whirlwind.

September 5, 201310 Comments

What a whirlwind this last week has been! Sometimes when I sit down to write about what’s been going on in my life and I think “Did that all really happen to me?” It can feel like I am living someone else’s story sometimes and it feels weird. But reality is that this is my story!

The D&C went really well. I wasn’t too worried going into it, just hopeful that the complications wouldn’t happen. I felt SO blessed by all of the messages I received from friends letting me know they were praying for “The 5” requests. I felt clothed in prayers, my anxiety at bay and felt like this was just something to check off my list. I was so grateful to have my mom accompany me to the procedure and it truly went as perfect as possible. My doctor left right away, while I was still coming out of sedation, to bring the tissues to the hospital lab. These tissues needed to be cleared as positive for pregnancy in order for us to be cleared to leave on our trip. I was so thankful she got those results expedited. In fact, while I was still in recovery she came back letting us know everything came back as hoped. Praise God. Before I knew it, I was back home with prescriptions for nausea, pain and some awesome nylon underwear. My cramping was so minimal and for the most part, I just felt sleepy from the anesthesia.

After the surgery – everything went great!

I tried to wear my lucky socks but apparently not having grippy’s on the bottom is a major hospital violation. Well, I tried.

Then the exciting part – Josh and I had planned a last minute cruise the week before with another couple, friends of ours from college. We wanted to get away for a few days and relax, putting infertility stuff behind us and enjoy some time away. Little did we know I would be having unanticipated surgery the day before but the doctors felt confident that pending no complications during surgery, I would be okay to go on the trip. So our alarms went off at 2:45 am the next morning and off we went to the airport to begin our adventure.

We look lovely at 4 am right??

Our boat looked so pretty – almost fake!

The trip itself was so wonderful. We enjoyed time together and with our friends, good food, time in the sunshine and lots of laughs. For the most part, I was pain free. I didn’t really experience cramping from the D&C. The pain more felt like someone stirred up my insides and I just felt really bloated, tender and a little internally blended. If that makes sense?

Looks like all my years of reading US Weekly paid off! I won the ship on a stick for knowing the most celebrity couples! (Not sure that’s something I should be proud of?)

A quick look at our trip! No trip is a trip without some towel animals, the ocean, great food, and of course, a selfie.

After spending sometime in Miami, the Keys, and Cozumel, we were on our way back home. We arrived to the Miami airport at 8:30 am Monday morning and unfortunately our flight didn’t leave till 5:45 pm. We were hoping to get on another flight but all were oversold. The day of waiting, then traveling to Detroit for a layover, then finally back to our state felt LONG. By the time we arrived home, it was about 16 hours. My exhaustion caught up with me mid-flight to Detroit and I became irritable Chelsea. By the time we landed, I was miserable, crank-city Chelsea. And I had a tummy ache from eating too many pretzels on the flight. (We skipped dinner). I think I glared at one too many people and muttered sentences about hating life and never being this tired and grumpy before. (I always had a flair for drama). By the time we boarded our last flight, 36 rows back, I was a version of myself that probably hung out with the devil for fun. I couldn’t control my glaring. I couldn’t force a smile, even if offered millions. I shot Josh some of the ugliest looks on the planet for whistling and was livid that because of his 9:30 pm cup of Starbucks, he was enjoying life. I was cold, therefore he couldn’t use his air vent. I was uncomfortable, therefore that was somehow his fault. I felt like his talking to the flight attendant was the most obnoxious noise I ever heard. In fact, by the time we landed, I was so exhausted and unhappy and annoyed, that I visualized clubbing him with my flip flop just so he would stop smiling. Walking to baggage claim, listening to him talk about loving the airport and wondering why the close baggage claim gate was closed, paired with walking faster than my tired feet wanted to, I questioned why I had been married to him for 8 years. (I told you, devil woman here). I mentally questioned if I was really a Christian because I felt such hatred towards people walking by me for the simple fact that they weren’t miserable like me. I was short with my sister who stayed up late to pick us up and only spoke if it was to correct something Josh said. I was the worst version of myself. I share this with you for two reasons – 1) to remind you I am so far from perfect and 2) to apologize if I saw you and tried to assassin you with my eyes.

Once home, after the fastest shower of my life, I tossed back my antibiotic, ignored my grumbling stomach and went to bed. Throughout the night it felt like someone kept waking me up and tried to jam a golf ball down my throat. (If it was the flight attendant or Josh, I would have understood.) I woke up in extreme pain, feeling like something was stuck in my throat, with my chest and upper back burning. After spending some time on Google, I diagnosed myself with heartburn. Having never had it before, I tried everything that the internet (and Facebook friends) told me to do. Tums. Milk. Apple Cider Vinegar. Zantac. Nothing was working and because of the throat-lodged feeling and pain, I couldn’t keep anything down. Paired with the exhaustion from the day before, plus now being dehydrated and in pain, I felt like I had been clubbed. I got overly emotional about the fact that the day before (Monday) was our first due date and finally started to process the D&C. By the evening, I was running through worst case scenarios about my heartburn and almost went to the ER. Another night of sleep didn’t bring relief so I went to the doctor the next day, where I learned that gulping down my antibiotic on an empty stomach, right before laying down in bed, is not a good idea and will indeed burn your esophageal lining, causing a ulcer-like throat issue. Awesome. No wonder the heartburn remedies weren’t working! So now I am adding some more medication to my plate which is bringing relief until the lining heals in the next 4-8 weeks. Sigh. It always seems like its something!

But truly, all in all, I am recovering well. I am feeling less like the horned version of myself and am back to smiling at people. I have decided that just because I had a bad day, does not mean I am not truly a Christian or that Jesus left me for a day. I do realize that being happy requires a little bit of energy however. At least some days.

I ran across this verse the other day – “Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.” (Romans 12:15 NLT) It has been a good reminder for me to remember to be genuine in my emotions with others. Be happy with those who are happy. Who are celebrating births or pregnancies. Share in the sorrow with those who are sad. Genuinely care about what they are going through and don’t just go through the “I am so sorry” motions. I think in this journey, we can protect our emotions so much because we have felt the euphoric highs and stinging lows. But I have been focusing on being genuine with my emotions. “Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them…Love each other with genuine affection.” (Romans 12:9a, 10a). So I am trying to make my interactions intentional and my words heartfelt.

Otherwise, that’s my life right now! I am going back in to the doctor tomorrow morning to recheck my beta numbers and am PRAYING the number is 0 or close to it. I am having slight beta-PTSD thinking about that call coming in. Then likely in the next 1-2 weeks, I will have a saline infusion sonogram (SIS) where they will evaluate the inner cavity of my uterus to make sure scarring didn’t occur during the D&C and make sure things still look good in there. Once all that is done, we will being discussing and moving forward with whatever may be next for us. Continued prayers for wisdom, peace and healing are appreciated.

