relapse.

February 2, 2015February 2, 201540 Comments

I hate relapsing.

That painful part in your journey when you suddenly find yourself falling 5 steps backwards, for no reason, and instead of feeling sad or tired, you feel angry. The kind of anger that burns your stomach and temporarily blinds you, like it’s a physical fury bubbling up through your veins.

Anger relapse is among the worst, for I would rather feel sad. At least when I feel sad I can be comforted. But no, anger is a different emotion. Anger makes me want to backhand anyone that heads into my path. My mind spews thoughts and words that can only be described as venomous. There is no logic with anger. I can understand the intent of everyone and still burn with anger. On my anger relapse days, I seethe. I am angry that I am still here, waiting, it’s been so long. I hurt. I am tired of my patience being tested. I am tired of being told just to trust God or that this will be worth the wait. These reminders on my Angry Days only bring frustration because don’t you think I know this?

I have moments where I want to go off on every person complaining on Facebook. Shut up! Don’t you realized how blessed you are? I am so sorry school is closed today and you have to spend time with your children. Boo frickin hoo.

I want to run around and find every piece of sugar, carbohydrates and gluten in my house and shove them in my mouth at a rapid fire pace. Don’t you see, none of this even matters? Still here. Still stuck right here.

I can’t answer my phone on days like today. My brain and lips are too closely connected. An innocent comment on the other end will only risk impulsive words being spoken.

On my Angry Days, the intensity of this emotion scares me. I am angry at myself, feeling foolish for the days I believe so fervently that this will one day happen. I feel angry that deep down, I still believe He is in control and has good, unpredictable yet perfect things planned for us. Even with that, it hurts so much … I feel angry that we keep getting passed, lapped, relapped, forgotten about. How is it so easy for some? And those it’s hard for, well, even they are making this look easy. (again “easy” – remember the logic factor is tossed on days like today.)

I am angry because I know how hypocritical all of this sounds. I am immediately slapped with guilt because I know we are the ones blessed. I know that every Facebook complaint I read has been echoed by a complaint of my own. Oh our house just doesn’t have a deck. Oh my husband has such chatty moments, always at the end of my cable tv show. Yes, my big tv, that I have to dust. Ugh. My life. It is so disgusting that I can even for a moment judge someone for complaining when I do it all the time. Add another anger coin to my stack, this time at myself.

I have two choices on Angry Days – feed the fire (let it burn baby, let it burn, let’s see how high we can get this flame) or douse it out. The later is less fun.

Feeding the fire: It’s been nearly 6 years. THEY have (1/2/3/4/5) children. WE don’t deserve this. THEY don’t appreciate their gifts, WE would appreciate it. That Superbowl commercial was insensitive, not everyone is a Dad. NO ONE GETS IT. I hate pity words, how dare they throw that insincere bandaid statement at me. This is never going to happen for us, is it? Have I just been strung along this whole time? Where have I missed the sign to get off this path? You know how many times we could have traveled Europe? My insurance sucks. How. Much. Longer.

Please tell me you have been here before. Oh it burns so bad. My anger isn’t directed at God, it’s a combination of anger at myself and then the rest residing in this cloud that is hovering above my head.

With the fury still burning in my heart (how could I forget my anger at my lame eggs, the eggs that clearly suck because we are still here), I do what any person trying to “douse the fire” does. I passively flip through my devotions, breeze over some Bible verses, completely uninterested in putting out the fire, because well, once the flames are flying high, the sizzle and heat feels strangely good and comforting.

But then, there it is. The verse that I was meant to read. Esther 4:14 “Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?”

Just like that, a splash. A gentle reminder that maybe, just maybe, I am allowed to struggle with infertility for just such a time as this. For such a time as to be able to be right here, right now, writing this post. I do believe that our skies will someday part and that I will be able to look back and think perhaps it was all for this. If I am being even more honest, reading this verse makes me angry too, because I know it is true and it really rains on my flame-raising thunder.

I’ve been given a bucket today, but the fire isn’t out. The bucket is now in my hands to slowly make the trip back and forth, from the watering hole to the fire, dousing out each flame, each smoldering coal that wants so badly to burn bright. The humanness in me wants to continue to add lighter fluid, yet the part of me that has to continue to fight knows that it’s time to let the flames tame down. Self control with my thoughts is so very hard.

Relapse days. They offer us such choices. But the anger, well, it is only hurting me. (And whoever crosses my path.) It brings damage to relationships, it pulls off the scab on my heart and it takes a lot longer to let the coals cool then to make them hotter. I don’t want to deal with burning coals tomorrow. I want to put this day behind me, oh so far behind me.

