Category: IVF

omg TTC & IF sucks.

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1 day until I start taking my birth control pills. 15 business days left of work. 12 days until we obtain our new meds, finish blood work, and sign all the exciting papers. 32 days till I pull back on a tiny syringe and start my shots. Approximately 51 days till I go into my egg retrieval surgery. AH! This is coming up fast! And slow. 51 days!? I finished my other prescription earlier this week without any significant issues and am glad to have that behind me.

Is anyone sick and tired of talking about infertility, IVF, waiting and wanting yet? I AM! I seriously sit down in front of the computer and feel like a broken record. It’s been almost a year since I started this blog and I feel like I could copy and paste last year’s postings for this year’s postings and call it a day.

WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING ME GOD!?

I have learned that when ready, God is waiting to use our testimony to change lives.

I continue to grow as a person, as a wife, as a friend. I have learned about patience, endurance, strength and grief. I have gained courage to tell our story as one that hopefully spotlights Christ, even though the story is not finished yet. I don’t think I would have chosen this life for us, but now that it’s here, I willingly and joyfully embrace it, excited to see where God will bring us next.

Early today I laid on a table as an Esthetician painfully ripped out leg hairs from their little follicle homes on my thighs. As I winced, she started up with pleasant conversation to distract from the feeling of the firey tingle.

“So, do you have any kids?”

(Whatever happened to “What do you do for a living?” or “How was your week?”)

“No, no kid. (awkward pause). I actually struggle with infertility.”

At this point I am sure I widened my eyes in a “I’m sorry I just spit that out” sort of way. But instead, was enthusiastically embraced with a “Ohmygosh! I struggled with that too!”

Ah, the sweet relief in not having “infertility” be a unmentionable word.

She carried on to tell me about her and her husband’s struggles to have their 2 kids, their multiple miscarriages and their recent decision to stop trying for a third. It was refreshing to hear someone talk so enthusiastically about a battle that I face and to do so with such positivity.

“You WILL get pregnant in May. You will. I just know it. Don’t even think that you won’t. Oh I am so excited for you.” (RIPPPPPPP – KELLY CLARKSON!)

We had the chance to talk about what keeps me going (Faith. Support.) and even though she didn’t acknowledge that we shared the common denominator of Christ, she hugged me at the end and I loved walking away knowing that even though that could been an awkward polite conversation with someone who had no idea what to say, it wasn’t. And I was even able to share a little bit about what keeps me strong and how trials really do bring joy. Unexpected blessings. Deepened faith.

Infertility is becoming talked about more and more and embraced with an empathetic compassion that I appreciate. More and more people are reaching out to a TTC community and sharing their struggles with people, some even blogging about it (gasp!). The support and love I have felt as a result of that has been incredible.

So, as we continue to wait for the next step, I will take this time to embrace the testimony God is creating in us. I love hearing that many of you are sharing our story and this blog with those you know who are struggling with infertility as well. Thanks for passing along your kind words and for continuing with us in this journey. Like I said in the beginning, I feel like a broken record, so when you remind me you are still tagging along, it’s reassuring knowing you still care.

I have to laugh at how many TTC Acronyms we have. I have gotten a few texts recently about people asking “WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?” in response to a posting or Instagram response. So in closing, here are some of the most commonly used acronyms – enjoy learning my language! : )

  • 2WW: Two-week wait (hopefully you guys know this one by now!
  • AF: Aunt Flow, that lovely visitor
  • BD: Baby dance (bluntly put, having sex)
  • BFN: Big fat negative (pregnancy test result)
  • BFP: Big fat positive (pregnancy test result)
  • CB: Cycle buddy (someone who is sharing the same cycle as you, working towards a BFP!)
  • CD: Cycle day
  • CM: Cervical mucus  (This is so gross to even blog about, but its so commonly used in the TTC world that I had to include it!)
  • DH: Dear Husband (darling husband, depending on when – dumb husband. KIDDING! I love you Josh.)
  • DPO: Days past ovulation
  • EW: Eggwhite (re: consistency of cervical mucus – gross, again I know, but …)
  • FMU: First morning urine (what you are supposed to use to test for a pregnancy test)
  • HPT: Home pregnancy test
  • IF: Infertility
  • IUI: Intrauterine Insemination
  • IVF: In Vitro Fertilization (I really hope you know this one by now too!)
  • OPK: Ovulation predictor kit (this helps women measure specifically when they are going to ovulate … so they can BD!)
  • PCOS: Polycystic ovarian syndrome
  • TTC: Trying to conceive

Now … to put it into a fake Message Board post that literally, I swear I have seen before – “Ugh, I am on CD20 and yesterday I had EWCM but I didn’t get a positive on my OPK. We will still BD and hopefully my DH and I don’t go crazy during the 2WW! AF better not show her ugly face. I will NOT take a HPT before 14DPO because I don’t want to get my hopes up. Anyone else in the wait and want to be CB?”

And that, my friends, is my language. : ) Thanks for reading along and hope you have a great weekend!

hormones, waiting and a greater purpose.

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Nailpolish. Notecards. Real Coke (the soda that is). Starbucks. Josh’s jokes.  Bookstores. Writing utensils. Coffee mugs. Fuzzy socks. Gilmore Girls. My dog.

All things that I love.

Waiting. Glass half-empty people.  Waiting. Not having a baby. Waiting. Medicine that makes me feel icky. Waiting. People that don’t acknowledge your kindness in traffic. Waiting. Breaking a tea bag and flooding your cup with grounds. Waiting.

All things I don’t love.

I started a medication on Saturday that is the first step in prepping for this IVF cycle. YAHOO! It’s been annoying but manageable. I have been on it in the past and my side effects have been similar to those experiences – a headache, some nausea (mainly in the morning), and tiredness. I am 3/10 pills in and know what to expect so I am not too worried – this too shall pass – but am excited for the 10th day to be here too.