Fall is around the corner and with it comes boots, cozy sweaters and warm Starbucks drinks. I love the leaves changing colors and even more so, I hope that with the changing of the seasons brings a changing in the winds for us and this journey. “Hear my prayer, O Lord! Listen to my cries for help! Don’t ignore my tears.” (Psalm 39:12).

Cali’s first day of school! Hehe!

Lovely PSL’s are back! Tried my first iced one – MMM!

d & c.

August 27, 2013January 24, 201513 Comments

I finally think the “expect the unexpected” phrase has kicked in. (Thanks Big Brother). Truly, whenever I expect something to go one way, it goes the opposite way. Last week, I expect my beta to be 0 and they called and said “surprise! It’s 165.” Yesterday I went in and expected it to go down (although I truly was unsure what to think) and they call me and say “surprise! It doubled, please come back in immediately for an ultrasound.”

Gulp.

Hopped in my car, drove downtown, sat with the doctor and the tech as we pulled up my uterus and … Bam! There is was. A beautiful little 8 week, 2 day old sac. Except most people see a little baby inside at this point – I saw, well, an empty sac.

I was pleased in that it doesn’t look like there is anything attached to my tubes, just the uterine sac in the right place. The bad news is that my doctor was concerned that when I started to bleed, that I could hemorrhage and being that Josh and I were planning on going out of town, she didn’t feel comfortable taking that risk.

She said that we need to do a D&C surgery to remove the sac in the next 24-48 hours.

Expect the unexpected.

I don’t know why but I truly didn’t think it would come to surgery. Granted, it was always on the table but I was just hoping the outcome would be different. That my body would handle it naturally or that magic pills could take it away. I am so grateful that my RE doctor (the specialist) and the Obstetrics doctor completing my surgery (my OB from my original clinic) were so helpful in getting things moved around quickly to get this completed, as well as talk me through what to expect in a way I understood. Both spoke with incredible empathy and made me hopeful that in the end, Josh and I would still be able to go out of town as well. (The funny this is we were going out of town to get away from it all –I will now go out of town with pain meds, heating pads and a scraped, crampy uterus).

Some would expect me to feel angry. Mad. Upset. Sad. To be shaking my fist angrily at the sky and to cuss out my luck. But truthfully, I handed over this appointment on Monday to God and became comfortable with “whatever is meant to happen will happen.” No, I didn’t think that would mean a surgery 36 hours later, but I felt peace in the fact that He had a plan. Who knows? Perhaps this is the answer we were looking for? Perhaps after 3 cycles in 9 months, my uterus just needed a little autumn cleaning? (Hehehe!)

So tomorrow morning at 5:45 am, I check in for my D & C. I have talked to a few different women who have had them and their experiences all vary. I can only pray that mine is an uncomplicated procedure and that recovery goes quickly and smoothly.

If I could though, ask you to pray for a few specific items, I would greatly appreciate it:

1) The procedure itself – that it would be free from anything that could cause scarring. Scarring of the uterus happens less the 1% of the time but can cause additional infertility issues that I am not prepared to face.

2) A lack of blood loss – sometimes the person’s body doesn’t stop bleeding and they have to do a transfusion. While they are prepared to do this, I pray that this won’t be the case for me.

3) The biopsy – the same day they will take the tissues they remove and test them. The results need to come back positive for pregnancy to confirm that there is no other tissue in an unidentified location. (Like an upper tube). The chances of additional tissues located elsewhere are small but would require being rushed backed immediately for surgery and would result in our trip being canceled.

4) For quick healing – I am nervous about traveling so soon after surgery but pray that this trip helps clear our mind from all that is going on and is a trip of healing and relaxation. Prayers for minimal cramping and post-op bleeding would be wonderful!

5) Against infection – I will be on a strong antibiotic but there is always a risk of infection after surgery. Please join me in praying this doesn’t happen to me.

So 5 things (sorry, I am being prayer greedy now!) No scarring, no extra bleeding, good biopsy results, quick healing and no infection. THANK YOU!

A week or so ago, a friend posted a quote that has forever changes the way that I view my journey. The quote said:

“If you aspire to be a person of consolation, if you want to share the priestly gift of sympathy, if you desire to go beyond giving commonplace comfort to a heart that is tempted, and if you want to go through the daily exchanges of life with the kind of tact that never inflicts pain, then you must be prepared to pay the price for a costly education – for like Christ, you must suffer.” – Frederick William Robertson

I had never thought that this struggle of ours is part of a spiritual journey towards the gift of sympathy. The gift of sympathy is unlike many the people have, as to have true empathy, you have to be able to relate on some measure. We have all dealt with people who just don’t “get it”. That says the wrong, hurtful thing and cause additional heartaches. But in order to be a person who has the “kind of tact that never inflicts pain”, then you have to become educated in what it’s like to be them.

Whoa.

I will never look at this struggle the same way again. What a beautiful opportunity God has given me to be trained to have sympathy for others going through infertility. For others going through miscarriages. For others that have failed cycles, whether they be IVF, IUI, Clomid, Femara, metformin. For others that have post- IVF complications like OHSS. And now, for others that have to go through a D&C. All of this is part of an education, to be trained in the spiritual gift of sympathy and to be able to offer comfort that isn’t generic. My heart feels humbled and honored that I would be able to stand by someone else suffering and offer heartfelt sympathies.

Does that make me crazy? I understand how completely insane that sounds. So often times infertility feels like this gigantic punishment for something we don’t know, but my brain and heart are starting to change the thought of that, and receive this as a gift. Something that Christ is educating me in so that I can be more like Him. To be like Christ, we must suffer.

Now, this all should go without saying that I am MORE than reading for this journey to be done. I want to say, “Ok God, learned the lessons! Thanks! Now, baby please?” I cannot wait for the day when I am holding my healthy little baby and looking back at all of this. But until that day, I have to stay strong, positive, and keep fighting. Because I am learning things and being taught things that many people will never have the opportunity. So for that, I am thankful.

I likely won’t be able to update for a week or so due to recovery and the holiday weekend, so if you don’t hear from me, assume things went well. Thank you in advance for your prayers, love, and support.

On a fun note, life has been good so far. We still can’t process “what’s next” until we complete this last cycle fully. In the last few weeks though, I celebrated my 28th birthday, which was so fun. I enjoyed some fun time at the State Fair, sweating and overeating. I am wrapping up a TTC gift exchange that I coordinated on Instagram – where over 100 ladies struggling with infertility sent a care package to another girl struggling. I am SO blessed to see how much joy and excitement this brings to a community that has blessed me so much. And I have spent a lot of time listening to some great podcasts that have continued to teach me new things. Take a peek at some pictures!

We went out for my birthday to one of my favorite restaurants and enjoyed a wonderful evening out!

My family threw a beautiful dinner party for my birthday. How great is this book themed table setting? (Books = my weakness)

Us :)

Cali got a toy in a package from my Instagram exchange friend. I think she loves it!

Preach!

Anyways, all of this is in His hands and we trust that! We keep trusting that our day will come and unless He changes our hearts, we will keep fighting and giving it out all. XOXO!

wham, bam, how’s that dirt taste?

