a walk down memory lane.

September 30, 201310 Comments

The other night I laid awake thinking about the fact that a blog entry was waiting to be written and praying for a topic to be placed upon my heart. A word. A brilliant thought. A meaningful verse or a recollection of a recent story that could be tied into significant writing. Instead I came up empty handed. In fact, instead of being bestowed with an entry that sparkled like Tierra (hehe, Bachelor joke), my brain instead simply kept rerunning the phrase, “I’m tired.”

It began to pluck what life has looked like for me that last year. The moments we have gone though.

The excitement. The joyous feeling of that first cycle. The highest highs of hope. The adrenaline.

The egg retrieval. Our beautiful 11 eggs.

The visit to the ER in the middle of the night. The overstimulation.

The transfer. That moment of seeing our two precious little babies for the first time, in their smallest cell-form. Knowing that everything up until this point was beautifully worth it.

The moment we saw the words “Pregnant” show up on the digital screen.

The moment of racing to the store to buy our first onsies. (My eyes still fill with tears when I remember those precious moments of being pregnant and so painfully unaware that anything could go wrong). The joy of picking out Mommy and Daddy outfits for one another.

The moments of telling our parents and my sister we were pregnant. The look of surprise on their faces. The tears shed. The hugs given. The dreams dreamt.

The weird cramping. The trip to the bathroom. The blood. The realization.

The call from the doctor, “I’m so sorry ….”

The days in bed, weeping from the deepest part of my soul. The pain.

The words of Meredith Andrews playing on repeat, “And every step, every breath You are there. Every tear, every cry, every breath. In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down. Not for a moment, will You forsake me…. After all, You are constant. After all, You are only good. After all, You are sovereign.”

The decision to try again. The leap of faith into the second cycle.

The egg retrieval. 14 God-given eggs this time.

The transfer. Our 2 little ones cozied up in Mommy’s tummy.

My first Mother’s Day as a real Mom.

The scared excitement of what this would bring.

The early bleeding. The cramping. Learning that it was over.

The confusion. The pain.

The decision that it was time to transfer our two frostie babies.

Learning that they made the thaw. Seeing them for the first time. Celebrating the moment.

The early bleeding again. The relief when it went away. The fear. Oh, the fear.

Seeing those two beautiful perfect lines pop up on a home pregnancy test. The words “Pregnant” shining on the digital again.

The terrified joy we felt.

Confirming we were expecting with the doctor. The news that they numbers weren’t as high as we had hoped.

The call a few days later to let us know the pregnancy was no longer viable.

The heartbreak.

The exhaustion.

The final blood work 3 weeks later.

The emergency ultrasound. The concern of an ectopic pregnancy.

The D&C surgery. The recovery.

The exhaustion.

And all these moments don’t include the shots. The pills. The patches. The suppositories. The juices drank and the oil rubbed on my tummy.

And as I laid in bed running through the memories of the last 10 months, I couldn’t help but validate my brains statement … ‘I’m tired.”

I would never imagine 10 months ago, that this is where my story would be. As I laid there thinking about all of this, I couldn’t help but feel this wave of frustration run over me. God, what’s the plan here? We have prayed faithfully this whole time that when we are meant to stop, that He would make it clear to us and despite the outcomes and surgery, I couldn’t feel stronger about that fact that we are supposed to march on in this journey. But I’m tired.

The funny thing is, when I woke up, my sister had sent me a message about a dream she had during the night. The details shared were exactly what I needed to hear and in a nutshell, the message was simple. God is using our story for His glory, even if I don’t see it. And Satan wants nothing more than to put my spirit, my hope, my joy, to death. He wants me to take his bitter pill and self obstruct. It was exactly the message I needed to hear to remind myself that I have to actively choose NOT to take that bitter pill each day. To look for the ways that God is using this for good. And when I take the time to look, I see them all around me.

So now the million dollar question everyone is asking … what’s next?

I have been transparently open to you all during our journey. Please know that when our hearts are ready, we will know and share what’s next. I promise. I appreciate in the meantime, your respect of not pressing us for details until that time. With all we have been through this last year, the questions “What’s next? When’s the next cycle? What’s the plan?” has become tiring. Part of me understands that you are all just excited for the future and what it may hold, the other part makes me feel like you don’t understand how exhausted I feel. Truly, I know your intentions are so good, but I have a little guard up on my heart protecting the little strength I have left. Simply talking about it drains me of that.

I promise you this: my desire for a baby remains strong. I still hope and pray that someday, that dream God has planted in our hearts becomes a reality. But for now, I will regather my strength. I will be intentional each day about rejecting the pity party pill. I will continue to look for the good in the story, because it’s there. And I will continue to be eternally grateful for each of you and the role you play in this story. You have no idea how much you mean.

“May our weary hearts be filled with hope…” –Gungor-

failed expectations.

September 13, 2013September 13, 201322 Comments

Okay, I’ll say it, I am ready for fall. I feel like a hypocrite, as being a Minnesotan, we have maybe 2-3 months of summer, a week of fall and then 9 months of winter. But we haven’t really had a fun-in-the-sun summer this year; it’s been more a melt-your-face-off summer. And now, I am ready to unpack my boots and scarves, dabble in fall nail polish colors and order hot drinks from Starbucks. Oh, and not to mention fall TV shows coming back. Revenge! Grey’s Anatomy! Vampire Diaries! Oh my!

(It’s okay to remind me in October after our first snow storm that I wished this upon myself.)

I was recently nominated by another blogger as for a Sunshine Award. What I have been told is that “the Sunshine Award recognizes bloggers whose writings ‘light up the dark corners of our minds’”. It was an honor to be nominated! Thanks to Kate from A Hundred Affections for the nomination! Along with the nomination come questions for the blogger (me) to answer, so here you go!

Favorite color? To wear on my fingernails, pink or gray. To wear in clothes, black. To buy something that color of, usually some shade of blue.

Favorite animal? Morkie, of course! (Maltese-Yorkie aka Cali). But if I had to pick another one, it would probably be a giraffe, going back to my younger days as I was obsessed with the Ty Beanie Baby Twigs.

Favorite number? My birthdate, 19. (Fact, I played my very first game of roulette on our cruise and won with this number!)

Favorite nonalcoholic drink? I love Arnie Palmers (half lemonade, half iced tea), Shirley Temples (sprite and grenadine) and anything from Starbucks.