In the meantime, I had some bloodwork done last Thursday to test my hormone levels and make sure my baselines were all within appropriate ranges in order to start the medicine – which clearly they were. A HUGE praise!  We meet with our IVF consultant team at the end of March (whoa, that’s THIS month!) and are excited for that too. So, guess what … we’re waiting!!!

So here I am, bored in my waiting period, continuing to be inpatient with what is to come.  Then suddenly – *ding* – the inbox of my email chimes and I catch the Proverbs 31 Ministries devotional Subject line for the day – There is Purpose in the Wait. I had to laugh. Yes, got it God. Thank you. But I loved the message inside enough to regurgitate for you today. (That’s an attractive word.)

  1. Even though we are anointed and appointed we may still have to wait. Throughout the Bible we see long, drawn out waiting periods for a destiny to be reached. Why do I think that my life story needs to be any different? I believe in my heart I have been called to a role of a mother – like David was called to the role of a King – but still, the wait may be required. And I have to be okay with that.
  2. If we allow it, our waiting will bring us to an intimate knowledge of God that we would not otherwise have. The message points out that some of David’s most beautiful psalms were written while he was in the wilderness, waiting on God. Likewise, I feel that this has been the time of the most spiritual growth and inspiration for me. Yes, it’s tough – but in the times of waiting, you learn so quickly that you have to fully lean into Him in order to make the ache go away. We just have to allow ourselves the ability to give it to Him.
  3. God does not ignore the cries of His children. Ah, how often have we cried and begged and cried some more, pleading with God to intervene and help us. And even though the outcomes and circumstances are different than what we envisioned, God still has never let us down. I have never felt ignored or abandoned – if anything, more than ever, I feel His ache for us.
  4. Our waiting has a purpose for someone other than ourselves. This one was a great point for me to read – that It’s not all about us. The devotion shared this thought: “Just think of how rich our lives are today because of the wait David endured. We have the comfort, compassion, hope, and healing of the Psalms.” Wow, what a beautiful take away that Josh and my period of waiting may have a purpose for someone else. A humbling thought in acknowledging that and makes me excited to give this time back to God to use.

We all know that waiting is less difficult when we allow God to intervene in our period of waiting. I fully expect Him to continue to move and act, even when time seems to go by slowly and the future is unknown.

I would have been just passing into my 2nd trimester this week had I not miscarried. The time that has passed has healed some of the wounds, as have the prayers and petitions of many for us. I know my babies are in the arms of Jesus, but I still can’t help but look down at my stomach sometimes and wonder what it would be like if things had gone differently.  My baby would have eyelids forming this week and would be starting to twitch its arms and legs. It would be about the size of an egg and almost 3 inches long – fully moving out of the embryo stage to the fetus stage. I wish I could be part of that celebration in watching it grow into a little person.

I so adore everyone who is routinely checking in on me/us and echoing the continuation of prayers for us. I greatly appreciate this and it means so much. Your cards, encouraging words, emails and texts always make me smile. Love love love!

So hang in there with us as we chug towards this next journey and adventure! We pray that our waiting has a purpose for someone other than ourselves … and that God continues to work in your lives in your period of Wait!

On a side note – Catherine or Lindsay!? Who will it be!? And what will I do on Monday nights when the Bachelor is done. *Sigh*   And I ran across this funny Infertility comic the other day and had to share …

dow

Have a great week!

gotta have patience. gotta wait.

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“Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.”

This sentence has become a popular one in my niece Scarlett’s vocabulary. When I asked her about the gifts around the Christmas tree, she simply said “Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.” When I asked her about some friends coming over later that day and if she was excited, the answer was simple, “Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.” Even a simple question like “are you ready for dinner?” has been answered with a “Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.” Not only is her little voice saying that one of the cutest things, “godda be pashent, godda wait.”, but the message is simple – she knows she has something to look forward to but the time isn’t now. She doesn’t doubt that the time is coming when she will have the gifts revealed, the friends at the door, the dinner on the table – but the time isn’t now.

When I think about waiting till April to start another IVF cycle, her little voice echo’s loudly in my head…”Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.” But with it comes the simple realization that it will be happening and it is in the future. Now is the time of demonstrating adult patience. I swear it should get easier the older we get, but it doesn’t. In fact, kids seem to be much better at distracting themselves while they wait. As an adult, all I can think about it wanting to fast forward to April, to feel the poke of the needle in my stomach again (who’d have ever thought that!), to make the 55 mile round trip drive to and from the clinic each day, to have the excitement about the potential to be even more real. Instead, I have to practice my ability to be patient.

Bah.

I hate waiting.

I feel like all I have done is wait.

And I am surrounded by others who are waiting too – waiting for a job, waiting for direction in a relationship, waiting for a baby, waiting for a spouse, waiting for test results, waiting for treatments to be over, waiting for an answer to a massive prayer. It seems nearly everywhere I turn right now, I am with someone waiting. Half of the time we stare at each other saying “It’s gonna be ok! We can wait. It’s for a reason. Let’s look at what we are being taught in these moments, what we can take away from this.” And then to the other half of the time it’s a “WHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!?!?!?!”

We have all heard the lovely patience quotes before … “Patience is the greatest of all virtues.” and “He that can have patience can have what he will.” Words regarding patience show up at least 50 times throughout the Bible. In fact, a popular song in my house growing up was this one – “Have patience, have patience, don’t be in such a hurry. When you get impatient, you only start to worry…” We are inundated with the reminders that patience is important. And yet, truthfully, most of us suck at it.

Webster’s defines patience as the “ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with a delay.” Restlessness is a good word. As is annoyance. It later uses the words ”steady perseverance”. I WANT to be more patient. I WANT to say I am fully embracing every second of waiting, but truthfully some days are harder than others. I KNOW I am right where I am supposed to be. I work to try to find the moments in each day that make it meaningful and matter. But I am still learning the art of patience. I read the other day “Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success.”

Hebrews 12 talks about running “with endurance the race that is set before us.” It’s empowering to know that this path before me is set. I am not making the way, God has cleared this path for us and now I need to roll up my sleeves of perseverance and endurance, equipped myself with patience, and charge ahead.

“Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.”