August 21, 201318 Comments

Sometimes it feels like I just get my feet back under me, have them fully straightened, stop seeing stars then WHAM! One sweeping kick knocks both of them out from under me. From behind. I don’t even see it coming.

I went in yesterday for my final blood work. It had been over 2 weeks and I was 22 points away from hitting 0. (Where it needs to be to signify the miscarriage is complete and where it needs to be before you can even consider moving forward). It was a no-big-deal appointment. Without a doubt everything would be fine and we would be cleared to move forward with considering what was next for us. So when the nurse called to let me know that my levels went up to 165 (from 27) and that my body still thought I was pregnant, likely still developing a fetus-less sac, and that I hadn’t properly miscarried, I felt like I was kicked in my gut … twice. I think it took me a full 2 hours to realize how much this sucked. Then the shock moved into anger. The bubbly kind that makes you want to scream.

I was so irritated. What the heck? It had been 3 weeks since I was told my pregnancy wasn’t viable and then to be dragged back into it, dangling the reality in front of me again and being told I still had to deal with it SUCKED. (Sucks. Still does. And yes, I know I shouldn’t say “sucks”, but that’s all I can think.)

I texted Josh that I was “beyond annoyed right now…like sick to my stomach mad.” and the saint boy writes back “it’s ok honey, we will get through it ok. Pray.” Bah! I didn’t want to pray! I wanted to find God’s private cell number and call Him up with a gigantic WHAT THE HECK speech. It just didn’t seem fair. I mean, seriously?

I ignored the advice to pray because I was too mad (“pissed” would be the best word to appropriately describe the level of angry I felt) so instead, I walked around Walmart. Among the people who wouldn’t judge my angry glares and where I could smash my cart into an aisle corner to let out some aggression. (No one is ever by the bird food section anyways). Ughhhhh. SO ANNOYED.

My doctor is out of the office this week (figures) so the consulting doctor told me that it could be a few things – 1) an ectopic pregnancy where the fetus is growing on my fallopian tube, requiring surgery and likely the loss of my tube, 2) an empty growing sac (often referred to as a blighted ovum) or 3) just my body being stupid (My words, not his) and not returning to normal naturally. I truly don’t think it’s the first one since I am not in any pain (and those are painful) and my levels aren’t high enough to truly think that’s the case, but its still on the table. But it’s likely just my body developing a babyless sac. Which doesn’t help my heart with the whole healing process thing.

I have to go back next week (Monday) for another set of labs to see where the number is going, then an ultrasound. (To the hopeful friend, the rise in levels do NOT signify I am viably pregnant, they would need to be in the tens of thousands at this point, this is just a slow stream of hormones being created unwanted-ly).

So now we basically wait to find out if my body will re-start the miscarriage process 2.5 weeks later or if I will require a D&C surgery to clean out my uterus. I just PRAY that my levels start to drop and this becomes “easy” again. I am so frustrated that we couldn’t just be granted the simple gift of a natural miscarriage and beta level drop. Why does this all have to be so complicated?

My friend texted me last night that she had tried to explain the situation to her husband. She prefaced the text by saying that he usually doesn’t get this type of stuff (which is understandable, its annoyingly confusing anyways) but that his response was this: “So from what I understand, which isn’t much, but it seems like her heart wanted that baby so badly and was trying to override her body and hold onto her child. Her heart held on to the hope of her baby when her body couldn’t.”

Tears.

Oh my dear heart. What a beautiful explanation of what was happening. My body isn’t ready to let go of the fact that I won’t be having this baby. But what a beautiful visualization that made the news a little more bearable.

I begrudgingly sat down to do my devotions last night and the first two sentences in Jesus Calling said “I am a God who heals. I heal broken bodies, broken minds, broken hearts …” It was exactly what I needed to read. I needed to be reminded that God CAN heal my body. That He would heal my broken heart as I angrily deal with the reality of still living this miscarriage. Sometimes my faith feels weak. I feel a little bruised and some days, like yesterday, it is hard to believe that this will ever really happen. But I was reminded that “when God wills, He moves, even when my faith is shaky.” So I HAVE to keep moving forward and believing that when God wills, He will move.

I read a powerful section in Hannah’s Hope last night:

So Jesus, through perfect prayer with holy motives, through a direct audience with the Father, asked for God to do the possible, yet even Christ did not receive what He asked. His burden was not removed. His painful trail and execution were yet to be endured. If all is possible with God, yet He chose to say no even to the request of His beloved Son, can I not rest assured that trials that seem unbearable in my life fit much better in His perfect plan than anything I can imagine from my limited viewpoint?

What a powerful reminder that even JESUS had to live with an unanswered burden. I too can carry this and trust that God’s viewpoint has answers far more glorifying that what I want today.

I still am frustrated. This takes on several more weeks of waiting before we can move forward and unless a true miracle happens, I will have to start another routine of obnoxious blood tests and painful calls from my doctor reminding me my body isn’t working right. It’s frustrating, but today I feel held by Him and calmed down from my raging emotions to remember this is such a small blip in a big picture.

I was walking down the upstairs hall with Cali last night and said “Oh Cali, when will things ever go right?”. I had to laugh at myself as I looked at the four bedrooms around me, the house underneath me, the cars in my garage and my stomach full from the dinner I ate too late. I had to chuckle because things are going right – I am blessed. Even though I still ache for more, I have more than all I need.

Please join me in praying for a miracle – for my levels to shoot down in an unheard of way and for God to move powerfully in my body. Thank you in advance for having faith when mine feels a little shaky that this will be answered.

dementors.

August 13, 201312 Comments

I am aware that I am a total blog slacker these last 2 weeks. And I am okay with that. I can’t believe it hasn’t even been two weeks since we found out my pregnancy wasn’t viable. It feel like a decade has passed since that day. Not in a flippant, “who cares!” way, just in a way I feel that it has aged me far more than 2 weeks.

We have gotten many questions – the first being “how are you” and the second being “what’s next?” So let me answer them …

How are you? The short answer is really good. We are comforted by the peace that only God can provide. I know that the peace is a result of all your prayers. I am certain of that. There are moments in the day where I swear the prayers are tangible objects floating around our house, just an arms length away. We haven’t forgotten our lost little ones, but we recognize that we can’t dwell in sadness either. Our grief cycles for the last 5 years have taught us how to pick ourselves back up and move on. And that is what we are trying to do.

Truthfully, I am more preoccupied with the fact that had I not miscarried last Christmas, I would be 37 ½ weeks pregnant. My due date just a handful of days away. As my birthday hit next Monday, I feel slightly restless at the fact that another year will come and go without an expanded family or even a pregnant belly. I continue to sort out my emotions and lay them at His feet.

What’s next? We are still prayerfully considering many options and will share and proceed when we feel the time is right. Some options include doing some extensive testing to find out if there is something wrong genetically with us or me, biopsies and exams, blood and answers. We could move ahead with our last embryo and do another frozen transfer. We could do another fresh cycle, egg retrieval and change many things around. There are a lot of options and we don’t want to proceed necessarily with the one we WANT to do, but with the one GOD wants. Join us in prayers for wisdom! The good news is that less than 1% of women suffer from 3 or more miscarriages … so I am praying that I don’t have to raise that statistic.

