community.

April 7, 20139 Comments

Community. Fellowship. Cheerer-on-er (a technical word). All of these words come to mind when I think about all of YOU who have circled around us this last year in particular. Even though many of you have never walked this path, you join us on this trail, cheering from the side, often times stepping in and helping us as we run the race laid before us. The ways that you have rallied behind us may seem small to you but have literally helped carry us from one mile to the next.

Phone calls. Emails.

Texts. Cards sent to our home.

Gift cards. Last cycle we even had some friends support us with meals while I was on bed rest and feeling icky from meds. (I learned my love language is actually really food.)

Flowers sent. Chocolate covered strawberries received.

Hugs given. Tears shed.

Prayers prayed.

And now, we hit a big mile marker. We are (hopefully) gearing up for the last leg of the race. Your support now, more than ever, will continue to keep us going.

Many of you who are newly joining us in this race have some GREAT questions about IVF, the process and what we are doing. Here is a brief overview of our new schedule and details about each phase:

Suppression – Our current phase! This is where we are suppressing my ovaries with medications to ensure everything is “quiet”. With an IVF cycle, everything is monitored and carefully manipulated to ensure the best eggs and outcome happens. The Suppression phase for me started back in March when I was placed on birth control pills. This way the doctors can control the hormones my body has in it and it prevents untimely ovulation. Next Wednesday, the 17^th, I begin another added part, which is a daily injection of a medication that slows down and stops my pituitary glands from producing LH and FSH. (Again, just fancy names for the hormones that make someone ovulate.) So essentially this stage is shutting down my system in order to gain complete control during the Stimulation phase. I will be on the shots, called Lupron, for a total of 10 days. These shots are done in the mornings and were physically pretty tough last cycle. Again, I feel like I know to expect to feel crappy so it makes it easier. It’s exciting to feel crappy when the potential is having a baby!! (But I do sleep a LOT, the mood swings are difficult, and nausea, headaches, hot flashes and exhaustion are typical).
Stimulation – This phase will begin on Saturday, the 27^th and will last about 8-10 days. (Last time it was 10 days from the day I started my first Stim shot until the first surgery, the egg retrieval.) Once everything in my ovaries is “quiet”, through the use of multiple shots (called “Stims” for short), we now begin quickly attempting to develop multiple follicles, which will soon result in the potential for egg maturation. These include continued use of the Lupron shots to prevent untimely ovulation, as well as adding 3-4 other shots in the mix, some in the morning and some 12 hours later at night. The doctor will monitor the growth and development of the follicles, check blood work almost daily, have ultrasounds every other day and adjust my medication doses to ensure the follicles are being created at a perfect rate. This is a tricky part!! Some follicles absorb more of the medication than others, some can grow too big too fast and grow into cysts that can stop the cycle immediately, some can over stimulate and cause a lot of pain, or they just may not grow at all. Eck! This is also the phase where I looked and felt about 6 months pregnant. My ovaries grew from the size of a walnut to the size of grapefruits and were jiggling around. I was incredibly uncomfortable, so swollen and in general, not loving the discomfort. But again, it’s only 8-10 days! (This phase is when the meals my friends brought were amazing.)
Egg Retrieval – At the time when our doctor says things are looking perfect, we will then administer an at-home “trigger” shot that will push the follicles to their final point of maturation. Exactly 36 hours from that shot, I will be in surgery, sound asleep thanks to amazing anesthesia, as my doctor removes all of my eggs from my ovaries. Last time we got 11 eggs and ended up with 3 embryos. I hope and pray for more this time, or at least ones that have a better quality. Based on the timeline of our last cycle, we anticipate this surgery being on/around May 6^th. This is the day where our eggs meet their daddy’s sperm and the embryos form. Then over the next 5 days, the lab babysits them, watches as they split and grow and stabilize, which then leads to…
Embryo Transfer – Typically 5 days later, we go back in for the embryo transfer. At that point, we meet our babies, our doctor recommends the strongest one/ones to transfer and we have the exciting experience of watching on screen as our babies get moved in my uterus. It is SUCH a special moment for Josh and I – we fell in love immediately last time and I don’t doubt anything less this time.
Waiting – Back on bed rest! Now we pray. We pray A LOT! In the next 48 hours following the transfer, it is now up to our babies to implant themselves into the lining of my uterus and hopefully make themselves at home for the next 9 months. Last cycle we transferred 2 embryos and assuming all goes well, hope to do 2 again this cycle. We had 1 embryo left that we froze and hope to add more this cycle, so that we can someday do a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET for short), where we can skip over the Stimulation phase and Retrieval phase and just transfer my embryos. We wait 2 weeks until we have some blood work done to see if my hormone levels indict levels that confirm a pregnancy.

