weight.

October 26, 2012Leave a comment

Weight.

Ah, a 6 letter word that makes everyone lean in a little closer. A vulnerable word, right? Who wants to talk about weight? Their weight at least. Talking about someone else’s weight is usually a little bit more intriguing. We read about it in tabloids, google pictures of the latest “FAT CELEBRITY WITH CELLULITE”, judgingly watch E! News hoping to find out if that new mom REALLY lost all her baby weight in 4 days. People are advocating for healthier weights, more realistic models, and it tends to be a trending topic on “news” websites all the time.

So when I mention “weight”, you are interested right? Ohhh, what’s she gonna say? Well, I am going to talk about MY WEIGHT. Ohhh, now its really getting good, right!?

Weight has been a struggle of mine for a while. Partially because I love food and partially because I hate exercise. I have done the “ups and downs” with my weight for many years post high school. Up a little in college, down a little for the wedding, up a lot after the wedding, down a lot a few years later, then slowly back up and up. I know bad/slow metabolism is a symptom of PCOS due to the prevalence of insulin resistance. In fact, recent studies done by the US Department of Health and Human Services say that 70% of women with PCOS struggle with obesity. So, no, that’s not an excuse to be overweight but certainly a difficult factor to hurdle.

Anyways, in 2007 I lost about 45 pounds and felt great. Then I started working and stress became heightened. I slowly forgot about healthy, balanced eating and would get to those “10 lbs” next month. It added up. My doctors tried Metformin for about a year, which helps women with PCOS regulate their insulin but my body was resistant to it and it didn’t help me. What I really needed to do was make a lifestyle change but stress, work, and my love for food (mmmm) made it avoidable.

I think the slow weight gain became a reality check for me last November. In September 2011 Josh and I had been referred away from our doctor since we ran out of options through her. She referred us to a few infertility clinics and we made an appointment with one right away. Of course the time to get in was nearly 8 weeks. We waited patiently for our November consultation. Filled out the paperwork. Had charts sent over, etc. The day before the appointment the nurse called and left a voicemail asking me to call her back. When I returned her call, she sounded nervous which immediately made me nervous, certain she would say they reviewed our charts and our case was hopeless. What she said instead was that after reviewing our charts, the doctor said I was too fat to be seen there. Ok, so she phrased it a little nicer, stating that “My BMI is not in the “normal” range and until I lost 25-30 pounds, the doctor would not consult with us.” The message was loud and clear. And it immediately made me feel like I was to blame for not being able to have a child up until that point. (Of course, when I was thinner, we still couldn’t conceive so I know that’s not entirely the truth.). Regardless, it stung – really bad. I was really mad! Who is that doctor to say that I was too fat to have a child!? (Later, in talking with some other nurses not from that clinic, it became apparent that the more ideal candidates he selects for IVF, the higher his success percentage is so it wasn’t personal, it was business. Still, rude.)

That call made me realize that I had to do something. Granted, I don’t feel like I have ever been “obese”. But I have been overweight and had to do something about it. In all my reading, studies say that if a woman can lose even 5-10% of her body weight, it can increase her fertility odds nearly 50%.

I sulked for a bit. A good couple weeks. Until my sister decided she would snap me out of my funk and help me get started on the South Beach phase 1 diet. She literally would package almonds for me, divide little containers with cottage cheese, write out my meal plan for the week. It was exactly what I needed to jump start myself and have accountability. I started on December 18, 2011. I took the holidays “off” which I pre-gave myself permission to do so I actually started on 12/18 and didn’t just delay. Then back on for the beginning of the year. I did good the first 5-6 months and plateau-ed a bit in the summer (ok, gained 10 pounds back). But, as shared in a previous blog, knew I needed to hit it full force September on.

It’s not easy! I don’t have a special, magic diet I follow. I try to eat better. To have breakfast or drink my calories with a Starbucks. A salad with protein for lunch and a normal, balanced dinner. I drink a lot of water. I take a lot of vitamins. I try to walk more but still can’t get myself to consistently exercise. But it’s paying off.

2 weeks ago was the one of the first times someone noticed – they shyly asked me in the breakroom at work if I lost weight. It was such a good feeling! Then another person, and another. Then at my yearly physical, the doctor congratulated me on the weight loss. My clothes are fitting better. People are noticing. I am sleeping better, feel more energetic and am wearing pants I haven’t worn in a while. It’s lovely.

This morning was a momentous one – when I weighed myself, not only did I hit my 10 lb loss for the month a week early, but I also hit my 50 lb weight loss since that “start” day December 18, 2011. I can’t imagine myself weighing 50 pounds more, I am not really sure if I was blinded to the weight or what. Either way, it’s a milestone!

(Now please – I am being REALLY vulnerable here. I respectfully ask that you don’t go through old Facebook pictures of me trying to find my “fat” days or overly scrutinize me now. I am not saying I am “skinny”, I am saying I am getting healthier. It’s tempting to go look, but please, this is humiliating enough! Also, don’t judge my Thankful pictures of pizza or hot dogs, or an instagram photo of French Silk pie. I am not 100% perfect and allowing myself occasional indulgence has really helped me stay on track. So the point is – no cruelly intended stalking or judging. Got that?)

With all that said – weight – it’s tough! I know I am likely going to gain some weight back while on the hormone treatments. I have been told to anticipate up to 15 lbs. My goal is to never see my starting weight again though, even 9 months pregnant. To continue with the healthy eating. To not be afraid to have a cheat meal, as it’s what keeps me sane. To try to start exercising more. And to get into “those” pair of jeans.

On a completely different note – keep us in your prayers as Monday is our last nurse/doctor consult! We will get our personalized “recipe book” based on all our test results. We will get our prescription doses and begin to shop around for the best rates. We get the timeline, pay the full balance, and are on our way. I also have an appointment that afternoon to have a trial transfer done. Education materials explain that as “an important tool for the reproductive endocrinologist in preparation for an IVF cycle. In the trial transfer, we mimic the actual embryo transfer by passing a soft catheter into the uterine cavity to determine the angle and depth of the uterus, and to help discover if there is any difficulty in doing so in advance. This allows us to “map out” an appropriate path for the actual embryo transfer so that this procedure is done as smoothly easily as possible.” So that sounds like a fun afternoon, hehe. But please pray that both appointments go well! We are so excited about all of this and trust that God is in control.

