation – This phase will begin on Saturday, the 27th and will last about 8-10 days. (Last time it was 10 days from the day I started my first Stim shot until the first surgery, the egg retrieval.) Once everything in my ovaries is “quiet”, through the use of multiple shots (called “Stims” for short), we now begin quickly attempting to develop multiple follicles, which will soon result in the potential for egg maturation. These include continued use of the Lupron shots to prevent untimely ovulation, as well as adding 3-4 other shots in the mix, some in the morning and some 12 hours later at night. The doctor will monitor the growth and development of the follicles, check blood work almost daily, have ultrasounds every other day and adjust my medication doses to ensure the follicles are being created at a perfect rate. This is a tricky part!! Some follicles absorb more of the medication than others, some can grow too big too fast and grow into cysts that can stop the cycle immediately, some can over stimulate and cause a lot of pain, or they just may not grow at all. Eck! This is also the phase where I looked and felt about 6 months pregnant. My ovaries grew from the size of a walnut to the size of grapefruits and were jiggling around. I was incredibly uncomfortable, so swollen and in general, not loving the discomfort. But again, it’s only 8-10 days! (This phase is when the meals my friends brought were amazing.)
  3. Egg Retrieval – At the time when our doctor says things are looking perfect, we will then administer an at-home “trigger” shot that will push the follicles to their final point of maturation. Exactly 36 hours from that shot, I will be in surgery, sound asleep thanks to amazing anesthesia, as my doctor removes all of my eggs from my ovaries. Last time we got 11 eggs and ended up with 3 embryos. I hope and pray for more this time, or at least ones that have a better quality. Based on the timeline of our last cycle, we anticipate this surgery being on/around May 6th. This is the day where our eggs meet their daddy’s sperm and the embryos form. Then over the next 5 days, the lab babysits them, watches as they split and grow and stabilize, which then leads to…
  4. Embryo Transfer – Typically 5 days later, we go back in for the embryo transfer. At that point, we meet our babies, our doctor recommends the strongest one/ones to transfer and we have the exciting experience of watching on screen as our babies get moved in my uterus. It is SUCH a special moment for Josh and I – we fell in love immediately last time and I don’t doubt anything less this time.
  5. Waiting – Back on bed rest! Now we pray. We pray A LOT! In the next 48 hours following the transfer, it is now up to our babies to implant themselves into the lining of my uterus and hopefully make themselves at home for the next 9 months. Last cycle we transferred 2 embryos and assuming all goes well, hope to do 2 again this cycle. We had 1 embryo left that we froze and hope to add more this cycle, so that we can someday do a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET for short), where we can skip over the Stimulation phase and Retrieval phase and just transfer my embryos. We wait 2 weeks until we have some blood work done to see if my hormone levels indict levels that confirm a pregnancy.

You know what’s crazy? That by the end of next month I will know if I am pregnant or not. I PRAY that I am but if I am not, we will immediately launch into an FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle. I am feeling so encouraged and blessed and READY to THRIVE again in this cycle (not just survive). Please continue to join us though, cheer us on, pray for us, and make a figurative poster at big mile markers. I can’t even begin to tell you how much the excitement of others helps us stay in the moment. Any help, words of encouragement, and prayers you can spare is amazing.

So, this is it! The home stretch! I am turning a corner – 5 days left to work. All of my medication has arrived (see picture below) and I have started sorting it out and ensuring all of the vials and syringes are ready. I am EXCITED and praying against nerves of the unknowns. I don’t want to end up in the ER again. I don’t want anything unplanned to come up, like follicles that get too big, or a suppression phase that doesn’t work. Please join us in praying against the unknowns. The IVF journey isn’t easy to begin with and I feel blessed to know what to expect this time around…really hoping to keep it that way.

Once I am done with work, I intend to be really good about blogging at least twice a week and updating everyone on how the cycle is going and how to be praying specifically. Don’t be shy in reaching out and checking in as well. I really do love that.