You know what’s crazy? That by the end of next month I will know if I am pregnant or not. I PRAY that I am but if I am not, we will immediately launch into an FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle. I am feeling so encouraged and blessed and READY to THRIVE again in this cycle (not just survive). Please continue to join us though, cheer us on, pray for us, and make a figurative poster at big mile markers. I can’t even begin to tell you how much the excitement of others helps us stay in the moment. Any help, words of encouragement, and prayers you can spare is amazing.

So, this is it! The home stretch! I am turning a corner – 5 days left to work. All of my medication has arrived (see picture below) and I have started sorting it out and ensuring all of the vials and syringes are ready. I am EXCITED and praying against nerves of the unknowns. I don’t want to end up in the ER again. I don’t want anything unplanned to come up, like follicles that get too big, or a suppression phase that doesn’t work. Please join us in praying against the unknowns. The IVF journey isn’t easy to begin with and I feel blessed to know what to expect this time around…really hoping to keep it that way.

Once I am done with work, I intend to be really good about blogging at least twice a week and updating everyone on how the cycle is going and how to be praying specifically. Don’t be shy in reaching out and checking in as well. I really do love that.

This is physically and emotionally draining on me BUT I have such a rock in Jesus Christ. I realize more and more each day how we are fearfully and wonderfully made. We are so complicated and I am blessed that through the use of modern day medicine, we are able to receive the help we need in order to have a child. I know that even though the chances of us creating a baby from one romantic, magical evening is slim, God is just as much in the creation of our child/children through the use of IVF. At the end of the day, He is the Creator, the Sustainer, the Provider and Protector, and the peace we have truly surpasses all understanding. “If God’s hadn’t been there for me, I never would have made it. The minute I said “I’m slipping. I’m falling.”, your love, God, took hold and held me fast. When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up.” (Psalm 94:17-19) Had I not miscarried last cycle, I would have been about 20 weeks along. But then I also would never have the chance to be part of creating these new little miracle, miracle children that God-willing will one day be held in our arms.

Ok, long post. Lots of details. I am sure fellow IVF’er are cringing with the summary as I tried to make it all less medical. Please feel free to ask any questions you may have! I love sharing in this journey with you and having you along for the ride. This will be one amazing celebration one day.

The medications used for this next cycle! Shots, pills, suppositories, patches, more shots … all blessings!

sadness.

March 26, 2013March 26, 20139 Comments

This blog posting is a little harder to write than ones in the past. I feel like writing about strength and waiting, hormones and cycles, stories and verses comes easier than this next topic – sadness. Writing about sadness feels so sticky to me that I nearly want to skip it. Putting it down in words, written out for everyone to read, seems scary. But in the promise of being honest in all parts of this journey, I shall share.

Infertility has a range of emotions that comes with it – many that you have seen in past blogs: Worry, frustration, pain (physical and mental), joy, sorrow, excitement, celebration … and now, sadness. To those that haven’t experienced the sadness I am talking about, may be confused with how “sadness” differs from “sorrow” or “grief”, but it just does. The kind of sadness I am talking about feels like a big blanket that just wraps around you. It doesn’t make you feel incapacitated or hits you violently – it is just there, like a gentle linger of pain. It becomes a sixth sense. Sometimes this sadness feels like you can taste it, feel it, touch it. The awareness of the sadness makes you want to cry, out of pure sympathy for yourself that you feel so … sad.