I close with a section of a Proverbs 31 devotional I read this morning: “Perhaps you feel overwhelmed today. You may be experiencing some sadness, loss or worry. You may find that God has called you to a difficult path. “Surely,” you think, “God has an easier road for me to travel.” The truth is, we aren’t wise enough to assume another path would be best for us. Maybe the easier road won’t make us into the person God intends us to be. Perhaps the difficult road is a path of grace—protecting us from the worst. Maybe this road is about learning something new about God or ourselves. Could it be the difficult journey is the path that prepares us for a greater purpose or a greater faith in God? Out of all the possible paths, God knows the best path. Our key verse reminds us, “His ways are higher than our ways. His thoughts are higher than our thoughts.” Because of this, we can take the path God has laid out for us today. We can trust, and not fear, in His infinite wisdom and love. And we can be certain that God will never lead us down the wrong road.”

I know this to be true. God has us exactly on the road we are supposed to be on. We are learning more about Him and ourselves every passing day. We are prepared to face this next IVF road, knowing that this is the road laid out for us. Trust. Not fear. What a blessing that is.

what i “know”

October 15, 2012October 15, 2012Leave a comment

For the last 50 or so months, I have blamed every ounce of forgetfulness, word twists, and confusion on “the pills”. “Oh gosh, these hormones!” or “It’s these dumb pills I am on! Makes me so forgetful!”. Now that I am off the majority of “the pills”, I am realizing I really am just forgetful/clumsy with words. I say the wrong words a lot. And I actually may be worse off the hormones than I was on them.

For example:

(In the kitchen at the cabin, talking to my mother-in-law)

C: Huh? Can you repeat your sandwich?

MIL: Huh?

C: Can you repeat your sandwich?

MIL: What?

C: Oh, I think I am saying sandwich. I meant sentence.

At work, while typing http://www.panera.com

C: Why isn’t Pandora pulling up!?!

Typing in http://www.panera.com

C: Is something wrong with my computer? Is someone playing a joke on me?

Retyping in http://www.panera.com

C: Ohhhhh, never mind.

In the kitchen, talking to Josh

C: Dinner will be ready in 240 minutes.

J: Huh?

C: Dinner will be ready in 240 minutes.

J: 240 minutes?

C: Yes

J: 240 minutes?

C: Oh. I meant 10 minutes. I don’t know why I said 240.

In the line at Starbucks

C: I’ll have a venti cinnamon dolce latte, no foam, extra hot. Double cupped.

What I meant to say: I’ll have a venti cinnamon dolce latte. Non-fat, no whip, extra hot.

I have no idea at all where the no foam and the double cups thing came from. No idea. I was really confused when I drank a big sip of whip cream. (Although it was delicious and I clearly have been missing out.)

In a restaurant, talking to a waitress

C: I’ll be fine with this iced Sprite.

W: You want a Sprite?

C: No, I am fine with this iced Sprite.

W: You don’t have Sprite.

C: Oh. I meant my iced water. I don’t want a Sprite. I am fine with my water.

I could continue. And these are only incidents within the last few days. It’s crazy! What is going on with my brain!?! The good thing is that the people around me laugh (with the exception of the waitress who just thinks I am crazy). But it’s frustrating! I don’t know why the words aren’t coming out right. Have I always been this bad??

I couldn’t sleep on Saturday night. I spent several hours watching Guiliana and Bill on DVR and couldn’t stop thinking about IVF. (Sidenote: I just LOVE Guiliana and Bill! Honestly, their positivity throughout trials, determination, and authenticity with their struggles … I just hope I can have a tenth of her good attitude throughout all of this!)

Continuing, as I thought about IVF, I felt prepared. I felt like I knew what was going to happen. I read the books. I talked to the doctors. I researched. But with IVF processes so fresh on my mind, I decided to dabble in the online world just to “confirm” what I knew. Eck. Not a good idea. 2+ hours later, several blogs and articles read – I closed my browser and took a deep breath.

Here’s the thing:

I knew I would be swollen from the meds. I didn’t know my ovaries would swell to the size of grapefruits, causing aching and making it so I could “feel my ovaries jiggles as I walk.” (Their words, not mine). Oh yes, and every blogger stated that they looked 4-6 months pregnant during the stimulation process. Whoa.

I knew the meds would be a lot. But after seeing pictures people had taken of their table and fridge stocked with meds, my eyes popped out! I could open a pharmacy. All of that has to go in me? Mostly through a needle? Please no.

I knew I would be moody and have to work on controlling my moods. I didn’t know quite the extreme of irritability, mood swings and waves of emotions that would come with it. Even those who sounded extremely sane while blogging pre-IVF made my jaw drop when I saw the rage and crankiness pour on the page while on meds. Someone, PLEASE, keep me in check!

I knew the multiple shots in the same area day after day would be painful. What I didn’t know was the extent of the bruising, swelling, and bricks that form under the skin. I had no idea it would be that painful. Ice bag please?

In the end, what I realized was that I am not going to and will never really know everything about IVF before it starts. But I do know that this is the right decision for Josh and I. And I know that this is the path that God has laid out of us. I know He will continue to be faithful in providing us with support, encouragement, love and laughs. And that there are some things I will have to learn for myself along the way. That’s where your prayers come in really handy. And your grace to put up with me on the days where my words are scrambled, my moods are difficult to anticipate, and my emotions are a bit much. What would I do without you guys??

q & a

October 3, 2012October 3, 2012Leave a comment

Alright, this posting is dedicated to a Q & A of frequently asked questions I am getting …. I love chatting with people so don’t let this hinder you from asking similar questions, but here’s a one stop shop of details.

Q: How are you doing?