5 steps backwards but now it’s time to take a step forward. Time to walk this well worn path, trailing in the footsteps of a stronger Chelsea who already cleared this road. Time to grasp His hand and allow Him to lead me away from the campside and down to the gentle stream. Time to move.

send ’em over.

January 20, 2015January 21, 20159 Comments

I frequently get emails with some awesome questions from readers – everything from “what books to do you recommend?” to “what words do you have for someone going through a miscarriage?” The questions are all SO good and I love interacting with each of you as you pepper me with some thoughtful questions. They cause me to pause and think and that’s a good thing!

My inbox has been especially filled lately (I LOVE IT!) and it has inspired me with an idea for a series of posts – a Question and Answer series! That’s right, all those questions you have been emailing me over the last few years, send them my way via comment or email and I will work my way through them. Don’t make them all serious – send me over some fun, random ones too! :) I can’t wait to address some of the most common questions to specifics about our journey. Faith, treatment, personal life – nothing is off limits!

My email is listed here, you can write it below, or comment on an Instagram post. If you would like your blog tagged back and your name identified, just leave it in the comments (From NAME at XXXX) and I will credit your question to you. However, if you want to be anonymous, that is completely fine as well, just let me know. (First names only will be used.) The question window is open till the end of the month so send them over. I’m really looking forward to this!

Oh and due to a crazy week, Friday Favorites may not be posted until Saturday … just pretend like it’s Friday when you read them. Hehe!

I’ll leave you today with a great message I read a few weeks ago that has been stewing in my brain: “The mention of a journey implies an arrival. If God guides us, however we may dislike it, it means there is a goal to our journey. Because it is God’s will for us to reach that goal, we can be certain we will reach it. We start and stop and change our minds. People disappoint us; we disappoint ourselves and may give up. Not God! He always finishes what He begins.” Rest in the fact that regardless of our outcome, there is an end to this journey and a destination. Chances are it may be nothing like we imagine or plan it to be, but it’s there and it’s going to be glorious. Have a great rest of the week friends!

yay!

December 19, 2014December 19, 201428 Comments

Who’s ready for some good news???

Yeah, I couldn’t pick just one. That’s how ready for good news I am.

I digress.

So, my appointment today. As you may remember, our news on Monday was a little disappointing. I went into today’s appointment completely prepared for our cycle to be cancelled and for more time to pass before getting a chance to try again.

I was pleasantly surprised.

My lining made an impressive leap over the past few days and for that I was grateful. I have never struggled with thin lining before yet going from a 4 to an 8 in only a few days made me thrilled (triple-lined nonetheless!). We then checked one ovary, the one that had measuring follicles last time – nada. She tried to find a follicle, she really did and came up completely empty handed. Ouch. I wasn’t surprised. Let’s just get this news over with.

Then the other ovary …. What are those!!? Follicles! Nice big juicy (ew) follicles. I think both the ultrasound tech and I were shocked to see them. She was so excited, clicking away and measuring them, announcing that we have 4 follicles between a 15-18 today. YAY! Clearly their growth and development was a result of answered prayers. YAY GOD! Yay prayers! Yay follicles!

I got some blood work done and began the wait for the call … and hopefully a plan!

Driving away from my appointment, I was in total shock. I walked in expecting the cycle to get cancelled and quickly realized that I don’t know how to process good news very well. My heart was still guarded, anticipating the lab results to change everything. I told a friend the other day if I didn’t set my expectations so high then I didn’t have as far to fall. (Isn’t that sad? I know, ye of little faith.) The words from a Jesus Calling post earlier this month echoed in my mind: “I am taking care of you. Every detail of your life in under My control. If you could only see how close I am to you and how constantly I work on your behalf, you would never again doubt that I am wonderfully caring for you. This is why you must life by faith and not by sight; trusting in My mysterious, majestic Presence.”

If we could only see how close He is to us.

I have been reminded this week that is He is so close to us. I continue to struggle with allowing myself to get my hopes up and I think that there is an aspect of hopeful expectation combined with a guarded heart. But today we get to simply celebrate so many answered prayers. We have a chance and God loves to work for His children.

The nurse called back and they hoped my estrogen would be above 150 and it was 75.6, so tomorrow I start estrogen pills three times a day which will HOPEFULLY last through a first trimester. (Lord, please!) (Sidenote: estrogen pills three times a day … yes, Josh deserves some prayers. Buy stock in Kleenex now if you know what’s good for you.) They would like to give the follicles one more day before triggering so TOMORROW NIGHT at 6:30 pm, I have a date with an HCG trigger shot and then Monday morning at 10:30 am we will have our IUI (inter-uterine insemination) done. Oh my word, this is happening.