52 days till shots start again. 7 days till I start my first pill to prepare me for the cycle. 48 days till my last day of work. 20 days till my spring break vacation. 33 days till our balance is due for the cycle. Days whirl by. I can do this.

“Start with where you are at this point in time and space, accepting that this is where I (God) indeed you to be. You will get through today one step, one moment at a time. Your main responsibility is to remain attentive to Me, letting Me guide you through the many choices along your pathway.” (Jesus Calling)

So, wherever you are today, whatever you are waiting on, whatever needs a little extra dose of patience sprinkled on it- do it. Let’s do it together. Time to strengthen our patience muscles, continue to suppress our annoyance at waiting and embrace what today offers. That means smiling through the hard time of waiting and wonderment. God is in today.

“Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.”

On a side note, Josh and I had a fun photo shoot with a friend last November and I wanted to share a few of my favorite pictures of our family. Enjoy!

DSC_0901CBD DSC_0976CB DSC_0954CBD DSC_0147_2CBhaze DSC_0068_2CBDSC_0048_2fixedCB

countdown.

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Sometimes its difficult for me to blog when I have SO much going on in my head and want to talk about! I will do my best to be articulate and provide an overview. I apologize for being so delayed on an entry – I promise I won’t let 2.5 weeks lapse again!

Work. I have been amazed at all the support people have given to me/us after announcing the difficult decision to step down from my position. I can’t stress enough how called I feel to make this decision. I don’t fear what happens TO me or what life will look like post-job, because I know God is working IN me. He is preparing me for that unknown. I know that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Rom 8:28). And so this is a giant leap of faith in trusting in His plans. I have about 9 weeks left and I think having an end in sight is probably one of the hardest things! The end of working with this job at this company is very sad for me. But the end of my job also means our next IVF cycle is HERE and that is so exciting. (So sO So sO So exciting! I’m excited, can you tell?) The mixture of emotions, counting down but not, it confusing! So I am trying to take each day for what it is and praying that God reminds me to be in THIS moment today and not fast forwarding through life. I have been trying to be more intentional about seeking what He wants of me in this present moment. (Easier said than done, especially when I have an app reminding me each day of how many days are left till XXX … I enable myself! Eck!)

IVF. There isn’t too much to update here. I have an appointment at the end of the month to do some blood work and tests, and get a prescription for a medication I have to start the first of March. From there it’s really just that med (Provera) and birth control until the cycle starts. (Weird, I know right!). Josh and I will meet with the doctor at the end of March and obtain our new prescription orders, do some more blood panels, sign all the papers and make the final payment. It is only weeks away already which is exciting! (Ok, if you must know, my first shot starts 64 days from today!)

Life. I have been soaking up everything God has for me through sermons, readings, insight… wherever I can get it! I have so many great lessons learned that I am trying to apply each day. Each of these could be a blog in and of itself, but I thought I would just throw down a shmorgishborg of my most recent brain activity. Perhaps one of these thoughts will hit home with something you need to know/be reminded of/can apply:

  • We need to remember 4 simple truths: 1) My God is FOR me. 2) My God is WITH me. 3) My God FORGIVES me. 4) My God can do ANYTHING. When we base on life on that, we flourish. It as simple as that – remembering God is for us, not against us. He is always with us, even when it feels like He has gone quiet. He forgives us, immediately, when we repent, and He can do ANYTHING. That doesn’t always means He WILL and even if He doesn’t but our hope needs to live in the fact that He can. (Daniel 3:16-18)
  • Living under grace is that life-changing constant awareness of what we’ve been given in light of what we deserve. Being reminded daily of the Grace we have been blessed with takes the focus off of “Me! Me! Me! My wants! My needs!” and makes us life a life glorifying Him, because we don’t deserve any of this.
  • The decisions we make today determine the story we tell tomorrow. Direction, not intention, determines our destination. Sometimes the best decision you can make is to go when it would be easier to stay. (Genesis 12:1 – The Lord had said to Abram, “Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.”) It doesn’t make sense for me to GO right now, nor did it make sense for Abram to leave everything He knew to follow where God called Him. And without that step of faith, nothing would be what we know it to be today. (Hebrews 11:8  “By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.”). I wish I knew where I was going! I wish I knew what is ahead. I am confident in knowing that despite whatever outcomes are ahead, that this is still where God is leading.
  • (Jesus Calling excerpt) Try saying, “I trust You, Jesus” in response to whatever happens to you. This simple practice will help you to see Me in every situation, acknowledging My sovereign control over the universe. When you view events from this perspective …fear loses its grip on you. Adverse circumstances become growth opportunities when you affirm your trust in Me no matter what. You receive blessings gratefully, realizing they flow directly from My hand of grace. Your continual assertion of trusting Me will strengthen our relationship and keep you close to Me. The fear of the unknown is a lot less scary when I know that anything that comes my way is simply an opportunity to affirm my trust in Him.
  • (Jesus Calling excerpt) Do not fear what this day, or any day, may bring your way.  Concentrate on trusting Me and on doing what needs to be done.  Relax in My sovereignty, remembering that I go before you, as well as with you, into each day.  Fear no evil, for I can bring good out of every situation you will ever encounter. Love everything about this passage.

I could keep going, really I could. I am truly just so excited to see what is ahead of us. I know things will be different and difficult. I don’t anticipate being down an income as being something “easy” to adjust to. It will be different to no longer have “HR Director!” as part of my identity and admitting to not having a job when asked – that’s an area that will continue to humble me but one that also many open up some neat conversations. I know that there is a chance this IVF round doesn’t work – and then we will need to rely on Christ even more to carry us to whatever steps may be next. (But I am thinking positively that this is OUR cycle!!!)

TTC isn’t easy. It isn’t for the weak and it certainly has tested us in ways we never imagined. But there is such a blessing in trials and hardships, reminding our proud selves of our humanity and making it easier to let go when called.

next steps.