All in all, the support of YOU, our friends, our family, our team, has been invaluable. I feel so blessed that I can still move forward with my life. Laugh. Get dressed. Enjoy life. So many people facing similar battles struggle to do that.

I’m about to show my nerdom here …

In the books Harry Potter, there are these evil being calls Dementors. Taken straight from the book, the definition is that they are “among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them… Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself…soulless and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life.”

Do you feel it? That heaviness? That is what so many women struggling with infertility feel like they battle every day. A heaviness that lingers, draining the hope and peace and happiness from their lives. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the word is so close to “demon”. I feel like infertility is a constant battle again the demons that attack us, that try to steal our joy, our hope. Negativity can feed on negativity and before you know it, you are left with nothing but a sea of depression that swallows you up.

Another fact – dementors cannot be destroyed, though their power can be limited if the conditions in which they multiply are reduced. Which is why we constantly have to fight these our demons around us that try to pull us down and not feed into the negativity. Focus on the goodness of God. Thank Him for the peace He provides regardless of our circumstances. Refuse to feed off the despair will do nothing that bring heaviness and they will go away…

If you are struggling today, feeling like you are being attacked with dementors of your own – turn to the One who holds the power to diminish them. “We mustn’t lose the hope of a specific promise that God has given us. It may not look like we expect it to (who expected the Messiah to be born in a manager?) or arrive when we want it to arrive (who knew Abraham and Sarah could have kids in their old age?), but God is always faithful to His word. Romans 8:31-32 says, “If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all – how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?” Because this one promise is true, even if you don’t see anything else in your life working the way you think it should, it’s enough! God is still in control. And He is for you. You just have to be patient.” (Craig Groeschel)

I have quoted 2 Corinthians 12:9 over and over again throughout the years but it constantly reminds me that HIS grace is sufficient for me, His power is made perfect in my weakness. When we come to a point where our prayers haven’t been answered exactly how we wish they would have been, cling to the FACT that HE is all we need. His grace is all we need.

I adore all of you who have encouraged me by telling me I “deserve” to get pregnant and have a baby. The thought is so kind, but the truth is, I so far from deserve any kind of special grace or answered prayers. My sins are just as big as everyone elses. Just because I write a blog or send cute notecards of encouragement doesn’t mean I am any better of a person. I struggle with pride. With shame. With gossip. I have walked that sinful line of danger. When I stub my toe, drop a plate, or hit my shin, “shoot!” isn’t always the first word that pops out. I am broken. What I deserve is FAR beyond what I am currently blessed with. The beauty of that? He doesn’t care. He loves me despite all of that. His power is made perfect in my weakness. So when someone tells me I deserve to be a mom, I want to shake my head and tell them, “No, no, I do not deserve that. I deserve much different. But because of His unconditional love, grace and forgiveness, I don’t have to live in the world of what I deserve.”

Believe the truth today that you CAN combat your “dementors”. Keep His word close at hand. It’s what I have to do every day when they attack and tell me this will never happen. Or that my sins are too great to forgive. Or that I am just meant to suffer. Rebuke those lies. Let Him carry you. His hands are the best place to be.

So, did you feel like you got your daily dose of Harry Potter in? Hehe. But it’s truly how I have begun to imagine the enemy – and like Harry Potter, we have our own Patronus Charm in Him. (Wait, what? Too far? Whoops …)

Much love to you all!

i saw this at our church bookstore the other day and LOVED the message!

What a great quote I read the other day and have to jot down.

I received this precious necklace from a friend who designed and made it herself … in memory of my little ones who aren’t with us. One of the most beautiful things I have ever received. Thank you Martha!

another loss.

August 1, 201335 Comments

Once again our hearts sit shattered at our feet. Every cycle, I envision writing THE entry. The one where we get to share good news. I so thought this cycle would be it. Everything about this cycle seemed right. The embryos were beautiful and strong. My body was at rest after not having to go through the difficult egg retrieval process. I added acupuncture this time. We were surrounded by an army of prayers. I felt pregnant. I was pregnant.

I just spent the last hour and a half writing a painfully detailed blog about the last week of our life. A story that included the highs (testing positive last Saturday) and the lows (not having the hormone levels hCg be where they should). The emotions (excitement, fear, worry, praise, joy, anxiety) and the 2WW symptoms (spotting, aches, tugs and pinches). But after my computer crashed, I don’t have the heart to rewrite it all. And maybe, its better that I don’t. Because all that would do is create pity for us. And we aren’t pity-us type of people.

Man, my heart hurts. To get the call yesterday telling us that our pregnancy is no longer viable and will result in a miscarriage broke our hearts. I can’t say that I wasn’t anticipating it to a degree. I feel like God prepared me for that outcome. I struggled in the days leading up to the final test, wondering if the uncertainty in my heart was the devil trying to cause fear and steal away my joy and praise, or if God was speaking gently and quietly telling me to be prepared. I am thankful that following the doctor’s confirmation of my pregnancy on Monday, that I was able to step back and simply enjoy being pregnant. For however long it lasted. I got to enjoy 4 and a half beautiful days as a confirmed Mom and Josh, a confirmed Dad. Those are special days that we will always treasure.

For now our hearts are heavy. Following the news I simply wept and just asked Why. Why is this happening again? 2 miscarriages in 7 months? Why do we have to continue to struggle? Why have we been chosen to ache? Why can’t we become parents? The whys soon became I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I wept so hard and repeated it so much I think Cali may soon be able to say the phrase.

In my weeping, I was quietly reminded that our joy can’t come from things on this earth. My heart was filled with peace when I remembered that truly, His grace is enough for me. His power made perfect in my weakness. He is good ALL the time. Not some of the times. “I wait patiently for the Lord to help me and He turned to me and heard my cry.” (Psalm 40:1) I feel confident that our cries are being heard. The night before we found out we were pregnant, I woke up around 3 am and felt this incredible joy. I knew we were testing in the morning and all I could feel was God being so excited for the morning to come. For us to have the moment of having a positive pregnancy test and for Him to be a part of it. I didn’t even know at that point that I was pregnant, but I just felt God’s genuine excitement to bless us. And opposite to that moment, I feel His incredible sadness along side us now. I don’t resent Him for this outcome. I trust in His promises of plans to prosper us and give us a hope and a future. So with that promise tucked close to our heart, we continue to wait.

Our hearts feel slightly numb, a mixture of shock, denial and a lack of surprise. (I feel like throughout this process, you become accustom to bad news). We prayed this was it. We had so many others share dreams and words and prayers and affirmation that they too felt like this was it. I hate knowing that April 5th will now come and go, another due date to add to the calendar. I don’t know what’s next for us. To have 2 early losses isn’t normal and I would like to undergo some recurrent miscarriage testing to see if there are causes that we could prevent. I have to continue to follow this miscarriage through to completion, which is the most painful part emotionally and physically. Since I have not yet begun the physical piece of miscarriage, by doctors orders I have to finish my medications and shots and have blood work every 2 days to follow the numbers through to negative. This next week or two will be very hard for us.