Favorite alcoholic drink? I rarely drink but when I do, I enjoy a glass of Moscato wine or anything with champagne.

Facebook or Twitter? Facebook. I still don’t really understand Twitter but enjoy following people.

My Passions? Living a life that is pleasing to God. My husband and pup. Spending time with family. Reading. Sitting in a coffee shop. Serving at our church. Cooking. Hosting events.

There you go! Then I am asked to nominate others for the Sunshine Award – I am working on linking other blogs to mine with a “Blogs I follow” page so stay tuned for those.

In other news, my beta finally reached ZERO! *CHEERS!* We found out last Friday and that’s been a huge relief. I have my Saline Infused Sonogram today (in about 2 hours actually!). This is the FINAL step in closing out this last cycle. It’s simply put a test where saline (salt solution) is inserted into the uterus and then my doctor will look at the lining to ensure it is free from cysts, polyps and scarring. We are praying that everything looks A-okay as it has in the past and that the D&C didn’t change that.

Driving in to the appointment last week, I was listening to a podcast from Pastor Steven Furtick about expectations. The series was great – it looked at what we do when others fail our expectations, when we fail others expectations of us and when we fail our own expectations. But the message that I was listening to was freshingly real – it was about what we do when God fails our expectations. Gulp. It talked about how frustration is born when our expectations doesn’t match our experience. We expect certain things to happen and they don’t. And sometimes, God is at the center of our expectations – and He doesn’t come through. Our prayers seem to fall flat and it can seem like God just didn’t provide for us the way we hoped and prayed. Pastor Furtick then said something that was hard to hear, but true – he said, “if you follow God, expect to be disappointed.”

Eeeeeeek.

Awkward.

The reason being is that we serve a God that is SO great, so powerful and we know that He COULD do ANYTHING He wanted. And when He doesn’t, we are disappointed. Confused. We still trust Him, or at least we should, but that disappointment and letdown stings.

He used the example of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus (when Lazarus was sick). Can you imagine being friends with Jesus, having Him over for dinner, hanging out, chillin’? (I am sure Jesus appreciates me using the word “chilli’” to describe Him. But doesn’t He totally seem like He would just sit back, relax with friends, laugh at how totally surprised that blind guy was when He could see again. He was HUMAN. He chilled.)

I digress. Anyways, so here you have Jesus’ close friends, ones described in the Bible as people he loved and one of them gets really sick. His sisters have been watching Christ’s ministry. They have seen so many healings and it probably seems silly to worry about their brother at this point. Just call Jesus! They say. Let Him know Lazarus is sick. Martha probably went back into the kitchen at that point to cook up a stew for Him to eat when He got there.

And Jesus gets the message. He hears His friend is sick. And what does He do? He stays. Right where He was. And Lazarus dies.

Failed expectations. Four days later, Jesus shows up. And Martha simply says ““Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” Talk about being honest and direct with the Lord about failed expectations! I love it.

How many times have I cried out to Him simply saying “God, if you would have answered my prayers, my baby would still be here.”; “God, if you had intervened, you could have prevented this miscarriage.”; “God, if you had been here, I wouldn’t have needed this surgery.”; “God, if you would just touch me, I would be healed.”

Honesty. I think it’s something that we can lack in our walk sometimes. We THINK about how hurt we are with Him for not answering our prayers, but how often do we say, Lord, if you had … then…

He knows our hearts. I think her reaction was so beautifully appropriate.

And Jesus response to Martha wasn’t “How dare you speak to me like that! I know what I could have done!”

He answers with love, telling her that her brother would rise again.

Then Mary comes out of the house weeping and does the same thing. “Jesus! If you would have been there, then …” And Jesus again, doesn’t scold her for talking to Him like that. In fact, His reaction breaks my heart.

“When Jesus saw her weeping … he was deeply moved in his spirit… Then Jesus wept.” (John 11)

He wept in His humanness over the loss of His friend. Even though He had the power to save Him, He hadn’t and even though He knew the grand plans, He wept.

I believe strongly that when we wept, when our expectations are let down, when we cry out why, Jesus joins us in our weeping.

But the story doesn’t stop there.

In John 11, Jesus tells the sisters “Didn’t I tell you that you would see God’s glory if you believe?” He went to the tomb, rolled away the stone and said “Father, thank you for hearing me. You always hear me, but I said it out loud for the sake of all these people standing here, so that they will believe you sent me.”

And Lazarus was the first man raised from the dead by Jesus.

You see – Jesus was healing people, but He needed to prove that He was the man of God. And this resurrection is what helped led people to believe. (John 11:45)

I share all of this for a simple reason – and it’s one that struck me again last week and is one I have to carry in my heart each day – when it seems that God doesn’t provide for us the way we hoped, we HAVE to remember that God doesn’t share our perspective. And because of that, His plans aren’t always going to line up with ours.

But He will come. He will be with us. He will weep. And then, when the time is right, His glory will be shown. I truly believe that.

I hope this reminder blesses you today as much as it’s blessed me. I better get going now so I can get ready for my appointment. Maybe I will even stop on the way for a Starbucks iced tea to celebrate the last days of summer as I patiently wait for fall to usher in.

Happy Friday friends!

whirlwind.

September 5, 201310 Comments

What a whirlwind this last week has been! Sometimes when I sit down to write about what’s been going on in my life and I think “Did that all really happen to me?” It can feel like I am living someone else’s story sometimes and it feels weird. But reality is that this is my story!

The D&C went really well. I wasn’t too worried going into it, just hopeful that the complications wouldn’t happen. I felt SO blessed by all of the messages I received from friends letting me know they were praying for “The 5” requests. I felt clothed in prayers, my anxiety at bay and felt like this was just something to check off my list. I was so grateful to have my mom accompany me to the procedure and it truly went as perfect as possible. My doctor left right away, while I was still coming out of sedation, to bring the tissues to the hospital lab. These tissues needed to be cleared as positive for pregnancy in order for us to be cleared to leave on our trip. I was so thankful she got those results expedited. In fact, while I was still in recovery she came back letting us know everything came back as hoped. Praise God. Before I knew it, I was back home with prescriptions for nausea, pain and some awesome nylon underwear. My cramping was so minimal and for the most part, I just felt sleepy from the anesthesia.