A: I am good. : – ) I think having the end of August and last month “off” gave me a chance to really decompress all that’s been going on. It’s been a little harder than I imagined, as sometimes time “off” gives you too much time to think. But I think it’s all been healthy time to process and unwind from what’s been a busy last year/few years. Sometimes in this process, you are so busy going from one cycle day to the next, one checklist and medical treatment to the other, that you lose track and forgot about giving yourself time to grieve the difficulties as well. So this has been a healthy break, but I am also ready for my brain to be pre-occupied again.

Q: When does your leave start? Are you still working right now?

A: Yes, I am still working currently! My leave officially begins on November 19^th and will go through January 2^nd. I am busy getting ready for that leave of absence now!

Q: Are you on any medication right now?

A: Yep! It’s kind of bizarre but in order for you to prep for IVF, they have you start on birth control pills to begin the ovary suppression progress. Of course many women are on birth control pills and it’s a totally normal med to be on. My body is taking some time to adjust to it, as it regularly provides different hormones to my body than I am used to dealing with. But I am feeling good. I will be on these for about 5-6 weeks as we get ready for the “real” meds to start.

Q: How do you stay so strong?

A: I don’t, always. :) Some days are tough. But I have an amazing support system around me and my relationship with Christ gets me through the most difficult days. But I do have pouty tantrums. I do feel really discouraged at times. And I do let myself cry. But at the end of the day, for me, it’s about picking myself back up and moving forward with my head held high.

Q: What’s one of the most helpful things someone said to you?

A: It’s actually something my sister-in-law Monica said to me once. (And I don’t even know that she knew how helpful it was for me!). She told me that it was okay to for me to put my chin down because she was holding hers up for me. It felt like I was given permission to be sad and that it was okay. And that some days, those around me are the ones that have to be strong for me. I still think about that to this day and just love the thought, meaning, and promise behind it.

Q: Is it hard for you to be around babies and kids?

A: Nope! I truly feel like this is a special ability God has granted me with. I was thinking about this the other day and I believe a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don’t know differently. Meaning, this process has taken me so long and I have seen SO many women get pregnant, have their 1^st, 2^nd, 3^rd child … been to more baby showers than I can count and celebrated an enormous amount of pregnancies each year…to carry that sadness with me to each pregnancy would be too exhausting. Knowing how hard it can be to get pregnant, I have nothing but joy for those who conceive a child, knowing that THAT is the baby THEY are supposed to have.

Q: What can I do? I feel like a broken record just telling you I am praying for you.

A: Keep up the prayers! Truthfully there is nothing I expect anyone to do. I always appreciate encouragement – texts, calls, emails, cards … those touch me in a very special way. I was watching Parenthood last week (LOVE THAT SHOW!) and one of the characters was talking about a support system when someone goes through something tough, like cancer or a sickness. She said at first, everyone is so supportive, gathers around you, encourages, prays, helps in many ways … and then it gets old and they drop off. It isn’t “new” anymore. That can be the case with infertility too. It feels like a broken record of “not this month … again!”. The disappointment doesn’t get easier though so the continued thoughts mean SO much. And if you ever feel like “doing” something – come over with a good movie, a fancy drink and some Chinese take-out and just be with me. Just having someone that listens to my word vomit is incredibly helpful, no matter what season!

Q: What are you doing for yourself to prep for IVF?

A: One of my main concerns right now is continuing to get at and be at a healthy weight. On September 4^th, I set a goal for myself to lose 25 pounds by November 18^th. Totally possible for me with some real dedication. It equals about 10 pounds a month for Sept and October and 5 pounds in November. This morning, the 3^rd, I hit my 10 pound mark for the last month. YEAH! I know that being healthy, eating right, and taking care of myself is one of the best things I can do for myself right now.

So with that said, maybe I should correct my above answer re: Chinese take-out and say a salad.

Q: Are you watching Revenge?

A: Um, YES! I love that show! And Grey’s Anatomy, Vampire Diaries, Parenthood (as referenced above), America’s Next Top Model on occasion and whatever other show I can fit in. Although singing competitions have fallen off my list this year. Sorrrrrrry #The Voice lovers.

Q: What’s been your favorite verse throughout all this?

A: I have a couple:

Philippians 4:6 “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.”

James 1:2-4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

Isaiah 41:10 “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”

Q: What’s your favorite thing about fall?

A: Easy. Boots, scarves, and pumpkin spiced lattes.

Enjoy your day my friends! Thanks for stopping by. : – )

empathy sucks.

September 28, 20122 Comments

The other day I cut myself while shaving my legs. Granted it was that tough spot around the ankle and I was using a disposable razor, but still, I felt like I was 14 years old again. As I watched the blood trail dribble down my foot, I thought about how long it had been since I nicked myself like that. When did I grow up? These last few years have launched me further and further into adulthood. And each of the issues that surround me lately feels so “adultish”. When did people start getting sick? Having their first, second, third child? Struggle in their marriage? Deal with depression and anxiety? Worry about foreclosure and not being able to pay the bills? Die, by chance or by choice? How did I miss the transition from worrying about what to wear to the mall and what shape to fold a note in, to dealing with my 100^th doctor’s appointment and what the best payment method would be for IVF. I feel like my life has been a blink these past few years.

Earlier, I stumbled across an email I received over two and a half years ago. I was searching for something in my inbox and found a message my sister sent me back in 2010:

… I know that God is going to strengthen your patience in this time… I KNOW little Courtney Jr. (hehe) is going to come at the right time and place. I’m sure it’s frustrating and confusing – but God is faithful to the end. So faithful. Psalm 34:10 “…those who SEEK the Lord lack no good thing.” Keep seeking him, Chels. He hears your heart.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.
(Isaiah 55:8-11 ESV)

So what God is doing in your life right now, this season of waiting and praying, it’s all for his purpose, it will not return to him without doing his will. So many times I have walked through a hard, confusing, season of waiting – but the joy of it all is that when someone else is going through the same thing, I can relate, listen, talk to, and be there for. He is building your character right now. You are such a light, and I cannot wait for this joy to be brought into your life!