I get a little emotional when I think about the timing of it all. Christmas 2012 is when we were able to celebrate with our families my first pregnancy, later miscarrying that day, and to think that this Christmas, 2 years later, I will have the hope that God will be creating new life in me again. The sentimental side knows that even though our babies are celebrating Christmas with Jesus, that perhaps He will be lovingly creating their sibling to join us next year. Cautious excitement and gentle reminders that He is constantly working on our behalf.

Send all the baby dust, prayers, positive vibes and fertile juices my way. I wholeheartedly believe He is in this …. YAY!

(Oh my, this post is painfully scattered but I just don’t have the brain capacity to edit it. Thanks for bearing with me when some days the sentences just don’t flow and my love for GIFs are on overdrive.)

XOXO!

less of me.

December 10, 2014December 10, 201416 Comments

When life gets busy, hormones get weird and my brain feels fuzzy, all my emotions seem a bit short circuited. I am a little more weepy, a little more reactive, a little less patient. Can anyone else relate? If I am being honest, an ugly version of me comes out. One that offers less grace, less mercy, and a whole lot less benefit of the doubt. I somehow feel privileged to feel that way (whatever it is) because I am tired/hormonal/hungry/busy/”working on it”.

Reasons I have cried in the last week:

Church was starting. My favorite coffee mug was clean. This video. Ellen gave away a hundred million things to her audience for 12-Days of Giveaways. Child actors did a great job at a play I saw. The 19-pound jar of pickles from Costco didn’t break when it fell from the fridge onto the floor. Getting tons of mail this week from friends, just because.

Okay, so having an extra dose of sappy tears added to my face isn’t the worst thing. But it’s the other side of the coin that I don’t like.

It’s the way I muttered “COME ON!” to the lady slowly merging into my lane on the highway. (Really though, at a snail’s pace.) It’s the way I gave an exasperated sigh to the child who kept cutting me off in the busy aisles of Target. It’s the way I nearly trampled a man to get to this coffee table I am sitting at now. Rushed. Busy. A lack of patience.

This season especially, if you are anything like me, you are finding yourself rushed and busy, hopping from place to place, commitment to commitment, trying to cram in time to stop at the mall to buy that one gift, wrap all the presents (cutely of course, because they may show up in a picture and they have to be Pinterest perfect), and cram packages in the mail for distant family. My brain is chalk full of DON’T FORGET!!!!!!’s, and as a result I am seeing people a lot less. Really seeing people. You know, the kind of seeing people that looks behind their physical presence and takes a minute to stop and make eye contact, smile. I was paused particularly long at a stop sign on the way over (Where are all these people coming from!?!) when I noticed a man caught in the mass of moving crosswalk people. He reminded me of my dad, an ordinary man in his 50’s, in his khaki pants with his button up shirt, work lanyard around his neck. He walked with purpose (likely to cross the street because he could feel my inpatient stop sign rage) and his eyes looked a million miles away.

What was his story?

I stopped at the stop sign a bit longer than needed, temporarily caught up in the realization that each of these pedestrians had delicately woven lives. They have financial burdens, maybe going through a death of a family member or the stress of dealing with a wild child. They may be facing a diagnosis or are worrying about what will happen if their furnace stops working before month’s end. The thing is, every person we encounter is going through something. And yet, me with my self-absorbed head, just keeps running around completely oblivious that a little extra grace and patience might just be what this person needs.

Our worship leader at church prayed these words recently and they have stuck with me – “Let us show others unnecessary kindness.”

Maybe that sales lady at Gap didn’t mean to give me a look and even if she did, the returned look back isn’t going to help matters. A smile in return may be just what she needs. (And sometimes even if kind gestures backfire, I can’t say I didn’t try.) Perhaps the slow-merging driver is just a nervous driver or distracted by the racing thoughts of her mind. Slowing down long enough to let her over and then not trying to prove a point with a dramatic slowdown isn’t really going to impact my day significantly. In fact, it’s showing a lot less of His love and only steals my joy as I let circumstances dictate my emotions.

I want my eyes to be open to others this Christmas season. I don’t want to find excuses for my attitude or the busyness. I want to move more in slow motion and less in fast forward, even if it means embracing the random tears and exuding more patience that I feel.

Right before I began typing this post, I scribbled these words in my prayer journal (not with the intention to share so ignore my messy handwriting, hehe):

Less of me. More of Him. Less busy, more intentionality. We can do this. 15 days till Christmas, let’s enjoy them.