After the surgery – everything went great!

I tried to wear my lucky socks but apparently not having grippy’s on the bottom is a major hospital violation. Well, I tried.

Then the exciting part – Josh and I had planned a last minute cruise the week before with another couple, friends of ours from college. We wanted to get away for a few days and relax, putting infertility stuff behind us and enjoy some time away. Little did we know I would be having unanticipated surgery the day before but the doctors felt confident that pending no complications during surgery, I would be okay to go on the trip. So our alarms went off at 2:45 am the next morning and off we went to the airport to begin our adventure.

We look lovely at 4 am right??

Our boat looked so pretty – almost fake!

The trip itself was so wonderful. We enjoyed time together and with our friends, good food, time in the sunshine and lots of laughs. For the most part, I was pain free. I didn’t really experience cramping from the D&C. The pain more felt like someone stirred up my insides and I just felt really bloated, tender and a little internally blended. If that makes sense?

Looks like all my years of reading US Weekly paid off! I won the ship on a stick for knowing the most celebrity couples! (Not sure that’s something I should be proud of?)

A quick look at our trip! No trip is a trip without some towel animals, the ocean, great food, and of course, a selfie.

After spending sometime in Miami, the Keys, and Cozumel, we were on our way back home. We arrived to the Miami airport at 8:30 am Monday morning and unfortunately our flight didn’t leave till 5:45 pm. We were hoping to get on another flight but all were oversold. The day of waiting, then traveling to Detroit for a layover, then finally back to our state felt LONG. By the time we arrived home, it was about 16 hours. My exhaustion caught up with me mid-flight to Detroit and I became irritable Chelsea. By the time we landed, I was miserable, crank-city Chelsea. And I had a tummy ache from eating too many pretzels on the flight. (We skipped dinner). I think I glared at one too many people and muttered sentences about hating life and never being this tired and grumpy before. (I always had a flair for drama). By the time we boarded our last flight, 36 rows back, I was a version of myself that probably hung out with the devil for fun. I couldn’t control my glaring. I couldn’t force a smile, even if offered millions. I shot Josh some of the ugliest looks on the planet for whistling and was livid that because of his 9:30 pm cup of Starbucks, he was enjoying life. I was cold, therefore he couldn’t use his air vent. I was uncomfortable, therefore that was somehow his fault. I felt like his talking to the flight attendant was the most obnoxious noise I ever heard. In fact, by the time we landed, I was so exhausted and unhappy and annoyed, that I visualized clubbing him with my flip flop just so he would stop smiling. Walking to baggage claim, listening to him talk about loving the airport and wondering why the close baggage claim gate was closed, paired with walking faster than my tired feet wanted to, I questioned why I had been married to him for 8 years. (I told you, devil woman here). I mentally questioned if I was really a Christian because I felt such hatred towards people walking by me for the simple fact that they weren’t miserable like me. I was short with my sister who stayed up late to pick us up and only spoke if it was to correct something Josh said. I was the worst version of myself. I share this with you for two reasons – 1) to remind you I am so far from perfect and 2) to apologize if I saw you and tried to assassin you with my eyes.

Once home, after the fastest shower of my life, I tossed back my antibiotic, ignored my grumbling stomach and went to bed. Throughout the night it felt like someone kept waking me up and tried to jam a golf ball down my throat. (If it was the flight attendant or Josh, I would have understood.) I woke up in extreme pain, feeling like something was stuck in my throat, with my chest and upper back burning. After spending some time on Google, I diagnosed myself with heartburn. Having never had it before, I tried everything that the internet (and Facebook friends) told me to do. Tums. Milk. Apple Cider Vinegar. Zantac. Nothing was working and because of the throat-lodged feeling and pain, I couldn’t keep anything down. Paired with the exhaustion from the day before, plus now being dehydrated and in pain, I felt like I had been clubbed. I got overly emotional about the fact that the day before (Monday) was our first due date and finally started to process the D&C. By the evening, I was running through worst case scenarios about my heartburn and almost went to the ER. Another night of sleep didn’t bring relief so I went to the doctor the next day, where I learned that gulping down my antibiotic on an empty stomach, right before laying down in bed, is not a good idea and will indeed burn your esophageal lining, causing a ulcer-like throat issue. Awesome. No wonder the heartburn remedies weren’t working! So now I am adding some more medication to my plate which is bringing relief until the lining heals in the next 4-8 weeks. Sigh. It always seems like its something!

But truly, all in all, I am recovering well. I am feeling less like the horned version of myself and am back to smiling at people. I have decided that just because I had a bad day, does not mean I am not truly a Christian or that Jesus left me for a day. I do realize that being happy requires a little bit of energy however. At least some days.

I ran across this verse the other day – “Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.” (Romans 12:15 NLT) It has been a good reminder for me to remember to be genuine in my emotions with others. Be happy with those who are happy. Who are celebrating births or pregnancies. Share in the sorrow with those who are sad. Genuinely care about what they are going through and don’t just go through the “I am so sorry” motions. I think in this journey, we can protect our emotions so much because we have felt the euphoric highs and stinging lows. But I have been focusing on being genuine with my emotions. “Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them…Love each other with genuine affection.” (Romans 12:9a, 10a). So I am trying to make my interactions intentional and my words heartfelt.

Otherwise, that’s my life right now! I am going back in to the doctor tomorrow morning to recheck my beta numbers and am PRAYING the number is 0 or close to it. I am having slight beta-PTSD thinking about that call coming in. Then likely in the next 1-2 weeks, I will have a saline infusion sonogram (SIS) where they will evaluate the inner cavity of my uterus to make sure scarring didn’t occur during the D&C and make sure things still look good in there. Once all that is done, we will being discussing and moving forward with whatever may be next for us. Continued prayers for wisdom, peace and healing are appreciated.

Fall is around the corner and with it comes boots, cozy sweaters and warm Starbucks drinks. I love the leaves changing colors and even more so, I hope that with the changing of the seasons brings a changing in the winds for us and this journey. “Hear my prayer, O Lord! Listen to my cries for help! Don’t ignore my tears.” (Psalm 39:12).

Cali’s first day of school! Hehe!

Lovely PSL’s are back! Tried my first iced one – MMM!

d & c.

