Category: Infertility

countdown.

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Sometimes its difficult for me to blog when I have SO much going on in my head and want to talk about! I will do my best to be articulate and provide an overview. I apologize for being so delayed on an entry – I promise I won’t let 2.5 weeks lapse again!

Work. I have been amazed at all the support people have given to me/us after announcing the difficult decision to step down from my position. I can’t stress enough how called I feel to make this decision. I don’t fear what happens TO me or what life will look like post-job, because I know God is working IN me. He is preparing me for that unknown. I know that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Rom 8:28). And so this is a giant leap of faith in trusting in His plans. I have about 9 weeks left and I think having an end in sight is probably one of the hardest things! The end of working with this job at this company is very sad for me. But the end of my job also means our next IVF cycle is HERE and that is so exciting. (So sO So sO So exciting! I’m excited, can you tell?) The mixture of emotions, counting down but not, it confusing! So I am trying to take each day for what it is and praying that God reminds me to be in THIS moment today and not fast forwarding through life. I have been trying to be more intentional about seeking what He wants of me in this present moment. (Easier said than done, especially when I have an app reminding me each day of how many days are left till XXX … I enable myself! Eck!)

IVF. There isn’t too much to update here. I have an appointment at the end of the month to do some blood work and tests, and get a prescription for a medication I have to start the first of March. From there it’s really just that med (Provera) and birth control until the cycle starts. (Weird, I know right!). Josh and I will meet with the doctor at the end of March and obtain our new prescription orders, do some more blood panels, sign all the papers and make the final payment. It is only weeks away already which is exciting! (Ok, if you must know, my first shot starts 64 days from today!)

Life. I have been soaking up everything God has for me through sermons, readings, insight… wherever I can get it! I have so many great lessons learned that I am trying to apply each day. Each of these could be a blog in and of itself, but I thought I would just throw down a shmorgishborg of my most recent brain activity. Perhaps one of these thoughts will hit home with something you need to know/be reminded of/can apply:

  • We need to remember 4 simple truths: 1) My God is FOR me. 2) My God is WITH me. 3) My God FORGIVES me. 4) My God can do ANYTHING. When we base on life on that, we flourish. It as simple as that – remembering God is for us, not against us. He is always with us, even when it feels like He has gone quiet. He forgives us, immediately, when we repent, and He can do ANYTHING. That doesn’t always means He WILL and even if He doesn’t but our hope needs to live in the fact that He can. (Daniel 3:16-18)
  • Living under grace is that life-changing constant awareness of what we’ve been given in light of what we deserve. Being reminded daily of the Grace we have been blessed with takes the focus off of “Me! Me! Me! My wants! My needs!” and makes us life a life glorifying Him, because we don’t deserve any of this.
  • The decisions we make today determine the story we tell tomorrow. Direction, not intention, determines our destination. Sometimes the best decision you can make is to go when it would be easier to stay. (Genesis 12:1 – The Lord had said to Abram, “Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.”) It doesn’t make sense for me to GO right now, nor did it make sense for Abram to leave everything He knew to follow where God called Him. And without that step of faith, nothing would be what we know it to be today. (Hebrews 11:8  “By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.”). I wish I knew where I was going! I wish I knew what is ahead. I am confident in knowing that despite whatever outcomes are ahead, that this is still where God is leading.
  • (Jesus Calling excerpt) Try saying, “I trust You, Jesus” in response to whatever happens to you. This simple practice will help you to see Me in every situation, acknowledging My sovereign control over the universe. When you view events from this perspective …fear loses its grip on you. Adverse circumstances become growth opportunities when you affirm your trust in Me no matter what. You receive blessings gratefully, realizing they flow directly from My hand of grace. Your continual assertion of trusting Me will strengthen our relationship and keep you close to Me. The fear of the unknown is a lot less scary when I know that anything that comes my way is simply an opportunity to affirm my trust in Him.
  • (Jesus Calling excerpt) Do not fear what this day, or any day, may bring your way.  Concentrate on trusting Me and on doing what needs to be done.  Relax in My sovereignty, remembering that I go before you, as well as with you, into each day.  Fear no evil, for I can bring good out of every situation you will ever encounter. Love everything about this passage.

I could keep going, really I could. I am truly just so excited to see what is ahead of us. I know things will be different and difficult. I don’t anticipate being down an income as being something “easy” to adjust to. It will be different to no longer have “HR Director!” as part of my identity and admitting to not having a job when asked – that’s an area that will continue to humble me but one that also many open up some neat conversations. I know that there is a chance this IVF round doesn’t work – and then we will need to rely on Christ even more to carry us to whatever steps may be next. (But I am thinking positively that this is OUR cycle!!!)

TTC isn’t easy. It isn’t for the weak and it certainly has tested us in ways we never imagined. But there is such a blessing in trials and hardships, reminding our proud selves of our humanity and making it easier to let go when called.

next steps.

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We know what we want. (A baby). We know what seems to be the best means of getting there (IVF). We know that it’s physically draining (ER visits, surgeries, shots, probing). We know it’s emotionally stressful. (I know my followers feel this stress too!). We know the second IVF cycle brings the greatest chance of success. (Up about 10% since the doctors know your body, responses, and your body is less resistant since it’s been through this before.)

So with all this in mind, we set out on a prayer mission to figure out what’s next. And it led us to make the following decisions:

  1. We would proceed with another fresh IVF cycle (like we did this time) vs. a frozen embryo transfer.
  2. I would resign from my position at work.

What?!

Seriously, I am not quite sure how God worked all of this out in our minds and hearts so quickly, and yet, giving us so much peace about our decisions, but He has.

Let’s work backwards.

We decided that we wanted to take advantage of the knowledge that the doctors gained on my first cycle and wanted a chance to obtain more frozen embryos. The cost of a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET for short) is the same cost and physical hardship if you transfer 1 or 2 embryos. We know that the chances of the embryos making the thaw process are about 50% and that transferring 2 have a higher chance of resulting in a pregnancy than 1. With that known, we feel more comfortable working to obtain at least 1 more frozen embryo before moving to a FET. (We currently have 1). Now, if we get pregnant from the fresh cycle, which is our real goal and objective (duh!), we still plan on using our frosty baby/babies in the future as we grow our family. So essentially we are postponing the FET in a hopeful attempt to increase our odds when that time comes.

With that decision in mind, we knew that the mental focus and rest that was put on the cycle last time was helpful. Being off of work helped immensely as the physical reactions and side effects, in conjunction with the appointments and such would be difficult to balance with my job.

For those who don’t know, I have had the opportunity to be the HR Director for a quickly growing, multi-site psychiatric organization, providing both inpatient and outpatient services. I have been able to devote the last 5 years of my professional life (ok, and personal life – those 60+ work weeks get in the way!) to being part of something incredible. What was once a small, 30 person company when I started has now grown to 200+staff members and I have enjoyed every minute of being part of something that touches so many people’s lives. (I mean, who gets to be a part of an executive team that starts and opens a HOSPITAL!? That hasn’t happened in MN without a partnering hospital for dozens of years.) With that said, it has been very busy and stressful, and while I truly love it, it’s tiring and draining. When anticipating another fresh cycle, I knew that while my company would likely continue to support me, but that it wasn’t fair to them to ask them for more time off, that may or may not result in a successful pregnancy, or may or may not result in a high risk pregnancy, which may or may not result in needing even more time off for a FET cycle should it come to that. We are working on continued expansion plans and my HR role is a critical piece of that growth. Thus the dilemma.