PS – Day 3 of letrozole today! Oh come on Lord … do your thing! Next appointment to check in on things is Monday the 15th. Keep us in your prayers.

PPS – Have you had the time to check out my post on Fertility Authority yet? If not, help me out by clicking and reading today! Every click helps me reach my monthly goals :) Thanks!

fertility authority.

December 3, 2014December 3, 201427 Comments

Happy Wednesday! I am SO excited to share with you my first post over at FertilityAuthority which goes live today. YAY! I am thrilled about this opportunity to write for this website, which for those who don’t know, is an online source for fertility information. They offer some great tools and resources for those being diagnosed and going through treatment and one of the ways they offer support is through a handful of bloggers. Yes, yours truly is one of them starting today!

So here’s what you can do – simply click here and read! Without further ado … here you go!

http://www.fertilityauthority.com/blog/chelsea-ritchie/2014/12/02/i-have-infertility-i-am-just-you

I love being able to write and share my heart with a new group of readers, however know that this commitment won’t interfere with my writing here in any way. It’s simply another opportunity to connect with me (and me with you!)

And can I beg? Even if you aren’t in need of this website, I would GREATLY appreciate your click and support. I would love to come out of the gates with my community strongly behind me (and yes, I do have a minimum requirement of hits that I need to get) so your click does mean a lot! Thank you in advance for the read, shares and comments! :)

Secondly, we heard back about my blood work results last week and while we weren’t really sure what we were hoping for, we did get some answers. My results came back showing a severe Factor V Leiden mutation which essentially is a rare (less than 3%) mutation where my blood develops abnormal blood clots and is known to cause reoccurring pregnancy loss and late pregnancy miscarriages. The good news is we finally have an answer which is a gigantic answer to prayer. While this mutation can’t be “fixed”, it can be treated with twice daily injections to thin the blood, therefore lessening the chances of blood clots, particularly to the uterus while pregnant.

I was a little overwhelmed when the clinic first called with these results but was quickly reminded by my amazing support team that this answer is a blessing and the success stories once diagnosed are impressive. Even more so, I was reminded that God eats odds for breakfast and that who we serve has abilities far greater than this mutation. In fact, I am fearfully and wonderfully made and this diagnosis doesn’t come as a surprise to Him! So with that, we are stepping forward with faith that this answer is the key to unlocking a miracle.

My last day on active birth control pills was LAST NIGHT (arghhhh!) which means we will likely be starting our IUI cycle in the next few days. CRAZY! Can’t wait to keep you all posted on the exciting happenings as we walk with God back into this treatment pool and await His perfect timing. Join us in prayer, will you? Pray then click the link above. :)

Thanks my friends, for your faithfulness to our journey. We adore you guys and are so thankful for all the ways you partner with us.

“I thank my God every time I remember you.” Philippians 1:3

tears and stillness.

November 25, 2014November 25, 201411 Comments

Anyone else in shock that it’s Thanksgiving this week? Whoa! My plate has been a little fuller than normal, trying to balance in working full-time with my already busy calendar. I added in a high dose birth control pill a few weeks ago to prepare for our IUI cycle and wowza, there is definitely a learning curve getting back into the steady stream of hormones and reintroducing metformin to my system. EEEEEEK!

I wish I could tell you I was handling the to-do list’s and hormones like a champ, but the truth is that it’s gotten the best of me more often than not. I seasoned my salad on Sunday night with tears as I faced the possibility that I might not be able to do it all. The amount of pressure I put on myself to “KEEP UP!” and the acknowledgement that I might not be able to makes me feel like I am failing. I take pride in being able to get it all done, throw the party, drop off the meal, send that card, reply to that text, sneak in a coffee date, comment back to each loving comment left. And then this last week hit and it was like ….

And a little of this:

However, I have to note, today, I am more like this.

So why am I telling you all this? Well, one, so you know I have the same rollercoasters as you do. Two, because I needed to vent that birth control pills and metformin sucks. Three, well, because I am learning a lot during all this.

My soul needs rest. In the midst of chaos and SO MANY LISTS, I have made the mistake of prioritizing everything else above my time with Him and then when the evening comes and my Bible stares at me, well, my eyes just can’t stay open. I need to learn the disciple of being still, of making HIM the priority instead of ensuring I have the green bean casserole made and the turkey purchased (okay, well those actually are two important things).

Psalm 46:10a reminds me “Be still, and know that I am God!”. The act of being still is one of the hardest things for me in this season, as I know it is for many of you too. Psalm 131 continues, “But I have calmed and quieted my soul…” Solitude, quiet time and rest in God is worth fighting for. It’s worth carving out, worth prioritizing, worth bumping all the way up to the most alert part of your day.