August 27, 2013January 24, 201513 Comments

I finally think the “expect the unexpected” phrase has kicked in. (Thanks Big Brother). Truly, whenever I expect something to go one way, it goes the opposite way. Last week, I expect my beta to be 0 and they called and said “surprise! It’s 165.” Yesterday I went in and expected it to go down (although I truly was unsure what to think) and they call me and say “surprise! It doubled, please come back in immediately for an ultrasound.”

Gulp.

Hopped in my car, drove downtown, sat with the doctor and the tech as we pulled up my uterus and … Bam! There is was. A beautiful little 8 week, 2 day old sac. Except most people see a little baby inside at this point – I saw, well, an empty sac.

I was pleased in that it doesn’t look like there is anything attached to my tubes, just the uterine sac in the right place. The bad news is that my doctor was concerned that when I started to bleed, that I could hemorrhage and being that Josh and I were planning on going out of town, she didn’t feel comfortable taking that risk.

She said that we need to do a D&C surgery to remove the sac in the next 24-48 hours.

Expect the unexpected.

I don’t know why but I truly didn’t think it would come to surgery. Granted, it was always on the table but I was just hoping the outcome would be different. That my body would handle it naturally or that magic pills could take it away. I am so grateful that my RE doctor (the specialist) and the Obstetrics doctor completing my surgery (my OB from my original clinic) were so helpful in getting things moved around quickly to get this completed, as well as talk me through what to expect in a way I understood. Both spoke with incredible empathy and made me hopeful that in the end, Josh and I would still be able to go out of town as well. (The funny this is we were going out of town to get away from it all –I will now go out of town with pain meds, heating pads and a scraped, crampy uterus).

Some would expect me to feel angry. Mad. Upset. Sad. To be shaking my fist angrily at the sky and to cuss out my luck. But truthfully, I handed over this appointment on Monday to God and became comfortable with “whatever is meant to happen will happen.” No, I didn’t think that would mean a surgery 36 hours later, but I felt peace in the fact that He had a plan. Who knows? Perhaps this is the answer we were looking for? Perhaps after 3 cycles in 9 months, my uterus just needed a little autumn cleaning? (Hehehe!)

So tomorrow morning at 5:45 am, I check in for my D & C. I have talked to a few different women who have had them and their experiences all vary. I can only pray that mine is an uncomplicated procedure and that recovery goes quickly and smoothly.

If I could though, ask you to pray for a few specific items, I would greatly appreciate it:

1) The procedure itself – that it would be free from anything that could cause scarring. Scarring of the uterus happens less the 1% of the time but can cause additional infertility issues that I am not prepared to face.

2) A lack of blood loss – sometimes the person’s body doesn’t stop bleeding and they have to do a transfusion. While they are prepared to do this, I pray that this won’t be the case for me.

3) The biopsy – the same day they will take the tissues they remove and test them. The results need to come back positive for pregnancy to confirm that there is no other tissue in an unidentified location. (Like an upper tube). The chances of additional tissues located elsewhere are small but would require being rushed backed immediately for surgery and would result in our trip being canceled.

4) For quick healing – I am nervous about traveling so soon after surgery but pray that this trip helps clear our mind from all that is going on and is a trip of healing and relaxation. Prayers for minimal cramping and post-op bleeding would be wonderful!

5) Against infection – I will be on a strong antibiotic but there is always a risk of infection after surgery. Please join me in praying this doesn’t happen to me.

So 5 things (sorry, I am being prayer greedy now!) No scarring, no extra bleeding, good biopsy results, quick healing and no infection. THANK YOU!

A week or so ago, a friend posted a quote that has forever changes the way that I view my journey. The quote said:

“If you aspire to be a person of consolation, if you want to share the priestly gift of sympathy, if you desire to go beyond giving commonplace comfort to a heart that is tempted, and if you want to go through the daily exchanges of life with the kind of tact that never inflicts pain, then you must be prepared to pay the price for a costly education – for like Christ, you must suffer.” – Frederick William Robertson

I had never thought that this struggle of ours is part of a spiritual journey towards the gift of sympathy. The gift of sympathy is unlike many the people have, as to have true empathy, you have to be able to relate on some measure. We have all dealt with people who just don’t “get it”. That says the wrong, hurtful thing and cause additional heartaches. But in order to be a person who has the “kind of tact that never inflicts pain”, then you have to become educated in what it’s like to be them.

Whoa.

I will never look at this struggle the same way again. What a beautiful opportunity God has given me to be trained to have sympathy for others going through infertility. For others going through miscarriages. For others that have failed cycles, whether they be IVF, IUI, Clomid, Femara, metformin. For others that have post- IVF complications like OHSS. And now, for others that have to go through a D&C. All of this is part of an education, to be trained in the spiritual gift of sympathy and to be able to offer comfort that isn’t generic. My heart feels humbled and honored that I would be able to stand by someone else suffering and offer heartfelt sympathies.

Does that make me crazy? I understand how completely insane that sounds. So often times infertility feels like this gigantic punishment for something we don’t know, but my brain and heart are starting to change the thought of that, and receive this as a gift. Something that Christ is educating me in so that I can be more like Him. To be like Christ, we must suffer.

Now, this all should go without saying that I am MORE than reading for this journey to be done. I want to say, “Ok God, learned the lessons! Thanks! Now, baby please?” I cannot wait for the day when I am holding my healthy little baby and looking back at all of this. But until that day, I have to stay strong, positive, and keep fighting. Because I am learning things and being taught things that many people will never have the opportunity. So for that, I am thankful.

I likely won’t be able to update for a week or so due to recovery and the holiday weekend, so if you don’t hear from me, assume things went well. Thank you in advance for your prayers, love, and support.

On a fun note, life has been good so far. We still can’t process “what’s next” until we complete this last cycle fully. In the last few weeks though, I celebrated my 28th birthday, which was so fun. I enjoyed some fun time at the State Fair, sweating and overeating. I am wrapping up a TTC gift exchange that I coordinated on Instagram – where over 100 ladies struggling with infertility sent a care package to another girl struggling. I am SO blessed to see how much joy and excitement this brings to a community that has blessed me so much. And I have spent a lot of time listening to some great podcasts that have continued to teach me new things. Take a peek at some pictures!

We went out for my birthday to one of my favorite restaurants and enjoyed a wonderful evening out!