Let me explain.

This past week (Saturday to Saturday) I was able to sneak away with my husband’s family to Mexico, an annual family trip that is one of the highlights of my year. This year, Josh’s parents, his younger brother and his wife and their two kids, Scarlett (2 ½) and Kinsley (11 months) were there as always. This being my 9^th year down there with them, I knew what to expect. Food. Sun. Pool time. Spa trips. More food. I adore our Mexico trips. But this time, I was hit with something I didn’t expect.

Sadness.

Thursday morning was when I became aware of the blanket that was wrapping around me. As I sat in the pool in the morning, I looked around at all of the families playing and splashing around me. I watched as a mom rubbed her little boy with sunscreen and as a dad wrestled arm floaties onto his little girl. (He forgot to dip them in water first and was really struggling.) I watched as grandparents took pictures and tired mom’s swatted away their 9 year olds attempt to splash them. I watched as a mom floated by with her tiny baby whispering words in Spanish to him as he giggled. And I felt sad.

I realized that it’s been a long time since I have been surrounded with families for such a long span of time. I can do our churches kids ministry program for 4-5 hours straight, or spend time with nieces and friends kids for a half day. But I had no idea being around kids and full families for 8 days straight would break my heart as much as it did.

The blanket tightened.

I suddenly felt hot from the inside. My heart started to cry. I had a dramatic moment in my head as I watched this mom float past that screamed “HOW MUCH DID YOU WANT THAT BABY? How hard did you try? Did it come easy? Was he planned? Did your heart break before you had him? Do you realize how lucky you are?” (Just typing those words are making my eyes fills with tears.) The sadness moved up my neck. I saw joy all around me and felt so … empty. I spent lunch in our suite, hoping that some quiet reflection and Spanish Ellen would cheer me up. (It didn’t).

Later that afternoon, I walked over to the spa with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. I didn’t want to let on that I felt so sad. I practiced saying it out loud in my room before I left, just saying “I feel sad today” and couldn’t get it out without crying. I was still processing the sadness. We relaxed in the hot tub, chatted in the sauna, sweated in the steam room. Finally we wrapped ourselves in plush robes and grabbed cool washcloths soaked in aromatic scents and laid down in the quiet relaxation room. As I placed the washcloth over my face, I started to cry. Knowing now was NOT the time, I tried to stop, which only made the silent tears worse. I was terrified someone would try to talk to me. I wasn’t ready yet to share my sadness.

I kept thinking “Chelsea, you are being so silly! You are in Mexico, at a spa, about to go get a 50 minute massage that you aren’t paying for surrounded by people you love – WHY ARE YOU SO SAD. Get your act together.”

And that’s when I realized, it was okay to be sad.

Infertility comes with a constant battle for strength. We quote verses about God strengthening us. We pin fancy quotes with bolded words and convince ourselves it WILL happen! It’s GOD’s time! We can DO this! We Instagram encouraging words and double tap others as a way to say “Hang in there!” We brush away the sadness so we can stay strong. We avoid tears because sometimes it scares us to think they may never stop. But it was in that moment when I realized, it’s okay to be sad right now.

It’s okay to want a family. It’s okay to be sad that I can’t watch Josh try to smush air floaties on our kids arms and don’t have grubby chubby baby hands reaching for me, their mom. It’s okay to be sad that we haven’t been able to make Josh’s or my parent’s grandparents to our kids yet. It’s okay to be sad that my body isn’t working like it supposed to. It’s okay to be sad when acknowledging this gigantic gaping hole in my heart.

It was in that moment I felt like God unwrapped my blanket of sadness, stepped into it with me and closed us both back up in it.