This is physically and emotionally draining on me BUT I have such a rock in Jesus Christ. I realize more and more each day how we are fearfully and wonderfully made. We are so complicated and I am blessed that through the use of modern day medicine, we are able to receive the help we need in order to have a child. I know that even though the chances of us creating a baby from one romantic, magical evening is slim, God is just as much in the creation of our child/children through the use of IVF. At the end of the day, He is the Creator, the Sustainer, the Provider and Protector, and the peace we have truly surpasses all understanding. “If God’s hadn’t been there for me, I never would have made it. The minute I said “I’m slipping. I’m falling.”, your love, God, took hold and held me fast. When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up.” (Psalm 94:17-19) Had I not miscarried last cycle, I would have been about 20 weeks along. But then I also would never have the chance  to be part of creating these new little miracle, miracle children that God-willing will one day be held in our arms.

Ok, long post. Lots of details. I am sure fellow IVF’er are cringing with the summary as I tried to make it all less medical. Please feel free to ask any questions you may have! I love sharing in this journey with you and having you along for the ride. This will be one amazing celebration one day.

meds round 2

The medications used for this next cycle! Shots, pills, suppositories, patches, more shots … all blessings!

sadness.

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This blog posting is a little harder to write than ones in the past. I feel like writing about strength and waiting, hormones and cycles, stories and verses comes easier than this next topic – sadness. Writing about sadness feels so sticky to me that I nearly want to skip it. Putting it down in words, written out for everyone to read, seems scary. But in the promise of being honest in all parts of this journey, I shall share.

Infertility has a range of emotions that comes with it – many that you have seen in past blogs: Worry, frustration, pain (physical and mental), joy, sorrow, excitement, celebration … and now, sadness. To those that haven’t experienced the sadness I am talking about, may be confused with how “sadness” differs from “sorrow” or “grief”, but it just does. The kind of sadness I am talking about feels like a big blanket that just wraps around you. It doesn’t make you feel incapacitated or hits you violently – it is just there, like a gentle linger of pain. It becomes a sixth sense. Sometimes this sadness feels like you can taste it, feel it, touch it. The awareness of the sadness makes you want to cry, out of pure sympathy for yourself that you feel so … sad.

Let me explain.

This past week (Saturday to Saturday) I was able to sneak away with my husband’s family to Mexico, an annual family trip that is one of the highlights of my year. This year, Josh’s parents, his younger brother and his wife and their two kids, Scarlett (2 ½) and Kinsley (11 months) were there as always. This being my 9th year down there with them, I knew what to expect. Food. Sun. Pool time. Spa trips. More food. I adore our Mexico trips. But this time, I was hit with something I didn’t expect.

Sadness.

Thursday morning was when I became aware of the blanket that was wrapping around me. As I sat in the pool in the morning, I looked around at all of the families playing and splashing around me. I watched as a mom rubbed her little boy with sunscreen and as a dad wrestled arm floaties onto his little girl. (He forgot to dip them in water first and was really struggling.) I watched as grandparents took pictures and tired mom’s swatted away their 9 year olds attempt to splash them. I watched as a mom floated by with her tiny baby whispering words in Spanish to him as he giggled. And I felt sad.

I realized that it’s been a long time since I have been surrounded with families for such a long span of time. I can do our churches kids ministry program for 4-5 hours straight, or spend time with nieces and friends kids for a half day. But I had no idea being around kids and full families for 8 days straight would break my heart as much as it did.

The blanket tightened.

I suddenly felt hot from the inside. My heart started to cry. I had a dramatic moment in my head as I watched this mom float past that screamed “HOW MUCH DID YOU WANT THAT BABY? How hard did you try? Did it come easy? Was he planned? Did your heart break before you had him? Do you realize how lucky you are?” (Just typing those words are making my eyes fills with tears.) The sadness moved up my neck. I saw joy all around me and felt so … empty. I spent lunch in our suite, hoping that some quiet reflection and Spanish Ellen would cheer me up. (It didn’t).