We knew God had an answer and believed He would guide us…and He did. I had to make the difficult decision to leave a job and company that I love, for the unknown. SCARY! Honestly, the decision has only been final for a few days and while I am incredibly excited about the future, I am so sad to be leaving this piece of my professional life behind. Through conversations and emails with staff members, I know I was able to make a difference and feel incredibly validated and honored for what I have been a part of. (I want to make this clear that this was my personal decision and my company has been nothing but supportive and has honored this decision with a lot of grace!)

My last day will be April 12th– 12 weeks away and it seems both too close and too far away. The exciting part is that I will be able to truly focus on starting a family without many outside stressors. The scary piece is not working and having an income while doing that. But … I believe that God has brought us to this decision and will provide. It falls perfectly inline with the fact that our next IVF cycle will begin on April 17th. YEAH!

I was in line at Starbucks last Friday, with my Christmas gift card in hand, thinking about how our lifestyle will change once we are down an income (and my gift card runs out!). I immediately panicked, thinking “this is so stupid!”. The “logic” behind this is crazy, giving up a great job I love for such an unknown – seriously, who does that?! I immediately questioned if this was the right decision and basically, doubted the God would provide. Then I pulled up to the window where I was informed the person in front of me paid for my coffee. Now this may seem small to you, but to me, it was a definite sign that God was trying to tell me “My child, don’t worry. I will always provide. I am in each moment. Go in faith.”

Around the same time as making this decision to leave my job, a new friend, one I met on Instagram no less, offered to send me unopened boxes of medication from her last cycle, medications costing HUNDREDS of dollars – for free. She is pregnant now and wants them to be used by someone who needs them … man, what a blessing that was! Honestly, since making this difficult decision, God has done nothing but reaffirm that no matter how silly/stupid/irresponsible/rattling this decision may feel, that it is where He is calling us.

So change is coming! The excitement of trying all of this again is high. I feel like a seasoned pro with IVF now, ha. Never in a million years did I think it would come down to this. But we know the calling in our hearts right now is to become parents and I know that I will never regret giving it 100%. Who knows what the future holds but I have seen in all this, that God is always a few steps ahead and His wisdom isn’t always something we will understand.

I think of Noah – who was called to be build and ark, and obeyed despite looking insane. Moses – who was called to bring the Israelites out of Egypt because a burning bush told him to. Mary – who carried a child despite the fact that she was a virgin. Truthfully, God doesn’t call us to look sane or to always do what makes sense. He calls us to obey what He is prompting us to do and then it requires us moving in line with His spirit. And so onward we move into a new norm, one where I don’t work, and one where I can focus on better self-care and reducing my stress levels. We are hoping and praying that this is the perfect mixture to result in a happy and healthy baby next January.

So, send me articles about coupon clipping, recipes and things to keep me busy! : ) We are excited for this next adventure and can’t wait to see what God has planned. I get to be a stay-at-home mom before I am, well, a mom. It’s weird, but exciting and I am so grateful to have a husband who is so supportive in this venture. Keep praying that God continues to affirm this decision and that bringing closure to my work “baby” goes well over the next several weeks. I wish I knew how this will all end … but until then, we trust and wait. :)

be washed in sunshine.

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“Chelsea, I am touching base to let you know that your hCG levels are finally negative today. So that’s good. I’m glad it went down so we can move on with things.”

HURRAY! This is exactly the message I wanted to hear on Monday. I never thought I would be so excited to hear my doctor call to confirm that I was no longer considered “pregnant” by my hormone levels, but honestly, what a great thing to be able to close that chapter! A sincere thanks for all of the prayers and support. I am constantly grateful that our prayers were heard and answered so quickly, and that even despite the circumstances, that we were offered grace in a tough situation.

As I sit here at my computer typing this, I can’t help but notice a zip loc bag next to me that holds the pictures of our embryos from our transfer. I don’t know what to do with them. I could never throw them away. Those are our babies. I can’t hide them away like it never happened. I can’t frame them and it feels too sad to even pull them out of the bag. So in the bag they will stay, watching Mom clack away at the keyboard.

A few people keep telling me how they admire how “positive” I am being. It makes me want to laugh, because I truly feel quite the opposite of “positive” at times. In fact, at the end of last week, I just felt downright cranky. I wish I could blame it on hormones, or a lack of sleep, but instead, I was just bitter. Not at anything in particular either. I couldn’t pin my annoyance on a certain event or conversation. I was just in a funk. I made rude comments, I couldn’t attempt a smile at times, I felt like I had a grimace on my face for a few days straight. I even felt a twinge in my heart that I hadn’t felt before, or at least in a lonnnnnng time …. *jealousy*.

Whoa.

I have always been so good at separating out emotions, my situation from others. Remembering that’s “their baby”, not mine. But for some reason, for about 48 hours, I couldn’t do that. I just felt angry and sad whenever I saw a baby, heard about a baby, looked at a baby. I felt a sour taste in my mouth and rocked Death Eyes that probably hasn’t been pulled out since I was in 3rd grade. I didn’t want to pray about. I didn’t want to remind myself it wasn’t right. I just wanted to sulk in it and validate myself that it was okay.

The sour taste turned into an irrational panic on Saturday night. Josh and I were sitting in the dimly lit sanctuary at church, singing a song (me, still feeling in a funk), when all of a sudden this young couple in front of us starts to move around. It caught my attention as I saw the man bend down and BAM!, pops up with a tiny infant boy whose eyes were wide open and locked firmly into mine. I felt like the room froze and I suddenly lost my breath. It was my first experience being face to face with a newborn since my miscarriage and here was this adorable little boy, no more than 2 weeks old, propped up staring at me, just a few feet away. I feel like it was a moment I will never forget. I instantly looked away and reminded myself to breath, keep standing and singing, when in fact, I literally wanted to scream “GET THAT BABY AWAY FROM ME!”. I felt immense sadness mix with the fear that the couple would never be us. That I would be the one looking at babies in church for years to come. Part of me wanted to leave the service immediately, the other part of me thought about stabbing the man with my fine tip 0.38 G-2 pen just hard enough to release some of my tension and cause enough damage to make him leave. Thankfully, I “toughed” it out, avoided eye contact and flew out of there when the service was over.