I know I need to work on slowing down and simply enjoying His presence, without asking for anything and without worrying about everything else to do. Simply being with Him. Pastor Craig Groeschel says “Stilling our heart doesn’t happen by accident” and this whole last week or two has been a gigantic validation of that statement. So with that, I ask that you offer me some grace as I perhaps write only once a week instead of twice over the next couple weeks, or take an extra day or two to reply to your comments (which I LOVE reading!!!!!), or skip a Friday Favorites (like I will this Friday to spend some Black Friday fun with the family.) I want to take the little extra time I have and savor it, stilling my heart so I can contemplate the goodness of our Great God.

A few last things to note and to be concise, bullet points it is!

Thanks to over 85 of you who purchased products through our fundraiser link, we were generously donated over $900 in commissions from our dear friends Annie and Jana. We are completely overwhelmed with gratitude for the amazing generosity and sacrifice of so many of you who wanted to be a part of our journey in this way. Humbled doesn’t even begin to describe how grateful we feel. Thank you. So much.
Our IUI cycle is set to start the first week of December if all goes as planned! We are still waiting for test results on the autoimmune testing I had done and I have a call scheduled for tomorrow afternoon to discuss all the fine tuned IUI details and hopefully will get those results then. I will be absolutely sure to keep you all in the detail loop as we move forward! YAHOO!
Starting next month, I will be writing for the website Fertility Authority and will be posting blogs with new content over there in addition to my posts here. (Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere!) Can I ask you all a favor in advance? I get paid by views so when I share a link, would you mind just taking a moment to click over and read? If you weren’t able to participate in the fundraiser, this is a great free way to support us! Another amazing thing is that I get to write about my faith on there too, which as you know is a huge part of who I am as a writer and person. I am pumped about this opportunity and honored that they would approach me with this opportunity. Stay tuned the first of week December and then click away!

That’s it! Hope all my USA readers have an amazing Thanksgiving and I will eat extra turkey and mashed potatoes keeping my international readers in mind XO!

friday favorites – november 14.

November 14, 20148 Comments

Somehow, and I don’t know how, another Friday is upon us! Here’s the Friday Favorites for the week!

Favorite Moment: Spending some quality time with Josh’s grandma and mom over tea! We were able to check out a new tea room in the area and have meaningful catch-up-on-life conversation over some delicious tea, sandwiches and salads. Not only that, but we got to try on some hats when we were leaving … I mean, seriously, can we please bring back these classic looks? I think everyone should have to wear tulle and a feather on their head at least one day in their lives. Hehe!

Favorite Product: At the moment I am SO grateful for Bliss body butter. My hands have been so dry as these new wintery months approach and I feel like this lotion is helping return my skin to a semi-hydrated state. Unfortunately my little sample size is running low and I will then be on the search for some more lotion samples in my drawers, but for this week, my hands are soft and its thanks to Bliss.

Favorite Quote: “Joy results when we discover the presence, power and purpose of God in every circumstance.” -Beth Moore

I loved reading that reminder in my study for small group this week. There is that beautiful reminder that happiness is fleeting and circumstancial, while JOY is rooted deep in Him. I want true, deep, rich joy in every season of my life!

Oh yes, and also this Bible verse from Jeremiah 31…so thankful for a Lord that replenishes our weary souls!

Favorite Kids Church Lesson: How perfect a lesson for our preschool program to learn at church this week! It was so cute to hear the kiddos answering their questions in their groups (“What did Hannah pray for? A BABY!”) and being reminded through this perfect story that God brings us joy. A perfect tie in to my Bible study this week too! (I know this font size is so small below – you may be able to click and zoom!)

Favorite Helper: Minnesota was hit with a snowstorm on Monday (meh, it’s only November) and with Josh out of town, I knew that the driveway had to be cleared somehow! After gratefully declining offers from some family and friends (thanks Joe, Scot and Chet!), I decided it was time to learn how to operate our snowblower and that I could certainly clear these 10″ inches off, no problem. Well, of course it’s never that easy and after running out of gas, flooding the, um, something, and getting stuck, I quickly made the SOS call … to my dad. Of course he came over and fixed everything with an ease that only dads can manage and helped me clear off my driveway while I shoveled. We got it done! (But not without a snow plow plowing into my dad’s car – no pun intended. Boo!) Thanks Dad for your help! Josh, you are never allowed out of town again!