Us. So often the woman is the recipient of the sympathies as its her body that physically lost the baby. But I have to say, in miscarriages, don’t forget the dad too. He lost his baby as well. Josh has been so strong and supportive throughout all of this. On the days I was anxious and discouraged, he stayed positive and optimistic. While I have been couch bound most of the last 2 weeks, he cooked my meals, cleaned the kitchen, did the laundry and helped with every tiny task. And now, while I sit at home, processing what has happened, he has to go back to work, with equal grief in his heart but as a man, is expected to be strong. Please be praying not only for me, but for my amazing husband as well.

One thing I know, “Grief is not the opposite of faith. Mourning is not the opposite of hope.” (Hannah’s Hope). While we grieve and mourn, we still hang on tight to our faith and hope. I’m not sure how long it will take to gather the pieces this time or what step we will take next. But until we are holding our child in our arms, this battle is not yet over.

third times the charm …. right?

July 19, 2013July 20, 201327 Comments

Well, this is the first time I have ever attempted to blog from my iPhone so I don’t anticipate this being long, edited well, or articulate. :) But I wanted to check in and let you all know how the transfer went! It went great! Josh and I enjoyed a breakfast out before hand. We were told our transfer would be a 1:00, and since we’re doing a pre and post transfer in office acupuncture session, we needed to check in at 11:30. Instead of trying a new place like we did the first two times, we went back to the restaurant we went to the day of our first transfer, since that one resulted in a BFP.

Our table at the cafe

Then, with my lucky socks on (thanks Ashley!), our excitement high and tummy’s full, we headed to the clinic!

My acupuncturist met us there and chatted with us while I quickly guzzled 32 oz of water in 10 minutes, then administered such a relaxing session. Josh got to watch and I slept and relaxed. I think the Valium helped the nap. :) We then went back into prep to change. We were anxious to hear how the thaw went. We knew we had 3 embryos frozen and were praying that at least 2 survived the thaw, ideally the first two thawed so we would still have 1 left. The nurses spent extra time with us and it seemed like ages until the doctor came in. FINALLY we got good news that our first two embryos thawed! In fact, one was already hatching! (Embryos are in a mothers egg, much like a chickens. Unlike a chicken though, the embryo breaks free from its shell when it’s strong enough to survive solely on its own genes and is ready to attach itself to the uterine wall. Way to go little over achiever!) The transfer itself went so smoothly, the easiest one thus far, and after resting for a while in the procedure room, we were brought back to meet with the acupuncturist. She administered a different kind of session and man, I was out like a light! I was so relaxed and calm. I really felt such a sense of peace.

Since then, I’ve been at home on strict bedrest! We are so blessed to have others help us with meals. And I was blessed with some goodies as well. So greatly appreciated!!

So now we wait! God knows the outcome of this cycle and we can only pray, beg and plead that His will lines up with our hearts desires. We are so blessed to have so many people praying for us! We were blessed by many posts requesting prayers on our behalf yesterday, as well as a special friend who even fasted for the day for us. Wow. Incredible.

So now we ask you to continue in your faithful prayers for us. We continue to feel the calling to be parents and know that God is the giver of life. I was reading this verse in Matthew on Wednesday and it seemed to be a perfect message for my heart: “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” (Matthew 6:34 MSG)

ok! Enough with this phone blogging … 3 hours later …. You guys rock.

praises and prayers.

July 14, 201319 Comments

Okay friends, you are all AMAZING prayer warriors! Since I posted my last blog I have not spotted ONCE. I mean it. That is INCREDIBLE and a validation that God is listening and that He hears the needed affirmations of our hearts. (Not that I needed that validation to believe He was listening, but it sure does help!) Man, I am so grateful for your prayers! I won’t know about my lining until the day of transfer (4 days away! AH!) but I am praying its exactly here God wants it to be. The nurse did call and let me know we are still on schedule for the transfer; however, my estradiol levels are very low. Not low enough to cancel the transfer, but low enough to require some more serious prayers.

I was so busy giving you a medical update last post that I forgot to mention all the exciting things that have been going on in our lives since July started! Here you go:

We celebrated our 8 year wedding anniversary. Here’s a few pictures from that special day in 2005!

We were able to sneak away for the overnight, penny-paid-for staycation! We had SUCH a blast. We walked around the city and spent some time in Barnes and Nobles hunting for Waldo’s and Wenda’s. We stopped at Candyland for a treat and enjoyed dinner out. We laughed, had breakfast in bed and didn’t talk about IVF or infertility. It was lovely.

a brief look at our weekend!

never afraid to be silly!

Then Josh celebrated his birthday – the big 3-1! We had some friends over for a BBQ and of course, ice cream cake.

from Cali :)

His one request every birthday!

I grew up close to Six Flags Great America in Chicago and have been longing to ride a rollercoaster recently. Not since my senior year, Mr. Rink’s physic class trip have I gone! I knew that once I am pregnant (God willing!), roller coasters would be out of the question, probably for a while, so my sister and I snuck away to Valley Fair for a day at the amusement park. Now, no, the roller coasters aren’t Six Flags quality, but once there, I also realized that my stomach no longer is 16, so the quicker less intense rides were greatly appreciated! Still, I managed to have the need to spend some time on a bench waiting for the world to stop spinning and the highlight of our day was going around and around (and around and around) the lazy river. I don’t know how, but I managed to get flipped so if you ever want to know what it’s like to be upside down in 3 feet of water, just ask me.

I finished the last of my tummy shots (and hope that it’s the last ones for a lonnnggg time) and just started PIO booty shots! (Progesterone in Oil) Not so fun, but SOOO worth it knowing the medicine will hopefully help me carry a full term baby! (Again God willing). We took this silly shot last night with the first injection – the first of ones that will hopefully last every night for the next 15 weeks.

Hopefully the last time I will need to see this in a while!

Infertility is literally a pain in the butt. HA! (Hey, can’t lose our sense of humor in all this, can we??)

All in all, life is good. I am constantly re-reminded of the words in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NLT) “Always be joyful. Always keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ.” I am sure we can all reflect back on the troubles in life, the hardships and the frustrations. But the words of Christ have never been more true – Always be joyful. It can seem so hard to find that joy sometimes but I learn and experience more and more each day that our joy is not to be rooted in our wants or desires, our successes and our victories. They are simply to be rooted in Him. Joyful always. No particular circumstances required.

I played book roulette the other night – you know, that game I love, where I flip to something, in this case a page, and whatever is on the page is meant for me to read at that moment. The words pierced my heart and renewed my spirit: “Today we suffer. Today we don’t understand….Someday all the scattered, broken pieces will fall into place, and we will suddenly understand the hand of God has been upon us all the time. All the tragedy – all the darkness – will instantly be swallowed up by triumph. What a perfect ending to our imperfect stories!”