And I ended up being fine. In fact, I was around 134 more children 5 and under at church the next morning when I volunteered as scheduled. But it reminded me of how human I am. And can be. And will be. Yes, I will be positive. And try to stay positive. But I have my bad moments and my good moments. And I don’t want to give anyone the false impression that this is easy, or that I am fakely positive. Because I’m human and it’s hard! I’ve tried to be as transparent about this as possible and I hope you walk away with encouragement, knowing that even in the hard times, we serve a God that is in ultimate control and that His plans will not only prevail, but are what’s best for us. It’s hard to believe when we are in a sinful world, but I know it and trust it to be true. So that’s where my hope comes from. It doesn’t mean days and moments aren’t tough. And my husband can certainly attest to my sometimes childish outbursts. But we live without the fear of the future. (And for me right now that means trusting that the scary newborn panic moment was a one-off, because I have lots of friends and family whose little babies coming into the world very soon! I have no time for this fear!)

“Still, if you set your heart on God and reach out to him… You’ll be able to face the world unashamed and keep a firm grip on life, guiltless and fearless. You’ll forget your troubles; they’ll be like old, faded photographs. Your world will be washed in sunshine, every shadow dispersed by dayspring. Full of hope, you’ll relax, confident again; you’ll look around, sit back, and take it easy…” (Job 11:15-19 MSG)

So let’s set our hearts on God, reach out to Him, hold on tight and forget our troubles. Let His peace wash over us like sunshine and let His spirit renew our confidence as we wait in Him.

So what’s next for us? Well, we know we still want a family. And are praying continuously about what that means for us. We know that another IVF round is likely a part of us future in the next 4-5 months. And we are praying for continued guidance. direction, provision, and validation that our plans are His plans.

So let the sun shine in. : )

just laugh.

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The People’s Choice Awards seem painfully awkward to watch this year! I can’t help but multitask and blog as I watch the lame jokes and crickets chirping. Is this even a real award show?? As I sit on my couch though, I can’t help but savor this time when the house is quiet and life is calm. I watched my TV show when I came home from work, I made a dinner that didn’t require being cut into tiny pieces, leisurely read my new magazine, will take a quiet bubble bath shortly … I know life won’t always be like this. Sometime soon, I will have to make a dinner that can be grasped by tiny fingers. The house will be filled with the songs of Sesame Street and the magazine subscriptions will likely end, or at least change to parenting ones. Instead of bubble baths, I will crash in bed. Those days will be wonderful. But, until those sleep deprived days come, I will enjoy every single second of this life. Life is just too darn short, and there are too many unknowns to be worrying about tomorrow. To wish for something different. Let’s not let today pass by wishing for a different life. We are exactly where we are meant to be. I will likely look back on these days and wish I worried less about the future and enjoyed the moment more.

My appointment on Monday resulted on wonderful news …. We were pleasantly blessed with the news that there was no residual sac or tissue in my uterus that would require us having to make ANY decision from the earlier 3 choices. My tubes looked great and the ectopic pregnancy was ruled out. I thankfully passed the majority of it this weekend and my levels dropped substantially. I will return to the clinic next Monday and hopefully those numbers will have continued to drop and soon be negative. I can’t even begin to tell you the relief we feel with this answered prayer! THANK YOU for praying!

Infertility is brutal. Those going through it have had too many doctors visits, blood draws, probe exposures, highs and lows, tough calls and difficult decisions. We used to be terrified of needles and now we slide that thing into our belly as easy as we pop a chip into our mouths. It can feel so serious, and it is. It hurts and I can’t pretend like it’s all a joke.  We try to be so polite about infertility, say the right thing, make it a polite experience. But its sucks way more than that. The feelings are too … big. But I do find laughing through the tough days to be a good coping mechanism. ( Q: How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Screw in a light bulb? Hmm, do you think that would work?)  Sometimes, you just have to break the ice in your own head. It can be too much to carry. Give yourself permission to cry and be angry, but also give yourself permission to laugh at the cruelty of this.

In the end, we survive! We will defeat this. It doesn’t always seem “fair”, but “those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.” (Ps. 126:5). Hang in there. Take your Thing and give yourself permission to be real with your emotions. Savor the day for what it is. And keep fighting. God is ever present. He is fighting with us, for us. Keep the faith, sleep while you can, and save your money …. because this reproductive disease is expensive!

miscarriage malfunction.

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It’s amazing how quickly people can fall back into a routine after heartbreak. Sure, the sadness is still there but your mind and body just take over. You make the bed again, wash the dishes, return to work. Respond to emails, attend meetings, order your Starbucks. Laugh. Life goes on. I realize that few people I interact with daily know all of what’s been going on in my life. My attitude can’t change based on my emotions. People still deserve kindness, grace, timely responses and smiles. We pick up the pieces and keep going. It’s getting easier. I feel like part of God’s grace is creating a blanket over the pain. It all feels like of “fuzzy” now. I look back to a week ago and think, “Did we really go through that? How am I still standing?” It sort of feels like it happened to someone else. We just keep marching forward. Life is still moving.

Or course there are still triggers that bring up the painful memories and physical and emotional achiness. Pregnancy announcements on TV showers, seeing baby bumps everywhere (and I mean everywhere! Are they multiplying!?), putting on a scarf I wore to the transfer or a pair of earrings that I bought when I was pregnant. The pain is briefer but just as intense. But again, life moves on.

I had my doctor appointment yesterday to ensure my blood work came back negative. When my doctor called me, I anticipated setting up an appointment for our next consultation to discuss next steps. Instead, what I was told is that I can’t even miscarry correctly. (My words, not hers). Essentially what has happened is my body still thinks I am pregnant. My pregnancy hormones that dipped so significantly a week ago have now quadrupled. No, not to a level where I could have a healthy, viable pregnancy, but to a level where it’s obvious I am still carrying a sac and placenta, but without a baby inside.

So what does this mean?

Well, my doctor kindly explained that it could either be an ectopic pregnancy, one where the embryo has attached outside of the uterus. The chances of this are low because I am not in significant pain. However, still possible and I am to be looking out for symptoms this weekend. Of course this would be an option we pray against, as it could result in the loss of a fallopian tube.

But likely, it’s just what I explained above – the embryo sac is still attached and my body is still producing hormones for the “baby”. I have to go in for a 6 week ultrasound on Monday afternoon to see exactly what’s going on and discuss next steps.

A few options –

  1. I could have a D&C surgery to remove the tissue. This would likely be the simplest solution in the terms of it being a 1 day surgery and the doctor being able to get it all. It does hold with it the risk and expense of another surgery, as well as a required minimum 3 month wait before trying again.
  2. We could take medication to induce it. I have heard that this doesn’t always work and is an incredibly painful way of solving it. This would certain be something I would need to find out more about before considering it.
  3. We wait for my body to handle it naturally. This would result in a “phantom” pregnancy. My bump growing, my body mimicking that it was pregnancy but without a baby. This option doesn’t appeal to me at all.

To be honest, the whole thing is almost comical at this point. I think I am more irritated and annoyed than anything. I mean, come on! First I can’t get pregnant for 4.5 years. Then I go through multiple methods to conceive, including IVF. I end up in the ER with complications. I find out I am pregnant. I begin to miscarry on Christmas. And then find out I actually haven’t miscarried correctly and have to drag this out even more. Sigh.