Later  that afternoon, I walked over to the spa with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. I didn’t want to let on that I felt so sad. I practiced saying it out loud in my room before I left, just saying “I feel sad today” and couldn’t get it out without crying. I was still processing the sadness. We relaxed in the hot tub, chatted in the sauna, sweated in the steam room. Finally we wrapped ourselves in plush robes and grabbed cool washcloths soaked in aromatic scents and laid down in the quiet relaxation room. As I placed the washcloth over my face, I started to cry. Knowing now was NOT the time, I tried to stop, which only made the silent tears worse. I was terrified someone would try to talk to me. I wasn’t ready yet to share my sadness.

I kept thinking “Chelsea, you are being so silly! You are in Mexico, at a spa, about to go get a 50 minute massage that you aren’t paying for surrounded by people you love – WHY ARE YOU SO SAD. Get your act together.”

And that’s when I realized, it was okay to be sad.

Infertility comes with a constant battle for strength. We quote verses about God strengthening us. We pin fancy quotes with bolded words and convince ourselves it WILL happen! It’s GOD’s time! We can DO this! We Instagram encouraging words and double tap others as a way to say “Hang in there!” We brush away the sadness so we can stay strong. We avoid tears because sometimes it scares us to think they may never stop. But it was in that moment when I realized, it’s okay to be sad right now.

It’s okay to want a family. It’s okay to be sad that I can’t watch Josh try to smush air floaties on our kids arms and don’t have grubby chubby baby hands reaching for me, their mom. It’s okay to be sad that we haven’t been able to make Josh’s or my parent’s grandparents to our kids yet. It’s okay to be sad that my body isn’t working like it supposed to. It’s okay to be sad when acknowledging this gigantic gaping hole in my heart.

It was in that moment I felt like God unwrapped my blanket of sadness, stepped into it with me and closed us both back up in it.

Our names were called (Jessi? Moniqua? Laurrrrie?) and I regained composure quickly enough to pad my way to the next, dark relaxation room. Our massage therapists quickly grabbed us from there and ushered us into our private rooms. As I laid face down, my head poking out of the face rest, eyes looking at the ground, I kept saying to myself “it’s okay to be sad.” The more I said it in my head, the more I cried. I spent the first 20 minutes of the massage watching my tears drop *plink* *plink* *plink* *plink* and hit the floor underneath me. I knew God was in my sadness blanket with me and wanted me to acknowledge the emotions that are so real.

Most days are good days. In fact, I felt a little better that night after my cathartic cry. The rest of the week was wonderful and I am feeling stronger again. But I don’t forget the sadness. I don’t forget the way it tastes. It seems like it’s just a breath away. I am learning that being sad is okay – I am typically someone who will withdrawal when I am sad. I get quieter, more serious. So if I seem “normal” and bubbly, you can assume it’s a good day and not an act. I don’t have the strength when I am sad to fake happy.

So now you know. I get sad. I cry. I hurt for what I don’t have. Yes, I know God is in control and I have never felt alone or abandoned. On sad days, my strength comes from simply knowing He is with me in my sadness.

I am about 1 ½ weeks into my birth control pill pack, which may have something to do with the wave-like emotions I have felt lately. We have our last IVF Consult appointment tomorrow morning at 8 am. There we will give our final blood samples, sign our paperwork, prepay for the cycle, obtain our prescriptions and make all of our appointments for the next 8 weeks. It is SUCH an exciting time. Part of me feels sad that I know what to expect, that this won’t all be new. There was such anticipation with each picture that was taken, each embryo that was introduced, every meal that was brought over. It seems a little more dulled now, knowing what the outcome can and may be, and I keep praying against apprehension so that I can savor the joy in this miraculous experience again.

I have 13 days left of work. My shots start in 21 days. I am excited, I really am. I am also just a little bit scared.

Continued prayers are always appreciated.

omg TTC & IF sucks.

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1 day until I start taking my birth control pills. 15 business days left of work. 12 days until we obtain our new meds, finish blood work, and sign all the exciting papers. 32 days till I pull back on a tiny syringe and start my shots. Approximately 51 days till I go into my egg retrieval surgery. AH! This is coming up fast! And slow. 51 days!? I finished my other prescription earlier this week without any significant issues and am glad to have that behind me.