Favorite Accomplishment: Finishing my 1st One Line A Day book! I purchased this November 2009 and every day since then, have taken a moment each day to scribble down what I do that day – the memories or moments that summarized the day essentially. The book gives you a spot for each day of the year and then there are 5 paragraphs so that you can write in that day for five years. (Make sense?) Well, this week I finally wrote in my last day for the last year and got to start a new book! You can find these books on Amazon or Barnes and Nobles. I have even seen them at times at Targetin the notebook aisle. They are SO fun.

Favorite Pinterest Pin: Look at all these fun ways to tie a belt!

Favorite Funnies: And last but not least ….

There you go! Happy Friday friends! 7 tubes of blood work was given today so let’s pray for those results. (Not really sure what I am hoping to happen – answers or another thing checked off the list of things I don’t need to worry about ….) I will keep you updated! Day 4/28 of birth control pills is in the books and if all goes planned, it looks like we will have an IUI the week of Christmas, which is beautifully ironic considering we miscarried on Christmas 2 years ago. Anyways, I digress – just keep us in your prayers! And if you haven’t placed an order for the fundraiser and would like to, consider this a reminder! :) Party ends on Tuesday! XO!

guest post.

November 12, 20142 Comments

Thank you so much for all the excitement over our last post! We have been overwhelmed with the kindness, support and prayers as we head into these new steps. It’s not too late to place an order for Norwex or Younique using the links found on this Fundraiser page if you are interested. Again, thank you for those who have generously blessed us and to everyone who is praying. It means so much to me and Josh!

In other news, my post for today is located over at Caroline’s page at In Due Time. Caroline reached out and asked me to do a Guest Post while her and her hubby are on vacation and I was honored to be able to write to her readers!

If you want to check it out, please click HERE!

I’ll even give you a sneak peek at what inspired my post today – these words below from Craig Groeschel about the difference between social media clicks and Godly compassion and caring. I hope you all head over and check it out.

Hope you are all having a great week!

XOXO,

Chelsea

the new plan and how you can help.

November 9, 201432 Comments

There has been 387 days between the date of our last transfer and today. 387 long days. I remember typing this post about our 4^th cycle failure like it was yesterday. I remember sharing with you all that we were being called into a season of putting a hold on fertility treatments and let me tell you, it’s been a long year. Between last October and today, I have seen a naturopathic doctor, an acupuncturist, had a laparoscopy surgery done and many tests run, drunk teas, sucked down pills and above all, prayed for wisdom, guidance and direction. This wait has been LONG. And yet even though it has felt unproductive compared to years past, both Josh and I felt incredible peace that this was exactly where we were supposed to be, even though it wasn’t easy.

Then a month or so ago both of our hearts started stirring, feeling like we were supposed to restart up treatments. I don’t think either of us were prepared to start thinking about it again and the thought of jumping back into things caught me a little off guard. We began to talk and pray and felt that gentle nudging to make some calls.

I reached out to 2 new clinics in the area. One thing Josh and I felt strongly about was the need for a second opinion, a new set of eyes, a fresh space. Doctor consults can often be booked out 6-8 weeks so I made a call, thinking that we would sit down with them towards the end of the year. Imagine my surprise when one of them shared that they had a cancellation just open up – for 3 days later. (The other being consistent with the longer timeline we were expecting.) With a swiftness that could only be God, charts were exchanged, papers were filled out, and there we were, walking into a new RE, waiting to hear his thoughts on our case. I instantly felt relief when he said that he still has hope for our case, even though I know that our hope is found in God. Still it was reassuring that he felt so positive for us. The hour we spent with him was incredibly educational and we loved how he explained his thoughts and our options.

For the sake of brevity, the plan he proposed is that we do a few IUI (artificial insemination) cycles using Femara and a trigger shot, which I have responded to well in the past, combined with estrogen and progesterone supplementation.. He also wants to put me back on Metformin to improve my egg quality and felt strongly about completing some more blood test to ensure that my reoccurring miscarriages haven’t been caused by any autoimmune disorders. We have done a few of these tests in the past and I am in full agreement that we need to complete the panels. Regardless of how the results come back, we will add in Lovenox injections which are useful for a whole slew of things. If this doesn’t work, the next step would be to do another IVF cycle. This clinic in particular only does cycles 4 times a year, making the next one we would be eligible for at the end of March. After our appointment, we continued to pray. My prayers were that God would make it abundantly obvious if we were supposed to move forward. The nudging in our hearts that it was time to step out again seemed so clear, but still, I kept praying for two things – 1) that God would make it very evident that moving forward with IUI/IVF was His plan and 2) that the financial part of these medicated cycles would be provided for.