As I was driving out of the work parking lot yesterday, I realized I had been singing this verse over and over again in my head, a subconscious prayer of worship and submission:

“The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear, And I don’t know the reason why You brought me here.… And I’m clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet so if all of these trials bring me closer to you then I will walk through the fire if You want me to.” – Ginny Owens

I know I shared that song back in June in this blog entry. And it remains the same. I don’t know why. To many, it seems cruel. We don’t understand why a God that is inherently good, allows people to go through painful times. But, He IS good. And He DOES care. So we keep giving it over to Him, accepting His timing and road bumps. We grow stronger by the day, grow closer to one another and to God and feel more prepared to face the future than ever before.

As always,we welcome prayer as we venture into a new unknown on Monday and figuring out what is medically necessary to close this chapter. One foot in front of the other … we keep marching.

two steps forward, one step back.

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I really don’t know where to begin. I find blogging so therapeutic and it helps me process my emotions. Interestingly enough with a massively large audience, but that’s okay. When I started this blog, I wanted to give people a peek inside the world of someone who is struggling with infertility. I knew it would be filled with highs and lows, emotion and rawness. I hoped it could be filled with authenticity and others could relate while reading it, whether they were struggling with infertility or not.

The story of infertility is truly the story of finding complete peace and satisfaction in God, trusting Him always, leaning not on ourselves, and of daily surrender.

I never thought that our story would contain a miscarriage. I never thought our story would pull at so many people’s heart and I never thought that this blog would bless me so much, by allowing so many people in to support us, especially when we needed it most.

Thank you for everyone’s unbelievable support. For taking the time to text us and honor our babies (short) lives. To ask how I am, daily. To understand that space is helpful. To send flowers, cards, strawberries. To solicit prayers from your Facebook friends through statuses and for the endless amounts of authentic, raw responses, sharing your own tough stories. While this has been one of the hardest weeks of my life, it has been one of the biggest blessings, as I have seen God rally His troops to bless us so much and to support us in this time. It is beautiful.

So how am I doing? Well, each hour is different. Each day gets a little easier. The tears are a little less, but the ache in my heart is still there. It’s tough.

Thursday

I laid in bed. All day. Literally in the dark. Shades pulled down. Worship music on repeat. Working my way through an entire box of tissue. My dog patiently laying next to me, refusing the cries of her bladder as she knew asking to go out wouldn’t have an answer in her favor. I felt like a shell of who I once was. I didn’t have my contacts in and my glasses were not comfortable to lay with so I sat in the dark, feeling blind (both figuratively and literally) and completely out of control. I was so comforted by all the incoming messages, texts, promises to pray from friends and family. On Thursday I didn’t know if I would ever be able to get out of bed again. Every time I went to the bathroom, I was re-reminded that my babies were literally being ripped out of me.

Finally, at 6:30 pm, Josh gently peeled me from the tear stained sheets and I went downstairs for a bit. My appetite was gone. I was certain I would never be able to eat again. I felt empty, heartbroken, but never alone. The peace of God surrounded my heart so entirely that I never felt abandoned or forsaken.

Friday

I had to get up on Friday because I had to go back to the clinic for blood work. This was by far the most painful visit of my life. It took me 2 hours to get ready (and by get ready I mean shower and dress, forget hair and make-up). I kept going to lay back down. I hated that the sun was shining. I hated that I had to drive 40 minutes for another needle poke to ensure the miscarriage was happening “properly”. I made myself go to the grocery store, where I was angry that no one around me knew the sorrow that I was walking around with. People seemed too chipper. I felt like I was walking around in a strange reality. Of course I chose the one cashier who wanted to have a long and cheerful conversation, to which I grunted a little and tried to act human. I wanted to spew out my sadness but knew that wouldn’t help.

The call came, confirming that while the miscarriage was indeed being handled naturally, that they needed to continue to follow my pregnancy numbers into the negative range and that I would need to come back in a week to have another blood test done, to confirm the pregnancy was completely gone. I am dreading that visit and appointment.

Friday the sadness came in waves. There were times I felt filled with hope again, knowing this was going to pass and I would return to my new “normal” soon. Then there were times I just cried. Times I pitied myself and times I was just still with God.

Saturday

Larger periods of time between the Funk. Continuing to have hope-filled, encouraging messages sent our way. Feeling so grateful for each of you. Went to a movie with Josh. Laughed and it felt strange. Should I be laughing already? Back home. Cried. Thought about where I was 2 weeks ago today. Sitting on the same couch, but with 2 little babies in my stomach, on bed rest and filled with such optimism and hope. How did so much happened in 2 weeks? Where were my babies? The cramping and bleeding still continued. A constant reminder of how much things had changed.

Sunday

Didn’t get out of my pajamas all day, but the first day I didn’t cry. Or at least cry where tears ran down my face. I am realizing now that I have to go back to work in a few days and need to get my act together. Made dinner and felt like I accomplished a huge feat. Declared to Josh that “tomorrow I will get up, shower and get dressed!” Felt motivated to move on. We continue to discuss what our next steps will be and are anxious to talk with our doctor.

Monday

Woke up. No longer feeling the motivation to get out of bed. Contemplated not moving all day again but knew that wouldn’t solve anything. Showered. Got dressed. Did dishes. I am glad my body and mind can take over such routine things. Jumped in the car to run errands and flipped on the radio, praying that I would make it through the day. Immediately my car was filled with the soft spoken words of a Focus on the Family radio program.

“It was so hard, struggling with infertility. I prayed so hard that my wife could conceive.”

My heart stopped. They never talk about infertility on the radio. And this could go one of two ways, the “so we gave up on that and now are foster parents” or “God answered our prayers”. I needed so badly to hear prayers were answered. My heart couldn’t take the “changed heart” response.

“And so we were prayed over, asking for God’s blessings to have a child. And 3 ½ months later we found out we were pregnant. And then came Ryan and Whitney and Tyler and Anna and Emily … and then we asked to be removed from the prayer list.”

God heard his prayers! He answered and healed their hearts with children. It WAS possible. At this point, I began to cry as I drove. And the host said that so many people listening had lost their hope, were feeling discouraged and beat up. And the guest began to pray this prayer of blessing. (At this point, I turned off the road into an empty parking lot in search of tissue.)

In the name of Jesus Christ, I bless you with the promises of God which are “yes” and “amen”.

May the Holy Spirit make you healthy and strong in body, mind, and spirit. To move in faith and expectancy. May God’s angels be with you to protect and keep you.

Be blessed with supernatural strength to turn your eyes from foolish, worthless, and evil things, and to shut out the demeaning and negative. Instead may you behold the beauty of things that God has planned for you as you obey His Word. May God bless your ears to hear the lovely, the uplifting, and the encouraging. May your mind be strong, disciplined, balanced and faith-filled.

May your feet walk in holiness and your steps be ordered by the Lord. May your hands be tender and helping, blessing those in need. May your heart be humble and receptive to one another and to the things of God, not to the world.