My family threw a beautiful dinner party for my birthday. How great is this book themed table setting? (Books = my weakness)

Us :)

Cali got a toy in a package from my Instagram exchange friend. I think she loves it!

Preach!

Anyways, all of this is in His hands and we trust that! We keep trusting that our day will come and unless He changes our hearts, we will keep fighting and giving it out all. XOXO!

wham, bam, how’s that dirt taste?

August 21, 201318 Comments

Sometimes it feels like I just get my feet back under me, have them fully straightened, stop seeing stars then WHAM! One sweeping kick knocks both of them out from under me. From behind. I don’t even see it coming.

I went in yesterday for my final blood work. It had been over 2 weeks and I was 22 points away from hitting 0. (Where it needs to be to signify the miscarriage is complete and where it needs to be before you can even consider moving forward). It was a no-big-deal appointment. Without a doubt everything would be fine and we would be cleared to move forward with considering what was next for us. So when the nurse called to let me know that my levels went up to 165 (from 27) and that my body still thought I was pregnant, likely still developing a fetus-less sac, and that I hadn’t properly miscarried, I felt like I was kicked in my gut … twice. I think it took me a full 2 hours to realize how much this sucked. Then the shock moved into anger. The bubbly kind that makes you want to scream.

I was so irritated. What the heck? It had been 3 weeks since I was told my pregnancy wasn’t viable and then to be dragged back into it, dangling the reality in front of me again and being told I still had to deal with it SUCKED. (Sucks. Still does. And yes, I know I shouldn’t say “sucks”, but that’s all I can think.)

I texted Josh that I was “beyond annoyed right now…like sick to my stomach mad.” and the saint boy writes back “it’s ok honey, we will get through it ok. Pray.” Bah! I didn’t want to pray! I wanted to find God’s private cell number and call Him up with a gigantic WHAT THE HECK speech. It just didn’t seem fair. I mean, seriously?

I ignored the advice to pray because I was too mad (“pissed” would be the best word to appropriately describe the level of angry I felt) so instead, I walked around Walmart. Among the people who wouldn’t judge my angry glares and where I could smash my cart into an aisle corner to let out some aggression. (No one is ever by the bird food section anyways). Ughhhhh. SO ANNOYED.

My doctor is out of the office this week (figures) so the consulting doctor told me that it could be a few things – 1) an ectopic pregnancy where the fetus is growing on my fallopian tube, requiring surgery and likely the loss of my tube, 2) an empty growing sac (often referred to as a blighted ovum) or 3) just my body being stupid (My words, not his) and not returning to normal naturally. I truly don’t think it’s the first one since I am not in any pain (and those are painful) and my levels aren’t high enough to truly think that’s the case, but its still on the table. But it’s likely just my body developing a babyless sac. Which doesn’t help my heart with the whole healing process thing.

I have to go back next week (Monday) for another set of labs to see where the number is going, then an ultrasound. (To the hopeful friend, the rise in levels do NOT signify I am viably pregnant, they would need to be in the tens of thousands at this point, this is just a slow stream of hormones being created unwanted-ly).

So now we basically wait to find out if my body will re-start the miscarriage process 2.5 weeks later or if I will require a D&C surgery to clean out my uterus. I just PRAY that my levels start to drop and this becomes “easy” again. I am so frustrated that we couldn’t just be granted the simple gift of a natural miscarriage and beta level drop. Why does this all have to be so complicated?

My friend texted me last night that she had tried to explain the situation to her husband. She prefaced the text by saying that he usually doesn’t get this type of stuff (which is understandable, its annoyingly confusing anyways) but that his response was this: “So from what I understand, which isn’t much, but it seems like her heart wanted that baby so badly and was trying to override her body and hold onto her child. Her heart held on to the hope of her baby when her body couldn’t.”

Tears.

Oh my dear heart. What a beautiful explanation of what was happening. My body isn’t ready to let go of the fact that I won’t be having this baby. But what a beautiful visualization that made the news a little more bearable.

I begrudgingly sat down to do my devotions last night and the first two sentences in Jesus Calling said “I am a God who heals. I heal broken bodies, broken minds, broken hearts …” It was exactly what I needed to read. I needed to be reminded that God CAN heal my body. That He would heal my broken heart as I angrily deal with the reality of still living this miscarriage. Sometimes my faith feels weak. I feel a little bruised and some days, like yesterday, it is hard to believe that this will ever really happen. But I was reminded that “when God wills, He moves, even when my faith is shaky.” So I HAVE to keep moving forward and believing that when God wills, He will move.

I read a powerful section in Hannah’s Hope last night:

So Jesus, through perfect prayer with holy motives, through a direct audience with the Father, asked for God to do the possible, yet even Christ did not receive what He asked. His burden was not removed. His painful trail and execution were yet to be endured. If all is possible with God, yet He chose to say no even to the request of His beloved Son, can I not rest assured that trials that seem unbearable in my life fit much better in His perfect plan than anything I can imagine from my limited viewpoint?

What a powerful reminder that even JESUS had to live with an unanswered burden. I too can carry this and trust that God’s viewpoint has answers far more glorifying that what I want today.

I still am frustrated. This takes on several more weeks of waiting before we can move forward and unless a true miracle happens, I will have to start another routine of obnoxious blood tests and painful calls from my doctor reminding me my body isn’t working right. It’s frustrating, but today I feel held by Him and calmed down from my raging emotions to remember this is such a small blip in a big picture.

I was walking down the upstairs hall with Cali last night and said “Oh Cali, when will things ever go right?”. I had to laugh at myself as I looked at the four bedrooms around me, the house underneath me, the cars in my garage and my stomach full from the dinner I ate too late. I had to chuckle because things are going right – I am blessed. Even though I still ache for more, I have more than all I need.

Please join me in praying for a miracle – for my levels to shoot down in an unheard of way and for God to move powerfully in my body. Thank you in advance for having faith when mine feels a little shaky that this will be answered.

dementors.

August 13, 201312 Comments

I am aware that I am a total blog slacker these last 2 weeks. And I am okay with that. I can’t believe it hasn’t even been two weeks since we found out my pregnancy wasn’t viable. It feel like a decade has passed since that day. Not in a flippant, “who cares!” way, just in a way I feel that it has aged me far more than 2 weeks.