Is anyone sick and tired of talking about infertility, IVF, waiting and wanting yet? I AM! I seriously sit down in front of the computer and feel like a broken record. It’s been almost a year since I started this blog and I feel like I could copy and paste last year’s postings for this year’s postings and call it a day.

WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING ME GOD!?

I have learned that when ready, God is waiting to use our testimony to change lives.

I continue to grow as a person, as a wife, as a friend. I have learned about patience, endurance, strength and grief. I have gained courage to tell our story as one that hopefully spotlights Christ, even though the story is not finished yet. I don’t think I would have chosen this life for us, but now that it’s here, I willingly and joyfully embrace it, excited to see where God will bring us next.

Early today I laid on a table as an Esthetician painfully ripped out leg hairs from their little follicle homes on my thighs. As I winced, she started up with pleasant conversation to distract from the feeling of the firey tingle.

“So, do you have any kids?”

(Whatever happened to “What do you do for a living?” or “How was your week?”)

“No, no kid. (awkward pause). I actually struggle with infertility.”

At this point I am sure I widened my eyes in a “I’m sorry I just spit that out” sort of way. But instead, was enthusiastically embraced with a “Ohmygosh! I struggled with that too!”

Ah, the sweet relief in not having “infertility” be a unmentionable word.

She carried on to tell me about her and her husband’s struggles to have their 2 kids, their multiple miscarriages and their recent decision to stop trying for a third. It was refreshing to hear someone talk so enthusiastically about a battle that I face and to do so with such positivity.

“You WILL get pregnant in May. You will. I just know it. Don’t even think that you won’t. Oh I am so excited for you.” (RIPPPPPPP – KELLY CLARKSON!)

We had the chance to talk about what keeps me going (Faith. Support.) and even though she didn’t acknowledge that we shared the common denominator of Christ, she hugged me at the end and I loved walking away knowing that even though that could been an awkward polite conversation with someone who had no idea what to say, it wasn’t. And I was even able to share a little bit about what keeps me strong and how trials really do bring joy. Unexpected blessings. Deepened faith.

Infertility is becoming talked about more and more and embraced with an empathetic compassion that I appreciate. More and more people are reaching out to a TTC community and sharing their struggles with people, some even blogging about it (gasp!). The support and love I have felt as a result of that has been incredible.

So, as we continue to wait for the next step, I will take this time to embrace the testimony God is creating in us. I love hearing that many of you are sharing our story and this blog with those you know who are struggling with infertility as well. Thanks for passing along your kind words and for continuing with us in this journey. Like I said in the beginning, I feel like a broken record, so when you remind me you are still tagging along, it’s reassuring knowing you still care.

I have to laugh at how many TTC Acronyms we have. I have gotten a few texts recently about people asking “WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?” in response to a posting or Instagram response. So in closing, here are some of the most commonly used acronyms – enjoy learning my language! : )

  • 2WW: Two-week wait (hopefully you guys know this one by now!
  • AF: Aunt Flow, that lovely visitor
  • BD: Baby dance (bluntly put, having sex)
  • BFN: Big fat negative (pregnancy test result)
  • BFP: Big fat positive (pregnancy test result)
  • CB: Cycle buddy (someone who is sharing the same cycle as you, working towards a BFP!)
  • CD: Cycle day
  • CM: Cervical mucus  (This is so gross to even blog about, but its so commonly used in the TTC world that I had to include it!)
  • DH: Dear Husband (darling husband, depending on when – dumb husband. KIDDING! I love you Josh.)
  • DPO: Days past ovulation
  • EW: Eggwhite (re: consistency of cervical mucus – gross, again I know, but …)
  • FMU: First morning urine (what you are supposed to use to test for a pregnancy test)
  • HPT: Home pregnancy test
  • IF: Infertility
  • IUI: Intrauterine Insemination
  • IVF: In Vitro Fertilization (I really hope you know this one by now too!)
  • OPK: Ovulation predictor kit (this helps women measure specifically when they are going to ovulate … so they can BD!)
  • PCOS: Polycystic ovarian syndrome
  • TTC: Trying to conceive

Now … to put it into a fake Message Board post that literally, I swear I have seen before – “Ugh, I am on CD20 and yesterday I had EWCM but I didn’t get a positive on my OPK. We will still BD and hopefully my DH and I don’t go crazy during the 2WW! AF better not show her ugly face. I will NOT take a HPT before 14DPO because I don’t want to get my hopes up. Anyone else in the wait and want to be CB?”