God’s grace be upon your home, that it may be a sanctuary of rest and renewal, a haven of peace where sounds of joy and laughter grace it’s walls, where love and unconditional acceptance of one another is the constant rule.

May God give you the spiritual strength to overcome the evil one and avoid temptation. May God’s grace be upon you to fulfill your dreams and visions. May goodness and mercy follow you all the days of your life.

Amen

Wow. (The guest by the way was Michael W. Smith.) I sat in my car, completely filled with hope and promises that blessings were ahead, and even if not the specific way we were asking for them, that we have all we need in Him.

In painful times, I have learned (and continued to learn), that we have a choice.

We can allow our pain to cause a division between us and God. Or, we can choose to allow that pain to bring us even closer to Him, to allow Him to be intimately nestled into our pain, our confusion, our tears and our struggles. This choice to trust Him regardless of how I “feel” or what we have gone through is one of the easiest choices I have ever made. He has carried us every step of the way. Him carrying us doesn’t shield us from feeling the pains of grief. But it provides us with a way to get through each day, each hour, each minute. A popular Christian author, Beth Moore, writes “God’s word never said we were not to grieve our losses. It says we are not to grieve as those who have no hope. Big difference.” How true is that? Even in these painful times, these tear-filled days, and this physically and emotionally devastating time, we have hope. He never lets us go.

So what’s next for us? We are not sure yet. We know that we want to continue the fight for a family. We plan on meeting with our doctor in the next few weeks to discuss our options. We may choose to go forward with our one frozen embryo, or wait and save to do another fresh cycle (as this one was). We will not forget about our frostie baby, don’t worry. It’s so difficult as future attempts are so financially draining, scary and unrealistic. With literally no insurance coverage, some options may just not be possible for us. That’s a scary reality that I am working through and trusting God to provide. So we continue to pray for guidance and peace as we figure out our next steps.

I return to work on Wednesday. Please keep me in your prayers, that my tears stay away, that I have the energy to fight through a long day, that I don’t feel overwhelmed, and that the return goes smooth.

Bring on 2013!

PS – And yes, I am bitter that Kim Kardashian is pregnant, while still being officially married to another man. That Jessica Simpson is pregnant, again, while her first is only 8 months. And that the woman at Target today asked me if I had any kids and wouldn’t stop yacking about her two kids under 2 that are holding her “hostage” tonight. But maybe my opinions will change in an hour ….

angel babies.

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Joy. Sorrow. Grief. Pain. Loss. The emotions of our week.

On the morning of Sunday the 23rd, Josh and I had the joy of finding out that we were indeed pregnant and expecting. We were in complete shock, couldn’t stop smiling and praising God for our miracle baby/babies. It was so surreal, a joy unlike anything we had felt before. I “felt” pregnant. I was sure everyone I saw could tell. We took the first side profile shots, bought onsies, schemed all day about how we were going to tell our family and close friends. I know our babies thought my jokes were funnier than Dad’s as we talked to them and fell in love.

Christmas Eve we were able to confirm the pregnancy with strong lab results and congratulations from our doctor. We were able to shock Josh’s parents with the news. We celebrated and cried. We had little visitors at the family Christmas Eve celebration that no one knew about yet. What a Christmas present.

Christmas morning we were able to surprise my parents and sister with the news. What a blessing and precious memory that is. To say people were “excited” is an understatement. I felt on top of the world. We wondered if it was one or two (I think two), boys or girls, what sports they would play. The due date of September 2, 2013 is burned into my brain. Your baby is the size of an orange seed, the apps told me. We read what was not allowed during pregnancy. Josh made sure I knew what kinds of cheeses I could and couldn’t eat. We celebrated this Christmas miracle.

Midday I began to cramp. I had read that cramping was okay as long as it wasn’t accompanied by bleeding. It felt strange, cramping, since I hadn’t experienced those kinds of cramps in a while. However when I went to the bathroom, the fear kicked in as I realized I was also bleeding. Not old brown blood, which they tell you is normal, but bright red blood, which they tell you isn’t good.

I went upstairs to lie down. We prayed. We were scared but felt that God had this all under control. My family graciously left, allowing Josh and I to be together. Attempting to relax while continuing to bleed and cramp made for the longest Christmas day ever. We paged our doctor who told us this could be normal and not to worry, to come back to the clinic in the morning for blood work.

I gradually stopped bleeding over night and we felt a sense of relief. Just one of those “weird pregnancy things” we would have to get used to! “This will be a long 9 months” Josh kept saying. He became so protective of me the instant we found out I was pregnant. I went to the clinic for my blood test, waiting for our numbers to come back strong and positive. Our little babies were just being trouble makers already.

Then the call came. “I am so sorry Chelsea, to tell you, that your numbers lowered, indicative of a pregnancy that is not viable. You are experiencing a miscarriage. Please come back on Friday for blood work to ensure that your body is naturally handling the discard.”

Our world stopped.

We held it together till 4:30, when Josh and I were back together. And then we lost it. What would our baby have looked like? What would their names have been? Whose eyes would they have had? Why is this happening to us? Wouldn’t a negative result just been that much easier? Why the hope and then the devastation? I feel like my heart has physically been ripped out. I feel empty inside. I can’t look in the mirror, I just see someone who won’t see her baby bump grow. Who feels beaten down. We are filled with a sorrow we can’t explain. I can’t open the bathroom drawer, for that’s where we stashed all the positive pregnancy tests, ones we took just to see the two lines appear again and again. I can’t touch my phone, for that’s where all the pictures of our baby story is, our videos of us telling our parents, pictures of me with “I love my Mommy” newborn clothes, pictures of Josh with his “Daddy & Me” onsie is, pictures of Cali angrily stuffed into an “I’m Gonna Be a Big Sister!” shirt.

Why?

Why will I never be able to hold my babies in my arms? Why will I never hear their cries? Why will September 2nd come and go without new life?

I don’t know. I am heartbroken. I am so sad. I am not angry. I knew this could happen, statistics say 1 in 4 pregnancies result in a miscarriage. I just didn’t think this would happen to us. After all we have been through, couldn’t we have just been able to experience this miraculous joy?

I share this with you and beg for your prayers. Please allow us to grieve privately right now. Many people are awaiting news and are still hoping for the best and praying for a test this weekend. The encouraging, excitement texts are too painful to receive. We can’t quite say these words out loud yet. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want visitors. I will be lucky if I can pull myself out of bed today. We just need prayers. We don’t know why God has allowed this to happen, but we know that our babies are with Him. We know that “before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.” (Jeremiah 1:5) He loved them just as much, if not more, than we did.

I don’t understand, but I will continue to put my trust in His promises. I know He will help us through this period of sorrow. It doesn’t make sense but His constant love for us will always be true. God has proven to continue to work in our hearts and more than ever before, do we need to lean on Him each minute. Each day we will pick up more pieces. The thought of the future and trying this again is overwhelming right now. I don’t know what lies ahead for us. But today, we grieve. Please say a special prayer for us.

Love,

A Mommy and Daddy that were

baby

 

Merry Christmas!