Our names were called (Jessi? Moniqua? Laurrrrie?) and I regained composure quickly enough to pad my way to the next, dark relaxation room. Our massage therapists quickly grabbed us from there and ushered us into our private rooms. As I laid face down, my head poking out of the face rest, eyes looking at the ground, I kept saying to myself “it’s okay to be sad.” The more I said it in my head, the more I cried. I spent the first 20 minutes of the massage watching my tears drop *plink* *plink* *plink* *plink* and hit the floor underneath me. I knew God was in my sadness blanket with me and wanted me to acknowledge the emotions that are so real.

Most days are good days. In fact, I felt a little better that night after my cathartic cry. The rest of the week was wonderful and I am feeling stronger again. But I don’t forget the sadness. I don’t forget the way it tastes. It seems like it’s just a breath away. I am learning that being sad is okay – I am typically someone who will withdrawal when I am sad. I get quieter, more serious. So if I seem “normal” and bubbly, you can assume it’s a good day and not an act. I don’t have the strength when I am sad to fake happy.

So now you know. I get sad. I cry. I hurt for what I don’t have. Yes, I know God is in control and I have never felt alone or abandoned. On sad days, my strength comes from simply knowing He is with me in my sadness.

I am about 1 ½ weeks into my birth control pill pack, which may have something to do with the wave-like emotions I have felt lately. We have our last IVF Consult appointment tomorrow morning at 8 am. There we will give our final blood samples, sign our paperwork, prepay for the cycle, obtain our prescriptions and make all of our appointments for the next 8 weeks. It is SUCH an exciting time. Part of me feels sad that I know what to expect, that this won’t all be new. There was such anticipation with each picture that was taken, each embryo that was introduced, every meal that was brought over. It seems a little more dulled now, knowing what the outcome can and may be, and I keep praying against apprehension so that I can savor the joy in this miraculous experience again.

I have 13 days left of work. My shots start in 21 days. I am excited, I really am. I am also just a little bit scared.

Continued prayers are always appreciated.

omg TTC & IF sucks.

March 16, 20138 Comments

1 day until I start taking my birth control pills. 15 business days left of work. 12 days until we obtain our new meds, finish blood work, and sign all the exciting papers. 32 days till I pull back on a tiny syringe and start my shots. Approximately 51 days till I go into my egg retrieval surgery. AH! This is coming up fast! And slow. 51 days!? I finished my other prescription earlier this week without any significant issues and am glad to have that behind me.

Is anyone sick and tired of talking about infertility, IVF, waiting and wanting yet? I AM! I seriously sit down in front of the computer and feel like a broken record. It’s been almost a year since I started this blog and I feel like I could copy and paste last year’s postings for this year’s postings and call it a day.

WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING ME GOD!?

I have learned that when ready, God is waiting to use our testimony to change lives.

I continue to grow as a person, as a wife, as a friend. I have learned about patience, endurance, strength and grief. I have gained courage to tell our story as one that hopefully spotlights Christ, even though the story is not finished yet. I don’t think I would have chosen this life for us, but now that it’s here, I willingly and joyfully embrace it, excited to see where God will bring us next.

Early today I laid on a table as an Esthetician painfully ripped out leg hairs from their little follicle homes on my thighs. As I winced, she started up with pleasant conversation to distract from the feeling of the firey tingle.

“So, do you have any kids?”

(Whatever happened to “What do you do for a living?” or “How was your week?”)

“No, no kid. (awkward pause). I actually struggle with infertility.”

At this point I am sure I widened my eyes in a “I’m sorry I just spit that out” sort of way. But instead, was enthusiastically embraced with a “Ohmygosh! I struggled with that too!”

Ah, the sweet relief in not having “infertility” be a unmentionable word.

She carried on to tell me about her and her husband’s struggles to have their 2 kids, their multiple miscarriages and their recent decision to stop trying for a third. It was refreshing to hear someone talk so enthusiastically about a battle that I face and to do so with such positivity.