After reading it I paused, reflecting on the date. I cringed at my own nativity of my own timeline of when our prayers would be answered. I reflected on the words of encouragement, so grateful for the consistency in them over the years. The kind thoughts, the verses, the reminder to keep chugging. But this is tough. I am getting impatient. I am losing momentum.

I’m having a tough month. But this time, it’s not entirely my own issues that are weighing me down. My heart is weighed down by the sadness and circumstances going on in my friends and families lives. I struggle to be a good friend. I feel like there is so much going on around me right now, so many problems, struggles, requests, so much sadness … and I can’t help everyone. I feel pulled in 70 different directions, not being able to support anyone well. I am dabbling with little bits of prayers for everyone – trying to prioritize who needs a meal, which friend needs a card, who needs a call or coffee date. Who needs silence and who needs a partner. I feel completely drained, like I have nothing to offer anyone anymore. I was hoping these last few days away on a work trip was going to give me the ability to “recoup” and catch up on things, but instead, I was exhausted from the conference, tired from the travels, physically still dealing with all the hormonal changes going on. I didn’t return calls. I didn’t reply to emails or texts. I didn’t blog. I just feel like I am letting so many people down right now.

One of my Strengthfinder Top 5 strengths is Empathy and while its defined in that assessment as a “strength” I have found it to be one of my biggest weaknesses and one I need to figure out how to reign in. I am empathizing to the point of taking it all on my shoulders and struggling to carry it all. I had a mentor tell me this last week that I need to ask myself “Do I own it or do they?” I am still working on deciphering that without feeling like I am failing those around me.

And then I am struggling with feeling like I am being shut out by some. Not intentionally I don’t think. I truly think because so many people are going through so much, the natural instinct isn’t to reach out to others. So I am left feeling like I am trying to help, trying to connect, trying to carry and share a burden, while others are pulling away, trying themselves to stay afloat. As a result, I feel like I have done something wrong. I am not a good enough friend. I have offended them in some way. I just feel like an utter failure. I don’t have enough of me to go around. And then I think about starting this next stage in our TTC journey – in fact, taking my first “IVF prep” pill tonight – and how I am doing a really lousy job of taking care of ME right now. And that’s not right either.

In a nutshell, I’m feeling overwhelmed. I am sad for situations others are going through. I am trying to help them, but also need to start focusing on myself more too. I need support but don’t know where some of my biggest allies went. I just hope life gets easier …. Wishful thinking, right?

break.

September 16, 2012Leave a comment

Apparently this “taking a break” month has accidently including taking a break from blogging … whoops! Clearly my intentions are not to leave you without a post for over 2 weeks … yikes. I have to say, these last 4 weeks have gone by FAST. The idea of having a “break” was a big relief. I felt like after a long summer, it was nice to have permission to regroup, take some time off of medications and counting days, and just be.

Easier said than done!

For the last 3 weeks, I have felt more out of sync physically than I had when I was on meds. I hadn’t realized how much adrenaline, drive and energy my body was using to get me through each cycle. So when I didn’t need to have that – I crashed! When I stopped the TTC mentality, the exhaustion kicked in. My hormones went crazy without something supplementing and maintaining them. My body didn’t know how to react without the stresses and “busy-ness” of a cycle. I felt fried. It’s like that week after college finals where you just want to sleep and not have any sort of conversation that requires energy. I had so much invested into every day that stopping it cold turkey left me quite a bit more exhausted and confused that I thought. But, 4 weeks later, I finally am starting to feel like myself again. My energy is picking back up. My brain feels less foggy. I have shaken off the TTC residue. My hormones are still out of whack – dealing with breakouts and mood swings like a 16 year old is fun – but I am somewhat used to the highs and lows of hormone inconsistencies. Regardless, the excitement that is building up for Josh and I as we get ready for this winter is indefinable.

So where does that leave us today? Well, as many of you know, we had our first IVF class last Thursday. It was incredibly helpful to sit in a room, in front of a doctor, who is walking several couples through the step by step process of IVF. I am a reader – so getting the books, pamphlets, forms and “recipe book of prescriptions” (as the doctor called it), helped me understand it better. The lecture was great for Josh to absorb the information audibly. We walked away feeling just as excited as we had when we walked in, if not more.

IVF cycles are broken down into the following stages:

Consultation and Classes
Testing
Suppression
Stimulation
Egg Retrieval
Embryo Transfer
Pregnancy Test

We currently are halfway through the 1^st step, having done the consultation and the first class. We have to go to a Shot Teaching class soon, as well as have our 1-1 nursing consult to obtain specific details for Josh and I. We also are jumping into the second step, as they are done simultaneously. The testing phase is different for each couple depending on what they have done previously. Luckily for us, a lot of the testing has already been completed as we have worked through this journey. The testing phase is minimal for me as I simply will need to go through a trial transfer in October (more to come on that then) and Josh has to go through some blood work and a few assessments that will let us know which type of sperm penetration the lab will use. Then, early October, I will start meds that will allow me to begin the Suppression stage.

It doesn’t feel like a lot. Truthfully, even looking down at 40+ pages in front of me, it all makes sense. I am grateful for the clarity and understanding that I have been able to obtain and retain from all the learning I have been doing. I think that has been an answer to prayer. : )

Sitting in the IVF class on Thursday night made my heart incredibly sad. I looked around the room at others in our same situation, some far worse off, dealing with complications far more difficult than ours. Women who spoke of their multiple miscarriages when asking about increased risk with IVF, wives that have to get donor sperm because their husbands have an issue, women whose bodies are misshapen and reject the embryo, where age/weight/health risks add additional stress to this journey. I couldn’t help but wonder how many of them felt alone in their journey; how many of them had people praying for them throughout it; how many of them had a third party involved in the voyage – Christ carrying their burden. I heard couples snapping at one another, the tension and reality of where they were leading to a breaking point. Women asking questions I would never think to ask because their story has been far more complications.