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Merry Christmas Eve all! This is one of my most favorite times of the year. Christmas music blaring, the fire blazing, hot cocoa in hand and lights everywhere … it truly is a magical time of the year! And I think now, more than ever in years past, do I realize the true miracle and glory that was shown when Jesus came to earth. A virgin, Mary, became with child with the Prince of Peace. In the midst of shots, pills, ultrasounds, surgeries, blood work and patience, the realization that there was a real pregnancy, a real child, a real birth is incredible. What courage, anxiety and hope Mary must have been filled with!

I think about all the tender moments that Mary share with her precious newborn son. Remembering the Jesus was fully human, I think of all the nights she stayed up late trying to get him to calm down and go to sleep. The first smiles that might have just been gas but still made her so excited; Joseph gagging over the first really stinky diaper; the arguments about whose turn it was to get up to soothe his tears. The giggles, the first steps, the first words. It all makes me smile and appreciate even more the humanness of our Lord. We talk about Him going to earth in the flesh and dwelling among us. And this is what it means – He was born on this earth to become a sacrifice for each of us. I cannot imagine the sorrow God felt when He knew that His son was born to die. I can’t even imagine having a child, knowing it would be a sacrifice. Yet that’s exactly what happened.

So often we read and envision Christ as a 30-something year old adult man, sharing stories, breaking bread, walking with His disciples. But, during this time especially, I urge you to stop and reflect on the beauty of His flesh, birth and childhood.

“My plan for your life is unfolding before you. Sometimes the road you are traveling seems blocked, or it opens so painfully slowly that you must hold yourself back. Then, when time is right, the way before you suddenly clears – through no effort of your own. What you have longed for and worked for I present to you freely, as a pure gift. You feel awed by the east with which I operate in the world, and you glimpse My Power and My Glory….As you persevere along the path I have prepared for you, depending on My strength to sustain you, expect to see miracles – and you will.” – Jesus Calling

Savor His goodness and His glory, His presence and His power, His humanness and His love … Merry Christmas!

and the waiting begins (again).

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So last time I blogged was last Friday (where did a week go!?). We were waiting for a call about our embryos. We were told that as of Thursday night, they were all still alive  (the 7 that is), and that the 6 split into an 8 cell and that our little straggler was still a 2 cell. Day 4 of incubation is the most critical developmental day so they do not disturb them on that day. They let us know to come in the morning to meet with our doctor who would tell us the final details on our embryos.

Josh and I were SO excited going into our embryo transfer! It really was such a special day. We were able to go out to breakfast together before hand and enjoy some special time together before the transfer. Once we got to the Center, we met with our doctor who let us know that our little straggler didn’t make it (which we kind of expected). Of the 6 remaining, 1 of them became a blastocyst, which mean that one would be transferred for sure. Then they look at the remaining embryos and depending on their stage and grade, they transfer the next best. We had one that was the stage right before the blastocyst stage (called a morula). The lab grades the embryos on a scale of 1-4. Our blastocyst was given a grade 3 and our morula was given a grade 2. (It mainly has to do with cell fragmentation within the embryo.) We were assured that both embryos looked great and that these are average grades.

Our doctor suggested that we implant 2 embryos, which is where Josh and I were feeling lead as well. She said with those specific two, and knowing my own medical lab work, etc, she gave us a 51% chance of getting a positive pregnancy result and a 15% chance of twins. I think Josh and I both wished it was a little higher than 51% but were happy that it was much higher than any percentage we have had in the past.

She also let us know that the remaining 4 embryos would be given 1 more day to become blastocysts. In order to freeze, they need to be in that stage.

Josh was able to be in the room with me during the embryo transfer which was wonderful! It was so special to watch on the screen together the actual transfer and to see the babies nestled in my uterus. I was relaxed with the help of Valium for the procedure and apart from the uncomfortableness from a very full bladder (32 oz in 30 minutes right before the transfer), I really didn’t feel a thing. We spent some time there resting and then were sent home. Our doctor explained to us that the embryos weren’t going to fall out (I was worried!). She said to think of them like 2 peas on a peanut butter sandwich, haha.

The first few days after the transfer I was on strict bedrest. Josh made sure I wasn’t scrunching or bent or moving in any way. The first day I was incredibly antsy. I am not a back rester/sleeper so not being able to be comfortable on my stomach was annoying. But the time passed quickly. The next couple days were better as my body’s exhaustion took over and I found some more comfortable ways to lounge. We were also informed that 3 of our embryos didn’t make it, but 1 did and it became a blastocyst so we have froze that. We were told that it has a 50% chance of making it through the dethaw process and about a 30% chance of resulting in a pregnancy. Again, not amazing odds but better than most and I am grateful we have another chance. It brings a lot of mental relief knowing that there is a chance to do a frozen embryo transfer assuming it survives the thawing process.

We were told if the embryos would implant, it would be within the first 48 hours. Essentially once they transfer the embryos into me, they then have to implant themselves. So the reality is, either they are in there right now or not. It’s a scary reality. Throughout this entire TTC journey, I have always had some feedback throughout the process. Checking follicles, lining, uterus shapes, lab work. Now I just wait. And can do nothing about the end results. Most days are really good days. I talk to the little babies. I envision good news and think positive thoughts. But I have bad days too. Wednesday was exceptionally difficult as the reality that there was a chance that I am not pregnant set in. I feel like I have gotten attached to these two little peanuts and spent the day “pre-grieving” negative news. I wish I could have snapped out of it. I had friends and family thrusting good thoughts my way. But my brain and eyes just wept for the journey, for the exhaustion, for the reality, out of fear that this truly may not be God’s time yet. It’s completely out of our hands. I know hormones don’t help logical thinking. In the end, I know that regardless the outcome, that we will be okay. We have each other, our friends and family, our fur baby, and most importantly, our Father who cares far more than we could ever imagine.

“That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.  For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!  So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

All of our Things, whether trying to conceive, dealing with pain and suffering, struggling to get by … in the long run, these things are very small. But we have an opportunity to take these tough times and use them to strength us, make us better people, share His light, rejoice in Him and bring Him glory. When we focus on Him instead of on us, it takes the power away from Satan, no longer allowing him to run the “what if…”’s and “how come”’s that attack our brain. It’s not easy. And I fail at this, like Wednesday. But joy comes in the morning and we wake with renewed strength. Josh is my forever optimist and positive light. I am so thankful for him and the constant reassurance he brings.

A lot of people are asking “so when do you find out?!” This is a tough question to answer because the reality of the heartbreak and pain, or the joy and celebration can’t be shared or pinned to one day. So please know that we will find by the end of the year and will share with all of you the end results after we have had time to process, share with close friends and family and such. Your continued prayers mean so much. Your thoughtful texts, cards, and messages have encouraged me each day. We have been blessed with an amazing small group and family that have supported us with meals nearly every night for about 2 weeks. This has been a gigantic blessing as I still continue to gain strength and motivation.