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We know what we want. (A baby). We know what seems to be the best means of getting there (IVF). We know that it’s physically draining (ER visits, surgeries, shots, probing). We know it’s emotionally stressful. (I know my followers feel this stress too!). We know the second IVF cycle brings the greatest chance of success. (Up about 10% since the doctors know your body, responses, and your body is less resistant since it’s been through this before.)

So with all this in mind, we set out on a prayer mission to figure out what’s next. And it led us to make the following decisions:

  1. We would proceed with another fresh IVF cycle (like we did this time) vs. a frozen embryo transfer.
  2. I would resign from my position at work.

What?!

Seriously, I am not quite sure how God worked all of this out in our minds and hearts so quickly, and yet, giving us so much peace about our decisions, but He has.

Let’s work backwards.

We decided that we wanted to take advantage of the knowledge that the doctors gained on my first cycle and wanted a chance to obtain more frozen embryos. The cost of a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET for short) is the same cost and physical hardship if you transfer 1 or 2 embryos. We know that the chances of the embryos making the thaw process are about 50% and that transferring 2 have a higher chance of resulting in a pregnancy than 1. With that known, we feel more comfortable working to obtain at least 1 more frozen embryo before moving to a FET. (We currently have 1). Now, if we get pregnant from the fresh cycle, which is our real goal and objective (duh!), we still plan on using our frosty baby/babies in the future as we grow our family. So essentially we are postponing the FET in a hopeful attempt to increase our odds when that time comes.

With that decision in mind, we knew that the mental focus and rest that was put on the cycle last time was helpful. Being off of work helped immensely as the physical reactions and side effects, in conjunction with the appointments and such would be difficult to balance with my job.

For those who don’t know, I have had the opportunity to be the HR Director for a quickly growing, multi-site psychiatric organization, providing both inpatient and outpatient services. I have been able to devote the last 5 years of my professional life (ok, and personal life – those 60+ work weeks get in the way!) to being part of something incredible. What was once a small, 30 person company when I started has now grown to 200+staff members and I have enjoyed every minute of being part of something that touches so many people’s lives. (I mean, who gets to be a part of an executive team that starts and opens a HOSPITAL!? That hasn’t happened in MN without a partnering hospital for dozens of years.) With that said, it has been very busy and stressful, and while I truly love it, it’s tiring and draining. When anticipating another fresh cycle, I knew that while my company would likely continue to support me, but that it wasn’t fair to them to ask them for more time off, that may or may not result in a successful pregnancy, or may or may not result in a high risk pregnancy, which may or may not result in needing even more time off for a FET cycle should it come to that. We are working on continued expansion plans and my HR role is a critical piece of that growth. Thus the dilemma.

We knew God had an answer and believed He would guide us…and He did. I had to make the difficult decision to leave a job and company that I love, for the unknown. SCARY! Honestly, the decision has only been final for a few days and while I am incredibly excited about the future, I am so sad to be leaving this piece of my professional life behind. Through conversations and emails with staff members, I know I was able to make a difference and feel incredibly validated and honored for what I have been a part of. (I want to make this clear that this was my personal decision and my company has been nothing but supportive and has honored this decision with a lot of grace!)

My last day will be April 12th– 12 weeks away and it seems both too close and too far away. The exciting part is that I will be able to truly focus on starting a family without many outside stressors. The scary piece is not working and having an income while doing that. But … I believe that God has brought us to this decision and will provide. It falls perfectly inline with the fact that our next IVF cycle will begin on April 17th. YEAH!

I was in line at Starbucks last Friday, with my Christmas gift card in hand, thinking about how our lifestyle will change once we are down an income (and my gift card runs out!). I immediately panicked, thinking “this is so stupid!”. The “logic” behind this is crazy, giving up a great job I love for such an unknown – seriously, who does that?! I immediately questioned if this was the right decision and basically, doubted the God would provide. Then I pulled up to the window where I was informed the person in front of me paid for my coffee. Now this may seem small to you, but to me, it was a definite sign that God was trying to tell me “My child, don’t worry. I will always provide. I am in each moment. Go in faith.”

Around the same time as making this decision to leave my job, a new friend, one I met on Instagram no less, offered to send me unopened boxes of medication from her last cycle, medications costing HUNDREDS of dollars – for free. She is pregnant now and wants them to be used by someone who needs them … man, what a blessing that was! Honestly, since making this difficult decision, God has done nothing but reaffirm that no matter how silly/stupid/irresponsible/rattling this decision may feel, that it is where He is calling us.

So change is coming! The excitement of trying all of this again is high. I feel like a seasoned pro with IVF now, ha. Never in a million years did I think it would come down to this. But we know the calling in our hearts right now is to become parents and I know that I will never regret giving it 100%. Who knows what the future holds but I have seen in all this, that God is always a few steps ahead and His wisdom isn’t always something we will understand.

I think of Noah – who was called to be build and ark, and obeyed despite looking insane. Moses – who was called to bring the Israelites out of Egypt because a burning bush told him to. Mary – who carried a child despite the fact that she was a virgin. Truthfully, God doesn’t call us to look sane or to always do what makes sense. He calls us to obey what He is prompting us to do and then it requires us moving in line with His spirit. And so onward we move into a new norm, one where I don’t work, and one where I can focus on better self-care and reducing my stress levels. We are hoping and praying that this is the perfect mixture to result in a happy and healthy baby next January.

So, send me articles about coupon clipping, recipes and things to keep me busy! : ) We are excited for this next adventure and can’t wait to see what God has planned. I get to be a stay-at-home mom before I am, well, a mom. It’s weird, but exciting and I am so grateful to have a husband who is so supportive in this venture. Keep praying that God continues to affirm this decision and that bringing closure to my work “baby” goes well over the next several weeks. I wish I knew how this will all end … but until then, we trust and wait. :)

be washed in sunshine.

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“Chelsea, I am touching base to let you know that your hCG levels are finally negative today. So that’s good. I’m glad it went down so we can move on with things.”

HURRAY! This is exactly the message I wanted to hear on Monday. I never thought I would be so excited to hear my doctor call to confirm that I was no longer considered “pregnant” by my hormone levels, but honestly, what a great thing to be able to close that chapter! A sincere thanks for all of the prayers and support. I am constantly grateful that our prayers were heard and answered so quickly, and that even despite the circumstances, that we were offered grace in a tough situation.