Psalm 38:6, 8 NLT says “I am bent over and racked with pain. All day long I walk around filled with grief. I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart.” I know each of those women have cried out in pain. Have felt the burning in their heart as it fills with confusion, pain, hurt. But what makes my heart ache is that many of the women don’t know verse 9, “You know what I long for, Lord; you hear my every sigh.” What is it like to not have a relationship with God, to not know that He is there to lean on through this? To not know, in full confidence, that He does hear our every sigh? To not know that He is deeply nestled in the longing of our heart? God has stirred my soul with love and empathy for my fellow TTC friends and I ask you all, to join me in praying for them – for those who don’t know they have a Father to lean on – and for those who are weak to pray at all.

Now, I promise to not be so bad about blogging! And I promise that not everything will be about IVF and TTC. Now, I am off for a date night with Josh – trying a new restaurant downtown and then off to see Jason Mraz in concert! Those who know me well, know trying new restaurants and Jason Mraz are both in my top five favorite things, so it will be a good night.

Have a great week!

forgiveness.

September 1, 2012Leave a comment

The sweet aroma of doing nothing is quite nice. I am not counting cycle days, not on any medications, not running to Minneapolis for tests. This month ….. there is silence. It’s lovely. So what that means is …

Josh and I are officially moving forward with IVF.

(Still can’t believe I am actually typing that – feels a bit surreal.)

Because of this, and our timeline, we get to have the entire month of September “off”. We are excited and hopeful as this next season approaches us. When the nurse called me to go over the plan, I felt nothing but excitement and adrenaline. It of course is far more complicated than I can put into a blog, at least right now. The future holds a lot of “stuff” as we work our way through the stages of prep. Classes on the process, sessions on how to give shots, prescriptions to be ordered, money to put down, blood to be drawn…but at the end, God willing, we will be able to celebrate a new life.

October will bring for us a mild stage of preparation, 2 different prescriptions, both I have already been on at some point. November is when the fun begins, mid month, when the ovary suppression meds start. Early December is when the process is at its most intense as the stimulation process takes place. We are looking at an egg retrieval surgery mid December, followed by an embryo transfer 3-5 days later. All in all, we will have an answer by the end of the year.

As I pray on all of this, these verses from Philippians 3 keep jumping into my mind: “…but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.” For me right now, the verse has two takeaways – the first, I believe is God’s gentle reminder to let go of the failed cycles behind us and look forward to what lies ahead of us. I feel encouragement to continue to press on with no regrets to reach the end of this race. While I know this verse speaks more about the eternal race, I am grateful that God has used this verse to give me that adrenaline boost I need.

The second takeaway is that of the spiritual context of eternity. When I think about how much “pressing on” we have been doing with TTC, it makes me stop and question how much “pressing on” we as believers do in our daily lives. Am I as committed to pressing on to what God has called me to do as I am with having a child? It’s a convicting thought. One of the things I love about this is, though, is how it starts: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. I love this gentle reminder to Forget the past. Let go of it. Move forward.

In all of the books on infertility that I read, there always are a few chapters dedicated specifically to the question of “Am I being punished?” I think that many women TTC struggle with this, searching for a reason of “why” when the doctors are telling us there is no reason we shouldn’t be getting pregnant. We cycle through everything we have every done, was it this? Was it that? Even throughout the Bible we see women anguishing and wondering if God was using barrenness as a punishment. I think that question is extremely common. While I am not going to drag this into a big theological debate, I do want to say this, especially to those TTC and having the “Am I being punished?” questions – Take God at His word. If you have confessed to Him, asked for forgiveness, then take the forgiveness He has offered you. I mean it. Don’t think that God’s grace comes with a spiritual formula that may or may not include a clause for that sin. Abortions. Or drug use. Or emotional or physical affairs outside of marriage. A wild past. Carelessness in relationships. Lies that have been spoken. Images that have been looked at. Whatever it is – take Him at His word. His grace extends to you. Don’t let your past imprison you and cause you to carry burdens on your heart. This journey is difficult enough! If you are questioning whether infertility is a punishment, I plead with you to take some quiet time and accept the forgiveness and let it go.

In a devotional this week, this verse was shared from a song (by Morgan Cryar) and I love it:

The heaviest thing you’ll carry
Is a load of guilt and shame.
You were never meant to bear them
So let them go in Jesus’ name.
Our God is slow to anger
Quick to forgive our sin
So let Him put them under the blood.
Don’t bring them up again.

Closing out that topic, I read a great paragraph from Hannah’s Hope that I wanted to share: “While I cannot find a theological basis to say that God is punishing you through infertility, I cannot discount the possibility that, as He did in my own life, He may desire to use your time of testing to reveal heart issues that still need to be addressed before Him. God often uses trials to get our attention when we need to draw closer to Him…Do not become so caught up in an ongoing quest to discover “hidden sin” that this pursuit becomes an end in itself.” Hang in there ladies – receive that forgiveness and enjoy your fellowship with God. It’s certainly a journey of my own I have had to walk through. Forgiving yourself and putting down guilt and shame – not easy stuff! But possible. And more freeing that you can imagine.

Alright, it’s all a lot – it really is. When I think about how intense the end of the year will be, I feel like a sports player going into the last quarter of a big game. (Ok, let’s be honest, I don’t do sports, so I am not really sure what that feels like. A better example would be feeling like a book-worm getting amped up for the last Harry Potter book to be released at midnight.)

I am BLESSED that work has agreed to allow me a personal leave of absence for this entire process beginning mid-November. The freedom of not having to worry about coordinating doctor’s appointments, side effects, hormone surges, shots, mood swings, etc around a busy work life is one of the biggest blessings. My gratitude goes out to my company and my co-workers who will be doing all they can to make sure that this process is smooth for me.

At this point, I am switching my mind towards self-care and mental, emotion, spiritual, and physical prep. (Which will all be highlights of upcoming blog posts). We appreciate all the continued prayers, support, encouragement, and hopeful stories you are all sharing with us! We hope they continue throughout this next stages as we will need them more than ever.