And that, my friends, is my language. : ) Thanks for reading along and hope you have a great weekend!

hormones, waiting and a greater purpose.

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Nailpolish. Notecards. Real Coke (the soda that is). Starbucks. Josh’s jokes.  Bookstores. Writing utensils. Coffee mugs. Fuzzy socks. Gilmore Girls. My dog.

All things that I love.

Waiting. Glass half-empty people.  Waiting. Not having a baby. Waiting. Medicine that makes me feel icky. Waiting. People that don’t acknowledge your kindness in traffic. Waiting. Breaking a tea bag and flooding your cup with grounds. Waiting.

All things I don’t love.

I started a medication on Saturday that is the first step in prepping for this IVF cycle. YAHOO! It’s been annoying but manageable. I have been on it in the past and my side effects have been similar to those experiences – a headache, some nausea (mainly in the morning), and tiredness. I am 3/10 pills in and know what to expect so I am not too worried – this too shall pass – but am excited for the 10th day to be here too.

In the meantime, I had some bloodwork done last Thursday to test my hormone levels and make sure my baselines were all within appropriate ranges in order to start the medicine – which clearly they were. A HUGE praise!  We meet with our IVF consultant team at the end of March (whoa, that’s THIS month!) and are excited for that too. So, guess what … we’re waiting!!!

So here I am, bored in my waiting period, continuing to be inpatient with what is to come.  Then suddenly – *ding* – the inbox of my email chimes and I catch the Proverbs 31 Ministries devotional Subject line for the day – There is Purpose in the Wait. I had to laugh. Yes, got it God. Thank you. But I loved the message inside enough to regurgitate for you today. (That’s an attractive word.)

  1. Even though we are anointed and appointed we may still have to wait. Throughout the Bible we see long, drawn out waiting periods for a destiny to be reached. Why do I think that my life story needs to be any different? I believe in my heart I have been called to a role of a mother – like David was called to the role of a King – but still, the wait may be required. And I have to be okay with that.
  2. If we allow it, our waiting will bring us to an intimate knowledge of God that we would not otherwise have. The message points out that some of David’s most beautiful psalms were written while he was in the wilderness, waiting on God. Likewise, I feel that this has been the time of the most spiritual growth and inspiration for me. Yes, it’s tough – but in the times of waiting, you learn so quickly that you have to fully lean into Him in order to make the ache go away. We just have to allow ourselves the ability to give it to Him.
  3. God does not ignore the cries of His children. Ah, how often have we cried and begged and cried some more, pleading with God to intervene and help us. And even though the outcomes and circumstances are different than what we envisioned, God still has never let us down. I have never felt ignored or abandoned – if anything, more than ever, I feel His ache for us.
  4. Our waiting has a purpose for someone other than ourselves. This one was a great point for me to read – that It’s not all about us. The devotion shared this thought: “Just think of how rich our lives are today because of the wait David endured. We have the comfort, compassion, hope, and healing of the Psalms.” Wow, what a beautiful take away that Josh and my period of waiting may have a purpose for someone else. A humbling thought in acknowledging that and makes me excited to give this time back to God to use.

We all know that waiting is less difficult when we allow God to intervene in our period of waiting. I fully expect Him to continue to move and act, even when time seems to go by slowly and the future is unknown.

I would have been just passing into my 2nd trimester this week had I not miscarried. The time that has passed has healed some of the wounds, as have the prayers and petitions of many for us. I know my babies are in the arms of Jesus, but I still can’t help but look down at my stomach sometimes and wonder what it would be like if things had gone differently.  My baby would have eyelids forming this week and would be starting to twitch its arms and legs. It would be about the size of an egg and almost 3 inches long – fully moving out of the embryo stage to the fetus stage. I wish I could be part of that celebration in watching it grow into a little person.