“You WILL get pregnant in May. You will. I just know it. Don’t even think that you won’t. Oh I am so excited for you.” (RIPPPPPPP – KELLY CLARKSON!)

We had the chance to talk about what keeps me going (Faith. Support.) and even though she didn’t acknowledge that we shared the common denominator of Christ, she hugged me at the end and I loved walking away knowing that even though that could been an awkward polite conversation with someone who had no idea what to say, it wasn’t. And I was even able to share a little bit about what keeps me strong and how trials really do bring joy. Unexpected blessings. Deepened faith.

Infertility is becoming talked about more and more and embraced with an empathetic compassion that I appreciate. More and more people are reaching out to a TTC community and sharing their struggles with people, some even blogging about it (gasp!). The support and love I have felt as a result of that has been incredible.

So, as we continue to wait for the next step, I will take this time to embrace the testimony God is creating in us. I love hearing that many of you are sharing our story and this blog with those you know who are struggling with infertility as well. Thanks for passing along your kind words and for continuing with us in this journey. Like I said in the beginning, I feel like a broken record, so when you remind me you are still tagging along, it’s reassuring knowing you still care.

I have to laugh at how many TTC Acronyms we have. I have gotten a few texts recently about people asking “WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?” in response to a posting or Instagram response. So in closing, here are some of the most commonly used acronyms – enjoy learning my language! : )

2WW: Two-week wait (hopefully you guys know this one by now!
AF: Aunt Flow, that lovely visitor
BD: Baby dance (bluntly put, having sex)
BFN: Big fat negative (pregnancy test result)
BFP: Big fat positive (pregnancy test result)
CB: Cycle buddy (someone who is sharing the same cycle as you, working towards a BFP!)
CD: Cycle day
CM: Cervical mucus (This is so gross to even blog about, but its so commonly used in the TTC world that I had to include it!)
DH: Dear Husband (darling husband, depending on when – dumb husband. KIDDING! I love you Josh.)
DPO: Days past ovulation
EW: Eggwhite (re: consistency of cervical mucus – gross, again I know, but …)
FMU: First morning urine (what you are supposed to use to test for a pregnancy test)
HPT: Home pregnancy test
IF: Infertility
IUI: Intrauterine Insemination
IVF: In Vitro Fertilization (I really hope you know this one by now too!)
OPK: Ovulation predictor kit (this helps women measure specifically when they are going to ovulate … so they can BD!)
PCOS: Polycystic ovarian syndrome
TTC: Trying to conceive

Now … to put it into a fake Message Board post that literally, I swear I have seen before – “Ugh, I am on CD20 and yesterday I had EWCM but I didn’t get a positive on my OPK. We will still BD and hopefully my DH and I don’t go crazy during the 2WW! AF better not show her ugly face. I will NOT take a HPT before 14DPO because I don’t want to get my hopes up. Anyone else in the wait and want to be CB?”

And that, my friends, is my language. : ) Thanks for reading along and hope you have a great weekend!

hormones, waiting and a greater purpose.

March 5, 2013March 5, 20135 Comments

Nailpolish. Notecards. Real Coke (the soda that is). Starbucks. Josh’s jokes. Bookstores. Writing utensils. Coffee mugs. Fuzzy socks. Gilmore Girls. My dog.

All things that I love.

Waiting. Glass half-empty people. Waiting. Not having a baby. Waiting. Medicine that makes me feel icky. Waiting. People that don’t acknowledge your kindness in traffic. Waiting. Breaking a tea bag and flooding your cup with grounds. Waiting.

All things I don’t love.

I started a medication on Saturday that is the first step in prepping for this IVF cycle. YAHOO! It’s been annoying but manageable. I have been on it in the past and my side effects have been similar to those experiences – a headache, some nausea (mainly in the morning), and tiredness. I am 3/10 pills in and know what to expect so I am not too worried – this too shall pass – but am excited for the 10^th day to be here too.