Lastly – if you want to follow my blog and receive email updates when new postings are made, look to the bottom right hand side of the screen (if you are reading on a desktop.) Click “+Follow” and sign up to be on the email list. (I don’t think you can do this on the iPhone). Or, if you have a story to share yourself or are requesting prayers, I would love to hear from you! Since not everyone has Facebook or my email, please feel free to send me a message trialsbringjoy@gmail.com. I would love to talk to you!

Hope you all have a blessed, safe, and FUN Labor Day weekend!

fear.

August 20, 20126 Comments

My words aren’t flowing out of my brain well today. They are getting trapped in the sadness of my brain as the reality of another failed month sets in. I truthfully never anticipate the feelings of sadness that inevitably come after an unsuccessful month.

Throughout this whole TTC progress, which has felt like a lifetime, I don’t think I ever truly thought it would come down to IVF. I always felt like there would be some answer to prayer before it that would give us success without having to use the last option. So when the reality is that we have to play our final card, I am somewhat shocked. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. I have heard the stories of how difficult the IVF process is. I know how expensive it is. I hear how physically draining and painful it is. I heard the stories of the miscarriages and negative results. And now, with the reality of all that looming, all I feel is incredible fear.

Not fear of the pain. Or the financial drain. Or the process itself. I fear the chances that it will not be successful. I fear the pain of it not working out. I feel anxious when I think about the pity of those around me and the thought of that overwhelms me. I hate the thought of people reading this who say things that are hurtful to me. Those who continue to think they know better than me and Josh in our process. I feel like after so many months and years of failure, that my heart feels like a glass ornament and it can’t handle being dropped one more time.

I don’t know how to express this panic that I don’t know what lies ahead. I am suddenly doubting everything I thought I knew, wondering if the peace that was there about this process was real. I am scared at the thought of the future, saddened by our present reality, and worried about the unknowns.

Despite all that – I still don’t question the “why”. I know that there is a plan and a purpose for it. Regardless of what that is, I believe it and trust God in it. This may sound morbid, but as I was driving with Josh the other day, I looked over at him and felt an overwhelming sense of joy and happiness for my relationship with him. And I thought about how blessed we are to have so much time together as a couple, that this unending trial brings us closer and closer together. God’s goodness in all of this is so evident to me that I could never question the “why”. As horrible as it sounds, I thought Maybe God knows that I will not survive the childbirth. Maybe this is all His way of allowing me to enjoy more time with those around me, with my Josh, with my family and friends. I know it sounds so morbid, but it was such a glimpse of the reality of the things I don’t know. And it makes me thankful for each day I have, even if the only baby our family has is a furbaby (Awww, Cali.)

We are waiting for more information from our doctor now. We have a class to take, forms to fill out, dollars to save and prayers to be prayed. What I ask of you is this – to pray for us to have 100%, complete peace that this is our next journey. That God would make it abundantly clear whether this is the route for us to take or not. That my fear be dissolved. That my strength be heightened. That our hearts be healed from the past and made hopeful for the future. That those surrounding us would have the words to say, the encouragement to give, and the understanding of the delicacy of the emotions in this process.

“When you pass through the waters, God will be with you and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” (Isaiah 43:2)

perspective.

August 14, 20122 Comments

I love when I find things that change my perspective. When I hear things that nudge me and redirect me. I heard a podcast by Pastor Craig Groeschel and wanted to paraphrase it today (and include some direct quotes of course, being that I can get kind of wordy. Hehe).

We have been talking about our Thing through the course of this blog. My Thing is struggling with infertility. Your Thing could be many things – maybe it’s a struggling marriage that seems hopeless. Maybe it’s being single and wanting to find your soul mate. Maybe it’s a frustration with a friend who is fighting an addiction. Maybe it’s losing weight or finding your larger purpose. Maybe it’s your graduate program or your children who are more challenge than “normal”. Or fighting to pay the bills each month, a lost job, a scary diagnosis, a recent death or a temptation that seems more than we can handle. We all have something, don’t we? And to us, it feels like it’s our whole world. Or at least mentally consuming most of the time. I have been challenged with the idea of perspective and want to bring it to this forum.

We all have a Thing and don’t understand the “why”. Why isn’t our Thing different? Why is this the season I am going through? Here’s the thing to keep in mind – God always has a Why behind the Thing. “God is not a God that wastes a hurt. God’s ways are higher than our ways; His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. He is good through and through. He is in control. He can take what the enemy meant for evil and our God is so good that He can turn an attack into something good. He can take a trial and turn it into something that develops a character in you. He can build your faith in difficult times. He is working in all things to make it into something good.”

I don’t have to understand the Why to trust God in the midst of the Thing.

Instead of asking “Why”, ask “Now What?”

I don’t know what going on in your life. And I don’t know the Why. But I trust that God is in it. It’s now moving that question to “What do you want to do with this in my life? What do you want to do in me? How do you want to use this?” Tough questions. But life changing answers.

I never asked to struggle with infertility. I have had to do my best at asking God to take these obstacles – whether they are a failed month, depressing test results, or icky side effects – and use it, SOMEHOW, for a chance for Him to be glorified. “Let God take our set-backs, and changes them into set-ups for Him to make a difference.” I heard the quote earlier that said “My prison can become His pulpit.” God takes the things we would never chose and specializes in using those things for His glory. You may not see it right now, but I believe He IS changing our perspective.

“Our test that we endure today could be the testimony that we tell tomorrow.” (LOVE THAT!)

Throughout Pastor Groeschel’s sermon, I did a lot of head nodding. It was a message I needed to be re-reminded of. And I hope it’s helped you take your Thing and put it into perspective.

Josh and I have what feels like ages of more waiting to do this month. Is it bad if I say the waiting isn’t bothering me? I have a lot of peace about whatever the outcomes are, but I think the fact that we have a next step plan helps a lot mentally too. The waiting time may still be double digits but I figure I should be basking in the shot-free, hot flash free remainder of the month. (Plus having a birthday included in that waiting time makes the time pass much faster.) As always, your prayers mean so much to both Josh and I.