I so adore everyone who is routinely checking in on me/us and echoing the continuation of prayers for us. I greatly appreciate this and it means so much. Your cards, encouraging words, emails and texts always make me smile. Love love love!

So hang in there with us as we chug towards this next journey and adventure! We pray that our waiting has a purpose for someone other than ourselves … and that God continues to work in your lives in your period of Wait!

On a side note – Catherine or Lindsay!? Who will it be!? And what will I do on Monday nights when the Bachelor is done. *Sigh*   And I ran across this funny Infertility comic the other day and had to share …

dow

Have a great week!

be washed in sunshine.

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“Chelsea, I am touching base to let you know that your hCG levels are finally negative today. So that’s good. I’m glad it went down so we can move on with things.”

HURRAY! This is exactly the message I wanted to hear on Monday. I never thought I would be so excited to hear my doctor call to confirm that I was no longer considered “pregnant” by my hormone levels, but honestly, what a great thing to be able to close that chapter! A sincere thanks for all of the prayers and support. I am constantly grateful that our prayers were heard and answered so quickly, and that even despite the circumstances, that we were offered grace in a tough situation.

As I sit here at my computer typing this, I can’t help but notice a zip loc bag next to me that holds the pictures of our embryos from our transfer. I don’t know what to do with them. I could never throw them away. Those are our babies. I can’t hide them away like it never happened. I can’t frame them and it feels too sad to even pull them out of the bag. So in the bag they will stay, watching Mom clack away at the keyboard.

A few people keep telling me how they admire how “positive” I am being. It makes me want to laugh, because I truly feel quite the opposite of “positive” at times. In fact, at the end of last week, I just felt downright cranky. I wish I could blame it on hormones, or a lack of sleep, but instead, I was just bitter. Not at anything in particular either. I couldn’t pin my annoyance on a certain event or conversation. I was just in a funk. I made rude comments, I couldn’t attempt a smile at times, I felt like I had a grimace on my face for a few days straight. I even felt a twinge in my heart that I hadn’t felt before, or at least in a lonnnnnng time …. *jealousy*.

Whoa.

I have always been so good at separating out emotions, my situation from others. Remembering that’s “their baby”, not mine. But for some reason, for about 48 hours, I couldn’t do that. I just felt angry and sad whenever I saw a baby, heard about a baby, looked at a baby. I felt a sour taste in my mouth and rocked Death Eyes that probably hasn’t been pulled out since I was in 3rd grade. I didn’t want to pray about. I didn’t want to remind myself it wasn’t right. I just wanted to sulk in it and validate myself that it was okay.

The sour taste turned into an irrational panic on Saturday night. Josh and I were sitting in the dimly lit sanctuary at church, singing a song (me, still feeling in a funk), when all of a sudden this young couple in front of us starts to move around. It caught my attention as I saw the man bend down and BAM!, pops up with a tiny infant boy whose eyes were wide open and locked firmly into mine. I felt like the room froze and I suddenly lost my breath. It was my first experience being face to face with a newborn since my miscarriage and here was this adorable little boy, no more than 2 weeks old, propped up staring at me, just a few feet away. I feel like it was a moment I will never forget. I instantly looked away and reminded myself to breath, keep standing and singing, when in fact, I literally wanted to scream “GET THAT BABY AWAY FROM ME!”. I felt immense sadness mix with the fear that the couple would never be us. That I would be the one looking at babies in church for years to come. Part of me wanted to leave the service immediately, the other part of me thought about stabbing the man with my fine tip 0.38 G-2 pen just hard enough to release some of my tension and cause enough damage to make him leave. Thankfully, I “toughed” it out, avoided eye contact and flew out of there when the service was over.