We have gotten many questions – the first being “how are you” and the second being “what’s next?” So let me answer them …

How are you? The short answer is really good. We are comforted by the peace that only God can provide. I know that the peace is a result of all your prayers. I am certain of that. There are moments in the day where I swear the prayers are tangible objects floating around our house, just an arms length away. We haven’t forgotten our lost little ones, but we recognize that we can’t dwell in sadness either. Our grief cycles for the last 5 years have taught us how to pick ourselves back up and move on. And that is what we are trying to do.

Truthfully, I am more preoccupied with the fact that had I not miscarried last Christmas, I would be 37 ½ weeks pregnant. My due date just a handful of days away. As my birthday hit next Monday, I feel slightly restless at the fact that another year will come and go without an expanded family or even a pregnant belly. I continue to sort out my emotions and lay them at His feet.

What’s next? We are still prayerfully considering many options and will share and proceed when we feel the time is right. Some options include doing some extensive testing to find out if there is something wrong genetically with us or me, biopsies and exams, blood and answers. We could move ahead with our last embryo and do another frozen transfer. We could do another fresh cycle, egg retrieval and change many things around. There are a lot of options and we don’t want to proceed necessarily with the one we WANT to do, but with the one GOD wants. Join us in prayers for wisdom! The good news is that less than 1% of women suffer from 3 or more miscarriages … so I am praying that I don’t have to raise that statistic.

All in all, the support of YOU, our friends, our family, our team, has been invaluable. I feel so blessed that I can still move forward with my life. Laugh. Get dressed. Enjoy life. So many people facing similar battles struggle to do that.

I’m about to show my nerdom here …

In the books Harry Potter, there are these evil being calls Dementors. Taken straight from the book, the definition is that they are “among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them… Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself…soulless and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life.”

Do you feel it? That heaviness? That is what so many women struggling with infertility feel like they battle every day. A heaviness that lingers, draining the hope and peace and happiness from their lives. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the word is so close to “demon”. I feel like infertility is a constant battle again the demons that attack us, that try to steal our joy, our hope. Negativity can feed on negativity and before you know it, you are left with nothing but a sea of depression that swallows you up.

Another fact – dementors cannot be destroyed, though their power can be limited if the conditions in which they multiply are reduced. Which is why we constantly have to fight these our demons around us that try to pull us down and not feed into the negativity. Focus on the goodness of God. Thank Him for the peace He provides regardless of our circumstances. Refuse to feed off the despair will do nothing that bring heaviness and they will go away…

If you are struggling today, feeling like you are being attacked with dementors of your own – turn to the One who holds the power to diminish them. “We mustn’t lose the hope of a specific promise that God has given us. It may not look like we expect it to (who expected the Messiah to be born in a manager?) or arrive when we want it to arrive (who knew Abraham and Sarah could have kids in their old age?), but God is always faithful to His word. Romans 8:31-32 says, “If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all – how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?” Because this one promise is true, even if you don’t see anything else in your life working the way you think it should, it’s enough! God is still in control. And He is for you. You just have to be patient.” (Craig Groeschel)

I have quoted 2 Corinthians 12:9 over and over again throughout the years but it constantly reminds me that HIS grace is sufficient for me, His power is made perfect in my weakness. When we come to a point where our prayers haven’t been answered exactly how we wish they would have been, cling to the FACT that HE is all we need. His grace is all we need.

I adore all of you who have encouraged me by telling me I “deserve” to get pregnant and have a baby. The thought is so kind, but the truth is, I so far from deserve any kind of special grace or answered prayers. My sins are just as big as everyone elses. Just because I write a blog or send cute notecards of encouragement doesn’t mean I am any better of a person. I struggle with pride. With shame. With gossip. I have walked that sinful line of danger. When I stub my toe, drop a plate, or hit my shin, “shoot!” isn’t always the first word that pops out. I am broken. What I deserve is FAR beyond what I am currently blessed with. The beauty of that? He doesn’t care. He loves me despite all of that. His power is made perfect in my weakness. So when someone tells me I deserve to be a mom, I want to shake my head and tell them, “No, no, I do not deserve that. I deserve much different. But because of His unconditional love, grace and forgiveness, I don’t have to live in the world of what I deserve.”

Believe the truth today that you CAN combat your “dementors”. Keep His word close at hand. It’s what I have to do every day when they attack and tell me this will never happen. Or that my sins are too great to forgive. Or that I am just meant to suffer. Rebuke those lies. Let Him carry you. His hands are the best place to be.

So, did you feel like you got your daily dose of Harry Potter in? Hehe. But it’s truly how I have begun to imagine the enemy – and like Harry Potter, we have our own Patronus Charm in Him. (Wait, what? Too far? Whoops …)

Much love to you all!

i saw this at our church bookstore the other day and LOVED the message!

What a great quote I read the other day and have to jot down.

I received this precious necklace from a friend who designed and made it herself … in memory of my little ones who aren’t with us. One of the most beautiful things I have ever received. Thank you Martha!

another loss.

August 1, 201335 Comments

Once again our hearts sit shattered at our feet. Every cycle, I envision writing THE entry. The one where we get to share good news. I so thought this cycle would be it. Everything about this cycle seemed right. The embryos were beautiful and strong. My body was at rest after not having to go through the difficult egg retrieval process. I added acupuncture this time. We were surrounded by an army of prayers. I felt pregnant. I was pregnant.

I just spent the last hour and a half writing a painfully detailed blog about the last week of our life. A story that included the highs (testing positive last Saturday) and the lows (not having the hormone levels hCg be where they should). The emotions (excitement, fear, worry, praise, joy, anxiety) and the 2WW symptoms (spotting, aches, tugs and pinches). But after my computer crashed, I don’t have the heart to rewrite it all. And maybe, its better that I don’t. Because all that would do is create pity for us. And we aren’t pity-us type of people.

Man, my heart hurts. To get the call yesterday telling us that our pregnancy is no longer viable and will result in a miscarriage broke our hearts. I can’t say that I wasn’t anticipating it to a degree. I feel like God prepared me for that outcome. I struggled in the days leading up to the final test, wondering if the uncertainty in my heart was the devil trying to cause fear and steal away my joy and praise, or if God was speaking gently and quietly telling me to be prepared. I am thankful that following the doctor’s confirmation of my pregnancy on Monday, that I was able to step back and simply enjoy being pregnant. For however long it lasted. I got to enjoy 4 and a half beautiful days as a confirmed Mom and Josh, a confirmed Dad. Those are special days that we will always treasure.