Can you believe we are here? It all seems surreal still. I know that God doesn’t work on percentages or grades, chance or luck. It’s a comfort to know that our hope lies in Him and He is always watching out for us and for our future children. Keep waiting with us and praying …. You all are the best!


The morning of, enjoying a 7 am date with my husband :)

The morning of, enjoying a 7 am date with my husband : )

Meeting our 2 babies for the first time!

Meeting our 2 babies for the first time!

We love them. (I think they have my eyes.)

We love them. (I think they have my eyes.)

There they are! (Upper left hand side, the tiny white spot about the cursor.)

There they are! (Upper left hand side, the tiny white spot about the cursor.)

Lots of sleeping. Good thing I have a snuggley puppy. :)

Lots of sleeping. Good thing I have a snuggley puppy. : )

my week.

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Settle in friends. Maybe go make a bucket of popcorn or stop and get a coffee refill first. I have a feeling this will be a long one. (When I realized I hadn’t blogged since before the egg retrieval surgery, I felt mad at tired, I-‘can’t-blog-right-now-Chelsea. I have my work cut out for me now.)

I will try to be prompt and efficient.

ZzzhzzZhhZHHHzhhzzhhhhhhh (the sound effects of going backwards in time)

Monday

10:00 am

C – (in head) I am so glad I am remembering to shave my legs.(Author’s note: See, only the important stuff is making it today)

10:15 am – 11:30 am

We leave for the Center! The roads were bad and we knew we had to be there by 11:30, not a minute later. So we left early, and am glad that we did! We got there a little early but were able to prep ourselves for the day ahead. Waiting in the waiting room, I realized that Josh is totally not cut out to be in serious situations. I was trying to be mature and composed and he kept making jokes and making me laugh. (Ok, at one point I did wrap my scarf around my face and he reminded me I wasn’t at home, alone.) Either way, we were getting kind of goofy. I was so thirsty (no food or liquids since the day before) and I am blaming that on our silliness. (He has no excuse, for the record).

11:30 am – 12:30 pm

We go in for pre-op! We met our nurse who seemed so nice. She explained what would happen, asked a lot of questions and was so excited for us, it made the experience seem even more exciting. The doctor on call that day came in and visited with us, not the same doctor we have had through the whole thing, but we knew that it could be any of them. Dr. C was very nice and thorough as well. Then the anesthesiologist came in, talked a little about the medication portion and split us up. Josh and I said goodbye and I went back to the surgery room with her. Getting up on the table and swinging my legs over the stir-ups was nearly impossible. At this point, I felt so incredible swollen and sore (yes people, the 4 months pregnancy piece is true. I was HUGE. And uncomfortable.) so they needed to assist me.

The IV thing is always tricky with me. I have teeny tiny veins and both of my arms were already very bruised from all the blood work I had been giving over the weeks. I explained my teeny tiny vein situation (TTVS for short) to the anesthesiologist and she said she excels at TTVS’s. At first we got one in my left arm, or so we thought, until my arm started burning and we realized it wasn’t going to work. (The saline went into my blood and it burned up my arm a bit. She felt really bad.) Finally after some digging we found one in the other arm and she administered me something to make me relax (which was nice). The team finished setting up and I was making small talk with the nurses. They started talking to each other and I decided to pray. I prayed for Josh and then I prayed that all the prayers of everyone who was praying for us that day would be released on me …. And then I woke up. Seriously, she didn’t even tell me she was giving me the sleeping stuff! (Now as I type, I wonder if she thought I was already sleeping because my eyes were closed from praying. That makes more sense.) The doctor popped up from the other side of the table and said “Good job! We got 11 eggs. Nice work.” I remember being excited and then confused as they begin to tug me from the table and had me move into a hospital recovery bed.“No, scoot over more. No, more. No, more. I can’t put the rail up.”

A quick zip down the hall to a quiet little room. The nurse gave me some Tylenol with my first sip of water of the day (YEAH!) and I waited a few seconds for Josh to join me. We were both really excited about the 11 eggs, being right around average. Everything went fast from there. I was waking up fine, making jokes and finished my water and my bag of fluids. I was popped in a wheelchair, wheeled to the car and to home we headed! At this point I was just very swollen and tender still in my abdomen but that’s really it.

The rest of the day was relaxed. Josh made me some soup, we watched a TV show. I was really sore but Tylenol helped.

Tuesday

I woke up in the middle of the night, around 4:00 am and was so disappointed to realize I was still in pain. The swelling in my stomach was not going down and I was feeling a lot of pressure in my lower abdomen. It was painful to walk, but bearable. I called my nurse at 8:00 am and she told me that swelling was to be expected. Sometimes, after the procedure, the follicle cavities will fill back up with fluid. It should go down naturally but would cause that pressure I was feeling. She ordered me to drink a lot of Gatorade and increase my protein and that the doctor would call to check on me around lunchtime. (Thankfully my parents brought me over Gatorade and a rotisserie chicken.) I tried to drink, but my insides were feeling so full and bloated, it was hard. I was continuing to get more uncomfortable.

Wednesday

My uncomfortable-ness was moving to pain. My abdomen pain was not staying in the lower portion of my body, it kept moving up my chest, making it feel nearly impossible to eat or drink, yet I had to keep trying to push Gatorade. The pressure on my abdomen had me getting up to go to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so (so this is what pregnant women feel like!) and I was having a hard time getting fluids in.

We got a call from our embryo lab that 7 out of the 11 eggs were mature and usable and that they all fertilized! At this point, it had been about 40 hours and 6 of them had already split into a 4-cell embryo (the best at this point) and we have one little 2-cell split straggler. The embryologist seemed excited for us and said we would be able to do a 5 day transfer vs the 3 day transferred based on the strength of the embryos. YEAH! Josh and I officially had 7 little embryo babies. We would get another call on Friday with another update. More waiting.

My friend Becky brought over dinner, which was wonderful. I ate a little bit, since it looked and smelled so good! It took up the last little cavity of space between my ribs and now I officially looked and felt like a whale. I had been weighing myself since the day of the surgery and had gone up, up, and up in water weight. I thought I was going to be getting better when I went down a bit, but it shot back up. At this point, I had gained nearly 12 pounds in 2 days. I was so uncomfortable. Josh got home, we rested and relaxed and I continued to get more miserable. About 10:30, we headed up to our bedroom. The climb up the stairs seemed horrifically painful and I remember thinking, “it shouldn’t be this bad. Something isn’t right.” When we got to our room, I ask for the garbage can. I was so hot and felt nauseous. I told Josh, “I don’t know, I feel like if this doesn’t get better, we might have to go in somewhere.” I then started praying for discernment. I truly needed God to intervene and make it clear if I needed to get additional help or if this was normal. I kept praying “Give me discernment.” The word vomit popped up in my head and I said “Ok, if I throw up, then that’s a sign I need to go in.” Within minutes, I was on the bathroom floor vomiting. But I thought perhaps that would make me feel better, so I thought “Ok, if I just go lay on the bed and think I can fall asleep, then I won’t go in.” And then when incredible abdomen spasms hit, causing me so much pain that I literally could not uncurl myself from the ball on the floor. I cried out to Josh that we needed to get to the hospital. He dressed quickly and I realized, I could not physically get myself to stand up. I was certain an ambulance would have to pick me up in my t-shirt and underwear off the bathroom floor. Luckily, I just kept praying for strength to get up and was able to a few minutes later. I quickly threw on pants (you’re welcome ER) and off we went.