And I ended up being fine. In fact, I was around 134 more children 5 and under at church the next morning when I volunteered as scheduled. But it reminded me of how human I am. And can be. And will be. Yes, I will be positive. And try to stay positive. But I have my bad moments and my good moments. And I don’t want to give anyone the false impression that this is easy, or that I am fakely positive. Because I’m human and it’s hard! I’ve tried to be as transparent about this as possible and I hope you walk away with encouragement, knowing that even in the hard times, we serve a God that is in ultimate control and that His plans will not only prevail, but are what’s best for us. It’s hard to believe when we are in a sinful world, but I know it and trust it to be true. So that’s where my hope comes from. It doesn’t mean days and moments aren’t tough. And my husband can certainly attest to my sometimes childish outbursts. But we live without the fear of the future. (And for me right now that means trusting that the scary newborn panic moment was a one-off, because I have lots of friends and family whose little babies coming into the world very soon! I have no time for this fear!)

“Still, if you set your heart on God and reach out to him… You’ll be able to face the world unashamed and keep a firm grip on life, guiltless and fearless. You’ll forget your troubles; they’ll be like old, faded photographs. Your world will be washed in sunshine, every shadow dispersed by dayspring. Full of hope, you’ll relax, confident again; you’ll look around, sit back, and take it easy…” (Job 11:15-19 MSG)

So let’s set our hearts on God, reach out to Him, hold on tight and forget our troubles. Let His peace wash over us like sunshine and let His spirit renew our confidence as we wait in Him.

So what’s next for us? Well, we know we still want a family. And are praying continuously about what that means for us. We know that another IVF round is likely a part of us future in the next 4-5 months. And we are praying for continued guidance. direction, provision, and validation that our plans are His plans.

So let the sun shine in. : )

just laugh.

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The People’s Choice Awards seem painfully awkward to watch this year! I can’t help but multitask and blog as I watch the lame jokes and crickets chirping. Is this even a real award show?? As I sit on my couch though, I can’t help but savor this time when the house is quiet and life is calm. I watched my TV show when I came home from work, I made a dinner that didn’t require being cut into tiny pieces, leisurely read my new magazine, will take a quiet bubble bath shortly … I know life won’t always be like this. Sometime soon, I will have to make a dinner that can be grasped by tiny fingers. The house will be filled with the songs of Sesame Street and the magazine subscriptions will likely end, or at least change to parenting ones. Instead of bubble baths, I will crash in bed. Those days will be wonderful. But, until those sleep deprived days come, I will enjoy every single second of this life. Life is just too darn short, and there are too many unknowns to be worrying about tomorrow. To wish for something different. Let’s not let today pass by wishing for a different life. We are exactly where we are meant to be. I will likely look back on these days and wish I worried less about the future and enjoyed the moment more.

My appointment on Monday resulted on wonderful news …. We were pleasantly blessed with the news that there was no residual sac or tissue in my uterus that would require us having to make ANY decision from the earlier 3 choices. My tubes looked great and the ectopic pregnancy was ruled out. I thankfully passed the majority of it this weekend and my levels dropped substantially. I will return to the clinic next Monday and hopefully those numbers will have continued to drop and soon be negative. I can’t even begin to tell you the relief we feel with this answered prayer! THANK YOU for praying!

Infertility is brutal. Those going through it have had too many doctors visits, blood draws, probe exposures, highs and lows, tough calls and difficult decisions. We used to be terrified of needles and now we slide that thing into our belly as easy as we pop a chip into our mouths. It can feel so serious, and it is. It hurts and I can’t pretend like it’s all a joke.  We try to be so polite about infertility, say the right thing, make it a polite experience. But its sucks way more than that. The feelings are too … big. But I do find laughing through the tough days to be a good coping mechanism. ( Q: How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Screw in a light bulb? Hmm, do you think that would work?)  Sometimes, you just have to break the ice in your own head. It can be too much to carry. Give yourself permission to cry and be angry, but also give yourself permission to laugh at the cruelty of this.

In the end, we survive! We will defeat this. It doesn’t always seem “fair”, but “those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.” (Ps. 126:5). Hang in there. Take your Thing and give yourself permission to be real with your emotions. Savor the day for what it is. And keep fighting. God is ever present. He is fighting with us, for us. Keep the faith, sleep while you can, and save your money …. because this reproductive disease is expensive!