Within a DAY, and I mean a DAY, God answered both of these requests clearly. The first answer occurred while I was sitting in my Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) meeting the next morning, where we were talking about Moses, specifically Exodus 14. Our lecturer was talking about how the Israelites were standing in front of the Red Sea while the Egyptians were chasing after them. My lesson picks up here:

“Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on.”

What God spoke to me was that sometimes He brings us to the point where we are supposed to be waiting. (Like the Israelites did for 400+ years.) But then other times He brings us right before our answer to prayer and says “Why are you still standing still?? Stop talking. It’s time to move forward.” Had Moses not acted and lifted up his staff, had the Israelites not taken those scary steps into the parted Red Sea, the story would have ended there. But instead, it was time to move forward in faith. That day God affirmed “I will fight for you – it’s time to move forward.” Message heard, loud and clear. (This is one of many affirmations that have come my way since offering up that prayer!)

He then answered the financial part in a variety of ways. At the start of the week I was committed to a job share position, which ended up changing into a short-term, full-coverage opportunity, giving me more hours. I then was contacted by an Editor in Chief at a large online fertility resource website, who asked ME, little old me, to become a paid blogger for them starting in December. (I never reached out to them, this was completely God-initiated. And I said yes so more on that to come in another post!) And then I had 2 friends, within a few days of each other, reach out to me, offering to use their online businesses to throw a fundraising product party, both offering to donate 100% of the commission earned to our medical treatments, without any conversation about our future direction. Wow. God, you are so good!

So let me summarize – we are doing this again!!!!

The plan is to get some blood work done this Friday and then start 28 days on birth control to reset things. Then after that, we are going to move forward with a Femara+trigger shot IUI cycle. I could see how to some of you, it feels like we are stepping backwards, since my IUI days are years behind me, however there is SO MUCH PEACE in this new plan and we are GIDDY to get things going. And of course, excited to see how God will act. We can’t do this without the prayers and support of those around us, so THANK YOU!

With all that said – now how can you help!?

Continue to pray for us. This is the biggest way. Prayers, vibes, energy, whatever you can throw , we will take it. I know those prayers go from your mouth to His ears.
Another way is to shop! For the next 10 days, there are 2 online parties being thrown by two generous friends to assist with the medical costs involved. Please do not feel ANY pressure to make a purchase, but if you are looking for any Norwex or Younique products, I would love and appreciate you using these parties to make your purchase! Being able to receive some assistance through these amazing women’s commission is nothing short of an answer to prayer.
Feel free to share the event link with your friends/family. There will be an entirely separate link (www.trialsbringjoy.com/fundraiser/) that will give you information on where you can do this online shopping, complete with details on purchasing and without boring anyone with all these details above.
Lastly, I ask that you pray a special blessing over the lives of Annie and Jana, both of the women who has made this offer and are allowing Him to answer our prayers through their generous kindness. God knows exactly what prayers are on their hearts and so I simply ask that you lift up a prayer of gratitude and blessing over them.

These online parties will run from today (November 9^th) until November 18^th (next Tuesday). Again, if you are not in a place to make a purchase, please don’t feel any pressure. But if you are and are looking to support these next steps of ours, Josh and I both would appreciate it more than you know. Plus YOU get some fun products from 2 great companies! I call that a win-win!

Thank you again for all of the prayers for wisdom and guidance over these last years. It’s hard to believe it’s been nearly 6 years of trying and waiting, but I am trusting that GREAT things are ahead! XOXO!

CLICK HERE FOR ALL FUNDRAISING DETAILS!

the aftermath.

November 4, 201410 Comments

My heart is so full. This last week in Chicago was so wonderful. The time spent with friends and family was so special and the Storyline Conference gave me an opportunity to explore what’s inside of me. I never would have labeled myself a creative person but after sitting in a room with some amazing people, I realized how much I have inside me that I want to get out and share. Sometimes I have these ideas, thoughts, stories, and emotions trapped inside my chest, churning to get out and trying to find the right words to express what I am feeling. Sometimes they escape and other times they remain bottled up inside, waiting for the right time to spring forth.

I don’t know where to start or if I will ever all get it all out. Truthfully, I battle with wondering if anyone even cares – not in a pessimistic “wah, no one cares about me” way because I feel quite the opposite – super loved and cared for. No, I mean it more in a “why would people want to read the random babblings of my brain?” And questioning, am I too out there? Are people just being nosey or do they actually care about what I am learning or this journey we are on?

Writing is one of the most vulnerable things I have ever done. Or as Shauna Niequist eloquently puts it, “Writing for me feels like getting naked in public.” It rips me open and often times I press “pubish” and have immediate regret. Do they understand what I was trying to say? Did I share too much? Did I offend someone? Will people look at me differently? Are people going to understand …. me?