In the meantime, I had some bloodwork done last Thursday to test my hormone levels and make sure my baselines were all within appropriate ranges in order to start the medicine – which clearly they were. A HUGE praise! We meet with our IVF consultant team at the end of March (whoa, that’s THIS month!) and are excited for that too. So, guess what … we’re waiting!!!

So here I am, bored in my waiting period, continuing to be inpatient with what is to come. Then suddenly – *ding* – the inbox of my email chimes and I catch the Proverbs 31 Ministries devotional Subject line for the day – There is Purpose in the Wait. I had to laugh. Yes, got it God. Thank you. But I loved the message inside enough to regurgitate for you today. (That’s an attractive word.)

Even though we are anointed and appointed we may still have to wait. Throughout the Bible we see long, drawn out waiting periods for a destiny to be reached. Why do I think that my life story needs to be any different? I believe in my heart I have been called to a role of a mother – like David was called to the role of a King – but still, the wait may be required. And I have to be okay with that.
If we allow it, our waiting will bring us to an intimate knowledge of God that we would not otherwise have. The message points out that some of David’s most beautiful psalms were written while he was in the wilderness, waiting on God. Likewise, I feel that this has been the time of the most spiritual growth and inspiration for me. Yes, it’s tough – but in the times of waiting, you learn so quickly that you have to fully lean into Him in order to make the ache go away. We just have to allow ourselves the ability to give it to Him.
God does not ignore the cries of His children. Ah, how often have we cried and begged and cried some more, pleading with God to intervene and help us. And even though the outcomes and circumstances are different than what we envisioned, God still has never let us down. I have never felt ignored or abandoned – if anything, more than ever, I feel His ache for us.
Our waiting has a purpose for someone other than ourselves. This one was a great point for me to read – that It’s not all about us. The devotion shared this thought: “Just think of how rich our lives are today because of the wait David endured. We have the comfort, compassion, hope, and healing of the Psalms.” Wow, what a beautiful take away that Josh and my period of waiting may have a purpose for someone else. A humbling thought in acknowledging that and makes me excited to give this time back to God to use.

We all know that waiting is less difficult when we allow God to intervene in our period of waiting. I fully expect Him to continue to move and act, even when time seems to go by slowly and the future is unknown.

I would have been just passing into my 2nd trimester this week had I not miscarried. The time that has passed has healed some of the wounds, as have the prayers and petitions of many for us. I know my babies are in the arms of Jesus, but I still can’t help but look down at my stomach sometimes and wonder what it would be like if things had gone differently. My baby would have eyelids forming this week and would be starting to twitch its arms and legs. It would be about the size of an egg and almost 3 inches long – fully moving out of the embryo stage to the fetus stage. I wish I could be part of that celebration in watching it grow into a little person.

I so adore everyone who is routinely checking in on me/us and echoing the continuation of prayers for us. I greatly appreciate this and it means so much. Your cards, encouraging words, emails and texts always make me smile. Love love love!

So hang in there with us as we chug towards this next journey and adventure! We pray that our waiting has a purpose for someone other than ourselves … and that God continues to work in your lives in your period of Wait!

On a side note – Catherine or Lindsay!? Who will it be!? And what will I do on Monday nights when the Bachelor is done. *Sigh* And I ran across this funny Infertility comic the other day and had to share …

Have a great week!

gotta have patience. gotta wait.

February 23, 20138 Comments

“Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.”

This sentence has become a popular one in my niece Scarlett’s vocabulary. When I asked her about the gifts around the Christmas tree, she simply said “Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.” When I asked her about some friends coming over later that day and if she was excited, the answer was simple, “Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.” Even a simple question like “are you ready for dinner?” has been answered with a “Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.” Not only is her little voice saying that one of the cutest things, “godda be pashent, godda wait.”, but the message is simple – she knows she has something to look forward to but the time isn’t now. She doesn’t doubt that the time is coming when she will have the gifts revealed, the friends at the door, the dinner on the table – but the time isn’t now.