I love that. He wipes every tear from our eyes, He holds us so close. I have to chose to believe that if I knew everything He knew, that I would chose this exact same journey for us. We are more than conquers in Christ Jesus.

So please join us in praying for a few things this week:

1 – complete peace in our hearts that this transfer is God’s timing despite the less than ideal circumstances of last Friday’s doctors appointment;

2- that my lining is perfectly where God wants it to be and that my estradiol levels raise to a point where pregnancy is possible and sustainable;

3 – that our embryos thaw perfectly. (We won’t find out their status until Thursday morning when we arrive to the clinic);

4 – that the transfer goes well on Thursday, exactly according to God’s will; and

5 – that our hearts will be filled with joy, peace, and encouragement as we step down this emotionally overwhelming path again.

We are so blessed to call you our friends and supporters. He has placed you in our lives for a reason and we are ever so thankful for that!

waiting with Him.

July 2, 20138 Comments

Gulp. I really don’t know how so much time passes between blog entries sometimes. I appreciate those of you who scold me and tell me to write. It reminds me that you rely on these to direct your prayers but also, it helps you know how we are doing without feeling like you are constantly asking. So thank you for pestering me to sit down and blog.

Let’s see…today is Josh’s and my 8^th anniversary! It seems like just yesterday we were saying “I do”. Fast forward to today and I continue to feel so blessed and honored to be his wife and to have the marriage that we do. Infertility can do nasty things to marriages and I am so grateful that it has drawn us closer and closer together, reminding us always that our foundation needs to be firmly rooted in HIM. I never thought our journey in life would be as such, but I find so many joys and blessings in these hard times, because it reminds me that these “tough times” bring us closer to God and to each other. We both feel uniquely blessed with our burden of infertility.

I have been through 6 rounds of acupuncture and while I still struggle to relax, have found it to be oddly therapeutic. I have had her dwindle the 45 minutes of “quiet time” down to 20 minutes and now find it possible to actually enjoy the quiet. And … I think it’s working. Which is hard to say because I am/was a little skeptical. But 15 days into shots later … I have YET to have a hot flash OR headache caused by the Lupron. In the IF (infertility) world, many call Lupron the “medicine of the devil” because – well, it seems that way. The side effects are awful but this time, I can honestly say that I have had NO SIDE EFFECTS. Not one. Praise God! I consider it to be a huge answered prayer.

I had a doctor’s appointment on Friday which is what is called a “baseline” appointment. After being on shots for 10 days, they make sure everything is suppressed and quiet and all hormone levels are low. Prayers were answered and everything went perfect during that appointment and we were given the “OK” to start adding new meds to my daily regimen. I did experience my first headache caused from these new hormones on both Saturday night and Sunday night so will talk to my acupuncturist today to see what we can do about those. But otherwise with the exception of a little extra tiredness, I wouldn’t even know I was midst a cycle.

16 days till our transfer. Can you believe it?? July is our month.

The word “hope” keeps coming up a lot lately. It’s a powerful word. Someone recently told me (and I wish I could remember who so I could give them credit!) that we are not called to Hope in what God can or will do for us. We are simply told to Hope in God. Put our hope in HIM, not in His power. Strong words.There are lyrics by Natalie Grant that say “But our hope endures the worst of conditions. It’s more than our optimism.” When I heard that, I had to stop and think. I feel like so often in our Christian walk, we do consider hope to be our optimism in Christ. But it’s so much more than that. I recently read: “The biblical definition of hope is “confident expectation.” Hope is a firm assurance regarding things that are unclear and unknown. The righteous who trust or put their hope in God will be helped, and they will not be confounded, put to shame, or disappointed. The righteous who have this trustful hope in God, have a general confidence in God’s protection and help and are free from fear and anxiety.” Hmm, true hope in God is being confident enough to trust in Him completely, so completely that fear and worry have no place in our heart. Am I truly, fully hoping in Him?

Romans 8:24-25 says this: “We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.” Patience and confidence. Waiting and hope. Key words that affect many of our lives.

In Jesus Calling last month, there was a sentence that stuck out to me: Wait patiently with Me while I bless you. Who caught that key word? With. So often we think He is saying “Wait patiently for Me.” But isn’t it quite the opposite – He is waiting WITH us. And how sad it is that we want to rush through that time of waiting with Him to have our own earthly satisfactions? If you were living in Bethlehem when Jesus was walking on earth and He said, “Come wait with me.”, how amazing would that be? To sit in the presence of God and wait? Anything could be put on hold just to have that time with Him! Well, isn’t it true that we all have that opportunity in our own times of wait? He’s clearly telling us – Not now. It will come. In the meantime, wait patiently with Me. I feel silly that I want to rush through this time. This is the time to be savored! Waiting with Jesus? Nothing could be better. This is the time where we learn the most.

So what’s He saying to you? “Wait patiently with Me while these challenges of life pass.” or “Wait patiently with Me while you wait for a job offer.” Wait patiently with Me as you battle infertility.” Or “Wait patiently with Me as you strive to strengthen your marriage.” “Wait patiently with Me as you deal with financial concerns.” Or “Wait patiently with Me as you battle this disease.” Wait WITH Him. Stop waiting FOR Him. He is already there.

I have a new favorite Bible verse – it’s become the motto of this cycle for me. It’s Micah 7:7: As for me, I look to the Lord for help. I wait confidently for God to save me, and my God will certainly hear me. (NLT) I love the Message version of it too – But me, I’m not giving up. I’m sticking around to see what God will do. I’m waiting for God to make things right. I’m counting on God to listen to me.

We are not giving up. We are confident that God hears us. And in the meantime, we are waiting patiently with Him.

So, major praises are in order that I haven’t ended up on anyone’s lawn yet this cycle. I hope that the minimal side effects continue! I have to thank everyone for the continued love, prayers, packages and support you have offered to Josh and I. Many of you have been on this journey with us a LONG time. In fact, just the other day I saw in my One-Line-a-Day journal that it was (now) over 4 years ago that we had our first infertility appointment at the doctor after TTC for a while unsuccessfully. 4 years of medication, over 4 years of trying. So many friends have met their spouse, gotten married, and had a child or two already in that time frame. It was a shocking reminder of how long this journey has been. And yet, so many of you have stayed faithful in prayer for us during this time and it blesses my heart every single time I think about it. So thank you. Thank you for the continued comments and likes. For following along with us, praying for us, texting me encouragement spontaneously. These “little things” are HUGE things to me.

I will check in sooner next time! Until then ….

in a funk.