As I sit here at my computer typing this, I can’t help but notice a zip loc bag next to me that holds the pictures of our embryos from our transfer. I don’t know what to do with them. I could never throw them away. Those are our babies. I can’t hide them away like it never happened. I can’t frame them and it feels too sad to even pull them out of the bag. So in the bag they will stay, watching Mom clack away at the keyboard.

A few people keep telling me how they admire how “positive” I am being. It makes me want to laugh, because I truly feel quite the opposite of “positive” at times. In fact, at the end of last week, I just felt downright cranky. I wish I could blame it on hormones, or a lack of sleep, but instead, I was just bitter. Not at anything in particular either. I couldn’t pin my annoyance on a certain event or conversation. I was just in a funk. I made rude comments, I couldn’t attempt a smile at times, I felt like I had a grimace on my face for a few days straight. I even felt a twinge in my heart that I hadn’t felt before, or at least in a lonnnnnng time …. *jealousy*.

Whoa.

I have always been so good at separating out emotions, my situation from others. Remembering that’s “their baby”, not mine. But for some reason, for about 48 hours, I couldn’t do that. I just felt angry and sad whenever I saw a baby, heard about a baby, looked at a baby. I felt a sour taste in my mouth and rocked Death Eyes that probably hasn’t been pulled out since I was in 3rd grade. I didn’t want to pray about. I didn’t want to remind myself it wasn’t right. I just wanted to sulk in it and validate myself that it was okay.

The sour taste turned into an irrational panic on Saturday night. Josh and I were sitting in the dimly lit sanctuary at church, singing a song (me, still feeling in a funk), when all of a sudden this young couple in front of us starts to move around. It caught my attention as I saw the man bend down and BAM!, pops up with a tiny infant boy whose eyes were wide open and locked firmly into mine. I felt like the room froze and I suddenly lost my breath. It was my first experience being face to face with a newborn since my miscarriage and here was this adorable little boy, no more than 2 weeks old, propped up staring at me, just a few feet away. I feel like it was a moment I will never forget. I instantly looked away and reminded myself to breath, keep standing and singing, when in fact, I literally wanted to scream “GET THAT BABY AWAY FROM ME!”. I felt immense sadness mix with the fear that the couple would never be us. That I would be the one looking at babies in church for years to come. Part of me wanted to leave the service immediately, the other part of me thought about stabbing the man with my fine tip 0.38 G-2 pen just hard enough to release some of my tension and cause enough damage to make him leave. Thankfully, I “toughed” it out, avoided eye contact and flew out of there when the service was over.

And I ended up being fine. In fact, I was around 134 more children 5 and under at church the next morning when I volunteered as scheduled. But it reminded me of how human I am. And can be. And will be. Yes, I will be positive. And try to stay positive. But I have my bad moments and my good moments. And I don’t want to give anyone the false impression that this is easy, or that I am fakely positive. Because I’m human and it’s hard! I’ve tried to be as transparent about this as possible and I hope you walk away with encouragement, knowing that even in the hard times, we serve a God that is in ultimate control and that His plans will not only prevail, but are what’s best for us. It’s hard to believe when we are in a sinful world, but I know it and trust it to be true. So that’s where my hope comes from. It doesn’t mean days and moments aren’t tough. And my husband can certainly attest to my sometimes childish outbursts. But we live without the fear of the future. (And for me right now that means trusting that the scary newborn panic moment was a one-off, because I have lots of friends and family whose little babies coming into the world very soon! I have no time for this fear!)

“Still, if you set your heart on God and reach out to him… You’ll be able to face the world unashamed and keep a firm grip on life, guiltless and fearless. You’ll forget your troubles; they’ll be like old, faded photographs. Your world will be washed in sunshine, every shadow dispersed by dayspring. Full of hope, you’ll relax, confident again; you’ll look around, sit back, and take it easy…” (Job 11:15-19 MSG)

So let’s set our hearts on God, reach out to Him, hold on tight and forget our troubles. Let His peace wash over us like sunshine and let His spirit renew our confidence as we wait in Him.

So what’s next for us? Well, we know we still want a family. And are praying continuously about what that means for us. We know that another IVF round is likely a part of us future in the next 4-5 months. And we are praying for continued guidance. direction, provision, and validation that our plans are His plans.

So let the sun shine in. : )

just laugh.

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The People’s Choice Awards seem painfully awkward to watch this year! I can’t help but multitask and blog as I watch the lame jokes and crickets chirping. Is this even a real award show?? As I sit on my couch though, I can’t help but savor this time when the house is quiet and life is calm. I watched my TV show when I came home from work, I made a dinner that didn’t require being cut into tiny pieces, leisurely read my new magazine, will take a quiet bubble bath shortly … I know life won’t always be like this. Sometime soon, I will have to make a dinner that can be grasped by tiny fingers. The house will be filled with the songs of Sesame Street and the magazine subscriptions will likely end, or at least change to parenting ones. Instead of bubble baths, I will crash in bed. Those days will be wonderful. But, until those sleep deprived days come, I will enjoy every single second of this life. Life is just too darn short, and there are too many unknowns to be worrying about tomorrow. To wish for something different. Let’s not let today pass by wishing for a different life. We are exactly where we are meant to be. I will likely look back on these days and wish I worried less about the future and enjoyed the moment more.

My appointment on Monday resulted on wonderful news …. We were pleasantly blessed with the news that there was no residual sac or tissue in my uterus that would require us having to make ANY decision from the earlier 3 choices. My tubes looked great and the ectopic pregnancy was ruled out. I thankfully passed the majority of it this weekend and my levels dropped substantially. I will return to the clinic next Monday and hopefully those numbers will have continued to drop and soon be negative. I can’t even begin to tell you the relief we feel with this answered prayer! THANK YOU for praying!