The drive seemed so long. I was in so much pain I knew that this was absolutely the right thing to be doing. I could tell Josh was scared for me. He did an awesome job driving to the hospital quickly and smoothly and I just kept asking God for mercy.

The ER wait seemed forever (Clearly there was no such thing as “emergency”, as the check-in lady calmly helped a man that cut in front of me figure out how he could charge his phone battery while I riled in pain in line). But soon, we were in a room (22), with our nurse (Ann) going over triage information. We met our doctor, Dr. Elijah E., who was truly so kind. Of course they don’t see a lot of IVF egg retrieval post-op complications but he listened to my concerns and talked through a game plan. I was so dehydrated at this point since the follicle cavities were pulling all of my fluid into them and both Josh and I were so grateful when they started me on fluids, and then pain medication. (Ah, yes, the blood work and IV starting process was even more fun this time around … not.) But I kept having horrible attacks of pain. They called in for an ultrasound and the women came in from home, since they don’t staff someone 24-7 (which makes sense. I was just glad she lived close!).

The ultrasound was truly the most painful experience of my life. The morphine didn’t touch my pain and the internal pressure and spasms made me feel like there was no chance of ever feeling better. I was heaving from the pain, just wailing to God to help. The ultrasound technician was incredible kind and explained that she would do the external ultrasound, then the internal one. She let me writhe but let me tell you, having a swollen, painful-to-the-touch stomach go through a pressure filled, 5 minute+ ultrasound was the worst thing in my life. I was in too much pain to cry, I kept getting so hot. I begged for my gown to be taken off (thank God looking back, that no one listened to me as that would NOT have been pretty). Josh fanned me with a checkbook, which is all we could find in the room. She let me get up to go the bathroom after the external ultrasound and I just sat in the bathroom bench and felt like I was going to die. I couldn’t get my gown completely off because the IV ran through the arm but just tried to breath and pray and calm down.

Finally, I was able to get my gown back on and get back on the table for the internal ultrasound, which, was painful in an entirely different way. I just remember looking at Josh while I moaned and saw how helpless he felt. I had to twist my body in weird angles to feel somewhat comfortable. Finally, I had a few moments of relief. Our Ultrasound tech shared that she too had some difficulties conceiving and had a Clomid baby. She was excited for us and our IVF journey and even did a sneak peak at my uterine lining to let me know it was still nice and thick for the implantation.

She shared with us that there didn’t appear that the fluid from the follicles were leaking, which was a huge relief and a big concern of mine going in. But she did say that the follicles were very big, some over 3 cm and that my ovaries, which normally are around 2.5 cm themselves, were over 9 cm. What was happening is that the pressure from the swollen, gigantically enlarged ovaries were pushing on my intestines which are wrapped around and throughout them and causing these awful pressure spasms. We still had to wait for other results to come in, but it was nice having an explanation, and also a relief that there wasn’t sign of fluid leaking.

The pain started coming back awful again. They paged for a tech to bring me back to my room. I had to go sit in the bathroom again on the little bench hunched over in pain just praying the pain passed. Finally, I was able to get back on the gurney and brought down to my room.

Now the funny part …

We were in our room, in a brief moment of relief, when our doctor came in. His mannerism looked like he had something to tell us.

DR – Well, you guys. I have some news. I wanted to wait for the blood work and the urine sample to confirm, but its confirmed … you’re pregnant.

I wish I could have paused the room at that moment. I wasn’t looking at Josh, but at the doctor. For a quarter of a second I thought “What kind of joke is this? Is this for real?” and then instantly I realized that the hCg trigger shot we took on Saturday night causes false positive pregnancy tests for about 6-9 days after administrated.

C – Oh, no I am not. It’s the hGc shot I took on Saturday.

DR – Oh, you didn’t tell me about that.

C – Yea, I forgot. It will give you a false positive. I am not pregnant. I don’t think that’s even possible.

DR – Well, we have to operate under the assumptions that you are because of the lab numbers.

C – Yea, I am not pregnant.

He asked for my doctors number and went out to page her to confirm the truth in my statement (which indeed was true, I am NOT pregnant). Josh and I could not stop laughing. The doctor clearly felt bad and poor Josh was very confused during the conversation as well, trying to figure out if this had a truth possibility. We kept announcing to each other that “you’re pregnant” and trying to reenact our faces and reactions. I felt terrible for this poor doctor who thought he was giving us the best surprise ever, when in fact, it was just that I couldn’t remember the names of all the medications I took over the last few weeks. Awww. Well, I just never ever imagined the moment I was told I was pregnant being like that.

Finally, after talking to our doctor, getting my pain under control and my body re-hydrated  it was a lovely 4 am and we were released. The fluids began to help my body flush out the fluids in my ovaries and the pain medicine helped my body begin to relax, which let go of so much of the tension in my abdomen. I could stand when I left and the spasms, while still there, were so quiet that I wanted to leap for joy.

Honestly, if we had not gone to the ER, I would have continued to have the pressure and fluid build, likely rupturing, causing an infection and absolutely making it impossible for us to have an implantation done. I went in at exactly the right time and as of today, am still cleared for a embryo transfer tomorrow!!! Praise God. He heard our prayers and answered them, not in a way I expected, but clearly in a way that’s praiseworthy. (A great example of Isaiah 55:9 which I shared on Monday! “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”)

Thursday

Josh is a serious rock star. The man got barely 2.5 hours of sleep and went back to work the next day. I woke up feeling like a million dollars, weighing 10 pounds less than I did 12 hours ago. I felt SO much relief from the pressure in my abdomen. Granted it’s still very tender, but more of what is to be expected. I need to continue to rest and they have me on some nausea medication and pain medicine still to keep the muscles loosen and me feeling comfortable  This is helping my body naturally return to its normal state. I slept most of the day, had a few visitors, had an amazing lasagna brought over by a friend and was able to go to bed extra early with my very sleepy husband.

Today

Whoa, right? (I told you this would be long). Today we are waiting to get our final embryo report. We are praying that the babies have split into 7-10 cells at this point and will be entering the blastocyst stage. We will get some exact percentages for us to conceive based on the quality of these embryos and will then have the decision to make on how many to implant (choices are only 1 or 2). We most likely will do 2, but will not finalize that decisions before more information and thoughtful prayer. Keep praying for this report today, we are so excited! We know that the continued life and development of all of these embryos is unlikely, so we pray that we have some strong ones that make it so Mommy can take care of them in her tummy soon. :)

Thank you for ALL of your texts and prayers! The cards have made me smile, the meals, flowers, mailed packages – they all make me so happy and I truly feel so loved. What a blessing it has been to open up this journey to all of you! Can’t wait to celebrate soon. : )