June 17, 201326 Comments

My emotions have felt a little off this last week. As our FET gets closer and closer, I should be getting more and more excited, right? Instead, I feel like this time off has given me too much time to think, analyze, think some more. Someone told me with such joy the other day that “this will be it!” and it made me want to laugh in their face. I’m afraid this last week I have become a bit of a skeptic. I read a section from a book the other day and felt exactly like the TTC author:

“Before I could get away my friend patted me on the shoulder. “My husband and I are believing God for a miracle for you. You never know. Maybe you’ll be a modern day Sarah.” I suppressed an irritated response. How many times had I heard that? More than I could count. I was sick of it. Sick of Sarah, sick of begging God for a baby, sick of being told to just have faith…” (Empty Womb, Aching Heart)

It felt a little too close to home. I am not angry, I am just tired of it all. I am frustrated that we have to do this again. I am scared that the outcome will be the same as the others. I keep seeing families around me getting older, adding new members and I feel old. I never ever pictured hitting my 8 year anniversary in July without a family full of children. I feel as if this journey has aged me. This next cycle feels like I am buying a lottery card. I HOPE I will win the jackpot but I don’t actually BELIEVE it will happen. I no longer can picture myself pregnant, no longer can visual our baby nursery and the thought of thinking up cute baby names makes me irritated and sad now as so many get taken by fertile friends.

I feel like I have become so used to things not working out, that the thought that they might actually work out seems preposterous. Confession – I actually rolled my eyes while praying the other night about getting pregnant. It was an unintentional act that appalled me as soon as it happened. Where did my faith go? How come my heart has become so cautiously skeptical?

I keep having these awful dreams where I find out I am 6 weeks pregnant and in my dream, go into self sabotage mode to do everything I can to cause a miscarriage. In my dream I am certain it will happen and want to spare myself the pain of bonding with the baby and having it catch me off guard, as the bleeding always has. They are horrible and I wake up abruptly, sad and scared. Why is it that even my subconscious is prepared for the worst, but never the best? Where did my dreams go where I am holding my baby? Changing diapers and playing outside with diapered children? At a baby shower that is actually MINE? It feels like I can’t escape.

It seems my heart has settled on that fact that maybe this isn’t in the cards for me. And I hate that. I am clinging onto the hope of having a child, but I want the belief that it can happen to come back. I am starting shots again this Wednesday and want to be excited at this chance and opportunity to have a child, not dreading going through the painful motions to only end up empty again.

In life, we go through seasons of doubt and fear, hope and joy. It does bring me comfort just scrolling through this blog to remind myself I have been in this place before. A place of neutrality. A place where I am feeling desperate. And a little lost to be honest.

I continue to cry out to God and wrestle with Him for the answers that my heart is searching for. I have to turn over that fear, doubt, frustration, sadness, hurt and pain to Him. As a devotional stated, “It’s better to shout at Him than to be silent, better to call him unkind than not to call on Him at all.” It’s so true and I am thankful He is willing to listen.

It’s comforting to be in a place where I am reminded that God doesn’t expect me to love my infertility or be happy about this journey. It isn’t my place to compare what God has done for others with what He has done, will do or could do for me. I have to remember that my life’s purpose may be different than yours and trust that it’s all part of a larger picture, a puzzle that He can see the final result of. All He asks, is that when I have my days, or in this case, my week, that I bring it to Him. That I am honest with my doubt and frustrations because, well, He knows anyways.

It’s not easy. I keep seeing these miracles happening to all of those around me and I can’t help but wonder “Why not me?”. Why do they get another baby, when I am just asking for one? I feel weary. Which is when Matthew 11:28 comes to mind and sits on my heart: “Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”

This isn’t something I need to handle on my own. It isn’t a battle that I am left alone to fight. Infertility feels consuming, but only if I let it consume me. If I take my eyes off of the One that should be consuming me, then I have lost all perspective.

So I keep fighting. I keep praying. I keep begging. I don’t know what this next month will bring, but I can only trust that if God has brought Josh and me to this path, then He will walk with us along it. That we will not be burned. That He will never leave us.

So I turn to you – my dear friends and faithful readers – asking for prayer as well. Prayers that my heart will be softened to believe that this is possible. That the dreams will go away. That the start of the shots in 2 days brings excitement for our potential blessing opposed to indifference. I could use a little encouragement. Not the “well, my friends neighbors cousins didn’t even have FALLOPIAN TUBES and she got pregnant so if she could, you can!” kind of encouragement. But I need cheerleaders – scripture, words of hope and promise, anything to re-energize me for round 3. I need a little caffeine boost to my heart.

acu-whatttt?

June 4, 2013June 6, 201325 Comments

First of all, THANK YOU for all the love and support that came from my last post. I was astonished by the amount of times it was shared, read and how many messages I received as a result. I had so many great conversations about other areas that people struggle in – women that complain about their body image when another would love that figure, or complaining about their spouse when others would love a spouse. Overall the message was received that we have to be extra cautious in a world filled with sin, where complaining comes naturally, NOT to turn our blessings into burdens. Whatever that they may be. The conversations had were excellent reminders to me that I am guilty of complaining about things that are blessings and it’s helped me put life’s “challenges” into perspective. Another conversation reminded me that we are called to carry each other’s burdens as Christians and the beautiful thing about that is that usually, we can pick our audience. Anyways, thanks for all the love and support! Meant so much!

So with that said ….

In the world of IVF, after a failed cycle, you have what is lovingly termed a “WTF” appointment with your doctor. You know, the What the fickle-doo happened!? talk. You basically fire off questions on WHAT HAPPENED!? Why am I not pregnant?! while your doctor patiently answers and re-answers the variations of the same question. I was able to have this conversation with Dr. C a few weeks ago and wanted to pass off some of the answers I was given, as many of you are asking these great questions to me! (I’ll summarize in a Q & A format and just include the highlights as to not bore you.)

Q: Are you concerned with my egg quality or has this just been bad luck?

A: I am not concerned about your egg quality. I really just think it’s been bad luck. The fact that you had blasts to freeze both cycles is great news and many don’t have that. But truly, everything else looks good. All other tests have come back really positive and I don’t see any reason to have concerns that this won’t happen for you.

Q: We were never told the percentage chance of pregnancy on transfer day. What was our percentage going into this last round?

A: With two morulas, grade B, it was only 30-35%. We tend not to share that unless asked as we don’t want to discourage our patients. (My note – I am glad I didn’t know that! We were told it would be higher at the start of the cycle but based on what was transferred, was much lower than anticipated.)

Q: And what would be our percentage this time with an FET and the frozen embryos we intend to transfer?

A: Your frozen embryos are all grade B’s. With your age and the quality of embryos, I would give you at least 45% but likely much closer to 55%. At least.

Q: How does the thawing process work?

A: We thaw one at a time. We have an 85-90% thaw success rate and all 3 of your embryos are very strong. I wouldn’t be concerned that they don’t make the thaw. I recommend you transfer 2 again and we start by thawing the best embryos in order until we have your 2 thawed and ready for transfer.

Q: So tell me more about the FET protocol.

A: You would start with being on BCP (birth control pills) for about a month and then move to Lupron shots each day to ensure your ovaries are quiet. Then, instead of stimulating your ovaries, we simply need to stimulation your lining to make it ready for a transfer. We do this with careful monitoring and a few weeks of the estrogen pills and progesterone shots. You had great lining both times so I am not concerned that this will be an issue for you.