Infertility is brutal. Those going through it have had too many doctors visits, blood draws, probe exposures, highs and lows, tough calls and difficult decisions. We used to be terrified of needles and now we slide that thing into our belly as easy as we pop a chip into our mouths. It can feel so serious, and it is. It hurts and I can’t pretend like it’s all a joke.  We try to be so polite about infertility, say the right thing, make it a polite experience. But its sucks way more than that. The feelings are too … big. But I do find laughing through the tough days to be a good coping mechanism. ( Q: How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Screw in a light bulb? Hmm, do you think that would work?)  Sometimes, you just have to break the ice in your own head. It can be too much to carry. Give yourself permission to cry and be angry, but also give yourself permission to laugh at the cruelty of this.

In the end, we survive! We will defeat this. It doesn’t always seem “fair”, but “those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.” (Ps. 126:5). Hang in there. Take your Thing and give yourself permission to be real with your emotions. Savor the day for what it is. And keep fighting. God is ever present. He is fighting with us, for us. Keep the faith, sleep while you can, and save your money …. because this reproductive disease is expensive!

miscarriage malfunction.

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It’s amazing how quickly people can fall back into a routine after heartbreak. Sure, the sadness is still there but your mind and body just take over. You make the bed again, wash the dishes, return to work. Respond to emails, attend meetings, order your Starbucks. Laugh. Life goes on. I realize that few people I interact with daily know all of what’s been going on in my life. My attitude can’t change based on my emotions. People still deserve kindness, grace, timely responses and smiles. We pick up the pieces and keep going. It’s getting easier. I feel like part of God’s grace is creating a blanket over the pain. It all feels like of “fuzzy” now. I look back to a week ago and think, “Did we really go through that? How am I still standing?” It sort of feels like it happened to someone else. We just keep marching forward. Life is still moving.

Or course there are still triggers that bring up the painful memories and physical and emotional achiness. Pregnancy announcements on TV showers, seeing baby bumps everywhere (and I mean everywhere! Are they multiplying!?), putting on a scarf I wore to the transfer or a pair of earrings that I bought when I was pregnant. The pain is briefer but just as intense. But again, life moves on.

I had my doctor appointment yesterday to ensure my blood work came back negative. When my doctor called me, I anticipated setting up an appointment for our next consultation to discuss next steps. Instead, what I was told is that I can’t even miscarry correctly. (My words, not hers). Essentially what has happened is my body still thinks I am pregnant. My pregnancy hormones that dipped so significantly a week ago have now quadrupled. No, not to a level where I could have a healthy, viable pregnancy, but to a level where it’s obvious I am still carrying a sac and placenta, but without a baby inside.

So what does this mean?

Well, my doctor kindly explained that it could either be an ectopic pregnancy, one where the embryo has attached outside of the uterus. The chances of this are low because I am not in significant pain. However, still possible and I am to be looking out for symptoms this weekend. Of course this would be an option we pray against, as it could result in the loss of a fallopian tube.

But likely, it’s just what I explained above – the embryo sac is still attached and my body is still producing hormones for the “baby”. I have to go in for a 6 week ultrasound on Monday afternoon to see exactly what’s going on and discuss next steps.

A few options –

  1. I could have a D&C surgery to remove the tissue. This would likely be the simplest solution in the terms of it being a 1 day surgery and the doctor being able to get it all. It does hold with it the risk and expense of another surgery, as well as a required minimum 3 month wait before trying again.
  2. We could take medication to induce it. I have heard that this doesn’t always work and is an incredibly painful way of solving it. This would certain be something I would need to find out more about before considering it.
  3. We wait for my body to handle it naturally. This would result in a “phantom” pregnancy. My bump growing, my body mimicking that it was pregnancy but without a baby. This option doesn’t appeal to me at all.

To be honest, the whole thing is almost comical at this point. I think I am more irritated and annoyed than anything. I mean, come on! First I can’t get pregnant for 4.5 years. Then I go through multiple methods to conceive, including IVF. I end up in the ER with complications. I find out I am pregnant. I begin to miscarry on Christmas. And then find out I actually haven’t miscarried correctly and have to drag this out even more. Sigh.

As I was driving out of the work parking lot yesterday, I realized I had been singing this verse over and over again in my head, a subconscious prayer of worship and submission:

“The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear, And I don’t know the reason why You brought me here.… And I’m clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet so if all of these trials bring me closer to you then I will walk through the fire if You want me to.” – Ginny Owens

I know I shared that song back in June in this blog entry. And it remains the same. I don’t know why. To many, it seems cruel. We don’t understand why a God that is inherently good, allows people to go through painful times. But, He IS good. And He DOES care. So we keep giving it over to Him, accepting His timing and road bumps. We grow stronger by the day, grow closer to one another and to God and feel more prepared to face the future than ever before.

As always,we welcome prayer as we venture into a new unknown on Monday and figuring out what is medically necessary to close this chapter. One foot in front of the other … we keep marching.

two steps forward, one step back.

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I really don’t know where to begin. I find blogging so therapeutic and it helps me process my emotions. Interestingly enough with a massively large audience, but that’s okay. When I started this blog, I wanted to give people a peek inside the world of someone who is struggling with infertility. I knew it would be filled with highs and lows, emotion and rawness. I hoped it could be filled with authenticity and others could relate while reading it, whether they were struggling with infertility or not.

The story of infertility is truly the story of finding complete peace and satisfaction in God, trusting Him always, leaning not on ourselves, and of daily surrender.

I never thought that our story would contain a miscarriage. I never thought our story would pull at so many people’s heart and I never thought that this blog would bless me so much, by allowing so many people in to support us, especially when we needed it most.

Thank you for everyone’s unbelievable support. For taking the time to text us and honor our babies (short) lives. To ask how I am, daily. To understand that space is helpful. To send flowers, cards, strawberries. To solicit prayers from your Facebook friends through statuses and for the endless amounts of authentic, raw responses, sharing your own tough stories. While this has been one of the hardest weeks of my life, it has been one of the biggest blessings, as I have seen God rally His troops to bless us so much and to support us in this time. It is beautiful.