For now our hearts are heavy. Following the news I simply wept and just asked Why. Why is this happening again? 2 miscarriages in 7 months? Why do we have to continue to struggle? Why have we been chosen to ache? Why can’t we become parents? The whys soon became I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I wept so hard and repeated it so much I think Cali may soon be able to say the phrase.

In my weeping, I was quietly reminded that our joy can’t come from things on this earth. My heart was filled with peace when I remembered that truly, His grace is enough for me. His power made perfect in my weakness. He is good ALL the time. Not some of the times. “I wait patiently for the Lord to help me and He turned to me and heard my cry.” (Psalm 40:1) I feel confident that our cries are being heard. The night before we found out we were pregnant, I woke up around 3 am and felt this incredible joy. I knew we were testing in the morning and all I could feel was God being so excited for the morning to come. For us to have the moment of having a positive pregnancy test and for Him to be a part of it. I didn’t even know at that point that I was pregnant, but I just felt God’s genuine excitement to bless us. And opposite to that moment, I feel His incredible sadness along side us now. I don’t resent Him for this outcome. I trust in His promises of plans to prosper us and give us a hope and a future. So with that promise tucked close to our heart, we continue to wait.

Our hearts feel slightly numb, a mixture of shock, denial and a lack of surprise. (I feel like throughout this process, you become accustom to bad news). We prayed this was it. We had so many others share dreams and words and prayers and affirmation that they too felt like this was it. I hate knowing that April 5th will now come and go, another due date to add to the calendar. I don’t know what’s next for us. To have 2 early losses isn’t normal and I would like to undergo some recurrent miscarriage testing to see if there are causes that we could prevent. I have to continue to follow this miscarriage through to completion, which is the most painful part emotionally and physically. Since I have not yet begun the physical piece of miscarriage, by doctors orders I have to finish my medications and shots and have blood work every 2 days to follow the numbers through to negative. This next week or two will be very hard for us.

Us. So often the woman is the recipient of the sympathies as its her body that physically lost the baby. But I have to say, in miscarriages, don’t forget the dad too. He lost his baby as well. Josh has been so strong and supportive throughout all of this. On the days I was anxious and discouraged, he stayed positive and optimistic. While I have been couch bound most of the last 2 weeks, he cooked my meals, cleaned the kitchen, did the laundry and helped with every tiny task. And now, while I sit at home, processing what has happened, he has to go back to work, with equal grief in his heart but as a man, is expected to be strong. Please be praying not only for me, but for my amazing husband as well.

One thing I know, “Grief is not the opposite of faith. Mourning is not the opposite of hope.” (Hannah’s Hope). While we grieve and mourn, we still hang on tight to our faith and hope. I’m not sure how long it will take to gather the pieces this time or what step we will take next. But until we are holding our child in our arms, this battle is not yet over.

1,209,600 seconds of waiting

July 23, 2013July 23, 201319 Comments

Waiting. What’s that? Ha.

If you are anything like me, waiting is hard. Especially when it’s something you really want. The world is filled with inspirational quotes about waiting – “The longer you wait for something, the more you’ll appreciate it when you get it, because anything worth having is definitely worth waiting for.” Yahoo! Yeah waiting! Love it! Wait on!

I joke , but I do love that quote. And it’s true …. But it doesn’t make the waiting any easier.

I wish there was a magic pill to take to give you just a little glimpse of the future (like let’s say, a week and a half from now). Or I wish that God would just TELL ME already. (Impatient much Chelsea?) This 2 week wait is lonnnng and hard. Doing this time and time again doesn’t necessarily make it any easier.

My dog Cali decided last night that she really just wanted to make sure I was awake when she was. I need a drink of water, her little doggie brain thought, I must make sure to scratch Mom’s pillow until she wakes up just to let her know I am jumping down to get a drink…..Ahh, back in bed. What? She fell back asleep? Not okay. I must lay on her face to ensure she knows I am back in bed. It was like this all night! And as a result, I laid wide awake after a while. Ah, a perfect time to pray and make it really easy for God to tell me if I am pregnant or not.

“Okay God, you don’t have to audibly speak to me, I’ll make this easy for you … how about you just give me the hiccups if I am pregnant.”

No hiccups.

Okay, well that was a hard one.

“How about if I just feel a really big pinch in my uterus on 3 …. 2 …. 1 …. “

Ouch! Wait. That was just a feather from my pillow poking through on my arm. Dang.

“How about if you DON’T give me the hiccups if I am pregnant.”

No hiccups! I WIN! Wait.. that really doesn’t mean anything … shoot.

I got to the point where I realized God didn’t want to play this game. He just wanted me to trust Him. Trust that He is in control. Trust that He will bless us with a child whenever the time is right (again, God, next week would be great, just throwing that out there…)

I have continued to look for physical feelings and such of a pregnancy, (granted I am only 5 days past transfer, meaning that they really wouldn’t be appearing now anyways, but one can dream …) when I came across this line in Jesus Calling earlier this week. “Affirm your trust in Me, regardless of how you feel….Concentrate on trusting Me and fearfulness will gradually lose its foothold within you.”

I love that it used the word “feel”. So often that relates to our human emotions, but to me, it spoke directly to the physical feelings I had been trying to search for. And the message from Him was clear – Affirm your trust in Me.

Proverbs 3:5 (AMP) says “Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.” Hmmm, so maybe my limited, heavily-searched for insight really will do me no good. I’m getting it God.

So on and on we wait. Similar to previous cycles, we will share with our blogging friends the news as soon as family and friends have been told. Keep those prayers coming in the meantime! I believe God is hearing every single one of them and that His promises will be fulfilled.

third times the charm …. right?

July 19, 2013July 20, 201327 Comments

Well, this is the first time I have ever attempted to blog from my iPhone so I don’t anticipate this being long, edited well, or articulate. :) But I wanted to check in and let you all know how the transfer went! It went great! Josh and I enjoyed a breakfast out before hand. We were told our transfer would be a 1:00, and since we’re doing a pre and post transfer in office acupuncture session, we needed to check in at 11:30. Instead of trying a new place like we did the first two times, we went back to the restaurant we went to the day of our first transfer, since that one resulted in a BFP.