Q: Is there anything differently that I could do to make this more successful? A different diet? Weight loss? Acupuncture?

A: Your BMI is at a healthy level and of course we encourage all patients to have a healthy balanced diet. I have no concerns with you whatsoever. With acupuncture, there is absolutely no harm done and we have seen it to be very successful. We have a few acupuncturists that come in to do pre-and post transfer acupuncture sessions on patients in the clinic the day of the transfer. There is no reason I would suggest not doing it and many patients find it to be very helpful with their stress levels, as well as it does increase blood flow to the uterus.

Q: Anything else?

A: I have no reason to believe this won’t work for you. With many PCOS patients, we see a few cycles being common but we have high success rates with patients just like you. You have no male factor and only an ovulatory issue. I truly have no reason to doubt that you won’t have success.

So after that conversation, Josh and I both feel hopeful for this next step. I know that in the end, only GOD can make this work. And He already knows the outcome of this next leg in our journey. At times, I find myself completely filled with hope for whatever comes our way. Other times (usually between 2 am and 4 am), I find myself completely lost in a world of worry, fearful that this fight will never end. It’s usually in those moments where I think of Job. Our story is so far away from Job’s – sure, there are precious things we loved and lost, but some days I feel like I am walking this tightrope where I can’t bear to think about God allowing Satan to test us any further, remove anything from our lives, destroy what we care about. Would we get through it, with a love still shining for Him? Yes, I truly believe so. I just don’t know if I have the strength for that test. My mind will race – what will it be? Will something happen to Cali? My precious fur baby that brings me so much happiness? Will it be Josh’s job? Will it be the death of a close family member? Will it be a life-threatening diagnosis (or re-diagnosis) of someone we love?

In Jr. High and High School, we would travel with our youth group to conferences where at the end, me, an emotional charged teenager would stand, arms raised to the sky and cry out to God to “send anything my way!” Prove me, O Lord, and try me; test my heart and my mind. (Psalm 26:2). Now, I find my heart pleading Oh God, no more! Please stop testing me! No more trying! Give me a chance to catch up. It’s not that I don’t think I could handle it. If anything, this whole journey reminds me that my strength is not my own, and I know that God’s strength in me could handle anything. I’m just tired. I don’t want to be tried or tested anymore. I just want my miracle.

As we prepare for this FET cycle, I have decided to give acupuncture a try. I mean, there is no harm per my doctor and I have several TTC-er friends who swear by it. I was uncertain, still am. But with an open mind I ventured to my first appointment last week.

Acupuncture is a type of Chinese medication that uses carefully placed thin needles into certain points of the body to increase blood flow and stimulate parts of your body. It seems bizarre, but again, with no harm and studies showing it does lead to slightly higher success rates, I am willing to try it! (A recent study had 2 groups of 80 women undergoing IVF. One set was given weekly acupuncture and 34 of those women got pregnant, opposed to 21 in the IVF-only group.)

Unsure and somewhat skeptical, I called an acupuncturist, Lauren, that my doctor highly recommended and made my first appointment. She specializes solely in fertility acupuncture and from the first phone call, we clicked. I ventured to the clinic last week (dressed in comfy clothes as instructed.) As I entered the partial basement clinic in Uptown, I was a little hesitant. As I sat in the waiting room that smelled like dirt (because of all the herbal medications surrounding me, a frequently used type of treatment for those not undergoing IVF), I was concerned. As I listened to the littlest water fountain splash tiny drops of water over its edge onto the pebbles below, I had to go to the bathroom. (Not really, but they really should get a bigger water fountain.) It certainly was a little bizarre but I kept reminding myself if my highly paid doctor was suggesting this and her, I didn’t have too much to be concerned about. I met with Lauren and we went over EVERYTHING. We looked at my chart and talked about my history start to end. It was much more therapeutic than I imagined! She knew what questions to ask, empathized during tough stages in our journey and was incredibly perceptive with asking follow up questions that would tie things together. After about an hour and a half, she told me a little about what to expect. “A typical needle sensation may have a brief burning sensation immediately around the insert location but will be brief. Most you shouldn’t be able to feel. Let me know if any cause pain.” I laid on a table, similar to a massage table, on my back, and she asked me to pull my leggings up over my knee caps and pull my shirt up a bit to expose my tummy. She alcohol swabbed several areas and then quickly and simply began to place these tiny needles into me. A few in my shins and knees, 1 in each foot, ear and hand, 1 in my head and 1 between my eyes and a few in my tummy. At this point, I was really perplexed. Truthfully, I wasn’t in any pain. I felt 1 or 2 of them in my knees but otherwise I felt nothing. It was SO bizarre. Just as quickly as she inserted the needles, she turned on some relaxing music, put a few heat lamps over me, set a doorbell under my fingertips to call if needed and turned off the lights and left. “Now I will give you time to relax. Many clients sleep.” and poof! The door shut and I was left laying on a table in a lookout basement in Uptown covered with needles in the dark.

That’s when the insanity of all this kicked in.

What am I DOING?! I am laying on a table with needles all over me? What if I roll off? What if I stab my brain with a needle if I twitch really bad and roll? (Unlikely, I know, but still a valid concern at the moment). Did I feel a needle pinch? OUCH YES! That hurts! Wait, no it doesn’t. I don’t feel it anymore. Ummm, what kind of cd is it? Waves? Or fountains trickling? Hehe. I’m glad I don’t have to go to the bathroom. I’m bored. I have needles in me. This is weird. How do people relax? And sleep? I barely sleep at night in bed after laying there for 5 hours with several pillows! Wait, do I have to go to the bathroom? She said she will be back in 30 minutes. I am going to go insane. Insane. In-sane. Bane. Bane like the guy in Batman. That was a good movie. Ohhh like Dark Knight. Awww, Heath Ledger. That was so sad. OUCH! My ear. Wait, it’s gone. Sighhhhhh….

Then it all went blurry.

“Hi Chelsea, I’m back. How was your rest?”

WHHHHHAAATTTTTT????

I fell asleep.

I have NO idea how it happened. My heart was racing so fast and I was so confused for a minute (or 10) wondering how the heck that happened. I fell asleep. One minute I was re-mourning over the loss of Heath Ledger and worrying about Matilda (his daughter) and the next, I was being woken up with lights being turned back on and needles being swiftly pulled from my flesh.

I have no idea.

I wish I could tell you what happened in that 28 minutes. I stumbled to my car wondering if she drugged me with needles. I felt rested and great. Just sooo perplexed and I still don’t know what to think.

I had my second appointment today and while I didn’t fall asleep this time, I was relaxed again (I think?). I don’t feel any different, but I just don’t know what to think at this point. Only time will tell!

Shots start in 2 weeks! Can’t believe we are here again. But I am ready and generally feel hopeful. At the end of the day, we trust in a God that cares and is the sole provider of our joy. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have difficult moments, but it means that when they come, I turn them over to Him with a trust that He is in control.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” (1 Peter 5:7-10)