So how am I doing? Well, each hour is different. Each day gets a little easier. The tears are a little less, but the ache in my heart is still there. It’s tough.

Thursday

I laid in bed. All day. Literally in the dark. Shades pulled down. Worship music on repeat. Working my way through an entire box of tissue. My dog patiently laying next to me, refusing the cries of her bladder as she knew asking to go out wouldn’t have an answer in her favor. I felt like a shell of who I once was. I didn’t have my contacts in and my glasses were not comfortable to lay with so I sat in the dark, feeling blind (both figuratively and literally) and completely out of control. I was so comforted by all the incoming messages, texts, promises to pray from friends and family. On Thursday I didn’t know if I would ever be able to get out of bed again. Every time I went to the bathroom, I was re-reminded that my babies were literally being ripped out of me.

Finally, at 6:30 pm, Josh gently peeled me from the tear stained sheets and I went downstairs for a bit. My appetite was gone. I was certain I would never be able to eat again. I felt empty, heartbroken, but never alone. The peace of God surrounded my heart so entirely that I never felt abandoned or forsaken.

Friday

I had to get up on Friday because I had to go back to the clinic for blood work. This was by far the most painful visit of my life. It took me 2 hours to get ready (and by get ready I mean shower and dress, forget hair and make-up). I kept going to lay back down. I hated that the sun was shining. I hated that I had to drive 40 minutes for another needle poke to ensure the miscarriage was happening “properly”. I made myself go to the grocery store, where I was angry that no one around me knew the sorrow that I was walking around with. People seemed too chipper. I felt like I was walking around in a strange reality. Of course I chose the one cashier who wanted to have a long and cheerful conversation, to which I grunted a little and tried to act human. I wanted to spew out my sadness but knew that wouldn’t help.

The call came, confirming that while the miscarriage was indeed being handled naturally, that they needed to continue to follow my pregnancy numbers into the negative range and that I would need to come back in a week to have another blood test done, to confirm the pregnancy was completely gone. I am dreading that visit and appointment.

Friday the sadness came in waves. There were times I felt filled with hope again, knowing this was going to pass and I would return to my new “normal” soon. Then there were times I just cried. Times I pitied myself and times I was just still with God.

Saturday

Larger periods of time between the Funk. Continuing to have hope-filled, encouraging messages sent our way. Feeling so grateful for each of you. Went to a movie with Josh. Laughed and it felt strange. Should I be laughing already? Back home. Cried. Thought about where I was 2 weeks ago today. Sitting on the same couch, but with 2 little babies in my stomach, on bed rest and filled with such optimism and hope. How did so much happened in 2 weeks? Where were my babies? The cramping and bleeding still continued. A constant reminder of how much things had changed.

Sunday

Didn’t get out of my pajamas all day, but the first day I didn’t cry. Or at least cry where tears ran down my face. I am realizing now that I have to go back to work in a few days and need to get my act together. Made dinner and felt like I accomplished a huge feat. Declared to Josh that “tomorrow I will get up, shower and get dressed!” Felt motivated to move on. We continue to discuss what our next steps will be and are anxious to talk with our doctor.

Monday

Woke up. No longer feeling the motivation to get out of bed. Contemplated not moving all day again but knew that wouldn’t solve anything. Showered. Got dressed. Did dishes. I am glad my body and mind can take over such routine things. Jumped in the car to run errands and flipped on the radio, praying that I would make it through the day. Immediately my car was filled with the soft spoken words of a Focus on the Family radio program.

“It was so hard, struggling with infertility. I prayed so hard that my wife could conceive.”

My heart stopped. They never talk about infertility on the radio. And this could go one of two ways, the “so we gave up on that and now are foster parents” or “God answered our prayers”. I needed so badly to hear prayers were answered. My heart couldn’t take the “changed heart” response.

“And so we were prayed over, asking for God’s blessings to have a child. And 3 ½ months later we found out we were pregnant. And then came Ryan and Whitney and Tyler and Anna and Emily … and then we asked to be removed from the prayer list.”

God heard his prayers! He answered and healed their hearts with children. It WAS possible. At this point, I began to cry as I drove. And the host said that so many people listening had lost their hope, were feeling discouraged and beat up. And the guest began to pray this prayer of blessing. (At this point, I turned off the road into an empty parking lot in search of tissue.)

In the name of Jesus Christ, I bless you with the promises of God which are “yes” and “amen”.

May the Holy Spirit make you healthy and strong in body, mind, and spirit. To move in faith and expectancy. May God’s angels be with you to protect and keep you.

Be blessed with supernatural strength to turn your eyes from foolish, worthless, and evil things, and to shut out the demeaning and negative. Instead may you behold the beauty of things that God has planned for you as you obey His Word. May God bless your ears to hear the lovely, the uplifting, and the encouraging. May your mind be strong, disciplined, balanced and faith-filled.

May your feet walk in holiness and your steps be ordered by the Lord. May your hands be tender and helping, blessing those in need. May your heart be humble and receptive to one another and to the things of God, not to the world.

God’s grace be upon your home, that it may be a sanctuary of rest and renewal, a haven of peace where sounds of joy and laughter grace it’s walls, where love and unconditional acceptance of one another is the constant rule.

May God give you the spiritual strength to overcome the evil one and avoid temptation. May God’s grace be upon you to fulfill your dreams and visions. May goodness and mercy follow you all the days of your life.

Amen

Wow. (The guest by the way was Michael W. Smith.) I sat in my car, completely filled with hope and promises that blessings were ahead, and even if not the specific way we were asking for them, that we have all we need in Him.

In painful times, I have learned (and continued to learn), that we have a choice.

We can allow our pain to cause a division between us and God. Or, we can choose to allow that pain to bring us even closer to Him, to allow Him to be intimately nestled into our pain, our confusion, our tears and our struggles. This choice to trust Him regardless of how I “feel” or what we have gone through is one of the easiest choices I have ever made. He has carried us every step of the way. Him carrying us doesn’t shield us from feeling the pains of grief. But it provides us with a way to get through each day, each hour, each minute. A popular Christian author, Beth Moore, writes “God’s word never said we were not to grieve our losses. It says we are not to grieve as those who have no hope. Big difference.” How true is that? Even in these painful times, these tear-filled days, and this physically and emotionally devastating time, we have hope. He never lets us go.