When I think about waiting till April to start another IVF cycle, her little voice echo’s loudly in my head…”Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.” But with it comes the simple realization that it will be happening and it is in the future. Now is the time of demonstrating adult patience. I swear it should get easier the older we get, but it doesn’t. In fact, kids seem to be much better at distracting themselves while they wait. As an adult, all I can think about it wanting to fast forward to April, to feel the poke of the needle in my stomach again (who’d have ever thought that!), to make the 55 mile round trip drive to and from the clinic each day, to have the excitement about the potential to be even more real. Instead, I have to practice my ability to be patient.

Bah.

I hate waiting.

I feel like all I have done is wait.

And I am surrounded by others who are waiting too – waiting for a job, waiting for direction in a relationship, waiting for a baby, waiting for a spouse, waiting for test results, waiting for treatments to be over, waiting for an answer to a massive prayer. It seems nearly everywhere I turn right now, I am with someone waiting. Half of the time we stare at each other saying “It’s gonna be ok! We can wait. It’s for a reason. Let’s look at what we are being taught in these moments, what we can take away from this.” And then to the other half of the time it’s a “WHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!?!?!?!”

We have all heard the lovely patience quotes before … “Patience is the greatest of all virtues.” and “He that can have patience can have what he will.” Words regarding patience show up at least 50 times throughout the Bible. In fact, a popular song in my house growing up was this one – “Have patience, have patience, don’t be in such a hurry. When you get impatient, you only start to worry…” We are inundated with the reminders that patience is important. And yet, truthfully, most of us suck at it.

Webster’s defines patience as the “ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with a delay.” Restlessness is a good word. As is annoyance. It later uses the words ”steady perseverance”. I WANT to be more patient. I WANT to say I am fully embracing every second of waiting, but truthfully some days are harder than others. I KNOW I am right where I am supposed to be. I work to try to find the moments in each day that make it meaningful and matter. But I am still learning the art of patience. I read the other day “Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success.”

Hebrews 12 talks about running “with endurance the race that is set before us.” It’s empowering to know that this path before me is set. I am not making the way, God has cleared this path for us and now I need to roll up my sleeves of perseverance and endurance, equipped myself with patience, and charge ahead.

“Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.”

52 days till shots start again. 7 days till I start my first pill to prepare me for the cycle. 48 days till my last day of work. 20 days till my spring break vacation. 33 days till our balance is due for the cycle. Days whirl by. I can do this.

“Start with where you are at this point in time and space, accepting that this is where I (God) indeed you to be. You will get through today one step, one moment at a time. Your main responsibility is to remain attentive to Me, letting Me guide you through the many choices along your pathway.” (Jesus Calling)

So, wherever you are today, whatever you are waiting on, whatever needs a little extra dose of patience sprinkled on it- do it. Let’s do it together. Time to strengthen our patience muscles, continue to suppress our annoyance at waiting and embrace what today offers. That means smiling through the hard time of waiting and wonderment. God is in today.

“Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.”

On a side note, Josh and I had a fun photo shoot with a friend last November and I wanted to share a few of my favorite pictures of our family. Enjoy!

countdown.

February 11, 2013February 11, 20134 Comments

Sometimes its difficult for me to blog when I have SO much going on in my head and want to talk about! I will do my best to be articulate and provide an overview. I apologize for being so delayed on an entry – I promise I won’t let 2.5 weeks lapse again!

Work. I have been amazed at all the support people have given to me/us after announcing the difficult decision to step down from my position. I can’t stress enough how called I feel to make this decision. I don’t fear what happens TO me or what life will look like post-job, because I know God is working IN me. He is preparing me for that unknown. I know that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Rom 8:28). And so this is a giant leap of faith in trusting in His plans. I have about 9 weeks left and I think having an end in sight is probably one of the hardest things! The end of working with this job at this company is very sad for me. But the end of my job also means our next IVF cycle is HERE and that is so exciting. (So sO So sO So exciting! I’m excited, can you tell?) The mixture of emotions, counting down but not, it confusing! So I am trying to take each day for what it is and praying that God reminds me to be in THIS moment today and not fast forwarding through life. I have been trying to be more intentional about seeking what He wants of me in this present moment. (Easier said than done, especially when I have an app reminding me each day of how many days are left till XXX … I enable myself! Eck!)