Let’s switch gears and talk about a few random things. Just go with me here – it’s the way my brain works:

I would like to learn the High School Musical We’re All in This Together dance. I missed this boat in High School and think it’s appropriate for a 26 year old (almost 27) to learn it for fun. My kids one day will be so proud. Anyone want to join me?
Ever since my aunt and cousins were in town and brought with them delicious homemade chocolate chip cookies, I can’t stop thinking about them! Anyone have a good chocolate chip cookie recipe to share?
I’m slightly relieved that the Olympics are over so I can go back to normal sleeping habits. And the Spice Girls reunion ‘totally rocked my face off’. (decade appropriate phrase)
My favorite Starbucks beverage is a non-fat, extra hot, no whip Cinnamon Dolce latte with an extra shot of espresso. I really could go for one of those right now. If it’s hot outside, I’ll get an iced coffee, sweetened, light ice with cream or a Passion tea lemonade, sweetened. YUM!

Hope you have a great week my friends!

distracted.

August 7, 2012Leave a comment

I’m a little behind.

Not only in blogging, but in lots of things. My lists are going untouched. I just keep adding to them. Isn’t summer supposed to be a relaxing time of catching up and crossing things off the To-Do list? Eck. I blame the Olympics for the most part. Can someone whisk me away to a secluded room for a while, take away my cell phone, turn off the TV and pause life for a day? That would be great.

But back to the task at hand – blogging about what’s going on in our lives.

Well, since I last wrote, we had quadruplets, I dyed my hair red, and our apple trees are taller than 4 feet.

I kid. Those apple trees won’t be ready for about 18 years.

(Maybe I have had too much caffeine today. I clearly can’t keep my thoughts focused.)

Annnnnywayyysssss…..

Josh and I decided that we aren’t going to do another IUI cycle. The more we prayed about it, the less peace we felt about it. It was a mixture of concerns about the lack of success rates with only 1 follicle, paired with the un-covered insurance cost and the knowledge that it would be wiser to save those thousands to put towards IVF. In the end, we decided that we want to proactively plan for an IVF cycle this coming winter (early December). Before one can have an egg retrieval and embryo(s) implanted, it takes about 45-60 days of hormone prep. We did some backwards math that included some continued time to save, paired with life activities and mental sanity prior to that process and it left us with a few months of “in-between” time. We decided to move forward with 1-2 more cycles of the same medication I have been on the last few months, minus the IUI, but including the shot. It allows us 1-2 months with a “chance” and the cost of those cycles are quite a bit less. (Followed by a med-free month or two — yeah!!)

Of course, this decision had to happen quickly; within 2 days of finding out I wasn’t pregnant we had to know what our next steps were. We are thankful for all the prayers of wisdom and guidance that were prayed out upon us, because we both really feel at peace with our plan.

So I started this cycle and medications about a week and a half ago and worked my way through the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual battle last week. Interestingly enough, each month I seem to be hit with a different reaction to the medication. One month it was physical. (We all remember the pancake cravings.) The next, emotional. (Kleenex with lotion – best thing ever.) Followed by a mixture of the two. (My poor husband.) This month I was hit with a spiritual struggle that is difficult for me to put into words. I felt like my struggles last week were met with silence from God. My prayers seems empty. The words of worship forming on my lips seemed like more of a reaction than a heartfelt cry. I felt spiritually blue. God directed me towards Psalm 13 (NLT) and I felt all I could do is read it as my prayer.

“O LORD, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand? Turn and answer me, O LORD my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die. Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!” Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall. But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the LORD because he is good to me.”

How beautiful is that? Can someone frame that for me? Love it.

We had a busy week with family in town and I know I wasn’t spending as much time in the Word as I should have been. That my mind was distracted and that because I felt like I was met with silence, the act of pursing Him regardless wasn’t a priority. It made me keenly aware of the importance of daily interaction and time with Him. I felt spiritually hungry all week but wasn’t being fed. That disconnect scared me a bit. It reminded me of how exhausting this journey is without him.

Yesterday morning I went in for my follicle check. You can imagine how excited I was to hear that I have not one, or two, but THREE perfectly sized follicles. (I have never had more than one!) And the best lining thus far. Thanks for all your prayers for us this month – they are being answered! (And perhaps we will have triplets. Ron, Harry, and Hermione of course.)

Do you ever have a passage in a book stick out to you and stay in your brain for an extended period of time? Recently I have had a section from Sun Stands Still by Steven Furtick on repeat in my brain. It says “Sometime God has to let the sun go down so that His glory can shine through our lives. The darker it gets in your situation, the brighter God in His goodness and grace can shine through you for the world to see….Listen, no one but you and God really knows what you’re going through right now. But with all my heart, I urge you, trust your heavenly Father. Stand still and see His strength as He fights for you. I heard a wise, older pastor say it this way: ‘Sometimes we get to see the miracle; other times we get to be the miracle.’ In other words, sometimes God’s strength is demonstrated in what He does around us – the external effects of our faith and tangible answers to endue devastating setbacks with remarkable strength.”

Sometimes it feels like the miracle will never come. And that the sun will just keep setting. Even in a month like this one, with hope and optimism, it’s easy for my brain to prepare to wait the 18 days for the sun to set again. My prayer for myself is this – that even when it feels like I am not getting my answer, that I take the opportunity to be the miracle.That I continue to have strength that is remarkable, that I give Him the chance to shine. That I take the focus off of me and continue to put it on Him. Maybe it’s time for you to take your Thing and be okay with being the miracle instead of having the miracle. Let His glory shine and be okay with it not shining the way you intended. Ooof. *gulp* Are we ready for that?

To my fellow friends TTC – I am frequently asked about good Christian book recommendations that I read that are encouraging and helpful in this time. I wanted to share two that I love – Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby by Janet Thompson (clearly one of the more original book titles) and a new one I just picked up last week and haven’t finished yet, but love so far, Hannah’s Hope by Jennifer Saake. I pray that if you are seeking a book on the spiritual struggles and God’s reply to those struggling with infertility, that you look into one of these two great options!