What do I want? I don’t know truthfully. I have so many dreams flying around my head and this conference has only made it more real to me that I have a story that needs to be told – that I want to tell. The story isn’t important because of what we have gone through with infertility, the story is important because stories are what connects us to one another. The highs and lows that we share as a community are beautiful things and I pray that in the end, my story brings Him immense glory. Sharing our stories with one another, as muddled and beautiful as they are, is what creates a presence in one another’s lives. Life isn’t meant to be lived alone. Goodness, it would be far too painful and lonely.

There is something sacred when vulnerable words are shared but there is a fear as well. When I share my story with you, I try to be as authentic and unedited as possible. But then there are these tiny things that sneak up and whisper to me that it’s not enough. That this post isn’t good. That my stories don’t make sense. That people are whispering behind my back. How do I cope with that reality? I think the only way to do that is to keep writing. To keep stretching myself and to keep putting my heart out on this page. My blog isn’t fancy. It doesn’t have a web designer and there aren’t fancy visuals to click on. There are no sponsors, but it has you – my readers. People who jump in and share their hearts with me. Who read my writing and somehow, in the strings of words I have to offer, understand me.

This conference is helping me flush out what I want. “What do you want to do with your story?” And as I process this, and again it’s still very new, the thing that rests so heavily on my heart is the word encouragement. And I don’t quite know what to do with that yet. I know that I personally love to encourage others and am deeply touched by words of encouragement. Words have a richness that can fill you up. After sitting down with many wonderful friends this past week and sharing real life, encouraging talks, I’m walking around feeling full to my brim. My heart feels like it’s literally pushing against the skin of my chest and my fingertips feel tight and heavy and beautiful. Words, friendships, encouragement, questions, messiness, resolutions to be made, forgiveness that needs to be accomplished and the grace needed to keep pushing forward is beautiful.

So where does that leave me? What do I do with this word encouragement that’s on my heart? Part of me wants to run around and encourage everyone to embrace where they are at right now. To help others find the beauty that’s in the present moment. I want to help others sift through the tears, the sorrow, the frustration, the anger, the bitterness, and to somehow find the goodness, richness and beauty that is in the now. We can’t live a life trying to get from here to there, because when you get there, you are just simply in your new here. I truly don’t believe that any one thing in life will ever truly fulfill us because I don’t know that our humanness is capable of contentment outside of Him. Nothing we obtain will change your heart to value how special being here is.

We have a special gift where we can turn our sorrow and pain into pieces of our puzzle that come together to make something full, complete and rich with detail. I believe that somehow my story, my messiness, my longing for a family, the children we have lost, the endurance I have had to put forth, is all molding me and crafting me to be a better person here in this moment right now.

I am so grateful that we have woken up this morning and are given a chance to even try to make a difference. That we are able to be in our here. I don’t know what my life will look like in 2, 3, 5, 10 years. But what I do know is that I want to be a person who didn’t waste these days of waiting. I wholeheartedly ache to comfort every reader with His love. I wish so badly that you all could take a piece of my fullness right now. I am thankful for the friends I got to visit with while in Chicago, grateful for the words that God used from their mouths to touch my heart and fill me. The value of community and friendships should never go unrecognized.

Thank you all for your prayers as I attended this conference. Now I get to wrestle with what’s next. I think beautiful things are ahead, even if they are smudged with dirt and ashes and have broken edges at times. I pray that God’s richness falls over our lives, a richness that doesn’t come with answered prayers or things, but that comes with His presence in our lives, His peace, His comfort and the ability to rest in that.

(And of course, we can’t end without a few photo’s from the week!)

Yes, I got to meet, talk to, cry with/on and hug Shauna Niequist who you all know is an author I so greatly admire!

Lauren <3

My cousin Brittany and my Nana … Grandpa Tedd and Brad, I know you are sad you missed out on the photo shoot. :) Love my family!

Candice <3

Carolyn and her two littles. I’m certain they adored being dressed like reindeers for our amusement. :)

My Uncle Chuckie who's heart, kindness and outlook on life is so special. <3

My Uncle Chuckie whose heart, kindness and outlook on life is so special. <3

Julie, Jenny and their kiddos. <3

(Katie — how did we not get a picture together? Apparently closing down a restaurant omits photo time. Boo! Auntie Pammy, Uncle Jimmy, James and Nick, thanks for opening up your home to me. I love spending time with you all and love you guys so much more than words can say! And thanks for sharing your neighborhood squirrel with me too.)