IVF. There isn’t too much to update here. I have an appointment at the end of the month to do some blood work and tests, and get a prescription for a medication I have to start the first of March. From there it’s really just that med (Provera) and birth control until the cycle starts. (Weird, I know right!). Josh and I will meet with the doctor at the end of March and obtain our new prescription orders, do some more blood panels, sign all the papers and make the final payment. It is only weeks away already which is exciting! (Ok, if you must know, my first shot starts 64 days from today!)

Life. I have been soaking up everything God has for me through sermons, readings, insight… wherever I can get it! I have so many great lessons learned that I am trying to apply each day. Each of these could be a blog in and of itself, but I thought I would just throw down a shmorgishborg of my most recent brain activity. Perhaps one of these thoughts will hit home with something you need to know/be reminded of/can apply:

We need to remember 4 simple truths: 1) My God is FOR me. 2) My God is WITH me. 3) My God FORGIVES me. 4) My God can do ANYTHING. When we base on life on that, we flourish. It as simple as that – remembering God is for us, not against us. He is always with us, even when it feels like He has gone quiet. He forgives us, immediately, when we repent, and He can do ANYTHING. That doesn’t always means He WILL and even if He doesn’t but our hope needs to live in the fact that He can. (Daniel 3:16-18)
Living under grace is that life-changing constant awareness of what we’ve been given in light of what we deserve. Being reminded daily of the Grace we have been blessed with takes the focus off of “Me! Me! Me! My wants! My needs!” and makes us life a life glorifying Him, because we don’t deserve any of this.
The decisions we make today determine the story we tell tomorrow. Direction, not intention, determines our destination. Sometimes the best decision you can make is to go when it would be easier to stay. (Genesis 12:1 – The Lord had said to Abram, “Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.”) It doesn’t make sense for me to GO right now, nor did it make sense for Abram to leave everything He knew to follow where God called Him. And without that step of faith, nothing would be what we know it to be today. (Hebrews 11:8 “By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.”). I wish I knew where I was going! I wish I knew what is ahead. I am confident in knowing that despite whatever outcomes are ahead, that this is still where God is leading.
(Jesus Calling excerpt) Try saying, “I trust You, Jesus” in response to whatever happens to you. This simple practice will help you to see Me in every situation, acknowledging My sovereign control over the universe. When you view events from this perspective …fear loses its grip on you. Adverse circumstances become growth opportunities when you affirm your trust in Me no matter what. You receive blessings gratefully, realizing they flow directly from My hand of grace. Your continual assertion of trusting Me will strengthen our relationship and keep you close to Me. The fear of the unknown is a lot less scary when I know that anything that comes my way is simply an opportunity to affirm my trust in Him.
(Jesus Calling excerpt) Do not fear what this day, or any day, may bring your way. Concentrate on trusting Me and on doing what needs to be done. Relax in My sovereignty, remembering that I go before you, as well as with you, into each day. Fear no evil, for I can bring good out of every situation you will ever encounter. Love everything about this passage.

I could keep going, really I could. I am truly just so excited to see what is ahead of us. I know things will be different and difficult. I don’t anticipate being down an income as being something “easy” to adjust to. It will be different to no longer have “HR Director!” as part of my identity and admitting to not having a job when asked – that’s an area that will continue to humble me but one that also many open up some neat conversations. I know that there is a chance this IVF round doesn’t work – and then we will need to rely on Christ even more to carry us to whatever steps may be next. (But I am thinking positively that this is OUR cycle!!!)

TTC isn’t easy. It isn’t for the weak and it certainly has tested us in ways we never imagined. But there is such a blessing in trials and hardships, reminding our proud selves of our humanity and making it easier to let go when called.