To those who are not TTC but are joining us on this journey – I have been blown away by the support from each of you. Your patience with my untimely posts, your encouraging words, your ability to listen without judgment, and truly, your genuine heart towards Josh and I, has been a beautiful thing. I continue to thank God daily for the gift of each of you in our lives and know that even if you have stumbled upon this blog and don’t know us, that you are likely ministering to someone else in a similar situation. What a blessing you are to them in their lives!

OK – I did it. I managed to not get too sidetracked while writing this. Now my brain has become unfocused again and is darting between deciding if I can muster the energy to wash the dishes (umm), if I should do a load of laundry (I probably am out of laundry soap), or if I should watch the Olympics (duh, winner). Go Team USA!

the grief cycle.

July 26, 2012Leave a comment

“I am so sorry, Chelsea, to leave this message over voicemail, but your blood work results came back negative. Wait a few days and come back in for a baseline ultrasound and we will try again. Thank you.”

The voicemail results this week didn’t come back as a surprise. While we had such hopeful spirits that this was It, the further along the 2WW it got, the more my body began to give me simple signs that this month was not Different. Of course I wish the message surprised me with a positive result, but I am grateful that God gave me the heads up, really, on Sunday, that the message would be what it was. I felt prepared.

The end of another cycle overwhelms me with emotions. I am realizing those emotions are very similar to the stages of grief, which makes sense. We grieve the ending of another month and the child that could have been. We grieve for those around us, who are grieving with us (if that makes sense). We grieve the disappointment. We grieve for the empty room that should be a nursery. The feelings are inevitable.

Sunday:

I am lucky that I didn’t spend too much time, if any in the stage of Shock/Denial. However, I would say my first stage was replaced with the feeling of exhausted frustration. My heart felt weary and I felt more annoyed than angry. “Really!? Again? Now what?” (I am thankful the Bachelorette finale was on (yahoooooo Jef!) because that 3 hour distraction was nice.) I didn’t feel the feeling of devastation, which others would have likely expected. I just felt disappointed.

I saw Dark Knight Rises (great movie by the way) on Sunday and a line Bane said fit my emotions perfectly. It went something like “You can’t feel total devastation unless you have complete hope.” I don’t think this cycle, I allowed myself to feel complete hope to protect myself from the potential feeling of total devastation. So I was just frustrated.

Monday (early morning):

Monday ushered in a completely different set of emotions. Gone was the annoyance and disappointment. It was replaced with anger and guilt. Driving to and from the blood work appointment was the worst. I had yet to have the blood work confirmation results but I just knew. And I was MAD. I have no anger towards God. I have a peace with my Father and know this is all for a reason. My anger was rooted in the simple WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US?? WHY IS THIS PART OF YOUR PLAN? WHY DO WE HAVE TO EXPERIENCE THESE FEELINGS? At one point driving down I-94, I felt like the anger was so deep it was choking me. Sitting in the waiting room, I felt anger for those sitting around me that were smiling. I felt pissed off at the phlebotomist I was assigned because she sucks and never sticks me less than 4 times. I was angry that every other time I go to the CRM (my clinic), it’s such great news, then next appointment, horrible news. I hated the tea selections I was given and was angry that they only offered herbals teas. GIVE ME CAFFEINE! I CAN DRINK IT RIGHT NOW! I AM NOT PREGNANT.

Then driving home, the guilt set in. “What am I not doing right? Is this because of something I have done in my past? Something I have not yet done? Is this a punishment? Is this because there is a lack of faith in God? Did I not have enough hope that He didn’t think I was trusting Him? Is this because I am too self-focused? Is this because I haven’t spent enough time with family? Is this because I won’t be a good mom? Logic has no place in this phase. The tears and self-beat up came. I had crazy conversations in my head.

Monday (late evening):

I was able to cover up my emotions for a work event (during which I received the lovely voicemail) and when I got home at 7-something, I sunk into the depression/despair phase. This phase is a fairly obvious one to go through. I felt down. Like nothing would ever work out. Withdrawn from everyone – not wanting to go on with a normal night. I wanted to stay in bed for a week. I felt miserable. I didn’t want to text people back. I didn’t want to make phone calls. I didn’t want to cook dinner. I wanted to sleep – so I did.

Tuesday:

Ahhh, bring in the phase of acceptance. The morning was more of a numb feeling, but the acceptance came. I accept that this is my cross to carry. That I can either stew in the feelings of Monday or I can pick myself up, brush off my shoulders, take a deep breath and say “Alright, I deal with infertility. I am equipped with every strength I need to deal with this.” I have an incredible husband and partner through this and we are fighting the good fight. We all have our crosses that we have to carry – this is mine, but you have yours too. Single and looking for your prince? Dealing with a more serious illness, like cancer? Struggling in a marriage? Sending out resume after resume to find a job? These struggles are evidence that we will face trials of many kinds. God reminds me “I have carefully mapped out every inch of your journey…expect to find trouble in this day. At the same time, trust the My way is perfect, even in the midst of such messy imperfection…Let the Holy Spirit guide you step by step, protecting you from unnecessary trials and equipping you to get through whatever must be endured.” (Jesus Calling)

Wednesday and Thursday:

My hope is back. Josh and I have a plan in place that we feel very comfortable about and a lot of God-given peace with. We will head back to the doctor on Friday and share more details next week. However, through the ups and downs of this week, I am thankful for the love and support of those close to me that knew what was going on. I am grateful I was able to claim and experience each stage of my grief. It’s tough – each monthly attempt and cycle brings a mini grief cycle with it. It’s hard to move completely away from each stage because it’s constantly repeating. I can see why people give up. The pain is tough. The overlap of emotions is tough to deal with. I am exhausted. But the stages get shorter. And I serve a God who is far greater than any of this.

A wise man named Dr. Seuss once said “Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” Our answer is simple. He is all we need.