Our table at the cafe

Then, with my lucky socks on (thanks Ashley!), our excitement high and tummy’s full, we headed to the clinic!

My acupuncturist met us there and chatted with us while I quickly guzzled 32 oz of water in 10 minutes, then administered such a relaxing session. Josh got to watch and I slept and relaxed. I think the Valium helped the nap. :) We then went back into prep to change. We were anxious to hear how the thaw went. We knew we had 3 embryos frozen and were praying that at least 2 survived the thaw, ideally the first two thawed so we would still have 1 left. The nurses spent extra time with us and it seemed like ages until the doctor came in. FINALLY we got good news that our first two embryos thawed! In fact, one was already hatching! (Embryos are in a mothers egg, much like a chickens. Unlike a chicken though, the embryo breaks free from its shell when it’s strong enough to survive solely on its own genes and is ready to attach itself to the uterine wall. Way to go little over achiever!) The transfer itself went so smoothly, the easiest one thus far, and after resting for a while in the procedure room, we were brought back to meet with the acupuncturist. She administered a different kind of session and man, I was out like a light! I was so relaxed and calm. I really felt such a sense of peace.

Since then, I’ve been at home on strict bedrest! We are so blessed to have others help us with meals. And I was blessed with some goodies as well. So greatly appreciated!!

So now we wait! God knows the outcome of this cycle and we can only pray, beg and plead that His will lines up with our hearts desires. We are so blessed to have so many people praying for us! We were blessed by many posts requesting prayers on our behalf yesterday, as well as a special friend who even fasted for the day for us. Wow. Incredible.

So now we ask you to continue in your faithful prayers for us. We continue to feel the calling to be parents and know that God is the giver of life. I was reading this verse in Matthew on Wednesday and it seemed to be a perfect message for my heart: “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” (Matthew 6:34 MSG)

ok! Enough with this phone blogging … 3 hours later …. You guys rock.

praises and prayers.

July 14, 201319 Comments

Okay friends, you are all AMAZING prayer warriors! Since I posted my last blog I have not spotted ONCE. I mean it. That is INCREDIBLE and a validation that God is listening and that He hears the needed affirmations of our hearts. (Not that I needed that validation to believe He was listening, but it sure does help!) Man, I am so grateful for your prayers! I won’t know about my lining until the day of transfer (4 days away! AH!) but I am praying its exactly here God wants it to be. The nurse did call and let me know we are still on schedule for the transfer; however, my estradiol levels are very low. Not low enough to cancel the transfer, but low enough to require some more serious prayers.

I was so busy giving you a medical update last post that I forgot to mention all the exciting things that have been going on in our lives since July started! Here you go:

We celebrated our 8 year wedding anniversary. Here’s a few pictures from that special day in 2005!

We were able to sneak away for the overnight, penny-paid-for staycation! We had SUCH a blast. We walked around the city and spent some time in Barnes and Nobles hunting for Waldo’s and Wenda’s. We stopped at Candyland for a treat and enjoyed dinner out. We laughed, had breakfast in bed and didn’t talk about IVF or infertility. It was lovely.

a brief look at our weekend!

never afraid to be silly!

Then Josh celebrated his birthday – the big 3-1! We had some friends over for a BBQ and of course, ice cream cake.

from Cali :)

His one request every birthday!

I grew up close to Six Flags Great America in Chicago and have been longing to ride a rollercoaster recently. Not since my senior year, Mr. Rink’s physic class trip have I gone! I knew that once I am pregnant (God willing!), roller coasters would be out of the question, probably for a while, so my sister and I snuck away to Valley Fair for a day at the amusement park. Now, no, the roller coasters aren’t Six Flags quality, but once there, I also realized that my stomach no longer is 16, so the quicker less intense rides were greatly appreciated! Still, I managed to have the need to spend some time on a bench waiting for the world to stop spinning and the highlight of our day was going around and around (and around and around) the lazy river. I don’t know how, but I managed to get flipped so if you ever want to know what it’s like to be upside down in 3 feet of water, just ask me.

I finished the last of my tummy shots (and hope that it’s the last ones for a lonnnggg time) and just started PIO booty shots! (Progesterone in Oil) Not so fun, but SOOO worth it knowing the medicine will hopefully help me carry a full term baby! (Again God willing). We took this silly shot last night with the first injection – the first of ones that will hopefully last every night for the next 15 weeks.

Hopefully the last time I will need to see this in a while!

Infertility is literally a pain in the butt. HA! (Hey, can’t lose our sense of humor in all this, can we??)

All in all, life is good. I am constantly re-reminded of the words in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NLT) “Always be joyful. Always keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ.” I am sure we can all reflect back on the troubles in life, the hardships and the frustrations. But the words of Christ have never been more true – Always be joyful. It can seem so hard to find that joy sometimes but I learn and experience more and more each day that our joy is not to be rooted in our wants or desires, our successes and our victories. They are simply to be rooted in Him. Joyful always. No particular circumstances required.

I played book roulette the other night – you know, that game I love, where I flip to something, in this case a page, and whatever is on the page is meant for me to read at that moment. The words pierced my heart and renewed my spirit: “Today we suffer. Today we don’t understand….Someday all the scattered, broken pieces will fall into place, and we will suddenly understand the hand of God has been upon us all the time. All the tragedy – all the darkness – will instantly be swallowed up by triumph. What a perfect ending to our imperfect stories!”

I love that. He wipes every tear from our eyes, He holds us so close. I have to chose to believe that if I knew everything He knew, that I would chose this exact same journey for us. We are more than conquers in Christ Jesus.

So please join us in praying for a few things this week:

1 – complete peace in our hearts that this transfer is God’s timing despite the less than ideal circumstances of last Friday’s doctors appointment;

2- that my lining is perfectly where God wants it to be and that my estradiol levels raise to a point where pregnancy is possible and sustainable;

3 – that our embryos thaw perfectly. (We won’t find out their status until Thursday morning when we arrive to the clinic);

4 – that the transfer goes well on Thursday, exactly according to God’s will; and

5 – that our hearts will be filled with joy, peace, and encouragement as we step down this emotionally overwhelming path again.

We are so blessed to call you our friends and supporters. He has placed you in our lives for a reason and we are ever so thankful for that!

Trials Bring Joy

Starbucks, Peace, and the Addition of Two Babies.

Category: Infertility