So what’s next for us? We are not sure yet. We know that we want to continue the fight for a family. We plan on meeting with our doctor in the next few weeks to discuss our options. We may choose to go forward with our one frozen embryo, or wait and save to do another fresh cycle (as this one was). We will not forget about our frostie baby, don’t worry. It’s so difficult as future attempts are so financially draining, scary and unrealistic. With literally no insurance coverage, some options may just not be possible for us. That’s a scary reality that I am working through and trusting God to provide. So we continue to pray for guidance and peace as we figure out our next steps.

I return to work on Wednesday. Please keep me in your prayers, that my tears stay away, that I have the energy to fight through a long day, that I don’t feel overwhelmed, and that the return goes smooth.

Bring on 2013!

PS – And yes, I am bitter that Kim Kardashian is pregnant, while still being officially married to another man. That Jessica Simpson is pregnant, again, while her first is only 8 months. And that the woman at Target today asked me if I had any kids and wouldn’t stop yacking about her two kids under 2 that are holding her “hostage” tonight. But maybe my opinions will change in an hour ….

angel babies.

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Joy. Sorrow. Grief. Pain. Loss. The emotions of our week.

On the morning of Sunday the 23rd, Josh and I had the joy of finding out that we were indeed pregnant and expecting. We were in complete shock, couldn’t stop smiling and praising God for our miracle baby/babies. It was so surreal, a joy unlike anything we had felt before. I “felt” pregnant. I was sure everyone I saw could tell. We took the first side profile shots, bought onsies, schemed all day about how we were going to tell our family and close friends. I know our babies thought my jokes were funnier than Dad’s as we talked to them and fell in love.

Christmas Eve we were able to confirm the pregnancy with strong lab results and congratulations from our doctor. We were able to shock Josh’s parents with the news. We celebrated and cried. We had little visitors at the family Christmas Eve celebration that no one knew about yet. What a Christmas present.

Christmas morning we were able to surprise my parents and sister with the news. What a blessing and precious memory that is. To say people were “excited” is an understatement. I felt on top of the world. We wondered if it was one or two (I think two), boys or girls, what sports they would play. The due date of September 2, 2013 is burned into my brain. Your baby is the size of an orange seed, the apps told me. We read what was not allowed during pregnancy. Josh made sure I knew what kinds of cheeses I could and couldn’t eat. We celebrated this Christmas miracle.

Midday I began to cramp. I had read that cramping was okay as long as it wasn’t accompanied by bleeding. It felt strange, cramping, since I hadn’t experienced those kinds of cramps in a while. However when I went to the bathroom, the fear kicked in as I realized I was also bleeding. Not old brown blood, which they tell you is normal, but bright red blood, which they tell you isn’t good.

I went upstairs to lie down. We prayed. We were scared but felt that God had this all under control. My family graciously left, allowing Josh and I to be together. Attempting to relax while continuing to bleed and cramp made for the longest Christmas day ever. We paged our doctor who told us this could be normal and not to worry, to come back to the clinic in the morning for blood work.

I gradually stopped bleeding over night and we felt a sense of relief. Just one of those “weird pregnancy things” we would have to get used to! “This will be a long 9 months” Josh kept saying. He became so protective of me the instant we found out I was pregnant. I went to the clinic for my blood test, waiting for our numbers to come back strong and positive. Our little babies were just being trouble makers already.

Then the call came. “I am so sorry Chelsea, to tell you, that your numbers lowered, indicative of a pregnancy that is not viable. You are experiencing a miscarriage. Please come back on Friday for blood work to ensure that your body is naturally handling the discard.”

Our world stopped.

We held it together till 4:30, when Josh and I were back together. And then we lost it. What would our baby have looked like? What would their names have been? Whose eyes would they have had? Why is this happening to us? Wouldn’t a negative result just been that much easier? Why the hope and then the devastation? I feel like my heart has physically been ripped out. I feel empty inside. I can’t look in the mirror, I just see someone who won’t see her baby bump grow. Who feels beaten down. We are filled with a sorrow we can’t explain. I can’t open the bathroom drawer, for that’s where we stashed all the positive pregnancy tests, ones we took just to see the two lines appear again and again. I can’t touch my phone, for that’s where all the pictures of our baby story is, our videos of us telling our parents, pictures of me with “I love my Mommy” newborn clothes, pictures of Josh with his “Daddy & Me” onsie is, pictures of Cali angrily stuffed into an “I’m Gonna Be a Big Sister!” shirt.

Why?

Why will I never be able to hold my babies in my arms? Why will I never hear their cries? Why will September 2nd come and go without new life?

I don’t know. I am heartbroken. I am so sad. I am not angry. I knew this could happen, statistics say 1 in 4 pregnancies result in a miscarriage. I just didn’t think this would happen to us. After all we have been through, couldn’t we have just been able to experience this miraculous joy?

I share this with you and beg for your prayers. Please allow us to grieve privately right now. Many people are awaiting news and are still hoping for the best and praying for a test this weekend. The encouraging, excitement texts are too painful to receive. We can’t quite say these words out loud yet. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want visitors. I will be lucky if I can pull myself out of bed today. We just need prayers. We don’t know why God has allowed this to happen, but we know that our babies are with Him. We know that “before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.” (Jeremiah 1:5) He loved them just as much, if not more, than we did.

I don’t understand, but I will continue to put my trust in His promises. I know He will help us through this period of sorrow. It doesn’t make sense but His constant love for us will always be true. God has proven to continue to work in our hearts and more than ever before, do we need to lean on Him each minute. Each day we will pick up more pieces. The thought of the future and trying this again is overwhelming right now. I don’t know what lies ahead for us. But today, we grieve. Please say a special prayer for us.

Love,

A Mommy and Daddy that were

baby